Monday, 9 June 2014

Guys, Stop Texting Girls! And Other Super Helpful Advice for the 'Good' Guys

(This post has been building for many years. I promise you it's not about any one particular guy, or any one particular bad experience I've had, but the collective experience of many girls I've talked to, and the observation of the way many 'good guys' I know behave.)

Hey guys! I mean you, the good guys. The ones who the mothers (potential mothers in law) consider decent, who aren't trying to use girls, who are trying to do the right thing. Yeah, you.

So, I really appreciate the fact that you aren't out there raping women, groping, ogling, wolf-whistling or 'eve-teasing'. You often open doors for women, drop us home when we don't have a ride and can be very attentive of our needs especially when travelling, or facing threats like wild animals (aka giant spiders/lizards/cockroaches). Thanks for holding our hands on difficult treks up steep mountains and carrying our bags even when they're not that heavy (even holding handbags occasionally, cho chweet).

So good guys, here's a request- Could you be as careful of girls' hearts as you are of their physical safety and well-being?

Here's something you may not realize- Girls dream REALLY easily. A good guy tells her she looks beautiful and she picks out the wedding colours and practices her new signature.

Some things you can't control

Now I realize that a lot of it is our problem. We girls need to control our imaginations, and that's a whole different blog post. But guys, YOU DON'T MAKE IT EASY!

What am I talking about?

Guys, when you know a girl is attracted to you, please take a HUGE step back. I don't mean that you need to be cruel, or abrupt. But if you do not share the feelings, are not sure of your own feelings, or reciprocate the feelings but are not in a position to start a serious relationship, then don't encourage her to hope. How do you do that, you ask?

1. By texting her all the time. Okay even if she is the one who starts the texting conversation (on the flimsiest of excuses), you don't need to continue it. If you continue it, you have just told the girl "Hey you, sure I AM kinda interested." So what if you have similar texting conversations with many other girls at the same time? SHE doesn't know that. Even if the texts are not romantic or flirtatious, just the fact of regular texting conversations denotes some kind of interest. Which you may or may not have.

2. By texting or calling in the night. There is something about late night conversations that create a sense of intimacy. Intimacy is a reward for commitment! No matter how good intimacy feels in the moment, if it's not based on something solid and permanent, it's a lie. It's all the feelings of closeness without actually being close.

3. By being her confidante. "She just needs someone to talk to." Okay, here's the thing. Girls (and some guys I know) have a bad reputation for creating drama in order to get some attention. I know, I know, that's so uncharitable. Plenty of people DO have problems, and they DO need someone to talk to. THAT SOMEONE IS NOT YOU. Believe me, you're creating nothing but trouble for that girl's heart. There is something about sharing your deepest thoughts and feelings that again creates a feeling of intimacy and dependence. Even if it's boyfriend troubles that the girl needs to talk about, stay clear of these kind of situations. An easy out is to introduce them or direct them to a girl they can talk to.

Point 1 and 3 connect!

4. By sharing personal stuff about you with her. Girls can sometime be easier to share stuff with than guys. Don't do it! Don't tell her about your insecurities, your difficult relationship with your parents, your fears, your struggles with faith. Find a guy you trust to talk to about stuff like that. Get a spiritual director. Write in a journal. Talk to God. Don't let the focus and attention this girl gives you tempt you to share with her.

5. By giving her too much attention. Don't 'like' her pictures on Facebook. Don't do sweet, thoughtful things only for her THAT SHE WILL MISINTERPRET, I promise you. Don't dance only with her. Don't take cute couple pictures together and post them on Facebook. (I can't promise you that she won't download them and gaze at them wistfully while eating chocolate, there, are you creeped out yet?)

6. By putting your arm around her. Intimacy, there we go again. Don't go on hugging her, and being physically affectionate EVEN IN A BROTHERLY WAY. Misinterpretation, it's going to happen, for sure.

7. By flirting back when she hits on you. Look with compassion on that poor girl's heart. And in the most loving way possible, firmly and gently opt out. Don't answer the text. Don't respond to the comments. Don't bask in the attention.

Why all these rules, Sue?

Because GIRLS HAVE ISSUES. Heart issues, fear of rejection issues, hunger for attention issues, in love with being in love issues. You are NOT the solution to this girl's issues. God is. Saint Augustine said, "O God, you have made us for yourself, and our hearts are restless until they rest in Thee." Don't set this girl up for all the heart ache and heart break that comes from attention that isn't based on real love, and that WILL end. "Love is not merely a feeling, it is an act of will that consists in preferring in a constant manner the good of others over the good of oneself." JP2 got it.

Guys, if you love us girls, in the brotherly, protective way that God has called you to love ALL women, then do your bit to protect our hearts. Bonus reason, your future wife is going to LOVE this about you.

Your sister in Christ,


  1. I deploy these tactics (all of them) but never really put it in words (like you did). Danke :)

  2. INTJ's worst nightmare if he/she fails to deploy all the above points :D