Wednesday, 23 May 2018

The INTJ’s Guide to Not Being a Party Pooper

1. When people get really excited about completely impractical and unrealistic ideas 

a. Do NOT say, “That is a completely impractical and unrealistic idea.”
b. DO summon up a little excitement and interest and find something at least not negative to say.
c. Although it may be too much to expect you to say, “What a great idea!” sincerely, at least do NOT say “What a great idea!” in a sarcastic tone.
d. Instead try, “That’s very interesting! What made you think of it?”
e. Or “Yeah, that could work! Maybe if you just (add something to make it slightly more practical).” f. At worst, just think of follow-up questions so you don’t have to provide an actual opinion.

2. When people throw you a surprise party 
a. Rearrange your facial expression from horrified to mildly excited.
b. Do NOT say “I totally knew about it. There were clues EVERYWHERE! I’m too smart to be lied to.”
c. Instead say, “Wow! You guys!”and imply the line “I had NO idea!” without actually saying it, to save your integrity.
d. Don’t hide in the bathroom for more than ten minutes.

3. When people stay too late at a party you are hosting 

a. Do not disappear and hope everyone will just leave.
b. Do not get grumpier and grumpier and quieter and quieter.
c. Instead, at 9 pm, stand at the door and cheerfully say, “Well, THANK YOU guys for coming!” (It'll take them a few years to catch on to this trick.)
d. If they don’t get the hint, ask people how they’re planning on getting home, and arrange rides for them. e. If they absolutely refuse to leave, you have permission to disappear until they do.

4. When someone comes up with a spontaneous plan 

a. Do not list all obvious flaws in the plan (it’s too hot, there’s no way you’ll get back in time, you haven't factored in naps, etc)
b. Do not convince everyone else they shouldn’t go.
c. Instead smile and say, “You guys have fun! Thanks for inviting me though!”
d. If they get annoyed, just be self-deprecating- “Aw, you know me – boring and old!”
e. Do NOT be annoyed with them when they actually go and all the predicted problems occur. Swallow that 'I told you so.'
f. Remind them to invite you four days in advance next time they have a ‘spontaneous’plan, and allow you to help with the planning.

5. When at a party 

a. Do NOT verbally critique the social dynamics, the lighting, the food, the music and the clothes to your neighbors.
b. Instead use your mastermind powers for good – organize games, initiate conversations or introduce people to defuse awkward social situations.
c. Once everyone is having fun, go hide somewhere and check Facebook or take a nap without guilt. 

6. When in a conversation 

a. Do NOT use your phone to fact-check more than once.
b. Practise saying, “I guess there’s more than one way to look at it.”
c. Remind yourself that conversation is for getting to know people, not making a point.
d. Remember the last time you had a conversation with another INTJ – how annoying it can be to be with someone who HAS to be right all the time.
e. Listen to understand, not to reply. Do NOT dominate the conversation. Even if you have the perfect factoid, perspective or anecdote, hold it in. (Blog about it later.)

7. When someone comes in for a hug 

a. Do NOT run in the opposite direction.
b. Do NOT awkwardly high five instead.
c. DO allow yourself to be hugged.
d. Soak in the human connection for a few seconds, then smoothly disengage.
e. Pretend it was not awkward that you didn't hug back.

8. To prepare for the day 

a. Go to bed on time the night before. Stop reading comment sections, articles and blogs. Stop feeding your brain and get some sleep.
b. In the morning, repeat the INTJ bible verse: And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge... but do not have love, I am nothing.1 Corinthians 13: 2
c. Repeat “I do NOT have to be God today. God is God, and I am not. I do NOT have to save the world all by myself.”
d. Repeat “There is a fine line between confidence and arrogance, and I know I sometimes cross it. Keep me humble today, God.”
e. Practise getting rid of your generic resting face 'How could anyone be that stupid?' facial expression. Lift those lips, unroll those eyes, and un-scrunch those eyebrows.

9. During the day 

a. Sing at least one song aloud. Bonus points if you join somebody else who is singing aloud.
b. Stop and smell the roses. Or look at the sky. Or go for a walk. Just stop staring at that screen!
c. Every time one critical comment escapes your lips, add two affirming or positive comments about the same person/incident/topic.
d. Walk into a room and say something fun and positive – “What a gorgeous day! How’s everyone doing?” People may be a little shocked at the beginning, but they’ll get used to it.
e. When people ask you how things are going, discard all low-key complaints or hopeless analyses, and think of one exciting or good thing that is happening in your life or the world.

You can do this, INTJs! Go be awesome! And kind! And joyful!

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