Seven Conversations To Have Before Deciding to Marry Someone

"True Words"by pxlline is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

As you might have noticed, I love giving romance and relationship advice, despite the fact that I entered my first and only relationship at the wise and mature age of 32. Does that stop me? No way! I have written about arranged marriages, stages of a relationship, reasons to get married, what not to look for in an Indian spouse, and a lot more.

I currently have a few friends who are in serious relationships. They are intentionally trying to get to know the other person in order to discern whether or not God is calling them to a lifelong commitment. 

The thing is, it's hard to REALLY get to know someone, especially when you don't have good guidance, tools, or anyone walking you through the process. Ideally, it would be good to have a spiritual director or mentor who you can talk to about your discernment. But sometimes those people may not themselves have a good idea of what to ask. "Is he a good boy? No bad habits? God-fearing? Well-settled? Go for it! You can't wait forever!" That's not very helpful. 

So here a few ideas for topics to broach before you make that final decision:

1. Do you or have you ever struggled with pornography use or any kind of sexual sin? How long ago? Are you trying to stop, and how can I support you in this? Not exactly first date conversation starters, but it needs to be talked about once you are getting serious. These are the kind of things that you must talk about honestly, or it will come up and sabotage your relationship*. You need to be honest about your own struggles too. 

Red flags: Behaving as if porn and masturbation are no big deal, no real repentance, being disgusted or repelled by hearing about your struggles with sin.

2. If you had to choose between your parents' wishes and mine, which would you choose? In India, this question seems almost unfair. Why should you make someone choose between their parents and you? It doesn't have to be one or the other, does it?

Well, it kind of does, to some extent. In the bible it says, 'Therefore a man shall leave his mother and father, and be united to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.' (Eph 5:31) There is a necessary leaving (emotional and often physical) that must happen in order for a new unit and family to be created.

This isn't easy for either man or woman who are attached to their parents and family and childhood home. It isn't easy for the parents either. But we have seen what happens when this leaving doesn't happen. Marriages are torn apart by divided loyalties, by men unwilling to stand up to their parents, or women who run home to mama every time they're having a fight. This does NOT mean it's ever okay to treat one's parents with disrespect. 

Red flags: Expecting you to 'adjust' every time the parents ask or expect something, ignoring your reservations or boundaries

3. Are you willing to care for my parents if and when they are old, sick, or need us? This is the flip side to the same question, and not something everyone thinks about in the midst of romance and dating. Making a lifelong commitment to someone means helping them carry their burdens, sharing their struggles and difficulties and responsibilities in life too. This goes for both sets of parents. 

Red flags: Avoiding answering the question, assuming someone else will do it or it won't be necessary.

4. Do you tend towards depression, anxiety, anger, suicidal thoughts, isolation, or anything else that affects your normal functioning and relationships? How bad has it been? Have you been through any major trauma in your life? How have you been dealing with it? Are you open to going to counselling? Some of these things may have come up already, you may have seen signs of it. Most people do or will struggle with one or other of these things to some extent. There is no shame in having struggles. The problem is when people are not willing to get the help they need. 

Red flags: Denying there is a problem, blaming everyone else, thinking counselling is not for them. On the flip side, telling you to be positive or just get over it when you share your ongoing struggles

5. Do you have other healthy friendships and relationships in your life? Does the other person have friends who they are able to talk to about deep stuff? Do they have mentor figures in their life? Are they open to advice and correction? If you are their everything, you will have no support system when the two of you have problems. 

Red flags: Having no friends, unwilling to seek out friends or mentors

6. Do you have any disordered attachments or addictions? How do you deal with them? It could be anything from being unable to go a few seconds without checking the phone, addictions to food, shopping, staying up late, being a workaholic, being a control freak or obsessive about cleanliness. It could be needing to constantly buy the latest phone, motorcycle or fashion styles. It could be video games, all-night DOTA sessions, constant Netflix binges.

There's nothing wrong with hobbies, leisure activities or enjoying the good things in life. But you will know it is an unhealthy attachment if your partner CAN'T do without it, gets angry or irritable if he or she can't have it, or if it regularly interferes with their normal duties and responsibilities, and with their relationship with you and with God.

Red flags: Refusal to acknowledge an attachment is out of control, or needs to be worked on, no plan to grow in this area

7. Do you have a prayer life? This goes beyond being 'god-fearing', willing to go to Mass, and fulfill basic obligations. It goes beyond praying the Rosary every day too, even thought that is a good practice. When the storms of life come, and they will, you both need to be rooted in something bigger than yourself.

God is the firmest foundation for a marriage, and the best way to build your life on that foundation is by setting aside time to seek Him every day. It is in honest regular daily prayer that God convicts, guides, strengthens, heals, and does the work in our partner that we cannot do. It doesn't mean that we have the 'perfect' prayer life, but that both are willing to make it a priority.

Red flags: Unwillingness to commit to prayer, suggestion that you can be the 'spiritual' one in the relationship

What other crucial conversations would you advise dating couples to have?

*Check out Fight The New Drug for more information about why pornography use hurts relationships.

Ask Sue: What is Flirting and When Is It Okay?

A few months ago I wrote a series of posts about The Stages of a Relationship. In The Dating Stage, I wrote, "Important tip to people who take themselves too seriously - please don't forget to be lighthearted, kid around, flirt and pay compliments. This is not a set of serious job interviews you have to get through. You want to see if you can fall in love with each other, and that's part of figuring that out."

Someone texted me to ask: "What exactly do you mean by flirting? In one of your posts you seem to convey that it is okay to flirt... but flirting is suggestive language. How can that be okay? Just wanted clarification."

Great question!

Flirting can mean different things to different people and probably in different cultures (even within the same country). When I talk about flirting, I refer to the most generally accepted meaning: 'playfully indicating attraction to someone'. How do you flirt? You usually know it when you see it.

Well, usually.

But there's some flirting that can be obviously inappropriate if your goal is chastity and holiness.

Chaste flirting: Paying special attention to someone, making personal comments about their appearance, hinting at romantic interest, creating and using inside jokes, drawing physically closer, playfully creating and drawing the other person into an intimate world where only the two of you can dwell. We see it happening all the time. Two coworkers always taking breaks together, a guy and a girl giggling together at youth group, someone going on checking their texts with a silly smile on their face.

Lewd flirting: Sexually suggestive comments or jokes, hinting at or suggesting sexual favors or a sexual relationship, complimenting someone's body, touching in a sexual way. This is never okay (outside of marriage), and can often verge on sexual harassment. I don't know why this has become so normalized, but I'm here to say: THIS IS NOT NORMAL OR HEALTHY. No wonder some men are confused about how to flirt with or relate to women after the #metoo movement happened. It's because their idea of flirting was already sexual and suggestive. Unfortunately too many women play along. (This also happens with women being the initiators, and guys given no socially acceptable way to reject them.)

Just plain dumb or gross flirting: Strange guys sending messages that say 'Hi sexy, wanna make frandship with me?' Most Bollywood style stalking, wolf-whistling, singing songs and over the top grand gestures or expensive gifts. I think many men in India need classes on how to pursue women if they think that is flirting.

So, let's say that lewd and dumb/gross flirting is never okay. Is flirting okay otherwise?

Like most things, context matters.

So when when is it a BAD idea to flirt with someone?

1. When you have no serious intention of following through: Flirting is sending a signal that you are interested in something more. If you flirt without having that interest or intention, then you are being dishonest, and can and will land up hurting a great many people.

2. When you are just trying to get some validation: Time for some honest reflection. Ask yourself "Why am I flirting?" If it is primarily to get that feel-good buzz, to make yourself feel like you are important or powerful or beautiful or attractive, or you want other people to think you are, then you are guilty of USING another human being instead of treating them with respect. No one deserves to be used like that, and people don't exist just to validate you or make you look good.

3. When you are in a relationship with someone else: Seems fairly self-evident, but to some people, it's hard to get out of the habit. Maybe you need to go on a flirting fast (even if you're single), to learn how to relate to people in a healthier way.

4. When the other person is in a relationship with someone else: Do I really need to say this? In case you're not sure, flirting is never just 'harmless fun'. Cut it off before it gets worse. If you'd prefer people not to flirt with your significant other, then make sure you are never that person. That goes for flirting with seminarians or priests too. Yes, it happens, and it's never okay, so please stop.

5. When the other person has shown they are not interested: Flirting can turn into throwing yourself at someone if you keep going when they don't respond. Take the hint, maintain your self-respect, and move on. And DON'T drunk-text, or drunk-flirt, or hang out with friends who encourage you to do stupid stuff like that. You're made for more.

When is it a GOOD idea to flirt with someone?

1. When you are interested in something more, and want to test the waters: If you are genuinely interested in someone, in a place where you are able to start a relationship, and you want to know if they are even a little interested before you ask them out, go ahead and flirt a little.

2. When you are dating someone or in a relationship or discerning marriage: Some religious people take themselves a little too seriously. Sometimes couples are trying so hard to be intentional and holy, that they forget that romance can also be holy. And when you're dating someone or discerning marriage, that is a great time to show that you're attracted to them. You can't (or shouldn't be) impersonal about something as personal as marriage. If my now-fiance hadn't flirted with me when we were dating and courting, I probably wouldn't have fallen head over heels in love with him and decided to marry him.

Obviously there is so much more to discernment than attraction and flirting, but it has a significant role to play. "Can I play with you? Are you attracted to me? Can we have fun together?" All of those questions are answered (one way or another) when you flirt, more than when you talk about serious topics.

3. When you are married: Sometimes in arranged marriages, and even in love marriages (as they're known in India), couples forget that they still need to show their spouse they're still attracted to them. There are too many jokes and references to 'the end of the honeymoon phase' as though all of the attraction and romance and fun are strictly reserved for courtship and the first few months of marriage.


via GIPHY

But you have a choice to keep the romance alive. I overheard my dad once instructing members of his men's group on the phone, "Buy her a gift for Valentine's day! Make a card! Do something special!" Maybe some people need to be reminded (especially men?), but flirting with your wife can be a great way to keep your marriage healthy. And hey, marriage is a great place for PRIVATE sexual jokes and intimacy. God has given the beautiful gift of sexual intimacy to enrich and nourish a marriage, why waste that gift or act like it's the domain of the unmarried or the unchaste?

In conclusion, if you are the kind of person to whom flirting is second-nature, maybe you need to work on relating to people as people, not objects of your romantic interest or manipulation. When you learn how to have fun or interesting conversations with people that are very obviously NOT flirtatious in nature, then when you DO choose to flirt, it means a lot more. Girls don't take guys who flirt easily or a lot very seriously, and I assume it's true the other way too.

But if you are the kind of person who is very serious or logical or intentional or cautious, don't forget that there is a right time for playfulness and flirtation and fun.

If you are not sure which one you need to work on, talk to the most sensible and well-balanced of your close friends, or a mentor that knows you in real life for their honest opinion. You may not like what they have to say, but you probably need to hear it anyway.

Have a question for me? Leave a comment or email me on solosenilejive@gmail.com and I'll try to answer it in my Ask Sue blog posts. 

Related Reading

Guys, Stop Texting Girls! And Other Super Helpful Advice for the 'Good' Guys 

How (and Why) Not To Fall in Love 

Why and How to Crush-Proof Your Heart


If you enjoyed this blog post, consider becoming a patron for just Rs 100 or $1 a month. Patrons receive a weekly behind-the-scenes video made by me! Email me on solosenilejive@gmail.com or visit my Patreon page to become a patron.

Relationships Stage 5: Intentional Discernment or Courtship

Continuing the Stages of a Relationship series.
Stage 1: Fall in Love with Jesus
Stage 2: The Search
Stage 3: The 'Talking' Stage
Stage 4: The Dating Stage

Stage 5: Intentional Discernment or Courtship

It's time, guys. Time to step out in faith and invite this woman to discern marriage with you. No, it's still not a proposal. It's not even a declaration of love. Does it all sound too religious and stuffy? Or too long drawn out? Here's why this stage is so good and necessary:

- Courtship is drawing nearer to each other, opening yourself up to another person and letting them in. It is a romantic relationship, but one based not just on what feels good in the moment, but on a real desire to know the other well. You are asking yourself and God "Is this the one I can give myself to?" You can't do that without stepping in, and taking a risk with your heart. You have to wet your feet before diving all the way in.

- What do you do during courtship? Well, make sure you are spending plenty of time with each other, in different kinds of settings. If it's possible, spend time with each other's families, and doing different kinds of activities together. (This is a little more difficult when it's a long distance relationship as mine was and is.)

- The community I grew up with has a set of modules, questions on different kinds of topics to make sure y'all are covering all the important stuff. You need to make sure you are talking about your attitudes and plans about how and where you want to live, your career plans, your relationship with your family, whether you are open to two working spouses or hope that one will be the primary homemaker, whether you are open to a joint family or not, your spending habits, and the roles you think husbands and wives should take on, how much your faith influences you, how many kids you are open to having, what family life looks like to you, whether you agree with EVERYTHING the Catholic Church teaches, or think some stuff is optional, etc.

- Soak this time with prayer. Pray for your boyfriend or girlfriend, and pray with them too. Go to Adoration and Mass together. Talk about your faith and how it has grown.

- Set good boundaries for yourselves for how you want to show physical affection, and stay within those boundaries. If you know you're straying close to temptation, take a step back. It's good to show affection though! Get to know each other's love languages, and use them.

- My now-fiance and I decided we also wanted to spend time with other Christian couples that we respected. With the long-distance aspect, we only managed to have that time with one couple, but it was wonderful. We asked them questions about their relationship and family life, how their faith played into their decisions, and their honest answers helped us a lot.

- It is a very good idea to have a spiritual director, or even just a wise person we can each talk to about how the courtship is going. This should be a person we can be honest with, who knows our weaknesses and know how discernment works, and who is able to challenge us, encourage us, ask us hard questions, and pray for us through it all. I had a few GOOD conversations with my spiritual director, a young Catholic wife and mother, and her counsel was invaluable to me. One of my friends does an informal courtship guidance for young couples in relationships.

- We also decided to take separate silent retreats to hold up everything we were thinking and feeling to the Lord, and see whether it measured up to the kind of love He was calling us to. In silence and in prayer, the Lord was able to guide our hearts.

- I highly recommend reading JP2's Love and Responsibility. I had so many questions about what love is, how I could know if it was real, and what the difference between being in love and loving someone was (if it's just about choosing to love someone, then you could marry practically anyone and make it work. But if it's about a feeling, well, feelings fluctuate. So how does it all work together?) JP2 gave me the clarity that I was looking for.

- Even though this time is the right time to grow closer to one another, I would recommend waiting until you are very sure you want to marry this person before talking about love. Why? Because love ISN'T just based on the emotion of the moment. It has to be a deep assurance that this is it, this is the person you have chosen. Once you have used the L word, it's game over. Or it should be. When it used without that firm decision, it is very easy to hurt the other person.

- Courtship is a great time to let yourself fall in love. No, I'm not talking about manufacturing emotions, or faking it in any way. But many of us who have been guarding our hearts need to remind ourselves it's okay to slowly let our guard down.

- Guys, it is so wonderful for us women when you take the lead, when you choose to woo us. Sometimes (often), it takes our hearts a little longer to respond, but they slowly do when you are confident and assured and eager. Look at us with love. Tell us we are beautiful. Tell us how you feel. Hold our hands. But don't fake it! If you're not sure, don't do any of that stuff!

- A successful courtship is not necessarily one that ends in marriage. A successful discernment is when you have figured out whether or not this is the right person for you. This means it is possible for one or either of you to reach a place where you 'discern out', and let the other person know (after sufficient prayer and counsel) that you do not feel called to marriage with them. Ouch. Yes, it will hurt. But you will recover. (Especially if you did not skip Stage 1.)

- How long should a courtship take? Some say no longer than six months. It may differ for different people. But it is wise not to let it go on too long. For me and J, we were both sure a month and a half into our courtship, after just knowing each other four months.

- Be honest with each other about where you are, if you have concerns or questions NOW is the time to voice them. Don't be afraid to go there, and don't avoid tough topics because you're afraid it will upset things. How you deal with tough topics will prepare you for a life together.

When you are both ready and sure, it's time to move on.. to the proposal and the engagement stage. I have JUST started that stage, and so you may have to wait a little longer to hear my sage words of advice on how to survive and thrive that stage (that is, if I survive it).

Relationships can be confusing and painful when we don't think them through and stumble blindly through them guided only by the wisdom of an even more confused and misleading world, and our own fallen desires. But relationships built on more solid foundations, guided by prudence, virtue and an openness to the Holy Spirit can be beautiful and good and freeing. I pray for you all to have holy relationships.

Feel free to send in any questions or ideas for related blog posts!

Related Reading

How to Love Well

How (and Why) Not To Fall in Love

What To Do When Things Don't Go Your Way

If you enjoyed this series of blog posts, consider becoming a patron for just Rs 100 or $1 a month. Patrons receive a weekly behind-the-scenes video made by me! Email me on solosenilejive@gmail.com or visit my Patreon page to become a patron.

Relationships Stage 4: The Dating Stage

Continuing the Stages of a Relationship series.
Stage 1: Fall in Love with Jesus
Stage 2: The Search
Stage 3: The 'Talking' Stage

Stage Four: The Dating Stage

At some point, someone has to get to the point. Guys, be bold! Don't drift! Take the initiative and say, "Hey, I would love to get to know you better, and see if the Lord has something more for the two of us. Can I take you out for coffee sometime?" Girls, feel free to ask what's going on if it's dragging on too long.

- PLEASE keep in mind that going on a date is not equal to proposing or accepting marriage. Girls, if a guy asks you out, it doesn't mean he's madly in love with you. Guys, if a girl says yes, she is just saying, "Yeah, you seem nice. Let's see if there's something here."

Don't do that

- When you go on a date, be real, be yourself and don't feel the need to be anything or anyone else. If the other person doesn't like the real you, great, you've weeded out the wrong ones.

- If you're a little nervous about going on a date, look up some good conversational starters and date questions. Ask good questions, most people love to talk about themselves and it gives you a glimpse of who they are.

- Remember that it's a conversation, not a monologue! If you find yourself going on and on, stop and say, "Sorry, I'm talking too much.. Would YOU rather die by drowning or being buried alive?" (the 'would you rather' game, always a winner :))

- You don't need to spend the whole date figuring out if you've found 'the one' or if you have romantic feelings for this person. You just need to figure out if you like this person enough to want to meet them again. That was the best advice I received about first dates. A friend told me, "When you go on a date, it's either a yes, a no, or a maybe. If it's a maybe, go on another date, and another until it becomes clear." When I met my (now) fiancé, we got on like a house on fire, it was super-easy to talk to him and be myself with him. I didn't know if there was anything more yet, but I knew I wanted to see him again. And so we planned another date.

- Be clear about where you are. After I went on both my Catholic Match dates, the guys texted the next day to ask, "So, what do you think? Would you like to meet again?" I was very grateful that they asked so directly, and I was able to respond as directly (while trying to be gentle), "I don't really see this going anywhere, but thank you for asking me out and coming all the way to meet me." With my now-fiancé, I told him, "I don't know for sure if this is going anywhere yet, but I'd like to continue going on dates, so we can get to know each other better." He told me to take my time until I was sure, so that's what we continued doing for a month.

- Going on dates is not the same as being in a relationship. But you need to have honest conversations so that you both understand that. Unfortunately in India we don't always have a common understanding about these things, or we are used to a system where our parents or a third party has those hard conversations. But I think that's something Indians can afford to grow in - having direct conversations about the things that matter, and avoiding misunderstandings and hurt feelings. It is a way to treat the other person with respect.

- Casual dating is a good place to ask deeper questions, to find out where the other person stands on the things that matter the most to you. But it's also a good place to have fun together, to see if you actually like spending time together. This is probably NOT a good time to be too intimate though, because this is still an uncommitted time, and this person still may be just a person you once dated. You don't need to talk about love, hold hands or get ahead of the stage you are at.

- Important tip to people who take themselves too seriously - please don't forget to be lighthearted, kid around, flirt and pay compliments. This is not a set of serious job interviews you have to get through. You want to see if you can fall in love with each other, and that's part of figuring that out.

- The casual dating stage is not purposeless or random. The point is to see if you are interested enough to want to seriously discern marriage with this person. That means at a certain point you need to decide if you want to enter the next stage.

Stage 5: Intentional Discernment or Courtship

Related Reading

On Vocations, Discernment and Asking Girls on Dates

The Lost Art of Listening

Relationships Stage 3: The 'Talking' Stage

Continuing the Stages of a Relationship series.
Stage 1: Fall in Love with Jesus
Stage 2: The Search

Stage Three: The Talking Stage

"So, are you guys dating?"

"No, we're just talking."

What does that even mean? It's that pre-dating ritual where a guy and a girl start talking one-on-one, which usually means texting or Facebook messaging or whatever newfangled thing this generation is into. Oh, for the days when talking actually meant talking! Just kidding, I never lived in those days.

The talking stage is just a getting to know you stage, where you can talk about everything and anything, you can be flirtatious, but you've not yet expressed an overt interest or intention. The talking stage is not a bad one, because you DO need to get to know someone a bit before knowing if you even want to date them.

Some people are able to skip this stage somewhat by ACTUALLY talking in group settings, when they have common friend circles, and there are normal and natural ways to get to know each other in neutral settings, to hang out and kid around and even have real conversations. I am a big fan of casual hangouts, but someone has to organize them, and then you have to use them well.

So, some 'talking' guidelines:

- Start intentional conversations with someone you find interesting.

- If you have an excuse to text them, go for it. "Here's a link to that thing we were talking about earlier."

- BUT if they don't respond, or answer in monosyllables, let it go. Please. If you're always the one starting the conversations, step back.

- Don't get too personal too fast. Ask good questions, listen well, but don't share too much of your heart. Guard your heart. Talking doesn't mean anything until intentions are clearly stated.

- Guarding your heart doesn't mean that you need to be overly clinical or detached or closed. It just means setting good boundaries, not making assumptions, and remembering that you may very well move on, and that this person that you are sharing information with could one day just be 'somebody that you used to know'.

- Don't start 'talking' with someone unless you really are interested in something more. RANT ALERT: Too many people get very emotionally involved without having seriously thought about whether they are really ready for something more. Flirting is only okay if it means something. So many broken hearts, hurt feelings, painful disappointments when people are not intentional about these kind of conversations. Also, once you get in the habit of texting someone, it's hard to break even when you know you are not seriously interested. Every time you're lonely, it's tempting to start it up again, just for a little attention. When you get stuck in a cycle like that, you're not going to be ready for the right person when he or she DOES come along, and you are not going to be able to live the life God has given you to live.

- Don't 'talk' with more than one person at a time.

- If someone is trying to 'talk' to you, and you're not really interested, don't go on responding to their messages. In the long run, it is better to be clear and blunt than to lead someone on. "Yeah she said she's not interested, but she's still texting back, so who knows?"

- Don't overdo the time and duration of these texting or phone conversations - if it's all day every day over a few weeks, it's probably time to move to the next stage. Actually the sooner it moves to the next stage, the better. Being intentional is the key! And nothing can beat real life in person dates. You get an actual feel for the person which rapport via texting and calls can hint at but may not lead to.

Alright, time for Stage Four: The Dating Stage

Related Reading

Guys, Stop Texting Girls! And Other Super Helpful Advice for the 'Good' Guys

Relationships Stage 2: The Search

Continuing the Stages of a Relationship series.

Stage 1: Fall in Love with Jesus

Stage Two: The Search

When you feel that you are in a good place, ready for a relationship but not desperate for it, ask God to guide the search. There are so many ways to go about it. Whatever ways you use, don't put all your hopes into the search working the way you thought it would. The easiest way to mess it up is by giving God a timeline.

Did you know, I planned to get married in my early twenties, and have a bunch of kids by now? I thought I was so counter-cultural. But God had a pretty cool plan of His own, which involved me having a number of adventures, working in a an office, teaching in a village, doing eight years of mission work, travelling to different countries, serving the poor, growing happier and more confident and more peaceful over the years.. and THEN meeting my sweetheart at the ripe old age of 32. Who knew? Well, God did.

So how to go about this search?

- Be faithful to the work, the relationships and the mission God has currently entrusted to you. Live in the present moment, or you will miss the gifts of the present moment.
- Start praying for the Lord to guide your steps.
- Ask good leaders in your life if they think you are ready, and if they have any advice on areas you could work on to be more ready.
- Let friends know you're open to meeting someone, and that they are allowed to set you up. If someone DOES try to set you up, go ahead and meet the person.
- Prepare yourself mentally to meet people who it may not work out with.
- Take a risk - go out of your comfort zone. You can't meet someone if you're not willing to talk to new people. I joined Catholic Match and went on a couple of dates, one in the US, which for cautious over-thinker Sue was quite the feat. Nether worked out, but I didn't care because I had overcome my fears.

- Don't worry about other people's opinions. Welcome to India, where everyone has an opinion, and isn't afraid to share it with you. If you want to go for a 'meet eligible singles' event, that's your business.
- Make sure you know what you're looking for before you go looking. Don't expect or look for someone who is perfect, but someone who has the big stuff in place - faith, integrity, maturity, etc.
- Be the kind of person you want to date.
- Be willing to be friendly and interested in new people you meet.
- Say yes to opportunities to meet new people. Go with a willingness to make friends, not just search for 'the one'.
- Don't write someone off just because you aren't immediately attracted to them.
- If you've been doing all this stuff and still haven't met anyone, don't worry about it. It doesn't mean you are doing something wrong or you haven't tried hard enough which is what I think many people try to imply. Yay for interfering busybodies!

- If you don't meet someone, be at peace, it may not be the right time yet. Last April I was talking to a young couple who I respect a lot, and the husband asked me. "So Susanna, what has been the subject of your prayer recently?" And because I am a sharer and like to dive right in, and because they are good enough friends that I could be honest with them, I told them "Being single!" He looked at me and said, "That's not good. While it's good to pray about it, at a certain stage you need to let it go and tell the Lord, 'However You work it out is fine.'" He spoke from experience, and I agree with him. Do what you can do, but stop obsessing.
- If you DO meet someone who seems interesting and interested, move on to the next stage.

Stage 3: The 'Talking Stage' 

Related Reading

What Not To Look For in an Indian Spouse

A Catholic Perspective on Arranged Marriages

The Different Stages of a Relationship - Stage 1: Fall in Love with Jesus

Why yes, it is your local Relationship Guru back in town, willing and eager to spill all her pearls of wisdom into the ears of all 145 audience members. My qualifications? Well, I've been single for over thirty years, briefly had a boyfriend for all of three and a half months, and am now engaged to said boyfriend (yes guys, that WAS an engagement announcement, I wasn't even trying to be sneaky or anything).

So my relationship advice is built more on my fifteen years of thinking, researching, observing, reading, comparing and hearing about the mistakes and wisdom of other couples (more commonly mistakes though). So feel free to take it with a pinch of salt.

Stage One: Fall in Love with Jesus (DO NOT SKIP)

Start a relationship with Jesus. Until you know who you are in Him, you will not be ready to enter a relationship with another human being freely and whole-heartedly. So many of us are looking for another human being to give us worth, to tell us we are valuable, worthy, lovable. And they do play a part in affirming the truth about our identity. And yet, if we haven't allowed the deepest questions of our heart to be answered by the One who shaped and formed our hearts, then we often fall into some of the typical ways to destroy a relationship before it even begins - becoming obsessed with someone who is not interested in us, being in love with being in love, making relationships and marriage an idol, chasing someone who is not right for us, turning a blind eye to red flags (because you will sacrifice anything for this idol), and getting into and staying in physically or emotionally abusive relationships.

So guys, please... find yourself before you go looking for someone else. And the best way to find yourself is in the arms of the original Lover of our souls.

- Go on a retreat
- Start visiting an Adoration chapel every time your heart is hungry
- Start a prayer journal
- Be honest with God
- Read Fill These Hearts by Christopher West
- Ask yourself - "Is God really enough?  Can I be happy even if I never find someone?" If you can honestly say yes, move on to Stage 2.
- If your answer is "Not yet", maybe you should choose to commit a year to remaining single, focussing on other aspects of your life.
- The best way to find yourself and find God is to lose yourself in service of others. It is the most freeing, fulfilling way to become who you are meant to be. And whatever vocation God is calling you to, service is a great preparation for it.
- Try to live in community with other men or women. Build good friendships. My life on different women's teams and households has taught me many invaluable lessons about myself and the ways I need to grow, that romantic relationships are not the only ways to give or receive love, and that it is possible to live a happy and fulfilling life as an unmarried adult.

Stage 2: The Search

Related Links:

Where's MY Person?

Nine Things Christian Singles Are Secretly Afraid Of

On Waiting

Life Begins when You Meet the Man of Your Dreams