Letter to My Teenage Self

Dear young, awkward, skinny Sue,

First of all, don't freak out, but you turn out to be 33 years old and not yet married. Yeah, you don't get married in your early twenties and have a bunch of kids. Didn't expect THAT, did you? But that is the least of all the unexpected things your life holds! I have some news, and some advice, and some lessons I want to share (because people in their thirties like to do that kind of thing).

1. Stop obsessing about romance, marriage and crushes. It's not just something people say to make themselves feel better about being single, but there REALLY REALLY is a LOT more to life than romance. There are SO many good and exciting and challenging things to do and learn and explore, and YOU ARE WASTING YOUR TIME READING ROMANCE NOVELS AND WATCHING CHICK FLICKS.  Did I say that loud enough? Did you hear me? Put that book down (or even better, throw it away), and jump into something more challenging and interesting.

2. Life gets better once you cross 25. There is nothing like the confidence of the late twenties and thirties. Man, you just won't care anymore! Remember when you were excruciatingly aware of your awkward gait, and self-conscious body language, and you used to practise walking confidently on your way home from college? That totally stops being a thing. You start fitting into your own skin. Also, bonus, you finally start having regular good hair days, and even know how to look pretty without too much effort. But sorry, you never really figure out make-up and how to switch on a photogenic smile, but that's okay. You're beautiful and you finally believe it.

Making weird faces at cameras for three decades

3. You need to start working on discipline. It's not something that magically appears when you cross a certain age. If you don't exercise those self-control muscles now, you will be struggling with it fifteen years later. You have GOT to learn to switch self-indulgence for self-denial. I promise you the fruits of self-denial are much much sweeter. If you don't know where to start, make a daily schedule, set goals for yourself, and make yourself accountable to someone. Start something, and keep at it. It will get easier.

4. Adventures are not as scary as you think they are. Guess what, you travel to the US three times, live in the Philippines for two years, leave your home and family to start afresh many times in MANY different homes, and with many different sets of people, and you actually enjoy a lot of that. You are sometimes homesick and you make mistakes, but you also make lifelong friends, and learn to survive on your own, you learn to travel (although home is still your favorite place), and to figure out how to get things done when you need to without paralyzing anxiety. Life begins at the end of your comfort zone. If you cling to it too firmly, you will never grow or change or become the woman you were meant to be.

Adventures: Even boring introverts need them

5. Your faith means nothing if it is not transformed into LOVE. Yes, I know you are super into apologetics, and understanding and explaining the truth of the Catholic faith. And you may be happy to know that 33 year old Sue still loves the beauty and the truth revealed by Jesus through the Catholic Church. But reading blogs and hanging out on Catholic forums and arguing with people is never going to change the world. Look for ways to love people. Fill up your time with service to the poor. Spend more time sharing your faith than defending it. I promise it's worth it.

6. You don't land up marrying ANY of the many crushes you have now. Instead, you meet and fall in love with a doctor (I know, what?!!) from a very different culture than you. You're 32 when you meet him, but all the experiences and lessons of the previous decade have prepared you for this man, and the new life God is inviting you into with him. You can't skip steps. God works things out exactly when and how He wants to, so stop worrying or obsessing about it and live fully the present moment. There is no shame in being single. By the way, when romance finally happens, it is exactly as sweet and beautiful as you hoped it would be, and makes the years of waiting worth it.

Romance in your thirties is just as sweet

7. You never have everything totally figured out. Apparently, nobody does. There are many unanswered questions, self-doubt and struggles with impostor syndrome, problems to solve, decisions to make at EVERY stage of your life. It's not that you magically find your one true career or calling and then live it our perfectly. You're a teacher, a blogger, a full-time Catholic worker, but you will soon be a wife, hopefully a mother, and probably an author (yes, you're supposed to be working on a book). You may do other things and be other things too as life goes on. You don't have to have it all figured out. You just need to ask God what's next, and be faithful to that thing.

Life is good, young Sue! Be happy! Don't be afraid. Stay close to Jesus, and trust that He's going to help you figure things out. And like they say, survive, chuckle, show affection.

P.S. You're no longer young, awkward or skinny.

Related Reading

Breaking Out of the Bubble

Why I’m Glad I Wasn’t the Pretty Girl

On Waiting

It is rare that I find a Christian who does not love reflecting and pondering on the topic of ‘waiting on the Lord’… usually while journaling and drinking a big cup of coffee. Or maybe that’s particularly an American Christian woman stereotype.

Anyway, the stereotype is based on a very real integral part of every person’s life – waiting and the need for hope. Over the past decade and a half, I’ve probably filled up many journals reflecting on this very topic. I assume if you search through my blog archives, you will find even more. But never more so than at Advent does this aspect rise to the surface. We relive and reflect on the hopes and dreams of the entire world, the ache for fulfilment, the longing for salvation through the centuries in these days. I wrote a little about it in my last post. I wanted to share just a few little insights and ponderings of my own heart.

- Waiting is not forever. Hope does not disappoint. We can get so used to waiting, we sometimes forget that it is not an end in itself. But Jesus came! God is here, close to the hearts of all those who seek Him. That is why waiting and hope and inextricable linked. We are called to wait with joyful anticipation. Let God surprise you! How often do we miss out on His surprises because we have stopped looking for them, our eyes are not lifted up to see them anymore. Don't stop expecting and don't stop asking.

- There are many different periods of waiting during our earthly lives. But look back – so many have been fulfilled! God came through SO many times. I often forget, because I’m looking at the next thing. ‘Remember the days you prayed for what you have now.’

 - Waiting is one of the most beautiful gifts God can give us, because it is an invitation to unite ourselves with the Giver, not the gift. It is perhaps not the easiest gift to receive, but that does not make it any less valuable. Looking back at over a decade of singleness, waiting to receive the gift of a husband and family, I realized I would not change it if I had a choice now, because in the struggle, in the questions, in the adventures, in the solitude… I found an intimacy with God, and a new strength and reliance on Him, that perhaps I would not have received any other way.

 - One of the beautiful gifts of waiting is solidarity with others who wait. Only women who have at some time time struggled with infertility can truly empathize and walk with those who carry that burden. I could preach from the rooftops about how ‘God alone is enough’ and how being single is not the end of the world, but my words have weight because I’ve lived that. I have had such deep and tender moments of shared burdens but shared hope with other single women. But it took both the experience, as well as the willingness to be vulnerable with others about the struggle.

- Waiting is a beautiful way to abide, instead of strive, to be receptive to what God is saying and doing, rather than to grasp at the things I think I need.

 - The key to waiting is trust. God is trustworthy. He will NOT disappoint you. He has NOT forgotten you. He will NOT deprive you. He will NEVER give you second-best. It is when we let trust die in our hearts, that waiting becomes tinged with bitterness, with cynicism, with despair.

- The surest way to rob waiting of its gifts is to start comparing your life with others'. That is taking on a suffering God has not asked you to bear. Comparison is a thief of joy. Your story is different from others'. Your waiting contains gifts they will not receive.

 - God alone really IS enough. I need to remind myself of that when I'm tempted to make the object of my waiting into an idol. He satisfies. Fulton Sheen writes, 'You begin to see that friendship, the joys of marriage, the thrill of possession, the sunset and the evening star, masterpieces of art and music, (...) the industries and comforts of life, are all gifts of God. He dropped them on the roadway of life, to remind you that if these are so beautiful, then what must be Beauty!' He is the One we are really waiting for, and He has promised us Himself.

- 'God is never late, but He is sure never early either.' That line from one of the recent Abiding Together podcasts struck me. God's gonna take His time. Settle back, and don't stress out. 'Lord, take your sweet, sweet time.' 

I pray today for all those of you who wait.

Related Links 

Waiting [Abiding Together Podcast] 

Loneliness and Longing - Bobby Angel

Discernment - Bobby Angel

If you liked this post, consider becoming a patron for as little as Rs 100 or a $1 a month. Patrons receive a weekly behind the scenes video and a free copy of my ebook. Email me at solosenilejive@gmail.com for more information.

The Questions You Always Had about Christian Women’s Households

Many people in India are shocked to hear that I do not live with my parents even though we live in the same city. I live in a flat with three other women (at the moment, it changes), down the road from the school at which my team serves. There are usually amazed questions that we have all faced from people who think only college students would choose a life like that, and can’t imagine what our life looks like. So here you go, some common questions (plus some we made up) and our honest answers.

So… you cook? 

Amazing at it may seem, I am quite capable as a 32 year old woman who has lived away from home for most of the past eight years, of feeding myself and others with REAL food. I can make bhajis and chapatis, rice and dal, and plenty of other yummy dishes too. Somehow people equate being unmarried with being helpless. MY mum was not just cooking for but also raising four young children when she was 32 (the youngest arrived when she was 33). Each of the women in our household take turns to cook. But of course, we do NOT live the life of a typical Indian wife and mom – we do not cook every day. We schedule cooking every other day, and are quite happy to eat leftovers, and do not demand or expect fresh chapatis at every meal.

Perfectly round chapatis are not usually found in our home. Probably why we're still single.

Every now and again we ‘scrounge’ (as I like to refer to it) when there’s no regular food left. I consider hummus with chips a great in-between meal. Or hummus sandwiches. Or hummus with veggies. (We make GREAT hummus.)

And who cleans? 

Once again, we are adult women quite capable of cleaning our own home. I don’t at all judge those who hire a cleaning lady, especially when they have kids or very demanding jobs. But we don’t need to do that, and take pride in being able to work with our hands. Funny story, when I first moved away from home, I lived with an American volunteer who was shocked that I had a maid growing up. “What does Sue have in common with a princess?” she asked, and then supplied the answer- “She has never cleaned a toilet.” Well, that’s changed. We have a weekly chore chart, and while our house is not always pristine, and we do have messy days, we manage to keep it fairly clean.

Do y’all fight? 

Not really. One of the women I live with is my sister, so we occasionally have disagreements that we talk out. But the beauty of being not very young adults is that we’ve learned to extend grace to each other, not make a big deal about small stuff, and assume the best about each other.

What is the best thing about living in household? 

I read some American Catholic single writing about how hard it is to be unmarried – no one to cook for, to come back home to. I don’t know why people assume marriage is the only way to have community. I love that we have people to do stuff for. If I was alone, I probably wouldn’t cook at all, or follow any kind of schedule, and would probably get pretty depressed. I love that I always have someone to talk to about my day (and my dreams), to go to Mass with, to laugh with and to pray with. It's great for accountability and growth in discipline.

Actually one of my favourite moments each day is at about 9 pm when we gather in our living room to pray the Divine Office and sing the Salve Regina at the end. It is a quiet and peace-filled way to end each day.

I asked my household sisters what their answers would be and they said –

The discipline of our life together, combined with freedom. We follow a common schedule, but with large chunks of time to do our own personal tasks. It’s not like being at home a parent telling you what to do, we choose it freely.

The freedom and lack of guilt or blame – even if we occasionally forget our chores, no one makes a big deal about it, but just reminds us.

The conversations – every night we eat dinner together and just chat about everything.

What’s the hardest thing about living in household? 

For me, it’s balancing the needs of the introverts with the extroverts. I am far more aware in household how an extreme on either side can hurt the other members. Even though I am often a chatterbox, I often withdraw into my own world, with my phone or laptop or book. I can do that for hours at a time. But then I realize I haven’t even asked my household sisters how their day has been, and I wonder if they are secretly feeling isolated or hurt by me. At the same time, I can’t do constant long conversations, because I start feeling frustrated or exhausted, and I know other introverts feel the same way. So that’s sometime hard.

For the others- Not having a water heater (aka geyser) or a washing machine. Technically we could buy them, but this is a temporary home, and we try to live simply, or make do, so we are not planning to do so.

For our newest member who has never lived away from home, it is just feeling a little homesick, and not yet finding her comfort zone.

What advice would you give a group of women (or men) who were planning to set up their own Christian household? 

Do it! It is totally worth it! If you are planning to be married some day, this is a great preparation for married life. You have to adjust, and face your own selfishness and temptation to blame and be resentful. But if you’re willing to learn these lessons of love, how beautiful the resulting fellowship is! And if you're probably not getting married, it's a great opportunity to build a happy home.

My household sisters’ advice –

Learn how to do conflict resolution before you move into a household. Most Indians don’t talk directly about issues, but we have to learn how to do it. We need to unlearn unhealthy habits of communication like being passive-aggressive, or using anger or accusation as a weapon, or avoiding issues.

Be clear about expectations and jointly decide beforehand what your schedule and goals are. When people do make mistakes, do not accuse or make them feel guilty, but gently remind one another about the decisions made.

Get to know each other’s likes and dislikes, needs and schedules, so that no one treads on each other’s toes, and each person has the space that they need.

And bonus question that someone actually asked us – what is one old person thing that you all do? 

Well, we’re all deaf. We constantly have conversations that go –

“Huh?”

“What? Are you talking to yourself or to me?”

“What did you say? What did she say?”

 “She said she doesn’t like mumblemumblemumble.”

“She doesn’t like WHAT?”

“SHE DOESN’T LIKE MUMBLEMUMBLEMUMBLE!!!”

“Oh, never mind.”

Well, either we’re all deaf, or we all mumble. Quite possibly both.

Us soon.

The other old person thing that we do is Zumba. Or rather Refitrev. You might say that’s a young people thing. But that’s the point, we look at those videos and try to follow along and start feeling our age.

“Why are they all so skinny and chirpy?” (about the dance instructors)

“No, we don’t want to be your friend. We have enough friends.” (When the dance instructors try to have intimate chats with us at the beginning of the videos.)

Sorry, white women, you don't have a monopoly on this.

“How do they even do that step? I’m too old for this.”

“They’re moving too fast! And there are too many steps. How do they expect us to remember all these steps?”

“Never mind, just keep moving your body awkwardly, the point is to be healthy not be expert dancers.”

“I can do THAT! Thank God the windows are closed anyway.”

“How long has it been? I’m exhausted. Twenty minutes? Yup, I’m done.”

 And that, my friends, is a Christian Women's Household.

Why and How to Crush-Proof Your Heart

Ha ha you fell for my clickbait title! Of course you can’t crush-proof your heart. What a ridiculous claim! You may as well say, how to not be human.

BUT from my long and illustrious past as a regular crush-haver I will say that I have definitely seen that I played a major part in my own self-destructive spirals.

Hold on, I haven’t presented why I think crushes are to be avoided at all. Aren’t they just a fun and exciting part of life? You would think so, except when you are smack-dab in the middle of a yet another hopeless and painful crush.

Okay, here’s the bullet point list.

• Crushes are not based on reality. So the more often you are consumed by a crush, the less you are able to live in the real world. '
• Crushes can tempt us to treat people as objects. Crushes are ALL about ‘the way you make me feel’, not about the actual person.
• Crushes can be dangerous, because they lead us further and further down a path of attention-seeking and thrill-seeking. 
• The bigger we allow a crush to become, the less we are able to love and focus on real relationships and human beings in our lives. 
• Crushes way too easily turn obsessive. You know it’s true, all you Facebook stalkers out there!
• Crushes can be freakin’ painful. Maybe not heartbreak painful (he loved me and left me types), but most definitely heartache painful. And not a suffering that comes with truly loving someone, but self-inflicted wounds that play on our insecurities, fears and unfulfilled desires. 

Convinced yet? Even if you are, you are probably very skeptical of your power to prevent any of that pain. Crushes just happen, right? Well, partly. Attraction just happens. Not all attraction has to turn into a full-blown crush. So here are my best tips to strengthen your emotional boundaries, and replacing infatuation with a more authentic brand of love.

1. Accept that this is a long process of retraining your emotions. There is no shortcut method.

2. Quickest, most brutal but most effective method - stop feeding on emotional candy. Romance novels, chick flicks, listening to ‘Perfect’ on repeat, cutesy #relationship goals memes, romantic fanfic, Taylor Swift and Ed Sheeran music videos. If you aren’t willing to significantly cut down on that, you are most likely doomed to live this way forever. I’m not saying NEVER watch a romcom, just know yourself, and pace yourself. If you need to do a movie fast for a while, do it! Replace these things with good books, classical music, world issues, biographies, sci-fi… the world is full of interesting things!

3. Start looking at the opposite sex with new eyes. You are only going to land up with ONE person (hopefully). That means everyone else should be a brother or a sister. Girls, can you decide to look at every new guy you meet as a brother and a friend, not a potential spouse or boyfriend for you or your best friend?

4. Look at people as they really are, and get to know them, warts and all. Spend real time with them. Ask them questions. Usually people are annoying enough and REAL enough that once you get to know them, the rosy crush glow starts fading away. Then either you have a REAL friendship based on accepting and liking the person for who they are, or you er.. don’t. I read somewhere ‘The more you talk to a person the more you either love them or hate them’. That’s how I got over most of my crushes. :-D

5. Absolutely NO Facebook stalking! Or any other type of stalking. Don’t go down that road.

6. No keeping of souvenirs, photos, clothes belonging to the crush. Don’t feed it! Self-control! You’re better than this! Do you really want to become the crazy girl from The Crush? (Watched it when I was 12, scarred me for life.)

7. Keep your mind and your heart busy. An idle mind is the devil’s workshop – it’s not just a saying our parents came up with to make us work harder. Find ways to fill your days and time with projects that excite you and stimulate your mind. Organize an after school activity for underprivileged kids! Write a book! Paint a picture! Start an NGO! Look for a different job if all it does is bore you and keep you dreaming about a person you don’t have.

8. Invest in the relationships you already have. Love is NOT just a feeling, and it is definitely not anywhere close to an infatuation. So train yourself in real love by learning the love languages of the people around you, and using them!

9. Don’t obsess! I don’t know if guys do this, but we girls love to sit and talk and talk about our crushes, reliving and analyzing every word or action, feeling the feelings all over again. You may feel attracted to someone, you don’t have to immediately talk it out. Most times what may have passed easily gets blown up into this BIG THING.

10. Attraction is not always romantic. The next time you feel drawn or attracted to someone, look at them, and say “I am attracted to the goodness, beauty, kindness of this person because it reflects the goodness, beauty, kindness of God.” You can feel drawn to someone without needing to own them, or needing them to prove that you too are attractive. It’s kind of like what we joking call man-crushes or girl-crushes… but let’s expand it to all people of both sexes. That way, when you ARE in a relationship, you are still able to relate to people who are not your spouse. Did you know married people still have crushes? No big deal… as long as they don’t act on them. But even better if we can all train ourselves to look at people differently, not as objects of our emotional or sexual fantasies, but as PERSONS with innate value and dignity quite apart from the way they make us feel about ourselves.

11. Invest in healthy friendships with people who love and value you so that you are not constantly looking for someone to validate you or give you attention.

12. Change the channel when you start day-dreaming. You can’t prevent a sudden thought from barging into your mind, but you can sure as heck show it to the door. Why yes, fantasizing about kissing someone is a way of objectifying a human being.

I wasted a LOT of my younger years obsessing on one crush after another. Of course it was occasionally exciting when someone I liked seemed to like me back, or even paid me the smallest amount of attention. But the result of a crush-heavy life was that I was sad a lot of the time, because those crushes were visual representations of unfulfilled desires. I would go on family holidays, ignoring my family, and walk around depressed because I just wished I had a boyfriend. What an idiot!

Thankfully in my early 20s God gave me a loving but firm wake-up call, and I stopped being bored and boring and started LIVING my life. I have still had crushes after that, but they have been far less frequent, and not as powerful or painful (with a few lapses for shorter periods of time). I still feel the feelings, but my emotions don’t control me. I am far happier with who I am (SINGLE AND 32 WHAT WHAT!) and am able to have healthy and good relationships with most people I meet.

What I’m saying is, if you follow all my tips, YOU TOO CAN CRUSH-PROOF YOUR HEART, BECOME INVULNERABLE AND NEVER FACE HEARTACHE AGAIN!

Kidding. Just kidding.

Recommended reading:

Fill These Hearts by Christopher West
How (and Why) Not To Fall in Love 
Guys, Stop Texting Girls! And Other Super Helpful Advice for the 'Good' Guys

Broken Phones and Unknown Futures

A couple of days ago I broke my phone. Again. It just slipped out of my hand… Okay, let’s be honest, I was juggling too many things, didn’t want to bother putting them down, and trying to open a door that was stuck, so of course I dropped it. I’ve dropped it several times over the past two years that I’ve owned it, but the case always seemed to protect it. Not this time. This time the screen turned to white. The phrase that flashed across my mind was one I had seen the last time I googled broken iPhones. It’s an ominous phrase….

The White Screen of Death. (shudder)

I was on my way to my prayer time on the back porch looking over the gorgeous woods in one corner of South Louisiana. I have recently been using an app called Pray As You Go to help focus my scattered brain during my prayer time. But now of course my phone was dead.

The last time this happened I freaked out. My phone is like my portable office. It has my means of communication with the world, my email, my contacts, my photos and videos. I’m in a foreign country, my phone (plus wifi) is my lifeline. Whatsapp! Everything happens on Whatsapp! That day I was planning to use the phone to record interviews for a project I’m working on. And now, it was all dead. So the last time (a few days earlier), I spent the morning googling how to fix it, trying to figure out how much it would cost to repair (too much), emailing everyone to say I was off Whatsapp, posting on facebook and asking for prayers. And worrying, worrying, thinking of what I should do, how I would manage without it.

Yes, I know I may be too attached to my phone, but it was a real problem! I didn’t have a back up phone. I only have an iPhone because it’s third-hand and a friend gave it to me.

The last time it broke, it had weird white lines across the screen, and when I switched it off and tried to turn it back on, nothing happened. I did it again and again, nothing. Google had nothing helpful for me. And then a few hours later, I tried one more time, and it came on… with a white film over the screen, that gradually faded. True miracle story.

Anyway this time it was just the White Screen of Death, and nothing else. But something miraculous happened. I did not freak out. I didn’t rush to tell anyone, or google it. I continued with my plan of having my prayer time, even without an audio bible reading and reflection (What?? People can pray without any tools??) I walked around the beautiful green yard with the crisp cool air and the welcome warmth of the sunshine on my face. I picked a flower. And I felt a deep sense of peace.

I didn’t know what I should do. I had no guarantee it would ever turn on again, let alone in time for my interview in an hour. There had to be a solution, but I didn’t know what it was yet. And yet I was at peace.

And then it hit me – THIS is what it means to trust in God’s promises, and to be a woman of faith. I’ve often struggled with that. I both loved and hated this verse: ‘Blessed is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of what was promised to her by the Lord.’ Luke 1:45

“I’d love to believe Your promises, God… but what are they exactly? You never guaranteed that we would get everything we wanted, that life would go exactly the way we wanted. People have trusted you and still been martyred, people have trusted you and still suffered the loss of loved ones, people have trusted you and still remained childless or spouseless. So what exactly am I trusting? Or hoping for? Or believing?”

Too many people act as if getting what they want is the prize for trusting God.

But today I realized… trusting God meant trusting Him to provide an unknown good outcome. It doesn’t mean the elimination of hardships and trials (like the MASSIVE TRIAL OF LIVING WITHOUT A PHONE <--sarcasm), it doesn’t mean the complexities of the human condition and situations just disappear. I hate it when people just over-simplify everything and close their eyes to real complicated situations.

BUT. God’s promise is that He WILL work it out. That everything is going to be okay. That we WILL ultimately be happy. That He will never abandon us. That our lives are full of hope even when we don’t get exactly what we want. That He will provide answers, even if they’re not the ones we expected.

But here’s the bigger one. He promised that HE HIMSELF will be our prize, that He will satisfy our desires with HIMSELF. If we think any human gift is more attractive than Heaven is, it is because we still have not glimpsed or tasted the love of Christ, or we have forgotten.

I don’t know what my future holds. It has been frustrating sometimes to not know. I am unmarried, so I don’t have the stability or permanence of family life (though families tell me their lives have as many questions). I am an itinerant full-time volunteer, moving to different homes and cities, travelling more than I’d prefer. I’ve worked with so many different people and projects and kids in so many different ways. Where will I be ten years from now? What will I be doing? I have no idea. There are so many factors out of my control. But I can trust that it will be an unknown GOOD future. It will have joys, it will have struggles. But I know Who will still be at my side, and I know life with Him is more than enough.

After I finished praying that day, I went in to do the interview. I decided to plug my phone into my laptop, just to see. And yes, it just turned on. I’m glad I didn’t waste the previous hour worrying. And I refuse to spend my current life worrying about everything. God’s going to work it all out beautifully, as He does for anyone who seeks Him, walks with Him and trusts Him.

What Not To Look For in an Indian Spouse

I recently achieved the heights of my ambition a few months ago when someone texted me to ask if I could ‘look for someone for his brother’. I don’t know what I did to deserve this honour. I was under the impression that you had to be a middle-aged auntie with an opinion about everything to have that kind of know-how. Then again I’m practically 32 and I definitely have an opinion about everything, so I suppose it makes sense. Not to mention, I’m kind of a church lady.

I wasn’t sure exactly how to go about this, but it seemed like a good idea to ask for some kind of description of the guy I was supposed to be finding a match for. The answer came back shortly, and I shouldn’t have been surprised, but it included the typical list that a lot of Indians look for in spouses. I wasn’t sure how to react, but then I realized… OF COURSE. I’ll write a blog post. :-D (I did ask the guy who had contacted me why he included those requirements, and it turned out his dad had just made the list based on how he had seen lists like that made.)

So, if you’re the kind of person ‘looking out’ for a spouse in India via the traditional methods (including matrimonial ads), here are some ideas for what not to demand:

1. Fair: You knew I was going to lead with this, didn’t you? Why, oh why, are we still obsessed with fairness of skin? Isn’t it obvious how shallow such a desire is? It’s time to let it go, from our hearts, our thoughts, our conversations and definitely our requirements in our spouses. I know, you’ve been influenced by your culture, by Hollywood and Bollywood, by your mother who talks about that girl at church, “Very fair, so beautiful” as if those two things are interchangeable. But you can re-programme your mind. Look for the beauty in dark skin, in all skin tones, in all faces. You may be ignoring so many wonderful people because they are a darker shade than you. And I hate to break it to you, but if you’re looking for an Indian spouse, um, most of us are *whisper* brown. Which is not white.

2. Tall: Seriously, again, why? Did I miss some study that shows that taller people make better spouses? The average Indian man is 5’4” and the average Indian woman is 5’. Who says tall is better than short? I realize that most guys would like a girl shorter than themselves, and most women would like to be swept off their feet by a taller and I suppose stronger husband. But even that doesn’t matter when it comes down to real people who fall in love.

3. Possessing prestigious degrees: While I agree that it would be good to find a spouse who hasn’t been frittering away his or her life on partying or playing Dota, I don’t think educational qualifications necessarily show you the worth of a life, whether they are industrious, intelligent or motivated. And don’t even get me started on the strange custom of making wedding toasts that list off the educational qualifications of bride and groom.

4. Earning a certain amount of money per year: Again, being able to hold down a stable job and provide for or contribute to the family, that’s good to know. Needing a certain level of wealth in order to have a happy marriage, not so much.

5. Very strict age requirements: I was chatting with some friends recently, and the conversation turned to marriage (as it often does when I’m around). “How much older or how much younger are you open to?” was the question someone asked. To my surprise, both the guys I was talking to had VERY specific ages in mind. “Not more than two years older or three years younger.””Are you serious? So if you met the woman of your dreams and she turns out to be four years younger than you, you’ll say, ‘Sorry, lady, you were born the wrong year’?” I asked. Both these guys have a strong faith and want godly marriages. Why do we make more rules than God makes? I used to think older girls and younger guys was kind of odd (conditioned of course by the world I live in), until I met some friends in my organization with several of the women older than their husbands, some as much as 8 years, but evenly matched in maturity, intelligence and goals. So when did age define that?

6. From the same community/caste/state: Indians are obsessed with this. I understand it might be partly because our cultures are so different, and it might be harder to adjust to someone else’s culture. But how can it be a non-negotiable? There have been so many happy cross-cultural weddings. I do understand far more the desire to find a spouse who shares your faith. But that is because your faith shapes your goals and future, it is not (or should not be) merely a cultural identity.

So what SHOULD you look for, especially when you do need to write something down, or ask someone to ‘look out for someone’ for you?

Why not throw out physical descriptions, and talk more about beliefs, priorities, goals, desires and dreams? And then, here’s a novel idea, why not actually MEET people, get to know them, and then decide, rather than relying on someone else to pick out the right product based on a marketing list you have created? Don’t be in a hurry, don’t let anyone rush you, get to know the unique person that God has created, and discern together if you are called to marriage. Each person is so different, and can’t be reduced to a list of qualities, or descriptors.

When you DO meet someone, look for the things that can’t be figured out via matrimonial column. Are they consistently kind? How do they spend their free time? Are they merely ‘religious’, or are they lovers of God and lovers of people? What are their friends like? How do they deal with stress, or when they don’t get their way? Do they sulk, blame or yell? Are they honest when it causes them inconvenience? What motivates them?

Too many marriages are weak or shaky or crumbling because perhaps they were not built on very firm foundations. Choose wisely this day what you prioritize, because you will most likely reap what you sow.

P.S. Please don’t ask me to “find someone” for you. I apparently have not gotten the hang of it yet.

A Catholic Perspective on Arranged Marriages

The concept of arranged marriages is as fascinating and repulsive to the Western world, as it is natural and normal to most of India. Most of my friends’ parents had arranged marriages, most likely all of their ancestors before them. Some of my schoolmates, and many of the students I’ve given talks to have shared that arranged marriages are a normal part of their family culture, and expected of them as well. Surprisingly, many Catholics from more traditionally Indian cultures have also retained this custom.

What does this really mean? Well, it means different things for different cultures, and different generations. Most commonly it means serious parental involvement in the timing and choice of marriage partner. At a particular age, the parents of a girl (and often guy too) start ‘looking for a match’. How do they do this? Well, there are matrimonial columns, the network of relatives, weddings are apparently prime occasions to display your marriageable children, and view potential spouses. I’m a little fuzzy on the details. As far as I know, once you hear of a good match, the parents do a little research, asking questions like ‘How much does this boy earn? What kind of job? Any bad habits? Good family? Any shameful family secrets? Esteemed by the world in general?” etc. If all these are answered satisfactorily, they ask someone to approach the parents of the other side, or they contact them themselves with a proposal. (Aren’t proposals so romantic? ) 

Then there is the ‘meeting’. The potential groom’s family comes over to the potential bride’s, and under their watchful eye, they ‘get to know each other’. (And don’t forget the tea served by the ‘girl’, as the ‘boy’ and his family look her over.) In most cases, both the man and woman have to give their okay, and if they do, the arrangements begin. Sometimes, they get to meet a few more times before having to make a final decision. In much more modern settings, the arranged marriage is more of a set-up, where the initial introduction is done through ‘elders’ or relatives or godparents, which possibly included a bio and photo, but the couple meet themselves and decide if they like each other enough to consider each other potential spouses. Not so different from dating sites in the West. 

Most non-Indians think arranged marriages are an archaic and terrible idea. And yet, I know many couples who are very happily married after having had their marriages arranged for them. For many, they went into the marriage with their eyes open, had enough in common (culture and expectations) to build a home together, and grew to love the person that they did not know well before they were married. 

Some people say it’s the luck of the draw. Many ‘love marriages’ fall apart, many ‘arranged marriages’ don’t. Marriage is a risk one way or another. You can’t guarantee happiness. Plus, arranged marriages have the advantage of helping everyone find a life partner. Expecting everyone to find their own spouse seems a little haphazard and possibly dooming many people to the single life. For someone with a Catholic perspective on marriage, what are we to make of arranged marriages? Are we for them, against them, or do we reserve judgment? 

It’s me, Sue! I never reserve judgment! :-D 

The Catechism of the Catholic Church says a lot about marriage. But here’s a relevant excerpt: 1625 The parties to a marriage covenant are a baptized man and woman, free to contract marriage, who freely express their consent; "to be free" means: 
- not being under constraint; 
- not impeded by any natural or ecclesiastical law. 

1626 The Church holds the exchange of consent between the spouses to be the indispensable element that "makes the marriage." If consent is lacking there is no marriage. 

1627 The consent consists in a "human act by which the partners mutually give themselves to each other": "I take you to be my wife" - "I take you to be my husband." 

One of the big problems I see in many arranged marriages is that there may not be REAL freedom. Maybe there isn’t someone holding a gun to your head and forcing you to the altar, but there are other ways of constraining people- like emotional blackmail and pressure. How common is it for the parents of young women to keep at them, day in and day out, telling them it is their duty to marry, not to be picky, nobody is perfect anyway, that it’s ‘high time’ they settled down, that they need grandchildren, ‘what will people say?’, that time is running out, their chances are decreasing, and such other emotionally manipulative techniques. (It happens to guys too, but far more to girls because you know, they have shorter shelf lives.)

The poor girl feels like there is no other option, and she must make the best of the choices offered to her, whether or not she feels called to it, whether she really knows the man well, or whether she has even discerned if she is called to married life at all. 

CATHOLICS! This is not God’s plan or call for married life! We have quite happily imposed culture onto our faith, and told young Catholics- this is your duty as a good and respectable Catholic. And then we wonder why there are so many unhappy marriages, marriages built on shaky foundations, broken and unhappy marriages and family lives. If you start a marriage without a firm foundation on truth and freedom, it MAY last, but most likely when the storms of temptation and crisis come (as they will), the edifice will collapse. 

So what is the truth? What is God’s call for young (and old) men and women discerning marriage? And how does that fit into the concept of arranged marriages? 

1. You don’t HAVE TO get married. Shocker, I know! That is the first lie that can rob your freedom. God has not mandated that everyone has to get married. Some are called to religious life. Some are called to be consecrated singles. Some may never be in a position to get married for various reasons. And it is possible that some are called to remain single… unless they find the right person. The lie is that you HAVE to, and that the worst and most shameful state anyone can find themselves in is OLD and UNMARRIED. Guess what? That is definitely not the worst fate one can suffer. How about married but cheated on? How about married and abused every day by your alcoholic spouse? How about married but abandoned emotionally or physically? We all know exactly how common these scenarios are. But when you think you HAVE to get married, you may choose an arranged marriage that may not have been God’s plan or will for your life. 

2. There is no specific age that God demands you are married by: We grow up with a number in our head that is our last possible age to get married. Families who are open to their children finding their own spouse start fretting as they cross 25. And then, oh horror, if they touch 30 without finding that elusive spouse! The pressure is ramped up! The emotional blackmail and the desperation go up, and the standards go down. Now, I understand that marrying in your 20s increases your likelihood of having children, which is such a beautiful and central part of what marriage is about. And yet, the biological clock ticking is still not a good enough reason to ‘settle’. Here is a reassuring fact- you can have biological children well into your 30s, and often in your 40s, not to mention the beautiful world of adoption! 

Rolling my eyes so hard I can see my brain

3. You must KNOW the person you are giving yourself to: Do you really think you can know a person based on a couple of meetings, the reports of others, and with a bio including a list of achievements, degrees, hobbies and random adjective like ‘religious, open minded, hardworking, humble’ etc? It’s true that you can’t FULLY know a person ever, and that there will always be surprises after you get married. Yet, you can know far more of a person’s character and priorities by taking time to do so, rather than trusting on what he or she or anyone else says about them. It’s a life changing decision with lifelong repercussions! As I read somewhere, you are choosing the person who will raise your children, you are choosing your travelling companion, the person with whom you will spend most of your leisure time, the one who will most affect your happiness in this life. Isn’t getting to know this person worth taking time over? 

4. Your parents can’t choose for you: Honour your father and mother does not mean that God has delegated to them the responsibility of choosing your spouse. In fact the Catechism of the Catholic Church says “When they become adults, children have the right and duty to choose their profession and state of life… Parents should be careful not to exert pressure on their children either in the choice of profession or in that of a spouse.’ CCC 2230. How many Indian Catholic parents know this? You are not disrespecting your parents or disobeying God if you assert your right to choose your own spouse when and how you feel led to. That of course doesn’t mean you should not listen respectfully and openly to the advice and wisdom of your parents. But listen, pray about it, talk to trusted Catholic mentors, and then make your own decision. You are the one who has to live with your spouse for the rest of your life. 

So how can we take these truths and apply them to arranged marriages? 

1. Pray about the right time for you to get married: Put God first, and seek His direction for your life. Don’t entertain proposals if it is not the right time for you. Maybe God has called you to focus on Him for a while, maybe you are in the middle of a demanding course of studies, maybe you need to grow in maturity, discipline, work on your mental health, or taking responsibility for your life. Share your thoughts with your parents. Set boundaries if they are being pushy or emotionally manipulative. 

2. View potential spouses through the lens of Christ: When you are ready to meet people, ask the Holy Spirit to guide you. Ask the important questions, and forget about ‘what people will say’. Look at character, priorities, goals and faith. Everything else is fluff. 

3. Take your time: Assert yourself and tell your family and your future spouse that you want to get to know him/ her well before making a decision. “But we don’t do that in my family!” Well, you can be the first! You can do this! Change has to start somewhere. Talk to this potential spouse and plan together ways to get to know each other. Meeting over coffee or in the church compound for brief conversations isn’t enough. Do group activities together, plan a service project together, spend time with each other’s families, go on retreats together, pray together, and talk to experienced married couples together. Revolutionary, you say? Why not start a revolution? Maybe you will be the one to help your younger siblings and cousins to have healthier courtships and marriages. 

4. Feel free to say no: You are a free human being! It doesn’t matter how much anyone else wants the match, or how old you are, or even if you just want to be settled. If you see any red flags, if you see manipulative behaviour, shaky morals, a propensity for alcohol abuse, an unwillingness to communicate, or prioritize faith, don’t rationalize those things away or ignore them. The point of spending time together is to be able to make an informed decision. Even if the wedding date is set, and the guests are invited, say NO! (That goes for love marriages too.) Your life and your future happiness are more important than a temporary dramatic and embarrassing situation. 

5. If you say yes, be ready to LOVE this person: Don’t get married as a business arrangement, as a way of gaining security, or even children. Search your motives. Catholic marriage means choosing to LOVE each other. True love is willing the good of the other. You can grow that love in so many ways- asking about the other persons’ needs and preferences (and not just what you or your parents expect or want), consulting them first before making decisions, finding out their love language and using it, sharing your deepest thoughts, feelings and desires with them, and asking about theirs, and rearranging your life so that they come ahead of parents, friends, career goals, spending habits, or old hobbies. (That doesn’t mean those things and people don’t have a place anymore, just a different place.) All Catholic marriages are called to be love marriages, whether they start as arranged or not. 

The ‘arranged’ way can be a great way to meet potential spouses. Arranged marriages can be good, holy and beautiful witnesses to the unconditional love of God, provided we are willing to re-examine our cultural norms, and align them with the truth and freedom of Christ. God wants all our marriages to be good ones. Whether we are parents hoping to see our children married, or men and women seeking spouses, let’s work with Him to make that happen.

Where's MY Person?

A couple of months ago I was going through one of those self-pity days, where it seems as if being single was the single most unfair fact of any person's existence (never mind terminal illnesses, deaths of loved ones, mental illness, or financial struggles).

I started complaining to the Lord, which is what I do, when I'm in a bad mood. "I have to do so much of travelling, up and down, dragging my heavy bags along, ALL ALONE. Couples are always looking out for each other. One can watch the bags while the other one goes to the loo. I have to drag all my bags into the stall with me."

"If someone is mean or annoying or upsetting or unfair, couples always have someone they can unload to, someone who is on their side no matter what."

"Couples always know there is someone who has their back. They know that no matter how their day goes, they go home to 'their person', who will sympathize and listen to them talk about the same stuff over and over again."

"And what about my future? I have to think about my future, make plans, and even dreams ALL ALONE. Couples get to do it together! They get to plan out their life as a team! What about ME? Where's MY person?"

I was practically in tears at this point, having convinced myself that wow, my life really did suck, and I was the most deprived and pitiable wretch that ever did live. I gazed into the future and it seemed bleak, a solitary figure plodding along, with no hope or joy or companionship.

And then came that still, small voice, that I rarely hear clearly because it's SO DARN LOUD inside my head. But I knew it was Him, because it was a voice of gentleness, tenderness and familiarity.

The Voice said: "Susanna, I'M your person."

That's all.

Clarity returned with a rush of rueful laughter.

Of course! WAS I alone all those times travelling? No, in fact, I sensed His presence even closer then, and every time I faced a travelling disaster, or even discomfort, He made his presence known. And anyway the real life couples that I knew didn't usually have those smooth travelling experiences that I imagined- they often had to travel by themselves, or juggling several young children and even more bags.

He always was there when I needed to unload (as I was doing at that very moment), and probably more so than any spouse could ever be. One of my friends told me her husband would often just fall asleep as she talked. Even the best husbands couldn't ALWAYS be constantly available.

He was ALWAYS on my side, even though He allegedly loved my 'enemies' as much as He loved me, I always knew I was His favourite. How many times had I run to Him furious, or anxious, or falling apart, or freaking out about something, and He held me, and calmed my fears, and put me back together?

My future was NOT alone and bleak- He had been walking with me so far, bringing different people, situations, and experiences into my life. I still hoped He would bring a husband, but even husbands can fail, or change, or leave, or die. He promised He never would. Not only did He walk with me, He sent me people who could laugh with me, and cry with me, and be my 'people' in a tangible ways when I needed them. I've never been part of a couple, but I have tasted and seen the goodness of human companionship. Why did I think that would change? It's so easy to buy into self-pity lies.

But now I choose to remember the truth, to write it, to fix it in my heart. The truth is that I already have my 'person'. And more than anyone else in this world, He's got my back.

Dr. Beth on the Chronic Singleness Disorder

Dr. Beth, 8 (pad and pen in hand): Can you tell me your name and the sickness that you have?

Me: My name is Humility and I suffer from chronic singleness. What can you do for me, Dr. Beth?

Dr. Beth: Well.. I need to ask you. When you watch shows about couples, do you feel sad for yourself, or good for the other person?

Me: I feel good for them, but I also feel bad for myself.

Dr. Beth: Hmm, okay well, I see... I think that's a little... what do you feel more?

Me: Depends on the time of the month.

Dr. Beth (looks confused): Huh?

Me: Never mind. Moving on. What can you do to help me with this problem of chronic singleness?

Dr. Beth: (places a finger on her lips thoughtfully) Well.. (succumbs to a fit of giggles)

Me: Keep going.

Dr. Beth: Okay. I have.. I have sent you, well, not sent you, I am going to put you into a volunteer school to teach kids.

Me: Okay... but what's this got to do with...

Dr. Beth: You'll be working with another teacher..

Me: Oh!

Dr. Beth stops and stares at me, smiling suspiciously.

Me: What's this got to do with my chronic singleness?

Dr. Beth: You'd have to be come friends with the teacher.

Me: Uh huh? Tell me more.

Dr. Beth: (Big smile) He's a male.

Me: Oh, is that a fact?

Dr. Beth: (nodding and smiling self-consciously) Yes.

Me: Is he a good Catholic?

Dr. Beth nods yes.

Me: Does he love the Lord?

Dr. Beth: He's a volunteer!

Me: Oh. Okay. Where do we go from here? Why is he still single? How come there's not a lot of girls already trying to marry him?

Dr. Beth: (shrugs) They don't really care.

Me: Is he not really nice?

Dr. Beth: He's nice! Some girls just don't see it in him. Coz they treat him badly. He's been encountering lots of girls which have been mean to him. But (big smile) I don't think you'll be mean.

Me: Uh.. nooo.

Dr. Beth: So that's why I'm putting friends with him.. with you. So.. well.. um.. yeah..

Me: I thought you had a different plan which involved lots of possible guys.

Dr. Beth: No. Well.. there's a website. And you just told me you wanted to pick someone from a whole guy.. line of guys..

Me: No! What? I didn't say that!

Dr. Beth: Then?

Me: I want to meet them, not just pick them from a website!

Dr. Beth: Ok. So um I'm going to order some guys.. not order but ask them to come here.

Me: How do you find them? I still don't understand that part.

Dr. Beth: It's a website, dear.

Me: How come? There's so many nice girls out there. How come they haven't met any of those nice girls?

Dr. Beth: (Shrugs) I dunno. How am I supposed to know other persons' personalities?

Me: Tell me about that whole personality thing. You were telling me something about personalities. Like, that's how you found them?

Dr. Beth: What?

Me: You said something like you checked my personality and then you checked their personality...?

Dr. Beth: Yes. (Picks up Mother Teresa peg doll) Mother Teresa here, she put everything on my... (pause) something that you put into the computer, and it helps.

Me: Like a USB?

Dr. Beth: Huh?

Me: Like a flashdrive?

Dr. Beth: Yeah, a flashdrive. So, uh, it stores everything, and then I have a website, everyone has their website, of um, Look For Me. The website is called Look For Me. (Big smile, pleased with herself.)

Me: Really? Lookformedotcom?

Dr. Beth: Yes! Have you looked at it?

Me: I have not looked at it as yet.

Dr. Beth: I'll download it for you. So Mother Teresa here has downloaded all your information, just by kissing you on the cheek.

Me: Wow. Impressive.

Dr. Beth: I know. She's very cool. Thank you. Yes. So, as I was saying, you will need to... (long pause)

Me: That's it?

Dr. Beth: You'll have to come to me tomorrow at 2.

Me: Thank you.

What To Do When Things Don't Go Your Way

Everyone assumes everyone else has got it together and they are the only ones suffering. But the more I live (not so subtle reference to my wisdom-laden thirty years), the more I find that we are not alone, that the human condition is really pretty similar.

The particular human situation I refer to is that of disappointment, or major setbacks in life, of dreams that come tumbling down, or life just not turning out the way you thought it was going to. Either this sounds like an overused homily to you, or you know exactly what I'm talking about, because you are going through it right now.

You did everything right, you worked hard, you got your degree, you applied for jobs, you even went for interviews. And yet here you are, unemployed, and waiting, waiting. This was not how life was supposed to turn out. This was not where you thought you would be at this stage of your life.

Or you were working on your dream project, the culmination of your hard work, brainstorming, focus, determination, blood, sweat and tears... It seems inspired by God, you followed His leading... and then CRASH! It all falls flat. It's sabotaged, destroyed. It's all gone down in flames and you can't understand why. Why?

Or you were in a relationship that seemed like IT, the one you were waiting for your whole life. Everything seemed right, all the signs seemed to point to this being The One. You looked ahead, and said "Yes. I think I'm ready to say forever." And then something changed. He didn't want the same thing. She wasn't the person you thought she was. Family interfered. And he accepted it. And now you're alone, all those dreams crashing and burning.

Or you found the person to marry, you went through all the things everyone does- you spent months planning a wedding, receiving the congratulations and well-meaning platitudes from all one hundred and sixty seven of your aunties and cousins and coworkers, you received the gifts, and moved into the new home, and you started this rosy life with so much anticipation... and now it's not what you thought it would be, because of the painful gut-wrenching experience of infertility. Or anxiety. Or depression. Or unfaithfulness. Or a spouse with deep unresolved anger issues.

Or you had it all,  the dream did come true, but then so did unexpected and crippling loss in the form of a miscarriage, or your spouse or a child dying.

Now what?

Where do you go from here? How can you go on when your chest is tight and your stomach hurts and you've forgotten what it feels like to be excited about the future?

Stop comparing. The burden of social expectation is too heavy to bear, and anyway God hasn't even asked you to carry it. Facebook makes it seem like everyone has the thing that you don't- the perfect job, the romantic spouse, the exotic getaways, the picture perfect children, the close, bonding family get-togethers. But you just don't know. Nobody has exactly the life they hoped they would have. So many have hidden sorrows. Each one has their own apportioned sorrows, and their own particular consolations. So you're not left behind. Everyone is at different places, but they have their own journey to make.

Accept that it's okay to feel hurt and confused: I read a beautiful reflection from Bishop Robert Barron about Saint Joseph- 'Joseph had become betrothed to Mary and this union had been blessed by God. And then he finds that his betrothed is pregnant. This must have been an emotional maelstrom for him. And at a deeper level, it is a spiritual crisis. What does God want him to do?' Saint JOSEPH was confused? He must have gone through an EMOTIONAL MAELSTROM??!! If saints can have deep pain and questioning, then we can too. It doesn't mean you need to get your act together. Sometimes it's okay to just feel pain... just allow God to hold you as you pummel his chest and cry your eyes out.

Reject unnecessary guilt, blame and over-analyzing: Pain doesn't mean you messed up.  Pain doesn't have to be someone's fault. Sometimes it is. And if it is, come before God with a contrite heart, beg His (and anyone else's) forgiveness, and move forward. Make the changes you need to get your life back in order. But a LOT of the time, disappointment, suffering, and pain just happen because we live in a broken world, and that's part of the human condition. No matter how much you try, you can't avoid pain. So stop blaming yourself. And stop blaming everyone else.

Okay this one is the hardest:

Don't believe that just because you can't see the big picture. there isn't one: Continuing the Joseph story: 'Then the angel appears to him in a dream and tells him, “Joseph, son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary your wife into your home.” He realizes at that moment that these puzzling events are part of a much greater plan of God’s. What appears to be a disaster from his perspective is meaningful from God’s perspective.' 

You heard that?

These puzzling events are part of a much greater plan of God’s.

Your particular puzzling and painful event is part of some greater plan of God's. What could it be? Like Tevye sang in Fiddler on the Roof, "Would it spoil some vast, eternal plan, if I were a wealthy man?" Would it spoil some vast eternal plan if I were to get what I want, for my life to play out the way I hoped it would?

Well, that's where you have to take the big leap of faith and say- I am not God. God is God. I don't get it. But I am weak, helpless, with a limited perspective. I've been wrong about many things before. So maybe it's possible I'm wrong in thinking THIS particular outcome was the perfect way my life should have gone. God draws beauty out of brokenness. Sometimes we get glimpses of it- "Oh, THAT'S why You allowed that. How perfect." But sometimes we have to wait a long time to see it.

Choose to hope: Not about the thing that has been left behind, but about the future. Bishop Robert Barron again: "Jesus wants to cast a consuming fire on the earth. Not because he delights in seeing us suffer; rather, he wants to burn away all that is opposed to God’s desire for us. He has to clear the ground before something new can be built." God is doing something in you (if you are allowing Him into your suffering). He is burning away old attachments, dependence on particular outcomes. He is shaking up comfortable notions about the stability of this world, because He wants to give us more than just this world. He has something more, something new! I know, it's hard to believe sometimes.

But if you are a Christian, we DO believe in happy endings. Just not necessarily in the exact way we thought it would be. Bishop Barron: "Christians are basically and irrevocably an optimistic people, believers in the divine comedy—in good times and bad, in success and failure. I always think of Thomas Merton in this context, telling one of his novices to get rid of his long face—and meaning it as a positive command. Christians have no business moping around...the overwhelmingly good news is that we have been saved through the mighty power of God, and that's the reason why we are an essentially joyful people."

Allow yourself to be led: Bishop Barron: 'Joseph was willing to cooperate with the divine plan, though he in no way knew its contours or deepest purpose. Like Mary at the annunciation, he trusted and let himself be led.' Now what? Now seek Him. Spend time in silent prayer, in an Adoration chapel. Lay it all before Him, and ask HIM the question: "Now what?" He will not only quiet your heart, and the loud voices shouting that this is a disaster, that this suffering is too much, that you can't handle it. But He will also guide. He promised to. Should you make a change, start something new, take a new direction? Should you get help? It may not be a voice from heaven, or dreams and visions like for Saint Joseph. It may even be just circumstances changing, doors closing, other ones opening. But He will show you. Let go of the resentment, the resistance, and go with the flow.

Build your life on the truth that God alone suffices: 'Let nothing disturb you, Let nothing frighten you, All things are passing away: God never changes. Patience obtains all things Whoever has God lacks nothing; God alone suffices.'  -St. Teresa of Avila. Can it be true? That as good and beautiful as the many joys of this world are- successful projects, the intimacy of a happy marriage, the satisfaction of raising a family, of seeing the fruit of your hard work, a steady paycheck and a fulfilling job... all those things are passing away. And nothing will remain but love, and the God of Love. So don't hold on too tightly to the things that pass. One thing remains. And if He is all that we have for the rest of our earthly lives, He is more than enough.

I'm praying for all those of you who are going through a hard time this month. 

The Strange Effect Weddings Have on Me

Since last July I have been in the Age of Weddings. One of my closest friends married my cousin, another friend married another cousin, and then another cousin got hitched, and an uncle and now a brother... You get the idea. I used to think weddings were super fascinating, with all their details- bridesmaids' dresses and choice of hymns, first dance, colour schemes, bridal entourage photo shoots, etc. Partly coloured by watching too many Hollywood rom-coms at a young age, no doubt (Runaway Bride, 27 Dresses, The Wedding Planner... for all the broken marriages, looks like Hollywood is still pretty obsessed with weddings).

And then I went from a vague idea of what weddings are like to reality- which apparently involves a LOT of organization... excel sheets, to do lists, schedules, meetings, choices, family discussions, hard work, creativity, meltdowns, compromises, communication, Whatsapp groups, practices, family time, and so on. Not all sweet dancing to romantic music as you can see.

Still, I mostly thought that weddings were fun... until I got to the actual wedding. And then I began to notice a pattern. This is what I saw:

At weddings, I turn into a raging melancholic introvert (and avoid everyone).

Even my closest friends. I just get overwhelmed by all the people and social situations and expectations and loud music and my introspection volume turns up to loud and I'm thinking about my last romantic disappointment and feeling sad and dissatisfied and plus I want to dance but no one asked me, and I'm hungry but the starters missed me again, and life is nothing but disappointment and pain.

 Speculating on my future

I develop a painful guilt complex.

I don't just sit in a corner and avoid everyone. I sit in a corner and feel horribly guilty, because look, there are so many great people that I know who I should be spending time with, and so many opportunities to network, to connect but I JUST CAN'T DO IT. Or maybe I'll talk to a couple people, be very distracted, and then go hide again. Most unsatisfying social interactions ever.

But I also turn pretty and get compliments/insults.

 So as most people who know me IRL know, I don't often dress up. So at weddings when I put on a little make up, wear a pretty dress and get my hair done, people are ASTOUNDED and AMAZED. Almost too much, if you ask me... I'm hearing, 'I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU COULD ACTUALLY LOOK HALFWAY ATTRACTIVE OCCASIONALLY, SUE!' In fact, one auntie told me, "If you dressed like this more often, maybe yours would be the next wedding!" I'm sure it was well-meant, but aargh. And my eight year old niece's first words to me were "You don't look like Sue!" (And this after I put on the lightest level of makeup) A very small part of me remembered Meg from Little Women being dressed up for a party- 'They've turned you into a doll", but I reject the implication, and mostly just enjoy the feeling of being the pretty girl.

Wedding hair. I shed pins throughout the evening.

Post wedding I turn into an emotional drama queen

This is the effect of tiredness plus melancholy. I come back home from weddings wanting to obsess about everything with my sister, and then we talk too late, and I wake up after too few hours of sleep feeling sucked dry, and emotional. And then I'm mad at everyone, can prove logically that everything in my life is horrible, and burst into tears, and sob for really no good reason except that I'm single and tired. And life sucks. I basically turn into my eight year old niece when she's tired.

Thankfully, life returns to normal pretty soon after. The transition point is the BIG FAT NAP I take after the wedding, and the quiet personal prayer time. Nothing like prayer and sleep to get life back in perspective. (This time I broke my own introvert record by sleeping for the first hour and a half of the family party we organized the day after the wedding. I'm sure no one noticed.)

So weddings... not all they're cracked up to be. However, I will say that the food, the jiving and the flash mobs make weddings mostly worth it. Oh, and the sacrament.