Thoughts on Re-reading Jane Eyre

--1--

With what high sounding words did the characters express love! It almost makes one choose to do likewise after several hours of reading this piece of literature from yesteryear.

Behold, for example, these impassioned words spoken by Mr. Rochester to our little Jane, the first words that revealed his tenderer feelings for her, the night she saved him from being burnt in his bed by his SPOILER ALERT mad wife.

"I knew," he continued, "you would do me good in some way, at some time;-- I saw it in your eyes when I first beheld you: their expression and smile did not"- (again he stopped)- "did not" (he proceeded hastily "strike delight to my very inmost heart so for nothing. People talk of natural sympathies; I have heard of good genii: there are grains of truth in the wildest fable. My cherished preserver, goodnight!"

Let's put that in simpler modern-day English.

"I thought love was only true in fairytales, meant for someone else but not for me. Then I saw your face, now I'm a believer! Not a trace of doubt in my mind. I'm in love, I'm a believer!'

Guys, looking for words to express your love? Give it a try- "Your expression and smile struck delight to my very inmost heart!"

--2--

Well before the day of hookups and make out sessions, Mr. Rochester and Jane showed us that hand-holding can be very romantic, and an even thrilling encounter. No casual hand-holding for them! (Or me.) No stray kisses before love was committed. Physical contact meant a lot.

He held out his hand; I gave him mine: he took it first in one, then in both his own.

---3---

Morality and an awareness of God, a desire to do what is right in the eyes of God was a major turning point in the novel, not something you would expect from most literature today, except third rate horribly written Christian romance novels. I can't imagine most people agreeing that Jane made the right decision, SPOILER ALERT denying herself the joy of loving and being loved and fleeing Mr. Rochester when she found he had a mad wife.

Her inner struggle was fascinating to me, because she was tempted for sure, but I love the point where she says, "I will keep the law given by God; sanctioned by man. I will hold to the principles received by me when I was sane, not mad- as I am now. Laws and principles are not for the times when there is no temptation; they are for such moments as this, when body and soul rise in mutiny against their rigour; stringent are they; inviolate they shall be. If at my individual conscience I might break them, what would be their worth? They have a worth- so I have always believed; and if I cannot believe it now, it is because I am insane- quite insane; with my veins running fire, and my heart beating faster than I can count its throbs. Preconceived opinions, foregone determinations, are all I have at this hour to stand by: there I plant my foot."

Wow. In the age of 'if it feels good, do it', who has that kind of inner strength? And yet her struggle has been experienced by us all at some point. If my God allows me to do what I want when I want and how I want it, and never demands of me anything hard, then my god is ME and my selfish whims.

---4---

But of course, as I often do when I get engrossed in fictional stories of unhappy marriages, I ask myself like any good Catholic INTJ would- 'Would he have grounds for an annulment?' And I breathe a sigh of relief when I realize that in this case, there are the clearest grounds for annulment I've ever read. He was pressured into this marriage, information about the mental health (not to mention age) of his prospective wife was hidden from him, he was told that his mentally ill mother in law was dead.. I'm no canon lawyer, but that does NOT sound like a valid marriage. Phew!

(Just FYI, as a Catholic I believe that if a couple freely make a lifetime commitment to each other, they are in fact bound for a lifetime to each other. An annulment is not a 'Catholic divorce', but a marriage being declared invalid (that it was never a real marriage) because there was some element missing when the vows were made- like one or both were forced into the marriage, some important information was hidden, one or both did not really plan to be open to children, etc.)

---5---

As I read Jane Eyre, I was reminded that the details of attraction and falling in love don't really change from culture to culture, and age to age. There is the acute awareness of where the other person is placed in a room at any given moment, there is observation of the other person's every passing mood, and inferences made in one's mind about the why and wherefore of every fleeting expression, there is a strong resolution not to make it obvious that one is observing, especially if one is not assured of the other person's affections, there is much pondering and reflecting on the character of the other person, there is pleasure taken in the smallest sign of affection, as there is in knowing that one has the power to make this beloved happy. Amirite? (Or is this just INTJ romance?)

---6---

And although there is much that is easy to identify with, the dramatic elements of Jane Eyre are hysterical. SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS, A mad wife! Who laughs maniacally, and attacks, and bites, and drinks the blood of the one she bites. The madwoman ripping the veil in half the night before her husband is supposed to be married to another. A wedding stopped at exactly the point where the priest says "If any of you has reasons why these two should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace" (well, the fancier version of those words). The mansion being burned down. Supernatural communications between lovers. So dramatic, and yet so enjoyable.

Okay, I'm done.

The Time I Went on a Five Day Silent Retreat

You'd assume for a self-identifying introvert, a five day silent retreat would have been super easy but those who know me, know that I am an externally processing introvert who talks nineteen to the dozen. And yet... five days of silence was very beautiful.

This retreat was an answer to prayer- for about six months I had felt God was telling me : 

I am about to do a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?

Isaiah 43: 19a

"Great! I'm all for it," I told Him. "But I have no idea what that new thing is."

Of course a part of me was like, "Vocational fulfilment! Yay!" But that's just every Catholic single who think they are called to marriage.

He was like, "You'll see."

And I did.

The past week I felt like He was opening a door in my journey with Him, and saying, "We're not there yet. Let's go." What He said was so full of light and truth that it overshadowed every other desire and goal and dream for my life.

What am I talking about? There is no way I can share with you everything that I learned, and most likely even if I did, coming from a blog post it probably won't mean much to you. What I really want is for you to go on this silent retreat and find out for yourself, as you sit before the Blessed Sacrament chapel, the glass walls giving you a glimpse of hovering eagles at eye level, the river far below meeting the sea in the distance, as you listen to a Carmelite priest speak words of SOLID truth, practical wisdom, and poetic sweetness, revealing the heart of the God who desires to be known by you- as taught by Saint Teresa of Avila and Saint John of the Cross.

The second part of that bible verse was:

I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.
...I give water in the wilderness, rivers in the desert, to give drink to my chosen people,
 the people whom I formed for myself so that they might declare my praise.

Isaiah 43: 19b-21

And the retreat was all about the river, the streams of living water which is the Presence of God coming to meet us in contemplation.

These are three insights that impacted me big time:

1. Any sensory pleasure I take that uses up hours and days of my life dulls my senses to God in prayer. I’m an obsessive TV serial watcher. I think I have an addictive personality. Luckily I don’t have TV in my volunteer post, but every time I go home, I binge watch hours and hours of some show or the other. Years ago it was LOST. It has been Downton Abbey, Gray’s Anatomy, The Mentalist, Castle, 24, House. Most of my life (until the Internet) I was a voracious reader, I could read for hours every day, and late into most nights. My latest obsessive behaviour has been reading Facebook comment threads from Simcha Fisher, one of my favourite Catholic bloggers. Her posts, and the comments that follow are witty, insightful, and thought-provoking- a feast for a Catholic INTJ’s mind. It all seems harmless, especially if the content of my latest obsession is clean, and it doesn’t interfere with my daily duties.

But this was the point- if my prayer is lifeless and dull, if I’ve lost my taste for prayer, it’s because my intellect and memory are constantly caught up in those pleasures. I am caught up in self-gratification, rather than being able to open myself to loving God and my neighbour in the present moment. The Lord is like, “If you allow those things to satisfy you, then where is there room for ME to satisfy you?” It’s like eating popcorn throughout the day, and when the feast arrives, you don’t have an appetite for it. So painful as it may seem, God is asking me to cut out some of my ‘harmless’ sensory pleasures… so I can relearn to take pleasure in His presence.

The cool thing was that actually happened at the retreat- I had never felt more joyful, peaceful and excited to just sit with Him in the chapel at random moments.

2. The way to go deeper in prayer isn’t some new meditation technique or effort at focus, but the way of charity, humility, detachment and ‘stealing moments’ of silence. Fr. A, who led the retreat was very clear- charity, the attitude that allows me to accept my brother or sister as he or she is, without judgment or analysis, is ESSENTIAL to experience God. Love cuts through my ego, my self-centredness, my judgment and makes a way for God to break through, and touch my deepest, innermost self. Saint Teresa of Avila said that the only sign that shows progress in prayer is that you accept your brother or sister in community. And love of course isn’t a sweet feeling, but a decision, and even a struggle- but a struggle that purifies. Only love can liberate me from ego. And a handy tip that helps me love people in spite of the way they treat me is: ‘There is no event that takes place without the knowledge of God.’ And therefore he has allowed this person, this event, this circumstance for some greater good- usually my own growth.

3. If my soul wants to be like a watered garden, I need to use the drip irrigation method, plus a morning and night watering: If I really want to grow in prayer, I MUST make time to meet Him not just once in the day, but for a chunk of time at the beginning and at the end, and frequently throughout the day, even for a few minutes at a time- singing hymns, practising the presence of God, doing an examen, just saying a few words of love. As most people who know me probably know, I’m one of the laziest people alive. Sloth in particular is my besetting sin- laziness in spiritual matters. I do the bare minimum. If I’m praying once a day, I think I’m doing GREAT. And yet, something has changed with this retreat. As Fr. A said, “You don’t have to do it. I can’t tell you you have to. But if you have a desire for God, you can do it!” And I can. If I can make time to check Facebook through the day, surely I can make time to turn my gaze to the Beloved.

There was SO much more. But I’m going to stop. You should go for this retreat. Seriously. If you live in India, take a week off and go. Leave me your email in the comments or contact me if you want details. Really. Do it.