How To Write a Dating or Matrimonial Profile

As you might have noticed, I have just ventured into the world of matchmaking. Part of the process is inviting applicants to fill in some details about themselves. I don't know if it's because we don't encourage self expression in India, or because written communication is sometimes hard, but many people seem to get stuck at the 'About Me' section. 

Why is this section important? Because you are more than a checklist, more than a list of beliefs of even hobbies. (You are definitely way more than your height, weight, complexion, salary or degrees which is why those aren't even a part of the form.) 

You are a unique, unrepeatable creation of God, and it is that unique person that needs to shine out of a profile. When another person reads that profile, they need to get a glimpse of YOU, not a generic list of traits that could be practically anyone. Easier said than done though, right? 

Here are some tips that might make it easier:

1. Be prepared to write at least two short paragraphs for each of these type of questions (or more, if you feel inspired.) A few adjectives on their own don't say much. Set aside some time to think and prepare what you want to say and how you want to describe yourself. If you don't care enough to work on it, it is less likely that someone viewing your profile will care enough to pursue the person behind the description.

2. Think of some of the words that could describe you. It could describe the work you do, the things you get excited about, your skills and talents, your good qualities, your quirks and oddities. 

3. Ask a close friend (or a few of them) to describe you as they see you, and if their descriptions seem apt, use them. I once wrote a dating profile for a close friend, and she loved it because I knew her well and was able to encapsulate what made her unique and lovable.

4. Be very honest. Don't make yourself sound more or less than you really are. Don't be afraid to be yourself, because it is the real you that you are taking into dating and marriage. Just don't make yourself sound like a paragon of all the virtues, or joke about real vices. 

5. Don't write generic words like god-fearing, caring, homely, etc. Try to find either more specific words or explain what you mean. 'I love cooking and finding ways to care for the people in my family.' 'I value family prayer and always try to do what God asks me to do.'

6. If you're still having a hard time, here are a list of words or phrases as well as questions you can ask yourself that might spark ideas. Don't just pick from this list, but try to be creative in your choice of words, and think deeply about what YOU are like, and what YOU want.

What are some words that describe your personality?

Examples: Funny, loud, adventurous, over-thinker, positive, lively, chatty, easygoing, control freak, hardworking, honest, blunt, serious, organized, ambitious, exuberant, high energy, mischievous, sarcastic, simple, lifelong learner, introvert, extrovert, life of the party, good listener, quiet, thoughtful, always on the move, deep thinker, active, introspective, sensitive, outgoing, quirky, unconventional, emotional, empathetic, compassionate, motivated, competitive, goal-oriented, neat freak, absent-minded, patient, creative, practical, trustworthy, reliable, energetic, loyal, non-judgmental, determined, passionate, persistent, decisive, loner, daydreamer, independent, contemplative, prayerful, lover of people, lover of God, peaceful.

What do you like to spend your time on?

Examples:  I love making birthday cards for my friends, you can usually find me playing online word games, I spend a lot of time baking and trying out new recipes for my family, I love talking to people and finding out what makes them tick, I love my job and spend a lot of time learning more about my field, my friends and I put on karaoke videos on Youtube and sing and dance for fun (we are a crazy bunch), I am obsessed with cars and can identify the make and model of most cars as I pass them, I tend to watch a lot of documentaries, I love gardening and have started growing some vegetables, I often go out with friends and listen to their problems and counsel them, I love organizing social events for people to get together, I spend most weekends running or climbing mountains or finding new physical challenges to conquer, I love hanging out with my family and chatting about everything over a cup of tea. I spend a lot of time reading Catholic blogs and study apologetics for fun. I am in a worship band and we get together every weekend to sing God's praises. I tutor underprivileged kids on the weekends.

What are some dreams or hopes you have?*

Examples: I hope to start an NGO one day that reaches out to street children and gives them a safe place to study and play. I am trying to read 50 books this year. I hope to visit all the continents of the world with my family. I would love to learn more about the bible and even teach others about it. I hope to start my own catering business one day (maybe with the help of my spouse). I want to buy a car, have a bunch of kids and do road trips all over India. I would love to be part of a musical. I want to start my own vegetable garden. 

What kind of family and marriage do you hope to have? 

Examples: I want to have the kind of home and family where the poor are always welcome to share a meal. I hope my spouse and I will be able to grow together and learn together about how to keep our marriage strong. I would like to be able to communicate well with my spouse in a way where we both feel comfortable sharing the little, big, and most intimate details of our life. I would love to do ministry with my spouse, reaching out to others and sharing Jesus together. I would like a marriage where we are equals, sharing responsibilities especially in the home and in raising children. I visualize a family that is an active part of a Christian community, not isolated or alone. I would like my spouse and I to teach our children to love God and to be adventurous in serving Him. I want an honest marriage where we are comfortable talking about our past wounds and helping each other heal. I would like a marriage where in-laws and outsiders do not interfere and we make our own choices according to God's will. 

What kind of spouse are you hoping for?

Examples: Someone who listens to and respects my desires and thoughts and feelings. Someone who loves God and puts Him first. Someone who is calm even in the face of trials and provocation. Someone who is financially responsible and willing to work hard for the sake of the family. Someone who is affectionate and loving. Someone who is as adventurous as I am. Someone who supports my desire to stay home and focus on our young children. Someone who is comfortable with sharing household and parenting responsibilities. Someone who is willing to support me in my dreams and career. Someone who does not drink alcohol (or drinks only occasionally in moderation). Someone who will be a good father. Someone who will prioritize family over career. Someone who is willing to be part of the prayer community that I am in. Someone who will love my family as his/her own. Someone who will love me in spite of my health issues. Someone who flexible and adaptable. 

Examples of deal-breakers: Someone who expects me to join the joint family and become like a servant of the home. Someone who will not accept the responsibility of my aged parents. Someone who is a workaholic. Someone who loses his/her temper and shouts and screams when angry. Someone who is very introverted. Someone who will not allow me to work outside the home. Someone who is controlling. Someone who is very conservative or liberal. Someone who smokes or drinks. Someone who only wants one or two children. Someone who cares too much about what people say (or what their parents say). Someone who is not open to my charismatic prayer community. Someone who does not follow the teachings of the Church. Someone who hates dogs. Someone who is too serious and doesn't like to go for movies or parties. Someone who is too frivolous and only likes to play, never pray.

Examples of non-negotiables (this overlaps with deal-breakers): I can only marry someone who is willing to move to my city. I am only open to someone who is willing to prioritize prayer and the spiritual life of our family. I am only open to someone who has lived away from home for some time (for work/studies). I am only open to someone willing to take at least a few months to date/court/get to know each other. I need someone who is willing to accept my choice to live as a missionary. I need someone who is fluent in English/ my mother tongue. 

Picking a profile pic: Let people get a glimpse of who you really are by giving a real smile, taking a close up photo, and removing all obstacles like sunglasses or hats. Stand up straight, no need to pose in front of a car or bike, be casual but alive. A photo says so much. And it isn't too difficult to get good quality photos these days - just catch a friend with a good phone camera, find a nice backdrop (nature is usually great), be willing to pose for a few shots and choose the best one.

Anything to add? Any other ideas or suggestions for writing dating or matrimonial profiles?

Twenty Easy Ways to Love Your Introvert

1. Do NOT thrust a phone at them unexpectedly saying “Here, talk to so-and-so.”Instead give them five minutes warning to mentally prepare themselves for a phone conversation which will probably involve small talk.

Introvert's Friend/Lover: Here, say hi to so-and-so. 

Introvert: Kill me now. 

2. DO ask them deep and meaningful questions like “How would you have done this event differently?”or “What is your earliest childhood memory and how do you think it has impacted the person you are now?”

Introvert: What a great question! Do you have a couple of hours? 

3. Allow them to go on and on about their favourite topic every now and again even if you couldn’t care less, and heroically ask them further questions. Try to actually care.

Introvert: I see I've won you over to the wonders of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. I knew you were always secretly interested. 

4. Make sure they always have access to the internet and don’t be offended when they disappear into their phones every now and again.

Introvert: I'm not ignoring you. My brain has just reached full capacity for social interaction. 

5. Do NOT ask them to leave the house more than a couple of times a week.

Introvert's Friend/Lover: You want to go for Kyra's party on Friday? 

Introvert: I'm sorry, I went to to that wedding on Sunday, so no, not possible. 

6. Make sure they get enough sleep. Tell them to take a nap.

Introvert's Friend/Lover: Go take a nap. 

Introvert: I love you. 

7. Plan a movie at home and order takeout food at least once a week (if not most nights).

Introvert's Friend/Lover: Want to go to the mall? 

Introvert: Did you say 'Want to watch the new season of Young Sheldon?' Why yes, I would LOVE to.

8. Buy a soft and comfortable couch and a fluffy comforter.

Introvert: I need to feel safe and loved. I either need a hug or a couch. 

9. Remind them to look at the stars. They often get so caught up in their own thoughts that they forget, and they appreciate the reminder.

Introvert's Friend/Lover: Look at the stars! They're so beautiful. 

Introvert: Oh my gosh, they are! I haven't seen them in years! I didn't even know we HAD stars in the city. 

10. Stock up the house with their favourite junk food – they are unlikely to leave the house to buy it themselves.

Introvert's Friend/Lover: Here you go - Lay's, Budhani's chiwda, Twix and chocolate chip cookies. 

Introvert (moved to tears): I didn't know you loved me THAT much. 

11. Do NOT mock them for doing everything online including grocery-shopping and asking for directions.

Introvert's Friend/Lover: Why not just stop and ask someone? 

Introvert: How many times do I have to tell you? Siri IS someone. 

12. Do NOT tell them they’re boring or antisocial; instead tell them, “It’s wonderful how you are perfectly content by yourself.”

Introvert: Why yes, it is pretty wonderful. 

13. Do NOT keep talking to them when they are reading a book.

Introvert's Friend/Lover: Hey, did I tell you I met Bob at the supermarket? 

Introvert (lifting his or her eyes from the book): Do you hate me? 

14. Ask them about their latest brilliant idea to save the world or make millions or fix all the problems.

Introvert: I had another brilliant idea I've been working on all day. 

Introvert's Friend/Lover: Tell me more! 

15. Ask them for book recommendations. Borrow a book from them, read it and then tell them what you liked about it.

Introvert: Love my books, love me. 

16. Offer to do the shopping.

Introvert: I will do all the cooking and all the cleaning and all the things that don't involve me leaving the house... But please, please... 

Introvert's Friend/Lover: Fine, I'll go. 

Introvert: You saved my day. 

17. Make a plan to go out and then cancel it. Go back to No. 7.

Introvert: Aw, we can't go out because of traffic? Too bad. I'm so disappointed. JUST KIDDING, GIVE ME A SEC TO CHANGE INTO MY JAMMIES AND GRAB SOME HOT CHOCOLATE! 

18. Do not get mad when they cancel plans with flimsy excuses.

Introvert: I can't come because er.. I forgot I had to clean the stove. 

Introvert's Friend/Lover: Sounds legit. Maybe next time. 

19. Do NOT ever force them to dance in public. Offer to teach them to dance in private.

Introvert's Friend/Lover (pulling arm of introvert at wedding): Come on, we're all dancing, I know you really want to join us. 

Introvert: I'm sorry, it's very important that I sit at this empty table and guard the coats. 

20. Cover for them when they disappear at social events. Show them good nooks to disappear to when they need to.

Introvert's Friend/Lover: Here's the bathroom, there's another balcony, and at worst, there's the back door. 

There you go, you now have the key to every introvert's heart. Any other tips, introverts?

Related Reading

Thoughts of an Introvert at a Party

How an Introvert Socializes

More Interesting Introvert Facts

Sue’s New and Improved Personality Types

Anyone who knows me in person or reads my blog knows how much I love personality type indicators. I am infamous for analyzing people’s Myers-Briggs personality types as my preferred form of small talk at parties. (The only person who won’t let me categorize him is my boyfriend.) But I have moved a step beyond MBTI, temperaments, and all those mainstream categories. Try out my new and improved personality types:

Good Morning Messengers vs Whatsapp Group Leavers 

Good Morning Messengers are the people who just want to spread some love and cheer with a charming picture of flowers or a puppy with melting eyes and a kindly ‘Good morning, friends’ or an inspirational quote. They are touched by receiving such messages. They want to sprinkle this love and positivity in every Whatsapp group they are a part of. They cannot understand anyone who is not like them. “Why would you object to such an innocuous and friendly gesture? Don’t you like inspiration? What is wrong with you?’

Whatsapp Group Leavers are the people who are tempted to throw their phone out of the window if they receive ANOTHER GOOD MORNING MESSAGE on a Whatsapp group or as a broadcast message. As they would lose too much money in phone repairs, they opt instead to quietly stalk out of the Whatsapp group when the Good Morning messages or inspirational forwards bring their blood to boiling temperature. Occasionally they send terse messages (especially if they are admins) saying ‘Hi, please refrain from sending messages unrelated to the purpose of this group. Thank you.’ Or they message the people who send broadcast messages saying ‘Hi, please remove me from your broadcast message list. Thanks.’ Note the forced politeness of the ‘Thanks’ at the end. Some of them have a permanent Whatsapp ‘About me’ that reads ‘No forwards please’. It says everything you need to know that that is their ABOUT ME.

Cats vs Dogs 

It is very easy to differentiate Cats and Dogs after a few interactions with most human beings. My friends thought I was randomly assigning labels to people until I proved there was a pattern by asking my sister to do it with me, and we agreed on every person’s personality type. So here’s the Cat and Dog personality type decoded.

Dogs are affectionate, emotionally available, empathetic givers. They love to hang out with people, would rather agree with people than disagree with them, and are enthusiastic about most things. Dogs will run up to you and give you a hug and a kiss. The downside of being a dog is that sometimes dogs can be needy, and feel lonely or neglected easily.

Cats do their own thing. They often disappear from social occasions either physically or mentally. They are reserved, and not as easy to please. They are perfectly happy on their own, and rarely worry about what others think of them or their choices. They are sometime emotionally unavailable. Cats can be pretty judgy. However if you give cats their space, they will come to you on their own, and there is nothing more satisfying than a cat’s affection because you know they are very picky, so a cat rubbing against you and purring is quite a mark of approval. Also cats may not admit this, but they secretly really like receiving affection even though they may not ask for it.

The Fly-by-the-Seat-of-their-Pants vs The Add-Fifteen-Minutes 

Try making a plan with another human being and you will easily find out which category they fit into. The Fly-by-the-Seat-of-their-Pants will vaguely calculate the amount of time they need to get somewhere assuming all conditions are fine, and they plan to leave with exactly that much time to spare. But then when it’s time to leave, you see them chatting away cheerfully, or waltzing around the house grabbing earrings and shoes and putting on make-up (obviously I know more female FBTSOTPs). They will always be late, or perhaps exactly on time, and some of their friends start secretly planning to tell them a time half an hour earlier than everyone else, or to sneak into their house and change all their clocks and cell phone timings.

The Add-Fifteen-Minutes after obsessively checking the address and the time, calculate how much time they will need to get somewhere in the worse possible conditions (‘Let’s assume there’s going to be a terrible traffic accident which will block all the roads, plus the traffic lights go off, plus the cops pull me over to check my license, plus I was told the wrong address ’) and THEN they add another fifteen minutes just in case. The AFMs are usually standing at the door staring at their watch and getting stressed out when the FBTSOTPs are doing their last-minute dance. AFMs are usually early or on time to most events, but they live their life slightly more stressed out than their counterparts, who always optimistically believe everything is going to work out so they reach in time, even though it rarely works out that way.

The Ironers vs The Creases-Happen 

The Ironers iron everything. They usually need an extra 30 minutes to prepare to leave for any event because it takes them that much time to iron all their clothes perfectly. It pains them to see people wearing slightly creased clothes. If creases appear in their previously-ironed clothes, they are quite likely to take it off and iron it all over again. To the bemusement of non-Ironers, these guys iron their bed sheets, their underwear and their socks.

The Creases-Happen folk are far more chilled out about ironing. They may or may not know where the iron in the house is located. They consider ironing clothes an extra special task one does for special occasions like weddings. When the creases in their clothes are pointed out to them, they shrug and say ‘Creases happen.’ Their theory is that no matter whether one irons or not, life will add creases to their clothes, so why bother ironing? Occasionally, if feeling pressured to iron, they may try to iron clothes while still wearing them (not advised).

The Night Dishwashers vs The Chatters 

You will find out where you lie only at the end of a party. The Night Dishwashers start washing dishes even before the guests start leaving. They are agonizingly aware of all the dishes piling up as people socialize and keep eating and discarding dirty plates and glasses. As the party draws to a close, the mountains of dishes draw them in. No matter how tired they are, they consider it the unforgivable sin to leave it till the next morning.

Meanwhile The Chatters are living in the moment. They see not the dishes but the people, and they will keep the party going and the guests entertained until the last moment. And THEN they sit down and put their legs up and chat about how the party went. They cannot understand why The Night Dishwashers are so obsessed with the dishes. “Why not leave them till the morning?” It is the question that divides them, an impassable chasm. The Chatters’ deepest desire is for The Night Dishwashers to just sit down and rest and hang out with them. The Night Dishwashers’ deepest desire is for The Chatters to offer to help to do the dishes and clean up all the messes. Mary and Martha had Jesus to sort them out, but you guys better get that communication on if you are living in the same house.

So there you go. I hope you found these personality types helpful in figuring out who you are, and why everyone finds you so annoying. You’re welcome.

Related Posts

A Melancholic Searches for Joy

6 Reasons You Should Do the Myers-Brigg Personality Test

How Sue Classifies Myers-Briggs Personality Types

When You Are in a Dark Place and Can’t Get Out

I’ve written a lot about negativity, anxiety and hopelessness. But I feel like it’s time to talk about it some more because I keep meeting or hearing from people who are struggling with this. Naturally upbeat and positive people don’t get it. “Just focus on the positive! If you just try hard enough, you won’t feel this way!” But if you’ve been there you know it’s easier said than done.

I found this entry in my journal from many years ago when I was living in the Philippines-

I’m so confused. I’m so annoyed with myself. Everything seems hazy. I feel like there’s something wrong with me, and I don’t know what it is. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing. I feel like I wasted the whole day, and yet I don’t know what I should have been doing… 

...I feel lost and empty. I’ve been trying to fill myself with food... I feel so unhappy. And I don’t know what to do with this feeling. I feel like there’s nothing I can do to change this feeling. Maybe I need to focus on something other than my own feelings… I feel useless, and incapable of being useful. I want to go home, and yet I know that’s not a solution. I’ve been spending too much money in the past week, so buying something will not help. I slept well last night, and napped in the morning, so sleep won’t help. I used the Internet, and I’m still sad. I spent so much time talking to T, so company isn’t the answer. I don’t have an answer. I even prayed, Lord. 

I’m tired of the Philippines. I’m tired of this life. I want to achieve something, do something purposeful. I’m in a blue funk. That’s it. I even wish I could ignore this feeling by watching a movie and getting involved in some fictional character’s lives… 

…I thought I could make a difference. And yet I know it’s very difficult to make a difference out of the context of relationships… I feel like a failure at relationships, and hence a failure at being a full-timer. Sure, I teach well. But what percentage of my life is spent teaching anyway? What’s the use of having gifts if I don’t use them? I just feel like a failure at life. 

Plus, I have a horrible haircut.

I feel like I’m living in my own dream, and it’s just a dream. I wanted to be a full-timer, I wanted to bring Jesus to people, I wanted to make a difference. And most of the time, I feel like I just don’t have what it takes...

Can I watch a movie so I don’t have to think of this anymore? 

…I need to clean my room. A cluttered room is a sign of a cluttered mind. The thing is, I know my mind is cluttered. My room doesn’t have to tell me that. But maybe one affects the other. 

You know what, Sue? This is just a mood. Moods come and go. This too shall pass. 

Oh my gosh, just re-reading that takes me back to the blackness of despair. It’s happened at other times too, but not usually for extended periods of time. But many of us have been there - just lost, disoriented, hopeless. Everything seems meaningless, our own lives feel empty, and nothing seems to work or make sense. No amount of positive thinking seems to help, and people’s breezy suggestions just seem to rub salt in the wound. It’s like being stuck in a dark miry bog that you just can’t pull yourself out of. It’s easy at those moments to give up hope, to have self-harm or suicidal thoughts. 

Where is this coming from? Well, I’m no psychologist, but I've noticed that for many people, it seems to be the effect of wounds or trauma from the past, things that have not been their fault, but have happened to them.

But it’s more than that. It’s a spiritual darkness too. It is the stark feeling of being cut off from God, cut off from love. It is a lie that has become our reality – that we are alone, forgotten, abandoned. I’ve had nightmares like that. It is the best lie the Enemy can come up with because it is the exact opposite of the Truth - that we are known, loved, seen, cared for, surrounded. ‘O Lord, you have searched me and known me... You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me.’

So what do we do in the midst of this despair?

1. Cry out to the God you cannot feel. The Psalms are full of similar cries – honest and pain-filled cries to heaven. Just voicing your pain is an act of faith. 'Save me, O God, for the waters have come up to my neck. I sink in the miry depths, where there is no foothold. I have come into the deep waters; the floods engulf me. I am worn out calling for help; my throat is parched. My eyes fail, looking for my God.' Psalm 69:1-3 Take time to pray even if all you're doing is crying at the Lord. Journal. If possible, seek out an Adoration chapel where you can do it. Take tissues. It's okay to cry.

2. Go to Confession. Many times the big immovable obstacle blocking us from knowing God is our own sin. It piles up, day by day, and makes us more and more vulnerable to the lies of Satan. The worst depths of darkness I have felt were when I was caught in habitual and serious sin. It sucks the life out of you. So go! Run to Confession. Prioritize as you would emergency surgery. If you need help, ask someone to help you make it happen. Even if you’re in a habitual sin that you are not sure you have the strength to stop, still go! God just asks us for sorrow and repentance, and a willingness to try to get it out of your life. Frequent Confession can HELP you stop sinning. You don’t have to have your act perfectly together before going to Confession. Every time I have gone it has been a dark cloud that lifts, a clarity and peace that returns.

3. Forgive or confront the people involved: Sometimes our darkness comes from unresolved conflicts, or bitterness from the wounds inflicted by others. It may also be because of ongoing toxic relationships. Pray about it, and ask God for the grace to forgive them from the heart. But also go and talk to them. If you try and the relationship is not salvageable, maybe you need to remove yourself from a place of continued wounds.

4. Give yourself a break: Sometimes our most painful wounds are self-inflicted – “Why am I this way? Maybe if I was different I wouldn’t be going through this. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just be happy like everyone else? Maybe if I just worked harder or tried harder. Maybe I made a mistake that brought me to this place.” GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK! You are allowed to be imperfect. You don’t have to have it all together. Very few people do. It’s okay to be struggling. It’s okay to have weaknesses. Be at peace with the struggle. If God can be patient with you, you can be patient with yourself.

5. Speak aloud your foundational truth: Ask God to show you the lie you are most prone to believe – I am no good, the world is all hopeless, God doesn’t really love me, I am alone. And then ask Him to show you the Truth that combats the lie. Pick just one bible verse, and every day say it aloud for 15 minutes. Don’t just think it, or remember it. ACTUALLY SAY IT ALOUD. Yes it sounds crazy, and maybe if anyone overhears they’ll think you’re crazy, but do you want something new or not? You can’t always control your thoughts and feelings, but you have control over your speech. So use the parts of you that you can control. The Word of God has power and can bring real healing. Also, choose to stop talking about why everything is hopeless and horrible.

6. Go outdoors: And leave your devices behind. Go for a walk or a run. Sit on a park bench and look at the trees. Sometimes that’s what you need to get out of your head.

7. Notice your triggers: Write down when you are feeling this darkness- what preceded it? What factors contributed? For me, spending too much time on social media or watching movies, or staying up late plus tiredness always made it much worse. But when I’m in the middle of it, it’s hard to remember that it’s not random, but there are common factors.

8. Notice the things that spark joy: Every time you feel a flash of joy or a time of peace, write down what helped. Ask yourself at the end of the day- Where did I experience God? For me at the moment, it is listening to Bethel, playing with babies, feeling rested, and praise and worship. Prioritize those things! Do something that gives you joy each day even if it’s just for a little while. They are not unimportant because your heart is not unimportant. Also, look for ways to reach out to others - surprisingly that often helps!

9. Get negative music and media out of your life: We become what we consume. Switch it with music that lifts you up and helps you connect with God.

10. Talk to someone: The more we wallow in the darkness of our own thoughts, the easier it is to start believing they are true. Reach out for help! Ask a Christian if you can come talk to them, if you can regularly meet with them. If you have no people around, plan regular (even daily if necessary) video chats with people who will listen to you, but are unafraid to speak the truth joyfully and clearly and again and again. (Don’t talk to people who drag you further down.)

11. Seek professional help: If you’ve tried it all and this darkness and despair is unchanging and unshakeable, it may be time to seek out counselling or therapy. There are helplines available, you can look online for something accessible. Don’t be embarrassed. I know many people who have struggled with depression at certain times of their life, and sometimes have needed medication to help them for a time. It doesn’t make you a failure to seek help when you need it.

12. Remind yourself that this is not forever: I know it FEELS like it is forever when you’re in the middle of it, but I promise it isn’t! You will feel happy again! You will be at peace one day! This too shall pass. It’s going to get better! There is HOPE!

Where can I go from your spirit? Or where can I flee from your presence? If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light around me become night,” even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is as bright as the day, for darkness is as light to you.

Psalm 139: 7, 11-12

I am praying for you all. Feel free to reach out if you need prayers for a specific situation.

Related Reading 

A Melancholic Searches for Joy 

The Antidotes to Anxiety 

The Poison We All Breathe 

My Experiences With Anxiety and Peace

New Year's Resolutions for the Motivationally Challenged

The INTJ’s Guide to Not Being a Party Pooper

1. When people get really excited about completely impractical and unrealistic ideas 

a. Do NOT say, “That is a completely impractical and unrealistic idea.”
b. DO summon up a little excitement and interest and find something at least not negative to say.
c. Although it may be too much to expect you to say, “What a great idea!” sincerely, at least do NOT say “What a great idea!” in a sarcastic tone.
d. Instead try, “That’s very interesting! What made you think of it?”
e. Or “Yeah, that could work! Maybe if you just (add something to make it slightly more practical).” f. At worst, just think of follow-up questions so you don’t have to provide an actual opinion.

2. When people throw you a surprise party 
a. Rearrange your facial expression from horrified to mildly excited.
b. Do NOT say “I totally knew about it. There were clues EVERYWHERE! I’m too smart to be lied to.”
c. Instead say, “Wow! You guys!”and imply the line “I had NO idea!” without actually saying it, to save your integrity.
d. Don’t hide in the bathroom for more than ten minutes.

3. When people stay too late at a party you are hosting 

a. Do not disappear and hope everyone will just leave.
b. Do not get grumpier and grumpier and quieter and quieter.
c. Instead, at 9 pm, stand at the door and cheerfully say, “Well, THANK YOU guys for coming!” (It'll take them a few years to catch on to this trick.)
d. If they don’t get the hint, ask people how they’re planning on getting home, and arrange rides for them. e. If they absolutely refuse to leave, you have permission to disappear until they do.

4. When someone comes up with a spontaneous plan 

a. Do not list all obvious flaws in the plan (it’s too hot, there’s no way you’ll get back in time, you haven't factored in naps, etc)
b. Do not convince everyone else they shouldn’t go.
c. Instead smile and say, “You guys have fun! Thanks for inviting me though!”
d. If they get annoyed, just be self-deprecating- “Aw, you know me – boring and old!”
e. Do NOT be annoyed with them when they actually go and all the predicted problems occur. Swallow that 'I told you so.'
f. Remind them to invite you four days in advance next time they have a ‘spontaneous’plan, and allow you to help with the planning.

5. When at a party 

a. Do NOT verbally critique the social dynamics, the lighting, the food, the music and the clothes to your neighbors.
b. Instead use your mastermind powers for good – organize games, initiate conversations or introduce people to defuse awkward social situations.
c. Once everyone is having fun, go hide somewhere and check Facebook or take a nap without guilt. 

6. When in a conversation 

a. Do NOT use your phone to fact-check more than once.
b. Practise saying, “I guess there’s more than one way to look at it.”
c. Remind yourself that conversation is for getting to know people, not making a point.
d. Remember the last time you had a conversation with another INTJ – how annoying it can be to be with someone who HAS to be right all the time.
e. Listen to understand, not to reply. Do NOT dominate the conversation. Even if you have the perfect factoid, perspective or anecdote, hold it in. (Blog about it later.)

7. When someone comes in for a hug 

a. Do NOT run in the opposite direction.
b. Do NOT awkwardly high five instead.
c. DO allow yourself to be hugged.
d. Soak in the human connection for a few seconds, then smoothly disengage.
e. Pretend it was not awkward that you didn't hug back.

8. To prepare for the day 

a. Go to bed on time the night before. Stop reading comment sections, articles and blogs. Stop feeding your brain and get some sleep.
b. In the morning, repeat the INTJ bible verse: And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge... but do not have love, I am nothing.1 Corinthians 13: 2
c. Repeat “I do NOT have to be God today. God is God, and I am not. I do NOT have to save the world all by myself.”
d. Repeat “There is a fine line between confidence and arrogance, and I know I sometimes cross it. Keep me humble today, God.”
e. Practise getting rid of your generic resting face 'How could anyone be that stupid?' facial expression. Lift those lips, unroll those eyes, and un-scrunch those eyebrows.

9. During the day 

a. Sing at least one song aloud. Bonus points if you join somebody else who is singing aloud.
b. Stop and smell the roses. Or look at the sky. Or go for a walk. Just stop staring at that screen!
c. Every time one critical comment escapes your lips, add two affirming or positive comments about the same person/incident/topic.
d. Walk into a room and say something fun and positive – “What a gorgeous day! How’s everyone doing?” People may be a little shocked at the beginning, but they’ll get used to it.
e. When people ask you how things are going, discard all low-key complaints or hopeless analyses, and think of one exciting or good thing that is happening in your life or the world.

You can do this, INTJs! Go be awesome! And kind! And joyful!

The Two Big Missing Pieces of Our Catholic Faith

As y’all can probably tell, I extensively read and write about the practise of the Catholic faith in the world today. Also, did I mention I was an INTJ? Maybe once or twice. That means I am a PROBLEM-SOLVER. I must know the answers, find the solutions. My brain and heart (what heart?) won’t rest until I find the perfect answer to the problems of the world. While there is no obvious, practical answer, I remain disturbed and not at peace.

Over the years, I have come to be more and more certain that the answer to everything is Jesus. Overly simple, but sometimes the truth is. In a more specific way, the Catholic faith, with its rich body of unchanging truth, the transforming grace of the sacraments and the beautiful witness of the saints through the ages. And yet this answer seems lacking.

Here’s the problem. There are over a billion Catholics in the world today, and more than 2 billion Christians… and yet the problems remain. The ugliness of human sin, the despair of lives without meaning, the repeated wounds we inflict on those closest to us, the indifference to suffering of others, a lack of true and fulfilling joy… It seems to pervade Christians and non-Christians alike.

I’ve seen it everywhere, in many of the Christian and Catholic circles I have spent time in, in parishes, communities, in movements and youth groups. And because of that, many are leaving the Catholic faith, often choosing the possibly more comforting uncertainty of agnosticism. Because if Jesus promised fullness of life why is it that so few Christians seem to be living it? It’s like we’ve got hold of part of the answer, but there are some crucial pieces missing from the jigsaw puzzle. Everyone has opinions about what’s missing.

Here are some of the answers I’ve heard people come up with-

It’s the liturgy. If only we returned to a beautiful liturgy and better music in our Masses, that would bring people back to the truth, beauty and goodness of God.

Better catechesis and apologetics. It seems like most people have no clear idea of what the Church actually teaches, and even the idea of truth has been obscured. If we catechized young Catholics better, they would love truth and spread truth.

Spread of humanism over religion. Religion itself is the problem. If we taught people to just help people, and cut out all divisive references to God, then we will achieve self-fulfilment, true harmony and brotherhood among all people.

Practise of meditation/ yoga. If we set aside time for silence and meditation every day, we will find inner peace and an awareness of our own divinity.

I suppose it is superfluous to say I don’t agree any of these are real solutions (although some of them seem to have elements of truth). Many of these have been tried and found lacking.

Our Masses could definitely do with a big helping of beauty (I still cringe through most music selections). But I’ve heard of many ‘traditionalist Latin Mass Catholics’ who seem to lean towards exclusivity and being judgmental, so apparently beauty doesn’t protect from that. Truth and a love for and an understanding of truth are hugely important. But I’ve come across plenty of apologists who are obsessed with truth over love, and don’t seem to be drawing people into anything except an argument (that was me once upon a time).

Selfless service to humanity is one of the most desperately needed and Christ-like ways to live. Yet humanists seem to rely on their own inner goodness, which unfortunately falls short too often, and all too soon we come face to face with the selfishness and fickleness of most people, and even ourselves (if we’re honest), leading to disillusioned and cynical ex-do-gooders. Those who regularly practise some form of meditation do seem to have an edge over the rest, because silence is a good place to start to know ourselves and God. But too often meditation and yoga can only help with an experience, not a real transformation of the heart or the world.

So what has my brilliant INTJ-brain come up with as the two big missing pieces?

1. Entering into a personal relationship with Jesus and becoming intentional disciples

Yeah, yeah, sounds obvious. But it isn’t! From my experience, most Catholics are either unfamiliar or uncomfortable with talking about God as if He is a Person that they know. Ask a Catholic, “What has God been saying to you recently?” and see if that question confuses and confounds them. The bigger problem is that no one asks that question in Catholic circles.

And what is this concept of ‘discipleship’? It means being a Catholic is more than just a side hobby for one’s life. Full disclosure: I’m on Catholic dating website, and too many profiles seem to be of young men who seem to belong to a Catholic club that adds an interesting element to their normal life of job, family, travel and hobbies. But being a CHRISTIAN is so much more!

Like the motto of one community I’ve been involved with: “All of my life for the rest of my life.” It means re-ordering EVERYTHING in one’s life and seeking God’s will in everything. How many Catholics are truly willing to ask God what HIS plan is for their lives, rather than telling Him their plan and asking Him to bless it? How many are willing to ask GOD if they should have another child, or give up a lucrative job opportunity or a promotion, whether they should emigrate, or spend their leisure time differently, or change how they spend their pay cheque?

The true disciple says, “Lord, I will go wherever you want me to go, do whatever you want me to do, say whatever you want me to say, and give up whatever you want me to give up.” 

I see the obvious lack of this element everywhere I go – Catholics on social media are quite happy to talk or share posts about theology, apologetics, devotions, saints, chastity or virtues. But I have rarely comes across any who talk about their own walk with God. Same for priests in their homilies. We hear tips for self-improvement, generic exhortations to love others and be better people, sometimes good theology, but I have rarely heard a priest talk about how God has convicted him in prayer. Youth groups are about personality development and a platform to showcase our talents, instead of falling in love with Jesus. No wonder people leave the Church- they have not yet met the God we talk so much about!

2. A life lived closely to the poor: 

I HAVE met many Catholics who have fallen in love with Jesus and talk about Him in a personal and intimate way. Almost all of them have had a personal encounter with Jesus through the Charismatic renewal. I can pretty easily spot those who have – and it’s not the ‘Hallelujah’s and ‘Praise the Lord’s they shout at random moments. Just kidding, most don’t do that.

But I do see a comfort with prayer and God’s Word, they are often in Adoration chapels, they are not visibly uncomfortable with the concept of evangelization, they often seem more open and interested in what God is doing in the world today. Other Catholics often seem more cynical and negative, or more comfortable with Christianity as a theory, not a love affair.

But. Too many Christians who are into their faith still stop short of a truly obedient counter-cultural witness to the world – the witness of a life lived in solidarity with the poor. I don’t mean that Christians are not generous to the poor. Many are – they will write cheques, create foundations, sponsor orphans. The Catholic Church is one of the biggest charities in the world.

But most of us want to remain in our comfortable bubbles, our social circles of equally privileged friends and family and communities. We do our bible studies and prayer meetings and conferences and retreats. And we give a small percentage, making sure that it will not affect our hobbies and lifestyles. We live in our (sometimes metaphorical) gated communities occasionally making a quick awkward visit to an orphanage at Christmas, and then rush back to our comfy lives and our ministry among those like us. Gospel poverty is for a select few, we say, like Mother Teresa. 

James 2: 15- 17 says, "If a brother or sister is naked and lacks daily food, and one of you says to them, "Go in peace; keep warm and eat your fill," and yet you do not supply their bodily needs, what is the good of that? So faith by itself, if it has no works, is dead." That's not really an if. Our brothers and sisters ARE naked and DO lack daily food."

If we unstop our ears, we can hear clearly that God is calling us to far more. Pope Francis, Mother Teresa, most of the saints, the words of Scripture shout out plainly that unless we prioritise the poor, we are far from the Kingdom of God. As long as the poor continue to suffer, and we Christians continue to go about our business, our witness will never have power.

I speak prophetic words here – if each of us individual Catholics, as well as our parishes and communities and youth groups will give our HEARTS to God (not just our intellectual assent) to enter a real relationship with Him, and pledge Him unreserved obedience, and if we will give up our privilege to help carry a small part of the burden of a suffering world, making friendship with the poor a normal part of our lives, we will begin to see REAL renewal in the Church. 

No more lip service or hypocrisy, but an unquenchable fire; an irresistible attraction to a world that is looking for authentic witness; power to our words about the saving power of Jesus Christ; a real joy and peace that the world cannot steal or replicate; spiritual fruitfulness, conversions, and visible signs and wonders.

I speak so confidently because I have a seen a small portion of the Church live this life of radical discipleship and gospel poverty, and I can see the difference in their lives. They still have problems and suffering, but their lives shine with Gospel joy. I know it’s easy to write about, and far more challenging to live out (don’t tell me, I’m still working on it). But let’s begin by admitting we have a problem, and asking God to show us the next step.

Highly Recommended Reading

Forming Intentional Disciples by Sherry Weddell
Happy Are You Poor by Fr. Thomas Dubay
A Poor Priest for the Poor: The Life of Fr. Rick Thomas SJ by Richard Dunstan
Divine Renovation by Fr. James Mallon
The Hole in the Gospel by Richard Stearns
The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne

Three Everyday Situations That Stress Socially Anxious Introverts Out

I promise I’m not a complete mess. The calm and capable Sue that many of you know is not just a facade. I’ve learned over the years to deal with anxious and awkward feelings and for the most part, I don’t find the world at large scary and intimidating. That said, I still have remnants of social anxiety and a lot more self-awareness than I used to, and a willingness and desire to talk it out (sorry, fam). So here are some of those situations, just so we Socially Anxious Introverts can feel less alone (while still actually being alone as we read this post on our phones).

Usually only for female introverts: Beauty Salons 

Or as we used to call ‘em, beauty parlours. You know, the place we go to get hair removed from various parts of our bodies as dictated by society (why aren’t unibrows cool yet?), not to mention get our hair trimmed, cut and coloured, our nails manicured and polished, our faces.. um.. treated.. whatever. I’m no beauty expert. In fact, I probably go to these places a lot less than most women I know. Why? Not because I don’t like looking pretty (according to current social norms of pretty). Not even because I’m a sissy who can’t handle the pain of having hair extracted from my forehead. I grit my teeth and offer it up, while pondering whether suffering for the sake of beauty can simultaneously have any spiritual value, and concluding that ‘nothing offered to God is wasted’.

No, my real problem is that every trip to the local beauty salon is a scary adventure fraught with socially awkward situations, kind of like crossing a minefield and trying very hard not to blow up. Extroverts probably think I’m crazy. “Yay! People I might know and can chat too!” Introverts instead think, “Aaargh! People I may know! People who may know me! Not very well! People who know my mum. People who don’t like me! Or my mum! Any and all of these combinations of people could be there when I walk in, or walk in as I sit there defenseless. Small talk! To talk or not to talk? Did that person just not notice me or are they ignoring me? Or do they think am I ignoring them?”

I kid you not, I once went to a beauty salon, saw someone who I thought I knew and had not parted on good terms with. However, I wasn’t totally sure it was her. She looked different. Perhaps a different haircut? Or was it a totally different person? Since we didn’t part well, if it WAS her, I needed to say hello so as to make peace. If it wasn’t her, er... that could be awkward. The awkwardness was compounded by the fact that she was totally ignoring me. But I couldn’t just let it go. I had to do something.

So this is what I did. I said “Hello” in her direction in a not very loud voice. My rationale was that if it WAS her, she would be aware of my presence, would hear me and look up. Common courtesy would compel her to respond to my greeting, and even if she still bore me ill will, well, at least we had said hello. If she was a stranger, she would think she misheard or that I was talking to someone else, and she would just continue staring ahead at the mirror.

She didn’t respond. Okay, maybe she was a stranger? Or maybe she just hadn’t heard me because I wasn’t loud enough? Or maybe she hated my guts so much that she was ignoring my small attempt at reconciliation? AAARGHHHH! So much tension and anxiety! I still don’t know to this day if it was her or not.

This is what I think would be a great idea. Beauty salons with individual cubicles. Why is this not a thing yet? C’mon, I’m sure I’m not the only one with this problem!

Only for Catholic introverts: Receiving Communion 

You think I’m joking, right? I’m the Catholic who can wax eloquent about the beauty of God becoming bread so that He can satisfy our hunger, of the privilege of receiving Him in the Eucharist, of the very real transforming power I experience after receiving Him in this way. And yet, I am not immune from the very real awkwardness connected with actually physically getting into a line and receiving the Host into my body.

First of all, hand or tongue? Lots of Catholics have lots of strong opinions about this, but the fact of the matter is that the Church allows either as long as Jesus in the Host is received with reverence and faith. So then it comes down to practicality. I used to feel like there was more likelihood of it dropping if I received it on the tongue, so I took it in my hand. But then in recent years I decided that I would try receiving it on my tongue. As long as I made up my mind beforehand, and didn’t debate with myself all the way to the front of the Church. (Yeah, I told you my mind is nuts.)

But even after deciding to receive on my tongue, there are so many factors. Like am I opening my mouth right, sticking my tongue out far enough, at the right angle? Because if I get it wrong, the gross and awkward result is that the priest or extraordinary minister’s hand touches my tongue euggh euggh eughh. And then goes on to continue to distribute to Host to hundreds of others. Euggh.

What about the many times I have to figure out whether the priest of extraordinary minister has forgotten to say, “The Body of Christ”, or whether it is merely his timing that is off? Because there I am waiting to say “Amen”, while the impatient priest is waiting for me to open my mouth and stick my tongue out. It is a very delicately timed operation with too many potential ways to fail. I salute you, distributors of Communion, for bravely facing the awkwardness day after day for the sake of spiritually feeding the followers of Christ.

Apart from the awkwardness of the Communion line, there is also the awkwardness of reacting to liturgical abuse, like when the priest passed the communion bowl around at a chapel Mass while communicants ‘took’ Jesus instead of receiving Him. I just wanted to focus on receiving Jesus, instead my mind was racked with questions like, “If I know this is abuse, should I just pass the bowl without receiving? Or go up to the priest and ask that he gave it to me (in the way the Church requires)? Or just take it as it is HIS abuse, not mine, and no matter what, it is still Jesus?” I know, I know, I should stop over-thinking things I can't control, and not sweat the small stuff, and let things go, etc, but more easily said than done.

I wish I could just be caught up in ecstasy like St. Catherine of Siena when she received Communion, but alas, I’m not there yet.

For all introverts: Shopping 

I’m not talking about big supermarkets where you can wander down aisles picking things off shopping racks and popping them into shopping carts. That’s a dream situation for introverts, second only to online shopping. I’m talking about the average Indian shopping experience that involves plenty of conversation, interaction and relating.

When I was a kid, I had such a horror of shops that I would go to extreme lengths to offer any of my siblings bribes to go to the shop for me. If my love of junk food surpassed my fear of shops, I would reluctantly drag myself there practising all the way what exactly I would say, what the shopkeeper’s possible responses would be, and what my response would be in each situation. This phobia was probably caused by the fact that I didn’t speak Hindi as a child, and most shopkeepers didn’t speak English. Also little kids usually got ignored, and were made to wait the longest. Also, my parents hate shopping so that may have had something to do with it as well.

But as an adult who has mostly learned to get around, there are varying degrees of annoying and stressful shopping situations.

Exhausting: Being overstimulated by all the people, options, colours, noise and making rash decisions or no decisions as a result. Or in one unfortunate case throwing up in the middle of a shopping center because it was all too much. (Shout out to my resourceful sister J who rushed into a shop and asked for a plastic bag just in time.)

Annoying: Shop assistants who hover and keep asking you questions or shoving various items of clothing at you (this is usually a clothing store problem). Usually I walk out very soon after this happens.

Awkward: Male shopkeepers at lingerie shops whom you have to converse with about bra size and panty style eeshk.

Frustrating: Having a limited budget and having to try on shoes after shoes after shoes that are not your style and then feeling so stressed out that you just buy the least ugly of the lot, which are still pretty ugly and then you go home and vow you will never go shopping again.

Upsetting: Having a shopping companion who hates shopping just as much as you, and hangs back at every shop y’all enter so that you have to do the talking, but then gets frustrated with your indecisiveness and starts pushing you to make a decision which leads you back to the previous situation.

Stressful: Having to shop on behalf of someone else, try to figure out what exactly they meant when they described a particular style, and hope against hope that if you make another stress-induced extravagant purchase they won’t be mad at you, and hopefully can exchange it and never ask you for such a favour again.

This, friends, is why I thanked God when online shopping came to India about six years ago. But don’t get me started on communicating with online shopping delivery men.

So yes, being a Socially Anxious Introvert is a thing. If you identified with any of these scenarios, you just got yourself a new label! Congratulations!

Other awkwardness and social anxiety related posts:

Social Awkwardness: The Confession Stories 
Awkward Comments in India 
More Awkwardness 
Let's Talk About Awkward Hugs
An Indian Catholic in Catholic America 
Thoughts of an Introvert at a Party 
An INTJ's Guide to Praise and Worship

New Year’s Resolutions for the Motivationally Challenged

You’re trying to avoid it, but you just can’t. Why yes, it is indeed that ‘New year, new me’ time when everyone starts posting inspirational messages about the new year, making resolutions, and setting goals. But not you. You know it’s all a gimmick, just another way to set yourself up for failure. Whose new year’s resolutions last past the first week of the brand new shiny year? Not yours, by George. So why bother? Let’s just post a couple of witty but cynical New Year’s memes and move on. Realistic is your middle name. Any of that sound familiar?

Well I’m here to tell you that’s a load of baloney. Cynicism and negativity don’t look good on Christians. The very concept of new beginnings and second chances is at its heart Christian, the reason Jesus came at all. If we scoff at new beginnings, there is no place in our hearts for salvation. 

Here’s the truth. People CAN change. You can change. I am one of the laziest, least motivated people I know. I could lie on a couch all day every day and do nothing. I am full of faults and weaknesses. (I won’t list them all here, that’s what Confession is for.) I still struggle with many of them. And yet, I too have grown and changed. Change is possible! You can do this!

Here are some tips that might help you.

1. Make a resolution: ‘You’ve got to have a dream, if you don’t have a dream, how you gonna have a dream come true?’ If you aim at something, you may fail. But if you don’t aim at anything, you’ve definitely failed. ‘And you ask “What if I fall?”Oh but my darling, what if you fly?’

2. Small, achievable goals: You can’t change everything overnight. You don’t have to try to do everything that sounds like a good idea. “I’m gonna eat healthy, and start exercising, and go for daily mass, and read the Catechism and all the works of Shakespeare, and be patient and spend less money and help the poor and start volunteering and DO ALL THE THINGS!” Don’t be crazy! Pick one, two or three resolutions, and then break them down to manageable, specific chunks. So rather than saying “I will be a more positive person”, decide to say one encouraging thing to somebody every day whether it is in person, or by text. Instead of deciding to ‘grow in your faith’, decide to read a spiritual book every day before bed for at least 15 minutes. If it’s achievable, it gives you the satisfaction of success which is enough motivation to keep going. It’s okay if it’s so small that it sounds stupid to someone else. You do what you need.

3. Tell someone: The only way I know for sure I am willing to change is when I am willing to humble myself and tell someone the decision I have made. It helps with accountability, and it uses your pride to your advantage (you’re more likely not to take seconds if you’re eating with someone who knows that that is what you have decided). Tell someone to check on you and ask you how you are doing. Or get together with a small group, and share your goals, and decide when you are going to re-meet to share your progress. Just knowing I have to tell someone helps me stay motivated.

4. Remind yourself why it matters: I have a picture of Saint John Paul II on my cupboard in my room. It says, “Are you capable of risking your life for someone? Do it for Christ.” Sometimes when I don’t want to get out of bed, I see it there, and tell myself, “Do it for Christ.” I used to mumble to myself during one challenging Lenten sacrifice, “Remember what you really want.” Ask yourself why it matters, and when you feel like it doesn’t, remind yourself why it did. “Faith is the art of holding on to things your reason has once accepted, in spite of your changing moods,” says C.S. Lewis. Growth and discipline need that kind of faith.

5. Be patient with yourself: “Always forget the past and never worry about your falls, many as they may be. So long as you get back on your feet, no harm will have been done; whereas, a great deal of harm will occur if you lose heart, or if you berate yourself too much for your failures,” says Ven. Francis Libermann. You get a new chance every time you fall. Just don’t stay down. Don’t give up the fight. If you are fighting for holiness until your last breath you may be assured of heaven, even if you failed that very morning. If God is patient with you, you can afford to be patient with yourself.

6. Be around the right people: Choose to spend your time with people who will help you become the man or woman God has called you to be. If your friend circle or social circle are the ones doing all the stuff you are trying to avoid, or mocking your efforts to grow or change, perhaps you need new friends. '

If you’re still a little nervous about this, here are some ideas for small achievable goals. Don’t forget- don’t pick more than three!

1. Go to sleep on time. Set an alarm for 30 minutes before you want to go to bed, and put away anything that tempts you to stay awake longer- cell phone, books, laptop.

2. Switch off your phone data for a specified amount of time each day (perhaps 10 pm to 8 am).

3. End your day by writing your goals and to do list for the next day, with tasks written in order of importance.

4. Delete time-wasting apps from your phone. Instead, choose one book to read every night before bed. Make a list of books to go through, and make sure they are easily available to you- put them on your bedside table, or on your kindle. (I have plenty of recommendations- Something Other Than God, Searching for and Maintaining Peace, He Leadeth Me, Time for God, Sober Intoxication of the Spirit, the Prayer section of the Catechism, Fill These Hearts.)

5. Every time you catch yourself criticizing someone, or complaining, force yourself to say three good things about the person or situation.

6. Start a prayer journal and write three things you want to thank God for every day.

7. Memorize one bible verse every day. Send it to a friend, or illustrate it it or write it on a white board so you can see it all day.

8. Visit an Adoration chapel for 15 minutes every day before or after work.

9. Go for weekday Mass every day or twice or thrice a week (on pre-assigned days, and tell someone you’re going. It’s too easy to change your mind last minute if you don’t.)

10. Draw a picture every day. Or write every day.

11. Do some Zumba every day.

12. Go for a walk with a friend three times a week.

13. Plan to meet up with or visit one person every week- a friend, family member, or someone who needs a friend.

14. Add Confession to your monthly calendar.

15. Do an Examen at the end of each day.

You have your life ahead of you. It is full of possibilities, full of potential! You CAN become the person God has called you to be! Let us begin.

Finding Myself in Each Downton Character

For the Downton fans. Everyone else, move on.

I've been re-watching Downton Abbey, and going through all the emotional upheaval all over again (though I cheat and fast-forward through the unpleasant bits). But while feeling all the feels (why did you die, Matthew?), my INTJ brain was identifying with several of the characters, and not always in the most flattering light.

Am I Lady Mary with her cool, calm, emotionless manner, a T (of Myers-Briggs) with all a T's faults and strengths- logical, the opposite of a drama queen, keeps her head in every circumstance, and capable of expressing her thoughts forcefully and confidently. She seems to be unable to resist nasty digs at her sister's neediness and weakness, flowing no doubt from the biggest flaw of an extreme INTJ- a lack of empathy. But she has a streak of softness brought out by love, and a battle between her softer and harder sides.


Or am I the Dowager, a very similar character to Lady Mary with her biting wit, her sarcastic tongue, her skepticism, and her boundless confidence? No slip will go unnoticed or unremarked when the Dowager is around. There seems to be nothing that would shake her, no social situation she is not in command of. And she will ALWAYS have the last word!


Or am I Lord Grantham, with his authoritarianism, his love of the way things are, and his dislike of change? He likes to get his own way, always thinks he knows best, and is rather high handed about making decisions for others. He gets annoyed when people challenge him, and doesn't give in very gracefully. Not that much of a team player.


Or how about Mrs Crawley with her high-minded idealism, wanting to not only save the world, but be personally involved with every aspect of saving it? She has a knack of trying to making people feel guilty, not hesitating to point out injustice, and people's complicity in it, regardless of tact or diplomacy. But she truly has a good heart, and would never shirk an unpleasant duty if she believed it to be right. And if ever anyone was in need, everyone knew she could be relied on to help, and to fight for the underdog.

I'll tell you who I'm not- Lady Sybil with her sunny, sweet, kind nature, unruffled by other people's nastiness. Or Lady Grantham also with a sympathetic and warm manner, quick with a friendly word and a charming smile to bridge awkward silences, a little gullible in her sympathy for Thomas and O'Brien. I don't think I'm like Thomas, who is just needlessly nasty all the time, and loves plotting and weaving webs of deception.


I will say I'm occasionally like Miss O'Brien, when I feel sour and bad-tempered and want to pour cold water over everyone else's enthusiasm. But hopefully I control myself a little better. Most of the time. I don't feel at all like Edith, who just seemed bitter and resentful most of the time, because she hasn't received the love and affirmation that she craves. I'm not like Bates, he's far more of a brooder than I am, and seems to have an anger problem, even though he is a man of integrity.

But who would I really like to be like?


I wish I could be a little more like Matthew- he's just kind, down to earth and wholly himself. He believed in Mary, and loved her into the best version of herself. He wasn't overly dramatic in his love, but just HAPPY and unashamed to be so. He was balanced, good-tempered, and while he wanted to do what was right and just and helpful (like asking Tom to be his best man, and encouraging Edith to write for the papers), he did it with a much lighter touch than his mother.


I wish I could be a little more like Anna, who is truly kind, dependably so. She had a genuine good-will to all, and was willing to get involved to be kind. She never seems to be moody and rarely has an uncharitable word for anyone. I would consider my life well- lived if that could be said for me at the end of my life. She went through so much suffering, but it sweetened and deepened her goodness, instead of turning her bitter.

But you may be surprised who I think the real hero of the show is- Mrs Hughes!


To me, she embodies one of the most central maxims of the Christian faith- mercy triumphs over judgment. She has a strong sense of right and wrong, but that never makes her judgmental or unmerciful. On the contrary, she has such a strong sense of mercy that she innumerable times gives second chances to those who have done nothing to deserve it. She always offers a way out, a way to move forward. Unlike Carson, she won't rub it in when someone messes up, nor will she dole out quick condemnation or a word of blame. What a gift! If only more of us were like that! Compassion does not require that we betray or water down the truth. But love for truth does not require that we be harsh, cold or rigid when it comes to people. The sooner Christians learn that lesson, the sooner the world will be transformed.

Also read: The Downton Abbey Episode That Made Me Bawl My Eyes Out