The Wedding Chronicles: The Secret to a Peaceful Bride

I don't really like weddings. Well, in theory they sound exciting and fun, but in reality they're usually overwhelming and just too much... and that's just as a guest. If you ask a bride and groom to be honest about the wedding, it's much worse. All that planning and organization, all the expectations thrown at you by everybody, all the people to meet and greet and take care of, all the little details that can go wrong... it's a recipe for anxiety.

I was worried about the wedding from the beginning. "What if I don't sleep well the night before? I know what a mess I am when I'm tired. How do I smile for 700 guests and the photographer? I can't smile on demand. How do I even relate to 700 people? How do introverts survive their own weddings?"

Many months before Joel and I had prayed about it, and I felt the Lord asking me to surrender having the wedding in my own hometown, and having it in Joel's village instead. There were a variety of reasons, but in the end, the Lord told me clearly to give up my attachments to my plan.

The week before the wedding I read a bible passage during my prayer time:

Unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. He who loves his life loses it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. John 12: 24-25

I love my comfort zone, doing things the safe way, the predictable way. But God was telling me again that if I wanted to grow, to be fruitful, to be happy,  I had to stop clinging to comfort and to safety and to the things that I thought would make me safe and happy, and allow HIM to be in charge of both my peace and my happiness.

We had a crazy wedding day. There were completely unexpected heavy rains in the weeks leading up to the wedding, and despite the prayers, it rained heavily the day before the wedding. There was no alternate reception venue indoors because of the numbers, so we stuck to the grounds where we originally planned to have it, but large parts of the ground were marshy and wet. The weather was sweltering and humid. I was mopping up sweat under my veil during the Mass.

The priests didn't enter as we expected, so our entrance hymn which we both had looked forward to was cancelled. Our caterer and decorator turned out to be inept and messed up most of the things we asked him to take care of. The centerpieces I planned didn't happen, there were no fairy lights, the stage was rickety, people toasted us in plastic cups, the sound stopped working intermittently. I could go on, but I should stop.

In the midst of all this chaos, was I an anxious, angry wreck? Praise be to God, we were both happy and peaceful. It was the Miracle of the Wedding at Vasai.

Because of an attitude of abandonment and trust, we prayed our way through every struggle that came up. The day before the wedding we were not supposed to see each other, and in fact, were supposed to remain in our respective homes. Instead, Joel and I together with my maid of honour headed out for Confession, spent time at an Adoration chapel, and had lunch together. In the evening after the wedding rehearsal, we had a time of quiet prayer with some of our family and friends in Adoration.

Fr. Jacques Philippe says, ''Any reasons to lose your peace are bad reasons."

Though so many things went wrong that day, I received so many gifts I would have missed if I had been anxious or controlling.

- There was peace and perfect harmony between Joel and me and our immediate families throughout.

- I slept NINE hours the night before the wedding and was peaceful and relaxed even when I kept hearing about things going wrong. In fact, Joel had left me a letter to be opened IN CASE I felt anxious... and I didn't need to open it at all.

- The church looked beautiful and was packed. One of my desires was that I had a full church at my wedding, in opposition to the common practice many guests have of skipping the wedding Mass and coming for the reception.

- My sweet bridegroom actually did cry as I walked up the aisle to him. He said he was able to fully enter into the liturgy and received a lot, which was one of our prayers beforehand.

- So many of my friends and family travelled all the way (some from out of the country) to be with me on this important day, and even though I couldn't spend much time with most of them, it blessed my heart that they loved me enough to be present.

- In the moments of realizing the imperfections around me, and beginning to get stressed out, the Lord sent me my little niece who stuck to me through most of the reception.

- We had some fun moments with the wedding march and a group dance we call the Belgian dance that lots of guests joined in.

- There were many touches of beauty that soothed my heart - my aunt put together gorgeous bouquets, my mum created the wedding cake, the stage backdrop was exactly what I asked for, my bridesmaids'outfits that I had envisioned looked beautiful (I had picked very unusual outfits for them so I wasn't sure how it would all work), my hair and makeup done by my cousin and friend survived the humidity, and of course you read about the dress.

By the end of the reception though, I was hungry, tired, and totally done. I actually burst into tears and told my new husband I wanted to go home. The next morning we had to go for 7 am Mass (I was dressed in the traditional shalu) and then there was a bangle ceremony at his home. I was exhausted, but I made it through all the traditions and expectations (a very toned down version of typical weddings in his culture).

A few days later we returned to Pune for a small party with my family and some friends, and my cousins and friends went out of their way to make sure the party was beautifully decorated. I finally got my fairy lights and centerpieces!

Being a bride was definitely not a fairy tale, and I don't think it is for most women. At the end of the wedding celebrations, I was exhausted, and ready to return to a life of introversion. But my heart was at peace, because I knew I had married the right man, and was able to start my life together with him. I could have missed out on the joy of marriage if I had allowed the fear of discomfort to control me.

So what was the secret to a peaceful bride?

An attitude of abandonment and trust, and detachment from the perfect wedding. God didn't promise us that everything would be perfect, but He did promise us His presence and His peace if we were willing to accept it... and He kept His promise.

Related Reading

The Secret to Peace, Lent and Everything

The Wedding Chronicles: God Designed My Wedding Dress

Seven Conversations To Have Before Deciding to Marry Someone

"True Words"by pxlline is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

As you might have noticed, I love giving romance and relationship advice, despite the fact that I entered my first and only relationship at the wise and mature age of 32. Does that stop me? No way! I have written about arranged marriages, stages of a relationship, reasons to get married, what not to look for in an Indian spouse, and a lot more.

I currently have a few friends who are in serious relationships. They are intentionally trying to get to know the other person in order to discern whether or not God is calling them to a lifelong commitment. 

The thing is, it's hard to REALLY get to know someone, especially when you don't have good guidance, tools, or anyone walking you through the process. Ideally, it would be good to have a spiritual director or mentor who you can talk to about your discernment. But sometimes those people may not themselves have a good idea of what to ask. "Is he a good boy? No bad habits? God-fearing? Well-settled? Go for it! You can't wait forever!" That's not very helpful. 

So here a few ideas for topics to broach before you make that final decision:

1. Do you or have you ever struggled with pornography use or any kind of sexual sin? How long ago? Are you trying to stop, and how can I support you in this? Not exactly first date conversation starters, but it needs to be talked about once you are getting serious. These are the kind of things that you must talk about honestly, or it will come up and sabotage your relationship*. You need to be honest about your own struggles too. 

Red flags: Behaving as if porn and masturbation are no big deal, no real repentance, being disgusted or repelled by hearing about your struggles with sin.

2. If you had to choose between your parents' wishes and mine, which would you choose? In India, this question seems almost unfair. Why should you make someone choose between their parents and you? It doesn't have to be one or the other, does it?

Well, it kind of does, to some extent. In the bible it says, 'Therefore a man shall leave his mother and father, and be united to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.' (Eph 5:31) There is a necessary leaving (emotional and often physical) that must happen in order for a new unit and family to be created.

This isn't easy for either man or woman who are attached to their parents and family and childhood home. It isn't easy for the parents either. But we have seen what happens when this leaving doesn't happen. Marriages are torn apart by divided loyalties, by men unwilling to stand up to their parents, or women who run home to mama every time they're having a fight. This does NOT mean it's ever okay to treat one's parents with disrespect. 

Red flags: Expecting you to 'adjust' every time the parents ask or expect something, ignoring your reservations or boundaries

3. Are you willing to care for my parents if and when they are old, sick, or need us? This is the flip side to the same question, and not something everyone thinks about in the midst of romance and dating. Making a lifelong commitment to someone means helping them carry their burdens, sharing their struggles and difficulties and responsibilities in life too. This goes for both sets of parents. 

Red flags: Avoiding answering the question, assuming someone else will do it or it won't be necessary.

4. Do you tend towards depression, anxiety, anger, suicidal thoughts, isolation, or anything else that affects your normal functioning and relationships? How bad has it been? Have you been through any major trauma in your life? How have you been dealing with it? Are you open to going to counselling? Some of these things may have come up already, you may have seen signs of it. Most people do or will struggle with one or other of these things to some extent. There is no shame in having struggles. The problem is when people are not willing to get the help they need. 

Red flags: Denying there is a problem, blaming everyone else, thinking counselling is not for them. On the flip side, telling you to be positive or just get over it when you share your ongoing struggles

5. Do you have other healthy friendships and relationships in your life? Does the other person have friends who they are able to talk to about deep stuff? Do they have mentor figures in their life? Are they open to advice and correction? If you are their everything, you will have no support system when the two of you have problems. 

Red flags: Having no friends, unwilling to seek out friends or mentors

6. Do you have any disordered attachments or addictions? How do you deal with them? It could be anything from being unable to go a few seconds without checking the phone, addictions to food, shopping, staying up late, being a workaholic, being a control freak or obsessive about cleanliness. It could be needing to constantly buy the latest phone, motorcycle or fashion styles. It could be video games, all-night DOTA sessions, constant Netflix binges.

There's nothing wrong with hobbies, leisure activities or enjoying the good things in life. But you will know it is an unhealthy attachment if your partner CAN'T do without it, gets angry or irritable if he or she can't have it, or if it regularly interferes with their normal duties and responsibilities, and with their relationship with you and with God.

Red flags: Refusal to acknowledge an attachment is out of control, or needs to be worked on, no plan to grow in this area

7. Do you have a prayer life? This goes beyond being 'god-fearing', willing to go to Mass, and fulfill basic obligations. It goes beyond praying the Rosary every day too, even thought that is a good practice. When the storms of life come, and they will, you both need to be rooted in something bigger than yourself.

God is the firmest foundation for a marriage, and the best way to build your life on that foundation is by setting aside time to seek Him every day. It is in honest regular daily prayer that God convicts, guides, strengthens, heals, and does the work in our partner that we cannot do. It doesn't mean that we have the 'perfect' prayer life, but that both are willing to make it a priority.

Red flags: Unwillingness to commit to prayer, suggestion that you can be the 'spiritual' one in the relationship

What other crucial conversations would you advise dating couples to have?

*Check out Fight The New Drug for more information about why pornography use hurts relationships.

The Burdens God Didn’t Ask You to Carry

"Woman carries bundle on her back in Nepal" by World Bank Photo Collection is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

1. Constant self-doubt: ‘The unexamined life is not worth living.’ It is good to pause and take stock of one’s life regularly, holding it up to the light of God, and making changes when necessary. But living in a constant state of unsureness, second guessing every decision, wondering if there’s another life you should be living, comparing your life to others’, this is the devil’s tactic to prevent you from ever fully living the life you have been given. This is it. This life right now, these people, the tasks of this day. Throw away the self-doubt and embrace this life.

2. Unforgiveness: I asked people on Facebook, “What’s one thing you believe strongly but find difficult to live out yourself?” Surprisingly, many answered ‘Forgiveness’. In some way, holding on to anger and resentment can feel like justice. Being asked to forgive may feel like being asked to deny the guilt of the other person, or the seriousness of their offence. But forgiveness is not saying that.

Forgiveness is the freedom for YOU to move on. Unforgiveness and resentment is a burden that will not only slow you down but eventually consume you. You can draw boundaries so the other person doesn’t have room to hurt you again, but you can rid yourself of the bitterness by praying for them and surrendering them to the mercy and justice of God every time you think of them.

3. Other people’s bad decisions: Do you REALLY love someone if you don’t stay awake worrying about their life, decisions and weaknesses? Hi, that’s not real love. It’s normal to be concerned, but then discern if you are being asked to do something about it. Talk to them, listen to them, give some judicious advice and then realise they have been given freedom and the responsibility to make their own choices. You are not their saviour or fixer. Pray fervently for them, offer up your sufferings or sacrifices for them, and entrust them to God.

4. The fate of the country/ Church/ world: Now I’m not saying you don’t have your role to play. I’m not advocating apathy or despair or blame-shifting. But your role and responsibility encompasses only the things that are actually under your control. Often it means being faithful in little things, being the change you want to see, and praying a LOT. But that’s it.

The Holy Spirit may prompt you to start something new, do something different, but guess what He’s NOT asking you to do? He’s not asking you to do everything, change everything, and then stress out because you suddenly realise you CAN’T do everything and change everything.

5. Having your life together all the time: Everybody has bad days. You are not the only one who wasted hours binge-watching Netflix, eating junk food, staying up too late and procrastinating on your very urgent tasks after a bad mood/PMS/family fight/uncovered old wound/loneliness. Pick yourself up and start again.

You’re not the only one who has acted bad-tempered or irritable all day, or found yourself in the middle of a gossip session before you knew it, or started crying for no good reason, or been a far less than cheerful giver, or made a less than tactful comment. Apologize, and move on.

If your life is NEVER in order, then it may be good to talk to someone, go to a counselor, or get a spiritual director, and make some major lifestyle changes. But once in a while is not the end of the world.

Okay, so which of these burdens are you carrying? Hand them over and start a new day with freedom and a lighter step. God’s strong shoulders are willing and able to carry them, but it’s your job to let them go.

Related Reading

The Antidotes to Anxiety

Ask Sue: How Does One Decide When to Jump Into Online Comment Threads?

"man using laptop"by Lee chao 0608 is licensed under CC BY-ND 2.0

One of my patrons recently texted to ask this question:

How does one discern when to engage in online discourse? A friend saw an article posted on a neighbourhood page that seemed discriminatory to Muslims. She felt conflicted: posting a well-intentioned and informed contrary opinion would not change anything. But if she did say something, she would be defending her Muslim neighbours who would feel attacked by the article. She wanted to bring some objectivity to the discussion, but was worried about instigating even more inflammatory remarks making things worse for her neighbours. Any thoughts?

Ah, comment threads, how I love thee. Not. For someone like me who loves and values truth and accuracy, but also hates conflict, online discourse is a tricky place to be. I’ve only written about reading comment threads. What about participating in them? (This includes Facebook, Twitter, Whatsapp groups, etc.)

Full disclosure: I almost never comment on online threads. But I admire those who do so courteously.

Still, here are a few thoughts and suggestions in case you are ever wondering whether or not to jump in:

Check your motives: If you’re just being defensive, trying to prove you’re right and someone else is wrong, close that app and go read a book. Proving a point rarely seems to make a real difference. Win an argument, lose a soul. But if, like my patron’s friend, your motive is to speak up for those who are being attacked or misunderstood, or to help people to see and consider the truth, then proceed further.

Check your emotions: If you are burning with anger or resentment, furious at the stupidity and ignorance of the other commenters, take a break before chiming in. How we say something is as important as what we say. If you’re angry, you’re far less likely to be kind or charitable. Being passionate about truth doesn’t require you to be rude or snarky. Remember that no human being is the enemy, no matter how erroneous or harmful their beliefs are.

Pause and say a prayer: This is one of the typical situations that the Holy Spirit was given to us for. This is not always a clear black and white situation. In some cases, it is better to be quiet, while in others, a prophetic voice is needed. Sometimes it may be your voice, sometimes it may be someone else. Don’t be afraid to be a prophet: The world needs prophets, speaking inconvenient truths. It’s far easier to say the things everyone already agrees on, than to voice an unpopular opinion. Your voice may make all the difference. But how, you may ask. Sometimes it is pretty obvious that the other people on a thread have already made up their minds. What’s the point of saying anything?

You’ve forgotten about all the silent observers sitting on the fence, people who have not yet made up their mind, but are open to hearing from both sides. I can’t tell you how often my mind has been opened to a new perspective by a charitable voice continuing a discussion. How many others are also watching!

When a reasonable voice is heard, people of goodwill consider new perspectives. Never underestimate the power of planting a seed. Most of us are lifelong learners, but we learn based on what we hear, what we see, what people say, how they say it, and how convincing their words are. If no one is willing to speak up for the truth, how can we blame people for being brainwashed by a lost world?

Acknowledge common ground: Usually there is something that you can agree on, and it's helpful to listen for any elements of truth in the other person's words. Acknowledging those elements shows the other person that you are seeking truth, not vindication.

Count the cost: Be aware that some people might attack you for your beliefs, however charitably spoken. If you are still convicted that you need to speak, do so, but don’t remain in a toxic environment. Go play with a baby, cook some dinner, hang out with a friend, or go for a walk. Don't be afraid to bow out when you need to, especially if continuing the discussion is causing you anxiety or interfering with your ability to love and be present to the people around you.

Surrender the outcome to God: You may or may not see visible fruit online. But if you were obedient to the promptings of the Spirit, if you were charitable and kind in your words, and if you remembered to say a prayer for all those involved in the discussion, God is more than able to multiply your little offering. It’s not your job to convince people or save their souls, it is God’s. Remember that you’re not God, and let go of the need for visible success.

Have nothing to do with stupid and senseless controversies; you know that they breed quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kindly to everyone, an apt teacher, patient, correcting opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant that they will repent and come to know the truth. 2 Timothy 2: 23-25

I Found Out Why I'm Furious!

Just kidding, I'm rarely furious. I do however have a variety of other emotions, which pop up randomly and derail my peace of mind and heart. What do I do when that happens? Well, typically, I look at my calendar to check what time of month it is. Hormones can affect a lot, as many women and the people they are closest to know all too well. (Pro tip: Kindly inform your family members and significant others about when PMS is due for holier and happier relationships.)

But sometimes it isn't about hormones.

Have you ever had something happen to you, something seemingly small, a comment, an interaction, a change in plans, that seem to release a disproportionate flood of emotions?

Okay I realize I'm being too vague. Here are some real life examples.

Auntie: Did you notice that you have pimples on your face? You should try (some home remedy).
Friend: [WAVE OF ANGER that she is able to hold in briefly before venting at me]
Me: Yeah, you know aunties sometimes make personal comments, I'm sure she doesn't realize that it's rude.
Friend (practically in tears): That's not an excuse! What a horrible thing to say! I can't take any more of these rude personal comments about my appearance and my weight!

Some team member or person I'm working with: Hey Sue. We need to talk.
Me: (Outwardly) Okay. Let me know when.
(Inwardly) OVERWHELMING ANXIETY AND FEAR AND OVERTHINKING BEGINS

Someone: (Raises their voice and accuses me of something, unfair or not).
Me: (Shaky mess and shaky voice and internal withdrawal but trying not to show it)

They're called triggers and we all have them. Something someone says or does makes us feel threatened, scared, rejected, abandoned, unsafe, ashamed, embarrassed, alone. Sometimes it's the things someone DOESN'T do that trigger negative emotions. Sometimes it's a mild criticism, an insult, someone's opinion or attitude, sometimes even the expression on someone's face.

Where do these negative emotions come from?

Typically it is connected with some wound from the past. Maybe we experienced rejection and criticism from our parents when we were children (the ones who should have made us feel safe and accepted), and now everything makes us feel rejected and criticized. Maybe we were emotionally or physically abused. Maybe we were in a relationship where we were consistently humiliated and disrespected. It could make us feel touchy and overly sensitive, and hear disrespect everywhere. Sometime we may not even remember the original wound, but that doesn't stop us from experiencing its effects.

So what do we typically do with these emotions?

Some of us run away from the situation or person that has triggered them. It can make our circle smaller and smaller because whenever you get close to people it starts happening.

Some of us blame the other person for MAKING us feel that way. "That is not the way" as we say in India. If only that person had behaved more respectfully, sensitively, I would not be having these emotions.

Some of us allow anger and hurt to harden into resentment as we close ourselves off from the person or people who were involved.

Some of us resort to self-shaming and self-blame and come to the conclusion that we are horrible people in every possible way and we deserve to feel that way.

Some of us just think that this is normal life and losing your temper all the time, or regularly feeling fearful or anxious, or having angry confrontations are just the the side effects of being human.

But I want to let you into a secret that may change everything-

God desires us to maintain our peace of heart no matter what, and if God desires it, then it is possible.

So what do we do with all these trigger and emotions that seems to influence so much of our lives and interactions? How do we rediscover peace of mind and peace of heart?

1. Acknowledge that they exist. We need to be able to have the humility to admit that sometimes our emotions are disproportionate to the situation.* Not everything is someone else's fault. Blaming others is a sure way to never start the healing process, or any kind of change or growth.

2. Accept those emotions without identifying with them. Alright, I'm feeling ashamed. But my emotions are not ME. They are just something I'm experiencing. Now what?

3. Be willing to examine them. 'The unexamined life is not worth living.' I've mentioned the Ignatian particular Examen before, but basically this is what it comes down to - a. Step away from the situation. b. Thank God for three specific things. c. Ask the Holy Spirit to examine the depths of your soul. Ask yourself 'Why am I reacting this way? Does this reflect the truth of the situation?' d. Ask God to help you react differently next time. DO THIS EVERY TIME! Journal about it so you remember.

4. Share your conclusions with a spiritual director and/or someone close to you. We often need someone to help us remember the truth.

5. Ask God for healing from the memories or past trauma or wounds that are affecting your current ability to relate to the world. Forgive the people who have wounded you. Speak the truth and the bible verses that remind you of the truth often. (Very often mine is - "God is God and I am not. I am not in charge of everyone else's happiness, holiness and safety - God is. There is no problem too big for God to handle.")

6. Be patient with yourself. You're not the only one. We are all broken and wounded, and sometimes it takes a while to become whole.

7. Be quick to apologize. Even if your negative emotions and reactions stem from past wounds, they still have the ability to hurt the people around you. And if you're willing to apologize and share what's going on, the people close to you will be able to walk with you and be patient with you when you slip up. They may even be able to try to avoid your triggers.

8. Resolve not to act out of your emotions: Just because you're FEELING angry or defensive or scared or resentful, doesn't mean you need to speak angry or defensive or fearful or resentful words. Take some time to respond if you can't respond well in the moment.

For freedom Christ has set us free. But most of us continue to live in slavery to the lies and wounds of the past. Lent is a time for returning to the Lord with all our hearts. It's not always about something we can do for Christ, but allowing Him to do what He wants to do in us.

*That means sometimes negative emotions are useful - if you really are in danger, your emotions may be an indicator that something is very wrong.

Related Reading and Podcasts

Back to the Basics: Lenses and Triggers - Way of the Heart podcast (only 27 minutes)

How Not to Be an Emotional Wreck All the Time (yeah, so, funny story, I wrote this entire blog post before realizing I wrote a very similar post a few weeks ago. Oh well, if I forgot, maybe you did too.)

Identifying Our Triggers

How Not To Be an Emotional Wreck (All The Time)

Emotions. Can’t live with them, can’t live without them, amirite? I know INTJs have a reputation for being emotionless robots, but that’s far from the truth. And the more I talk to people, I realize everyone seems to be on some kind of emotional roller coaster or the other. I used to think I was a pretty emotionally balanced kind of person, but when I take a look at my prayer journal over the weeks and months, there seems to be an unhealthy proportion of disturbed, anxious, upset to calm, peaceful, balanced and hopeful. So of course I’m talking about negative emotions. I’ve rarely heard anyone complain that they have too many good emotions. “I’m just so joyful and excited all the time, I don’t know how to handle it!” So where do these floods of emotions come from? Why can’t we just all be calm and balanced about everything in our lives all the time?

1. Hormones, baby! Yes, those wonderful chemicals that flood our bodies, and often make some part of our month crazier than the rest (and with pregnancy and menopause it's MONTHS or even YEARS!) Somehow the circumstances may not have changed at all, but our hormones yell at our brain, “EVERYTHING IS SAD AND BAD AND OVERWHELMING! IT IS NOW THE RIGHT TIME TO EVALUATE ALL YOUR LIFE DECISIONS! ALSO PEOPLE ARE INSENSITIVE AND MEAN!”

How to deal with this: Keep track of your cycles, and make a firm commitment not to try to figure out your life during PMS. Also, let the people in your life know that they need to give you a break and cut you some slack for a few days (or months or years). And remind yourself, “This is not reality. This will pass. I just have to wait it out.” Also, chocolate and exercise.

2. Wounds and insecurities: Sometimes someone unknowingly presses a button, makes a passing comment, a mildly critical observation, and we are flooded with an overwhelming rush of anger or hurt or shame or anxiety. It feels HORRIBLE when it happens. It feels like something touching a raw, unhealed, open wound. It’s very often rejection issues, feeling unloved, unwanted and abandoned. It often connects with some childhood experience that has not yet been dealt with or even acknowledged.

How to deal with this: Make a choice not to react in the moment, no matter how tempted you are. Step back and take a little time to conduct a particular Examen. Start by thanking God for three specific ways you have experienced His love recently. Then ask the Holy Spirit to probe your inner self, and reveal your inner motives. “Why am I reacting like this? Is this based on truth? What lie am I believing that is causing me to react like this? Was there some time in my childhood I remember feeling like this? What happened? What is the truth that God speaks to me?” Then ask God for his healing. Be willing to share what God reveals to you to your spouse or a close friend so that they can speak that truth into your life especially when you are struggling to believe it. “God loves you and I love you too. You are NOT alone! You are so beautiful. You are important to ME! Your life IS making a difference. Everything is going to be okay. God’s got this!” Little by little, the truth starts seeping into the deepest parts of our heart, and healing begins. If you can, go for a healing retreat.

3. Tiredness: Somehow tiredness often puts us on edge, and everything gets a LOT more annoying and frustrating.

How to deal with this: Get some sleep! Okay, I know for you parents with young babies that’s easier said than done. But don’t be afraid to ask for help so you can catch up on sleep if that’s possible. And if it’s not babies, rearrange your life so that you get enough rest. It is not somehow holier and more hardworking and responsible to fill your life with so much activity that you are sleep-deprived and grumpy or irritable with all the people in your life. Sometimes the holiest thing to do is to take a nap.

4. Toxic relationships and people in your life: We all have people who can be difficult to live with. Maybe they are constantly criticizing you and your choices, or comparing you with others, or putting you down in subtle or not-so-subtle ways, or bullying you, or manipulating you, or taking advantage of you. Maybe they keep nagging you, or acting passive-aggressive or playing the blame game or using emotional blackmail to get you to do what they want. You land up feeling upset and resentful and bitter every time you have to deal with them.

How to deal with this: Set some boundaries. I have been reading and hearing a lot about a wonderful concept called boundaries. I haven’t read the original book yet, but plan to soon. The basic idea is that you need to clarify to yourself and sometimes to others what you are responsible for and what you are not responsible for, what you can handle and what you can’t handle, how you would like to be treated, and what you are not willing to put up with. In the non-confrontational land of India, this is huge. It means speaking up and kindly but clearly saying “Please don’t talk to me like that. I really don’t like it when you raise your voice. We can talk about it later when you’re calmer.” Or “Please don’t comment about my weight, you probably don’t mean to, but it hurts my feelings.” Or “I wish you wouldn’t compare me with others. I am not my brother/sister/cousin, I have my own set of weaknesses /struggles/desires/plans, and I have to make my own choices.” Or “I know you don’t agree with my decision, but it’s my decision to make.” It means letting yourself know that you are not responsible for everyone else’s emotions or reactions, but only for your own. If people refuse to respect your boundaries, maybe you need to find ways to spend less time with them.

5. Negative environment: Sometimes it isn’t specifically about you, but the people around you just love to keep complaining about how terrible everything is, how every silver lining has a cloud, how everything in your country is going to the dogs, and the world is spiralling to disaster and doom. Or you open your Facebook and that’s what every other post implies too, and everybody’s mad or outraged about something all the time. Emotions are contagious! Try spending a lot of time with an anxious person, and you’ll see. Then do the same with someone who is full of joy and light-hearted jokes and songs, and see what that does for you. I once lived with a bunch of Catholic volunteers and there was always some new ridiculous song that the two men were making up, and the rest of us were constantly in splits. It was a wonderful few months. But that is far from a common experience. Usually it is quite the opposite.

How to deal with this: Change your environment! Try to spend more time with people who are choosing joy, who are peaceful and hopeful. Cut down on that social media time. Seriously, it makes a huge difference! Or replace it with truth-filled media like the Abiding Together podcast. Consciously choose to be the voice of hope and joy whenever you can. Sing a song! Make a joke! Play some music. Create the environment you want to live in! Ask people to share what went well in their day if they are just complaining around the dinner table. Change the topic if it’s going on and on in the same negative circles. Celebrate small victories!

Okay guys, these are obviously foolproof methods to be happy all the time. Not really. Sometimes you just have to accept that negative emotions are a part of your life, a cross you have to carry, and something you can even choose to offer up. That actually makes it a little easier to bear, when you know it’s not your fault, or something that you alone suffer with. We’re all on the same roller coaster, fighting our battles, and apparently mixing our metaphors. What I’m saying is, you can do this! You can survive this minefield of emotions, and even possibly feel joy and peace and hope and excitement more often.

Anything that helps when you're struggling with crazy emotions?

P.S. Please feel free to share this with all the other emotional wrecks in your life!

Related Posts


When You Are in a Dark Place and Can’t Get Out

The Antidotes to Anxiety

What PMS is Really Like

A Melancholic Searches for Joy

The Orphan Spirit

When I was about ten years old, my father forgot to pick me up from piano class. I think this has happened in every big family at least once - a child gets forgotten. Poor parents, trying to keep not only their own schedules, but five children's as well in mind - extra classes, sports, Sunday school, exams, birthday parties - no personal chauffeur could work so hard. I was safely waiting in a housing society that evening, but still I remember the incredulity of thinking, 'Is he just late or has he really forgotten me?' I finally went to a friend's house and phoned home, and my poor father realized he had actually forgotten me.

I have grown up in a pretty secure and happy family (though not perfectly so). But many of us have not. Not all kids know what it is to feel safe in their own homes, to know that when they are in trouble, there is someone who will come rescue them, to know that they can confidently go and ask their parents for what they need, and to know that someone's got their back.

And yet ALL of us seem to struggle with what many Christians call 'an orphan spirit'. It is something within us that tells us there is NO ONE we can fully trust, that we have to look after ourselves, because no one else will. Too many of us live our lives in fear and anxiety, chasing after security, after safety, because we don't feel secure or safe. The orphan spirit is manifested in many ways. Do you often feel alone, abandoned, isolated? Do you worry constantly about your children and those in your care? Do you worry constantly about your future? Do you often focus on wealth and worldly success and financial security as a way to allay that fear?  Do you feel like God is present but not really involved in your daily cares and concerns? Do you feel like there are many problems that God expects you just to figure out yourself and not bother Him with?

I have bad news and good news.

The bad news is there is NOTHING you can do that can ultimately protect you from bad things happening to you. You can do EVERYTHING humanly possible to protect and provide for yourself and your family, and still it can all disappear in a blink of an eye. Scary, huh? All your toiling and striving is in vain.

But here's the good news. YOU ARE NOT AN ORPHAN. You have a Father who is deeply and intimately committed to your well-being. You do NOT have to protect or provide for yourself. You have a Father in heaven who LOVES to provide for His children. God is not just a benevolent being watching from afar. He is so close. And at the heart of our Christian faith is the truth that we have been adopted into His family, and that we are not alone anymore. We are not alienated. He will never abandon us. Any voice that tells you anything different is the voice of the Enemy. That's what he did in the beginning. He spoke to our ancestors with a persuasive voice saying, "Can you REALLY trust Him? Perhaps He does not have your well-being in mind."

Man, tempted by the devil, let his trust in his Creator die in his heart and, abusing his freedom, disobeyed God's command. This is what man's first sin consisted of. All subsequent sin would be disobedience toward God and lack of trust in his goodness. CCC 397

God is trustworthy. That doesn't mean he doesn't expect us to be responsible, to work, to take reasonable precautions, to be faithful to the tasks and people He has entrusted to us. What is does mean is that He wants to set us free from the lie that we are ultimately in charge of our own security. He wants to set us free to live as sons and daughters.

What does that look like? I have met a few people who live like that. You can see in  them a deep sense of security and peace. They have built their life on a firm foundation, a truth that nothing and no one can take away from them. They are free to make counter-cultural choices out of obedience to Christ, and they get to taste the fruits of that obedience. Their choices look different from the rest of the world, because they have different priorities, and they're not scared. Well, maybe they're scared sometimes but they don't let that fear rule them.

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself." Matthew 6: 25 -34

When I live as a child of God, I not only have more peace of mind, but I give God the space to provide for me, to guide me, and to be a Father to me. When I live as an orphan, I am so busy looking after myself that I will not let Him. I have seen Him provide again and again in miraculous ways when I have gone to Him in total abandonment and said, "Daddy, You know what I need. Please take care of me."

“There is absolutely nothing that gives us more peace or does more to make us holy than obeying the will of God.” ― Jean-Pierre de Caussade, Abandonment to Divine Providence

Today's first reading says 'See what love the Father has bestowed on us that we may be called the children of God. Yet so we are. The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him.' 1 John 3: 1

Let us live in the freedom of the children of God. You do not need to be worried or fearful or disturbed. God's got you. You don't have to have everything figured out. God will show you when you need to know. It's not really His style to give too much information in advance. He wants you to clutch His hand, and walk forward trustingly and confidently.

Be not afraid! You are a child of God!

When You Are in a Dark Place and Can’t Get Out

I’ve written a lot about negativity, anxiety and hopelessness. But I feel like it’s time to talk about it some more because I keep meeting or hearing from people who are struggling with this. Naturally upbeat and positive people don’t get it. “Just focus on the positive! If you just try hard enough, you won’t feel this way!” But if you’ve been there you know it’s easier said than done.

I found this entry in my journal from many years ago when I was living in the Philippines-

I’m so confused. I’m so annoyed with myself. Everything seems hazy. I feel like there’s something wrong with me, and I don’t know what it is. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing. I feel like I wasted the whole day, and yet I don’t know what I should have been doing… 

...I feel lost and empty. I’ve been trying to fill myself with food... I feel so unhappy. And I don’t know what to do with this feeling. I feel like there’s nothing I can do to change this feeling. Maybe I need to focus on something other than my own feelings… I feel useless, and incapable of being useful. I want to go home, and yet I know that’s not a solution. I’ve been spending too much money in the past week, so buying something will not help. I slept well last night, and napped in the morning, so sleep won’t help. I used the Internet, and I’m still sad. I spent so much time talking to T, so company isn’t the answer. I don’t have an answer. I even prayed, Lord. 

I’m tired of the Philippines. I’m tired of this life. I want to achieve something, do something purposeful. I’m in a blue funk. That’s it. I even wish I could ignore this feeling by watching a movie and getting involved in some fictional character’s lives… 

…I thought I could make a difference. And yet I know it’s very difficult to make a difference out of the context of relationships… I feel like a failure at relationships, and hence a failure at being a full-timer. Sure, I teach well. But what percentage of my life is spent teaching anyway? What’s the use of having gifts if I don’t use them? I just feel like a failure at life. 

Plus, I have a horrible haircut.

I feel like I’m living in my own dream, and it’s just a dream. I wanted to be a full-timer, I wanted to bring Jesus to people, I wanted to make a difference. And most of the time, I feel like I just don’t have what it takes...

Can I watch a movie so I don’t have to think of this anymore? 

…I need to clean my room. A cluttered room is a sign of a cluttered mind. The thing is, I know my mind is cluttered. My room doesn’t have to tell me that. But maybe one affects the other. 

You know what, Sue? This is just a mood. Moods come and go. This too shall pass. 

Oh my gosh, just re-reading that takes me back to the blackness of despair. It’s happened at other times too, but not usually for extended periods of time. But many of us have been there - just lost, disoriented, hopeless. Everything seems meaningless, our own lives feel empty, and nothing seems to work or make sense. No amount of positive thinking seems to help, and people’s breezy suggestions just seem to rub salt in the wound. It’s like being stuck in a dark miry bog that you just can’t pull yourself out of. It’s easy at those moments to give up hope, to have self-harm or suicidal thoughts. 

Where is this coming from? Well, I’m no psychologist, but I've noticed that for many people, it seems to be the effect of wounds or trauma from the past, things that have not been their fault, but have happened to them.

But it’s more than that. It’s a spiritual darkness too. It is the stark feeling of being cut off from God, cut off from love. It is a lie that has become our reality – that we are alone, forgotten, abandoned. I’ve had nightmares like that. It is the best lie the Enemy can come up with because it is the exact opposite of the Truth - that we are known, loved, seen, cared for, surrounded. ‘O Lord, you have searched me and known me... You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me.’

So what do we do in the midst of this despair?

1. Cry out to the God you cannot feel. The Psalms are full of similar cries – honest and pain-filled cries to heaven. Just voicing your pain is an act of faith. 'Save me, O God, for the waters have come up to my neck. I sink in the miry depths, where there is no foothold. I have come into the deep waters; the floods engulf me. I am worn out calling for help; my throat is parched. My eyes fail, looking for my God.' Psalm 69:1-3 Take time to pray even if all you're doing is crying at the Lord. Journal. If possible, seek out an Adoration chapel where you can do it. Take tissues. It's okay to cry.

2. Go to Confession. Many times the big immovable obstacle blocking us from knowing God is our own sin. It piles up, day by day, and makes us more and more vulnerable to the lies of Satan. The worst depths of darkness I have felt were when I was caught in habitual and serious sin. It sucks the life out of you. So go! Run to Confession. Prioritize as you would emergency surgery. If you need help, ask someone to help you make it happen. Even if you’re in a habitual sin that you are not sure you have the strength to stop, still go! God just asks us for sorrow and repentance, and a willingness to try to get it out of your life. Frequent Confession can HELP you stop sinning. You don’t have to have your act perfectly together before going to Confession. Every time I have gone it has been a dark cloud that lifts, a clarity and peace that returns.

3. Forgive or confront the people involved: Sometimes our darkness comes from unresolved conflicts, or bitterness from the wounds inflicted by others. It may also be because of ongoing toxic relationships. Pray about it, and ask God for the grace to forgive them from the heart. But also go and talk to them. If you try and the relationship is not salvageable, maybe you need to remove yourself from a place of continued wounds.

4. Give yourself a break: Sometimes our most painful wounds are self-inflicted – “Why am I this way? Maybe if I was different I wouldn’t be going through this. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just be happy like everyone else? Maybe if I just worked harder or tried harder. Maybe I made a mistake that brought me to this place.” GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK! You are allowed to be imperfect. You don’t have to have it all together. Very few people do. It’s okay to be struggling. It’s okay to have weaknesses. Be at peace with the struggle. If God can be patient with you, you can be patient with yourself.

5. Speak aloud your foundational truth: Ask God to show you the lie you are most prone to believe – I am no good, the world is all hopeless, God doesn’t really love me, I am alone. And then ask Him to show you the Truth that combats the lie. Pick just one bible verse, and every day say it aloud for 15 minutes. Don’t just think it, or remember it. ACTUALLY SAY IT ALOUD. Yes it sounds crazy, and maybe if anyone overhears they’ll think you’re crazy, but do you want something new or not? You can’t always control your thoughts and feelings, but you have control over your speech. So use the parts of you that you can control. The Word of God has power and can bring real healing. Also, choose to stop talking about why everything is hopeless and horrible.

6. Go outdoors: And leave your devices behind. Go for a walk or a run. Sit on a park bench and look at the trees. Sometimes that’s what you need to get out of your head.

7. Notice your triggers: Write down when you are feeling this darkness- what preceded it? What factors contributed? For me, spending too much time on social media or watching movies, or staying up late plus tiredness always made it much worse. But when I’m in the middle of it, it’s hard to remember that it’s not random, but there are common factors.

8. Notice the things that spark joy: Every time you feel a flash of joy or a time of peace, write down what helped. Ask yourself at the end of the day- Where did I experience God? For me at the moment, it is listening to Bethel, playing with babies, feeling rested, and praise and worship. Prioritize those things! Do something that gives you joy each day even if it’s just for a little while. They are not unimportant because your heart is not unimportant. Also, look for ways to reach out to others - surprisingly that often helps!

9. Get negative music and media out of your life: We become what we consume. Switch it with music that lifts you up and helps you connect with God.

10. Talk to someone: The more we wallow in the darkness of our own thoughts, the easier it is to start believing they are true. Reach out for help! Ask a Christian if you can come talk to them, if you can regularly meet with them. If you have no people around, plan regular (even daily if necessary) video chats with people who will listen to you, but are unafraid to speak the truth joyfully and clearly and again and again. (Don’t talk to people who drag you further down.)

11. Seek professional help: If you’ve tried it all and this darkness and despair is unchanging and unshakeable, it may be time to seek out counselling or therapy. There are helplines available, you can look online for something accessible. Don’t be embarrassed. I know many people who have struggled with depression at certain times of their life, and sometimes have needed medication to help them for a time. It doesn’t make you a failure to seek help when you need it.

12. Remind yourself that this is not forever: I know it FEELS like it is forever when you’re in the middle of it, but I promise it isn’t! You will feel happy again! You will be at peace one day! This too shall pass. It’s going to get better! There is HOPE!

Where can I go from your spirit? Or where can I flee from your presence? If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light around me become night,” even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is as bright as the day, for darkness is as light to you.

Psalm 139: 7, 11-12

I am praying for you all. Feel free to reach out if you need prayers for a specific situation.

Related Reading 

A Melancholic Searches for Joy 

The Antidotes to Anxiety 

The Poison We All Breathe 

My Experiences With Anxiety and Peace

New Year's Resolutions for the Motivationally Challenged

If My Friends and I Were Mary and Elizabeth at the Visitation…

In those days Sue set out after procrastinating for a few weeks, obsessively checking ‘what to expect in your first trimester of pregnancy’, and (over) packing her bags accordingly. She got to the house of Zechariah, and before she could even greet Elizabeth, she flopped into a chair, and exclaimed, 

“Oh my gosh, girl, have you any idea how bad the roads to Judea are? My legs are killing me!” 

“I know exactly what you mean! Man, pregnancy at my age!” 

“Which is SO cool by the way!” 

“I KNOW, right?! God is good! Who could have imagined! You should hear all the other old cats talking about it, I’m the talk of the town.” 

“Oh yeah, people love to gossip. At least you’re MARRIED! I thank God for Joseph – he has been a GEM, so discreet. But let’s get down to business. I need some tips for the morning sickness! And is it normal to have cramps? What has it been like for you?” 

“Well- OH!” “What? What happened?” 

“Oh my gosh, put your hand here! Can you feel that? Baby just jumped for joy! I think he KNOWS!” 

“WOW! So exciting. And yet.. so scary! What lies ahead? Where am I going to give birth? I hope my mum will be there. Can this baby really be… the son of God? I mean, I know it’s true, but it feels so unreal! How am I supposed to figure this all out? It’s not like angels come visit me every day, telling me what the next step is! And Joseph has been so great, but I’m sure he has the same questions too. I’m sure he thinks I’ve got it all figured out… but I really don’t! Why wouldn’t Gabriel give me a slightly more detailed plan? Maybe even a five year plan. How am I supposed to mother GOD? Does that even make sense? Do you think God accidentally picked the wrong person? Maybe Gabriel was supposed to appear to my neighbour, Miriam- there's a nice, composed, holy girl for you. Gaaah! These hormones are making me crazy! Or maybe that's just me. I love my sweet tiny baby already, but how can it be, that I can be so protective of my Protector? How come I’m in charge of this tiny human?” 

“You know, Sue, technically, God is still in charge.” 

“I KNOW. But STILL. He seems to expect a lot of me. He definitely seems to trust me more than I trust me.” 

“I often feel the same way. You know, Zechariah STILL can’t speak? I know something crazy happened that day in the temple, and he has been so tender and reverent since that day. But he can’t speak! Why would God have cursed him and blessed me? How does that even make sense? What if he never speaks again? What if our child never hears his father’s voice?” 

“Life is pretty confusing sometimes. I suppose God will work it all out. Anyway… is it okay if I take a nap now?” 

Yeah, so I noticed when I was reading Luke's account of the Visitation just how different my approach to life is from Mary’s. Basically, no matter how great the blessings, I will still land up talking about all the challenges, the potential struggles, the doubts and questions, the anxiety I feel, and the many, many things that could go wrong. Of course, it is good to be honest.

BUT like Mary and Elizabeth, I think I would like to spend a little more time and focus on just reveling in the Lord’s goodness, remembering the good things He has already done, and entrusting the unknown future to Him. It's a little less melodramatic and leaves less room for self-pity. It may be less funny than humorous re-tellings of my mishaps and trials. It may take a conscious act of the will to change the obsessive, overthinking habits of years. But sometimes I just need to stay in the moment and sing my own Magnificat.

How Do You Feel When You Make a Mistake?

If your answer is, “Guilty, ashamed, furious with myself, embarrassed, like I want to sink into the ground,” you may be one of the many people trained into an unhealthy fear of mistakes by perfectionist parents and teachers from the time you were little.

I started teaching reading in a school last week. Kids who struggle with reading are sent to me and my team mate, and we work with some as a group and some one on one. One of the things I’ve noticed again and again is that students in the Indian system have been trained to fear failure and to mock those who fail. They’re not bad kids. But the instant someone mispronounces a word or makes a mistake, the whole group explodes into giggles. They’re not trying to be mean. It’s a habit that is hard to break, because they’ve seen it, heard it and done it since they were tiny.

When I was in school, every year there were a few students who were held back and made to repeat the year because they had failed their exams. You know what we called them? I cringe as I recall what seemed like a normal label then: ‘Failures.’ I don’t mean that the students made up that name. No, the teachers referred to them as ‘failures’. They were treated with contempt and disdain. It seemed like the most humiliating thing that could happen to one was to repeat the year. Those kids stuck to themselves, and accepted the treatment because we all thought that was normal.

When I was 23 I started teaching eight year olds in a village school (yes, third school story in a row). I thought I was a pretty good teacher. But to my shock, I found that I was doing the same thing- having unrealistically high expectations, and then getting annoyed with the kids when they couldn’t meet them. One day I decided to do some painting with them for the first time. I prepared well. But of course they were EIGHT YEAR OLDS PAINTING FOR THE FIRST TIME. Messes and imperfection was bound to happen. And yet I found myself annoyed! That was one of my wake-up calls.

The other was the surprise I felt when I saw parents of young children who had dropped or broken something. Not a word of rebuke did I hear. Instead they were reassuring and quickly said, “It’s okay. Let me get something to clean it up.” The fact is, I had rarely ever seen mistakes treated with such calmness and kindness.

How do we usually treat people when they make mistakes?

1. Blame them: The first response is that it is always someone’s fault. It is such an automatic response.

2. Rub it in: Point it out, remind people that they need to be more careful, and that they should have listened to us.

3. Dramatize it: Make it a bigger deal than it actually is, like it points to some character flaw or is a prophetic sign of the person’s future.

4. Bring up the past: Remind them of all the times they made mistakes in the past.

5. Wash our hands off them: They made their bed, now they must lie in it.

6. Judge them: Disapprovingly analyze the person and their actions, while smugly feeling like WE would never do such a thing.

Can we please stop? So what if that’s what your parents did to you? It is NOT helpful, holy or kind. Mistakes are NOT sins. Mistakes are not the end of the world. In fact, being willing to make mistakes and fail is a healthy and good thing. Accepting someone’s mistakes doesn’t mean giving them permission to be sloppy or careless or thoughtless. It’s just saying, “Okay, this happened. Now what?” You know what happens when we are afraid to make mistakes, or when we train the people around us to be afraid of mistakes?

You get people suffering from anxiety and depression as they hold themselves up to unrealistic expectation of themselves and constantly feel like they are never good enough. You get students committing suicide when they fail their exams. You get people who never try anything new because anything new requires a risk and a risk implies potential failure. You get people more focussed on not failing than on growing. Or you get people who just give up on trying and hoping. And you get harsh, judgmental and impatient people who impose the same standards on their children and spouses and coworkers.

If we want something different, we have to do something different. If we want to get over our unhealthy fear of mistakes, we need to train ourselves to respond differently.

1. Practise saying, “It’s okay to make mistakes.” Find that hard, don’t you? That’s exactly why you need to practise it.

2. The next time someone makes a mistake or fails, hold your tongue. Bite back the words of blame or correction or even advice. Most times when someone makes a mistake, they ALREADY KNOW. They’re already embarrassed and upset.

3. Instead ask “Are you okay? How can I help?” Whether it’s a broken cup or a broken heart, people need help picking up the pieces. They need to know there are people who are on their side as they try again.

4. Tell them “It’s not that bad.” No matter how bad a mistake is, there is always hope.

5. If you are in a position of authority over them, and you do need to correct them, do it gently and help them find a way to move forward. Show them you haven’t given up on them. Yup, that does need a great deal of patience. Anger almost never helps people change.

6. If you are the one who has made the mistake, follow all the steps above. Every time I make a mistake, I tell myself, “Well, at least I learned something.” If it involves money, I tell myself, "Well, I just paid for a lesson." :-)

How should you feel when you make a mistake? Hopefully, after the first moment of frustration, just acceptance, humility, and a desire and willingness to try again.