Wedding Stories, Tips and Advice

Once again (or it never  really stopped), it seems like everyone is getting married. If they're not getting married, their relatives are pressuring them to get married. If they are already married, they are related to or friends with someone who is getting married. Life is weddings. I'm very glad my Year of The Wedding is over, but I've recently talked to many young women who are in their own Year of the Wedding, so I may as well share some thoughts. Well, first read the posts I already wrote - Seven Things I Have Learned about Wedding Planning, The Secret to a Peaceful Bride and When Your Facebook Feed Explodes with Weddings. Oh, and a couple of cool wedding dress stories - God Designed My Wedding Dress and The Tale of the Free Wedding Dress.

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A wedding is literally just one day in your life.

Okay for some people, it's a week or more of events, but my point is, it really is not everything it's hyped up to be. It really doesn't have to be a perfect day, or the most beautiful day of your life, or everything you've ever dreamed of. (Maybe you need other dreams?) Don't set yourself up for disappointment. That way, if it's a fun, happy day, you'll be pleasantly surprised, and if everything goes wrong and everyone is mad at you for different reasons, you can shrug your shoulders and say, "Oh well, it will soon be just a distant memory."

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Be a rebel when it comes to choosing your marriage partner and the details of your life together, but be ready for compromise when it comes to the wedding details. 

A marriage is for a lifetime, the wedding is just for a day. It doesn't matter if the wedding is less than perfect when you are happy with your choice of marriage partner. On the other hand, the most perfect wedding cannot make up for a spouse you are unsure of, uncomfortable with, or unhappy about marrying. Social approval will not make or break your marriage, so don't get married for the wrong reasons. In India, many young people are pressured to choose a marriage partner after just a few meetings. You need to rebel! This is not a wise way to make the biggest decision of your life! You need to push back, and demand enough time to really get to know the person and be sure that you want to marry him or her. The wedding details on the other hand are really not that big a deal. Don't sweat the small stuff.

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A wedding is a good time to learn how to set boundaries.

Yes, I've promised a boundaries post that I haven't written yet. But here is how that might work during a wedding - together with your spouse, decide what you want to insist on, and what you are willing to compromise on. Communicate those things clearly and kindly with your family members. Don't let people manipulate you and pressure you. Don't let 'But what will people say?' influence all your decisions. You might compromise on some things because they are important to your parents or in-laws, but you do not need to make all your decisions based on every single family member's opinions. Not everyone has equal weight in decision-making. (Whoever is paying for the wedding will have a little more weight.) And if people get unreasonably mad at you, don't let their emotions control yours. Tell them, "I'm sorry you feel that way, and it was not my intention to hurt your feelings, but it is my wedding and perhaps we need to agree to disagree." Make sure they know you value the relationship, and then let it go.

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If possible, try to have an eco-friendly wedding.

I didn't want thermocol confetti at my wedding. Thermocol is horrible for the environment, and yet is remains a prominent part of many Indian Catholic weddings and events from the confetti to the backdrop. We used shredded marigolds instead, which is apparently not unusual in India. I would suggest rose petals instead though, because the marigolds hit a little too hard, got into my hair, dress and mouth and was not the most pleasant of confetti experiences. One of my cousins did bubbles which was very pretty too. I also requested that we did not have little plastic bottles of water for every guest - what an unnecessary and excessive usage of plastic. I hoped for big water dispensers where people could fill up when they wanted water instead, but in the end our wedding was so chaotic I don't even know if there was water available. Fire crackers are just painful to the ears and create air pollution, so that's another tradition that needs to go. Check with your venue and caterers what eco-friendly options they have in place.

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You don't need to spend all your money on a wedding.

You definitely don't need to get into debt for a wedding. Figure out how much money you both have to spend on the wedding, and budget accordingly. Find ways to save money. Not all traditions need to carry on. Instead of buying outfits for every extended family member, get a small meaningful gift and card instead (unless it's immediate family members and they can't afford a new outfit, and you have the money). Dowry or expected 'gifts' needs to be a thing of the past! Put your foot down! Trousseau shopping can be expensive too - get what your need, not fifteen sarees you're rarely going to wear. Why does getting married mean yo have to be decked out in fancy clothes for the next year? A neighbour told my mum that she has huge quantities of silk sarees from her wedding she never wears now.

You don't need lavish innovations at the reception to make your wedding memorable. Be creative, and find ways to create your own decorations or cake or centrepieces. For my sister's wedding, we made paper lanterns to hang everywhere. For my other sister's wedding, with a Wedding at Cana theme, my brother and sister-in-law created a chuppah to hang over the cake - inexpensive and beautiful. You don't have to invite the whole village, or every person you have ever met or who wishes you well. You don't have to have a lavish buffet. Choose nice over lavish.

Chuppah

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A honeymoon doesn't have to be at an exotic location.

It's not about the sights or the adventures. A honeymoon is about the two of you, and a chance to be together, alone! You don't need o go abroad or spend huge amounts of money on a honeymoon you can tell people about. We were perfectly happy with our honeymoon in Coonoor - the weather, the food and the natural beauty were perfect, and we did our own thing, moved at our own pace, rented a bike to explore, and enjoyed our honeymoon a hundred times more than our wedding.

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Don't forget to get photos with the important people.

Although a wedding shouldn't revolve around the photographer, it is nice to have memories especially of people who traveled far to be there for your wedding, or of your whole extended family who may not always get together except at weddings. That is one regret I had from my wedding, that we didn't manage to get photos with the whole family, and many of my friends who I only manged to meet very briefly.

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Assign someone to feed the bride and groom.

In India, the bride and groom and their families eat last, after everyone else has eaten and even left. But I learned the hard way that when you don't eat, everything else gets a lot harder. Towards the end of the reception, I was exhausted and I did't realize it, but I was also hungry. I burst into tears, and told Joel I was done and I wanted to leave and go to sleep. But he pointed at the tables that were set out for the family to eat, and told me we couldn't leave yet. "I don't want to eat. I'm too tired to care about food."Yet, I had to sit. He was hungry, and I nibbled at the food, which turned out to be really tasty (one thing that didn't go wrong). After getting some food into my stomach, I suddenly felt better and realized the world wasn't such a terrible place and perhaps I could last another half an hour.

Wedding food!

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If you are a relative or friend of the bride and groom, be merciful and let go of your expectations.

I was extremely grateful for all my family and guests who traveled to a new place for the wedding, had to make plenty of adjustments, hardly got to see or talk to me at all, and still extended nothing but love towards me. They realized how stressful the day must be for the bride and groom, and didn't place any expectations on us at all. In fact, no one even told me when things were going wrong, but they just took care of any problems that came up, socialized and had fun with each other, and came willing to be pleased. I can only hope that I will be that gracious at all weddings I go to. Too many people in India think that the wedding is about them, and that they need to be honoured or paid attention to. Blessed are those who do not take offence easily!

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Plan a few little elements of your wedding that are just for you and your new spouse.

Bring aware that you are going to have to compromise on a lot, and a lot of things are going to go wrong, if you can, reserve a few small elements that you know will give you joy. One of mine was choosing the 'Stars on 45' track as our wedding march song - a song my dad used to regularly play for us when we were kids, and was a familiar and beloved tune in the midst of an unfamiliar and crazy day. The other thing was planning a small party after the wedding where dancing was the centre of the evening as Joel and I love to jive together, and we knew it wouldn't be a major element of our actual reception.

Alright guys, that's all! Do you have any wedding tips for people beginning to stress out about their upcoming weddings?

Seven Conversations To Have Before Deciding to Marry Someone

"True Words"by pxlline is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

As you might have noticed, I love giving romance and relationship advice, despite the fact that I entered my first and only relationship at the wise and mature age of 32. Does that stop me? No way! I have written about arranged marriages, stages of a relationship, reasons to get married, what not to look for in an Indian spouse, and a lot more.

I currently have a few friends who are in serious relationships. They are intentionally trying to get to know the other person in order to discern whether or not God is calling them to a lifelong commitment. 

The thing is, it's hard to REALLY get to know someone, especially when you don't have good guidance, tools, or anyone walking you through the process. Ideally, it would be good to have a spiritual director or mentor who you can talk to about your discernment. But sometimes those people may not themselves have a good idea of what to ask. "Is he a good boy? No bad habits? God-fearing? Well-settled? Go for it! You can't wait forever!" That's not very helpful. 

So here a few ideas for topics to broach before you make that final decision:

1. Do you or have you ever struggled with pornography use or any kind of sexual sin? How long ago? Are you trying to stop, and how can I support you in this? Not exactly first date conversation starters, but it needs to be talked about once you are getting serious. These are the kind of things that you must talk about honestly, or it will come up and sabotage your relationship*. You need to be honest about your own struggles too. 

Red flags: Behaving as if porn and masturbation are no big deal, no real repentance, being disgusted or repelled by hearing about your struggles with sin.

2. If you had to choose between your parents' wishes and mine, which would you choose? In India, this question seems almost unfair. Why should you make someone choose between their parents and you? It doesn't have to be one or the other, does it?

Well, it kind of does, to some extent. In the bible it says, 'Therefore a man shall leave his mother and father, and be united to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.' (Eph 5:31) There is a necessary leaving (emotional and often physical) that must happen in order for a new unit and family to be created.

This isn't easy for either man or woman who are attached to their parents and family and childhood home. It isn't easy for the parents either. But we have seen what happens when this leaving doesn't happen. Marriages are torn apart by divided loyalties, by men unwilling to stand up to their parents, or women who run home to mama every time they're having a fight. This does NOT mean it's ever okay to treat one's parents with disrespect. 

Red flags: Expecting you to 'adjust' every time the parents ask or expect something, ignoring your reservations or boundaries

3. Are you willing to care for my parents if and when they are old, sick, or need us? This is the flip side to the same question, and not something everyone thinks about in the midst of romance and dating. Making a lifelong commitment to someone means helping them carry their burdens, sharing their struggles and difficulties and responsibilities in life too. This goes for both sets of parents. 

Red flags: Avoiding answering the question, assuming someone else will do it or it won't be necessary.

4. Do you tend towards depression, anxiety, anger, suicidal thoughts, isolation, or anything else that affects your normal functioning and relationships? How bad has it been? Have you been through any major trauma in your life? How have you been dealing with it? Are you open to going to counselling? Some of these things may have come up already, you may have seen signs of it. Most people do or will struggle with one or other of these things to some extent. There is no shame in having struggles. The problem is when people are not willing to get the help they need. 

Red flags: Denying there is a problem, blaming everyone else, thinking counselling is not for them. On the flip side, telling you to be positive or just get over it when you share your ongoing struggles

5. Do you have other healthy friendships and relationships in your life? Does the other person have friends who they are able to talk to about deep stuff? Do they have mentor figures in their life? Are they open to advice and correction? If you are their everything, you will have no support system when the two of you have problems. 

Red flags: Having no friends, unwilling to seek out friends or mentors

6. Do you have any disordered attachments or addictions? How do you deal with them? It could be anything from being unable to go a few seconds without checking the phone, addictions to food, shopping, staying up late, being a workaholic, being a control freak or obsessive about cleanliness. It could be needing to constantly buy the latest phone, motorcycle or fashion styles. It could be video games, all-night DOTA sessions, constant Netflix binges.

There's nothing wrong with hobbies, leisure activities or enjoying the good things in life. But you will know it is an unhealthy attachment if your partner CAN'T do without it, gets angry or irritable if he or she can't have it, or if it regularly interferes with their normal duties and responsibilities, and with their relationship with you and with God.

Red flags: Refusal to acknowledge an attachment is out of control, or needs to be worked on, no plan to grow in this area

7. Do you have a prayer life? This goes beyond being 'god-fearing', willing to go to Mass, and fulfill basic obligations. It goes beyond praying the Rosary every day too, even thought that is a good practice. When the storms of life come, and they will, you both need to be rooted in something bigger than yourself.

God is the firmest foundation for a marriage, and the best way to build your life on that foundation is by setting aside time to seek Him every day. It is in honest regular daily prayer that God convicts, guides, strengthens, heals, and does the work in our partner that we cannot do. It doesn't mean that we have the 'perfect' prayer life, but that both are willing to make it a priority.

Red flags: Unwillingness to commit to prayer, suggestion that you can be the 'spiritual' one in the relationship

What other crucial conversations would you advise dating couples to have?

*Check out Fight The New Drug for more information about why pornography use hurts relationships.

The Burdens God Didn’t Ask You to Carry

"Woman carries bundle on her back in Nepal" by World Bank Photo Collection is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

1. Constant self-doubt: ‘The unexamined life is not worth living.’ It is good to pause and take stock of one’s life regularly, holding it up to the light of God, and making changes when necessary. But living in a constant state of unsureness, second guessing every decision, wondering if there’s another life you should be living, comparing your life to others’, this is the devil’s tactic to prevent you from ever fully living the life you have been given. This is it. This life right now, these people, the tasks of this day. Throw away the self-doubt and embrace this life.

2. Unforgiveness: I asked people on Facebook, “What’s one thing you believe strongly but find difficult to live out yourself?” Surprisingly, many answered ‘Forgiveness’. In some way, holding on to anger and resentment can feel like justice. Being asked to forgive may feel like being asked to deny the guilt of the other person, or the seriousness of their offence. But forgiveness is not saying that.

Forgiveness is the freedom for YOU to move on. Unforgiveness and resentment is a burden that will not only slow you down but eventually consume you. You can draw boundaries so the other person doesn’t have room to hurt you again, but you can rid yourself of the bitterness by praying for them and surrendering them to the mercy and justice of God every time you think of them.

3. Other people’s bad decisions: Do you REALLY love someone if you don’t stay awake worrying about their life, decisions and weaknesses? Hi, that’s not real love. It’s normal to be concerned, but then discern if you are being asked to do something about it. Talk to them, listen to them, give some judicious advice and then realise they have been given freedom and the responsibility to make their own choices. You are not their saviour or fixer. Pray fervently for them, offer up your sufferings or sacrifices for them, and entrust them to God.

4. The fate of the country/ Church/ world: Now I’m not saying you don’t have your role to play. I’m not advocating apathy or despair or blame-shifting. But your role and responsibility encompasses only the things that are actually under your control. Often it means being faithful in little things, being the change you want to see, and praying a LOT. But that’s it.

The Holy Spirit may prompt you to start something new, do something different, but guess what He’s NOT asking you to do? He’s not asking you to do everything, change everything, and then stress out because you suddenly realise you CAN’T do everything and change everything.

5. Having your life together all the time: Everybody has bad days. You are not the only one who wasted hours binge-watching Netflix, eating junk food, staying up too late and procrastinating on your very urgent tasks after a bad mood/PMS/family fight/uncovered old wound/loneliness. Pick yourself up and start again.

You’re not the only one who has acted bad-tempered or irritable all day, or found yourself in the middle of a gossip session before you knew it, or started crying for no good reason, or been a far less than cheerful giver, or made a less than tactful comment. Apologize, and move on.

If your life is NEVER in order, then it may be good to talk to someone, go to a counselor, or get a spiritual director, and make some major lifestyle changes. But once in a while is not the end of the world.

Okay, so which of these burdens are you carrying? Hand them over and start a new day with freedom and a lighter step. God’s strong shoulders are willing and able to carry them, but it’s your job to let them go.

Related Reading

The Antidotes to Anxiety

Part 1 - Parents and Children - Ten Catholic Teachings Most Indian Catholics Get Wrong

Have you done the quiz yet? Don't read this until you've done the quiz!

How Much Do You Know About Catholic Teaching? (Click the link to do the quiz.)

A lot of you may be mad at me for this, but I was kind of tricky in my quiz, leaving some seeds of truths in the wrong answers, which obviously made it harder to get the correct one. Also the correct answers didn't always include the full truth. Really the question should have been 'Which option is the closest to the truth?' But if you read carefully and have a very good understanding of the nuances of Catholic teaching, you would have got a good score that you can be proud of.

And if you didn't, hopefully your curiosity was sparked, and you want to know how you could have possibly got that obviously correct answer wrong. So here goes! Enjoy!

1. What role does a parent play in the choice of one's career and spouse? 

1. A major role - It is the right and responsibility of the Catholic parent to direct and influence a child's choice of career and spouse according to what is best for them

CORRECT ANSWER: 2. A minor role - Catholic parents should be careful not to exert pressure on their children either in the choice of a profession or in that of a spouse.

3. A deciding role - Catholic parents should make the final decision about their child's career and spouse after listening to their child and taking it to prayer

4. An advisory role - Catholic parents should offer a selection of careers and options for spouses based on their child's personality and the needs of the family, and then allow them to choose one of the options

The tricky part was the words 'minor' being right and 'advisory' being wrong. Here's what the Catechism has to say about it.

CCC 2230 When they become adults, children have the right and duty to choose their profession and state of life. They should assume their new responsibilities within a trusting relationship with their parents, willingly asking and receiving their advice and counsel. Parents should be careful not to exert pressure on their children either in the choice of a profession or in that of a spouse. This necessary restraint does not prevent them - quite the contrary from giving their children judicious advice, particularly when they are planning to start a family.

I did use the word minor deliberately though, because it is MAJORLY the decision and choice of the individual themselves. Indian parents, God has NOT asked you to pick a spouse or a career for your child. You cannot give them a selection to choose from, or tell them they may NOT marry some particular individual, or threaten to cut them off if they do.

What you can and should do is give them judicious advice, and then pray that they make the right decision. Even better is to help and train them from the time they are young to seek the Lord, and to learn how to make wise and responsible decisions. Focus on building a trusting relationship so that they feel comfortable consulting you without feeling you will pressure them in one way or another. You cannot and should not try to control their lives.

And Catholic adults, it is your right and duty to choose your own profession and state of life and spouse. It is not somehow holier to leave it all in the hands of your parents.

2. What does a Catholic adult owe his/her parents? 

1. Nothing; an adult is responsible only for himself or herself
2. Obedience in all things and financial support as soon as and as long as they are earning as required by the commandment 'Honor your father and mother'
3. Honor and respect, unless the parents have neglected their duties as parents
CORRECT ANSWER 4. As much as they can, material and moral support in old age and in times of illness, loneliness, or distress

Another misconception in India propagated by many within the Church is that obedience to parents is the highest good, a holy and unbreakable commandment. That is not however what the Church says. What DOES it say? As CHILDREN living at home, we are expected to obey our parents in all things (except in matter of sin). But as adults, no longer under the legal custody of our parents, we do NOT have to obey them in all things. We are responsible for our own decisions, and though we should willingly seek their advice, we are not under any obligation to do what they demand or expect.

CCC 2217 As long as a child lives at home with his parents, the child should obey his parents in all that they ask of him when it is for his good or that of the family. But if a child is convinced in conscience that it would be morally wrong to obey a particular order, he must not do so.

 As they grow up, children should continue to respect their parents. They should anticipate their wishes, willingly seek their advice, and accept their just admonitions. Obedience toward parents ceases with the emancipation of the children; not so respect, which is always owed to them.

It is a little trickier when adults live with their parents as is often the case in India. My understanding though is that if you are contributing financially to the household and no longer dependent on your parents, you have the same right to make your own decisions. If things become difficult - like parents demanding obedience in unreasonable matters, it may be better to move out. And on the parents'part, if you have adult children living at home and NOT taking on their share of responsibilities at home, you may need to ask them to take on those responsibilities, or move out. The only WRONG solution is to continue treating them as if they were still children, instructing, nagging, and controlling.

Whether parents deserve it or not, we are still obligated to show them respect and honour. (That doesn't mean remaining within an abusive relationship.)

[I promise I'm going to write a Boundaries post about this topic.]

What about our financial obligations to our parents? I remember a young man in his twenties telling me that his salary went straight to his parents, and they gave him an allowance out of that. That does  not sound like a healthy parent-child relationship, but unfortunately it doesn't sound very surprising in India.

What does the Church say?

CCC 2218 The fourth commandment reminds grown children of their responsibilities toward their parents. As much as they can, they must give them material and moral support in old age and in times of illness, loneliness, or distress.

If your parents have their own source of income and are not in financial need, or are able to work, you are not obligated to support them financially. What about the money they spent on your education? Parents do not HAVE to fund your higher education. You can take loans, get scholarships, and pay your own way. Your parents could even be the ones to loan you the money. If they choose to freely save up and pay for your education, or a large part of it, then they should have done so without any expectations of return. You are free to repay them if you desire. But if they are comfortably off and you need to make financial decisions for your own spouse and children, your obligation is to your new family.

When they are older however, or struggling in any way, you ARE responsible for them, whether or not they contributed financially to your education.

There is a lot of wisdom the Church offers us about the relationships, rights and responsibilities within families. Sadly, we often take unhealthy cultural norms and act as if they are God's law. We see the ill-effects all around us, in interference and control, in resentment and rebellion, in neglect and manipulation, in irresponsible and entitled behavior. God's truth reaches into these broken places and offers us ways to set things right.

There's a lot more good stuff about the parent-child relationship in the Catechism. Go ahead and read about the fourth commandment if you're interested.

Part 2 - Coming Soon

Related Reading

A Catholic Perspective on Arranged Marriages

13 Ways Parents Can Help Their Kids Choose Christ 

Moving from Pleaser to Rebel to Lover