The Impossible Dreams I Dreamed

"I want to do something meaningful with my life, I want to get out of this selfish, self-centred rut, and live for others."
"Good luck with that. I used to think like that too. We all did. But once you start working, you forget about those dreams."

I was a naive 20 year old just out of my teacher's training, and instead doing a stint in the corporate world as an instructional designer in an e-learning company. Would I forget about those silly dreams with (what seemed to be to be) a fat pay cheque coming in every month, settling down into the real world?

*******

"Susanna is open to getting married, but she is waiting to find someone whose faith is strong and central to his life."
The Catholic auntie who was questioning my mum and me about my life choices made a skeptical face. "That's a little unrealistic these days, isn't it?"

Was it unrealistic, overly idealistic? Would I die waiting for someone who didn't exist, the laughing stock of onlookers, a good example of kooky Christians out of touch with the real world?

I had consistently desired and believed from the time I was young that I was called to family life, to be a mother and a wife. As I grew older, I sometimes wondered, why would God have put these strong desires in my heart (not everyone had them) if they were not meant to be fulfilled? I began to be embarrassed to share that dream with others as I crossed 30.

*******

On the Feast of the Epiphany yesterday, I suddenly thought about how ridiculous the three wise men must have seemed as they started their journey, following a... star??!! There must have been more socially acceptable ways to spend their time, or search for truth and meaning. Who gets on camels and follows a star? Maybe people didn't outwardly deride them, because they were obviously important, well-to-do men known for their wisdom. But in all times and places and cultures, there are social norms for what are and are not acceptable life goals.

It must have taken a very long time, probably years of preparation and study, and months of the actual journey. But, oh the joy, when they found the One they had been searching for!

And behold, the star that they had seen at its rising preceded them, 
until it came and stopped over the place where the child was. 
They were overjoyed at seeing the star, 
and on entering the house they saw the child with Mary his mother. 
They prostrated themselves and did him homage. (Matt 2: 9-11)

This is not a blog post about believing in yourself and following your dreams. Not all dreams are worth pursuing. (Unpopular opinion, I know.)

But when we quiet ourselves, and search within, we often find the God-given dreams and hopes, the purest desires of our hearts. Many have not yet been fulfilled.

Maybe it's a dream of a strong Christian community where your faith is nourished and strengthened.

Maybe it's a desire for a specific kind of mission - a community centre where all are welcomed and loved and offered Christ, an outreach to sex workers, a prolife ministry.

Maybe it's a dream for mental, emotional or physical healing, where you are not constantly struggling and overwhelmed and drowning.

Maybe it's a dream for reconciliation and healing in your family.

Maybe it's a dream for a solid Christian spouse and a family.

Maybe it's a simple dream to live a happy and holy life wherever you are.

Maybe it's a dream to be free of a certain sin that you struggle with - pornography, indiscipline, anger.

Maybe these dreams seem unrealistic and far away and unlikely to ever reach completion.

Do not stifle these dreams! Hold on to them! Pursue them! Wait for them! Pray for them! Write them down! Find people who will encourage you in your dreams. (No cynics or pessimists allowed.) Do not allow despair or frustration rob your heart of hope.

Pope John Paul II said, "“It is Jesus that you seek when you dream of happiness; He is waiting for you when nothing else you find satisfies you; He is the beauty to which you are so attracted; it is He who provoked you with that thirst for fullness that will not let you settle for compromise; it is He who urges you to shed the masks of a false life; it is He who reads in your heart your most genuine choices, the choices that others try to stifle. It is Jesus who stirs in you the desire to do something great with your lives, the will to follow an ideal, the refusal to allow yourselves to be ground down by mediocrity, the courage to commit yourselves humbly and patiently to improving yourselves and society, making the world more human and more fraternal.”

*********

You know my story. I left my job, worked for a happy year in a school in a village. I joined a Catholic mission organization, and learned to be holy and less selfish over the next nine years. A year ago, I met and was courted by a strong man of faith, and we are now married and have started our family life together. Some dreams take time, but they are worth waiting for.

I have more dreams. I am tempted to get impatient and doubtful when I don't see them immediately take form. But remembering the slow ways God led me forward in the past gives me hope.

I pray this post gives you hope too.

Related Resources

How To Begin Dreaming (Abiding Together podcast: 33 minutes audio)

Ask Sue: How Does One Decide When to Jump Into Online Comment Threads?

"man using laptop"by Lee chao 0608 is licensed under CC BY-ND 2.0

One of my patrons recently texted to ask this question:

How does one discern when to engage in online discourse? A friend saw an article posted on a neighbourhood page that seemed discriminatory to Muslims. She felt conflicted: posting a well-intentioned and informed contrary opinion would not change anything. But if she did say something, she would be defending her Muslim neighbours who would feel attacked by the article. She wanted to bring some objectivity to the discussion, but was worried about instigating even more inflammatory remarks making things worse for her neighbours. Any thoughts?

Ah, comment threads, how I love thee. Not. For someone like me who loves and values truth and accuracy, but also hates conflict, online discourse is a tricky place to be. I’ve only written about reading comment threads. What about participating in them? (This includes Facebook, Twitter, Whatsapp groups, etc.)

Full disclosure: I almost never comment on online threads. But I admire those who do so courteously.

Still, here are a few thoughts and suggestions in case you are ever wondering whether or not to jump in:

Check your motives: If you’re just being defensive, trying to prove you’re right and someone else is wrong, close that app and go read a book. Proving a point rarely seems to make a real difference. Win an argument, lose a soul. But if, like my patron’s friend, your motive is to speak up for those who are being attacked or misunderstood, or to help people to see and consider the truth, then proceed further.

Check your emotions: If you are burning with anger or resentment, furious at the stupidity and ignorance of the other commenters, take a break before chiming in. How we say something is as important as what we say. If you’re angry, you’re far less likely to be kind or charitable. Being passionate about truth doesn’t require you to be rude or snarky. Remember that no human being is the enemy, no matter how erroneous or harmful their beliefs are.

Pause and say a prayer: This is one of the typical situations that the Holy Spirit was given to us for. This is not always a clear black and white situation. In some cases, it is better to be quiet, while in others, a prophetic voice is needed. Sometimes it may be your voice, sometimes it may be someone else. Don’t be afraid to be a prophet: The world needs prophets, speaking inconvenient truths. It’s far easier to say the things everyone already agrees on, than to voice an unpopular opinion. Your voice may make all the difference. But how, you may ask. Sometimes it is pretty obvious that the other people on a thread have already made up their minds. What’s the point of saying anything?

You’ve forgotten about all the silent observers sitting on the fence, people who have not yet made up their mind, but are open to hearing from both sides. I can’t tell you how often my mind has been opened to a new perspective by a charitable voice continuing a discussion. How many others are also watching!

When a reasonable voice is heard, people of goodwill consider new perspectives. Never underestimate the power of planting a seed. Most of us are lifelong learners, but we learn based on what we hear, what we see, what people say, how they say it, and how convincing their words are. If no one is willing to speak up for the truth, how can we blame people for being brainwashed by a lost world?

Acknowledge common ground: Usually there is something that you can agree on, and it's helpful to listen for any elements of truth in the other person's words. Acknowledging those elements shows the other person that you are seeking truth, not vindication.

Count the cost: Be aware that some people might attack you for your beliefs, however charitably spoken. If you are still convicted that you need to speak, do so, but don’t remain in a toxic environment. Go play with a baby, cook some dinner, hang out with a friend, or go for a walk. Don't be afraid to bow out when you need to, especially if continuing the discussion is causing you anxiety or interfering with your ability to love and be present to the people around you.

Surrender the outcome to God: You may or may not see visible fruit online. But if you were obedient to the promptings of the Spirit, if you were charitable and kind in your words, and if you remembered to say a prayer for all those involved in the discussion, God is more than able to multiply your little offering. It’s not your job to convince people or save their souls, it is God’s. Remember that you’re not God, and let go of the need for visible success.

Have nothing to do with stupid and senseless controversies; you know that they breed quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kindly to everyone, an apt teacher, patient, correcting opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant that they will repent and come to know the truth. 2 Timothy 2: 23-25

How Not To Be an Emotional Wreck (All The Time)

Emotions. Can’t live with them, can’t live without them, amirite? I know INTJs have a reputation for being emotionless robots, but that’s far from the truth. And the more I talk to people, I realize everyone seems to be on some kind of emotional roller coaster or the other. I used to think I was a pretty emotionally balanced kind of person, but when I take a look at my prayer journal over the weeks and months, there seems to be an unhealthy proportion of disturbed, anxious, upset to calm, peaceful, balanced and hopeful. So of course I’m talking about negative emotions. I’ve rarely heard anyone complain that they have too many good emotions. “I’m just so joyful and excited all the time, I don’t know how to handle it!” So where do these floods of emotions come from? Why can’t we just all be calm and balanced about everything in our lives all the time?

1. Hormones, baby! Yes, those wonderful chemicals that flood our bodies, and often make some part of our month crazier than the rest (and with pregnancy and menopause it's MONTHS or even YEARS!) Somehow the circumstances may not have changed at all, but our hormones yell at our brain, “EVERYTHING IS SAD AND BAD AND OVERWHELMING! IT IS NOW THE RIGHT TIME TO EVALUATE ALL YOUR LIFE DECISIONS! ALSO PEOPLE ARE INSENSITIVE AND MEAN!”

How to deal with this: Keep track of your cycles, and make a firm commitment not to try to figure out your life during PMS. Also, let the people in your life know that they need to give you a break and cut you some slack for a few days (or months or years). And remind yourself, “This is not reality. This will pass. I just have to wait it out.” Also, chocolate and exercise.

2. Wounds and insecurities: Sometimes someone unknowingly presses a button, makes a passing comment, a mildly critical observation, and we are flooded with an overwhelming rush of anger or hurt or shame or anxiety. It feels HORRIBLE when it happens. It feels like something touching a raw, unhealed, open wound. It’s very often rejection issues, feeling unloved, unwanted and abandoned. It often connects with some childhood experience that has not yet been dealt with or even acknowledged.

How to deal with this: Make a choice not to react in the moment, no matter how tempted you are. Step back and take a little time to conduct a particular Examen. Start by thanking God for three specific ways you have experienced His love recently. Then ask the Holy Spirit to probe your inner self, and reveal your inner motives. “Why am I reacting like this? Is this based on truth? What lie am I believing that is causing me to react like this? Was there some time in my childhood I remember feeling like this? What happened? What is the truth that God speaks to me?” Then ask God for his healing. Be willing to share what God reveals to you to your spouse or a close friend so that they can speak that truth into your life especially when you are struggling to believe it. “God loves you and I love you too. You are NOT alone! You are so beautiful. You are important to ME! Your life IS making a difference. Everything is going to be okay. God’s got this!” Little by little, the truth starts seeping into the deepest parts of our heart, and healing begins. If you can, go for a healing retreat.

3. Tiredness: Somehow tiredness often puts us on edge, and everything gets a LOT more annoying and frustrating.

How to deal with this: Get some sleep! Okay, I know for you parents with young babies that’s easier said than done. But don’t be afraid to ask for help so you can catch up on sleep if that’s possible. And if it’s not babies, rearrange your life so that you get enough rest. It is not somehow holier and more hardworking and responsible to fill your life with so much activity that you are sleep-deprived and grumpy or irritable with all the people in your life. Sometimes the holiest thing to do is to take a nap.

4. Toxic relationships and people in your life: We all have people who can be difficult to live with. Maybe they are constantly criticizing you and your choices, or comparing you with others, or putting you down in subtle or not-so-subtle ways, or bullying you, or manipulating you, or taking advantage of you. Maybe they keep nagging you, or acting passive-aggressive or playing the blame game or using emotional blackmail to get you to do what they want. You land up feeling upset and resentful and bitter every time you have to deal with them.

How to deal with this: Set some boundaries. I have been reading and hearing a lot about a wonderful concept called boundaries. I haven’t read the original book yet, but plan to soon. The basic idea is that you need to clarify to yourself and sometimes to others what you are responsible for and what you are not responsible for, what you can handle and what you can’t handle, how you would like to be treated, and what you are not willing to put up with. In the non-confrontational land of India, this is huge. It means speaking up and kindly but clearly saying “Please don’t talk to me like that. I really don’t like it when you raise your voice. We can talk about it later when you’re calmer.” Or “Please don’t comment about my weight, you probably don’t mean to, but it hurts my feelings.” Or “I wish you wouldn’t compare me with others. I am not my brother/sister/cousin, I have my own set of weaknesses /struggles/desires/plans, and I have to make my own choices.” Or “I know you don’t agree with my decision, but it’s my decision to make.” It means letting yourself know that you are not responsible for everyone else’s emotions or reactions, but only for your own. If people refuse to respect your boundaries, maybe you need to find ways to spend less time with them.

5. Negative environment: Sometimes it isn’t specifically about you, but the people around you just love to keep complaining about how terrible everything is, how every silver lining has a cloud, how everything in your country is going to the dogs, and the world is spiralling to disaster and doom. Or you open your Facebook and that’s what every other post implies too, and everybody’s mad or outraged about something all the time. Emotions are contagious! Try spending a lot of time with an anxious person, and you’ll see. Then do the same with someone who is full of joy and light-hearted jokes and songs, and see what that does for you. I once lived with a bunch of Catholic volunteers and there was always some new ridiculous song that the two men were making up, and the rest of us were constantly in splits. It was a wonderful few months. But that is far from a common experience. Usually it is quite the opposite.

How to deal with this: Change your environment! Try to spend more time with people who are choosing joy, who are peaceful and hopeful. Cut down on that social media time. Seriously, it makes a huge difference! Or replace it with truth-filled media like the Abiding Together podcast. Consciously choose to be the voice of hope and joy whenever you can. Sing a song! Make a joke! Play some music. Create the environment you want to live in! Ask people to share what went well in their day if they are just complaining around the dinner table. Change the topic if it’s going on and on in the same negative circles. Celebrate small victories!

Okay guys, these are obviously foolproof methods to be happy all the time. Not really. Sometimes you just have to accept that negative emotions are a part of your life, a cross you have to carry, and something you can even choose to offer up. That actually makes it a little easier to bear, when you know it’s not your fault, or something that you alone suffer with. We’re all on the same roller coaster, fighting our battles, and apparently mixing our metaphors. What I’m saying is, you can do this! You can survive this minefield of emotions, and even possibly feel joy and peace and hope and excitement more often.

Anything that helps when you're struggling with crazy emotions?

P.S. Please feel free to share this with all the other emotional wrecks in your life!

Related Posts


When You Are in a Dark Place and Can’t Get Out

The Antidotes to Anxiety

What PMS is Really Like

A Melancholic Searches for Joy

How To Love Well - Some Practical Tips

One thing that the world in general seems to agree about is that love is important. Love your kids, love your family, love your spouse, love your neighbour, love the poor, love your enemies, (okay, perhaps that one isn’t as popular). But what we often don’t seem to know is HOW to love, and how to help someone FEEL loved.

Christians have some wonderful words about love – ‘Love is willing the good of the other’. ‘Love is patient, love is kind…’ Good stuff.

But often people say they love others, but their love takes the form of protection, coddling, correction, advice, service, provision, etc. Most Indian parents may not say the words ‘I love you’ to their kids, but we can see through their sacrifice and acts of service that they do indeed love us. Our siblings tease us, and we know they love us. Teachers can be considered very strict and demanding and still their students know that they loved them because they pushed them to be better.

Yet there is something missing in many of these expressions of love. There is a higher way, a way even more needed, and far more revealing of the love of God. It is this - ‘To love someone is to show them their beauty, their worth and their importance.’ Jean Vanier*

Let me share with you about my friend’s mom, M. I met her a few years after being friends with her daughter. She’s American and came down to India for her daughter’s wedding. She and her family stayed with us. From the first moment she met me, she looked at me with approval and delight. She always had something kind to say to me and about me. Did she know that I was very far from perfect, that I had hurt her daughter with some of my weaknesses and sins? Probably. That didn’t stop her from choosing to see the goodness within me. And through her words, I felt myself becoming more of the woman that she saw.

I began to notice that she did it for everyone (apparently I wasn’t the only most awesome person she knew!) And everyone I knew blossomed under her loving, affirming gaze. She was very intentional about speaking those words of affirmation at every opportunity, saying them with sincerity and often writing little notes to people. I’ve met a few other people like that. They just look at me with love, acceptance and delight every time we meet.

Everyone needs someone like that in their lives. Maybe it’s too much to expect that everyone can be like that, but if we have a few people who believe in us, see the good and encourage us to be that person, we are richly blessed. I know I have several - my friends R and T in particular who I've lived and served with, and I know believe in me and see me as more than my weaknesses. But it’s easier to see when others (especially family) are NOT doing it for us.

To turn it around - What about me? Do I love like that? I thought about it – how often did I love unconditionally and help people feel important and loved? I feel like I and most people do the opposite. We meet new people, and then we wait and watch for them to prove to us whether they are worthy of being accepted and loved. Occasionally the other person says or does something we approve, and then we choose to let them bask in the sunshine of our approval. But often both new people look at each other with wariness, and no one makes that move of love, and the opportunity may pass, or suspicion may grow.

What about in our families? Too often we cannot stop looking at each other as projects, people we need to fix, or critique, or evaluate. And what we evaluate is whether this family member is making good decisions, reacting the right way, living up to our expectations, or relating to US in the way we want them to. If they mess up, we withdraw our love or affection.

But here’s how Christ loves- We love because HE loved us FIRST. 

And we are called to the same. Our love should not be dependent on others’ behaviour. Our love shouldn’t wait, or be rationed out in small doses. There is something good in the worst of us. Love draws forth that goodness. We are set free to become the men and women we were called to be when SOMEONE sees that man or woman within us.

The reverse is true too. When we label, criticize, or negatively evaluate people, we are often trapping them in that place because we are telling them that is all that they are. We say we’re being honest or blunt or real, but we are saying that from an incomplete perspective – because they are more than their negative behaviour or habits or quirks.

We are not the sum of our weaknesses and failures; we are the sum of the Father's love for us and our real capacity to become the image of his Son. Pope John Paul II

So how can we do this? How can we change the habits of years, the negative, critical gaze into one of delight? How can we show our children, spouses, friends, students, siblings and parents their beauty, their worth and their importance? 

1. Words of affirmation: Look for opportunities each day to say something completely unnecessary but very affirming (and sincere) to those who you live with and work with – It could be about their physical appearance, their efforts, their good qualities, or their normal duties. 'You look radiant today!' 'I love the new haircut!' 'That’s a very stylish combination!' 'You did such a great job with the cleaning – very thorough!'  'You always take such good care of the kids!' 'I notice you woke up early today – good job!' 'You are just so beautiful/handsome – I love to look at you!' Look for something!

2. Physical touch: Go give them an unexpected hug, a ruffle of the hair, a rub on the back.

3. Waste time with them: Listen well when they talk about something you may not find that fascinating. (It may mean putting down your book or phone for a few minutes.) Tickle them and rough house with them, or have an impromptu dance party. My mum would take an interest in football just because my brothers were watching, and it showed her interest in THEM.

4. Listen to and affirm their ideas and thoughts: 'That’s a very unique perspective – I love it!' 'That’s a wonderful plan, let me know if I can help. I’ll be praying for that.'

5. Affirm quirks: Quirks are not sins, but too often we make it a reason to mock people. Or we allow them to see we find their quirks annoying. Through the eyes of love, quirks are endearing signs of the uniqueness of each person. ‘It’s so cute how you always tap your leg before you start a prayer.’ ‘I love how you laugh, it’s so crazy and fun!’

Do NOT 

1. Use negative labels, even in your mind: We’re so used to slapping an adjective on people and then seeing them as nothing but that adjective. You’re careless, lazy, uptight, inconsiderate, indisciplined, greedy, rude, a chatterbox, awkward, annoying, reckless, selfish. (ESPECIALLY family members) Ask God for the grace to see them as more than that, to see them the way He sees them. If we see them differently, we will treat them differently… and that’s the key to helping them feel loved.

2. Constantly instruct, improve or criticize: That just reeks of ‘you are a project and I will fix you!’ Especially avoid negative comments about their body, abilities or state in life. Don't take every comment as an opportunity to give a lecture or advice, or air your grievances or complaints.

3. Only talk to them when you need something from them: When people feel like they are a means to an end, they cannot feel like an object of delight.

4. Compare them with anyone else: They are unique, and they don’t need to be you, or anyone else.

5. See them through the lens of the past: People change, allow them to do so!

When the people in our life feel that we are on their side, that we approve of them, that we think they are pretty darn awesome (even though we are aware of their weaknesses), then they are free to be who they are and become who they are called to be. They are free to KNOW the love of God and BELIEVE in the love that He has for them. They are set free from the lie that we have to do something to win God’s love or that He’s constantly disappointed in us. They are free to believe that His call to repentance is BECAUSE He loves them, and that He is with them against their sin. It is in the context of unconditional and accepting love that they are able to admit and work on their own weaknesses and sins.**

To paraphrase Jennifer Fulwiler in a recent post, they will be free to “go dream big dreams and do great things...but… with the confident, unwavering knowledge that (they) are loved and valued and cherished no matter how much (they) succeed or fail.”

 *This quote and graphic are from the Abiding Together podcast- give it a listen. 

**None of this means that we should not do loving confrontations and corrections when necessary. But even those will go very differently if they are done in the context of this kind of relationship.

Related Reading 

A Ten-Year-Old Teaches Her Auntie To Pray 

To Be Someone's Darling

When You Are in a Dark Place and Can’t Get Out

I’ve written a lot about negativity, anxiety and hopelessness. But I feel like it’s time to talk about it some more because I keep meeting or hearing from people who are struggling with this. Naturally upbeat and positive people don’t get it. “Just focus on the positive! If you just try hard enough, you won’t feel this way!” But if you’ve been there you know it’s easier said than done.

I found this entry in my journal from many years ago when I was living in the Philippines-

I’m so confused. I’m so annoyed with myself. Everything seems hazy. I feel like there’s something wrong with me, and I don’t know what it is. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing. I feel like I wasted the whole day, and yet I don’t know what I should have been doing… 

...I feel lost and empty. I’ve been trying to fill myself with food... I feel so unhappy. And I don’t know what to do with this feeling. I feel like there’s nothing I can do to change this feeling. Maybe I need to focus on something other than my own feelings… I feel useless, and incapable of being useful. I want to go home, and yet I know that’s not a solution. I’ve been spending too much money in the past week, so buying something will not help. I slept well last night, and napped in the morning, so sleep won’t help. I used the Internet, and I’m still sad. I spent so much time talking to T, so company isn’t the answer. I don’t have an answer. I even prayed, Lord. 

I’m tired of the Philippines. I’m tired of this life. I want to achieve something, do something purposeful. I’m in a blue funk. That’s it. I even wish I could ignore this feeling by watching a movie and getting involved in some fictional character’s lives… 

…I thought I could make a difference. And yet I know it’s very difficult to make a difference out of the context of relationships… I feel like a failure at relationships, and hence a failure at being a full-timer. Sure, I teach well. But what percentage of my life is spent teaching anyway? What’s the use of having gifts if I don’t use them? I just feel like a failure at life. 

Plus, I have a horrible haircut.

I feel like I’m living in my own dream, and it’s just a dream. I wanted to be a full-timer, I wanted to bring Jesus to people, I wanted to make a difference. And most of the time, I feel like I just don’t have what it takes...

Can I watch a movie so I don’t have to think of this anymore? 

…I need to clean my room. A cluttered room is a sign of a cluttered mind. The thing is, I know my mind is cluttered. My room doesn’t have to tell me that. But maybe one affects the other. 

You know what, Sue? This is just a mood. Moods come and go. This too shall pass. 

Oh my gosh, just re-reading that takes me back to the blackness of despair. It’s happened at other times too, but not usually for extended periods of time. But many of us have been there - just lost, disoriented, hopeless. Everything seems meaningless, our own lives feel empty, and nothing seems to work or make sense. No amount of positive thinking seems to help, and people’s breezy suggestions just seem to rub salt in the wound. It’s like being stuck in a dark miry bog that you just can’t pull yourself out of. It’s easy at those moments to give up hope, to have self-harm or suicidal thoughts. 

Where is this coming from? Well, I’m no psychologist, but I've noticed that for many people, it seems to be the effect of wounds or trauma from the past, things that have not been their fault, but have happened to them.

But it’s more than that. It’s a spiritual darkness too. It is the stark feeling of being cut off from God, cut off from love. It is a lie that has become our reality – that we are alone, forgotten, abandoned. I’ve had nightmares like that. It is the best lie the Enemy can come up with because it is the exact opposite of the Truth - that we are known, loved, seen, cared for, surrounded. ‘O Lord, you have searched me and known me... You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me.’

So what do we do in the midst of this despair?

1. Cry out to the God you cannot feel. The Psalms are full of similar cries – honest and pain-filled cries to heaven. Just voicing your pain is an act of faith. 'Save me, O God, for the waters have come up to my neck. I sink in the miry depths, where there is no foothold. I have come into the deep waters; the floods engulf me. I am worn out calling for help; my throat is parched. My eyes fail, looking for my God.' Psalm 69:1-3 Take time to pray even if all you're doing is crying at the Lord. Journal. If possible, seek out an Adoration chapel where you can do it. Take tissues. It's okay to cry.

2. Go to Confession. Many times the big immovable obstacle blocking us from knowing God is our own sin. It piles up, day by day, and makes us more and more vulnerable to the lies of Satan. The worst depths of darkness I have felt were when I was caught in habitual and serious sin. It sucks the life out of you. So go! Run to Confession. Prioritize as you would emergency surgery. If you need help, ask someone to help you make it happen. Even if you’re in a habitual sin that you are not sure you have the strength to stop, still go! God just asks us for sorrow and repentance, and a willingness to try to get it out of your life. Frequent Confession can HELP you stop sinning. You don’t have to have your act perfectly together before going to Confession. Every time I have gone it has been a dark cloud that lifts, a clarity and peace that returns.

3. Forgive or confront the people involved: Sometimes our darkness comes from unresolved conflicts, or bitterness from the wounds inflicted by others. It may also be because of ongoing toxic relationships. Pray about it, and ask God for the grace to forgive them from the heart. But also go and talk to them. If you try and the relationship is not salvageable, maybe you need to remove yourself from a place of continued wounds.

4. Give yourself a break: Sometimes our most painful wounds are self-inflicted – “Why am I this way? Maybe if I was different I wouldn’t be going through this. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just be happy like everyone else? Maybe if I just worked harder or tried harder. Maybe I made a mistake that brought me to this place.” GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK! You are allowed to be imperfect. You don’t have to have it all together. Very few people do. It’s okay to be struggling. It’s okay to have weaknesses. Be at peace with the struggle. If God can be patient with you, you can be patient with yourself.

5. Speak aloud your foundational truth: Ask God to show you the lie you are most prone to believe – I am no good, the world is all hopeless, God doesn’t really love me, I am alone. And then ask Him to show you the Truth that combats the lie. Pick just one bible verse, and every day say it aloud for 15 minutes. Don’t just think it, or remember it. ACTUALLY SAY IT ALOUD. Yes it sounds crazy, and maybe if anyone overhears they’ll think you’re crazy, but do you want something new or not? You can’t always control your thoughts and feelings, but you have control over your speech. So use the parts of you that you can control. The Word of God has power and can bring real healing. Also, choose to stop talking about why everything is hopeless and horrible.

6. Go outdoors: And leave your devices behind. Go for a walk or a run. Sit on a park bench and look at the trees. Sometimes that’s what you need to get out of your head.

7. Notice your triggers: Write down when you are feeling this darkness- what preceded it? What factors contributed? For me, spending too much time on social media or watching movies, or staying up late plus tiredness always made it much worse. But when I’m in the middle of it, it’s hard to remember that it’s not random, but there are common factors.

8. Notice the things that spark joy: Every time you feel a flash of joy or a time of peace, write down what helped. Ask yourself at the end of the day- Where did I experience God? For me at the moment, it is listening to Bethel, playing with babies, feeling rested, and praise and worship. Prioritize those things! Do something that gives you joy each day even if it’s just for a little while. They are not unimportant because your heart is not unimportant. Also, look for ways to reach out to others - surprisingly that often helps!

9. Get negative music and media out of your life: We become what we consume. Switch it with music that lifts you up and helps you connect with God.

10. Talk to someone: The more we wallow in the darkness of our own thoughts, the easier it is to start believing they are true. Reach out for help! Ask a Christian if you can come talk to them, if you can regularly meet with them. If you have no people around, plan regular (even daily if necessary) video chats with people who will listen to you, but are unafraid to speak the truth joyfully and clearly and again and again. (Don’t talk to people who drag you further down.)

11. Seek professional help: If you’ve tried it all and this darkness and despair is unchanging and unshakeable, it may be time to seek out counselling or therapy. There are helplines available, you can look online for something accessible. Don’t be embarrassed. I know many people who have struggled with depression at certain times of their life, and sometimes have needed medication to help them for a time. It doesn’t make you a failure to seek help when you need it.

12. Remind yourself that this is not forever: I know it FEELS like it is forever when you’re in the middle of it, but I promise it isn’t! You will feel happy again! You will be at peace one day! This too shall pass. It’s going to get better! There is HOPE!

Where can I go from your spirit? Or where can I flee from your presence? If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light around me become night,” even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is as bright as the day, for darkness is as light to you.

Psalm 139: 7, 11-12

I am praying for you all. Feel free to reach out if you need prayers for a specific situation.

Related Reading 

A Melancholic Searches for Joy 

The Antidotes to Anxiety 

The Poison We All Breathe 

My Experiences With Anxiety and Peace

New Year's Resolutions for the Motivationally Challenged

The INTJ’s Guide to Not Being a Party Pooper

1. When people get really excited about completely impractical and unrealistic ideas 

a. Do NOT say, “That is a completely impractical and unrealistic idea.”
b. DO summon up a little excitement and interest and find something at least not negative to say.
c. Although it may be too much to expect you to say, “What a great idea!” sincerely, at least do NOT say “What a great idea!” in a sarcastic tone.
d. Instead try, “That’s very interesting! What made you think of it?”
e. Or “Yeah, that could work! Maybe if you just (add something to make it slightly more practical).” f. At worst, just think of follow-up questions so you don’t have to provide an actual opinion.

2. When people throw you a surprise party 
a. Rearrange your facial expression from horrified to mildly excited.
b. Do NOT say “I totally knew about it. There were clues EVERYWHERE! I’m too smart to be lied to.”
c. Instead say, “Wow! You guys!”and imply the line “I had NO idea!” without actually saying it, to save your integrity.
d. Don’t hide in the bathroom for more than ten minutes.

3. When people stay too late at a party you are hosting 

a. Do not disappear and hope everyone will just leave.
b. Do not get grumpier and grumpier and quieter and quieter.
c. Instead, at 9 pm, stand at the door and cheerfully say, “Well, THANK YOU guys for coming!” (It'll take them a few years to catch on to this trick.)
d. If they don’t get the hint, ask people how they’re planning on getting home, and arrange rides for them. e. If they absolutely refuse to leave, you have permission to disappear until they do.

4. When someone comes up with a spontaneous plan 

a. Do not list all obvious flaws in the plan (it’s too hot, there’s no way you’ll get back in time, you haven't factored in naps, etc)
b. Do not convince everyone else they shouldn’t go.
c. Instead smile and say, “You guys have fun! Thanks for inviting me though!”
d. If they get annoyed, just be self-deprecating- “Aw, you know me – boring and old!”
e. Do NOT be annoyed with them when they actually go and all the predicted problems occur. Swallow that 'I told you so.'
f. Remind them to invite you four days in advance next time they have a ‘spontaneous’plan, and allow you to help with the planning.

5. When at a party 

a. Do NOT verbally critique the social dynamics, the lighting, the food, the music and the clothes to your neighbors.
b. Instead use your mastermind powers for good – organize games, initiate conversations or introduce people to defuse awkward social situations.
c. Once everyone is having fun, go hide somewhere and check Facebook or take a nap without guilt. 

6. When in a conversation 

a. Do NOT use your phone to fact-check more than once.
b. Practise saying, “I guess there’s more than one way to look at it.”
c. Remind yourself that conversation is for getting to know people, not making a point.
d. Remember the last time you had a conversation with another INTJ – how annoying it can be to be with someone who HAS to be right all the time.
e. Listen to understand, not to reply. Do NOT dominate the conversation. Even if you have the perfect factoid, perspective or anecdote, hold it in. (Blog about it later.)

7. When someone comes in for a hug 

a. Do NOT run in the opposite direction.
b. Do NOT awkwardly high five instead.
c. DO allow yourself to be hugged.
d. Soak in the human connection for a few seconds, then smoothly disengage.
e. Pretend it was not awkward that you didn't hug back.

8. To prepare for the day 

a. Go to bed on time the night before. Stop reading comment sections, articles and blogs. Stop feeding your brain and get some sleep.
b. In the morning, repeat the INTJ bible verse: And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge... but do not have love, I am nothing.1 Corinthians 13: 2
c. Repeat “I do NOT have to be God today. God is God, and I am not. I do NOT have to save the world all by myself.”
d. Repeat “There is a fine line between confidence and arrogance, and I know I sometimes cross it. Keep me humble today, God.”
e. Practise getting rid of your generic resting face 'How could anyone be that stupid?' facial expression. Lift those lips, unroll those eyes, and un-scrunch those eyebrows.

9. During the day 

a. Sing at least one song aloud. Bonus points if you join somebody else who is singing aloud.
b. Stop and smell the roses. Or look at the sky. Or go for a walk. Just stop staring at that screen!
c. Every time one critical comment escapes your lips, add two affirming or positive comments about the same person/incident/topic.
d. Walk into a room and say something fun and positive – “What a gorgeous day! How’s everyone doing?” People may be a little shocked at the beginning, but they’ll get used to it.
e. When people ask you how things are going, discard all low-key complaints or hopeless analyses, and think of one exciting or good thing that is happening in your life or the world.

You can do this, INTJs! Go be awesome! And kind! And joyful!

How Do You Feel When You Make a Mistake?

If your answer is, “Guilty, ashamed, furious with myself, embarrassed, like I want to sink into the ground,” you may be one of the many people trained into an unhealthy fear of mistakes by perfectionist parents and teachers from the time you were little.

I started teaching reading in a school last week. Kids who struggle with reading are sent to me and my team mate, and we work with some as a group and some one on one. One of the things I’ve noticed again and again is that students in the Indian system have been trained to fear failure and to mock those who fail. They’re not bad kids. But the instant someone mispronounces a word or makes a mistake, the whole group explodes into giggles. They’re not trying to be mean. It’s a habit that is hard to break, because they’ve seen it, heard it and done it since they were tiny.

When I was in school, every year there were a few students who were held back and made to repeat the year because they had failed their exams. You know what we called them? I cringe as I recall what seemed like a normal label then: ‘Failures.’ I don’t mean that the students made up that name. No, the teachers referred to them as ‘failures’. They were treated with contempt and disdain. It seemed like the most humiliating thing that could happen to one was to repeat the year. Those kids stuck to themselves, and accepted the treatment because we all thought that was normal.

When I was 23 I started teaching eight year olds in a village school (yes, third school story in a row). I thought I was a pretty good teacher. But to my shock, I found that I was doing the same thing- having unrealistically high expectations, and then getting annoyed with the kids when they couldn’t meet them. One day I decided to do some painting with them for the first time. I prepared well. But of course they were EIGHT YEAR OLDS PAINTING FOR THE FIRST TIME. Messes and imperfection was bound to happen. And yet I found myself annoyed! That was one of my wake-up calls.

The other was the surprise I felt when I saw parents of young children who had dropped or broken something. Not a word of rebuke did I hear. Instead they were reassuring and quickly said, “It’s okay. Let me get something to clean it up.” The fact is, I had rarely ever seen mistakes treated with such calmness and kindness.

How do we usually treat people when they make mistakes?

1. Blame them: The first response is that it is always someone’s fault. It is such an automatic response.

2. Rub it in: Point it out, remind people that they need to be more careful, and that they should have listened to us.

3. Dramatize it: Make it a bigger deal than it actually is, like it points to some character flaw or is a prophetic sign of the person’s future.

4. Bring up the past: Remind them of all the times they made mistakes in the past.

5. Wash our hands off them: They made their bed, now they must lie in it.

6. Judge them: Disapprovingly analyze the person and their actions, while smugly feeling like WE would never do such a thing.

Can we please stop? So what if that’s what your parents did to you? It is NOT helpful, holy or kind. Mistakes are NOT sins. Mistakes are not the end of the world. In fact, being willing to make mistakes and fail is a healthy and good thing. Accepting someone’s mistakes doesn’t mean giving them permission to be sloppy or careless or thoughtless. It’s just saying, “Okay, this happened. Now what?” You know what happens when we are afraid to make mistakes, or when we train the people around us to be afraid of mistakes?

You get people suffering from anxiety and depression as they hold themselves up to unrealistic expectation of themselves and constantly feel like they are never good enough. You get students committing suicide when they fail their exams. You get people who never try anything new because anything new requires a risk and a risk implies potential failure. You get people more focussed on not failing than on growing. Or you get people who just give up on trying and hoping. And you get harsh, judgmental and impatient people who impose the same standards on their children and spouses and coworkers.

If we want something different, we have to do something different. If we want to get over our unhealthy fear of mistakes, we need to train ourselves to respond differently.

1. Practise saying, “It’s okay to make mistakes.” Find that hard, don’t you? That’s exactly why you need to practise it.

2. The next time someone makes a mistake or fails, hold your tongue. Bite back the words of blame or correction or even advice. Most times when someone makes a mistake, they ALREADY KNOW. They’re already embarrassed and upset.

3. Instead ask “Are you okay? How can I help?” Whether it’s a broken cup or a broken heart, people need help picking up the pieces. They need to know there are people who are on their side as they try again.

4. Tell them “It’s not that bad.” No matter how bad a mistake is, there is always hope.

5. If you are in a position of authority over them, and you do need to correct them, do it gently and help them find a way to move forward. Show them you haven’t given up on them. Yup, that does need a great deal of patience. Anger almost never helps people change.

6. If you are the one who has made the mistake, follow all the steps above. Every time I make a mistake, I tell myself, “Well, at least I learned something.” If it involves money, I tell myself, "Well, I just paid for a lesson." :-)

How should you feel when you make a mistake? Hopefully, after the first moment of frustration, just acceptance, humility, and a desire and willingness to try again.

The Antidotes to Anxiety

So you know how I've talked about my struggles with anxiety in the past? Apparently, they don’t totally go away, much as I wish they would. Everything seems peaceful and happy and normal (ish), and then suddenly the monster rears its ugly head again.

A small problem – someone mad at me about something, a plan that goes awry, an unpleasant task that I’m avoiding, news about Trump, or hearing about reasonable people who are suspicious of Pope Francis – suddenly begins to feel like a huge problem, a symptom of a larger disease, a doomsday scenario, with everything crashing and burning and pointing to the truth that there is no hope and things are never going to change.

But yesterday at Mass as I struggled with a racing heart and a sense of impending doom, I realized something. This battle, this drama that I am aware of, and is freaking me out, is not happening ‘out there’. It’s happening right here, in my heart and in my mind. It is a battle for my peace.

I am being lied to.

I have been reading an excellent book called ‘Divine Renovation: Bringing your parish from maintenance to mission’ by Fr. James Mallon, and he draws an insightful analogy from The Lord of the Rings trilogy.

‘In J. R. R. Tolkein’s great work, The Lord of the Rings trilogy, we see... Denethor, the high Steward of the ancient Kingdom of Gondor. He is a steward, not the King. The line of kings had ended centuries before to leave the Kingdom under the management of a steward, but Gondor was maintained by an almost supernatural hope that the King would return to reclaim his throne once again, a hope that Denethor has lost… 

Denethor made mistakes that led to his utter loss of hope. First of all, he had forgotten that he was but a steward, not a king, and not the King. In truth, he had forgotten about the King who was promised to return. We in the Church are also but stewards awaiting the return of the King. We are managers whose very role is defined by the fact that the King is coming back to claim what is his own… 

The second mistake is that Denethor has a distorted and edited view of reality… he had been using one of the lost Palantir stones… that let him see what was happening all over Middle Earth. The problem was that the evil Lord Sauron controlled what he saw… Through his edited version of reality, Denethor was manipulated into his loss of hope. We, too, can easily fall prey to viewing what is always an edited reality as being the whole story.’ 

When I hear a voice that says, “This is all hopeless. These people are never going to change. The Church, your country, the world, those people… they are all doomed. They are sinful, angry, closed and wilfully blind. And it’s your fault. There must have been something you could have done. Or something you should have done differently. But it’s too late now. Everything is sad and bad and scary and you have to deal with this scary world alone,” I can be very sure whose voice that is.

The voice of God is never accusing, never despairing, never angry. The voice of God is filled with hope. There will be a challenge, but never condemnation in His words. Those who speak words of cold accusation and condemnation do not speak for Him, but for His Enemy.

Anxiety, negativity and hopelessness spring from believing the lying, insidious voice of Satan. So what’s the solution?

1. Acknowledge the lie: It was such a sense of relief when I held up what I was feeling to the light, and found that it was NOT true. It was all in my head- the magnitude of the problem, the dark despair of the problem. But as long as I clung to the lie, it had power over me.

2. Speak the truth aloud: Say it- “Everything is going to be okay.” “I am loved.” “I am not alone.” It’s not just a platitude. Everything really IS going to be okay. All suffering on this earth is temporary. Social stigma, the failure of our life's work, loss, betrayal, disappointment, persecution, loneliness seem like the worst things in the world, but they're not. They eventually end. Death will come to us all, but suffering and death do not have the final word. The King will return. God is till God. One day He WILL judge the living and the dead, and only what was done in love and for love will remain. No scary outcome can take away that truth.

3. Live a surrendered life: If it is true that I am a steward, NOT the king, or the saviour of this world which for some reason I sometimes think I have to be, and that there IS a true King and Saviour, then I need to let go of that control I cling to so tightly. I don’t need to wait for a big crisis to surrender, but to give to him the little obstacles, problems and fears as they come. Someone has a problem I can’t solve? Instead of letting it escalate in my mind, I need to bring it to Him, ask Him if there is anything I need to do. If there is, I need to do it, and then let it go. If there isn’t, I need to let it go, and trust that He can save the world, and that particular person and their situation. I've seen Him work miracles when I give it to Him, working things out in ways I could never have done myself.

Living anxiously is not a normal or healthy way to live. Fighting for peace is one of the most important battles I will ever fight. It’s a battle for truth, for freedom to see the world and its people the way they are- broken, but not irredeemable. I have to choose to keep fighting. But I trust that it’s a battle that can be won, because I have the Prince of peace who is fighting with me and for me. ‘The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear?’

New Year’s Resolutions for the Motivationally Challenged

You’re trying to avoid it, but you just can’t. Why yes, it is indeed that ‘New year, new me’ time when everyone starts posting inspirational messages about the new year, making resolutions, and setting goals. But not you. You know it’s all a gimmick, just another way to set yourself up for failure. Whose new year’s resolutions last past the first week of the brand new shiny year? Not yours, by George. So why bother? Let’s just post a couple of witty but cynical New Year’s memes and move on. Realistic is your middle name. Any of that sound familiar?

Well I’m here to tell you that’s a load of baloney. Cynicism and negativity don’t look good on Christians. The very concept of new beginnings and second chances is at its heart Christian, the reason Jesus came at all. If we scoff at new beginnings, there is no place in our hearts for salvation. 

Here’s the truth. People CAN change. You can change. I am one of the laziest, least motivated people I know. I could lie on a couch all day every day and do nothing. I am full of faults and weaknesses. (I won’t list them all here, that’s what Confession is for.) I still struggle with many of them. And yet, I too have grown and changed. Change is possible! You can do this!

Here are some tips that might help you.

1. Make a resolution: ‘You’ve got to have a dream, if you don’t have a dream, how you gonna have a dream come true?’ If you aim at something, you may fail. But if you don’t aim at anything, you’ve definitely failed. ‘And you ask “What if I fall?”Oh but my darling, what if you fly?’

2. Small, achievable goals: You can’t change everything overnight. You don’t have to try to do everything that sounds like a good idea. “I’m gonna eat healthy, and start exercising, and go for daily mass, and read the Catechism and all the works of Shakespeare, and be patient and spend less money and help the poor and start volunteering and DO ALL THE THINGS!” Don’t be crazy! Pick one, two or three resolutions, and then break them down to manageable, specific chunks. So rather than saying “I will be a more positive person”, decide to say one encouraging thing to somebody every day whether it is in person, or by text. Instead of deciding to ‘grow in your faith’, decide to read a spiritual book every day before bed for at least 15 minutes. If it’s achievable, it gives you the satisfaction of success which is enough motivation to keep going. It’s okay if it’s so small that it sounds stupid to someone else. You do what you need.

3. Tell someone: The only way I know for sure I am willing to change is when I am willing to humble myself and tell someone the decision I have made. It helps with accountability, and it uses your pride to your advantage (you’re more likely not to take seconds if you’re eating with someone who knows that that is what you have decided). Tell someone to check on you and ask you how you are doing. Or get together with a small group, and share your goals, and decide when you are going to re-meet to share your progress. Just knowing I have to tell someone helps me stay motivated.

4. Remind yourself why it matters: I have a picture of Saint John Paul II on my cupboard in my room. It says, “Are you capable of risking your life for someone? Do it for Christ.” Sometimes when I don’t want to get out of bed, I see it there, and tell myself, “Do it for Christ.” I used to mumble to myself during one challenging Lenten sacrifice, “Remember what you really want.” Ask yourself why it matters, and when you feel like it doesn’t, remind yourself why it did. “Faith is the art of holding on to things your reason has once accepted, in spite of your changing moods,” says C.S. Lewis. Growth and discipline need that kind of faith.

5. Be patient with yourself: “Always forget the past and never worry about your falls, many as they may be. So long as you get back on your feet, no harm will have been done; whereas, a great deal of harm will occur if you lose heart, or if you berate yourself too much for your failures,” says Ven. Francis Libermann. You get a new chance every time you fall. Just don’t stay down. Don’t give up the fight. If you are fighting for holiness until your last breath you may be assured of heaven, even if you failed that very morning. If God is patient with you, you can afford to be patient with yourself.

6. Be around the right people: Choose to spend your time with people who will help you become the man or woman God has called you to be. If your friend circle or social circle are the ones doing all the stuff you are trying to avoid, or mocking your efforts to grow or change, perhaps you need new friends. '

If you’re still a little nervous about this, here are some ideas for small achievable goals. Don’t forget- don’t pick more than three!

1. Go to sleep on time. Set an alarm for 30 minutes before you want to go to bed, and put away anything that tempts you to stay awake longer- cell phone, books, laptop.

2. Switch off your phone data for a specified amount of time each day (perhaps 10 pm to 8 am).

3. End your day by writing your goals and to do list for the next day, with tasks written in order of importance.

4. Delete time-wasting apps from your phone. Instead, choose one book to read every night before bed. Make a list of books to go through, and make sure they are easily available to you- put them on your bedside table, or on your kindle. (I have plenty of recommendations- Something Other Than God, Searching for and Maintaining Peace, He Leadeth Me, Time for God, Sober Intoxication of the Spirit, the Prayer section of the Catechism, Fill These Hearts.)

5. Every time you catch yourself criticizing someone, or complaining, force yourself to say three good things about the person or situation.

6. Start a prayer journal and write three things you want to thank God for every day.

7. Memorize one bible verse every day. Send it to a friend, or illustrate it it or write it on a white board so you can see it all day.

8. Visit an Adoration chapel for 15 minutes every day before or after work.

9. Go for weekday Mass every day or twice or thrice a week (on pre-assigned days, and tell someone you’re going. It’s too easy to change your mind last minute if you don’t.)

10. Draw a picture every day. Or write every day.

11. Do some Zumba every day.

12. Go for a walk with a friend three times a week.

13. Plan to meet up with or visit one person every week- a friend, family member, or someone who needs a friend.

14. Add Confession to your monthly calendar.

15. Do an Examen at the end of each day.

You have your life ahead of you. It is full of possibilities, full of potential! You CAN become the person God has called you to be! Let us begin.

The Poison We All Breathe

I live in a big Indian city, surrounded by pollution-saturated air. We breathe it in as a matter of course, and consider it normal life to regularly get sick, to have skin break outs and  grimy hair after being out in the traffic for a while, to have breathing problems, especially in the winter. But a couple times a year, my family heads to the hills, and suddenly everything feels different. Our bodies start feeling healthy and energetic again, we breathe deeply of the fresh, clean, pure, cool air, and our sleep is sounder, deeper and more refreshing.

This is not an air pollution blog post. I want to talk about another kind of poison, one that has insidiously affected everything in my world. Most people I know in India have been affected by it, but most seem unaware that it is not normal, or healthy, or even that it exists.

I’m talking about the poison of negativity, the darkness that has influenced most thoughts, ideas, conversations, interactions, relationships and even decisions for the future. You may say, “Who, me? I’m not a negative person! I do know some people like that. But I’m not one of them!”

Well here’s a checklist to find out if you are one of ‘those people’:

1. Which of these topics are you more likely to talk about when you meet up with friends, family, or random acquaintances?

a. How corrupt the government is/ how bad the traffic and pollution are/ how the world is going to hell/ how hard your college course is/ how tired you are/ how busy your life is/ how mean and unfair your boss is/ how stupid/judgmental/annoying people in your life are/ dramatic retelling of the latest annoying/frustrating thing that happened to you

OR

b. The latest cool thing that happened/ a blessing you experienced/ an unexpected thing that worked out/ an achievement you’re proud of/ an answered prayer

2. When someone talks about a plan or dream or new idea, are you more likely to say:

a. Oh, but have you thought about (all possible obstacles to their plan)/ But have you finished working on your last project yet?/ You’re a bit of a dreamer, aren’t you?/ I don’t think it will work, because…

OR

b. Wow! What a great idea! You can do this!/ How can I help?/ That’s exciting! I’ll pray that it all works out!/ That’s really interesting! How do you envision moving forward?

3. When someone makes a mistake, how are you most likely to respond?

a. I TOLD you not to do it that way!/ Next time be more careful./ You’re always like this- too hasty, too distracted, you don’t think things through./ You asked for it! You should have thought about it before getting into it. Now don’t expect me to save you.

OR

b. It’s okay. Everyone makes mistakes./ I’m sorry that happened. How can I help?/ Are you okay?/ It’s not that bad. We could fix it by…

4. When YOU make a mistake, how are you most likely to talk to yourself?

a. Idiot! I can’t believe you did that again!/ Ugh, I’m such an idiot. I’m never trying that again/ Aargh, if only (so and so) had helped me when I had asked none of this would have happened/ I suck at life.

OR

b. (Calming voice) It’s okay, calm down, everyone makes mistakes./ It’s not the end of the world. We can figure this out./ Jesus, please help me fix this.

5. When you are talking about other people, are you more likely to be talking about:

a. People who annoy you- Their annoying habits and their weaknesses/ the unsatisfactory interaction you had with them/ the way they behaved that didn’t meet your standards/ why they are the way they are

OR

b. People who inspire you- Their gifts/ the kind or creative or thoughtful acts they did that you noticed/ why you like them and are glad they are in your life/ the way they inspire you

6. When you hear about someone doing something new, something that hasn't been tried before, how are you likely to react?

a. Talk about how they are probably going to fail/ feel vaguely resentful or irritated/ talk about how their efforts are most likely going to backfire and negatively impact existing structures and efforts/ watch and wait skeptically

OR

b. Feel inspired and excited by what they are doing/ hope for the best and pray that their efforts are fruitful/ offer to collaborate or help/ encourage them 

7. When thinking about your upcoming day/week/month/year/life, what do you usually think of and feel?

a. All the possible things that could go wrong and the reasons why they probably will/ A vague sense of doom and disaster/ What people are probably thinking and saying about you, and why you don’t measure up to where they think you should be/ A sense of failure because you’re pretty sure you’re not going to be where you thought you would be

OR

b. All the potential that the future holds/ a sense of anticipation and excitement for the surprises around the corner/ a sense of purpose and determination as you think of goals you plan to work towards/ “I don’t know, but it’s going to be AWESOME!”/ A sense of peace- “I don’t know what my future holds, but I know Who holds my future.

8. How do you talk to or relate to children?

a. Constantly tell them to be careful or they will fall or get hurt/ watch them and critique every action and word/ constantly remind them to say thank you, say sorry, be polite, be respectful, study hard, study harder, do well in their exams/ only talk to them when you are correcting them or giving advice

OR

b. Ask them about their interests and listen to their answer/ tell them things that you noticed about them that you really liked (I love how you are playing with your little sister, and watching out for her!)/ make funny faces at them and play with them

9. What kind of expression does your face usually hold?

a. Gloomy/ serious/ little frown between your eyes/ preoccupied/ RBF

OR

b. Quick to smile/ pleasant upturn of your lips in moments of repose/ interested and alert

I could go on forever. So… mostly As or mostly Bs? Be honest! With a lot of us, it’s an overwhelming chorus of As. So do you believe me when I say we have a problem? The easiest way to bond with people is to share a common grievance. It’s almost like we don’t know anything else that we could talk about. We see the world and its events through a lens of sadness or hopelessness, as if everything and everyone was doomed to failure. That is all we have heard from most people in our life. 

Why does it matter? Can't we just enjoy our shared negativity as this quirk of our society and world?

The truth is negativity is silently destructive. It brings us down, and brings everyone else down with us. It makes us less likely to try new things, to take a risk, to do good. Every act is seen as a possible disaster. And if everything is doomed to failure, why try anyway? Negativity is a prison that prevents us from becoming the people we are capable of being. It prevents us from changing the world because negativity whispers that it is incapable of change, and what do we have to offer anyway?

Negativity is catching. I’ve been both a recipient of other people’s negativity and a sharer of my own. Is that all there is? Are we doomed to standing around until we die huddled in little circles repeating all the reasons for despair?

No! We need something new, and it is within our reach! Especially for those of us who are Christian, we have a reason to hope. We need to live as people of hope. How many Christians do you know who you could describe as people of hope and joy? Not as many as you should, right? So how do we detox? How do we move out of this poisonous atmosphere, and start breathing the pure, sweet air of hope?

1. Choose hope: It is a choice! It’s not just that some people were born sunny-tempered and optimistic and the rest of us are genetically predisposed to be grumpy grinches. The action often comes before the feeling. You can FEEL bad-tempered and still choose not to ACT bad-tempered. You can train yourself to hold your tongue when all you can think of is negative or uncharitable words to say. You can train yourself to speak words of hope and encouragement (take another look at all the ‘b’s above.) Speak the truth aloud and eventually you will internalize it. Make a list of things that you are grateful for every day, the positives in a difficult situation.

2. Surround yourself with people who are choosing hope too. If there are negative people who often bring you down, speak to them and tell them you need something different in your life. Speak words of hope to them, and be persistent even when they are resistant to change. I went through a period of life when I struggled with anxiety and negative thoughts, but I had people around me who told me again and again, “You’ve got this! Everything is going to be okay!” I was like, “No! It’s not! I can prove to you why everything is NOT going to be okay!” But they didn’t give up on me. And eventually I began to hope again too. Hope and joy are catching too!

3. Go for regular Confession: This seems unrelated, but every time I have been struggling in a bog of negativity, and then gone for Confession, the darkness lifted. It was like drowning and then reaching the surface and taking a big breath of air. It is probably because negativity is related to the spiritual realm; despair, accusation and hopelessness the favourite language of the Prince of Liars. It takes weapons of light to fight weapons of darkness.

4. Face your fears: Spend time in prayer, and be very honest about the things that you are afraid of, the people who are negatively influencing your life. Journal about it. And then read the bible. There are some powerful hope-filled words in there! ‘ALL things work for good, for those who love God, who are called according to His purpose.’ ‘The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear?’ The truth is that God has won the victory already, so no suffering in our life in permanent; no person has the power to steal my peace and joy. My future IS full of hope, because I am headed for heaven. Life on earth is short, and that is not something to be afraid of!

5. Do things that make you happy: Sometimes our lives ARE hard, and we carry heavy burdens. We may live with people who are difficult, or maybe we are stuck in a job that does not satisfy. Maybe we are at a time of transition, where a lot of things are uncertain. Maybe we have big battles we are fighting at this stage in our lives. This is ALL THE MORE reason to make place in your life for joy. Sing songs aloud, do some zumba with a friend, paint a picture, go for a walk, watch a (non-depressing) movie, do some praise and worship. Don't wallow in idle pits of despair. Remember why life ISN’T sad and bad and scary.

6. Make a change: Some things about our life we can’t change. But some we can! If you’re stuck in a depressing job with negative co-workers, look for a new job! If you live in a negative environment, look for a new home, with new roommates. Make new friends. Read new books. Listen to new music. Spend your leisure time in new ways- serving others.  If the negativity is more deeply rooted, go for counselling. Pray, ask God for guidance, and act! Don’t be afraid to try something new.

In the words of Pope Saint John Paul II, 'I plead with you--never, ever give up on hope, never doubt, never tire, and never become discouraged. Be not afraid.'