The Proposal

“Have you bought a ring yet?”

My boyfriend looked at me with shock.

“Er.. no.”

I continued, “In that case, I just wanted you to know, I don’t want a diamond because of Blood Diamond, and it shouldn’t be too expensive. That’s it. I’m never talking about this again.”

He continued to look at me with shock and hope.

“Wait. What? Does this mean what I think it means?”

I smiled at him. “We can talk about it later. I just wanted to make sure you didn’t buy an expensive diamond ring.”

It was a few days before Christmas and we were together in Mumbai. We had a day trip planned to Panchgani a few days later, and I wanted to keep all my special revelations for that romantic spot. We had known each other for less than four months, but had entered a very intentional dating and courtship period quite soon. We were both in our thirties and ready for something real and lasting.

Part of the whole ‘intentional’ thing was being very honest after every date about where we thought we were, talking about our non-negotiables and ideas of marriage and family, meeting with a Christian couple we liked and respected to get their advice and hear how they were doing Christian marriage.

Since we didn’t know each other’s friends, I also had the novel idea of asking some of our friends to write an honest testimonial about each other. Several of Joel’s friends did write to me, and I found their emails helpful as they wrote about both his strengths and weaknesses. Only one of my friends wrote to Joel, and she managed to tactfully say nice things but also be honest about the things that I was working on. Everyone needs some friends like that.

Everything seemed right, every box was getting checked in spite of our different cultures and backgrounds. Of course his faith was the biggest factor, but it wasn’t the only one. He was calm and kind, real and honest. He was intelligent and balanced. He respected me and didn’t seem intimidated by me at all. We could have real conversations. But he was also tender and ardent. He wooed me, and made me feel beautiful, and I was beginning to fall in love with him.

“I feel like this guy really sees me and I can totally be myself with him,” I shared with my brother on a video call.

“Wow. What are you waiting for then?”

Because I was waiting. I didn’t want to say the L word until I was convinced I meant it, and it was more than a feeling. And I knew that once I talked about love, that was it for me. But how could I know if it was really love? What was the difference between attraction, compatibility and love? How could I make a commitment that I was sure I would follow through on? How could I know I would continue to feel these feelings of love?

Saint John Paul had all these answers and more. In December, we both took a few days to have a silent retreat away from each other. I read excerpts from ‘Love and Responsibility’ and a video called ‘How to Know if You’ve found "The One"’. (INTJs don’t stop being INTJs just because they fall in love.) I brought all my thoughts and feelings and fears and questions to the Lord. And in the quiet and peace of that silent retreat, I felt a confidence and desire to move forward with this man. I was ready to say ‘I love you’ and I was ready to say ‘Yes’ if and when he asked me to share my life with him.

But when was that going to be? I was pretty sure he had made up his mind already. He had said, “I love you” a few weeks earlier as we walked together after a late night date in Mumbai. But he still had his silent retreat to go. And then he needed a ring. And his family’s approval. And a romantic spot to propose. Not so easy when you live in a city! Where are the romantic secluded benches and gardens we see in the movies? In Indian cities, you’re never alone, and the gardens are all locked in the night. I secretly had my heart set on being proposed to in Panchgani.

But life and reality intruded. We did go to Panchgani just before Christmas, just after both our retreats, and I did get to share the words I had been waiting to share. It was exactly as special as I had hoped, sitting on the edge of a mountain (in spite of his discomfort with heights), overlooking the most beautiful view in the world. There were no rings yet, but our decision was made.

My family already knew where I was. They kept expecting an announcement. I successfully pranked my family by sending them a stock photo of a girl’s hand with a ring on it (as a follow up of my brother attempting to prank us by posting a stock photo of a new born baby when my sister-in-law was about to give birth any day then).

But his family needed some time to get used to the idea, as they had expected that he would have followed the arranged marriage system, and they would have been more involved. So weeks passed, and still there was no proposal.

We went to Panchgani again in January. His family was finally happy and at peace about us moving forward. I was very sure he was planning to propose, but it was just at a point when I had some major concerns that I felt we hadn’t talked about. Thankfully he talked to my mum, and she told him to pause the proposal plans until we had talked about those issues. We had a beautiful time in Panchgani (with my great-uncle playing chaperone), and we were able to clear up everything I was worried about. But it was no longer proposal weekend.

“When is he going to propose? Poor guy, he probably thinks it has to be Panchgani now.” But it was very difficult to make such a long trip with his work schedule.

"You know it doesn't have to be Panchgani, right?"

"Oh, are you trying to arrange this thing?"

"No, just wanted you to know. I'm not going to say anything more."

It was on my mind all the time, but it was the one topic I didn’t want to talk about. I knew we wanted to marry each other, but somehow I felt a ring would make it more real, especially with us living in different cities.

“When is that boyfriend of yours going to propose?” he asked me one day.

“I have no idea!” I told him. (Oh, so we’re talking about it?)

“You should tell him to get on with it!”

“I would, but I’m trying not to interfere or control this.”

“If only he was the kind of guy who had a plan!”

“I know, I wish!”

Joel was notorious for his spontaneity and lack of a plan. I fully expected that he was carrying the ring around in his pocket, and was just waiting for an opportune moment to pull it out and propose.

But I had underestimated him.

Valentine’s Day was coming up, and we planned to meet, even though we agreed it was a made-up special day and not that big a deal. “I hope he doesn’t propose then! That would be SO cheesy!”

The previous weekend I had a retreat with my team in Goa, and I knew we wouldn’t meet. I was leading the retreat and he told me he would try not to contact me too much so I could focus on the retreat. On Saturday night after a long, tiring day, I texted him. “Can we talk?” We usually talked every night, and all I wanted was to hear his voice before I went to sleep. He was online, but didn’t answer. “That’s weird,” I thought. I texted again. “I’m really tired, can we just say goodnight at least?” To my surprise, he made an excuse and said we could talk the next day. A feeling of loneliness swept over me. “It’s okay, he’s probably just busy.”

As I walked to my bedroom, one of the girls on the retreat came up to me.

“What time are you waking up tomorrow?”

“Uh.. just before breakfast.. why?”

“Well, I needed to talk to you.”

“Oh no,” I thought. “There is some huge problem I’m not aware of, and I’m too tired to deal with it.”

Still I said, “Do you want to talk now?”

“No, I’m really tired. Let’s talk tomorrow.”

I agreed, hoping that whatever the problem was, it would settle down, and wouldn’t need my intervention the next day.

But the next day, I woke up and saw a text from her. “We really need to talk. I’m out on the rocks. Can you meet me?” The retreat center was perched on the edge of a rocky beach, so I immediately headed out. “Oh no, the crisis had worsened if she REALLY needs to talk. How could it have gotten worse in the night?”

I was dressed in a salwar kameez that I had brought for Mass, and my hair was dirty because I knew I wasn’t meeting Joel that weekend so I hadn’t planned on looking my best.

As I walked out, I began to think, “What if this is all an elaborate ruse and it’s really Joel waiting for me on the rocks? It was kind of odd that he didn’t talk to me last night. But no, it’s very unlikely he would have come all the way here. It’s too long a journey, and anyway we’re meeting in four days. But what if it is? How great would that be! Okay, stop! If you go round the curve and it’s really Remil waiting there and not Joel, you are in for quite the disappointment. You need to prepare yourself for a painful heart to heart counselling session, not a romantic assignation.”

I rounded the corner… and there was Remil sitting on a rock. I swallowed my disappointment and said, “Hey! What’s happening?” She immediately jumped up and with a guilty look on her face said, “Let’s walk!”

All my spidey-senses were tingling at this point. A few seconds later, my heart leapt as I saw what had become the most beloved face in the world on the rocks below. My boyfriend had taken a twelve hour train ride just to surprise me… and yes, to propose to me.

I was in his arms a few seconds later, holding on tight. But then I let him go, as I realized (always practical) that he probably couldn’t propose if I didn’t let him go. He got down on one knee, pulled out a ring box, and made a speech. I don’t remember a word that he said except “Will you marry me?” I can’t remember what I said either, but it was probably, “Of course!” He had a ring specially designed for me, it was not a diamond and it was very pretty.

We went to Mass with my community members (we were late!), and after that I still had to lead parts of the retreat, but we managed to spend some blissful hours together before he got on an uncomfortable bus, travelled all night, and went straight to work the next morning. He even left me his neck pillow for my journey home. True love, amirite?

I know proposals aren’t the most important part of relationships, but it was pretty special that this man went the extra (almost 400) mile(s) to make it a memorable one... and that the Lord gave us a gorgeous scenic location instead of a dirty city street. God surprised me with a man who loves me just a little bit like He loves me, with an extravagant, thoughtful, sacrificial love. Who could ask for more?