The 'Am I a Racist?' Test for Indians

“I’m Indian! I’m brown! I can’t be racist!”

Oh, no?

Do you think fairer people are objectively more attractive? Have you complimented someone’s looks by referring to how fair they are, or how they look like (white) foreigners? Do you often comment on your own or others’ skin tone changes after being in the sun? Do you tell people to cover up so they don't get darker? Do you wear socks and gloves and long sleeves when you go out in the sun because you're afraid of getting darker? Do you think ‘fair North Indians’ are more ‘beautiful’ than ‘dark South Indians?’

How often do you see Indian couples with very different skin tones? Does it surprise you when you do? Do you think it's natural that someone who is darker is less likely to find a spouse easily? Do you think it's natural that a fairer skinned applicant would be preferred in many jobs? Have you noticed fairer kids in school are treated better by the teachers than darker-skinned kids?

Do you feel bad for parents when their new baby has a darker skin tone? Have you seen siblings treated a little differently because one is darker and the other fairer? Have you ever comfortingly told someone that they’re also fair? Not that dark comparatively? Have you ever heard kids use nicknames based on the darkness of someone’s skin? Have you used nicknames like that? Have you ever felt instinctively that darker-skinned people are 'dirtier', and shied away from touching them?

Have you ever felt the lack of dark skinned dolls? Or thought it was normal to colour skin with what is called 'skin colour' but which is really pinky-peach? Have you ever encouraged kids to colour pictures of themselves with their actual skin colour- usually brown?

Do you instinctively trust someone who is fairer, or assume they must be educated and privileged? Do you look with suspicion at darker strangers? Do you use fairness products and get your own skin bleached? Do you think it’s normal for brides to look five shades fairer on their wedding day? Are you more likely to be respectful and accepting of white foreigners than black foreigners? African students in India have shared many horrible experiences at the hands of locals. But white foreigners are usually treated like royalty.

Have you noticed how often billboard advertisements for everything from housing societies to hospitals to schools feature families of white foreigners instead of Indians? And when they do feature Indians they are very fair too? Most movies and ads use fairer skinned actors and models. It’s extremely rare to see even medium brown skin on a main character, let alone really dark skin.

We are all the product of the prejudices of our society, of our families, of the people around us, of the media we consume and are exposed to. Biases don’t automatically go away unless we acknowledge them and work on allowing the truth into our minds and hearts. It’s not only skin colour. It's weight, height, and clothes. It’s subconscious biases based on education, community (aka caste), religion, language, and wealth. It's every time we refer to an entire group as ‘those people’. It’s easier to see it when other people are doing it. But self-examination is far more fruitful than pointing fingers and feeling self-righteous.

Sometimes when I work with kids, I’ve had these kinds of conversations: “Which is better? Dark skin or fair skin?” If they know me well, they hesitate, knowing that the obvious answer may not be right. Sometimes they’ll answer the obvious answer: “Fair skin!”

“Why is fair skin better? Did you know God made people all over the world with different colours?”

I show them pictures. “Do you think God loves some more than others? Or he made a mistake? No! He gave each one their own skin colour because he thinks they’re ALL beautiful! Now we just have to look at people the way God looks at them!”

Then we look at babies of different ethnicities and skin tones and say “Wow! So cute!” to all of them. “He thinks you are beautiful too! And your skin colour is lovely!” They look at their arms in surprise. You can see the slow change of perspective. It will probably take a while. But we must start somewhere. Preferably with ourselves and our own families.

Related Posts

Fluency in English is the White Privilege of India

We Belong to Each Other

The SAHM Series: Why do Stay-At-Home-Mums Stay at Home? (Part 1 of 3)

A generation or two ago in India, most mothers were stay-at-home-mothers (aka SAHMs). It was the exception for women to work in an office or workplace after being married. In fact, even today, many Indian women don’t have the option of work outside the home, and are expected to cut short their studies or not have any career goals or dreams because the only permissible role of a woman is that of a wife and mother.

But in many cities nowadays, the reverse is true. It is no longer socially acceptable in many circles for an educated woman to leave her full-time job and be at home with her children. It is seen as backward and a waste of potential, especially since a double income brings with it a sense of financial security in an expensive world. With grandparents usually offering free childcare in India, it seems logical to have both spouses working full-time outside the home.

In many households, women are expected to be up early to handle all the household chores, cooking and cleaning, before leaving for work, and then to return home and continue the routine. ‘A woman’s work is never done’ is never truer in such homes. In other homes, especially in the upper middle class, families are able to afford a maid, and spouses are learning to share the remaining chores and parenting responsibilities.

In the current climate, there are still some women who have chosen to leave their jobs and work part-time from home or focus fully on their home and young children. I have interviewed five young women to hear more about their motivation and stories.

Jeanne* worked as an interior designer at an architecture firm for over five years. She and her husband hope to have several children, and they did in fact have two daughters (2yo and 9mo) within their first three years of marriage. Jeanne realized pretty soon that she didn’t want to be away from her children when they were very young, so together with her husband, she made the decision to leave her job.

Few people seemed to understand her decision. “The world isn't very appreciative of stay-at-home mothers. I get support from family, my Christian community and close friends. From everyone else, there is a lack of understanding. “She's small now, you'll go back to work when she's older of course.” “You're wasting your talents.” “Don't you get bored sitting at home?”

Anna*, mother of two (6yo and 1yo), worked as a Chartered Financial Analyst (CFA). After finishing her studies, her only dream was to work with the best finance companies in the world. She achieved her dream, and worked for eight years at a very demanding job with client calls starting late evening and going into the night. “I never thought that I would give it all up to care for my children. It took me some time to realize that I had my life figured out all wrong. It was the toughest decision I have ever taken. Some may assume I don't have motherly feelings, but after I had studied so hard, managed to get a good finance job and risen to a good position, it was really hard to let go.”

But Anna was not happy. She could see her son for only an hour on weekdays, her parents were getting burnt out, and she was conscious of the fact that he was her child, not theirs, to care for. Her son would sit outside the bathroom when she went to freshen up after returning from work. She had no time to take him down to play and no time to spend with her spouse. All these factors finally mattered much more than her professional achievements.

It was a personal decision that Anna and her husband made together, after careful considering their financial commitments. They felt that if they could sacrifice a few pleasures and manage to make ends meet, having more time for their home and kids made it worth it. Her decision was reinforced by her Christian faith and certain bible verses, as well as the encouragement of other mothers who shared their personal experiences of how their home was more organized and the kids were happier since they chose to be at home.

Everyone had an opinion about Anna’s decision. “Putting down my papers didn't come without its share of criticism. Right from my maid (she was afraid she would lose her job) to my managers, everyone had something to say. I got the most enticing offers. ‘Oh, why don't you take a two or three month break in service, or you can work from home for a few months?’ I didn't get these offers when I had to leave baby and join work full-time. I had people even asking me if I was mad to give up everything at this stage after achieving so much.”

Venora, now mother of three (6yo, 4yo and 10mo), quit her full time job as a learning and development professional while expecting her first baby. “My mother was a SAHM and I think that played a pivotal role in my wanting to be at home to see all my child's firsts.”

She continues to freelance professionally and take up part-time projects when possible, keeping the kids' schedule in mind. “I decided to take up training projects when my second son was about six months old. I remember taking him with me to Dubai for a two week training once. The Lord provided for a baby sitter there and gave me the courage to leave him with a lovely aunty every morning. But it broke my heart because I could hear him cry till I got to the main road every day. His teary eyes would greet me on my return. Those two weeks were traumatic on a personal front yet fulfilling professionally. My husband and his parents cared for my older son at home, and we would video chat every day. But I didn't want to go through that very often.”

Venora and her husband were able to make the decision for her to be a SAHM because they have also chosen to live very minimalist lives. “Whenever we needed extra cash, either one of us landed an extra project or there's been some opportunity or another. God provides.”

Initially as they prioritized family life, Venora and her husband had more critics than supporters, but by the time their third child came along, they had more admirers. They met people who told them they decided to have a second baby only because they had their third.

Adele, mother of two (6yo and 8yo), worked in the NGO sector. She left her full-time job even before she had kids, not because anyone asked or expected her to, but because she believed that was what God was calling her to do so. She chose not to return to full-time paid work in order to prioritise the spiritual and emotional needs of her family. “In my opinion, my family’s needs can't be met by delegating care-giving to a paid employee, however skilled or experienced they might be.”

Reactions varied from judgmental silence, to weird assumptions or questions, as well as the glorification of being a full time mother. Adele would just laugh them off and get on with living her life.

Kiersten (mother of a 5mo) is the only American I interviewed, and in many ways the situation seems very different for her. She received support and encouragement from her social circles to give up her freelance work as videographer/editor/public relations assistant after the birth of her baby. It made more sense financially for her to be at home as childcare in her part of the US is expensive. “My husband is my biggest champion and always lets me know that if I change my mind and want to go back to work, he is absolutely on board.”

*Names changed.

Related Reading

The SAHM Series: Are Stay-at-Home-Mums Happy? (Part 2 of 3)

The SAHM Series: Tips and Advice from Stay-At-Home-Mums (Part 3 of 3)

The Time I Confronted a Priest

I hate confrontations... Something I think I have in common with most other Indians. If you want to stress me out, just come up to me and say with a serious face: "Hi, can we talk?"

It is SO much easier to find a zillion excuses why I don't need to talk directly to someone about a stressful situation or a problem I am having with them.

But here's the thing. When I don't confront, typically one or more of these things happen-

1. I grow resentful of that person.
2. I write them off.
3. I don't give them a chance to change.
4. I spend a lot of time venting about them and the situation to others.
5. The situation doesn't change or gets worse.
6. I start actively avoiding the person.

Passive aggressive behaviour across cultures

Some years ago I was struggling with a priest I was working with. It wasn't just one stressful incident, but many encounters with me and others. So of course I did what anyone else would do in that situation. I complained about him to the people around me (who could do nothing but empathize), I got a sick feeling in my stomach every time I had to interact with him, and my opinion of him went lower and lower.

Okay, I did do one thing differently. I prayed regularly for him. And as I prayed, I eventually heard God speaking to me.

I guess I was hoping He would say something like, "Shake the dust off your feet."

Instead He said:

“If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If the member listens to you, you have regained that one." Matt 18: 15

"Ha ha, Lord, I know You don't really mean that. For me. In this situation. But great concept for other people. In other situations."

But it came up again. And again. To the point where I felt that if I DIDN'T go, I would be directly disobeying Him. So with fear and trembling, and a lot of encouragement from my close Christian friends, I prepared. I prayed a lot. I wrote down clearly what I wanted to communicate. I revved myself up. And finally I went to meet him.

How did I do it? I tried to remember some basic guidelines I had learned earlier:

1. Go with the right attitude: Don't look at the other person as a bad person, but believe that they are your brother or sister, capable of good, just with sins, weaknesses, wounds and blind spots. Believe the best, hope for something good.
2. Affirm the relationship: Start the conversation sharing that you value the other person, the relationship that you have, and the good you have experienced in and from them.
3. Don't accuse, but share your experience: Don't say 'You were rude and mean', instead 'I was hurt when you said...'
4. Be charitable: 'I know you probably didn't mean it' or 'You probably didn't realize that your tone was so sharp.'
5. Give them a way forward: 'I hope that we can have a better relationship moving forward. Next time, could you -'
6. Listen: Allow them to share their perspective and feedback, in case there was something you were missing. Be quick to take responsibility for any way that you messed up. 'You're right, I probably should have come to you earlier with this. Please forgive me.'
7. Don't expect an apology: You can't control how other people respond. Ideally, they would take responsibility for their actions and ask for forgiveness, but we live in an imperfect world, and most people are not used to being directly confronted. You may experience defensiveness, anger, blame, or just indifference. That's okay. You did your part. Trust that God will do His. You can forgive them whether or not they are sorry.

That day I faced one of my worst fears, confronting a person in authority. But I was able to speak calmly and clearly and kindly. I bet that was the first time that priest had ever had a lay person have that kind of conversation with him. And to give him credit, he sat and heard me out. It didn't end perfectly. He didn't acknowledge that he was wrong, but told me that I had misunderstood him and that was just his way. But we ended on an amicable note. I'm sure the Lord planted some seeds in that conversation, even if it was just modelling how to have a respectful confrontation. I grew a little more confident, and the priest seemed to do better after the conversation.

There is so much good fruit that comes from holy confrontations:

1. Restored friendships and relationships
2. Honesty and clarity: Suspicion and mistrust thrive in the darkness. When we talk about things, they are brought into God's light.
3. Freedom from resentment and unforgiveness
4. A clear conscience: 'If it is possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.' Romans 12:18
5. Unity and a good witness

I feel very strongly that Christians in India need to learn how to confront each other well. Relationships within families, and within parishes and communities and ministries are suffering because of our unhealthy culture of avoiding direct confrontation. We have not had good models of this, so it is a new and scary concept. But the only way to learn is to start somewhere and learn from our mistakes.

Is there anyone God is nudging you to confront?

Part 1 - Parents and Children - Ten Catholic Teachings Most Indian Catholics Get Wrong

Have you done the quiz yet? Don't read this until you've done the quiz!

How Much Do You Know About Catholic Teaching? (Click the link to do the quiz.)

A lot of you may be mad at me for this, but I was kind of tricky in my quiz, leaving some seeds of truths in the wrong answers, which obviously made it harder to get the correct one. Also the correct answers didn't always include the full truth. Really the question should have been 'Which option is the closest to the truth?' But if you read carefully and have a very good understanding of the nuances of Catholic teaching, you would have got a good score that you can be proud of.

And if you didn't, hopefully your curiosity was sparked, and you want to know how you could have possibly got that obviously correct answer wrong. So here goes! Enjoy!

1. What role does a parent play in the choice of one's career and spouse? 

1. A major role - It is the right and responsibility of the Catholic parent to direct and influence a child's choice of career and spouse according to what is best for them

CORRECT ANSWER: 2. A minor role - Catholic parents should be careful not to exert pressure on their children either in the choice of a profession or in that of a spouse.

3. A deciding role - Catholic parents should make the final decision about their child's career and spouse after listening to their child and taking it to prayer

4. An advisory role - Catholic parents should offer a selection of careers and options for spouses based on their child's personality and the needs of the family, and then allow them to choose one of the options

The tricky part was the words 'minor' being right and 'advisory' being wrong. Here's what the Catechism has to say about it.

CCC 2230 When they become adults, children have the right and duty to choose their profession and state of life. They should assume their new responsibilities within a trusting relationship with their parents, willingly asking and receiving their advice and counsel. Parents should be careful not to exert pressure on their children either in the choice of a profession or in that of a spouse. This necessary restraint does not prevent them - quite the contrary from giving their children judicious advice, particularly when they are planning to start a family.

I did use the word minor deliberately though, because it is MAJORLY the decision and choice of the individual themselves. Indian parents, God has NOT asked you to pick a spouse or a career for your child. You cannot give them a selection to choose from, or tell them they may NOT marry some particular individual, or threaten to cut them off if they do.

What you can and should do is give them judicious advice, and then pray that they make the right decision. Even better is to help and train them from the time they are young to seek the Lord, and to learn how to make wise and responsible decisions. Focus on building a trusting relationship so that they feel comfortable consulting you without feeling you will pressure them in one way or another. You cannot and should not try to control their lives.

And Catholic adults, it is your right and duty to choose your own profession and state of life and spouse. It is not somehow holier to leave it all in the hands of your parents.

2. What does a Catholic adult owe his/her parents? 

1. Nothing; an adult is responsible only for himself or herself
2. Obedience in all things and financial support as soon as and as long as they are earning as required by the commandment 'Honor your father and mother'
3. Honor and respect, unless the parents have neglected their duties as parents
CORRECT ANSWER 4. As much as they can, material and moral support in old age and in times of illness, loneliness, or distress

Another misconception in India propagated by many within the Church is that obedience to parents is the highest good, a holy and unbreakable commandment. That is not however what the Church says. What DOES it say? As CHILDREN living at home, we are expected to obey our parents in all things (except in matter of sin). But as adults, no longer under the legal custody of our parents, we do NOT have to obey them in all things. We are responsible for our own decisions, and though we should willingly seek their advice, we are not under any obligation to do what they demand or expect.

CCC 2217 As long as a child lives at home with his parents, the child should obey his parents in all that they ask of him when it is for his good or that of the family. But if a child is convinced in conscience that it would be morally wrong to obey a particular order, he must not do so.

 As they grow up, children should continue to respect their parents. They should anticipate their wishes, willingly seek their advice, and accept their just admonitions. Obedience toward parents ceases with the emancipation of the children; not so respect, which is always owed to them.

It is a little trickier when adults live with their parents as is often the case in India. My understanding though is that if you are contributing financially to the household and no longer dependent on your parents, you have the same right to make your own decisions. If things become difficult - like parents demanding obedience in unreasonable matters, it may be better to move out. And on the parents'part, if you have adult children living at home and NOT taking on their share of responsibilities at home, you may need to ask them to take on those responsibilities, or move out. The only WRONG solution is to continue treating them as if they were still children, instructing, nagging, and controlling.

Whether parents deserve it or not, we are still obligated to show them respect and honour. (That doesn't mean remaining within an abusive relationship.)

[I promise I'm going to write a Boundaries post about this topic.]

What about our financial obligations to our parents? I remember a young man in his twenties telling me that his salary went straight to his parents, and they gave him an allowance out of that. That does  not sound like a healthy parent-child relationship, but unfortunately it doesn't sound very surprising in India.

What does the Church say?

CCC 2218 The fourth commandment reminds grown children of their responsibilities toward their parents. As much as they can, they must give them material and moral support in old age and in times of illness, loneliness, or distress.

If your parents have their own source of income and are not in financial need, or are able to work, you are not obligated to support them financially. What about the money they spent on your education? Parents do not HAVE to fund your higher education. You can take loans, get scholarships, and pay your own way. Your parents could even be the ones to loan you the money. If they choose to freely save up and pay for your education, or a large part of it, then they should have done so without any expectations of return. You are free to repay them if you desire. But if they are comfortably off and you need to make financial decisions for your own spouse and children, your obligation is to your new family.

When they are older however, or struggling in any way, you ARE responsible for them, whether or not they contributed financially to your education.

There is a lot of wisdom the Church offers us about the relationships, rights and responsibilities within families. Sadly, we often take unhealthy cultural norms and act as if they are God's law. We see the ill-effects all around us, in interference and control, in resentment and rebellion, in neglect and manipulation, in irresponsible and entitled behavior. God's truth reaches into these broken places and offers us ways to set things right.

There's a lot more good stuff about the parent-child relationship in the Catechism. Go ahead and read about the fourth commandment if you're interested.

Part 2 - Coming Soon

Related Reading

A Catholic Perspective on Arranged Marriages

13 Ways Parents Can Help Their Kids Choose Christ 

Moving from Pleaser to Rebel to Lover

Catholics Worship Idols Too

Non-Catholic Christians look at my blog title and say “Aha! We knew it! You Catholics and all those statues.” But of course, I’m not talking about the practice of veneration of statues, which is supposed to be a way to remind us of the holy men and women who went before us.

You know, kind of like Nativity scenes

For Christians, the first commandment plainly sets the foundation of our faith - that there is only one God and nothing and no one should be given the place that belongs to Him alone. We pray it in the Creed, we happily recite the first commandment in Sunday School, and as Christians living in India, we are well aware that we do not worship idols in the way that many of our Hindu friends and neighbours do. Unlike the West, Indian Christians see actual idols as we walk down the street most days, but perhaps that makes us complacent about the first commandment, as if it has nothing to do with us. But idol worship can come in far more insidious ways.

Okay let’s get down to what the Church says about the first commandment.

Idolatry not only refers to false pagan worship. It remains a constant temptation to faith. Idolatry consists in divinizing what is not God. Man commits idolatry whenever he honors and reveres a creature in place of God… power, pleasure, race, ancestors, the state, money, etc. Jesus says, "You cannot serve God and mammon."… Idolatry rejects the unique Lordship of God; it is therefore incompatible with communion with God. Human life finds its unity in the adoration of the one God. The commandment to worship the Lord alone integrates man and saves him from an endless disintegration. Idolatry is a perversion of man's innate religious sense. An idolater is someone who "transfers his indestructible notion of God to anything other than God.”CCC 2113 - 2114

This seems like a concept most of us can accept… until it challenges the way we choose to live our lives. How do we know when something has become an idol, when we have started placing our trust in something or someone other than God?

A couple of years I attended a retreat at a Carmelite retreat center and the priest talked a lot about one of the biggest obstacles to growth in prayer being unhealthy attachments. It was one of the most convicting retreats I’ve ever been to. But here are some of the things that helped me know when I was allowing some value or thing to crowd God out of my heart.

• When I start thinking or acting as if I MUST HAVE that thing in order to be happy 
• When the thought of losing that thing fills me with disturbance and fear
• When I get angry or combative or defensive or anxious when someone tries to tell me I can’t have it 
• When I don’t want to bring that thing or activity or desire to God because I’m afraid of what He’s going to tell me about it 
• When I tell God ‘You can have everything, but not that thing.’ 
• When I make my decisions based on ensuring I have that thing, rather than on a true openness to the guidance of God 
• When I spend more time thinking and talking and scheming about that thing than I do on seeking God or serving others 
• When I’m not willing to ask my Christian leaders for their counsel and thoughts about that area 

So what are some of the things that are common idols to Catholics in India? 

- Our plans: Okay, that is far from exclusive to India. Most of us have a plan for our lives. We ask God to bless the plan, we pray novenas so that it will all work out. But have we asked God if it’s HIS plan? When we don’t get it, are we resentful and angry with God? Are we open to a totally different plan if God leads us to it? It could be a plan to marry, to get into a particular educational course, to emigrate, and to have it all on a particular timeline. I remember one guy who was longing to get married saying, “I just KNOW that God wants me to be married, so I can’t be happy or satisfied until it happens.” Um, that’s not how God works.

- A particular person: This is very often the person we fall in love with, but it could be any other person who we have an unhealthy dependence on. If any person becomes more important to you than God, or whose presence in your life takes you away from God or His will for you, if you place your entire security and happiness and peace in the hands of another human being, you exchange the freedom of love for the insecurity and neediness of a dysfunctional relationship. Very often long drawn out unrequited love or infatuation is a sign that that a person has become an idol.

- Worldly success: I was recently chatting with some friends about how often the phrase ‘blessings’ has come to mean money, or financial success, as if that was the highest value or God’s greatest desire for us. We often act as if that is the central guiding principal for our lives, and anything that does not advance our success cannot be God’s will for us. Many people find the idea of taking a gap year to serve the poor or do mission work shocking and impractical because it could affect future career options. God may or may not have visible success as His plan for Your life. Set your hearts on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. Store up for yourselves treasure in heaven.

 - Our comfort zones: We are ready to serve God , to do good, to help others… as long as it’s easy and comfortable to us, in a familiar place, in a language we know, and in a sanitized and very clear-cut structure. Sometime there are no easy answers, it’s dirty or weird or just plain unfamiliar, and it STILL could be God’s will for us. If we say NO just because something seems hard or uncomfortable, then guess what? Our comfort zone has become our idol.

- Our little luxuries: Most of us have certain luxuries that have become needs. It could be certain snacks or chocolates or alcohol or clothes or new shoes, things that are not BAD, but just a little expensive, and not necessary, but that we always make sure we have money for, and that we don’t always ask God his opinion on. ‘Of course I can help the poor, but I’m sure He wouldn’t ask me to give up THAT.’

- Our leisure time: This can become sacred, something we will fight to the death to protect. I’ve done my duty, I’ve been ‘on’ for a while, and this is MY time. No one and nothing has a right to take that away from me. Except you know, God does have that right. I remember one day I was on the formation team for our new volunteers, and it was the end of a long day. I was exhausted, and I remember thinking, “I’m done. Nothing more.” And then one of the girls I was mentoring came up to me and tremulously said, “Sue… do you have a moment to talk?” I was SO TEMPTED in that moment to say, “No, I’m tired. Let’s talk tomorrow.” After a brief internal struggle with the Lord, I said, “Sure. Let’s find a quiet place and talk.” It turned out she was going through some major struggles and that was exactly where God needed me to be at the end of that day.

- Social approval: ‘What will people say?’ This is such a deeply rooted value, something many of us have grown up with as a central motivating factor for our family decisions. But that has never been a priority to the saints who very often challenged the status quo, the cultural norms of each age in order to allow the light of the Gospel in more fully. To renew a culture from within we need prophets, people willing to hold up each aspect of a culture to the light of the Gospel, and throw out anything that does not glorify God, even if it means braving the disapproval of the world at large.

‘In the process of encountering the world's different cultures, the Church not only transmits her truths and values and renews cultures from within, but she also takes from the various cultures the positive elements already found in them. This is the obligatory path for evangelizers in presenting the Christian faith and making it part of a people's cultural heritage. Conversely, the various cultures, when refined and renewed in the light of the Gospel, can become true expressions of the one Christian faith.’ John Paul II, Ecclesia in Asia 21

- Family: Christians are all about the importance and value of family and familial relationships. And yet Jesus said some very controversial things about families including ‘Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me’ and many other such family-dividing kind of statements. Didn’t Jesus care about family unity? Of course He did, but precisely because family is so important, He knew exactly how easily it could turn into an idol. India, like Jewish culture of that time is a very family-oriented culture, which is both a potential strength and pitfall.

‘Once we make the decision to follow Jesus then every other claimant to supremacy must fall away. As I’ve argued many times before, every one of us has something or some set of values that we consider greatest. Perhaps it is money, material things, power, or the esteem of others. Perhaps it is your family, your kids, your wife, your husband. None of this is false, and none of these things are bad. But when you place any of them in the absolute center of gravity, things go awry. When you make any of them your ultimate or final good, your spiritual life goes haywire. When you attach yourself to any of them with an absolute tenacity, you will fall apart. Only when we make Christ the cornerstone of our lives are we truly ready for mission. Keep in mind that every encounter with God in the Bible conduces to mission, to being sent to do the work of the Lord. If we try to do this work while we are stuck to any number of attachments, we will fail. Period.’ Bishop Robert Barron

So how can we cast our idols down? How can we make God our center of gravity? 

- If you haven’t done it already, ask God to be the center and Lord of your life. You actually have to make that choice and speak those words to Him. If you were baptized as a baby, your parents chose that for you, but you as an adult have to ratify your baptism. “Lord I want nothing more, nothing less, and nothing other than Your will for my life.”

- Pray EVERY DAY and bring EVERYTHING to Him. There is no aspect of your life God is not concerned with. It is often in the quiet of our prayer time that God is even able to point out our idols.

- If you notice something becoming too important to you, and bringing that disturbance in your heart, step back from it for a little while. Stop using the phone, get a dabba phone instead. Delete Facebook. Give away those shoes. Go on a snack fast.

- Be aware that God very often DOES ask us to do counter-cultural things, just to help us make a clearer and stronger choice to allow Him to be God, and sometimes to be a witness to the world that doesn’t even acknowledge that its idols ARE idols. Say yes when He invites you to do so even if no one else understands.

You know, like Bishop Barron says, none of these things are bad things. We DO need to make plans, to pursue careers, to love our families. Enjoying occasional luxuries or treats is not a sin. Our culture and community involvement can be a gift and a support. Leisure and rest is important. The danger is when good things take the place of God. When we allow God to be God, everything falls into place, and we are able to live life with more freedom and less fear. God wants to free us from our idols because they will never satisfy us, and they will never allow us to live fully the adventure God has planned for our lives. ‘For freedom Christ has set us free. Therefore stand firm, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.’ Galatians 5: 1

Related Reading

Save Us from Social Embarrassment

The Time I Went on a Five Day Silent Retreat

The Two Big Missing Pieces of Our Catholic Faith

The Lent Project #6 The Secret to Peace, Lent and Everything

Log Kya Kahege? (What Will People Say?) by Fr. Warner D'Souza

How to Do Leadership Jesus-Style

In this Sunday’s Gospel, Jesus has some rather pointed things to say to Christian leaders. "Whoever wishes to be great among you will be your servant; whoever wishes to be first among you will be the slave of all. For the Son of Man did not come to be served but to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many." Mark 10:45

I think it’s easy growing up in India to think that an authoritarian style is what is expected of anyone who has to take on the mantle of leadership. (Authoritarian: favouring or enforcing strict obedience to authority at the expense of personal freedom.) People have been under such leaders, served their time, and by the time they reach that position, without examining whether it is effective or right, they start doing the same thing. 

I haven’t had to lead many people, but I have been in various positions of leadership of small groups of people over the years. I thought I was a pretty good leader, or at least doing okay until I received a couple of talks about leadership from my organization.

To my shock, I realized I was doing everything wrong, because I didn’t really know what was expected of me as a leader. In my mind, a leader makes sure everyone know what they’re supposed to be doing, keeps everything running smoothly, organizes schedules and structures, and if necessary corrects or reminds people if they are failing in their duties.

This is what I found after listening to those talks, and observing my own leaders, and making plenty of mistakes of my own:

1. A good Christian leader’s first responsibility is to his or her team members, even ahead of getting things done, being productive or successful. People before tasks. I am not running a machine or a business, but I have PEOPLE who have been entrusted to me. That means their needs and feelings and thoughts and problems are more important than even ‘the good of the community’. A community is made up of individual people. They are not just cogs in a wheel, or projects to be fixed so they fit better into a structure or a plan. 

2. It’s my job to KNOW and LOVE those people. Even if they are very different from me, I need to know what makes them tick, what blesses them, what they’re good at, what their love language is, what their struggles are, where they need healing and mercy. The point is not to make best use of them, but to make sure they know they are loved and known. You can’t love what you do not know. You can't use people as resources.

3. It’s my job to ‘waste time’ with these people. I love how my leaders are constantly kidding around with us, finding something to joke about. I’m sure they have enough things on their mind to keep it strictly to business, but they deliberately choose to set those things aside for a while.

4. It is my job to SERVE my team! That means not just letting them know what they need to be doing, but going out of my way to do little tasks to bless them:

• Cheerfully going the extra mile, or picking up the slack in menial tasks, washing dishes, sweeping floors, mopping up spills
• Being quick to jump up and serve everyone including children and the poor and people under me
• Being quick to respond to any request for help even if it’s inconvenient, not just serving when and how I prefer
• Getting up and going to the next room when someone says something from there and I can’t hear what they said
• Offering to make food, tea or whatever people need even if it’s not technically my job

5. I need to be their greatest encourager and cheerleader. I’ve failed miserably at this one. Not just on birthdays or special occasions, I need to make sure they know I believe in them, I value them, I think they’re pretty awesome, and that I’m blessed to be serving alongside them. There have been so many times that my leaders have just looked around the room and with sincerity (and sometimes with tears in their eyes) said “I am SO privileged to be serving with such sacrificial, holy men and women!” This also means when they come up with a new idea or try something new, I need to be the person saying, “I believe in you! You can do this!”, not primarily being a critic or a naysayer. Of course some words of guidance or prudence are often needed, but they should not be the only things I say.

6. I need to be very careful while exerting my authority: In the Gospel, Jesus said "You know that those who are recognized as rulers over the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones make their authority over them felt. But it shall not be so among you.” Mark 10: 42-42 Authority is important, but it is so easy to misuse. The primary relationship between a leader and anyone under them should be one of love and encouragement. Exerting authority or asking for obedience should only happen in important matters, it should not be the norm in the way they relate. It should never be used just to make a point, or in matters that are my personal opinion or not my decision to make. There are times though when I do need to exert that authority, but I should do so kindly and in a way that is easy to swallow. 

7. I am in charge of setting the tone: A leader needs to be joyful, holy and sacrificial because usually they are the ones setting the standard. If I’m not praying every day, it is quite likely my community members will not think it’s that big a deal if they don’t. If I walk around with a long face, being grumbly and downcast (been there, done that), that mood is sure to spread. But if I am cheerful, upbeat, if I jump into prayer and song regardless of others’ long faces, that spreads too! I also need to be willing to be vulnerable, admit my fault, and share my struggles, because people need to know that it’s okay to struggle as long as we keep returning to Jesus, the only perfect one.

8. I need to pray for them and remember God is in charge: It can be easy to feel like I am the primary shepherd of this person… but I am not! God is, and He is able to heal, restore, love, guide and shape this person far better than I am. I have no need to be anxious or irritated if they are not where I feel they should be, but regularly pray for them and entrust them to His care.

9. If I set high standards, I need to help them meet them, and be merciful if and when they fail. They need to know they can come to me and tell me they are struggling. They should know I am not inflexible or unsympathetic, but merciful like Jesus. 'For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who has similarly been tested in every way, yet without sin. So let us confidently approach the throne of grace to receive mercy and to find grace for timely help.' Heb 4:15-16

I have failed very often as a leader. But I am trying to do better. I am helped by seeing models of what I want to be, and of course by following Jesus, with His extremely counter-cultural leadership style. Actually this list is good for not only leaders of teams or ministries or communities, but for parents, teachers, priests and sisters, anyone who has people in their care. If we are good leaders, we are forming not just good disciples but also people who themselves will be good leaders one day.

Here’s a quick list to print if you want to do a regular check (check yo’self before you wreck yo’self):

Have I encouraged or praised the people in my care today?
Have I really listened to their thoughts and feelings or dismissed them?
Have I prayed for them today?
Have I ‘wasted time’ with them today – chatted, asked how their day is going, played a prank, made a joke?
Have I given in when possible, or insisted on my way when it was not necessary?
Have I encouraged them in their own ventures and interests and efforts even if those were not my idea?
Have I been a joyful presence?
Have I been gentle when giving correction?
Have I told them how blessed I am to be their leader/parent/teacher?
Have I found out their love languages and tried to use them?
Have I served them with my hands today?
Have I asked them questions about their likes, dislikes, thoughts, feelings and opinions?
Have I set aside my other tasks when I noticed they needed a listening ear?
Have I been humble and open about my own faults, struggles and weaknesses?
Have I asked their forgiveness when I have lost my temper, been over critical or distracted or impatient, or failed them in any other way?
Have I said and done things the way I would prefer to have them said and done to me?
Have I been sympathetic when they shared their struggles or failures?

Jesus-Type Leader Checklist (printable pdf)

Related Reading

The Strange Effect of Foot Washing

How To Love Well - Some Practical Tips

How to Know You're Failing At Humility

The Great Indian Road Race

Like most young (I use the term loosely) middle class adults in big Indian cities, I spend a lot of time zooming around the streets on my two-wheeler (aka moped by non-Indians). I have often found myself thinking how well Indian roads would lend themselves to an excellent video game. Now granted I’m not an expert on video games, but I remember riding a motorcycle on Road Rash and kicking my competitors. Just empty roads and speeding along them. How much more exciting and challenging Indian roads are! So for all you game-makers out there, here’s my best shot, and I expect a chunk of the profits.

Level 1: Pedestrian 

This is the underdog of the streets, but we must all start here. As the Pedestrian, you must dodge bikes, cars, buses, and excrement (human and animal) while trying to make it from Point A to Point B. You can choose between the streets or the sidewalk. You’d think the sidewalk would be the better choice, but you would find your way blocked by shop displays, parked cars, sleeping animals and drunk men. If you choose the street, you must face blaring horns, while darting across and swivelling your head back and forth to avoid oncoming traffic who ignore the 3 second pedestrian crossing light. If you miss the light (which you will), you must choose the right emoji to gain the sympathy of passing vehicles long enough for them to slow down and let you pass. You must perform tricky manoeuvres (carefully-used umbrella, to avoid the puddles splashed by rude cars during the monsoons. You get bonus points for not using your Curse Button. If you make it to your destination without dying and with relatively clean clothing, you can pass on to the next level…

Level 2: The Cyclist 

The Cyclist has the advantage of speed (at least over the Pedestrian), but cannot control that speed as well. This can lead to an early demise while trying to cross roads. You as the Cyclist are equally prone to mud splashes, perhaps even more so as your cycle kicks up water. You may be excited by specially designated cycle tracks, but you still have to dodge motorcyclists who THINK it’s a MOTORcycle track, not to mention rickshaws with a slightly unrealistic perspective of their size. You also have to juggle a lunch bag on your handle bars, and occasionally a loved one on the back of your cycle. If you make it to the finish line, you move to…

Level 3: The Biker 

The bikers have the power to zoom, but fear not, it won’t be too boringly easy. Even though you CAN go up to 70 km per hour, you never have the opportunity to because of the crowded streets. Instead of speed, you get to use your dodging, overtaking and slipping through cracks skills. For fun, sweet little puppies will shoot out in the middle of the road, and you must swerve without hitting anyone OR killing the puppy.

Cows chilling out in the middle of the road occasionally transform into frisky running cows being chased by a dog. You must have the balance in case you get caught in the middle of uneven slabs of road concrete, and the good judgment to know where a puddle is not just a puddle but a pothole. Traffic lights must be obeyed, but very cautiously so as not to get rear-ended by a less rule-abiding bus. Bonus points for peer-pressuring other traffic into stopping at lights, slowing down so pedestrians can cross, and not getting splashed by cars. Points will be subtracted if you speed up to prevent Pedestrians from being able to cross the road. Your focus on reaching your destination may be taken away by a Road Accident - all bikers MUST pull over to view the accident, join in the argument or just stare. If you get through this, you will reach…

Level 4: Rickshaw Driver 

You have the super-skill of being able to rotate 180 degrees without needing to back up at all. However you may get delayed by irate passengers who flag you down and then refuse your services just because you ask for an extra fifty rupees for return fare. Also, if you catch sight of an Ola or Uber, all rickshaws MUST stop to get into an argument with their drivers. Even if you skip all these potential hazards, you must screech to a grinding halt if the Rickshaw Union calls a strike. Failure to comply can result in loss of life.

Level 5: Car 

Your aim is to not only make it safely to the destination but also avoid any scratches to your brand-new car named ‘Mother’s Blessing’. You get points subtracted for using your Curse Button on pedestrians or cyclists from the comfort of your air-conditioned bubble. You must try not to hit bikes who have sudden changes of mind about their preferred lanes, while also trying to overtake buses stuck on the wrong side of the road, without anyone else hitting you. You can lose your life by getting in an accident with a Sumo full of men in dark glasses, and foolishly getting out of your car to argue with them.

Level 6: Bus 

This is the highest level and takes the greatest amount of expertise. You will have the bulk but must have the corresponding agility of a very large man tiptoeing through the narrow aisles of an overstocked glassware shop (yes, my own take of a bull in a china store). You have the ability to kill, but not the license to do so. You are also on a tighter time schedule than all the other levels. Although you may think your large and threatening size prevents you from losing your life, this is in fact not true, as you will find when you hit a hapless pedestrian attempting to cross the road, and a violent mob materializes out of nowhere holding iron rods and hockey sticks. Your only option is to take to your heels and finish the rest of the race on foot.

Flash Monsoon Round for All Levels 

The skies open and the rains come down causing all traffic lights to go off, instant traffic jams, immediate increase in the volume and duration of blaring horns, and angry, wet and muddy people, vehicles and dogs to swarm the roads. Each level must improvise to survive. The Curse Button will be disabled for this round for fear of being over-used.

Cheat Code: Call on your guardian angel. Only one provided per player. Guardian angels give advice and can help in sticky situations. However if you ignore the advice of your guardian angel, there are no guarantees for whether or not he will show up again.

Okay, this game is just waiting to be created. While we wait, let’s go for a spin on the streets for a little practise. Hope to see you all again on this side of heaven.

P.S. If not a video game, this could also be offered in real life to tourists as a Death-Defying Adventure Sport on the same level as bungee- jumping and paragliding, but without the safety features and more local colour.

I’m a Catholic Feminist – What Does That Even Mean?

I used to be one of those kids who was very gleeful about entering the battle of the sexes. I once wrote on our neighbourhood blackboard this gem: “Girls have many faults, boys have only two: everything they say and everything they do.” I remember carrying a stack of chairs somewhere when I was a 16 year old in the church youth group, and practically yelling at a guy who tried to take them from me. “You think I can’t do this? Obviously I can!” I loved quotes like “Women need men like fish need bicycles.”

It seemed obvious that feminism was the Right Choice. It suited my activist personality. But as I grew older, I found that the online Catholic world wasn’t too fond of the word ‘feminist’. It seemed to evoke a vision of angry man-hating topless profanity-spewing women who hated all religion and viewed the Church in particular as a backward patriarchal woman-hating institution.

Today I still identify as a Catholic feminist, but I no longer assume that anyone understand what that means, or that other feminists would agree with me on every issue, or that there is only one accepted definition of feminism.

This is what Catholic feminism looks like:

Catholics believe that men and women are created equal - equal in value and dignity and worth. There are many inherent differences that do not diminish our worth in any way. Many men (not all) are physically bigger and stronger than many women. Many women (not all) have a knack for tenderness and nurturing that many men (not all) lack. I do not believe that being equal means being exactly the same, or needing to do exactly the same things. I don't, for example, feel discriminated against because I can't be a priest. I hope men feel the same way about being able to bear a child in their body.

Catholic feminism says that it is not just okay, but GOOD for men and women to use their innate gifts to serve each other. I may not need A man, but women need men AND men need women. Feminism does not mean the world would be a better place without men. I gradually learned to accept graciously the help that men offered especially when it involved physical strength and carrying heavy bags. I am capable of carrying my own bags most of the time, it is just a lot harder. I am very grateful for the men in my life (I remember that especially when I am alone dragging heavy bags up flights of stairs), and my feminism does not negate that. I have also learned to offer help in areas where men often struggle, instead of mocking them for their inadequacy.

But as a feminist, even though I agree that men and women are different in some ways, I think that many of the differences are not God-given, but social constructs, traditions of generations that may need to change. Why don’t we teach both men and women to cook, fix things, buy vegetables, clean, look after kids and be empathetic? Different people prefer different things, but they should all have a basic grounding in all life skills. By creating opportunities for boys and girls to learn different things, they may find their calling in a non-traditional field for their sex, but a field that exactly fits their strengths and interests. Maybe they will not feel like they are ‘tomboys’ or ‘effeminate’ just because they happen to be more active, logical, artistic, empathetic or gentle than most members of their sex. By teaching empathy and confidence to both, maybe we will also have fathers who are able to express affection and mothers who are able to not be afraid of the world outside the home. Win-win!

Being a Catholic feminist means getting rid of double standards. Why is it okay for guys to have sexual experience and girls not to? Boys will be boys? Psssht. But instead of lowering everyone’s standards so that we now ALL have permission to be sexually permissive and drunken revellers, how about we raise the standards, so that both men and women are encouraged to save sex for faithful committed relationships (aka marriage), and to be prudent and wise in their partying habits?

Being a Catholic feminist means acknowledging that although men and women HAVE been created equal, they have historically not been treated so. Even today in many parts of the world and society, women are not allowed a say in their own lives, in their families or their children. I was once teaching children from the slum something about economics and household finances. The textbook said something about the parents making decisions together, so I asked the children if that happened. It was clear that that was not how their family worked. In the village school I once taught, girls were usually taken out from school by the time they were in high school because their parents had decided that their only life option was to marry young and stay home looking after their families for the rest of their lives. If you follow Humans of Bombay, you can see just how often these young uneducated women in arranged marriages are taken advantage of by alcoholic, abusive husbands who abandoned them and their children.

Being a feminist means caring about social justice which is a very Catholic thing to do. It means fighting for girls to get an education, to have the ability to gain marketable skills, to develop their talents and interests, to have choices and not be dependent on the men in their life to be good and honourable (because men are not always good and honourable). It means helping women to see themselves as capable and strong and valuable.

But being a Catholic feminist also means valuing and supporting women in their calling as wives and mothers (if that is what they are called to). It means not belittling women who are home-makers, not glorifying careers, or expecting women to have to ‘do it all’. It is not mocking women who love cooking for their husbands, or women who long to have children. It means supporting women in their fertility (and not promoting harmful chemical contraceptives or treating their fertility like a disease) and educating them about their bodies and cycles.

Being a Catholic feminist means caring for women at every stage of their lives, right from conception when they are the most vulnerable. Though the right to abortion is seen a key aspect of modern feminism, Catholic feminists do not believe that abortion can ever bring true freedom. Like this New Wave Feminists’ sign: "When our liberation costs innocent lives, it is merely oppression redistributed." Most stories of women seeking abortion contain the words or the impression that women felt like they had NO choice. Being a pro-life feminist means not just opposing abortion, but offering women the support they need to bear a child and rebuild their lives. It means withholding judgment and offering support.

New Wave Feminists are the best. 

Being a Catholic feminist means allowing oneself to feel and express righteous anger, but not allowing that to make one bitter or resentful. Instead it is allowing pain at injustice to be transformed into a LOVE that changes things, because in the end only love can do that.

Being a Catholic feminist does not mean teaching women to see men as the enemy. They are not. They are also deserving of respect and kindness as are all human being created in the image and likeness of God. Feminism should not be a weapon for a woman to wield that destroys the unity of marriages. Instead true feminism is helping both husbands and wives (and men and women in general) accept each other, respect and listen to each other, work as partners for the good of each other and the family, and gently help each other get over prejudices and blind spots and gender stereotypes. It also means making adjustments for the good of the family, whether it means taking turns to be the stay-at-home parent, or to get the kids ready for school, or to clean the kitchen, or to give up a promotion.

Being a Catholic feminist doesn’t mean that a woman’s needs come ahead of everyone else’s. But it does need that a woman’s needs are important and that she needs to communicate them (something many women don’t do), and learn how to take care of herself, while also balancing the needs of those who are in her care. It also means building a marriage where both partners support each others’ dreams, and discern how God wants them to do that at different points of their marriage. 

You know, almost all of these points apply to men too. We want men to have all these things as well. The reason why we talk more about women than about men is because women have usually been the ones who have NOT received these things. This is not men versus women. This is about all men and women of good will fighting to right an injustice. Let’s do our part. Let’s not be afraid of feminism. But let’s not lose sight of the larger truth that we are known, loved and created uniquely by a God who made us, man and woman, in the beginning, and who has a beautiful plan for us to live and work together in this Garden of earth .

Related Reading: 
Pope John Paul II's Letter on the Dignity and Vocation of Women
Sex, Style and Substance: Ten Catholic Women Consider The Things That Really Matter
New Wave Feminists

Save Us from Social Embarrassment

I once heard a priest make an ad-lib prayer at the end of Mass, and I just remember the phrase, “Save your people from social embarrassment”. “What the heck is that supposed to mean?” was my immediate holy thought. (I also frequently have other holy and humble thoughts at Mass like ‘I could give a better homily than that’ and ‘Good grief! This is NOT a musical performance, people!’)

But of course I knew. In India, “What will people say?” seems to be the motivation behind every decision from what career our children should pursue, to how much money we spend on a wedding, to whether we decide to leave an abusive marriage.

“I’m so glad you set an example to us in not caring what people think,” I said to my mother one day. My parents had made many counter-cultural choices with their life from choosing to accept five children, to using the majority of their time, talent and skill in Kingdom-building activities instead of the more traditional type of careers.

But when I said those words to my mother, she gave me a funny look. “What makes you think I don’t care what people think?” And then I realized, none of us are immune from the desire to bask in social approval and acceptance. Maybe the people or society we seek it from varies, but there is usually a certain world from which we crave approval. Maybe it’s our family or our church, maybe our group of vegan environmentalist friends, maybe our agnostic humanist co-workers, maybe our rebellious teenage club-hopping friends. Each group has its own set of values, and things that are okay and not okay to do.

We don’t always realize when we care about people’s approval though. It may suddenly hit us. “Why do I care so much about this thing that someone said? Why am I so upset and stressed by that person’s opinion of me? Why am I still thinking about it days later?”

Or it comes up when we’re planning an event or a life decision. Very few people would consider the possibility of not serving a meal at a wedding for example. They’d rather go into crushing debt than risk people’s criticism. Actually most kind of wedding customs usually bring out our attachment to social approval. There must be a gold chain. There must be alcohol. The wedding dress must not be second-hand. There must be certain gifts given to the other family. Why MUST there be? Because…. what will people say?

As a result of this obsession with social approval, there is an unhealthy fear of social embarrassment. The worst thing that could happen to a family is for it to lose the approval and good opinion of its community. What is the practical result of that? Sexual abuse is covered up. Unhealthy practices are never addressed. Couples struggling in marriage won’t consider therapy. Abortion is chosen over the disgrace of unwed pregnancies. Matches are arranged based on external and often shallow qualifications. Intelligent kids are forced into engineering and medicine regardless of their preferences. Mistakes are covered up instead of faced and corrected.

On a less dramatic level, as long as we are afraid of social embarrassment, we are not free to make decisions for the right reasons. What is the right thing to do in this situation? What is the more financially prudent option? What is the choice that will remove someone from harm’s way? What is the more loving choice? What is God calling us to do in this situation? What is a responsibility and what is an unhealthy expectation from our family members?

Sometimes we do the right thing, but we carry around with us an unhealthy burden of anxiety and stress because of what people said. Everyone has an opinion about our lives. But their opinions don’t have to carry any weight unless we really respect their judgment.

We need to be free to examine and challenge the biases and prejudices and unhealthy customs of our own groups and communities. We need to be free to do what is right in our particular family’s situation. And we need to feel free to do it in peace and without guilt. But we can only do that if we reject the power social embarrassment has in our life.

Instead of praying for protection against social embarrassment, I wish that priest had prayed this: “Lord, give us all the courage to stand up for what is right regardless of what people say or think. Let us not be conformed to this world, but transformed by the renewal of our minds. Give us the strength to care ONLY for your opinion, and to always remember that we are only what we are in Your eyes. Amen.”

What Not To Look For in an Indian Spouse

I recently achieved the heights of my ambition a few months ago when someone texted me to ask if I could ‘look for someone for his brother’. I don’t know what I did to deserve this honour. I was under the impression that you had to be a middle-aged auntie with an opinion about everything to have that kind of know-how. Then again I’m practically 32 and I definitely have an opinion about everything, so I suppose it makes sense. Not to mention, I’m kind of a church lady.

I wasn’t sure exactly how to go about this, but it seemed like a good idea to ask for some kind of description of the guy I was supposed to be finding a match for. The answer came back shortly, and I shouldn’t have been surprised, but it included the typical list that a lot of Indians look for in spouses. I wasn’t sure how to react, but then I realized… OF COURSE. I’ll write a blog post. :-D (I did ask the guy who had contacted me why he included those requirements, and it turned out his dad had just made the list based on how he had seen lists like that made.)

So, if you’re the kind of person ‘looking out’ for a spouse in India via the traditional methods (including matrimonial ads), here are some ideas for what not to demand:

1. Fair: You knew I was going to lead with this, didn’t you? Why, oh why, are we still obsessed with fairness of skin? Isn’t it obvious how shallow such a desire is? It’s time to let it go, from our hearts, our thoughts, our conversations and definitely our requirements in our spouses. I know, you’ve been influenced by your culture, by Hollywood and Bollywood, by your mother who talks about that girl at church, “Very fair, so beautiful” as if those two things are interchangeable. But you can re-programme your mind. Look for the beauty in dark skin, in all skin tones, in all faces. You may be ignoring so many wonderful people because they are a darker shade than you. And I hate to break it to you, but if you’re looking for an Indian spouse, um, most of us are *whisper* brown. Which is not white.

2. Tall: Seriously, again, why? Did I miss some study that shows that taller people make better spouses? The average Indian man is 5’4” and the average Indian woman is 5’. Who says tall is better than short? I realize that most guys would like a girl shorter than themselves, and most women would like to be swept off their feet by a taller and I suppose stronger husband. But even that doesn’t matter when it comes down to real people who fall in love.

3. Possessing prestigious degrees: While I agree that it would be good to find a spouse who hasn’t been frittering away his or her life on partying or playing Dota, I don’t think educational qualifications necessarily show you the worth of a life, whether they are industrious, intelligent or motivated. And don’t even get me started on the strange custom of making wedding toasts that list off the educational qualifications of bride and groom.

4. Earning a certain amount of money per year: Again, being able to hold down a stable job and provide for or contribute to the family, that’s good to know. Needing a certain level of wealth in order to have a happy marriage, not so much.

5. Very strict age requirements: I was chatting with some friends recently, and the conversation turned to marriage (as it often does when I’m around). “How much older or how much younger are you open to?” was the question someone asked. To my surprise, both the guys I was talking to had VERY specific ages in mind. “Not more than two years older or three years younger.””Are you serious? So if you met the woman of your dreams and she turns out to be four years younger than you, you’ll say, ‘Sorry, lady, you were born the wrong year’?” I asked. Both these guys have a strong faith and want godly marriages. Why do we make more rules than God makes? I used to think older girls and younger guys was kind of odd (conditioned of course by the world I live in), until I met some friends in my organization with several of the women older than their husbands, some as much as 8 years, but evenly matched in maturity, intelligence and goals. So when did age define that?

6. From the same community/caste/state: Indians are obsessed with this. I understand it might be partly because our cultures are so different, and it might be harder to adjust to someone else’s culture. But how can it be a non-negotiable? There have been so many happy cross-cultural weddings. I do understand far more the desire to find a spouse who shares your faith. But that is because your faith shapes your goals and future, it is not (or should not be) merely a cultural identity.

So what SHOULD you look for, especially when you do need to write something down, or ask someone to ‘look out for someone’ for you?

Why not throw out physical descriptions, and talk more about beliefs, priorities, goals, desires and dreams? And then, here’s a novel idea, why not actually MEET people, get to know them, and then decide, rather than relying on someone else to pick out the right product based on a marketing list you have created? Don’t be in a hurry, don’t let anyone rush you, get to know the unique person that God has created, and discern together if you are called to marriage. Each person is so different, and can’t be reduced to a list of qualities, or descriptors.

When you DO meet someone, look for the things that can’t be figured out via matrimonial column. Are they consistently kind? How do they spend their free time? Are they merely ‘religious’, or are they lovers of God and lovers of people? What are their friends like? How do they deal with stress, or when they don’t get their way? Do they sulk, blame or yell? Are they honest when it causes them inconvenience? What motivates them?

Too many marriages are weak or shaky or crumbling because perhaps they were not built on very firm foundations. Choose wisely this day what you prioritize, because you will most likely reap what you sow.

P.S. Please don’t ask me to “find someone” for you. I apparently have not gotten the hang of it yet.

How Do You Feel When You Make a Mistake?

If your answer is, “Guilty, ashamed, furious with myself, embarrassed, like I want to sink into the ground,” you may be one of the many people trained into an unhealthy fear of mistakes by perfectionist parents and teachers from the time you were little.

I started teaching reading in a school last week. Kids who struggle with reading are sent to me and my team mate, and we work with some as a group and some one on one. One of the things I’ve noticed again and again is that students in the Indian system have been trained to fear failure and to mock those who fail. They’re not bad kids. But the instant someone mispronounces a word or makes a mistake, the whole group explodes into giggles. They’re not trying to be mean. It’s a habit that is hard to break, because they’ve seen it, heard it and done it since they were tiny.

When I was in school, every year there were a few students who were held back and made to repeat the year because they had failed their exams. You know what we called them? I cringe as I recall what seemed like a normal label then: ‘Failures.’ I don’t mean that the students made up that name. No, the teachers referred to them as ‘failures’. They were treated with contempt and disdain. It seemed like the most humiliating thing that could happen to one was to repeat the year. Those kids stuck to themselves, and accepted the treatment because we all thought that was normal.

When I was 23 I started teaching eight year olds in a village school (yes, third school story in a row). I thought I was a pretty good teacher. But to my shock, I found that I was doing the same thing- having unrealistically high expectations, and then getting annoyed with the kids when they couldn’t meet them. One day I decided to do some painting with them for the first time. I prepared well. But of course they were EIGHT YEAR OLDS PAINTING FOR THE FIRST TIME. Messes and imperfection was bound to happen. And yet I found myself annoyed! That was one of my wake-up calls.

The other was the surprise I felt when I saw parents of young children who had dropped or broken something. Not a word of rebuke did I hear. Instead they were reassuring and quickly said, “It’s okay. Let me get something to clean it up.” The fact is, I had rarely ever seen mistakes treated with such calmness and kindness.

How do we usually treat people when they make mistakes?

1. Blame them: The first response is that it is always someone’s fault. It is such an automatic response.

2. Rub it in: Point it out, remind people that they need to be more careful, and that they should have listened to us.

3. Dramatize it: Make it a bigger deal than it actually is, like it points to some character flaw or is a prophetic sign of the person’s future.

4. Bring up the past: Remind them of all the times they made mistakes in the past.

5. Wash our hands off them: They made their bed, now they must lie in it.

6. Judge them: Disapprovingly analyze the person and their actions, while smugly feeling like WE would never do such a thing.

Can we please stop? So what if that’s what your parents did to you? It is NOT helpful, holy or kind. Mistakes are NOT sins. Mistakes are not the end of the world. In fact, being willing to make mistakes and fail is a healthy and good thing. Accepting someone’s mistakes doesn’t mean giving them permission to be sloppy or careless or thoughtless. It’s just saying, “Okay, this happened. Now what?” You know what happens when we are afraid to make mistakes, or when we train the people around us to be afraid of mistakes?

You get people suffering from anxiety and depression as they hold themselves up to unrealistic expectation of themselves and constantly feel like they are never good enough. You get students committing suicide when they fail their exams. You get people who never try anything new because anything new requires a risk and a risk implies potential failure. You get people more focussed on not failing than on growing. Or you get people who just give up on trying and hoping. And you get harsh, judgmental and impatient people who impose the same standards on their children and spouses and coworkers.

If we want something different, we have to do something different. If we want to get over our unhealthy fear of mistakes, we need to train ourselves to respond differently.

1. Practise saying, “It’s okay to make mistakes.” Find that hard, don’t you? That’s exactly why you need to practise it.

2. The next time someone makes a mistake or fails, hold your tongue. Bite back the words of blame or correction or even advice. Most times when someone makes a mistake, they ALREADY KNOW. They’re already embarrassed and upset.

3. Instead ask “Are you okay? How can I help?” Whether it’s a broken cup or a broken heart, people need help picking up the pieces. They need to know there are people who are on their side as they try again.

4. Tell them “It’s not that bad.” No matter how bad a mistake is, there is always hope.

5. If you are in a position of authority over them, and you do need to correct them, do it gently and help them find a way to move forward. Show them you haven’t given up on them. Yup, that does need a great deal of patience. Anger almost never helps people change.

6. If you are the one who has made the mistake, follow all the steps above. Every time I make a mistake, I tell myself, “Well, at least I learned something.” If it involves money, I tell myself, "Well, I just paid for a lesson." :-)

How should you feel when you make a mistake? Hopefully, after the first moment of frustration, just acceptance, humility, and a desire and willingness to try again.