Blog Post Categories

I've realized I have written a LOT over the last six years. Some blog posts deserve to be retrieved and re-shared, and some don't. Click on each category title to see all the articles with that tag. I've selected a few articles to give you a taste, but there are a lot more under each category. If you like my blog, please like, share and comment on the posts that strike a chord. And also consider becoming a patron!

-----Being Single----

9QT: 9 Things Christian Singles Are Secretly Afraid Of

1. That if we are too 'content to be single', God might take us at our word, and decide to leave us that way. Someone actually said that to me once when I said "I'm pretty happy being single.""Noooo!"she shouted, "Don't say that! God will never send you anyone!" We KNOW that's not how God works, but it's a little superstitious fear. Or maybe we think if there are not enough eligible guys going around, then God will choose the girls who are more needy. And since I'm independent and strong, I CAN survive, so I don't get picked. 

The Questions You Always Had about Christian Women’s Households

Many people in India are shocked to hear that I do not live with my parents even though we live in the same city. I live in a flat with three other women (at the moment, it changes), down the road from the school at which my team serves. There are usually amazed questions that we have all faced from people who think only college students would choose a life like that, and can’t imagine what our life looks like. So here you go, some common questions (plus some we made up) and our honest answers.

Dr. Beth on the Chronic Singleness Disorder

Dr. Beth, 8 (pad and pen in hand): Can you tell me your name and the sickness that you have?

Me: My name is Humility and I suffer from chronic singleness. What can you do for me, Dr. Beth?

Dr. Beth: Well.. I need to ask you. When you watch shows about couples, do you feel sad for yourself, or good for the other person?

Me: I feel good for them, but I also feel bad for myself

Life Begins when You Meet the Man of Your Dreams

Just kidding! Of course it doesn't! (Sorry, this is not a relationship or engagement announcement.)

REAL life begins when you die.

So I was just thinking about how my early life plans were to marry early and have a bunch of kids (just to be counter-cultural, plus it sounded romantic). If I had to think about my life at almost 28 when I was 14, I would have been horrified to think that I was still single with no prospects of marriage in sight. Pretty much all my dreams of a future involved a Special Someone.

A 27 Year Old Atypical Indian Girl's Thoughts on Marriage (The Post You Were Waiting For) 

In urban India, 27 is pretty much your last chance for people to consider you marriageable (at least if you're a girl.) After that, you've moved to the Desperate and I Wonder What's Wrong With Her shelf. Also, in India, marriage is not considered an option, or a good thing that happens if it happens. In fact, 'if it happens', is just not an acceptable phrase. One MAKES it happen. You're of marriageable age? Then get married, beta! Of course I come from the Great Land of Arranged Marriages, or Glorified Set-Ups, whichever degree of control or involvement your family exerts.

How (and Why) Not To Fall in Love

On my FB newsfeed (aka my reading list) appeared a New York Times article called 'To Fall in Love with Anyone, Do This'. It is about a study basically saying that you can make men and women fall in love by using a set method. In the study, 'a heterosexual man and woman enter the lab through separate doors. They sit face to face and answer a series of increasingly personal questions. Then they stare silently into each other’s eyes for four minutes.' And apparently that's enough to fall in love.

Where's MY Person?

A couple of months ago I was going through one of those self-pity days, where it seems as if being single was the single most unfair fact of any person's existence (never mind terminal illnesses, deaths of loved ones, mental illness, or financial struggles).

I started complaining to the Lord, which is what I do, when I'm in a bad mood. "I have to do so much of travelling, up and down, dragging my heavy bags along, ALL ALONE. Couples are always looking out for each other. One can watch the bags while the other one goes to the loo. I have to drag all my bags into the stall with me."

----- Romance and Relationships -----

A Real-Life Catholic Love Story 

Genevieve and Thomas came from very different worlds. Growing up in DC in a divorced Catholic family, Genevieve had spent most of her teenage and young adult years constantly in a relationship and living the party lifestyle. The strict judgmental God she knew had no place in her life except for Sunday mornings. “Maybe one day in my thirties or forties I will prioritize my faith. But I’m young now!”

Meanwhile Thomas, a young seminarian from Kansas, was struggling with his desire for marriage and family. He had always had this desire, but he also had a deeply wounded perspective of God as a demanding God who wanted him to sacrifice everything he desired in order to win His love. 

What Not To Look For in an Indian Spouse 

I recently achieved the heights of my ambition a few months ago when someone texted me to ask if I could ‘look for someone for his brother’. I don’t know what I did to deserve this honour. I was under the impression that you had to be a middle-aged auntie with an opinion about everything to have that kind of know-how. Then again I’m practically 32 and I definitely have an opinion about everything, so I suppose it makes sense. Not to mention, I’m kind of a church lady. 

On Vocations, Discernment and Asking Girls on Dates

I came across a couple of interesting articles: Two Hard-Won Tips For Your Discernment. The whole discernment anxiety thing is largely a Catholic problem- what is God calling me to? Priesthood or Married Life? Consecrated Single Life or Religious Life? Diocesan Priesthood or Religious Priesthood? Religious Life or Married Life? Pick one! Quick!

Hand-Holding and Other Such Indecent Behaviour

I remember as a little kid companiably holding my cousin's hand as we walked home from Sunday School. Through most of my childhood, my parents would go on walks with one or more of their kids, and we often held hands as we walked. We're not a super physically affectionate kind of family, but that was one form of affection that was normal to us.

-----Introvert Life----- 

How an Introvert Socializes

First of all, introverts don’t hate people. We just need to plan when, where, how, and for how long we want to be with them. So, here’s a list of what works and what doesn't for this particular introvert.

The Strange Effect Weddings Have on Me


Since last July I have been in the Age of Weddings. One of my closest friends married my cousin, another friend married another cousin, and then another cousin got hitched, and an uncle and now a brother... You get the idea. I used to think weddings were super fascinating, with all their details- bridesmaids' dresses and choice of hymns, first dance, colour schemes, bridal entourage photo shoots, etc. Partly coloured by watching too many Hollywood rom-coms at a young age, no doubt (Runaway Bride, 27 Dresses, The Wedding Planner... for all the broken marriages, looks like Hollywood is still pretty obsessed with weddings). 


Thoughts of an Introvert at a Party

Pre-party: 
"A party that starts at 8.30 pm? That's almost bedtime! Why would any party START at 8.30?"
"I'm so tired. So tired. Sooo tiiired."
"Didn't I just read an article about introverts that said introverts can survive on two to three social occasions per week.. I've been in four social situations JUST TODAY!"


An INTJ's Guide to Praise and Worship

As an INTJ who grew up in the Charismatic Renewal, I have faced and battled with many of the natural clashes of this personality with a very demonstrative and uninhibited style of prayer. My theory is that 'T' (thinking) type personalities gravitate more towards more structured, less demonstrative and intellectual forms of prayer like Adoration, the Rosary, Lectio Divina (reflect and share about bible passages.. yes, please!), etc, and 'F' (feeling) type personalities gravitate towards more ‘touchy-feely’ forms of prayer.

-----The Funnies-----

A Horrific Evening of Nightmares Come True

Shudder.

Are you sure you are ready for this?

I’m not sure I am. Perhaps it is too soon.

A Tale of a Mouse in da House

There comes a time in every woman's existence where she looks deep into herself, searches her soul and asks:

'Which is worse- a live mouse or a dead mouse?'

How to Lose a Guy in 10 Minutes: The Christian Version

I love to tell people what is wrong with them, how to live their lives and how to achieve true happiness. In other words, be bossy, condescending and overall annoying. People say guys can’t listen to a problem without immediately jumping in and giving advice.

Childhood Memories that Turn out to be Hilarious

When we were kids, our family used to go up to close by hill station every summer for a couple of weeks. We would pack our bags, be up super early, stumble around, and gagging, force the bitter Avomine pill down our throats. All five kids would go down to the car, half asleep… and then we would wait for about 20 minutes while my dad set up our security system.

-----God Stuff----

The Tale of the Free Wedding Dress

“Let’s go wedding dress shopping!” A normal statement for a maid of honour to make to a bride-to-be. But this wasn’t a normal situation. Kristi* and Annie* were Americans, working as full-time Catholic volunteers in Taiwan and India, respectively, and the conversation was happening in the Philippines. And the bride wanted a free wedding dress.

13 Ways Parents Can Help Their Kids Choose Christ

Most of us who had religious parents have semi-funny and semi-frustrated stories of how our parents made us do religious stuff against our will when we were kids. Remember when we HAD to say the rosary every time we travelled on family holidays, only all the kids had strong motion sickness medicine so everyone would start slurring and fall asleep between the Hail Mary and Holy Mary EVERY TIME? 

Broken Phones and Unknown Futures

A couple of days ago I broke my phone. Again. It just slipped out of my hand… Okay, let’s be honest, I was juggling too many things, didn’t want to bother putting them down, and trying to open a door that was stuck, so of course I dropped it. I’ve dropped it several times over the past two years that I’ve owned it, but the case always seemed to protect it. Not this time. This time the screen turned to white. The phrase that flashed across my mind was one I had seen the last time I googled broken iPhones. It’s an ominous phrase….

The White Screen of Death. (shudder)

Jesus Knows My Love Language

I went for Confession two weeks ago, and my penance was unexpected. "Ask God to let you experience His love more. Maybe you are turning to some of your sins, because you don't fully believe God's love can satisfy."

Where was God when the Earthquake hit Nepal?

Inevitably when it comes to death and suffering or anything out of our control, our thoughts also turn to God. And we wrestle with some difficult questions.

"Why did God allow this? Was he not ABLE to stop it? Was he not MERCIFUL enough to prevent such suffering if He could? Or did He not KNOW?"

-----Family-----

A Glimpse into the World of Siblings

People who don't have siblings might assume that siblings fight over toys or possessions. But the reality is much stranger. These are some of the things my siblings and I fought over:

• Who got the chipped plate- the Chipped Plate was the Plate of Shame. No one wanted to land up with the Chipped Plate. So the sibling whose job it was to lay the table, would carefully place it at the seat of the sibling they were most mad at.

Small Family = Happy Family... Really?

Or the root of all India’s problems is TOO MANY CHILDREN. Or the population. Overpopulation, population control, population problems, we never heard the end of it. To the point that, any family that had more than two kids is considered unpatriotic, anti-progress, and probably kinda uneducated.

Why Have Kids?

The other day my sister said to me, "I can't think of a good reason to tell people they should have children. I mean, I think they should, but rationally, why?" I thought about it. From a secular perspective, saying 'God said go forth and multiply' didn't sound very convincing. Besides again, why DID He?Biologically, to carry on the human race, but hey, there are plenty of people who exist already, so doesn't look like the human race is going to die out any time soon. Carrying on the family name? Maybe that's important to some people... like European royalty, maybe?

-----Catholicness-----

How Not To React to the Sex Abuse Scandal in the Church

If you follow American Catholic media at all, and even if you don’t, you’ve probably heard some shocking news in the past few weeks – specifically revelations in a Pennsylvania grand jury report about decades of abuse and cover-up by predator priests and church official as well as credible sex abuse allegations against now-ex-Cardinal Theodore McCarrick. Euggh. How do we even react to this news?

Rad-Trads, Liberals, and Finding Balance in the Catholic Church

I once wrote a tongue-in-cheek blog post about Catholic Camps, people who identify themselves as liberals or traditionalists. My views haven't changed, but once again I've been thinking more about this topic. It seems like most Catholics fall into one or other extreme, and lose track of the holy balance God is calling us to. Why does it worry me? Because both sides can lead others astray, and both have loud voices and influence on the faith of simple uncatechized Catholics, and people joining the Church, who don't know what to think. And it seems like leaders of both extremes are leading their flocks astray.

When I Get Tired of Being Catholic

Sometimes (especially when I am sleep-deprived and am feeling swamped by negativity), I get so tired of the Catholic Church. Okay, that's not totally true. I get tired of the local branch of the Catholic Church- my parish, and everything involved with it.

Are We The Church?

One of the homilies Catholics hear a lot is the 'We are the Church' homily. It goes something like this- 'Look at the letters CH_ _CH. What is missing? U R! The Church is nothing without the people! The Church is not just the priests and the sisters! You are the Church!' Every time I hear that I have mixed feelings, because we ARE the Church, but... the Church is not us.

----Indian-ness----

Why 'Not Very Indian'?

Where do I even start with this one? First of all, I really am Indian. I promise. I may have some Portuguese and French-Lebanese blood (don't ask), but I'm still mostly Indian. (Definitely not pure-blood though.) However, my excuse for the following is of course the fact that India was a British colony for about three hundred years. Somewhere in my ancestry, my family became more British than Indian, and my very strange family culture is the result.

Fluency in English is the White Privilege of India

English privilege. We grew up with it. With a much-coveted Convent education, jokes mocking those who spoke ‘broken’ English were too common. ‘On the light’ Ha ha! That’s ‘PUT on the light, or SWITCH on the light!’ ‘I’ll tell to Miss that you are teasing me!” “That’s ‘I’ll TELL Miss’, not ‘tell TO’! Gosh!” But practically everyone in school spoke ‘broken’ English at the beginning, because it was their second language. They came as little four year olds from homes where Marathi or Hindi was spoken, and were whipped (not literally) into English fluency through twelve years at an English medium school.

A Catholic Perspective on Arranged Marriages 

The concept of arranged marriages is as fascinating and repulsive to the Western world, as it is natural and normal to most of India. Most of my friends’ parents had arranged marriages, most likely all of their ancestors before them. Some of my schoolmates, and many of the students I’ve given talks to have shared that arranged marriages are a normal part of their family culture, and expected of them as well. Surprisingly, many Catholics from more traditionally Indian cultures have also retained this custom.

Save Us from Social Embarrassment

I once heard a priest make an ad-lib prayer at the end of Mass, and I just remember the phrase, “Save your people from social embarrassment”. “What the heck is that supposed to mean?” was my immediate holy thought. 

The Great Indian Road Race

Like most young (I use the term loosely) middle class adults in big Indian cities, I spend a lot of time zooming around the streets on my two-wheeler (aka moped by non-Indians). I have often found myself thinking how well Indian roads would lend themselves to an excellent video game.

Should Conversions Be Illegal?

All of us in India know that ‘conversions’ are a very controversial and sensitive issue. Maybe because religion is a very integral part of how most Indians identify themselves, a change of religion can cause a lot of emotional reactions. The religion you are born into is almost seen as your identity, quite apart from your personal beliefs.

----Anxiety----

My Experiences with Anxiety and Peace

A couple of days ago, I had a vivid dream. In it, I was hurtling forward in a plane that was trying to land, but couldn't find a place to stop, towards... wait for it... the end of the world.

Yes. Subtle, my dreams are not.

The Antidotes to Anxiety

A small problem – someone mad at me about something, a plan that goes awry, an unpleasant task that I’m avoiding, news about Trump, or hearing about reasonable people who are suspicious of Pope Francis – suddenly begins to feel like a huge problem, a symptom of a larger disease, a doomsday scenario, with everything crashing and burning and pointing to the truth that there is no hope and things are never going to change.

-----Negativity----

The Poison We All Breathe

I live in a big Indian city, surrounded by pollution-saturated air. We breathe it in as a matter of course, and consider it normal life to regularly get sick, to have skin break outs and  grimy hair after being out in the traffic for a while, to have breathing problems, especially in the winter. But a couple times a year, my family heads to the hills, and suddenly everything feels different. Our bodies start feeling healthy and energetic again, we breathe deeply of the fresh, clean, pure, cool air, and our sleep is sounder, deeper and more refreshing.

When You Are in a Dark Place and Can’t Get Out

I’m so confused. I’m so annoyed with myself. Everything seems hazy. I feel like there’s something wrong with me, and I don’t know what it is. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing. I feel like I wasted the whole day, and yet I don’t know what I should have been doing… 

...I feel lost and empty. I’ve been trying to fill myself with food... I feel so unhappy. And I don’t know what to do with this feeling. I feel like there’s nothing I can do to change this feeling.

-----Learning To Love-----

How To Love Well - Some Practical Tips

One thing that the world in general seems to agree about is that love is important. Love your kids, love your family, love your spouse, love your neighbour, love the poor, love your enemies, (okay, perhaps that one isn’t as popular). But what we often don’t seem to know is HOW to love, and how to help someone FEEL loved.

What's In a Hug?

But here's the thing. We NEED hugs. I need hugs.

Well, we need whatever a hug really is. What is a hug? What's happens when one person envelops another in their arms?

Avoiding Eye Contact and Other Ways to Kill Your Soul

Are you a good person? Yeah, me too. I’m basically a good person. Aren’t we all? Most people think of themselves as good, as their particular sins as somewhat excusable and insignificant, and everyone else’s as shocking and reprehensible.  But in my walk with Christ, I have learned a life-changing truth. And that is, that each of us is capable of becoming either a monster or a saint by the little choices we make each day.

How To Love Well - Some Practical Tips

One thing that the world in general seems to agree about is that love is important. Love your kids, love your family, love your spouse, love your neighbour, love the poor, love your enemies, (okay, perhaps that one isn’t as popular). But what we often don’t seem to know is HOW to love, and how to help someone FEEL loved.

Christians have some wonderful words about love – ‘Love is willing the good of the other’. ‘Love is patient, love is kind…’ Good stuff.

But often people say they love others, but their love takes the form of protection, coddling, correction, advice, service, provision, etc. Most Indian parents may not say the words ‘I love you’ to their kids, but we can see through their sacrifice and acts of service that they do indeed love us. Our siblings tease us, and we know they love us. Teachers can be considered very strict and demanding and still their students know that they loved them because they pushed them to be better.

Yet there is something missing in many of these expressions of love. There is a higher way, a way even more needed, and far more revealing of the love of God. It is this - ‘To love someone is to show them their beauty, their worth and their importance.’ Jean Vanier*

Let me share with you about my friend’s mom, M. I met her a few years after being friends with her daughter. She’s American and came down to India for her daughter’s wedding. She and her family stayed with us. From the first moment she met me, she looked at me with approval and delight. She always had something kind to say to me and about me. Did she know that I was very far from perfect, that I had hurt her daughter with some of my weaknesses and sins? Probably. That didn’t stop her from choosing to see the goodness within me. And through her words, I felt myself becoming more of the woman that she saw.

I began to notice that she did it for everyone (apparently I wasn’t the only most awesome person she knew!) And everyone I knew blossomed under her loving, affirming gaze. She was very intentional about speaking those words of affirmation at every opportunity, saying them with sincerity and often writing little notes to people. I’ve met a few other people like that. They just look at me with love, acceptance and delight every time we meet.

Everyone needs someone like that in their lives. Maybe it’s too much to expect that everyone can be like that, but if we have a few people who believe in us, see the good and encourage us to be that person, we are richly blessed. I know I have several - my friends R and T in particular who I've lived and served with, and I know believe in me and see me as more than my weaknesses. But it’s easier to see when others (especially family) are NOT doing it for us.

To turn it around - What about me? Do I love like that? I thought about it – how often did I love unconditionally and help people feel important and loved? I feel like I and most people do the opposite. We meet new people, and then we wait and watch for them to prove to us whether they are worthy of being accepted and loved. Occasionally the other person says or does something we approve, and then we choose to let them bask in the sunshine of our approval. But often both new people look at each other with wariness, and no one makes that move of love, and the opportunity may pass, or suspicion may grow.

What about in our families? Too often we cannot stop looking at each other as projects, people we need to fix, or critique, or evaluate. And what we evaluate is whether this family member is making good decisions, reacting the right way, living up to our expectations, or relating to US in the way we want them to. If they mess up, we withdraw our love or affection.

But here’s how Christ loves- We love because HE loved us FIRST. 

And we are called to the same. Our love should not be dependent on others’ behaviour. Our love shouldn’t wait, or be rationed out in small doses. There is something good in the worst of us. Love draws forth that goodness. We are set free to become the men and women we were called to be when SOMEONE sees that man or woman within us.

The reverse is true too. When we label, criticize, or negatively evaluate people, we are often trapping them in that place because we are telling them that is all that they are. We say we’re being honest or blunt or real, but we are saying that from an incomplete perspective – because they are more than their negative behaviour or habits or quirks.

We are not the sum of our weaknesses and failures; we are the sum of the Father's love for us and our real capacity to become the image of his Son. Pope John Paul II

So how can we do this? How can we change the habits of years, the negative, critical gaze into one of delight? How can we show our children, spouses, friends, students, siblings and parents their beauty, their worth and their importance? 

1. Words of affirmation: Look for opportunities each day to say something completely unnecessary but very affirming (and sincere) to those who you live with and work with – It could be about their physical appearance, their efforts, their good qualities, or their normal duties. 'You look radiant today!' 'I love the new haircut!' 'That’s a very stylish combination!' 'You did such a great job with the cleaning – very thorough!'  'You always take such good care of the kids!' 'I notice you woke up early today – good job!' 'You are just so beautiful/handsome – I love to look at you!' Look for something!

2. Physical touch: Go give them an unexpected hug, a ruffle of the hair, a rub on the back.

3. Waste time with them: Listen well when they talk about something you may not find that fascinating. (It may mean putting down your book or phone for a few minutes.) Tickle them and rough house with them, or have an impromptu dance party. My mum would take an interest in football just because my brothers were watching, and it showed her interest in THEM.

4. Listen to and affirm their ideas and thoughts: 'That’s a very unique perspective – I love it!' 'That’s a wonderful plan, let me know if I can help. I’ll be praying for that.'

5. Affirm quirks: Quirks are not sins, but too often we make it a reason to mock people. Or we allow them to see we find their quirks annoying. Through the eyes of love, quirks are endearing signs of the uniqueness of each person. ‘It’s so cute how you always tap your leg before you start a prayer.’ ‘I love how you laugh, it’s so crazy and fun!’

Do NOT 

1. Use negative labels, even in your mind: We’re so used to slapping an adjective on people and then seeing them as nothing but that adjective. You’re careless, lazy, uptight, inconsiderate, indisciplined, greedy, rude, a chatterbox, awkward, annoying, reckless, selfish. (ESPECIALLY family members) Ask God for the grace to see them as more than that, to see them the way He sees them. If we see them differently, we will treat them differently… and that’s the key to helping them feel loved.

2. Constantly instruct, improve or criticize: That just reeks of ‘you are a project and I will fix you!’ Especially avoid negative comments about their body, abilities or state in life. Don't take every comment as an opportunity to give a lecture or advice, or air your grievances or complaints.

3. Only talk to them when you need something from them: When people feel like they are a means to an end, they cannot feel like an object of delight.

4. Compare them with anyone else: They are unique, and they don’t need to be you, or anyone else.

5. See them through the lens of the past: People change, allow them to do so!

When the people in our life feel that we are on their side, that we approve of them, that we think they are pretty darn awesome (even though we are aware of their weaknesses), then they are free to be who they are and become who they are called to be. They are free to KNOW the love of God and BELIEVE in the love that He has for them. They are set free from the lie that we have to do something to win God’s love or that He’s constantly disappointed in us. They are free to believe that His call to repentance is BECAUSE He loves them, and that He is with them against their sin. It is in the context of unconditional and accepting love that they are able to admit and work on their own weaknesses and sins.**

To paraphrase Jennifer Fulwiler in a recent post, they will be free to “go dream big dreams and do great things...but… with the confident, unwavering knowledge that (they) are loved and valued and cherished no matter how much (they) succeed or fail.”

 *This quote and graphic are from the Abiding Together podcast- give it a listen. 

**None of this means that we should not do loving confrontations and corrections when necessary. But even those will go very differently if they are done in the context of this kind of relationship.

Related Reading 

A Ten-Year-Old Teaches Her Auntie To Pray 

To Be Someone's Darling

When You Are in a Dark Place and Can’t Get Out

I’ve written a lot about negativity, anxiety and hopelessness. But I feel like it’s time to talk about it some more because I keep meeting or hearing from people who are struggling with this. Naturally upbeat and positive people don’t get it. “Just focus on the positive! If you just try hard enough, you won’t feel this way!” But if you’ve been there you know it’s easier said than done.

I found this entry in my journal from many years ago when I was living in the Philippines-

I’m so confused. I’m so annoyed with myself. Everything seems hazy. I feel like there’s something wrong with me, and I don’t know what it is. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing. I feel like I wasted the whole day, and yet I don’t know what I should have been doing… 

...I feel lost and empty. I’ve been trying to fill myself with food... I feel so unhappy. And I don’t know what to do with this feeling. I feel like there’s nothing I can do to change this feeling. Maybe I need to focus on something other than my own feelings… I feel useless, and incapable of being useful. I want to go home, and yet I know that’s not a solution. I’ve been spending too much money in the past week, so buying something will not help. I slept well last night, and napped in the morning, so sleep won’t help. I used the Internet, and I’m still sad. I spent so much time talking to T, so company isn’t the answer. I don’t have an answer. I even prayed, Lord. 

I’m tired of the Philippines. I’m tired of this life. I want to achieve something, do something purposeful. I’m in a blue funk. That’s it. I even wish I could ignore this feeling by watching a movie and getting involved in some fictional character’s lives… 

…I thought I could make a difference. And yet I know it’s very difficult to make a difference out of the context of relationships… I feel like a failure at relationships, and hence a failure at being a full-timer. Sure, I teach well. But what percentage of my life is spent teaching anyway? What’s the use of having gifts if I don’t use them? I just feel like a failure at life. 

Plus, I have a horrible haircut.

I feel like I’m living in my own dream, and it’s just a dream. I wanted to be a full-timer, I wanted to bring Jesus to people, I wanted to make a difference. And most of the time, I feel like I just don’t have what it takes...

Can I watch a movie so I don’t have to think of this anymore? 

…I need to clean my room. A cluttered room is a sign of a cluttered mind. The thing is, I know my mind is cluttered. My room doesn’t have to tell me that. But maybe one affects the other. 

You know what, Sue? This is just a mood. Moods come and go. This too shall pass. 

Oh my gosh, just re-reading that takes me back to the blackness of despair. It’s happened at other times too, but not usually for extended periods of time. But many of us have been there - just lost, disoriented, hopeless. Everything seems meaningless, our own lives feel empty, and nothing seems to work or make sense. No amount of positive thinking seems to help, and people’s breezy suggestions just seem to rub salt in the wound. It’s like being stuck in a dark miry bog that you just can’t pull yourself out of. It’s easy at those moments to give up hope, to have self-harm or suicidal thoughts. 

Where is this coming from? Well, I’m no psychologist, but I've noticed that for many people, it seems to be the effect of wounds or trauma from the past, things that have not been their fault, but have happened to them.

But it’s more than that. It’s a spiritual darkness too. It is the stark feeling of being cut off from God, cut off from love. It is a lie that has become our reality – that we are alone, forgotten, abandoned. I’ve had nightmares like that. It is the best lie the Enemy can come up with because it is the exact opposite of the Truth - that we are known, loved, seen, cared for, surrounded. ‘O Lord, you have searched me and known me... You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me.’

So what do we do in the midst of this despair?

1. Cry out to the God you cannot feel. The Psalms are full of similar cries – honest and pain-filled cries to heaven. Just voicing your pain is an act of faith. 'Save me, O God, for the waters have come up to my neck. I sink in the miry depths, where there is no foothold. I have come into the deep waters; the floods engulf me. I am worn out calling for help; my throat is parched. My eyes fail, looking for my God.' Psalm 69:1-3 Take time to pray even if all you're doing is crying at the Lord. Journal. If possible, seek out an Adoration chapel where you can do it. Take tissues. It's okay to cry.

2. Go to Confession. Many times the big immovable obstacle blocking us from knowing God is our own sin. It piles up, day by day, and makes us more and more vulnerable to the lies of Satan. The worst depths of darkness I have felt were when I was caught in habitual and serious sin. It sucks the life out of you. So go! Run to Confession. Prioritize as you would emergency surgery. If you need help, ask someone to help you make it happen. Even if you’re in a habitual sin that you are not sure you have the strength to stop, still go! God just asks us for sorrow and repentance, and a willingness to try to get it out of your life. Frequent Confession can HELP you stop sinning. You don’t have to have your act perfectly together before going to Confession. Every time I have gone it has been a dark cloud that lifts, a clarity and peace that returns.

3. Forgive or confront the people involved: Sometimes our darkness comes from unresolved conflicts, or bitterness from the wounds inflicted by others. It may also be because of ongoing toxic relationships. Pray about it, and ask God for the grace to forgive them from the heart. But also go and talk to them. If you try and the relationship is not salvageable, maybe you need to remove yourself from a place of continued wounds.

4. Give yourself a break: Sometimes our most painful wounds are self-inflicted – “Why am I this way? Maybe if I was different I wouldn’t be going through this. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just be happy like everyone else? Maybe if I just worked harder or tried harder. Maybe I made a mistake that brought me to this place.” GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK! You are allowed to be imperfect. You don’t have to have it all together. Very few people do. It’s okay to be struggling. It’s okay to have weaknesses. Be at peace with the struggle. If God can be patient with you, you can be patient with yourself.

5. Speak aloud your foundational truth: Ask God to show you the lie you are most prone to believe – I am no good, the world is all hopeless, God doesn’t really love me, I am alone. And then ask Him to show you the Truth that combats the lie. Pick just one bible verse, and every day say it aloud for 15 minutes. Don’t just think it, or remember it. ACTUALLY SAY IT ALOUD. Yes it sounds crazy, and maybe if anyone overhears they’ll think you’re crazy, but do you want something new or not? You can’t always control your thoughts and feelings, but you have control over your speech. So use the parts of you that you can control. The Word of God has power and can bring real healing. Also, choose to stop talking about why everything is hopeless and horrible.

6. Go outdoors: And leave your devices behind. Go for a walk or a run. Sit on a park bench and look at the trees. Sometimes that’s what you need to get out of your head.

7. Notice your triggers: Write down when you are feeling this darkness- what preceded it? What factors contributed? For me, spending too much time on social media or watching movies, or staying up late plus tiredness always made it much worse. But when I’m in the middle of it, it’s hard to remember that it’s not random, but there are common factors.

8. Notice the things that spark joy: Every time you feel a flash of joy or a time of peace, write down what helped. Ask yourself at the end of the day- Where did I experience God? For me at the moment, it is listening to Bethel, playing with babies, feeling rested, and praise and worship. Prioritize those things! Do something that gives you joy each day even if it’s just for a little while. They are not unimportant because your heart is not unimportant. Also, look for ways to reach out to others - surprisingly that often helps!

9. Get negative music and media out of your life: We become what we consume. Switch it with music that lifts you up and helps you connect with God.

10. Talk to someone: The more we wallow in the darkness of our own thoughts, the easier it is to start believing they are true. Reach out for help! Ask a Christian if you can come talk to them, if you can regularly meet with them. If you have no people around, plan regular (even daily if necessary) video chats with people who will listen to you, but are unafraid to speak the truth joyfully and clearly and again and again. (Don’t talk to people who drag you further down.)

11. Seek professional help: If you’ve tried it all and this darkness and despair is unchanging and unshakeable, it may be time to seek out counselling or therapy. There are helplines available, you can look online for something accessible. Don’t be embarrassed. I know many people who have struggled with depression at certain times of their life, and sometimes have needed medication to help them for a time. It doesn’t make you a failure to seek help when you need it.

12. Remind yourself that this is not forever: I know it FEELS like it is forever when you’re in the middle of it, but I promise it isn’t! You will feel happy again! You will be at peace one day! This too shall pass. It’s going to get better! There is HOPE!

Where can I go from your spirit? Or where can I flee from your presence? If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light around me become night,” even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is as bright as the day, for darkness is as light to you.

Psalm 139: 7, 11-12

I am praying for you all. Feel free to reach out if you need prayers for a specific situation.

Related Reading 

A Melancholic Searches for Joy 

The Antidotes to Anxiety 

The Poison We All Breathe 

My Experiences With Anxiety and Peace

New Year's Resolutions for the Motivationally Challenged

A Ten-Year-Old Teaches Her Auntie To Pray

After a cozy (if noisy) evening watching My Fair Lady with my family, we welcomed my mum back after a week away, and sat down to a late dinner of pork and beans. The conversation was lively, and my littlest niece aged 1.5 was getting louder and more emphatic as she yelled, “Mummy-O! Daddy-O! Nanny-O!” across the room at us. My oldest niece sat by me, and after dinner she curled into my lap. She’s ten years old and long and lanky now, so not all of her fit on me. But that didn’t stop her.

“Do kuru-kuru! Please! I’ll play with your hair in exchange… and give you a massage… and let you read me a story…”

“Oh you’ll LET me, will you?”

Kuru-kuru is a light scratching-stroking motion we do on my nieces’ arms or legs. It has been a comforting and soothing routine from the time they were tiny, often used at bedtime, but we hardly do it now that they are so much older. I started stroking her. After a moment she started smiling to herself, a smile that spilled out of her, like she couldn’t contain it.

“What?” I said. “Why are you smiling?”

“I’m so lucky to have an auntie like you.”

My own heart expanded and glowed.

What does this have to do with prayer? I’ve been attempting to have a personal prayer time since I was 14 years old. As a full-time Catholic volunteer, I am committed to having a daily prayer time. It’s practically a job requirement. I give talks about prayer, telling people “You can’t have a relationship with Jesus if you don’t spend time with Him daily.”

And yet, it’s still a struggle. I don’t run to prayer, and often think of many other things I would rather do. Prayer often feels like a chore, something to tick off a to-do list. I know and love Jesus, so why do I so often feel like avoiding prayer? Well, for one because ‘prayer is a battle. Against whom? Against ourselves and against the wiles of the tempter who does all he can to turn man away from prayer, away from union with God.’ CCC 2725

I think the way I am tempted is to forget what prayer really is. I know enough to realize I need to show up for prayer and be consistent even when I don’t have good feelings or great reflections and insights – that God can still work in me as long as I’m willing to show up. But still once I’m there, I often feel like I need to DO the things, you know, thank Him, ask forgiveness, read Scripture, reflect, write something in my journal, ask for what I need. Not bad things. But it’s like going on a date and going through the motions. ‘According to Scripture, it is the heart that prays. If our heart is far from God, the words of prayer are in vain.’ CCC 2562

Being with my niece helped me remember a retreat I attended some years ago. The speaker talked about the tendency in many Christians to focus on our work, our mission. We talk about being filled up and then go and empty ourselves, and then come back to God to be filled up again like filling petrol at a petrol pump. “But we’re not calling to leave the Father at all! We need to remember our MISSION comes from our IDENTITY and our IDENTITY comes from our RELATIONSHIP with the Father. We need to REMAIN within the embrace of the Father. It’s when we forget the order that we burn out. The order is always RELATIONSHIP-IDENTITY-MISSION. Imagine that the Father’s embrace is a big armchair. We constantly feel like we need to get up and go do stuff on our own. But the job of our community is to push us back into that chair, remind us where we need to be.”

As I turned to prayer that day, I set aside even my ‘prayer to-do-list’. I put on the song ‘Pieces’ from Bethel. And I gazed out of the window at the green outside and the sky beyond. I breathed in the cool air, and I leaned into the Lord. I just allowed Him to hold me. I let go of the burdens I was clinging to. I let the stress I wasn’t even aware of drain from my body. And I smiled up at Him. I felt so loved, so safe.

Why is prayer such a chore? Because I keep forgetting that it just means resting in the Father’s embrace, smiling up at Him and allowing Him to love me. It took my niece gazing up at me the same way to remind me yet again that it all comes back to love. That doesn’t mean prayer is easy. It’s still a battle. ‘Prayer is both a gift of grace and a determined response on our part. It always presupposes effort.’ CCC 2725

But the battle isn’t to achieve the most amazing prayer time, or to somehow make myself better at prayer. Instead the battle is to place myself in the arms of the Father, and remain there.

Related Reading 

To Be Someone's Darling 

The Time I Went on a Five Day Silent Retreat 

My Experiences With Anxiety and Peace

How I Know I’m Growing Old Edition 5ish

As you all know, I LOVE writing about how old I am. I wrote about it here, here and even here. Oh wait, here too.

My Old People Shoes: I undertook the scary task some months ago of going shoe-shopping. I was looking for some ‘normal’ slip-ons to take the place of my black chappals that I pretty much live in, just in case I actually needed to go somewhere where actual shoes were required when I went on my visit to the US. To my surprise, I found a pair I actually liked, and were within my budget, and hadn’t exceeded my two hour shopping trip exhaustion limit. I was quite proud of myself and wore the shoes several times.

One morning I was at the beauty salon (are they still called that?) feeling quite put together with my new shoes, but trying to avoid awkward small-talk (as INTJs do), when an old lady in her 70s came up to me. Then she said the words any woman in her 30s would dread: “Where did you get your shoes? I’ve been searching all over for this exact type!” Why yes, I had picked out the exact style that old ladies love to wear.

My Fashion Style: I had been feeling like I needed something easy but artistic to add to my hair. “How about a flower?” I thought. We were at a mall, and I looked at a few, but they mostly seemed childish and overpriced. I went home, but my sister kept an eye out for one, and soon sent me a picture of a couple of options. I liked the red rose, so she bought that one for me. I wore it one day to school, and felt pretty happy with myself.

We went on a trip to Vasai last weekend for a retreat, and I decided to take my rose along, just in case the flower-wearing mood struck me. I didn’t wear it to Adoration because it made me a little self-conscious, but wore it to the celebratory Lord’s Day dinner. I looked at the other fashionable younger women though, and none of them seemed to be wearing flowers. “Hmm, maybe I’m just artistic but not fashionable.” The next day at Mass at a little church the truth was revealed to me. The roses WERE in fashion – I saw the EXACT rose I was wearing… in the hair of multiple authentic Maharashtrian middle-aged aunties wearing sarees as they worshipped.

My References to ‘Young People’: When I started as a Catholic full-timer in India, I remember laughing with my team at priests constantly talking about ‘youngsters’. I stopped laughing recently when I started noticing how often the term ‘young people’ made it into my conversation… and how I usually was NOT including myself in that category.

My Solidarity with My Dad’s Road Rage: My dad and I were riding to meet my family for lunch. We were on my Activa, and as our light turned green, we rode forward with the rest of the flow of traffic. Into this law-abiding group of citizens barreled a rickshaw cutting a red light and blocking us. What I usually do in such circumstances is dodge the offender and shoot him or her a dirty look. But this was my dad. What HE did was bellow, “WHOOAAA!!!!!!” at the rickshaw driver. In previous years, I world have been mortified. Instead I heartily approved and even muttered, “Blinkin’ idiot,” as we passed. I have become my dad.

My Intolerance of Any Noises in the Night: “Do they have any idea what time it is?” “Are they not aware that there are people sleeping?” “Grumble grumble this is ridiculous - so what if they’re celebrating, do we all have to suffer because they are happy?”

My Love for The Seekers: So if you don’t know The Seekers, this won’t make as much of an impression. Let me turn to Wikipedia to describe what I mean. Yes, The Seekers are an Australian folk-influenced pop quartet from the sixties. So you will often see me cooking and singing along to ‘Hey there, Georgy Girl’ and ‘A World of Our Own’. My mum used to listen to this band (when she was pregnant with me which apparently explains everything), and often sings their songs too, so I guess I’m becoming my mum too.

People Guessing I’m Older Than I Am: I’ve been so confident about my youthful looks that I’m always a little cocky about telling people I’m ‘REALLY OLD’ and still having them guess that I’m in my mid-2os. Well, that back-fired recently when a couple of new friends took me at my word, and guessed that I was either 35 or 37. Got a good helping of humility (or do I mean humiliation) there.

In conclusion, I am 32. But really 40 isn’t THAT far away, so I’m just trying to get mentally prepared for that by calling myself old 8 years in advance. (Sorry you aged 40 year olds.)

The Lost Art of Listening

I have found something that most people I know have in common - we are all terrible at listening. It is too strong a temptation to think the conversation is all about us.

Person 1: My cat died.

Person 2: I don't have a cat.

My sister and I recognized this tendency in ourselves years ago, so every now and again, when we noticed each other doing it, we would say meaningfully, "I don't have a cat."

How often have I asked a question and completely missed the answer because I was busy following my own train of thought?

How often have I only caught the beginning of the answer, and then switched off as I began to construct my rebuttal or my own related funny story?

How often have I breathlessly waited for the other person to pause so I can jump in with MY much funnier and more interesting take on the subject?

Sometimes I think of a conversation as a game of catch or throwball (my school's version of volleyball). It's supposed to go back and forth. But too often I or the other person grab the ball and start running in the opposite direction. Even though I know my tendency to do this, I still often make the same mistakes. However I am trying, and am a little better than I used to be.

Here are a few things I found helpful-

1. Echo and ask follow up questions: Obviously don't just repeat back the exact thing the other person just said, but if you're having a hard time focussing, try to pick up SOMETHING the other person said, and check that's what they were saying. "So you are finding your job stressful?" And then follow up, "Do you think it's because of the timings? Or are there other factors?"

2. Watch people's faces: It's easy to tell when I've been hogging the conversation ball, because people stop responding, start getting a blank look on their faces, and stop saying anything.

3. Look out for open mouths: Sometimes people want to say something but they won't grab the ball as aggressively as others. They open their mouth to say something, but don't follow up if someone else keeps talking. So when I see that, whether it's in a one-on-one conversation or a group conversation, I need to stop and say, "You were about to say something?"

4. Consciously choose to give up a story: Sometimes I have the best story ever. And I just KNOW it's going to get a laugh. Or I have a great, original thought that would be a wonderful addition to the conversation. And I just feel like I MUST get it in one way or another. But you know what? I really don't need to. My stories and opinions are really not AS amazing as I think they are. (And if I MUST share them, I can always blog 😄)

5. Give up the addictive need to be right: Not everything has to turn into a debate. Listen to understand, not to make a point. It's easy to tell at the end of a conversation whether it was fruitful or frustrating.

6. Remember that listening is love: What a simple way to make people feel loved. When I think of people who have really listened to me, been genuinely interested in my life, and asked good questions, I remember feeling loved.

7. Humbly admit when you fail: I have had to often apologize for talking too much. Or say, "I'm so sorry but I didn't catch your name." Or "I know I should know this by now and you've probably told me, but what is it you do again?"

8. Try again: I don't need to beat myself up every time I fail. I'm not a horrible person, I just have a weakness which I'm working on.

I've seen how each time I make a little effort to grow in this area, it blesses someone, opens up a space for REAL communication, and fellowship. Everyone needs to be heard. But very few are really listening.