Covid and the Invitation to Extend Grace

The past year has been tragic for many people - deaths of loved ones, severe health problems, job loss, financial hardships, mental health struggles,  and so much more. 

But for some of us, one of the difficult things about the past year and a half has been a seemingly smaller problem - trying to figure out what is safe to do,  and what isn't. Of course there have been guidelines that have been updated by the health authorities - wash hands, wear masks, stay home, keep a safe distance, etc. But as a few months have turned into over a year,  it's not always been possible or easy just to hit pause on life. 

Some people have laughed off the dangers of covid,  ignored the risks not only to themselves, but also to the high risk people they could encounter. But many of us took the pandemic seriously,  and still have had very different ideas of what an acceptable risk is. 

Should I hire a maid to clean? It's risky but she probably needs the job and the money,  and we are drowning under housework and childcare. 

Should I go to the dentist? How long can I put off my dental work? 

Should I run an errand for a friend? Will their need outweigh the risk to myself and my family? 

Should I visit my old grandparents? They are high risk,  but they are also desperately lonely and need family to visit them occasionally. 

Should I take my young child to see her grandparents? It's a risk to them and to us, but is the solution not having a relationship for over a year? What if they get sick at the  end of the year anyway from some other source,  and we missed out on the chance to build our relationship?

Different people have had different answers to these questions. 

Many didn't have an option about staying home. My husband is a doctor,  so while he wears PPE at the hospital,  we have not been completely isolated since the start of the pandemic. We heard that some doctors' wives and kids moved to a different home to be safe,  but my husband and I didn't think that was what God wanted of us- for him to miss out on the first year of our daughter's life,  or our own married life together.  We'd face the risks together (while trying to take every precaution possible). 

Several of my family had or are having pandemic babies. My daughter too was born in August 2020. We didn't have an option about going for check ups and different doctors' visits. 

I asked my mum to come help me for the first few weeks of my baby's birth. She knew there was a risk involved,  but she felt that my need outweighed the risk. My husband and mother were both with me through my long,  painful labour and for the actual delivery. Amazingly, though we later found out my doctor had covid,  none of us contracted it. Others who took every possible precaution, still contracted it. 

So many different situations,  and so many difficult decisions,  that needed to be re-evaluated with new data, new needs and struggles, and as cases went up and down. So much thinking and overthinking,  discussing, reading,  researching, and analyzing. 

That was difficult enough.  But another more painful problem seems to have arisen across the globe - a high level of judgment and anger and hurt about other people's decisions, often within families and communities. I saw people discuss this on Twitter and Facebook threads,  and realized a lot of people are going through the same struggle. 

I began to realize sometime last year that this particular decision-making is difficult for everyone,  and it's not my job to make decisions for other people.  I didn't always agree with everyone else's ideas of acceptable risks, and I'm sure not everyone agreed with mine.  

Then I remembered a lesson I had learned many years ago - that one of the best gifts I could receive or give was the gift of 'extending grace'. To me that meant trying to believe the best instead of the worst about people's motives, always giving the benefit of the doubt,  withholding judgment, and being kind regardless. It meant trying to put myself in the other person's shoes,  and trying to understand where they were coming from,  even if I couldn't fully agree with them.  

It was helpful to take into account different people's situations and personalities. In some ways,  many introverts thrived on the hermit- like life asked of them.  No social engagements or obligations? Yes, please. (That's me.)  Extroverts on the other hand have been slipping into depression. Some people are naturally more cautious and risk-averse, so in some ways this pandemic has played into their inclinations and confirmed their fear that the world is a dangerous place and too many people are crazy risk takers. I recently read on one FB thread that the more cautious personalities did better at the height of the pandemic, and became more and more anxious as things opened up.  More adventurous personalities were NOT inclined to 'stay home, stay safe', but many did it anyway... until months passed and it just became too much. People from very community-oriented backgrounds couldn't really grasp the concept of not socializing, or not inviting people into their homes.  A lot of the older generation just couldn't seem to get it. These were things I just couldn't control,  nor was I asked to do so. 

My responsibility was to make decisions with my husband for OUR family. Which brings me to the other important concept I began to reflect on - boundaries. Boundaries are a reminder of what I was responsible for,  and what l wasn't.  One  of my most important life lessons (especially because I keep thinking it's my job to make sure everyone is happy, healthy, holy and safe) is the motto: I can't control what other people do, but I can control what I do. 

These two ideas actually worked well together - I could sympathize or empathize with other people's decisions,  but finally I had to make my own decisions (after praying and talking to my husband). I had to respect other people's decisions,  as I expected them to respect mine. 

Like any hardship, the pandemic presents us with an opportunity to allow God in,  or shut Him out. We are always offered an invitation to choose love, mercy and grace in the midst of the most difficult of situations. 

"Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful. Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven." Luke 6: 36-37

My List of Postpartum Must-Haves

My baby is now almost 9 months old, but I wrote this when she was just a few months old.  I had no idea how rough those first few weeks and months would be, so I thought I'd share, both for those who are going to have babies themselves, for their husbands and families to understand what they're going through, and just as a record for myself. 

Most women have their hospital bag list, and their getting ready for baby list.  But do they have their own personal postpartum list?  What do you need to survive these first few weeks and months? 

Patience: As my body faces aches and pains, achy finger joints, stitches that take some time to heal, I have to remember it WILL get better day by day. I thought when I was done with labour and delivery, the pain would all be over, but the weeks that follow have their own share of struggles. But it DOES get better. 

Midnight snacks: Did not know how hungry breastfeeding mothers constantly are. It’s a tough night when I forget to keep a snack within reach. Want to bless a new mom? Gift her some snacks! (Some of my awesome fam did that!) 

A nursing pillow: Thank the Lord for all these little inventions that make the life of a breastfeeding mom a little easier. Did you know new babies feed almost EVERY TWO HOURS? My arm has been saved by using this pillow. (Yet another great gift for a new mom.) 

A hands-on, understanding husband: The long nights are a little easier with a husband who says “Give her to me when you finish feeding and get some sleep,” and then holds the baby, burps the baby, soothes the unhappy baby and changes diapers. Also a good husband is essential for when a postpartum wife keeps bursting into tears (I did not know this was a thing! Yay crazy postpartum hormones) Other tasks of a good husband is reassuring his wife that her body will get back to normal eventually, NOT commenting on how tired she constantly looks, providing food and water and hugs and prayers when she needs them, and not expecting anything of her except survival. 

Two bedrooms: Obviously this is for those whom it is possible. We realized we would both do better if we took turns to sleep and care for baby.  I took night shift in our extra room so Joel could sleep undisturbed. I would hand baby over in the early hours of the morning, and sink into sleep for a few hours. 

A support system: My mother came to stay with me for two weeks after the delivery, and then I stayed at my parents’ home for another two weeks. My mum went above and beyond- cooking for us, taking the baby at all hours including the middle of the night so I could catch some sleep, holding and rocking baby when she was crying her head off, showing me how to care for a tiny human being from bathing her to identifying her needs. Some friends sent food over, especially helpful immediately after returning from the hospital when all of us were exhausted. (Another post on this coming up.) 

Low expectations: Don't expect to cook or clean or go back to work or do anything except survive at the beginning. The bare minimum is a LOT. Get a tiffin, or order food, and don't be embarrassed about it. You will have so much more peace of mind if you give up unnecessary guilt. 

An internet connection: There are awesome Instagram accounts that help me remember I'm not the only one struggling.  There are articles, support groups and forums for every question I have about my baby and her struggles. I’ve researched everything from how to help a baby with vaccination pain, reflux, gassiness, to tricks to burp baby, to why my baby wakes up as soon as I put her down, and a LOT more, sometimes in the dead of night while holding her yet again. 

Perspective: This one is easy to lose when you’re in the trenches, in a blur of tiredness and breastfeeding and diapers and spit-up, and it seems like baby won’t stop crying and you’re never going to sleep again. But it’s super-helpful to remember that it’s perfectly normal for everything to seem overwhelming especially in the first three months, that baby crying doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong or that you are scarring baby for life with your incompetence, that it WILL get better, and you WILL feel normal again, and you WILL sleep for more than an hour at a time. 

Boundaries: It's okay to tell people that no, you are not up to guests, or that you need to take your baby in to feed now, or that you need to go sleep because you're exhausted, or that no, you can't attend that meeting or wedding or whatever because it's just too hard right now.  You don't have to be embarrassed to say no, nor are you under any obligation to please everyone else. Your priority is your baby and your own survival.  You don't have to be rude or get mad- they probably just don't remember or know how hard the newborn stage is. 

Humility: At the beginning I was so weak, all I could do was feed baby, as my mother and husband literally fed me. My mother or husband cooked (or we ordered), I didn't set foot in the kitchen for months. My mother even massaged my painful body.  I felt so helpless. But I remember thinking- your baby is dependent on you, and you are dependent on them... and that's the way it is. Some day you will be the one taking care of them, but for now allow yourself to be looked after. 

What else would you add to this list?