A surprising wedding, marriage and spouse
I started a matchmaking service a few months ago. It was something I had been thinking about for quite a while, largely because of the many years I had spent single and rarely encountering the kind of man I was looking for. 'There have GOT to be more disciples out there!'
Well, I met my spouse unexpectedly - not through a matchmaking agency, not through a set-up, not in my mission organization, but at a youth retreat that my team was speaking at. Neither he nor I were 'youth', but in our thirties, and he just happened to be there as one of the youth leaders of their community.
There were so many unlikely aspects of our relationship and eventual marriage. Though we both loved Jesus and the Church, and had been formed in the Charismatic renewal, he came from a very different culture than mine, and it was quite a surprise to his family that he was seriously pursuing someone so far removed from their world. Marrying him meant leaving my home base in Pune, and moving to the small-town world of Vasai, where most people prefer to speak Marathi (and his family speaks a dialect of that called Kadodi), and have a different set of traditions, expectations and relationships than I am used to. We both made adjustments to each other, and our families had to do the same. No one got exactly what they wanted, especially with the wedding. Also, he is FAR more educationally qualified, we're from completely different fields, and even our personalities are quite different. If I had just looked at his profile, and seen his Myers-Briggs personality type, I would have not expected us to get along at all. Almost no one who knew both him and me thought of setting us up. And yet, after just one conversation, I could see there was something there, and after a few short months, I knew I wanted to marry him. There were many questions about the future, but I felt sure about him, and about the Lord.
I felt sure - God would provide. God would work it out. God was enough. And He did, and He was.
So what's this got to do with COVID-19, seeking a spouse and discipleship?
One of the big lessons that God has taught me over the years is the lesson of detachment from my own will, letting go of control, abandoning myself to divine providence and being open to God's surprises.
Practically it meant not holding on to ANYTHING more than God's will for me. Missionary life stripped away many of my comforts and preferences. Living in a foreign country and working closely with other people meant things often didn't go the way I expected them to or planned them to. I like having a plan. I like having control, because then I can ensure a particular outcome (in which my comfort is a priority).
But that illusion of control was stripped away pretty soon. Everything was often crazy. When that happened, I had two choices - frustration or abandonment. Of course I chose frustration. I used to get mad and frustrated about so many things - meetings we were expected to go to that went on forever, team members who were late for everything, leaders who failed me, ministries that didn't work out, people who made bad decisions that affected me, so many factors that made my life less than perfect.
It took a while, but FINALLY I began to learn to let go. People weren't perfect, situations weren't perfect, I didn't always have everything I thought I needed, and yet, and yet... there was peace. I learned to go with the flow, to see God's hand in the unfamiliar and unexpected, to seek His will when doors closed or obstacles came up. I loosened my grip on the reins. And I began to see fruit in my own life and the people around me. I would never exchange the gifts I received in the painful but transforming years as a foreign missionary.
A few months ago COVID-19 came and upended our world with its surprising and scary influence. No one has escaped their lives being affected. For some, it has been a matter of life and death, for others, it's been an inconvenience, isolation, a change in schedule and a limiting of our freedom and preferences. For many, it has serious potential consequences, affecting their careers and incomes, their family's health and education. Many have lost relatives. Anyone in essential services, especially healthcare professionals, have entered a world of higher risk.
I'm having a baby in less than three months. My husband is a doctor who still has to go to the hospital every day, and come in contact with patients (so much for physical distancing for us). The hospital where we plan to deliver is in Mumbai, one of the worst hit of the COVID hotspots. My parents who I hope will be there with me live in Pune which has also been badly hit. This is not exactly how I imagined my first delivery, or even my first year of marriage.
And yet, there is peace. God will provide. God will work it out. God is enough.
COVID-19 is an opportunity for all of us to give up the illusion of control. We are NOT in control. We do our best to keep our lives secure, but really our lives and this world are fragile, and everything that is normal to us can be swept away in the blink of an eye, with or without COVID-19. So we may as well let go of the anxiety and frustration.
God will provide. God will work it out. God is enough.
For my matchmaking candidates, I've been hitting some unexpected walls. The basis of this matchmaking service is a common faith and discipleship. Even with different personalities and ages and backgrounds, I hoped that there would be many good conversations between potential matches, opportunities to meet and get to know people with the same foundation, and see if there's something more.
But I find many people come in with preconceived ideas, with their hands firmly on the reins, with a very specific idea of what they are and aren't open to. That's not always a bad thing. It's good to know what you want. But with too many conditions, too much desire for control, too much value on self-protection and self-preservation, they will not even talk once to a potential match for reasons that seem to me to be more about externals than the persons themselves. Character matters, externals less so.
Discipleship means being OPEN to God's surprises, letting go of our need to control everything, and having an iron-clad list of what will and won't make us happy. We THINK we'll be happy in our comfort zones, but God knows us better, and we have to be willing to give Him a chance. If I hadn't learned that lesson, I would not have been able to receive the gift of my husband and baby and new life and adventure together.
God is surprising. Life with God is a beautiful adventure. But the cost of the adventure is letting go of OUR plans and OUR lists, and letting Him write the story. Like Saint John Paul said, "Be not afraid!"
God will provide. God will work it out. God is enough.
P.S. If any of my matchmaking candidates read this, please say yes to talking to someone before deciding you're not interested!
