How To Write a Dating or Matrimonial Profile

As you might have noticed, I have just ventured into the world of matchmaking. Part of the process is inviting applicants to fill in some details about themselves. I don't know if it's because we don't encourage self expression in India, or because written communication is sometimes hard, but many people seem to get stuck at the 'About Me' section. 

Why is this section important? Because you are more than a checklist, more than a list of beliefs of even hobbies. (You are definitely way more than your height, weight, complexion, salary or degrees which is why those aren't even a part of the form.) 

You are a unique, unrepeatable creation of God, and it is that unique person that needs to shine out of a profile. When another person reads that profile, they need to get a glimpse of YOU, not a generic list of traits that could be practically anyone. Easier said than done though, right? 

Here are some tips that might make it easier:

1. Be prepared to write at least two short paragraphs for each of these type of questions (or more, if you feel inspired.) A few adjectives on their own don't say much. Set aside some time to think and prepare what you want to say and how you want to describe yourself. If you don't care enough to work on it, it is less likely that someone viewing your profile will care enough to pursue the person behind the description.

2. Think of some of the words that could describe you. It could describe the work you do, the things you get excited about, your skills and talents, your good qualities, your quirks and oddities. 

3. Ask a close friend (or a few of them) to describe you as they see you, and if their descriptions seem apt, use them. I once wrote a dating profile for a close friend, and she loved it because I knew her well and was able to encapsulate what made her unique and lovable.

4. Be very honest. Don't make yourself sound more or less than you really are. Don't be afraid to be yourself, because it is the real you that you are taking into dating and marriage. Just don't make yourself sound like a paragon of all the virtues, or joke about real vices. 

5. Don't write generic words like god-fearing, caring, homely, etc. Try to find either more specific words or explain what you mean. 'I love cooking and finding ways to care for the people in my family.' 'I value family prayer and always try to do what God asks me to do.'

6. If you're still having a hard time, here are a list of words or phrases as well as questions you can ask yourself that might spark ideas. Don't just pick from this list, but try to be creative in your choice of words, and think deeply about what YOU are like, and what YOU want.

What are some words that describe your personality?

Examples: Funny, loud, adventurous, over-thinker, positive, lively, chatty, easygoing, control freak, hardworking, honest, blunt, serious, organized, ambitious, exuberant, high energy, mischievous, sarcastic, simple, lifelong learner, introvert, extrovert, life of the party, good listener, quiet, thoughtful, always on the move, deep thinker, active, introspective, sensitive, outgoing, quirky, unconventional, emotional, empathetic, compassionate, motivated, competitive, goal-oriented, neat freak, absent-minded, patient, creative, practical, trustworthy, reliable, energetic, loyal, non-judgmental, determined, passionate, persistent, decisive, loner, daydreamer, independent, contemplative, prayerful, lover of people, lover of God, peaceful.

What do you like to spend your time on?

Examples:  I love making birthday cards for my friends, you can usually find me playing online word games, I spend a lot of time baking and trying out new recipes for my family, I love talking to people and finding out what makes them tick, I love my job and spend a lot of time learning more about my field, my friends and I put on karaoke videos on Youtube and sing and dance for fun (we are a crazy bunch), I am obsessed with cars and can identify the make and model of most cars as I pass them, I tend to watch a lot of documentaries, I love gardening and have started growing some vegetables, I often go out with friends and listen to their problems and counsel them, I love organizing social events for people to get together, I spend most weekends running or climbing mountains or finding new physical challenges to conquer, I love hanging out with my family and chatting about everything over a cup of tea. I spend a lot of time reading Catholic blogs and study apologetics for fun. I am in a worship band and we get together every weekend to sing God's praises. I tutor underprivileged kids on the weekends.

What are some dreams or hopes you have?*

Examples: I hope to start an NGO one day that reaches out to street children and gives them a safe place to study and play. I am trying to read 50 books this year. I hope to visit all the continents of the world with my family. I would love to learn more about the bible and even teach others about it. I hope to start my own catering business one day (maybe with the help of my spouse). I want to buy a car, have a bunch of kids and do road trips all over India. I would love to be part of a musical. I want to start my own vegetable garden. 

What kind of family and marriage do you hope to have? 

Examples: I want to have the kind of home and family where the poor are always welcome to share a meal. I hope my spouse and I will be able to grow together and learn together about how to keep our marriage strong. I would like to be able to communicate well with my spouse in a way where we both feel comfortable sharing the little, big, and most intimate details of our life. I would love to do ministry with my spouse, reaching out to others and sharing Jesus together. I would like a marriage where we are equals, sharing responsibilities especially in the home and in raising children. I visualize a family that is an active part of a Christian community, not isolated or alone. I would like my spouse and I to teach our children to love God and to be adventurous in serving Him. I want an honest marriage where we are comfortable talking about our past wounds and helping each other heal. I would like a marriage where in-laws and outsiders do not interfere and we make our own choices according to God's will. 

What kind of spouse are you hoping for?

Examples: Someone who listens to and respects my desires and thoughts and feelings. Someone who loves God and puts Him first. Someone who is calm even in the face of trials and provocation. Someone who is financially responsible and willing to work hard for the sake of the family. Someone who is affectionate and loving. Someone who is as adventurous as I am. Someone who supports my desire to stay home and focus on our young children. Someone who is comfortable with sharing household and parenting responsibilities. Someone who is willing to support me in my dreams and career. Someone who does not drink alcohol (or drinks only occasionally in moderation). Someone who will be a good father. Someone who will prioritize family over career. Someone who is willing to be part of the prayer community that I am in. Someone who will love my family as his/her own. Someone who will love me in spite of my health issues. Someone who flexible and adaptable. 

Examples of deal-breakers: Someone who expects me to join the joint family and become like a servant of the home. Someone who will not accept the responsibility of my aged parents. Someone who is a workaholic. Someone who loses his/her temper and shouts and screams when angry. Someone who is very introverted. Someone who will not allow me to work outside the home. Someone who is controlling. Someone who is very conservative or liberal. Someone who smokes or drinks. Someone who only wants one or two children. Someone who cares too much about what people say (or what their parents say). Someone who is not open to my charismatic prayer community. Someone who does not follow the teachings of the Church. Someone who hates dogs. Someone who is too serious and doesn't like to go for movies or parties. Someone who is too frivolous and only likes to play, never pray.

Examples of non-negotiables (this overlaps with deal-breakers): I can only marry someone who is willing to move to my city. I am only open to someone who is willing to prioritize prayer and the spiritual life of our family. I am only open to someone who has lived away from home for some time (for work/studies). I am only open to someone willing to take at least a few months to date/court/get to know each other. I need someone who is willing to accept my choice to live as a missionary. I need someone who is fluent in English/ my mother tongue. 

Picking a profile pic: Let people get a glimpse of who you really are by giving a real smile, taking a close up photo, and removing all obstacles like sunglasses or hats. Stand up straight, no need to pose in front of a car or bike, be casual but alive. A photo says so much. And it isn't too difficult to get good quality photos these days - just catch a friend with a good phone camera, find a nice backdrop (nature is usually great), be willing to pose for a few shots and choose the best one.

Anything to add? Any other ideas or suggestions for writing dating or matrimonial profiles?

Introducing the Catholic Disciples Matchmaking Service

IMPORTANT UPDATE: We have created a password-accessible CDMS website, for members to view profiles. There will be no more personalized matching. However, there will still be a personal processing of each application. Please visit the website if you are interested in joining CDMS.

Are you a Catholic disciple who feels called to marriage but have almost given up hope of finding a like-minded partner? Have you ever wished that someone would introduce you to more like-minded potential partners? Have you ever bemoaned the lack of easy ways to connect with eligible Catholic disciples? Has the traditional arranged marriage system and the casual dating system failed you so far?

Do you know people like that and wish you could help them out?

I’m here to help! (God willing) I’ve been pondering a matchmaking service for a while – but one with a difference.

First of all, who am I and why do I think I'm qualified to run this?

My name is Susanna, I'm a 33 year old (almost 34) Catholic disciple who has been working with young people for over a decade. I've run across the same problems and struggles again and again - disciples who feel that they have no options when it comes to looking for a good spouse. I've had my own struggles, but last year MY matchmaker (aka God) worked things out beautifully and I married another Catholic disciple and have begun to live out my vocation with him (fun read: one year ago I wrote 'What It's Like To Have a Catholic Boyfriend'). I'm based close to Mumbai, but I'm originally from Pune. My only qualification is that I feel inspired by the Holy Spirit to do this, and I don't know anyone else in India who is doing it. I've written a lot about relationships, dating, courtship, etc, and guided some people in real life too.

Second, what does ‘Catholic disciple’ mean?

Catholic – Faithful to all the teachings of the Church including the tough ones, willing to learn and grow in knowledge and practice of the Catholic faith, openness to and love for Mary, the saints and the sacraments; and committed to the Catholic understanding of marriage and family.

Disciple –  Committed to doing the will of Christ, trying to walk with Him every day, having a personal relationship with Jesus through a prayer life, dealing with personal sin, pursuing holiness, willing to ‘go wherever He asks you to go, do whatever He asks you to do, say whatever He asks you to say, and give up whatever He asks you to give up’.

I wrote more about it here: How Do I Know If I’m a Disciple?

Here’s what Catholic disciple does NOT mean: Perfect in every way, no longer struggling with any sin, only interested in talking about religious topics, extremely knowledgeable about every aspect of the Catholic faith, fanatical about all things Catholic. Yeah, no.

So how is Catholic Disciples Matchmaking Service going to work? 

1. Interested people fill in a Google form to help me get to know you better. It will include a photo, a bio, and a bunch of relevant questions. Job, salary, height, complexion, educational qualifications are NOT asked here. (If those are important to you, this is not a good place to join. You will eventually learn these thing after meeting someone, but they are not the most important things.) Instead, there will be questions about your interests, priorities, spiritual life and hopes for a spouse. The form should include a name and number of a priest you know who can vouch for you if necessary. Members pay a one-time registration fee.

2. As matchmaker, I personally will go through each member’s profile, and match members. I will send the photo and profile to two matched people, and if they both say yes, I’ll give them each other’s email ids to start a correspondence. If they feel comfortable doing so, they exchange numbers and eventually meet. There will be certain dating guidelines that all members should agree to – for example, that they should try to meet in person within a month of communicating (even if they’re from different cities), that both agree that no commitments or promises are implied in agreeing to go on a date, that they will maintain good boundaries, etc.

3. Once the two members have met in person, they will each debrief with me, and let me know what they thought and if they want to move ahead. Dating and courtship guidance will continue for those who want it.

4. As matchmaker I’m here to help and facilitate, but I am ultimately not responsible for your choices. It is up to each member to take this seriously, to be holy and responsible and prudent in the way they go about this process.

5. I hope to eventually add relationship advice videos and posts which will be available to members only.

What kind of attitude should a potential member have? 

1. Openness: Don’t come with a cardboard cut-out of the perfect spouse, or over specific ideas of how gorgeous they are, or where they are located, or their cultural background. Let God surprise you!

2. Adventurousness: You have to be willing to take a risk, to be courageous, to meet more than one person who may NOT be right for you. If you aren’t willing to take a risk, how can you hope for something amazing to happen to you?

3. Patience: It may not happen immediately, and it may not happen in your expected time frame. Some people take longer than others to know for sure. Marriage is a big enough commitment to merit investing time and patience into the search for the right spouse.

4. Willingness to step out of your comfort zone: Whether it means travelling to a different city for a date, or learning about love languages and marriage preparation and discernment, or more about your faith, or trying out spiritual activities that are new for you, or just learning to communicate with a completely different person, you can’t play it safe, or protect yourself completely. Be a learner! Whether or not you land up marrying that particular person, God can teach you a lot through the process.

5. Openness to God’s guidance: Commit to daily prayer for your future spouse, try out a novena or ask for a particular saint’s intercession and help, get your spiritual life in order, and allow the Holy Spirit to guide you at each step. Trust that HE is your ultimate matchmaker.

Interested? Have suggestions? Have ideas about how to publicize this service? Shoot me an email at solosenilejive@gmail.com.

UPDATED: Here's the link to the Google form to register: https://forms.gle/UjWsqyMBuNe3t8zU9

P.S This service is mostly aimed at people in India to make real-life meeting more possible, but if you have the possibility of visiting India regularly (like our many Indian friends working in Middle-Eastern countries), you are welcome too.

UPDATED: Indians from other countries have expressed an interest too, so go ahead and register wherever you are, and if God sends other people from your part of the world, I'll set them up with you. If you are in the US, I'd suggest you look up Emily Zanotti, the Catholic Yenta, who is doing something very similar there.

P.P.S. Please share this blog post in all the Catholic disciples' groups you can think of, and ask individuals to spread the word too! 

Five Hacks to Be More Disciplined and Productive

Hello to all the undisciplined, lazy, unmotivated, negative people out there! This is for you. You’re not alone, you’re not a complete failure, and things CAN and WILL get better.

1. Stop telling yourself you are undisciplined and have no self control and you can’t help it: Like my dad keeps saying, “It’s all in the mind.” Well, maybe not ALL, but a lot of it. If you put yourself in a box, and slap a label on it, guess what, you’re going to stay there. It’s okay to admit it’s a struggle, but remind yourself it’s possible to change, even if it happens one small habit-changing step at a time. Think of the other areas that you used to struggle with ten years ago that you no longer even think about. Also, stop celebrating laziness and indiscipline and making jokes about it. It’s holding you back.

2. Acknowledge the main areas of indiscipline in your life: When it comes to time-wasting, you know I’m talking about your phone. You’re not alone. Apparently a LOT of people are struggling with phone addictions, but not everyone knows they are, or are willing to do anything about it. How do you know your phone use is becoming a problem? When you can’t go anywhere without your phone, when you automatically reach for it as soon as you have a minute free, when you return to social media sites just to refresh your feed, when you haven’t read a book in months or years, when you are in the middle of a conversation or a movie or even a book and you reach for your phone again… I’m here to tell you – YOU HAVE A PROBLEM. Another typical area of indiscipline is going to sleep on time (connected with phone use) and eating unhealthily. If you don’t acknowledge where the problem lies, you cannot move forward.

3. Place some obstacles between you and your favourite areas of indiscipline: I don’t have Facebook and Youtube apps on my phone, I have to go the browser and find them. I used to have to put in the password every time I used Facebook. I don’t allow notifications from any of my apps, so I basically don’t allow distractions to pop up in my life screaming “LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME!” Choose certain hours of the day where you and your family members place your phones out of reach, and choose to talk or read a book or play a game instead. Just physically putting it out of reach helps. Don’t buy the junk food you want to avoid. If it is in your house, guess what – you’re going to eat it in a moment of weakness. You’re a lot less likely to go down to the shop and buy snacks than just pull it out of the kitchen cupboard.

4. Take the drastic step of deleting accounts or subscriptions or games: Whenever I feel like something is going out of control, when I know I can’t rely on my own sense of balance and will-power to help me use that thing well, I have to be ruthless. After messing up several times, I realize I cannot have Netflix or Amazon prime or anything with TV shows on my phone. So I finally just deleted my subscriptions and we currently live in the olden times and watch DVD movies for movie night. I feel stupid that I can’t keep it under control, but you know, maybe I have an addictive personality, and I’m much happier with zero TV shows in my life than with non-stop obsessive TV show bingeing. (Also, long-duration entertainment (aka TV shows) sucks the depth out of your spiritual life.)

5. Give yourself positive achievable goals to replace bad habits: Fill in the empty spaces with good goals and make them easy to achieve - place good books by your bed, fill your home with fruit and healthy snacks, take up a hobby, start listening to a good podcast. Sacrifice has to be for some purpose. Decide what you REALLY want, and make a list and a plan to fill your free time. Celebrate small victories, and get someone to celebrate with you. Basically, set yourself up for success. Once you taste success – you finished reading a book! You lost some weight! You wrote a story! You created art! You woke up in the morning feeling rested and energetic! – you will want more of it. And then you will be able to take on slightly harder goals.


Alright, guys! What other hacks have worked for you?

Wedding Stories, Tips and Advice

Once again (or it never  really stopped), it seems like everyone is getting married. If they're not getting married, their relatives are pressuring them to get married. If they are already married, they are related to or friends with someone who is getting married. Life is weddings. I'm very glad my Year of The Wedding is over, but I've recently talked to many young women who are in their own Year of the Wedding, so I may as well share some thoughts. Well, first read the posts I already wrote - Seven Things I Have Learned about Wedding Planning, The Secret to a Peaceful Bride and When Your Facebook Feed Explodes with Weddings. Oh, and a couple of cool wedding dress stories - God Designed My Wedding Dress and The Tale of the Free Wedding Dress.

----1----

A wedding is literally just one day in your life.

Okay for some people, it's a week or more of events, but my point is, it really is not everything it's hyped up to be. It really doesn't have to be a perfect day, or the most beautiful day of your life, or everything you've ever dreamed of. (Maybe you need other dreams?) Don't set yourself up for disappointment. That way, if it's a fun, happy day, you'll be pleasantly surprised, and if everything goes wrong and everyone is mad at you for different reasons, you can shrug your shoulders and say, "Oh well, it will soon be just a distant memory."

----2-----

Be a rebel when it comes to choosing your marriage partner and the details of your life together, but be ready for compromise when it comes to the wedding details. 

A marriage is for a lifetime, the wedding is just for a day. It doesn't matter if the wedding is less than perfect when you are happy with your choice of marriage partner. On the other hand, the most perfect wedding cannot make up for a spouse you are unsure of, uncomfortable with, or unhappy about marrying. Social approval will not make or break your marriage, so don't get married for the wrong reasons. In India, many young people are pressured to choose a marriage partner after just a few meetings. You need to rebel! This is not a wise way to make the biggest decision of your life! You need to push back, and demand enough time to really get to know the person and be sure that you want to marry him or her. The wedding details on the other hand are really not that big a deal. Don't sweat the small stuff.

----3----

A wedding is a good time to learn how to set boundaries.

Yes, I've promised a boundaries post that I haven't written yet. But here is how that might work during a wedding - together with your spouse, decide what you want to insist on, and what you are willing to compromise on. Communicate those things clearly and kindly with your family members. Don't let people manipulate you and pressure you. Don't let 'But what will people say?' influence all your decisions. You might compromise on some things because they are important to your parents or in-laws, but you do not need to make all your decisions based on every single family member's opinions. Not everyone has equal weight in decision-making. (Whoever is paying for the wedding will have a little more weight.) And if people get unreasonably mad at you, don't let their emotions control yours. Tell them, "I'm sorry you feel that way, and it was not my intention to hurt your feelings, but it is my wedding and perhaps we need to agree to disagree." Make sure they know you value the relationship, and then let it go.

----4----

If possible, try to have an eco-friendly wedding.

I didn't want thermocol confetti at my wedding. Thermocol is horrible for the environment, and yet is remains a prominent part of many Indian Catholic weddings and events from the confetti to the backdrop. We used shredded marigolds instead, which is apparently not unusual in India. I would suggest rose petals instead though, because the marigolds hit a little too hard, got into my hair, dress and mouth and was not the most pleasant of confetti experiences. One of my cousins did bubbles which was very pretty too. I also requested that we did not have little plastic bottles of water for every guest - what an unnecessary and excessive usage of plastic. I hoped for big water dispensers where people could fill up when they wanted water instead, but in the end our wedding was so chaotic I don't even know if there was water available. Fire crackers are just painful to the ears and create air pollution, so that's another tradition that needs to go. Check with your venue and caterers what eco-friendly options they have in place.

----5----

You don't need to spend all your money on a wedding.

You definitely don't need to get into debt for a wedding. Figure out how much money you both have to spend on the wedding, and budget accordingly. Find ways to save money. Not all traditions need to carry on. Instead of buying outfits for every extended family member, get a small meaningful gift and card instead (unless it's immediate family members and they can't afford a new outfit, and you have the money). Dowry or expected 'gifts' needs to be a thing of the past! Put your foot down! Trousseau shopping can be expensive too - get what your need, not fifteen sarees you're rarely going to wear. Why does getting married mean yo have to be decked out in fancy clothes for the next year? A neighbour told my mum that she has huge quantities of silk sarees from her wedding she never wears now.

You don't need lavish innovations at the reception to make your wedding memorable. Be creative, and find ways to create your own decorations or cake or centrepieces. For my sister's wedding, we made paper lanterns to hang everywhere. For my other sister's wedding, with a Wedding at Cana theme, my brother and sister-in-law created a chuppah to hang over the cake - inexpensive and beautiful. You don't have to invite the whole village, or every person you have ever met or who wishes you well. You don't have to have a lavish buffet. Choose nice over lavish.

Chuppah

----6----

A honeymoon doesn't have to be at an exotic location.

It's not about the sights or the adventures. A honeymoon is about the two of you, and a chance to be together, alone! You don't need o go abroad or spend huge amounts of money on a honeymoon you can tell people about. We were perfectly happy with our honeymoon in Coonoor - the weather, the food and the natural beauty were perfect, and we did our own thing, moved at our own pace, rented a bike to explore, and enjoyed our honeymoon a hundred times more than our wedding.

-----7-----

Don't forget to get photos with the important people.

Although a wedding shouldn't revolve around the photographer, it is nice to have memories especially of people who traveled far to be there for your wedding, or of your whole extended family who may not always get together except at weddings. That is one regret I had from my wedding, that we didn't manage to get photos with the whole family, and many of my friends who I only manged to meet very briefly.

----8----

Assign someone to feed the bride and groom.

In India, the bride and groom and their families eat last, after everyone else has eaten and even left. But I learned the hard way that when you don't eat, everything else gets a lot harder. Towards the end of the reception, I was exhausted and I did't realize it, but I was also hungry. I burst into tears, and told Joel I was done and I wanted to leave and go to sleep. But he pointed at the tables that were set out for the family to eat, and told me we couldn't leave yet. "I don't want to eat. I'm too tired to care about food."Yet, I had to sit. He was hungry, and I nibbled at the food, which turned out to be really tasty (one thing that didn't go wrong). After getting some food into my stomach, I suddenly felt better and realized the world wasn't such a terrible place and perhaps I could last another half an hour.

Wedding food!

-----9-----

If you are a relative or friend of the bride and groom, be merciful and let go of your expectations.

I was extremely grateful for all my family and guests who traveled to a new place for the wedding, had to make plenty of adjustments, hardly got to see or talk to me at all, and still extended nothing but love towards me. They realized how stressful the day must be for the bride and groom, and didn't place any expectations on us at all. In fact, no one even told me when things were going wrong, but they just took care of any problems that came up, socialized and had fun with each other, and came willing to be pleased. I can only hope that I will be that gracious at all weddings I go to. Too many people in India think that the wedding is about them, and that they need to be honoured or paid attention to. Blessed are those who do not take offence easily!

-----10-----

Plan a few little elements of your wedding that are just for you and your new spouse.

Bring aware that you are going to have to compromise on a lot, and a lot of things are going to go wrong, if you can, reserve a few small elements that you know will give you joy. One of mine was choosing the 'Stars on 45' track as our wedding march song - a song my dad used to regularly play for us when we were kids, and was a familiar and beloved tune in the midst of an unfamiliar and crazy day. The other thing was planning a small party after the wedding where dancing was the centre of the evening as Joel and I love to jive together, and we knew it wouldn't be a major element of our actual reception.

Alright guys, that's all! Do you have any wedding tips for people beginning to stress out about their upcoming weddings?

On Being a Bookworm

Cousins and siblings and me

My four siblings and I grew up without cable TV, and with our noses in books at every possible moment - when we were supposed to be studying (hidden behind our study books of course, or smuggled into the bathroom for long 'bathroom breaks'), during family holidays in Panchgani, during class in school (did our teachers know and just ignore it as not worth caring about?), during our larger family parties where no one would notice one or two grandchildren missing (of course one carries a storybook to parties), and so on.

My parents never had to figure out what to give us for Christmas and birthdays, we were usually into one particular series of Enid Blytons and were perfectly satisfied to receive another book to add to the collection (not to mention, as soon as we finished our own books, we would exchange with our siblings).

My parents were bookworms themselves, and most afternoon rest time and late nights before bed, they would pick up their current book and read a few more pages. They had much more discipline than the rest of us though, who would usually not stop reading until we finished our book, even if it meant reading by torchlight or cell phone light so we wouldn't get in trouble if my parents saw the light on in the early hours of the morning.

Yes, I had a book at a picnic

I am currently rereading Little Women in anticipation of the movie coming out in a few weeks. As I read, I am reminded of how the books we read and grow up reading form us and become a part of us. The characters in Little Women not only seem like old friends I know well, but as I read about Meg's efforts at homemaking, I was reminded that keeping a home clean and beautiful is a worthwhile gift to give my family (well, my husband at the moment), and I actually left my book to go and complete my many half-done household chores. As I read about Jo going 'into a vortex', as she started writing her stories, I remembered my dear blog and the joy I get out of my scribbles, and out of sharing them with others.

I have often bemoaned my (lack of an) education in convent school - I feel like I wasted many years of my life parroting facts, daydreaming and learning how to be invisible. What I should  have been doing was discovering the world, how big and interesting it was, and how fascinating learning could be. But what I missed out in school, I gained through my storybooks. I learned about the world through those books, I learned what history felt like through fiction and non-fiction set in different times and places and ages. For the general knowledge I have now, the familiarity with different cultures, the vocabulary and the writing skill I possess, I credit the books I voraciously consumed through my life.

Of course I chose 'Books' as my topic for Topic Week during my teacher's training course

But I have also come to the conclusion that being a bookworm is not a permanent identity, and it can (and has) been easily stolen by the temptations of the Internet. I have not been a bookworm for several years now, choosing instead to consume the written word on Facebook and Twitter. What a waste of time most of that has been. I recently asked a friend to change my Twitter password, and my new year's resolution has been to read more books, which has been happening aided by spotty Internet (a mixed blessing). If I want to grow and learn, I have to give up something to get something. If I want my kids to love to read as I did, they'd better not see me stuck to my phone.

I have also realized that not all books are worth consuming, and that I need to be a little picky about how I spend my reading time. When I was young I consumed every book I could get my hands on. I must have read every book I found in my home (we had a big bookshelf filled with books), not just the children's books. In the process, I came across some thrillers with graphic violent and sexual scenes that scarred my mind. It's hard to remove mental pictures once you see them. I also spent a few years reading sexually explicit romance novels, a sinful habit that was addictive and hard to break but thanks be to God was finally able to. I wish I had never come across some of those books, and will do my best to make sure I read every book in my house because if my kids are anything like me, they will have the same struggles.

The solution is not to ban books, but to fill your home with good books, books worth reading, books that inform and enlighten and illuminate, books that lift you up out of yourself, or give you a glimpse of the good, the true and the beautiful, books that make you want to fight injustice and be a better person and love and live without fear.

Reading one of The Chronicles of Narnia to my nieces a few years ago

I also wish I had been exposed to more Indian authors and storybooks, because my knowledge of my own country is lacking. I know more about life in Nazi Germany than I know about the Indian freedom struggle. I wish there were more easily available and readable books about the normal lives of different types of Indians of different times. It is such a diverse country, and there is so much to learn. I feel like I've learned more about lives of Indians by following Humans of Bombay than I have in years of reading books. I'm sure there are more books, I just have to be more intentional about seeking them out and buying them. Reading Midnight's Children by Salman Rushdie was quite the eye-opener.

As a teenager and as an adult, the Catholic and Christian books I read formed my conscience, my imagination and my desires, and slowly helped me set my mind on higher things. Books like The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom, The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne, He and I by Gabrielle Bossis, Searching for and Maintaining Peace by Fr. Jacques Philippe, and even The Chronicles of Narnia were very formative. Little Women and books by Mrs. George de Horne Vaizey (what a mouthful) had Christian worldviews, and while perhaps they were not always subtle, they were effective in making me want to be holy, to be less selfish, to be better.

I wish we had more well-stocked public libraries. I visited a beautiful one in Panjim, Goa. I still hope one day to start a library that makes good books accessible to underprivileged children. But I also wish educated and privileged parents would invest in story books for their children. Reading doesn't seem to be a popular pastime in India. Another dream I have is to be a professional storyteller who goes to different schools and groups and tells stories and gets kids excited about books. I did that during the one year I taught in a village school, and all my children loved reading by the end of the year.

One dream at a time. I'll start with me, and try to return to the world of books this year.

What good books have you read lately? Do you read as much as you'd like to?

My class in the village school, with the 'library corner' far left

Five Things I've Learned about Living with a Spouse

A month ago a friend asked me to write an article for the bulletin of the Family Commission Centre, with just a day's notice. I managed to complete it, and I thought I'd share it here with my blog readers... to make up for the weeks when I didn't post anything (sorry!).

I got married just one month ago, so as a newly married wife, I am obviously now an expert on marriage. Just kidding! I am in the process of learning to live with and love another human being, a lifelong process. My lessons started long before I met my spouse - in my family, and in different women’s households over the past nine years. The lessons I learned have been invaluable, and are serving me well, as I begin life with a husband.

1. Your spouse is different from you, and that is okay: It is so tempting to want our spouse to become another version of us, to do things our way. I prefer quiet, contemplative prayer times where I listen to an audio bible reflection and journal as I drink my coffee. I can hear my husband on the other hand in the next room strumming the guitar loudly, singing worship songs vigorously and reading Scripture aloud. Which is a better way to pray? That’s a silly question! God makes us different so we can learn from each other and be blessed by each other’s unique gifts and perspectives.

2. Gratitude changes everything: One of the sneakiest ways Satan tries to attack our relationships, is by planting seeds of resentment. The best way to combat that temptation is to cultivate gratitude. Look at your spouse, and your life together and thank God (and your spouse) for the gifts you see. None of us are perfect. But life doesn’t have to be perfect to be beautiful. "Thank you for loving me." "Thank you for cooking that meal, that was delicious." "I am so blessed to have a husband like you. I feel so loved." See how these words can transform our relationships.

3. Mercy must replace blame: We were driving from Pune to Mumbai last weekend when we suddenly realized that I had left our house keys in Pune. Our ONLY set of house keys. It was completely my fault as I had overstuffed my handbag and they had fallen out. In that moment, Joel extended grace and mercy to me. Not only did he NOT say "What were you thinking? You should have been more careful!", he instead prayed for me and the situation because he could see that I was upset by my mistake. What a beautiful witness of Christ-like behaviour! It was also a good reminder to me that the next time he made a mistake, I should remember I am far from perfect.

4. My project is ME, not my spouse: This might be particularly a wife’s temptation, but it’s so easy to want to improve and change one’s spouse. It is so much easier to see their faults and shortcomings than our own. Jesus had some clear words. ‘First take the log out of your own eye, before trying to take the speck out of your husband’s.’ My job is to work on my own holiness. So I try to avoid nagging and criticizing and constantly making suggestions for improvement.

5. There is actually grace in the sacrament: We don’t have to do this on our own strength, because we can’t. Sacramental marriages have a special grace attached to them. ‘Christ dwells with them, gives them the strength to take up their crosses…, to rise again after they have fallen, to forgive one another, to bear one another's burdens, to "be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ," and to love one another with supernatural, tender, and fruitful love.’ CCC 1642 We need to claim that grace and thank God for it. We also need to acknowledge the Third Person in our marriage, and receive His grace afresh, by spending some time together in prayer every day.

The Impossible Dreams I Dreamed

"I want to do something meaningful with my life, I want to get out of this selfish, self-centred rut, and live for others."
"Good luck with that. I used to think like that too. We all did. But once you start working, you forget about those dreams."

I was a naive 20 year old just out of my teacher's training, and instead doing a stint in the corporate world as an instructional designer in an e-learning company. Would I forget about those silly dreams with (what seemed to be to be) a fat pay cheque coming in every month, settling down into the real world?

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"Susanna is open to getting married, but she is waiting to find someone whose faith is strong and central to his life."
The Catholic auntie who was questioning my mum and me about my life choices made a skeptical face. "That's a little unrealistic these days, isn't it?"

Was it unrealistic, overly idealistic? Would I die waiting for someone who didn't exist, the laughing stock of onlookers, a good example of kooky Christians out of touch with the real world?

I had consistently desired and believed from the time I was young that I was called to family life, to be a mother and a wife. As I grew older, I sometimes wondered, why would God have put these strong desires in my heart (not everyone had them) if they were not meant to be fulfilled? I began to be embarrassed to share that dream with others as I crossed 30.

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On the Feast of the Epiphany yesterday, I suddenly thought about how ridiculous the three wise men must have seemed as they started their journey, following a... star??!! There must have been more socially acceptable ways to spend their time, or search for truth and meaning. Who gets on camels and follows a star? Maybe people didn't outwardly deride them, because they were obviously important, well-to-do men known for their wisdom. But in all times and places and cultures, there are social norms for what are and are not acceptable life goals.

It must have taken a very long time, probably years of preparation and study, and months of the actual journey. But, oh the joy, when they found the One they had been searching for!

And behold, the star that they had seen at its rising preceded them, 
until it came and stopped over the place where the child was. 
They were overjoyed at seeing the star, 
and on entering the house they saw the child with Mary his mother. 
They prostrated themselves and did him homage. (Matt 2: 9-11)

This is not a blog post about believing in yourself and following your dreams. Not all dreams are worth pursuing. (Unpopular opinion, I know.)

But when we quiet ourselves, and search within, we often find the God-given dreams and hopes, the purest desires of our hearts. Many have not yet been fulfilled.

Maybe it's a dream of a strong Christian community where your faith is nourished and strengthened.

Maybe it's a desire for a specific kind of mission - a community centre where all are welcomed and loved and offered Christ, an outreach to sex workers, a prolife ministry.

Maybe it's a dream for mental, emotional or physical healing, where you are not constantly struggling and overwhelmed and drowning.

Maybe it's a dream for reconciliation and healing in your family.

Maybe it's a dream for a solid Christian spouse and a family.

Maybe it's a simple dream to live a happy and holy life wherever you are.

Maybe it's a dream to be free of a certain sin that you struggle with - pornography, indiscipline, anger.

Maybe these dreams seem unrealistic and far away and unlikely to ever reach completion.

Do not stifle these dreams! Hold on to them! Pursue them! Wait for them! Pray for them! Write them down! Find people who will encourage you in your dreams. (No cynics or pessimists allowed.) Do not allow despair or frustration rob your heart of hope.

Pope John Paul II said, "“It is Jesus that you seek when you dream of happiness; He is waiting for you when nothing else you find satisfies you; He is the beauty to which you are so attracted; it is He who provoked you with that thirst for fullness that will not let you settle for compromise; it is He who urges you to shed the masks of a false life; it is He who reads in your heart your most genuine choices, the choices that others try to stifle. It is Jesus who stirs in you the desire to do something great with your lives, the will to follow an ideal, the refusal to allow yourselves to be ground down by mediocrity, the courage to commit yourselves humbly and patiently to improving yourselves and society, making the world more human and more fraternal.”

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You know my story. I left my job, worked for a happy year in a school in a village. I joined a Catholic mission organization, and learned to be holy and less selfish over the next nine years. A year ago, I met and was courted by a strong man of faith, and we are now married and have started our family life together. Some dreams take time, but they are worth waiting for.

I have more dreams. I am tempted to get impatient and doubtful when I don't see them immediately take form. But remembering the slow ways God led me forward in the past gives me hope.

I pray this post gives you hope too.

Related Resources

How To Begin Dreaming (Abiding Together podcast: 33 minutes audio)