On Being a Bookworm

Cousins and siblings and me

My four siblings and I grew up without cable TV, and with our noses in books at every possible moment - when we were supposed to be studying (hidden behind our study books of course, or smuggled into the bathroom for long 'bathroom breaks'), during family holidays in Panchgani, during class in school (did our teachers know and just ignore it as not worth caring about?), during our larger family parties where no one would notice one or two grandchildren missing (of course one carries a storybook to parties), and so on.

My parents never had to figure out what to give us for Christmas and birthdays, we were usually into one particular series of Enid Blytons and were perfectly satisfied to receive another book to add to the collection (not to mention, as soon as we finished our own books, we would exchange with our siblings).

My parents were bookworms themselves, and most afternoon rest time and late nights before bed, they would pick up their current book and read a few more pages. They had much more discipline than the rest of us though, who would usually not stop reading until we finished our book, even if it meant reading by torchlight or cell phone light so we wouldn't get in trouble if my parents saw the light on in the early hours of the morning.

Yes, I had a book at a picnic

I am currently rereading Little Women in anticipation of the movie coming out in a few weeks. As I read, I am reminded of how the books we read and grow up reading form us and become a part of us. The characters in Little Women not only seem like old friends I know well, but as I read about Meg's efforts at homemaking, I was reminded that keeping a home clean and beautiful is a worthwhile gift to give my family (well, my husband at the moment), and I actually left my book to go and complete my many half-done household chores. As I read about Jo going 'into a vortex', as she started writing her stories, I remembered my dear blog and the joy I get out of my scribbles, and out of sharing them with others.

I have often bemoaned my (lack of an) education in convent school - I feel like I wasted many years of my life parroting facts, daydreaming and learning how to be invisible. What I should  have been doing was discovering the world, how big and interesting it was, and how fascinating learning could be. But what I missed out in school, I gained through my storybooks. I learned about the world through those books, I learned what history felt like through fiction and non-fiction set in different times and places and ages. For the general knowledge I have now, the familiarity with different cultures, the vocabulary and the writing skill I possess, I credit the books I voraciously consumed through my life.

Of course I chose 'Books' as my topic for Topic Week during my teacher's training course

But I have also come to the conclusion that being a bookworm is not a permanent identity, and it can (and has) been easily stolen by the temptations of the Internet. I have not been a bookworm for several years now, choosing instead to consume the written word on Facebook and Twitter. What a waste of time most of that has been. I recently asked a friend to change my Twitter password, and my new year's resolution has been to read more books, which has been happening aided by spotty Internet (a mixed blessing). If I want to grow and learn, I have to give up something to get something. If I want my kids to love to read as I did, they'd better not see me stuck to my phone.

I have also realized that not all books are worth consuming, and that I need to be a little picky about how I spend my reading time. When I was young I consumed every book I could get my hands on. I must have read every book I found in my home (we had a big bookshelf filled with books), not just the children's books. In the process, I came across some thrillers with graphic violent and sexual scenes that scarred my mind. It's hard to remove mental pictures once you see them. I also spent a few years reading sexually explicit romance novels, a sinful habit that was addictive and hard to break but thanks be to God was finally able to. I wish I had never come across some of those books, and will do my best to make sure I read every book in my house because if my kids are anything like me, they will have the same struggles.

The solution is not to ban books, but to fill your home with good books, books worth reading, books that inform and enlighten and illuminate, books that lift you up out of yourself, or give you a glimpse of the good, the true and the beautiful, books that make you want to fight injustice and be a better person and love and live without fear.

Reading one of The Chronicles of Narnia to my nieces a few years ago

I also wish I had been exposed to more Indian authors and storybooks, because my knowledge of my own country is lacking. I know more about life in Nazi Germany than I know about the Indian freedom struggle. I wish there were more easily available and readable books about the normal lives of different types of Indians of different times. It is such a diverse country, and there is so much to learn. I feel like I've learned more about lives of Indians by following Humans of Bombay than I have in years of reading books. I'm sure there are more books, I just have to be more intentional about seeking them out and buying them. Reading Midnight's Children by Salman Rushdie was quite the eye-opener.

As a teenager and as an adult, the Catholic and Christian books I read formed my conscience, my imagination and my desires, and slowly helped me set my mind on higher things. Books like The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom, The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne, He and I by Gabrielle Bossis, Searching for and Maintaining Peace by Fr. Jacques Philippe, and even The Chronicles of Narnia were very formative. Little Women and books by Mrs. George de Horne Vaizey (what a mouthful) had Christian worldviews, and while perhaps they were not always subtle, they were effective in making me want to be holy, to be less selfish, to be better.

I wish we had more well-stocked public libraries. I visited a beautiful one in Panjim, Goa. I still hope one day to start a library that makes good books accessible to underprivileged children. But I also wish educated and privileged parents would invest in story books for their children. Reading doesn't seem to be a popular pastime in India. Another dream I have is to be a professional storyteller who goes to different schools and groups and tells stories and gets kids excited about books. I did that during the one year I taught in a village school, and all my children loved reading by the end of the year.

One dream at a time. I'll start with me, and try to return to the world of books this year.

What good books have you read lately? Do you read as much as you'd like to?

My class in the village school, with the 'library corner' far left

Divine Renovation: Practical Ways to Renew Your Parish

If you are a disciple of Christ who attends a parish regularly, or works in a parish setting, you must be aware that there is something sorely lacking in the way our parishes run. Parishes do not seem to be forming disciples, instead either there seems to be indifference or lukewarmness, or bitter infighting and hypocrisy, or a focus on activities over discipleship, and sadly often it is experiences within the parish that seem to be pushing people away from the faith.

Most Catholic disciples I know came to faith and were formed in their faith outside the parish setting. It was either through the Charismatic renewal, or through a lay community or movement. When they try to work with or in the parish, it seems very challenging to thrive in the parish environment.

As someone who has worked with and in the Catholic Church for many years, sometimes in parish settings, I have often written about the need for change within the Church. I wrote about When I Get Tired of Being Catholic, The Different Levels of Conversion Needed in the Church, What’s Wrong with Catholic Youth Groups and The Two Big Missing Pieces of Our Catholic Faith.

Imagine my excitement when I came across a book called Divine Renovation: From a maintenance to a missional parish. Fr. James Mallon seems to have faced these problems first-hand as a parish priest in Canada, but instead of rolling over and dying, he allowed the Holy Spirit to work in bringing about real change. What I love most about the book is how PRACTICAL it is.

I want to share a few cool tips and ideas that you should definitely incorporate into your parish if you have a voice there. But before that HERE IS SOME SUPER-COOL NEWS.

Fr. James Mallon is going to be in MUMBAI on Saturday, June 15th for a Transforming Parishes Conference. It's for parish priests with their assistant and a lay leader. If you know your parish priest well, convince him to attend! What a great opportunity, right on our doorstep! Sign up here.

So here are a few of the many great insights and suggestions Fr. Mallon talks about:

1. Equip and empower the laity: 'The primary task of the pastor is not to do all the work of ministry himself, but to equip the saints to do the work of ministry... Ministry proper to laity should be allowed to flourish without clerical control: serving the poor, feeding the hungry, evangelizing, and forming small Christian communities where people are cared for, loved and helped to move towards maturity.' If everything has to be run by or controlled or micro-managed by the priest, or everything has to be run on church premises, your parish is never going to flourish. Of course the key is placing DISCIPLES (with common-sense) in positions of responsibility and leadership, not just power-hungry clerical-minded lay people.

2. Create a welcoming, hospitable parish culture: 'Hospitality does not mean being friendly with our friends and all the people who look, think, and talk like us, but reaching out to the stranger.' Form a hospitality team, welcoming every person who enters the church with a smile and a handshake, reaching out to strangers, and unfamiliar faces (especially the poor and visitors from other religions). At weddings and funerals and Christmas and Good Friday services, acknowledge and greet the many newcomers from the pulpit, and help them understand what is going on. And for goodness sake, move to the middle of the pew so people who are standing have place to sit!

3. Create a welcome booth: Make it easy for newcomers to get information about joining the parish and parish activities. 'Staff it with friendly parishioners who are eager to help.' My team and I once did a Christmas day welcome booth at my parish, and we invited visitors to attend an evangelistic Christmas programme a few days later. People were visible touched by our friendliness, obviously not something they had ever experienced while visiting a church before. Why not every Sunday?

4. New Parishioner Event: Get someone from the hospitality team to get in touch with new parishioners, and invite them to a short hour-long event (with not more than 20 new parishioners) to get to know the parish priest, a member of the welcome team, etc and each other. Fr. James' parish did wine and cheese, we can do cake and coffee. People need to feel connected. In our big parishes in India, it's so easy to feel lost and invisible. We have to be very intentional about helping people connect.

5. Use uplifting, beautiful music: I loved Fr. James' entire section on music. There are different kinds of hymns, but we need to give pride of place to hymns that are not just talking about God, but talking TO God. 'It is in praise to God that we move away from fixating on the idea of God to the experience of God... It is hymns of praise that move the heart most and help lead those who gather into a personal encounter with Jesus.' How many of us can say that about hymns we sing at Mass? I remember the harmonized, melodic Mass hymns I experienced in the Philippines, and compare it with the jarring 60s pop music in churches in India. We can do better! Beautiful music is evangelistic.

6. Preaching the Good News: The kerygma should be at the center of every homily. 'Every homily.. ought to preach Jesus Christ, his death and resurrection, and the new life found in him.' No more tired self-help, or vaguely inspirational messages. Last year I heard a young Salesian deacon give an excellent homily about 'second chances with Jesus'. It was simple, direct, clear, evangelistic and hopeful. Even the kids in the congregation were listening intently. Preach with joy, preach with love, and preach the GOOD NEWS of Jesus Christ. 'Have a group of parishioners who will give you brutally honest feedback about your preaching.' (Preferably clear-minded disciples.) Painful, but effective.

7. Create opportunities for every parishioner to encounter Jesus and the power of the Holy Spirit: The tool Fr. James uses and I highly recommend is a programme called Alpha. 'Alpha is a ten-session process that re-introduces the Christian faith.' It's welcoming, non-threatening, always involves food and friendship, is a great way to invite and include friends and family, can be run in people's homes, and helps people feel a sense of belonging and community.

8. Name Tag Sunday: Once a month get every parishioner to wear a name tag, and greet people they don't know before or after Mass. It makes it easier to say hello to someone new, something I often struggle with. 'Just like the Cheers theme song goes, we really do have a deep desire to go where people know our names... We want to go to war with the notion of anonymous Christianity.' 

9. Prayer Ministry after Mass: I love this! Have trained prayer teams available after every Mass, and invite anyone who needs prayer to approach them. I have often tried to remember to offer to pray with people, in the moment and aloud, rather than the usual promises to pray later that are often forgotten. Prayer ministry is the next level. What an easy way to connect with and love the people who show up at church. I have often thought about how parish offices should have a cozy little room where there is always someone available to offer a cup of coffee, a listening ear, and a prayer.

10. Inviting people: If we want to be missionary parishes, we need to be willing to invite people for evangelistic events, to prayer meetings, bible sharings, Mass, Adoration, youth group, concerts, etc. We cannot continue to exist only for ourselves, but must go outside and invite people in. But how? Start by praying for the people you're planning to invite. Pray for courage. Don't be afraid of getting a no. 'We are responsible for inviting, but not for the response to the invitation.' Also, 'success is the number of people being invited, not the number that show up.' Sow the seed, and allow God to work. And be persistent if the answer is 'Not this time'.

Okay, obviously there is a LOT more in the book which I highly recommend that you read. Buy a copy for your parish priest. Look up the Divine Renovation website. And invite the Holy Spirit to transform your parish!

The Two Big Missing Pieces of Our Catholic Faith

As y’all can probably tell, I extensively read and write about the practise of the Catholic faith in the world today. Also, did I mention I was an INTJ? Maybe once or twice. That means I am a PROBLEM-SOLVER. I must know the answers, find the solutions. My brain and heart (what heart?) won’t rest until I find the perfect answer to the problems of the world. While there is no obvious, practical answer, I remain disturbed and not at peace.

Over the years, I have come to be more and more certain that the answer to everything is Jesus. Overly simple, but sometimes the truth is. In a more specific way, the Catholic faith, with its rich body of unchanging truth, the transforming grace of the sacraments and the beautiful witness of the saints through the ages. And yet this answer seems lacking.

Here’s the problem. There are over a billion Catholics in the world today, and more than 2 billion Christians… and yet the problems remain. The ugliness of human sin, the despair of lives without meaning, the repeated wounds we inflict on those closest to us, the indifference to suffering of others, a lack of true and fulfilling joy… It seems to pervade Christians and non-Christians alike.

I’ve seen it everywhere, in many of the Christian and Catholic circles I have spent time in, in parishes, communities, in movements and youth groups. And because of that, many are leaving the Catholic faith, often choosing the possibly more comforting uncertainty of agnosticism. Because if Jesus promised fullness of life why is it that so few Christians seem to be living it? It’s like we’ve got hold of part of the answer, but there are some crucial pieces missing from the jigsaw puzzle. Everyone has opinions about what’s missing.

Here are some of the answers I’ve heard people come up with-

It’s the liturgy. If only we returned to a beautiful liturgy and better music in our Masses, that would bring people back to the truth, beauty and goodness of God.

Better catechesis and apologetics. It seems like most people have no clear idea of what the Church actually teaches, and even the idea of truth has been obscured. If we catechized young Catholics better, they would love truth and spread truth.

Spread of humanism over religion. Religion itself is the problem. If we taught people to just help people, and cut out all divisive references to God, then we will achieve self-fulfilment, true harmony and brotherhood among all people.

Practise of meditation/ yoga. If we set aside time for silence and meditation every day, we will find inner peace and an awareness of our own divinity.

I suppose it is superfluous to say I don’t agree any of these are real solutions (although some of them seem to have elements of truth). Many of these have been tried and found lacking.

Our Masses could definitely do with a big helping of beauty (I still cringe through most music selections). But I’ve heard of many ‘traditionalist Latin Mass Catholics’ who seem to lean towards exclusivity and being judgmental, so apparently beauty doesn’t protect from that. Truth and a love for and an understanding of truth are hugely important. But I’ve come across plenty of apologists who are obsessed with truth over love, and don’t seem to be drawing people into anything except an argument (that was me once upon a time).

Selfless service to humanity is one of the most desperately needed and Christ-like ways to live. Yet humanists seem to rely on their own inner goodness, which unfortunately falls short too often, and all too soon we come face to face with the selfishness and fickleness of most people, and even ourselves (if we’re honest), leading to disillusioned and cynical ex-do-gooders. Those who regularly practise some form of meditation do seem to have an edge over the rest, because silence is a good place to start to know ourselves and God. But too often meditation and yoga can only help with an experience, not a real transformation of the heart or the world.

So what has my brilliant INTJ-brain come up with as the two big missing pieces?

1. Entering into a personal relationship with Jesus and becoming intentional disciples

Yeah, yeah, sounds obvious. But it isn’t! From my experience, most Catholics are either unfamiliar or uncomfortable with talking about God as if He is a Person that they know. Ask a Catholic, “What has God been saying to you recently?” and see if that question confuses and confounds them. The bigger problem is that no one asks that question in Catholic circles.

And what is this concept of ‘discipleship’? It means being a Catholic is more than just a side hobby for one’s life. Full disclosure: I’m on Catholic dating website, and too many profiles seem to be of young men who seem to belong to a Catholic club that adds an interesting element to their normal life of job, family, travel and hobbies. But being a CHRISTIAN is so much more!

Like the motto of one community I’ve been involved with: “All of my life for the rest of my life.” It means re-ordering EVERYTHING in one’s life and seeking God’s will in everything. How many Catholics are truly willing to ask God what HIS plan is for their lives, rather than telling Him their plan and asking Him to bless it? How many are willing to ask GOD if they should have another child, or give up a lucrative job opportunity or a promotion, whether they should emigrate, or spend their leisure time differently, or change how they spend their pay cheque?

The true disciple says, “Lord, I will go wherever you want me to go, do whatever you want me to do, say whatever you want me to say, and give up whatever you want me to give up.” 

I see the obvious lack of this element everywhere I go – Catholics on social media are quite happy to talk or share posts about theology, apologetics, devotions, saints, chastity or virtues. But I have rarely comes across any who talk about their own walk with God. Same for priests in their homilies. We hear tips for self-improvement, generic exhortations to love others and be better people, sometimes good theology, but I have rarely heard a priest talk about how God has convicted him in prayer. Youth groups are about personality development and a platform to showcase our talents, instead of falling in love with Jesus. No wonder people leave the Church- they have not yet met the God we talk so much about!

2. A life lived closely to the poor: 

I HAVE met many Catholics who have fallen in love with Jesus and talk about Him in a personal and intimate way. Almost all of them have had a personal encounter with Jesus through the Charismatic renewal. I can pretty easily spot those who have – and it’s not the ‘Hallelujah’s and ‘Praise the Lord’s they shout at random moments. Just kidding, most don’t do that.

But I do see a comfort with prayer and God’s Word, they are often in Adoration chapels, they are not visibly uncomfortable with the concept of evangelization, they often seem more open and interested in what God is doing in the world today. Other Catholics often seem more cynical and negative, or more comfortable with Christianity as a theory, not a love affair.

But. Too many Christians who are into their faith still stop short of a truly obedient counter-cultural witness to the world – the witness of a life lived in solidarity with the poor. I don’t mean that Christians are not generous to the poor. Many are – they will write cheques, create foundations, sponsor orphans. The Catholic Church is one of the biggest charities in the world.

But most of us want to remain in our comfortable bubbles, our social circles of equally privileged friends and family and communities. We do our bible studies and prayer meetings and conferences and retreats. And we give a small percentage, making sure that it will not affect our hobbies and lifestyles. We live in our (sometimes metaphorical) gated communities occasionally making a quick awkward visit to an orphanage at Christmas, and then rush back to our comfy lives and our ministry among those like us. Gospel poverty is for a select few, we say, like Mother Teresa. 

James 2: 15- 17 says, "If a brother or sister is naked and lacks daily food, and one of you says to them, "Go in peace; keep warm and eat your fill," and yet you do not supply their bodily needs, what is the good of that? So faith by itself, if it has no works, is dead." That's not really an if. Our brothers and sisters ARE naked and DO lack daily food."

If we unstop our ears, we can hear clearly that God is calling us to far more. Pope Francis, Mother Teresa, most of the saints, the words of Scripture shout out plainly that unless we prioritise the poor, we are far from the Kingdom of God. As long as the poor continue to suffer, and we Christians continue to go about our business, our witness will never have power.

I speak prophetic words here – if each of us individual Catholics, as well as our parishes and communities and youth groups will give our HEARTS to God (not just our intellectual assent) to enter a real relationship with Him, and pledge Him unreserved obedience, and if we will give up our privilege to help carry a small part of the burden of a suffering world, making friendship with the poor a normal part of our lives, we will begin to see REAL renewal in the Church. 

No more lip service or hypocrisy, but an unquenchable fire; an irresistible attraction to a world that is looking for authentic witness; power to our words about the saving power of Jesus Christ; a real joy and peace that the world cannot steal or replicate; spiritual fruitfulness, conversions, and visible signs and wonders.

I speak so confidently because I have a seen a small portion of the Church live this life of radical discipleship and gospel poverty, and I can see the difference in their lives. They still have problems and suffering, but their lives shine with Gospel joy. I know it’s easy to write about, and far more challenging to live out (don’t tell me, I’m still working on it). But let’s begin by admitting we have a problem, and asking God to show us the next step.

Highly Recommended Reading

Forming Intentional Disciples by Sherry Weddell
Happy Are You Poor by Fr. Thomas Dubay
A Poor Priest for the Poor: The Life of Fr. Rick Thomas SJ by Richard Dunstan
Divine Renovation by Fr. James Mallon
The Hole in the Gospel by Richard Stearns
The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne

Looking for God this Lent? Read a Book

Have you ever felt bored with God? Just sort of indifferent, wondering what all the fuss is about? Maybe you once had an experience of God, or even intellectually assented to the Christian faith, but life goes on, and now it’s just a not super-relevant part of your life or thoughts. People keep saying, “Pray! Read the bible!” And you try that too, but it’s all so boring, and you can’t stop your mind from wandering to more attractive avenues.

There may be a lot of reasons why you have reached this place. It could be that you are in a state of sin that has dulled your senses to God, and until you choose to face that sin, you’re stuck in this lifeless zone.

It could be that your life is too full of other stuff, fleeting pleasures, quick fixes, that you don’t know how to receive anything more fulfilling. You’ve been eating so much junk food that your body doesn’t remember how good a real meal can taste. (I was going to say a steak and a salad but not sure how that would be received in India.)

This is my theory: (It’s not exactly original, but anyway.) YOU ARE WHAT YOU CONSUME. Or even, you develop a taste for whatever you consume the most of. If you keep reading nothing but romance novels and Sidney Sheldons, your brain slowly turns to mush and can no longer accept anything more solid. If you spend most of your time watching TV shows, your mind will constantly be engaged by the drama you watch, and not have space for anything else. If your life is football, that is what you talk about, think about, fight about, and picture as you drift off to sleep. If you listen to The Greatest Showman soundtrack multiple times every day, you start picturing yourself as the star of a musical and practise dance steps in your head at every idle moment (this has NOTHING to do with my life). If you spend a lot of time talking to, thinking about and finding out more about a particular person, your relationship will probably go deeper.

Our minds are very connected to our hearts. Greater knowledge often leads to greater love. If you want to fall in love with God, you need to allow Him to capture your imagination again. Like Saint Paul said, be transformed by the renewal of your mind. How does that work? You, friend, are privileged enough to know how to read. The riches of the world are at your disposal! I refer, of course, to books.

Read a book! Read a good book about God! “The man who does not read has no advantage over the man who cannot.” I have been reading since I was five. But at the formational years of my life, I read books that captured my imagination, and opened my eyes to how big God is. If all we see of God is the external customs of our family’s religious traditions, no wonder we have grown bored of Him. If we don’t know what treasures are hidden in the Eucharistic God, if we haven’t caught sight of the grandeur and majesty of a Creator God, if we have not yet glimpsed the passionate tenderness of the Lover God, if we have not seen the intricacy and wisdom and faithfulness of the Scriptural God, if we have not seen the transforming power of the Saviour God in broken and wounded human lives, then how can we fall in love with this God?

So, friends, I beg you - read a book this Lent. Read MANY books if you can. Move some stuff out of your life to make room for this book-reading. Make a reading plan, and stick to it. ‘Nothing is more practical than finding God, than falling in Love in a quite absolute, final way. What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination, will affect everything… Fall in love, stay in love and it will decide everything.’ Fr. Pedro Arrupe

Here are some great book suggestions:

Easy Level Reading

1. The Cross and the Switchblade by David Wilkerson

2. The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom HIGHLY RECOMMEND

3. Something Other Than God by Jennifer Fulwiler* HIGHLY RECOMMEND

4. I Dared to Call Him Father: The Miraculous Story of a Muslim Woman’s Encounter With God by Bilquis Shaikh*

5. The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis*

6. Mother Angelica: The remarkable Story of a Nun, Her Nerve and a Network of Miracles by Raymond Arroyo*

7. Death of a Guru by Dave Hunt and Rabindranath Maharaj*

8. Kisses from Katie: A Story of Relentless Love and Redemption by Katie Davis*

9. Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers

10. Daring to Hope: Finding God’s Goodness in the Broken and the Beautiful by Katie Davis Majors

11. The Heavenly Man by Brother Yun

12. Catholicism for Dummies*

Medium Level Reading

1. Saint John Paul the Great: His Five Loves by Jason Evert* HIGHLY RECOMMEND

2. A Father Who Keeps His Promises by Scott Hahn

3. The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis HIGHLY RECOMMEND

4. Signs of Life: 40 Catholic Customs and Their Biblical Roots by Scott Hahn*

5. The Lamb’s Supper: The Mass as Heaven on Earth by Scott Hahn

6. Rome Sweet Home by Scott Hahn

7. Let Go by Fenelon

8. Time for God by Fr. Jacques Philippe*

9. In the School of the Holy Spirit by Fr. Jacques Philippe*

10. Who Does He Say That You Are? Women Transformed by Christ in the Gospels by Colleen Mitchell

11. The Apostasy That Wasn’t by Rod Bennett

12. You by Fulton Sheen

High Level Reading

1. He Leadeth Me by Fr. Walter Ciszek* HIGHLY RECOMMEND

2. Story of a Soul by St. Therese of Lisieux*

3. Sober Intoxication of the Spirit by Fr. Raneiro Cantalamessa*

4. Abandonment to Divine Providence by Jean-Pierre de Caussade*

5. Catechism of the Catholic Church- Section on Prayer*

6. Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis (full disclosure, haven't finished this)

Books I’ve heard of and am waiting to read:

1. My Sisters, the Saints: A Spiritual Memoir by Colleen Carroll Campbell

2. These Beautiful Bones: An Everyday Theology of the Body by Emily Stimpson

3. Confessions by St. Augustine

4. Theology for Beginners by Frank Sheed

5. One Beautiful Dream: The Rollicking Tale of Personal Passions, Family Chaos, and Saying Yes to Them Both by Jennifer Fulwiler

6. Arriving at Amen by Leah Libresco

Of course just reading a book is not enough. Ask God to meet you when you read. Be sensitive to the ways the Spirit is working in you as you read. Dialogue with God as you read. And meet Him in prayer after you read.

Have you read any of these? What are some books that have been transformational in helping you encounter Christ?

*These are books that I own and would be happy to lend you if you live in my city. Most of these books should be available to buy as ebooks. Some are available at local Christian bookshops.

The Antidotes to Anxiety

So you know how I've talked about my struggles with anxiety in the past? Apparently, they don’t totally go away, much as I wish they would. Everything seems peaceful and happy and normal (ish), and then suddenly the monster rears its ugly head again.

A small problem – someone mad at me about something, a plan that goes awry, an unpleasant task that I’m avoiding, news about Trump, or hearing about reasonable people who are suspicious of Pope Francis – suddenly begins to feel like a huge problem, a symptom of a larger disease, a doomsday scenario, with everything crashing and burning and pointing to the truth that there is no hope and things are never going to change.

But yesterday at Mass as I struggled with a racing heart and a sense of impending doom, I realized something. This battle, this drama that I am aware of, and is freaking me out, is not happening ‘out there’. It’s happening right here, in my heart and in my mind. It is a battle for my peace.

I am being lied to.

I have been reading an excellent book called ‘Divine Renovation: Bringing your parish from maintenance to mission’ by Fr. James Mallon, and he draws an insightful analogy from The Lord of the Rings trilogy.

‘In J. R. R. Tolkein’s great work, The Lord of the Rings trilogy, we see... Denethor, the high Steward of the ancient Kingdom of Gondor. He is a steward, not the King. The line of kings had ended centuries before to leave the Kingdom under the management of a steward, but Gondor was maintained by an almost supernatural hope that the King would return to reclaim his throne once again, a hope that Denethor has lost… 

Denethor made mistakes that led to his utter loss of hope. First of all, he had forgotten that he was but a steward, not a king, and not the King. In truth, he had forgotten about the King who was promised to return. We in the Church are also but stewards awaiting the return of the King. We are managers whose very role is defined by the fact that the King is coming back to claim what is his own… 

The second mistake is that Denethor has a distorted and edited view of reality… he had been using one of the lost Palantir stones… that let him see what was happening all over Middle Earth. The problem was that the evil Lord Sauron controlled what he saw… Through his edited version of reality, Denethor was manipulated into his loss of hope. We, too, can easily fall prey to viewing what is always an edited reality as being the whole story.’ 

When I hear a voice that says, “This is all hopeless. These people are never going to change. The Church, your country, the world, those people… they are all doomed. They are sinful, angry, closed and wilfully blind. And it’s your fault. There must have been something you could have done. Or something you should have done differently. But it’s too late now. Everything is sad and bad and scary and you have to deal with this scary world alone,” I can be very sure whose voice that is.

The voice of God is never accusing, never despairing, never angry. The voice of God is filled with hope. There will be a challenge, but never condemnation in His words. Those who speak words of cold accusation and condemnation do not speak for Him, but for His Enemy.

Anxiety, negativity and hopelessness spring from believing the lying, insidious voice of Satan. So what’s the solution?

1. Acknowledge the lie: It was such a sense of relief when I held up what I was feeling to the light, and found that it was NOT true. It was all in my head- the magnitude of the problem, the dark despair of the problem. But as long as I clung to the lie, it had power over me.

2. Speak the truth aloud: Say it- “Everything is going to be okay.” “I am loved.” “I am not alone.” It’s not just a platitude. Everything really IS going to be okay. All suffering on this earth is temporary. Social stigma, the failure of our life's work, loss, betrayal, disappointment, persecution, loneliness seem like the worst things in the world, but they're not. They eventually end. Death will come to us all, but suffering and death do not have the final word. The King will return. God is till God. One day He WILL judge the living and the dead, and only what was done in love and for love will remain. No scary outcome can take away that truth.

3. Live a surrendered life: If it is true that I am a steward, NOT the king, or the saviour of this world which for some reason I sometimes think I have to be, and that there IS a true King and Saviour, then I need to let go of that control I cling to so tightly. I don’t need to wait for a big crisis to surrender, but to give to him the little obstacles, problems and fears as they come. Someone has a problem I can’t solve? Instead of letting it escalate in my mind, I need to bring it to Him, ask Him if there is anything I need to do. If there is, I need to do it, and then let it go. If there isn’t, I need to let it go, and trust that He can save the world, and that particular person and their situation. I've seen Him work miracles when I give it to Him, working things out in ways I could never have done myself.

Living anxiously is not a normal or healthy way to live. Fighting for peace is one of the most important battles I will ever fight. It’s a battle for truth, for freedom to see the world and its people the way they are- broken, but not irredeemable. I have to choose to keep fighting. But I trust that it’s a battle that can be won, because I have the Prince of peace who is fighting with me and for me. ‘The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear?’

Thoughts on Re-reading Jane Eyre

--1--

With what high sounding words did the characters express love! It almost makes one choose to do likewise after several hours of reading this piece of literature from yesteryear.

Behold, for example, these impassioned words spoken by Mr. Rochester to our little Jane, the first words that revealed his tenderer feelings for her, the night she saved him from being burnt in his bed by his SPOILER ALERT mad wife.

"I knew," he continued, "you would do me good in some way, at some time;-- I saw it in your eyes when I first beheld you: their expression and smile did not"- (again he stopped)- "did not" (he proceeded hastily "strike delight to my very inmost heart so for nothing. People talk of natural sympathies; I have heard of good genii: there are grains of truth in the wildest fable. My cherished preserver, goodnight!"

Let's put that in simpler modern-day English.

"I thought love was only true in fairytales, meant for someone else but not for me. Then I saw your face, now I'm a believer! Not a trace of doubt in my mind. I'm in love, I'm a believer!'

Guys, looking for words to express your love? Give it a try- "Your expression and smile struck delight to my very inmost heart!"

--2--

Well before the day of hookups and make out sessions, Mr. Rochester and Jane showed us that hand-holding can be very romantic, and an even thrilling encounter. No casual hand-holding for them! (Or me.) No stray kisses before love was committed. Physical contact meant a lot.

He held out his hand; I gave him mine: he took it first in one, then in both his own.

---3---

Morality and an awareness of God, a desire to do what is right in the eyes of God was a major turning point in the novel, not something you would expect from most literature today, except third rate horribly written Christian romance novels. I can't imagine most people agreeing that Jane made the right decision, SPOILER ALERT denying herself the joy of loving and being loved and fleeing Mr. Rochester when she found he had a mad wife.

Her inner struggle was fascinating to me, because she was tempted for sure, but I love the point where she says, "I will keep the law given by God; sanctioned by man. I will hold to the principles received by me when I was sane, not mad- as I am now. Laws and principles are not for the times when there is no temptation; they are for such moments as this, when body and soul rise in mutiny against their rigour; stringent are they; inviolate they shall be. If at my individual conscience I might break them, what would be their worth? They have a worth- so I have always believed; and if I cannot believe it now, it is because I am insane- quite insane; with my veins running fire, and my heart beating faster than I can count its throbs. Preconceived opinions, foregone determinations, are all I have at this hour to stand by: there I plant my foot."

Wow. In the age of 'if it feels good, do it', who has that kind of inner strength? And yet her struggle has been experienced by us all at some point. If my God allows me to do what I want when I want and how I want it, and never demands of me anything hard, then my god is ME and my selfish whims.

---4---

But of course, as I often do when I get engrossed in fictional stories of unhappy marriages, I ask myself like any good Catholic INTJ would- 'Would he have grounds for an annulment?' And I breathe a sigh of relief when I realize that in this case, there are the clearest grounds for annulment I've ever read. He was pressured into this marriage, information about the mental health (not to mention age) of his prospective wife was hidden from him, he was told that his mentally ill mother in law was dead.. I'm no canon lawyer, but that does NOT sound like a valid marriage. Phew!

(Just FYI, as a Catholic I believe that if a couple freely make a lifetime commitment to each other, they are in fact bound for a lifetime to each other. An annulment is not a 'Catholic divorce', but a marriage being declared invalid (that it was never a real marriage) because there was some element missing when the vows were made- like one or both were forced into the marriage, some important information was hidden, one or both did not really plan to be open to children, etc.)

---5---

As I read Jane Eyre, I was reminded that the details of attraction and falling in love don't really change from culture to culture, and age to age. There is the acute awareness of where the other person is placed in a room at any given moment, there is observation of the other person's every passing mood, and inferences made in one's mind about the why and wherefore of every fleeting expression, there is a strong resolution not to make it obvious that one is observing, especially if one is not assured of the other person's affections, there is much pondering and reflecting on the character of the other person, there is pleasure taken in the smallest sign of affection, as there is in knowing that one has the power to make this beloved happy. Amirite? (Or is this just INTJ romance?)

---6---

And although there is much that is easy to identify with, the dramatic elements of Jane Eyre are hysterical. SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS, A mad wife! Who laughs maniacally, and attacks, and bites, and drinks the blood of the one she bites. The madwoman ripping the veil in half the night before her husband is supposed to be married to another. A wedding stopped at exactly the point where the priest says "If any of you has reasons why these two should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace" (well, the fancier version of those words). The mansion being burned down. Supernatural communications between lovers. So dramatic, and yet so enjoyable.

Okay, I'm done.

In Which I Obsess About Books

Woman Reading on a Settee by William W. Churchill

Can you believe I've actually been reading books again? Wait, you didn't know that I had stopped. It was part of my struggling with anxiety, feeling overwhelmed with life, messing up on time management and never getting through my to do list (if I was organized to actually put it together) a few months ago.

But over the past month and a half I have been slowing down, allowing myself to relax, saying no to the many extra things that suck my time and mental energy, and making time for some of the things I really want to do -like read books. (Whenever my friend R saw me reading a book, she would be so relieved because it meant I was not struggling with anxiety or tense about my pending work.)

So with no further ado, here's a list of some AWESOME books I have been reading.

The Great Divorce by C.S.Lewis

SO good! Two friends promised me that this was an awesome book, it has been lying in my house for months, and I finally added it to my backpack as I left on a two week trip to the Philippines. I also took two other books, and seeing as this one wasn't a novel, and might have involved using my brain, I left it to the last leg of my return journey, the train back to my city. And then I started reading... and oh boy, it was GOOD. I startled my fellow passengers by laughing aloud, muttering "Oh my goodness, YES!" and mm-hmming as I read. (I'm not even kidding.) Read this book, everyone! 

C.S Lewis speaks TRUTH, and in such a subtle and insightful manner that you have to THINK... but in a good way. According to wikipedia, The Great Divorce is a work of theological fantasy by C. S. Lewis, in which he reflects on the Christian conception of Heaven and Hell. But it's so much more- it makes you think about motives, and excuses, and lies that we tell ourselves and start believing, and the evil that we so comfortably live with. AAHHH. Truth!!!

It also very clearly presents how the concept of Hell works with a loving God:

“There are only two kinds of people in the end: those who say to God, "Thy will be done," and those to whom God says, in the end, "Thy will be done." All that are in Hell, choose it. Without that self-choice there could be no Hell. No soul that seriously and constantly desires joy will ever miss it. Those who seek find. Those who knock it is opened.”

“Good beats upon the damned incessantly as sound waves beat on the ears of the deaf, but they cannot receive it. Their fists are clenched, their teeth are clenched, their eyes fast shut. First they will not, in the end they cannot, open their hands for gifts, or their mouth for food, or their eyes to see.”

The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd

I think that when I write my book, I would like to write like this. It's REAL. The characters jump out at you. It makes it so much more obvious what bad writing is, when you read good writing. The main character, Lily is not a character, she's a PERSON. She doesn't do, say or think exactly what you expect her to. She's not just a victim, but a human being with faults and temptations and weaknesses, who does stupid or dishonest or hurtful things sometimes, but also does brave and kind and loving things too. She's honest.

The book is about a 14 year old white girl in the American South in the 60s and how to escape an abusive home, she and her black caregiver moves in with three African-American sisters who keep bees. A lot like To Kill a Mockingbird, and something like The Help.

What's interesting about the book for me is the Catholic influence- they're obsessed with a statue of a black Mary, who seems to be a source of strength for them. In many ways I feel like they explained well how Mary loves and helps her children even though she is not God... until the end when it became a new-agey 'Mary is within you'... YOU are the source of your own strength, or something of that sort.

Anyway, great book- read it!

Searching For and Maintaining Peace: A Small Treatise on Peace by Jacques Philippe

As soon as I started reading this tiny book, I wanted to buy a hundred copies and give them to everyone I know. (Wait, I know more than a hundred people.) I feel like this book answers a question that most Christians don't even know they have. I know SO MANY Christians who struggle with anxiety and fear, and think that that is normal. It isn't! God does not want us to be anxious! He GIVES us peace, and asks that we receive it.

There are so many little lies we believe that keep us from accepting that peace: "If this or that circumstance of my life changed, THEN I could be peaceful", "If only I stopped falling into sin", "If only that person wouldn't aggravate me", "Someone I love is suffering so of course I should be troubled"...

But they are lies. And Jacques Philippe explains why, simple and concisely. Tiny book, big impact. Get it- I promise you won't regret it. Everyone whom I've passed it on to has had exactly the same reaction.

"If I am still not able to remain at peace when faced with difficult situations, then it is better that I should begin to strive to keep this peace in the easier situations of everyday life: to quietly and without irritability do my daily chores, to commit myself to doing each thing well in the present moment without preoccupying myself with what follows, to speak peacefully and with gentleness to those around me, to avoid excessive hurry in my gestures and in the way I climb the stairs!"

Okay, that's enough for now. Go read a book!

Have any of you read any of these books? What did you think of them?

Guess What I've Been Doing?

(In between many other things)

Yes, my copy of 'Something Other Than God' got here, and

I would read it on a train
I would read it in the rain
On a hill
In a tent
On a bench
On a couch
On a bed
On a bus
I would read it here or there
I would read it ANYWHERE!

And I did! And it was great! I promise to write more about it later. Now who wants to borrow it?

7QT: Seven Reasons You Should Read 'Something Other Than God'

T and I are equally excited! She's the one whose giving me a copy of SOTG

(In the absence of real copies of the book, this will have to do)

So you remember how excited I was when Jennifer Fulwiler said she FINALLY finished the book she was writing? The good news is... it's out! People all over the world are reading and writing about it.
The bad news is, I'm not. Not because I haven't ordered the book- I used two offers of gifts to buy two copies of the book.

But friends from the US are bringing my copies down next Sunday, so I'll have to wait for a whole week to join the #SOTG party. Which means I miss out on almost all the fun contests that Jen is holding. I mean, who doesn't want a chance to win a banana suit?

Anyway, without further ado, here's seven reasons I am recommending Something Other Than God, a book I have never read, and yet bought two copies of, and hope that as many people as possible buy and read. (Talk about blind faith.)

----ONE---

Jennifer Fulwiler is a GREAT writer. I used to read a LOT. In recent months, I've stopped reading as many books, mostly because I don't seem to have enough time or attention. Still, I have pretty high standards for what I do read, when I read. And in the past six years or so that I've been reading her blog, Jennifer's writing has never failed to make me think, laugh, say "Ah-ha!", post on FB, reblog or want to share with others. She's simple, clear, insightful and thank the Lord, funny too.

---TWO---

As I'm sure you've noticed on this blog, from the very subtle clue in my blog name, I'm all about authenticity and keeping it real. I don't have time or attention for anything that smells even a little bit fake, or clichéed, or too well-polished. Jennifer manages to present enough about the reality of her messy, awkward, scorpion-ridden life for us to know that she's real, and so is her story.

---THREE---

I love conversion stories. I know, I know, some people think that it helps validate my faith, reinforce my worldview. But look at it from another angle. I'm already convinced. I'm not reading to prove the truth of my faith to me, but I am VERY interested in how people get from one worldview to the one I believe is true. How does a smart, well-to-do, educated atheist become a convicted Catholic mother of six kids (under the age of 10)? I'm especially interested because her personality type (INTP) is very close to mine (INTJ), and so she is VERY rational, and analytical, and VERY committed to the pursuit of truth. It wasn't just a 'When you know, you know' kind of conversion experience, or a touchy-feely experience of God at a retreat (we INTJs DESPISE feelings... JUST KIDDING JUST KIDDING). She anticipates the questions I would ask, and answers them. Well.

---FOUR---

Most of the other Catholic bloggers that I respect have read the book already, and highly recommended it. When the highly critical Simcha Fisher recommends something, everyone pays attention.

---FIVE---

Jen worked on it for four years, and re-wrote it several times. And SHE says it's good. She said that her target audience was anyone who enjoyed a good story. So it's not just a Christian book for Christians. It's a good book. It's the kind of book I know I'm going to want to give away to everyone (or at least lend, since it costs $18.50).

---SIX---

It's kinda cool that Catholics all over the world (well, especially the US) are all reading the same book. It's kinda like we're all part of the same family. Oh, wait.

---SEVEN---

This video:

So what are you waiting for? Go buy the book! 

P.S. Yes, I plan to actually write a review of the book once I actually READ it! Now I just need to plan the perfect moment to enjoy something I've been waiting for for so long. I think it might involve a quiet spot, some Bailey's, chocolate and zero interruptions from the world. Oh yeah.

If you're planning to buy it, have bought it, or have read it already (SO jealous), let me know in the comments.