The 'Am I a Racist?' Test for Indians

“I’m Indian! I’m brown! I can’t be racist!”

Oh, no?

Do you think fairer people are objectively more attractive? Have you complimented someone’s looks by referring to how fair they are, or how they look like (white) foreigners? Do you often comment on your own or others’ skin tone changes after being in the sun? Do you tell people to cover up so they don't get darker? Do you wear socks and gloves and long sleeves when you go out in the sun because you're afraid of getting darker? Do you think ‘fair North Indians’ are more ‘beautiful’ than ‘dark South Indians?’

How often do you see Indian couples with very different skin tones? Does it surprise you when you do? Do you think it's natural that someone who is darker is less likely to find a spouse easily? Do you think it's natural that a fairer skinned applicant would be preferred in many jobs? Have you noticed fairer kids in school are treated better by the teachers than darker-skinned kids?

Do you feel bad for parents when their new baby has a darker skin tone? Have you seen siblings treated a little differently because one is darker and the other fairer? Have you ever comfortingly told someone that they’re also fair? Not that dark comparatively? Have you ever heard kids use nicknames based on the darkness of someone’s skin? Have you used nicknames like that? Have you ever felt instinctively that darker-skinned people are 'dirtier', and shied away from touching them?

Have you ever felt the lack of dark skinned dolls? Or thought it was normal to colour skin with what is called 'skin colour' but which is really pinky-peach? Have you ever encouraged kids to colour pictures of themselves with their actual skin colour- usually brown?

Do you instinctively trust someone who is fairer, or assume they must be educated and privileged? Do you look with suspicion at darker strangers? Do you use fairness products and get your own skin bleached? Do you think it’s normal for brides to look five shades fairer on their wedding day? Are you more likely to be respectful and accepting of white foreigners than black foreigners? African students in India have shared many horrible experiences at the hands of locals. But white foreigners are usually treated like royalty.

Have you noticed how often billboard advertisements for everything from housing societies to hospitals to schools feature families of white foreigners instead of Indians? And when they do feature Indians they are very fair too? Most movies and ads use fairer skinned actors and models. It’s extremely rare to see even medium brown skin on a main character, let alone really dark skin.

We are all the product of the prejudices of our society, of our families, of the people around us, of the media we consume and are exposed to. Biases don’t automatically go away unless we acknowledge them and work on allowing the truth into our minds and hearts. It’s not only skin colour. It's weight, height, and clothes. It’s subconscious biases based on education, community (aka caste), religion, language, and wealth. It's every time we refer to an entire group as ‘those people’. It’s easier to see it when other people are doing it. But self-examination is far more fruitful than pointing fingers and feeling self-righteous.

Sometimes when I work with kids, I’ve had these kinds of conversations: “Which is better? Dark skin or fair skin?” If they know me well, they hesitate, knowing that the obvious answer may not be right. Sometimes they’ll answer the obvious answer: “Fair skin!”

“Why is fair skin better? Did you know God made people all over the world with different colours?”

I show them pictures. “Do you think God loves some more than others? Or he made a mistake? No! He gave each one their own skin colour because he thinks they’re ALL beautiful! Now we just have to look at people the way God looks at them!”

Then we look at babies of different ethnicities and skin tones and say “Wow! So cute!” to all of them. “He thinks you are beautiful too! And your skin colour is lovely!” They look at their arms in surprise. You can see the slow change of perspective. It will probably take a while. But we must start somewhere. Preferably with ourselves and our own families.

Related Posts

Fluency in English is the White Privilege of India

We Belong to Each Other

How To Be Holy and Happy During the Coronavirus Quarantine

BREAKING NEWS: India has just been put on lock down for the next three weeks, so this post is even more relevant. PS Please ration your supplies!

It's easy to write a post about what NOT to do because all I have to do is take notes from my own life and everybody else I know. But what we really need is a not-too-complicated list of what we CAN and SHOULD do. So here goes:

1. Make a daily schedule! Structure structure structure! Anyone who works from home can tell you the best way to sabotage yourself is to have great ambitions and refuse to put them into a schedule. Spontaneity is all very well for a while, but most of us humans need some kind of rhythm to our life in order to be productive and peaceful. Some of my friends have done this (especially those with kids). It doesn't have to be a tight schedule with every minute accounted for, but it should exist.

2. Get offline for at least a few hours every day! The Online World of Coronavirus News is a disease in itself. There's too much information! It's everywhere! There are gossip, jokes, news, opinions, medical advice, explanations, home remedies, warnings, predictions, but they can leave us sucked dry, motionless, anxious, panicky, or just distracted. You will find you mind relaxing, and your heartbeat returning to normal as you cook while listening to instrumental music, or clean your house, or draw a picture, or play an instrument, or go for a walk (for those who are still able to).

3. Pick two or three online pastimes, but stop there: Apart from Coronavirus news, there's also SO MANY productive options to spend time online - online retreats, online Masses and rosaries and reflections, free audio books, free operas, free concerts, online museums. We're spoiled for choice. We could learn new languages, watch movies, documentaries, learn crafts, research topics we're interested in... but if you're anything like me, perhaps the fact that there are so many options is paralyzing, and it's easier to just keep scrolling through social media feeds and thinking about how many great options there are and perhaps I should do that one.. and that one.. or perhaps that one? Just pick two or three, add them to your schedule, and stop there.

4. Take prayer breaks: Start your day with prayer and coffee, end your day with prayer, but don't forget to take little pauses during the day to pray too. Some people say a Hail Mary every time they wash their hands. I've been trying to do an Examen at least once a day. Say little prayers like "I love you, Lord." "I offer this moment to you." "Jesus, I trust in you." Participate in an online Mass if that helps you. Say a Rosary. My husband reminds me to pray the Angelus when the church bells ring. Pray a Divine Mercy chaplet for people dying alone. It's surprising how these little prayer habits make room for peace in your heart, home and day.

5. Take time alone and together: If you're living with other people, add some alone, quiet time to your schedule. If you tend to do things by yourself most of the time, add some people time to your schedule. Eat meals together and watch a movie. Play board games. Do jigsaw puzzles. If you're living alone, set up a video call to a friend at least once a day. This is a good time to reconnect, to love each other by 'wasting time together'. Don't let the desire to be productive or the temptation to anxiety and panic rob you of family time or people time.

6. Talk about things other than the pandemic: It's already on everyone's minds. But there is more to life than that, and our minds need a break from it. So intentionally choose to talk and think about other things as well - hopes, dreams, plans, memories, ideas, jokes.

7. Rediscover the Bible: Rather than focussing on what we have been deprived of (the sacraments, for a while). let's rediscover the gift and jewel most of us have lying in our homes. Eh. the bible, you say. Approach it in new ways! Start reading one book of the bible, underline verses that stand out and journal about them. (Look up a commentary to help you understand them.) Do a bible sharing with your family every day. Pick one bible verse every day to memorize and illustrate. Play bible trivia games:
- Everyone gets one chapter or book of the bible to read and study, and quiz questions will be asked at the end of the day.
- Everyone gets 5 minutes to study and memorize the names and order of the books in the bible, and then write them out without referring to the bible.
- Pick a bible verse at random and get the rest of the family to guess which book it comes from.
- Find the biblical passages certain famous hymns are based on.
- Choose a keyword like 'light', or 'bread', or 'mountain' and see how many bible verses each person or team can find in 10 minutes.
- Say a bible reference (book, chapter and verse) and the first person to find it wins the point
- Write your own song or tune based on a Psalm. Record it

8. Find ways to reach out to others: Just because you have been asked to distance yourself socially doesn't mean you have full permission to be as selfish and self-absorbed as possible. Ask God to show you how you can still reach out to others. Phone someone who might be lonely. Donate to those who have lost their livelihood because of the shutdowns. Make sure you are continuing to pay your maids, domestic workers, etc who are not allowed to go to work. Check in on your friends. Find little ways to bless your family members or housemates - join them in activities they would prefer, help them in their work, ask them how they are doing.

9. Take time for silence: You don't have to fill up every moment of the day. Take a few minutes here and there just to BE, to breathe, to surrender. It's hard, I know. But in the moments of silence, your soul will breathe.

Are you doing any of these things already? Any other suggestions?

Five Things I've Learned about Living with a Spouse

A month ago a friend asked me to write an article for the bulletin of the Family Commission Centre, with just a day's notice. I managed to complete it, and I thought I'd share it here with my blog readers... to make up for the weeks when I didn't post anything (sorry!).

I got married just one month ago, so as a newly married wife, I am obviously now an expert on marriage. Just kidding! I am in the process of learning to live with and love another human being, a lifelong process. My lessons started long before I met my spouse - in my family, and in different women’s households over the past nine years. The lessons I learned have been invaluable, and are serving me well, as I begin life with a husband.

1. Your spouse is different from you, and that is okay: It is so tempting to want our spouse to become another version of us, to do things our way. I prefer quiet, contemplative prayer times where I listen to an audio bible reflection and journal as I drink my coffee. I can hear my husband on the other hand in the next room strumming the guitar loudly, singing worship songs vigorously and reading Scripture aloud. Which is a better way to pray? That’s a silly question! God makes us different so we can learn from each other and be blessed by each other’s unique gifts and perspectives.

2. Gratitude changes everything: One of the sneakiest ways Satan tries to attack our relationships, is by planting seeds of resentment. The best way to combat that temptation is to cultivate gratitude. Look at your spouse, and your life together and thank God (and your spouse) for the gifts you see. None of us are perfect. But life doesn’t have to be perfect to be beautiful. "Thank you for loving me." "Thank you for cooking that meal, that was delicious." "I am so blessed to have a husband like you. I feel so loved." See how these words can transform our relationships.

3. Mercy must replace blame: We were driving from Pune to Mumbai last weekend when we suddenly realized that I had left our house keys in Pune. Our ONLY set of house keys. It was completely my fault as I had overstuffed my handbag and they had fallen out. In that moment, Joel extended grace and mercy to me. Not only did he NOT say "What were you thinking? You should have been more careful!", he instead prayed for me and the situation because he could see that I was upset by my mistake. What a beautiful witness of Christ-like behaviour! It was also a good reminder to me that the next time he made a mistake, I should remember I am far from perfect.

4. My project is ME, not my spouse: This might be particularly a wife’s temptation, but it’s so easy to want to improve and change one’s spouse. It is so much easier to see their faults and shortcomings than our own. Jesus had some clear words. ‘First take the log out of your own eye, before trying to take the speck out of your husband’s.’ My job is to work on my own holiness. So I try to avoid nagging and criticizing and constantly making suggestions for improvement.

5. There is actually grace in the sacrament: We don’t have to do this on our own strength, because we can’t. Sacramental marriages have a special grace attached to them. ‘Christ dwells with them, gives them the strength to take up their crosses…, to rise again after they have fallen, to forgive one another, to bear one another's burdens, to "be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ," and to love one another with supernatural, tender, and fruitful love.’ CCC 1642 We need to claim that grace and thank God for it. We also need to acknowledge the Third Person in our marriage, and receive His grace afresh, by spending some time together in prayer every day.

A Little Story on World Mission Sunday

About a month ago, my fiance, my parents and my ten year old niece went on a little mini-vacation to the hills, a couple of hours out of the big city. We often retreat there, but not typically in the monsoons. It was cold and rainy, and we stayed indoors most of the time, but it was still a special time (is every shared holiday special when you're in love?) apart from my niece sticking to us like a leech because she had been secretly enlisted as a chaperone by my mum and my other niece, and she took her responsibility VERY seriously.

One day we went out for a meal to the town. Joel and I remembered some yummy bhakri (a kind of local bread) and chicken curry from our trip in January, so we took my parents and niece out to share our experience. We found a restaurant willing to make us hot, fresh bhakris, perfect for a rainy day.

As we waited for our meal, my mother suggested that we each share a story of some time in our life that we experienced God's presence or miracles. Typical of  my mum, finding a way to bring Jesus into a conversation. We were all happy to share, though I had to search my memory for a story I hadn't shared with them before. (I am a notorious chatterbox and sharer in my family, they've never had to complain they don't know what's going on in my life. Lucky them.)

I told a story from my time in the Philippines, Joel shared his own conversion story from medical college, and even my ten year old niece shared a little story from her own life. My parents shared too, and then the waiter, a young man with a simple, honest face, brought out our steaming and delicious-smelling meal. We made the sign of the Cross, blessed the food, and began our meal. It was as tasty as we had hoped.

As we ended our meal, and walked out of the restaurant,  we thanked the waiter. To our utter surprise, he smiled and said, "Praise the Lord." We smiled back and headed out to the car. "I guess he is a Christian!" The reason why we were so surprised is because Christians are a small minority in India, and in our city, usually a very specific socio-economic group - educated, English-speakers, often from Goa and Mumbai. This young man was obviously a local Marathi-speaker. We were surprised and curious.

A couple of days later, Joel and I returned to the restaurant, partly for the bhakri and chicken curry, and partly to talk to the young man. He seemed happy to see us, and after the meal, Joel, who is a native Marathi-speaker himself, had a long conversation with the young man.

It turned out he had come to faith through another relative who had become a Christian, and was obviously very committed to Jesus. He said he woke up every morning and read the bible for two hours before coming to work and working all day until late in the night. He didn't have a day off at his job, and so he hadn't found a church to go to, but he used to attend a church in his hometown.

"How did you know we were Christians?" we asked him. "I understand a lot of English, even though I can't speak it, and I heard you all talking about Jesus," he replied in Marathi. We hadn't even realized he was there when we were sharing, much less that he could understand us.

"Is your bible a Marathi bible?" I nudged Joel to ask him.

"No, it's Hindi."

"Would you like a Marathi one?"

He said he would, so we took down his name and number, and told him we would find one to send him later. After we said goodbye, I suddenly remembered that a friend had told me he was sending me two Marathi bibles to use in my ministry, except that I had no idea what to do with them. I guess God knew what I could do with them.

It was such a short and simple encounter, but it blessed me so much. Today is World Mission Sunday, and in his message, Pope Francis wrote:

'This missionary mandate touches us personally: I am a mission, always; you are a mission, always; every baptized man and woman is a mission. People in love never stand still: they are drawn out of themselves; they are attracted and attract others in turn; they give themselves to others and build relationships that are life-giving. As far as God’s love is concerned, no one is useless or insignificant.'

I was reminded of the need to notice and connect with the people around me, something that it's easy for introverts to forget to do. Even though talking to strangers may not be something I do as easily as others, God can still use me if I allow Him to.

'This divine life is not a product for sale – we do not practise proselytism – but a treasure to be given, communicated and proclaimed: that is the meaning of mission. We received this gift freely and we share it freely (cf. Mt 10:8), without excluding anyone. God wills that all people be saved by coming to know the truth and experiencing his mercy through the ministry of the Church, the universal sacrament of salvation.'

I was reminded that God does not exclude anyone, and that neither should I. Jesus didn't come only for people who look like me, or talk like me, or who speak only the same language as I do. His love goes beyond the walls and boundaries I build in my own mind. As I have experienced freedom and mercy through my relationship with Him, so too have others from different cultures and socioeconomic backgrounds. As I need His grace for my bad days and difficult relationships and sinful inclinations, so do they.

It's not always easy to know how to practically share BOTH the truth and the mercy of Jesus in a sensitive but effective way. But that doesn't mean it's not possible. I think it starts with an awareness of my own privilege (my treasure!), an openness to encounter, a desire to see people become who they were meant to be, and a sincere invitation to the Holy Spirit to guide me and use me every day. The harvest is plentiful, willing laborers are few. Come. Holy Spirit!

Related Reading

Full Message for World Mission Sunday

Should Conversions Be Illegal?

Non-Christians in Heaven: Ten Catholic Teaching Most Indian Catholics Get Wrong

Seven Conversations To Have Before Deciding to Marry Someone

"True Words"by pxlline is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

As you might have noticed, I love giving romance and relationship advice, despite the fact that I entered my first and only relationship at the wise and mature age of 32. Does that stop me? No way! I have written about arranged marriages, stages of a relationship, reasons to get married, what not to look for in an Indian spouse, and a lot more.

I currently have a few friends who are in serious relationships. They are intentionally trying to get to know the other person in order to discern whether or not God is calling them to a lifelong commitment. 

The thing is, it's hard to REALLY get to know someone, especially when you don't have good guidance, tools, or anyone walking you through the process. Ideally, it would be good to have a spiritual director or mentor who you can talk to about your discernment. But sometimes those people may not themselves have a good idea of what to ask. "Is he a good boy? No bad habits? God-fearing? Well-settled? Go for it! You can't wait forever!" That's not very helpful. 

So here a few ideas for topics to broach before you make that final decision:

1. Do you or have you ever struggled with pornography use or any kind of sexual sin? How long ago? Are you trying to stop, and how can I support you in this? Not exactly first date conversation starters, but it needs to be talked about once you are getting serious. These are the kind of things that you must talk about honestly, or it will come up and sabotage your relationship*. You need to be honest about your own struggles too. 

Red flags: Behaving as if porn and masturbation are no big deal, no real repentance, being disgusted or repelled by hearing about your struggles with sin.

2. If you had to choose between your parents' wishes and mine, which would you choose? In India, this question seems almost unfair. Why should you make someone choose between their parents and you? It doesn't have to be one or the other, does it?

Well, it kind of does, to some extent. In the bible it says, 'Therefore a man shall leave his mother and father, and be united to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.' (Eph 5:31) There is a necessary leaving (emotional and often physical) that must happen in order for a new unit and family to be created.

This isn't easy for either man or woman who are attached to their parents and family and childhood home. It isn't easy for the parents either. But we have seen what happens when this leaving doesn't happen. Marriages are torn apart by divided loyalties, by men unwilling to stand up to their parents, or women who run home to mama every time they're having a fight. This does NOT mean it's ever okay to treat one's parents with disrespect. 

Red flags: Expecting you to 'adjust' every time the parents ask or expect something, ignoring your reservations or boundaries

3. Are you willing to care for my parents if and when they are old, sick, or need us? This is the flip side to the same question, and not something everyone thinks about in the midst of romance and dating. Making a lifelong commitment to someone means helping them carry their burdens, sharing their struggles and difficulties and responsibilities in life too. This goes for both sets of parents. 

Red flags: Avoiding answering the question, assuming someone else will do it or it won't be necessary.

4. Do you tend towards depression, anxiety, anger, suicidal thoughts, isolation, or anything else that affects your normal functioning and relationships? How bad has it been? Have you been through any major trauma in your life? How have you been dealing with it? Are you open to going to counselling? Some of these things may have come up already, you may have seen signs of it. Most people do or will struggle with one or other of these things to some extent. There is no shame in having struggles. The problem is when people are not willing to get the help they need. 

Red flags: Denying there is a problem, blaming everyone else, thinking counselling is not for them. On the flip side, telling you to be positive or just get over it when you share your ongoing struggles

5. Do you have other healthy friendships and relationships in your life? Does the other person have friends who they are able to talk to about deep stuff? Do they have mentor figures in their life? Are they open to advice and correction? If you are their everything, you will have no support system when the two of you have problems. 

Red flags: Having no friends, unwilling to seek out friends or mentors

6. Do you have any disordered attachments or addictions? How do you deal with them? It could be anything from being unable to go a few seconds without checking the phone, addictions to food, shopping, staying up late, being a workaholic, being a control freak or obsessive about cleanliness. It could be needing to constantly buy the latest phone, motorcycle or fashion styles. It could be video games, all-night DOTA sessions, constant Netflix binges.

There's nothing wrong with hobbies, leisure activities or enjoying the good things in life. But you will know it is an unhealthy attachment if your partner CAN'T do without it, gets angry or irritable if he or she can't have it, or if it regularly interferes with their normal duties and responsibilities, and with their relationship with you and with God.

Red flags: Refusal to acknowledge an attachment is out of control, or needs to be worked on, no plan to grow in this area

7. Do you have a prayer life? This goes beyond being 'god-fearing', willing to go to Mass, and fulfill basic obligations. It goes beyond praying the Rosary every day too, even thought that is a good practice. When the storms of life come, and they will, you both need to be rooted in something bigger than yourself.

God is the firmest foundation for a marriage, and the best way to build your life on that foundation is by setting aside time to seek Him every day. It is in honest regular daily prayer that God convicts, guides, strengthens, heals, and does the work in our partner that we cannot do. It doesn't mean that we have the 'perfect' prayer life, but that both are willing to make it a priority.

Red flags: Unwillingness to commit to prayer, suggestion that you can be the 'spiritual' one in the relationship

What other crucial conversations would you advise dating couples to have?

*Check out Fight The New Drug for more information about why pornography use hurts relationships.

Practical Suggestions for How to Live Gospel Poverty

"It's ridiculous how wealthy those people are. They live in mansions, own several cars, and spend crores on weddings." You know, practically everyone compares themselves with someone wealthier and feel a sense of self-righteousness about how wasteful THEY are compared with us. But most of you reading this blog are probably privileged compared to the vast majority of the world and especially India.

- Are you fairly fluent in English? Many jobs and opportunities are open to you.
- Do you have an income big enough to be able to spend on little and big luxuries like eating out, going on holidays and buying non-essentials?
- Have you had the opportunity to travel abroad?
- Do you have a secure job and a steady income? Do you have savings?
- Do you have free time that allows you to spend hours on social media every day?
- Have you got an education or skills that enable you to earn money?
- Do you have friends and connections in the upper and upper-middle social classes?

Even if only some of these apply to you, you are privileged, and so am I. The point is not to feel guilty about our privilege - it is rarely helpful or productive - but to accept that we are indeed privileged, and therefore our conscience and our God expect us use our privilege well. 'From everyone to whom much has been given, much will be required.' Lk 2:48

So let's get down to it. What practical steps can you take to start embracing a life of Gospel poverty?

1. Ask God to open your eyes and open your heart: No one can force you to give up your privilege. You have to freely choose to detach yourself, and that is hard. I'd like to care less about 'stuff', but I love my stuff too much. But even wanting it is a great first step. God can work with that. Ask Him to soften your heart to those in need. 'Let my heart be broken by the things that break the heart of God.'

2. Get to know some poor people: Theorizing about 'the poor' doesn't change anything. Then Gospel poverty just becomes a quirky hobby like minimalism often appears to be. Start somewhere. Visit the home of your maid or watchman. Ask her if she knows anyone in need in her neighborhood. Ask your local parish if there is a family you can visit and adopt. Get to know them and their needs. Don't come in as a benefactor, but as a friend who is genuinely interested in them. Or get personally involved in a charity.

My group was once given a sum of money to give away, so I contacted a teacher at the school I was working with to ask if there were any families we could give groceries to. The teacher told me about students who couldn't afford three meals every day, and sometimes drank a glass of water in the night instead of eating. It shook me. That's what my little luxuries were worth to someone else.

3. Go through your stuff: Pull everything out section by section, and ask yourself if you have used each item in the past year, and if you really even need it. It's amazing how may things we keep just because we think we MAY use it sometime. If you're not sure, put the maybe items in one area, and check again in a few months if you need them. Regularly make bags of giveaways and connect with someone who serves the poor directly. (Don't put ragged or filthy or unusable clothes in there!)

“When someone steals another's clothes, we call them a thief. Should we not give the same name to one who could clothe the naked and does not?" Saint Basil

4. Start tithing: Set aside (at least) ten percent of your income to give away. If you find it hard to remember, withdraw it, put the cash in an envelope, and label it. Ask God to show you to whom you should give it. Part of it could be to your church or faith community, but don't forget the poor. When you tell God you're available and your stuff is His stuff, He will take you at your word.

5. Evaluate your spending habits: Start keeping track of how much you spend on luxuries. Snacks, eating out, clothes and shoes, books, alcohol, parties, make-up and other beauty products, fancy ingredients, phones... you know your own temptations.

It's not bad to occasionally splurge, but when luxuries become habits and needs, then you know it's time to cut down. Ask God, "Where can I simplify? What can I cut down on? What can I give up this month?" Give up restaurants and outside food for a month. Or anything non-essential. Then take the money you would have spent and add it to the Giving envelope. (Pro-tip: If you are an impulse buyer, train yourself to wait 24 hours before buying something you are SURE you need. Leave it in the online shopping cart and close the tab. Most likely 24 hours later you'll change your mind.) Stay away from places and people who tempt you to waste money. Replace them with simpler pleasures.

"Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously. Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver." 2 Cor 9: 6-8

6. Make a budget: Easier said than done, I can attest to that. But prayerfully plan for your month (with your spouse if you have one), and ask God how He wants you to be a good steward of what you have. Be responsible, but err on the side of generosity.

"At the end of life we will not be judged by how many diplomas we have received, how much money we have made, how many great things we have done. We will be judged by 'I was hungry, and you gave me something to eat, I was naked and you clothed me. I was homeless, and you took me in.'" Mother Teresa

7. Give away something you are too attached to: Ask God to show you if there is something that you love more than Him, more than the people around you. I often share about an inspiring young Catholic missionary I met who told me he lived by the philosophy "Never own anything you cannot give away." Our possessions start to possess us, as Father Dubay puts it in Happy are You Poor, so we need to be proactive in exorcising these demons.

8. Give to all who ask: Give something to all who ask, even if it's a smile and an acknowledgment (when you feel uncomfortable about giving to what seem like professional beggars). Be willing to lend when someone asks for help instead of viewing everyone in need with suspicion. It is not a sin to be in need. If someone asks if they can stay with you, be hospitable. Offer a glass of water to the salesman who knocks on your door. Lend your stuff to those who ask. Don't make it a big deal if someone loses or damages your stuff. It's just stuff. Listen to the person who seems like they need someone to unburden to. When you know you are not able to give any more, when you are stretched too thin, it's okay to say no (kindly). But most of us are capable of more than we think we are.

9. Start a Gospel poverty Whatsapp group: Connect with people who have the same heart and desire. Share the needs you come across, or the stuff you want to give way. Let's use networking to benefit the poor. Do a book study of 'Happy are You Poor'. Read the Letter of James together. Plan a pilgrimage to Kolkata to be inspired by Mother Teresa. Read her writings.

In the end, we will only keep what we give away. If you could look at the last month and weigh what you gave away with what you spent on yourself, would you have an uneasy conscience? If so, today is the chance to begin again. Jesus is waiting for us to cut through the layers of our own stuff, and meet Him in the 'least of his brethren'. 

Related Reading

My Forays Into Gospel Poverty

When I was about six years old, I got a pink silk dress for my birthday. I remember how it looked and felt. It delighted my soul. It wasn't brand new, but it felt new. Brand new clothes were very rare in my home. There were five of us, and not a lot of extra money. People regularly gave us bags of hand-me-downs which we counted as 'new' clothes and were quite happy to accept and pick through....

Not Just Random Acts of Kindness

...The other thing I decided to do was buy a few bags of non-perishable groceries, and give them away to people the Lord pointed out to me, or poor people I saw on the streets. Unfortunately I hadn’t considered that carrying extra bags of groceries around was not the most practical idea, especially since I tend to overload my little two-wheeler on normal rides anywhere. So I did carry one bag out with me once, didn’t see anyone, and just brought the bag back and left it at home....

The Two Big Missing Pieces of Our Catholic Faith

... But most of us want to remain in our comfortable bubbles, our social circles of equally privileged friends and family and communities. We do our bible studies and prayer meetings and conferences and retreats. And we give a small percentage, making sure that it will not affect our hobbies and lifestyles. We live in our (sometimes metaphorical) gated communities occasionally making a quick awkward visit to an orphanage at Christmas, and then rush back to our comfy lives and our ministry among those like us. Gospel poverty is for a select few, we say, like Mother Teresa....

Seven Ways We Made Frugality a Way of Life or Yes, My Family is Weird 

So nowadays everybody's all about making good use of our resources, caring for the environment, not wasting stuff, reducing one's carbon footprint, reduce, reuse, recycle, etc. They think this is a new concept. They haven't met my family. While our family is usually known as the 'crazy Christian family with five kids', most people don't know that we are also the Original Recycling Family....

My Forays Into Gospel Poverty

When I was about six years old, I got a pink silk dress for my birthday. I remember how it looked and felt. It delighted my soul. It wasn't brand new, but it felt new. Brand new clothes were very rare in my home. There were five of us, and not a lot of extra money. People regularly gave us bags of hand-me-downs which we counted as 'new' clothes and were quite happy to accept and pick through. The Indian custom of new clothes at festivals (Christmas for Christians) or at birthdays didn't make it to our home. We didn't think it necessary and were quite happy to have pretty and appropriate 'church clothes' wherever they came from.

But that silk dress was something special. I had a birthday party and wore the dress and felt every bit as special as a little birthday girl should. I hung the dress up in my cupboard, and treasured it as my own birthday-magic dress. The following December, my parents sat down the five of us to have a little talk. They told us about a family in the nearby slum they had visited.

"They have five children too, around the same ages as you all. But they live in a small one room house. They have much less than we have. Would you each like to select one of your nice outfits to give them as a Christmas gift?"

They gave us the freedom to decide what we wanted to give, and I remember going to the church clothes cupboard, and pulling out my pink silk dress. And I still remember the sense of satisfaction and joy that I got to give that special dress to some little girl who probably didn't get nice things very often. Did I regret it later? Did I miss that pink silk dress? Maybe. But I don't remember that part of the experience.

*********

When I was 24, I left my job to join a volunteer organization that focussed on evangelization and service to the poor. We were encouraged to find ways to live simply, and in solidarity with the poor. We fundraised our own salaries, and budgeted what we had to provide for our needs and give the rest to the poor. My first year was in the Philippines, and we had very little extra money. So my team mate and I ate canned tuna, rice and salad for most meals. Compared to the variety of food I had growing up, that was not the most interesting cuisine. But it was a small way to identify with those who had even less than we did. Over my nine years as a full-timer, I have usually cooked only vegetarian food at home (except when we had guests), rarely eaten at expensive restaurants, rarely bought new clothes or shoes, and took the cheapest transport whenever it was safe.

Outdoor tuition classes in the poor community we worked with in the Philippines

During my second year in the Philippines, my team bought a big sack of rice at the beginning of the month, and whenever anyone came to our door asking for help because their family had run out of food, we'd give them a bag of rice. One day we were low on funds and with not a lot of food in the house. A priest friend of ours turned up at the door with bananas, mangoes, oranges, a pineapple and eggs from a mass he had celebrated. An hour later our house was filled with our friends from the poor community we worked with. They had just taken their babies for doctor visits with some of our volunteers. We set before them fruits and egg rice, a feast provided by the Lord. We had little, but we always had enough.

I have always seen God provide me with much more than I have given away or given up. I have never bought a phone in my life. I have rarely paid for housing. I have always had appropriate clothes for fancy occasions.

********

I have not always been successful at living simply or being as generous as I should have. I have bought unnecessary things at times, and regretted it later. I have been affected by wanting to look as cute or as cool as my contemporaries and wasted money trying to achieve that. I have wandered through malls with hungry eyes, wanting more, more, more and thinking "I need that! And that! And that!" I have filled my Amazon cart with things that I 'need', and then realized later that I didn't really NEED them. But the Lord has been patient with me, and I have learned to be patient with myself.

But each time I have been obedient I have experienced a new freedom, a spiritual openness, and a connection with Jesus in the poor.

*********

Today's Gospel is about the rich young man who Jesus asked to sell all he had, give to the poor and then go follow Jesus. He turned away sad because he had many possessions. Most people interpret that reading to mean we shouldn't be too attached to material possessions. Have them, but don't be too attached to them. But Thomas Dubay in the book 'Happy are You Poor' says that maybe Jesus really IS calling all of us who claim to follow Him to ACTUAL gospel poverty, not just detachment from our stuff.

But he says Gospel poverty isn't what we think it is. It isn't deprivation of our basic necessities. It doesn't mean not enjoying the pleasures of life. If we would like 'the poor' to have all they need and more, then God, our loving Father wants that for us too. It doesn't mean wearing shabby clothes or shoes with holes. It doesn't mean we shouldn't own homes or invest money or throw parties. So what is it then?

Gospel poverty is a lifestyle through which all I have is at the service of God and His children; a life of downward mobility, where I choose to live more simply in order to be able to give away more; a life where I ask God to guide my decisions of how much I should keep, save, spend, and give away; a life lived closer to actual poor people, forming real friendships, instead of in a bubble of other people as wealthy as I am.

It's going to look different for different people. It's going to look different for the same people at different stages of their life. It's going to look different for people in different states of life, vocations, and with different responsibilities and demands on their life. But that shouldn't stop us from starting somewhere, and allowing God to move our hearts and influence our decisions about our money and our possessions.

Next week: Practical Suggestions for How to Live Gospel Poverty

For more stories of my experiences in the Philippines, sign up as a patron, and receive my ebook for free.

What Saint John Paul II is Teaching Me About Love

Over the past seventeen years, I have thought, and read, and talked a LOT about love. It seemed pretty obvious pretty soon that different people had different understandings of what love was.

The most common understanding is that love is something that just happens to you, randomly and magically, an irresistible force that sweeps over you and cannot be controlled or tamed or even understood. Most love songs and movies push this idea very insistently. This idea of love works with divorce, adultery and gay marriage and even polyamory, because 'you can't help whom you love'. It seems like it could be quite tragic too, when you love someone who can't love you back, or you are trapped in a loveless marriage, and your life seems ruined.

Then there is the much more practical understanding of love which states that love is a choice, not a feeling. You can choose whom you love. Arranged marriages are built on this premise - that you choose to love the person you are married to. You find someone whom you are somewhat compatible with, and you make it work.

Then there are the cynics who don't believe in love at all. According to them, love is a purely biological mating drive, neurons firing and hormones releasing, your body fooling you into making lifelong commitments, which are destined to failure.

There are seeds of truth in all these ideas, but all of them leave me with unanswered questions.'

- If love is something that happens to you, then how can you promise to love someone forever?
- How do you know if you have missed your soulmate because they or you made a mistake?
- Or what's to prevent you from meeting someone better suited to you after marrying someone else?
- How can you know it is love and not just attraction?
- If love is just a choice, does it make absolutely no difference whom you marry since you can make it work with anyone?
- If it's just biological, how have we seen so many examples of long-lasting and sacrificial and faithful marriages?

More practically, when it came to deciding whether I should marry my boyfriend,

- How could I know the feelings I was feeling would last?
- On days when I didn't feel crazy in love, did it mean I didn't really love him?
- Was what I was feeling AS magical as everyone else's descriptions and experiences of love?
- What if married life became mundane or boring?
- Did I love him as much as he deserved to be loved?
- What if we faced a major crisis in our marriage like losing a child or a job or severe postpartum depression, and one of us changed a lot, became withdrawn or angry? Would we have what it takes to keep going?
- Would our different cultural backgrounds and difference in our personalities weaken our love at some point?

I had some answers, but I wanted clarity. When I went on my silent retreat, I decided to read excerpts of Saint John Paul's Love and Responsibility (because I didn't have the book, and I found a pdf with excerpts online.)

Saint John Paul (1920 -2005) had also studied and thought deeply about all these questions. He had worked with many young couples, and realized the need to speak about and explain the Christian understanding of love. So here are some of the quotes that answered the deepest questions of my own heart and gave me the confidence and courage to say yes to an authentic love.

'Love in human relationships is not something ready-made. It begins as a principle or idea which people must somehow live up to in their behavior.'

Romcoms kept whispering the lie that LOVE is a noun. But JP2 says love is not a finished product, or an unchanging reality. It is more a verb than a noun, something that is always a process, that is becoming what it should be, especially at the beginning of a relationship. It isn't a done deal, but a promise.

'Love between persons is essentially a creation of human free will.'

I loved this because it puts the power back into our hands. We are not just victims to whom things happen, we have POWER to create and sustain something beautiful. I don't have to hang back wondering, "What am I experiencing? Is it enough?" I can instead choose to pour myself into this relationship.

'There must be a direct attraction to the person: in other words, response to particular qualities inherent in a person must go with a simultaneous response to the qualities of the person as such, an awareness that a person as such is a value, and not merely attractive because of certain qualities which he or she possesses.' 

Attraction IS important. But it can't be just "I'm attracted to your long hair, and your kindness, and your intelligence, and your honesty." I have to be attracted to the PERSON himself, to see him not just a collection of traits but as a unique unrepeatable creation of God.

'It is not enough to long for a person as a good for oneself, one must also, and above all, long for that person’s good.'

If my primary focus is on how the other person makes me feel, I have not yet reached true love. Love means desiring the other person's good, wanting THEM to be holy and happy and fulfilled.

'Love is by its very nature not unilateral but bilateral, something ‘between’ two persons, something shared. Fully realized, it is essentially an interpersonal, not an individual matter. It is a force which joins and unites.'

This differentiates real love from infatuation or crushes or unrequited 'love'. It is not just feelings I have, or attraction or admiration, or a desire or longing for another person. It only becomes LOVE when it is shared, when it is reciprocal, when it joins two people. I've met so many people who have been hung up for years on the same person, unable to let go, sure that there must be something there because of their feelings. But that isn't love, but an unhealthy attachment, and such people were made for something better - someone who will receive and return their love.

'People should always carefully ‘verify’ their love before exchanging declarations.'

That is why I didn't want to say the words "I love you" even though I felt an attraction and desire and sense of belonging to my boyfriend. I wanted to make sure the words I was saying were based on truth, not just the emotion of the moment. I'know people who have been badly hurt by others using those words, without having made a firm commitment to follow through on them.

'Sympathy is a manifestation of experience rather than of activity: people succumb to it in ways which they sometimes find incomprehensible themselves, and the will is captured by the pull of emotions and sensations which bring two people closer together regardless of whether one of them has consciously chosen the other.'

JP2 uses the word 'sympathy' here to mean affinity, a feeling or experience of attraction. I think in many ways THIS is what people talk about when they say they 'fell in love'. It IS an experience that can just happen to one. It doesn't happen with everybody, but it could happen with more than one person over a lifetime. 'There's something about the way you look tonight, the turn of your head, the sweetness of your smile, the flash in your eyes as you look at me.' This actually can be very beautiful, and can in many ways supply the spark to start a fire.

'Mere intellectual recognition of another person’s worth, however wholehearted, is not love.'

Sympathy or affinity can be missing from a relationship. Just recognizing that someone is a nice person isn't enough to fall in love or build a marriage. My mum used to ask me sometimes, "What about so-and-so? Or so-and-so? Why don't you consider them?" And I used to tell her, "They're nice, but I know for sure there's nothing there."

'Yet sympathy is not by any means the whole of love, any more than excitement and emotion are the whole of a human being’s inner life — it is only one element among others. The most profound, by far the most important element is the will, in which the power to create love in a human being and between people is vested.'

So while sympathy, or affinity, or attraction is important, it is definitely not enough on its own. People have fallen in love multiple times. During tough times or dry times, spouses may have turned to someone else and experienced this sense of excitement and emotion. But is this love? NO, says JP2. So what IS the most important aspect or element? THE WILL! What an amazing superpower we have in the depths of our being - to be able to CREATE love!

'Love between a man and a woman cannot remain on the level of mere sympathy but must become friendship. For in friendship — and here it is unlike mere sympathy — the decisive part is played by the will... [Comradeship] rests on such objective foundations as joint work, common goals, shared concerns, etc. Comradeship gives a man and a woman an objective common interest, whereas sympathy links them only in a subjective way.'

By Bartolomé Esteban Murillo - [2], Public Domain, Link

This is a great way to check whether there is more to a relationship than just attraction. You can't just gaze into each other's eyes forever. You need to become a team, working together towards common goals. That is the beautiful thing about becoming a family and raising children. You are both in it together. But raising children is not the only common goal. You could work together to serve the poor, to make a home, to start a business, to do ministry together. When you are not yet married, you could start a project together (yay wedding planning!). If you do not care about any of the same things, or do not have a common goal, your love may fade. Also, if you're not interested in each other's personal goals and lives and interests apart from each other, that doesn't sound like you are friends.

'The emotions themselves are, as experience shows, rather fickle... If ‘love’ remains just sensuality, just a matter of ‘sex appeal’, it will not be love at all, but only the utilization of one person by another, or of two persons by each other... There can be no question of slurring over or neglecting the ‘sexual’ values to which the senses and emotions react. Our concern is simply to bind these values tightly to the value of the person, since love is directed not towards ‘the body’ alone, nor yet towards ‘a human being of the other sex’, but precisely towards a person.'

This understanding of love does not diminish the importance of emotions, sexual attraction and desire. But it says that we need to 'bind these values tightly to the value of the person', so that all these aspects are integrated into a commitment and responsibility to a PERSON, not just a desire that any warm body could satisfy. If someone better looking, more attractive, holier, better qualified, less demanding, and more fun showed up and was interested in you, would you still choose THIS person?

'The lover ‘goes outside’ the self to find a fuller existence in another... Take away from love the fullness of self surrender, the completeness of personal commitment, and what remains will be a total denial and negation of it.'

Finally, love becomes love when you surrender yourself to another person, when you make a commitment, when you make a mutual gift of yourselves, when you allow yourself to be vulnerable to another person. You cannot stand in the doorway forever, but have to cross the threshold. If either of you is holding back, it will never become real love.

'The greater the feeling of responsibility for the person the more true love there is... The strength of such a love emerges most clearly when the beloved person stumbles, when his or her weaknesses or even sins come into the open. One who truly loves does not then withdraw his love, but loves all the more, loves in full consciousness of the other’s shortcomings and faults, and without in the least approving of them.'

The sooner the disillusionment comes, the better. Even better if we start without illusions, when we are able to see each other as we really are, with both our strengths and weaknesses, our heroic moments, and our shameful failures. Because your reaction will show you how far you have progressed in love, or if it still superficial or selfish. Have you seen your beloved's sins come into the open? "I still love you and I will help you to get up again and move forward." That is the response of love.

So what am I learning about love? That I can confidently say to my bridegroom on our wedding day "I will love you and honour you all the days of my life" not because I'm sure I've hit the jackpot, but because I have chosen him, and he has chosen me; and because we both have been given the superpower of being able to renew and create love every day; and because God is love, and we both have recourse to Him to aid us in this vocation.

Related Reading

The Proposal

How (And Why) Not to Fall in Love

How to Love Well - Some Practical Tips

All posts related to Romance and Relationships

The Time I Confronted a Priest

I hate confrontations... Something I think I have in common with most other Indians. If you want to stress me out, just come up to me and say with a serious face: "Hi, can we talk?"

It is SO much easier to find a zillion excuses why I don't need to talk directly to someone about a stressful situation or a problem I am having with them.

But here's the thing. When I don't confront, typically one or more of these things happen-

1. I grow resentful of that person.
2. I write them off.
3. I don't give them a chance to change.
4. I spend a lot of time venting about them and the situation to others.
5. The situation doesn't change or gets worse.
6. I start actively avoiding the person.

Passive aggressive behaviour across cultures

Some years ago I was struggling with a priest I was working with. It wasn't just one stressful incident, but many encounters with me and others. So of course I did what anyone else would do in that situation. I complained about him to the people around me (who could do nothing but empathize), I got a sick feeling in my stomach every time I had to interact with him, and my opinion of him went lower and lower.

Okay, I did do one thing differently. I prayed regularly for him. And as I prayed, I eventually heard God speaking to me.

I guess I was hoping He would say something like, "Shake the dust off your feet."

Instead He said:

“If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If the member listens to you, you have regained that one." Matt 18: 15

"Ha ha, Lord, I know You don't really mean that. For me. In this situation. But great concept for other people. In other situations."

But it came up again. And again. To the point where I felt that if I DIDN'T go, I would be directly disobeying Him. So with fear and trembling, and a lot of encouragement from my close Christian friends, I prepared. I prayed a lot. I wrote down clearly what I wanted to communicate. I revved myself up. And finally I went to meet him.

How did I do it? I tried to remember some basic guidelines I had learned earlier:

1. Go with the right attitude: Don't look at the other person as a bad person, but believe that they are your brother or sister, capable of good, just with sins, weaknesses, wounds and blind spots. Believe the best, hope for something good.
2. Affirm the relationship: Start the conversation sharing that you value the other person, the relationship that you have, and the good you have experienced in and from them.
3. Don't accuse, but share your experience: Don't say 'You were rude and mean', instead 'I was hurt when you said...'
4. Be charitable: 'I know you probably didn't mean it' or 'You probably didn't realize that your tone was so sharp.'
5. Give them a way forward: 'I hope that we can have a better relationship moving forward. Next time, could you -'
6. Listen: Allow them to share their perspective and feedback, in case there was something you were missing. Be quick to take responsibility for any way that you messed up. 'You're right, I probably should have come to you earlier with this. Please forgive me.'
7. Don't expect an apology: You can't control how other people respond. Ideally, they would take responsibility for their actions and ask for forgiveness, but we live in an imperfect world, and most people are not used to being directly confronted. You may experience defensiveness, anger, blame, or just indifference. That's okay. You did your part. Trust that God will do His. You can forgive them whether or not they are sorry.

That day I faced one of my worst fears, confronting a person in authority. But I was able to speak calmly and clearly and kindly. I bet that was the first time that priest had ever had a lay person have that kind of conversation with him. And to give him credit, he sat and heard me out. It didn't end perfectly. He didn't acknowledge that he was wrong, but told me that I had misunderstood him and that was just his way. But we ended on an amicable note. I'm sure the Lord planted some seeds in that conversation, even if it was just modelling how to have a respectful confrontation. I grew a little more confident, and the priest seemed to do better after the conversation.

There is so much good fruit that comes from holy confrontations:

1. Restored friendships and relationships
2. Honesty and clarity: Suspicion and mistrust thrive in the darkness. When we talk about things, they are brought into God's light.
3. Freedom from resentment and unforgiveness
4. A clear conscience: 'If it is possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.' Romans 12:18
5. Unity and a good witness

I feel very strongly that Christians in India need to learn how to confront each other well. Relationships within families, and within parishes and communities and ministries are suffering because of our unhealthy culture of avoiding direct confrontation. We have not had good models of this, so it is a new and scary concept. But the only way to learn is to start somewhere and learn from our mistakes.

Is there anyone God is nudging you to confront?

You Are Delightful

A couple of weeks ago, my fiancé, Joel, and I were attending a friend's wedding in Bangalore. We were staying at a hotel with the family and family friends of the groom. I didn't know any of them, and they only knew me as the fiancée of the groom's best friend. But one evening after we returned hand-in-hand from a pre-wedding party, an elderly friend of the family came up to Joel and said, "You are a very lucky man - I see the way she looks at you!"

Ugh, I didn't know whether to be totally embarrassed that apparently my face was an open book to the world at large, or to be pleased that the love I felt for him was not so deeply buried that no one could tell it existed (possible side-effects of the non-demonstrative British and Indian culture I grew up in).

Sunday's first reading at Mass was from Proverbs 8 and refers to the relationship between Jesus and His Father.: 'I was daily his delight, rejoicing before him always, rejoicing in his inhabited world and delighting in the sons of men.'

It's so much easier to think of God as a teacher, a coach, a formator, a guide; someone who is trying to make us better, working on us, challenging us, calling us on. And really, He is all of those things and does all of those things. He loves me enough to want what is best for me and to help me be all I can be.

But more foundational to the relationship He wants to have with me is mutual delight. He looks at me and takes pleasure in me being me, and in me being His. And that's how I feel around Joel. When I look at him, I smile because of who he is with all his quirks and personality traits and desires and hopes and interests and even imperfections, because this human being is an unrepeatable, interesting, multifaceted creation, and because this human being is MINE (or will be soon), entrusted to me by God.

I know it's easy enough to slip into a different way of viewing even the ones we love, to focus on their flaws, to see all the ways they need to improve, all the rough edges that need smoothing, and the dull edges that need sharpening, and suddenly they are a project instead of a person. We see that with parents and kids all the time. For some reason, when they are babies and toddlers, it's easier to just unashamedly delight in them, in their tiny little fingers and toes, in their gurgles and mispronounced words, in their cheeky grins and displays of affection. But pretty soon the easiest way to relate to them is by correcting them, teaching them, directing them, and improving them.

Even worse is when we start to see the people in our lives as a means to an end, as only interesting to us in as much as they are useful to us. When we overvalue the achievements of our children because they make us look good, when the good looks or success of our spouses or children or family members are more of a status symbol or a reason to boast, when their gifts can be used to further our goals, or when we only look at the other with approval and love when they are behaving in exactly the way we want, then we are guilty of using people instead of loving them.

How do we delight in the people in our lives? First, by remembering and experiencing the delight that God takes in YOU. You are delightful! Yes, you with the crooked teeth, and the tendency to argue and over-analyze, and break into song, and laugh at inappropriate moments. You with the social awkwardness, and the extra belly fat, and the big hugs, and the habit of tearing up every time you get excited abut something. You with the agonizing self-doubt, and the frizzy hair, and the snarky comebacks, and the terrible puns. You with the stick legs, and the love of baking and cats and code and cheesy TV shows. You with the little secret acts of kindness, and the tendency to overshare and over-schedule and be late to everything. You with the love of excel sheets, and over-planning, and micro-managing, and cleaning. YOU ARE DELIGHTFUL, just as you are with all the weird and wonderful and wise and whimsical traits and habits.

No, you are not perfect, far from it. No, God does not love your sins. But your sins are not YOU. Sometimes our sins can obscure our delightfulness, but it's still there. And when God looks at you, He sees the REAL you, not just your sins and failings. And He loves you, and delights in you.

Love should be expressed in delight. Simcha Fisher in an article about choosing the right spouse wrote, 'But, women: when you think of marrying the man you’re planning to marry, you should be delighted. Delighted! Are you delighted?'

When we learn to stop and bask in God's delight, we are far more able to delight in the people around us. I once asked a couple of friends three things they liked about themselves. It was surprising how good but how hard that exercise was. It's almost as if we think it's wrong to be delighted in. No wonder it's hard to delight in others.

So take some time to delight in the people around you. Hold back the words of correction and criticism or suggestions for improvement the next time they come to your lips. Just stop and look at them. Look at them and smile. Listen to them when they tell you what they're excited about. Tell them the things about them that give you pleasure. Remove the critical or corrective lenses through which you survey the world, and instead see people the way they are, as delightful children of God. Let's rediscover delight.

Related Reading

A Ten-Year-Old Teaches Her Auntie To Pray
To Be Someone's Darling
How To Love Well - Some Practical Tips