Today as usual I woke up late (the effect of another late night + pregnancy tiredness) and started off my day with a few tasks around the house, and then coffee and my phone. Joel left for the hospital late morning after kissing me goodbye as usual.
I was going to have my prayer time after that, but decided to cook lunch first and get it over with as it was late. I made dal, roasted eggplant (baingan bartha) and chapati dough, and washed some dishes as the sweat rolled down my body.
Just as I finished, made myself some cold mango milkshake, and was about to sit down in my cool bedroom, Joel returned home. Any other Indian housewife would have immediately jumped back up, started making hot-hot chapatis, and served their husband lunch. However I asked Joel if he’d mind if we sat for a little while as I was tired and had just finished cooking.
So we sat in our bedroom, talked about his morning at the hospital and random bits of news from our social media feeds.
Then I asked him, “Any chance you want to make chapatis? I started making them, but some more have to be made.”
“Sure, is the dough ready?”
“Yes, everything is ready on the counter.”
“You should have told me as soon as I came in, I would have made them.”
So for fifteen minutes as he was in the kitchen making chapatis, I lay in my bed typing out a blog post.
We talk about this a lot - how apparently even nowadays many Indian men think that it’s their wife’s job to serve them constantly and take care of all the household tasks. If they do anything around the house, they’re ‘helping’ her, as if they both didn’t live in the home. We see ourselves as partners, as team mates, and we divide the jobs to be done at home. When I cook, he does dishes, and vice versa. We both clear up after a meal. He cleans the bathrooms, and I sweep and mop (both not as often as we should). We both do laundry. He takes the trash out, and I make the bed. He works at the hospital and I work part time from home, so we both have other work we need to prioritize too. But we are both trying to serve each other by taking care of our home and each other. We're still figuring out all the other extra tasks, and we have a baby on the way, so things will get harder and more complicated in a few months. But we've started well.
Why is this so unusual? I think it's a variety of reasons - men have seen their dads come home, sit down with a newspaper, and their mums remain working non-stop (in and out of the home). Women have seen their mums never ask for anything for themselves, rarely have any leisure time, and assume that's normal. Perhaps they wonder if they're selfish for expecting their husbands to do more. I think many women also LIKE being the queens of their household, and being the only ones who know how to do everything and have everyone else need them. Maybe they also like to have everything done perfectly and their way, and it's just easier if you do it all yourself, right?
Sometimes the men's excuse is "I don't know how to cook." Like women, you too are capable of learning! All it takes is willingness to ask... or even google it!
People joke about men being expected to be thanked and praised every time they do anything in the house. But I think it's good for every member of the house to be acknowledged and appreciated for their acts of service. My mum (and dad) trained us to thank her and say something nice about the food she set before us every day.
Especially for Christians whose God said "I came not to be served but to serve", we are ALL called to be servants of one another... not just women of men. A Christ-centred marriage and family is one where we are willing to look out for each other's needs, but also call each other on when we are not living out our call to serve. This goes for children too.
Parents, please train your sons and daughters to serve, and not just be served. Start early, appreciate their efforts, and teach them to take joy in knowing how to take care of themselves and others, whether by cooking a hot meal, doing dishes, cleaning the kitchen, cleaning bathrooms, or keeping the house and personal stuff organized and neat. It doesn't have to be an unpleasant experience, as long as they feel appreciated. But let them experience the consequences if they just WILL. NOT. TRY. ('If anyone is not willing to work, let him not eat.' 2 Thess 3:10) Husbands and sons, if you don't know where to start, ask your wife/mother to list all the chores she does throughout the day, and then take some off her list. And let's all stop making jokes about how inept and useless men are at home.
If each one takes on this mission of service in the home, there will be far less nagging and resentment, and passive-aggressive behavior, and far more joy in shared familial life.
What has been your experience of who does household chores and cooking at home?
