How To Be Holy and Happy During the Coronavirus Quarantine

BREAKING NEWS: India has just been put on lock down for the next three weeks, so this post is even more relevant. PS Please ration your supplies!

It's easy to write a post about what NOT to do because all I have to do is take notes from my own life and everybody else I know. But what we really need is a not-too-complicated list of what we CAN and SHOULD do. So here goes:

1. Make a daily schedule! Structure structure structure! Anyone who works from home can tell you the best way to sabotage yourself is to have great ambitions and refuse to put them into a schedule. Spontaneity is all very well for a while, but most of us humans need some kind of rhythm to our life in order to be productive and peaceful. Some of my friends have done this (especially those with kids). It doesn't have to be a tight schedule with every minute accounted for, but it should exist.

2. Get offline for at least a few hours every day! The Online World of Coronavirus News is a disease in itself. There's too much information! It's everywhere! There are gossip, jokes, news, opinions, medical advice, explanations, home remedies, warnings, predictions, but they can leave us sucked dry, motionless, anxious, panicky, or just distracted. You will find you mind relaxing, and your heartbeat returning to normal as you cook while listening to instrumental music, or clean your house, or draw a picture, or play an instrument, or go for a walk (for those who are still able to).

3. Pick two or three online pastimes, but stop there: Apart from Coronavirus news, there's also SO MANY productive options to spend time online - online retreats, online Masses and rosaries and reflections, free audio books, free operas, free concerts, online museums. We're spoiled for choice. We could learn new languages, watch movies, documentaries, learn crafts, research topics we're interested in... but if you're anything like me, perhaps the fact that there are so many options is paralyzing, and it's easier to just keep scrolling through social media feeds and thinking about how many great options there are and perhaps I should do that one.. and that one.. or perhaps that one? Just pick two or three, add them to your schedule, and stop there.

4. Take prayer breaks: Start your day with prayer and coffee, end your day with prayer, but don't forget to take little pauses during the day to pray too. Some people say a Hail Mary every time they wash their hands. I've been trying to do an Examen at least once a day. Say little prayers like "I love you, Lord." "I offer this moment to you." "Jesus, I trust in you." Participate in an online Mass if that helps you. Say a Rosary. My husband reminds me to pray the Angelus when the church bells ring. Pray a Divine Mercy chaplet for people dying alone. It's surprising how these little prayer habits make room for peace in your heart, home and day.

5. Take time alone and together: If you're living with other people, add some alone, quiet time to your schedule. If you tend to do things by yourself most of the time, add some people time to your schedule. Eat meals together and watch a movie. Play board games. Do jigsaw puzzles. If you're living alone, set up a video call to a friend at least once a day. This is a good time to reconnect, to love each other by 'wasting time together'. Don't let the desire to be productive or the temptation to anxiety and panic rob you of family time or people time.

6. Talk about things other than the pandemic: It's already on everyone's minds. But there is more to life than that, and our minds need a break from it. So intentionally choose to talk and think about other things as well - hopes, dreams, plans, memories, ideas, jokes.

7. Rediscover the Bible: Rather than focussing on what we have been deprived of (the sacraments, for a while). let's rediscover the gift and jewel most of us have lying in our homes. Eh. the bible, you say. Approach it in new ways! Start reading one book of the bible, underline verses that stand out and journal about them. (Look up a commentary to help you understand them.) Do a bible sharing with your family every day. Pick one bible verse every day to memorize and illustrate. Play bible trivia games:
- Everyone gets one chapter or book of the bible to read and study, and quiz questions will be asked at the end of the day.
- Everyone gets 5 minutes to study and memorize the names and order of the books in the bible, and then write them out without referring to the bible.
- Pick a bible verse at random and get the rest of the family to guess which book it comes from.
- Find the biblical passages certain famous hymns are based on.
- Choose a keyword like 'light', or 'bread', or 'mountain' and see how many bible verses each person or team can find in 10 minutes.
- Say a bible reference (book, chapter and verse) and the first person to find it wins the point
- Write your own song or tune based on a Psalm. Record it

8. Find ways to reach out to others: Just because you have been asked to distance yourself socially doesn't mean you have full permission to be as selfish and self-absorbed as possible. Ask God to show you how you can still reach out to others. Phone someone who might be lonely. Donate to those who have lost their livelihood because of the shutdowns. Make sure you are continuing to pay your maids, domestic workers, etc who are not allowed to go to work. Check in on your friends. Find little ways to bless your family members or housemates - join them in activities they would prefer, help them in their work, ask them how they are doing.

9. Take time for silence: You don't have to fill up every moment of the day. Take a few minutes here and there just to BE, to breathe, to surrender. It's hard, I know. But in the moments of silence, your soul will breathe.

Are you doing any of these things already? Any other suggestions?

The SAHM Series: Tips and Advice from Stay-At-Home-Mums (Part 3 of 3)

We heard the why and the how over the last two weeks. What’s next? Well, choosing to stay at home or work from home is a pretty big decision for most couples, and it shouldn’t be taken lightly. Not everyone is in a position to make that choice. There may be some families who are managing to balance work, home and family time well, with both parents working outside the home. But for those who are feeling a tug towards SAHM life, but are not sure how to make the decision, here is some advice from those who are already doing it.

Anna* (mother of a 6yo and 1yo) encourages moms to try being a SAHM for the first five years of their children’s lives. 

- “Financial commitments keep most moms working. But I’d suggest that if you can manage to make ends meet on your husband's salary, please give up your job and cherish these years when your kids are growing. They need you in the first five years of their life, perhaps more than in their teens. We as moms can always get back to working after a gap as many companies are realising the fact that children need their mothers.

 - “Also, once they are a bit grown up, start off with a part time job as it's always good to be there for your child. Work from home is a good option but getting a part-time job is better as it gives you the freedom when you move out and also help you socialize and keep in touch with the world.”

After being primarily at home for the past five years, Anna is exploring the option of giving French tuitions this year. Anna’s passion is Finance and she would love to get back to that as long as she has work hours that allow her to get home at the same time as her kids return from school.

Among other tips, Jeanne* (mother of a 2yo & 9mo) encourages SAHMs to seek the active support of their husbands:

- "Pray about it if you're undecided."

- "Don't lose your close girl friends (even the single ones)."

- "Find time each week to do things that make you feel fulfilled."

- "Ask your husband to consciously appreciate you and the work you are doing."

Kiersten (mother of a 5mo) reminds SAHMs that life will not always go according to plan, and they need to prioritize self-care:

- “Know that being a SAHM is challenging and incredibly rewarding, sometimes in unexpected ways. Mommy bloggers and Pinterest boards sometimes make it seem like it’s easy and that all you need is a routine and ‘These Top 5 Tips’. But children, and infants especially, don’t always operate according to plan.”

For Kiersten, there were days when she couldn’t shower because she was just too tired. In the early days especially, when her child took a nap, she often had to choose between feeding herself, showering, and napping. But she reminds SAHMs that self-care is important too.

- “Listen to your body and do what it needs. Drink lots of water.”

- “It is easy to put your own needs on the backburner when you’re caring for someone else. But you have to remember to take care of yourself, too. Otherwise you will burn out.”

 - “Remember that you are a person in your own right. Being a wife and/or mother is only part of your identity, and all parts of you deserve to be cared for.”

- “You have to know yourself. I’m an introvert, so staying home all day doesn’t bother me on most days. If you’re an extreme extrovert and thrive on interaction with other people, being a stay at home mom may not be the best choice for you. Or, maybe you’ll be more motivated than I am to get out and about with kid/s in tow and it will be awesome! Either way, that’s okay.”

- “Only you and your partner can decide what’s best for your family. Other people will have opinions, but that doesn’t mean you have to make your decisions based on what they think you should do. Be honest with yourself and your partner about what you want and work together to achieve that.” 

Kiersten wants women to remember that whatever they choose to do, there will be both good days and less than good days. Society places a lot of pressure on moms to always do the “right thing.” But most people may feel like they don’t know what they’re doing most of the time.

 -“Trust your intuition. It’s amazing how much your gut and heart know, things that your brain hasn’t figured out yet. Most of all, give yourself grace. Being a mom is hard, but so incredibly worth it.”

Adele advises a deeper rooting of one’s identity in the unchanging reality of God’s love: 

- “Count the cost - the emotional cost, not just the financial cost.”

 - “Be sure of who you are in Christ before making any huge life changes like getting pregnant/starting/ending a job/relocation, etc. The world is very, very quick to pull you down when you don't earn money /not contributing to the GDP. Once you know you're worth in Christ, you can stand firm in Him and be peaceful, safe and happy wherever He asks you to go.”

Venora (mother of a 6yo, 4yo and 10mo) was hesitant to give over-specific advice to young moms. “It's difficult to give advice to give since not everyone's circumstances are the same. But I'd say this-”

- “Don't let your fears stop you from fulfilling what God has placed on your heart. If He needs you to be an instrument as a stay at home parent, he will enable you, provide for you and the reward is far too great to comprehend. It also does not mean you will never go back to work later or that you will not use all your talents for the glory of God.”

- “Go forth in trust. I have found that God delights in those who obey His will.”

*Names changed

Recommended Reading 

The SAHM Series: Why do Stay-At-Home-Mums Stay at Home? (Part 1 of 3)

The SAHM Series: Are Stay-at-Home-Mums Happy? (Part 2 of 3)

One Beautiful Dream: The Rollicking Tale of Family Chaos, Personal Passions, and Saying Yes to Them Both by Jennifer Fulwiler

21 Tips for Survival Mode

Can Ambitious Women Be Happy at Home? (Comment thread)

The Anonymous Stay-at-Home Mom

Don't Carpe Diem

To The Mother with Only One Child

“Have You Ever Felt Like Being a Mother Has Ruined You?”

I Took a Month Off from Being a SAHM. Here’s What I Learned.

The SAHM Series: Are Stay-at-Home-Mums Happy? (Part 2 of 3)

Last week we heard from five women who chose to become stay-at-home-mums (or work-from-home-mums) because they believed it was the best decision for their families. They faced misunderstanding and criticism, but that didn't stop them.

But we've all heard plenty of stories about the struggles and challenges of full-time motherhood. Isn't it boring, tedious, frustrating, mind-numbing? How could anyone be happy when they have the option of living like a grown-up outside the home, relating to other adults, instead of cleaning up after toddlers for the hundredth time? Do they regret the decision made in a more idealistic frame of mind? How do they survive the hard days?

Let's hear from the mamas.

Anna*, mother of two (6yo and 1yo), says 'bored' is the wrong word, when there is always one more thing to accomplish to make a house a home. But she acknowledges that not all days are not happy or easy.

"There are plenty of frustrations I have to deal with: my younger one can cry her lungs out till she gets her way, my older one has never been so stubborn, he just doesn't want to do anything on his own, so I'm trying to feed, bathe, and do many more things for both of them."

"However, thanks to the support of my family I have survived quite well. Many hard days are wiped away with a smile, hug and kiss from my kids. All the painful days are just a blur and the happy memories are the ones that I believe will stay with me for a lifetime. I am so happy I took the decision to be a full time mom. I never had the joy of seeing my older son grow up. I only got to see the photos and videos. But now with my younger one I get to see each day as she discovers new things, tastes new food, does her first of everything. This joy is unimaginable."

Kiersten (mother of a 5mo) shares that her expectations of productivity had to change once she became a SAHM.

“I have to remember it’s okay if I don’t get everything (or anything) marked off my to-do list. I don’t like to be idle or feel unproductive so I make a list of things I can do during the day to keep the house running. But taking care of a child is a full-time job already. Some days she requires more attention than others, which means I don’t always accomplish everything I set out to do."

Another struggle for SAHMs is that it can get a bit lonely sometimes. Kiersten experiences this but is trying find ways to meet that need. "I try to make sure to call my friends and family when getting out of the house isn’t possible."

She realizes that it's easier on both her and her baby when she just stays at home most days. "My daughter is starting to establish a nap/feeding schedule, and when it gets disrupted by errands, the rest of the day is difficult. So, I honestly don’t go out often during the day because it’s just easier to meet her needs at home (and take a nap myself, if I’m lucky!) I’m never bored, though. There is always something to do, and I find so much joy in teaching my daughter about the world and watching her learn and explore.”

Adele, mother of two (6yo and 8yo), shares, "On good days, I'm very happy with my decision. On bad days, I sometimes allow myself the momentary illusion that everyone would be happier if I was out of the house and out of their hair and we had more money to go to nicer holidays. But then I immediately remember that that's not true at all. Break over, back to mommying."

For Venora, mother of three (6yo, 4yo and 10mo) too, there are mostly ups, and occasional downs and moments of doubt. "I am happy on most days. Yes, there are days when I see my former colleagues in VP roles and settled abroad or at fancy holiday destinations and I wonder - 'what if it had been me'. But the next moment I look at all the small hands and feet around me, the fun they're having, their angel-like innocence and happy faces and then, I don't regret anything!"

But the struggles are real. "The struggles are plenty especially on sick days. My husband and I live alone with the kids. So when he leaves for work in the morning, it's all me."

How does she survive?

"Crying to Jesus! Prayer, worship, praying in tongues, more prayer. My kids have seen me break down and cry out in the spirit.. They have seen me at my most vulnerable and they know they should do the same - turn to Jesus. Now I couldn't guarantee that they'd have learnt this if I was someplace working dawn to dusk just to earn a fat salary and not be physically around them to show them how life must be lived for real."

Venora feels that her full-time presence with her two older sons until the age of 5 has made them great examples for their new baby sister. They are happy to entertain her if Venora is not around for a couple of hours. She also feels having several children has made SAHM life more fruitful, beautiful and even fun.

"My friends fear that having more kids means dividing your time but that's not true. You don't take away individual time from each one, you multiply love! Because look at the amount of love each one is receiving now! There's more to love, help around and yes how can I forget - the advice! The kids love to give advice and it's all mostly great!"

Jeanne* (mother of a 2yo and 9mo) is happy with her decisions because she feels that she knows her kids best. "I try to raise them as best I can. No one other than me (or my husband) is going to be this invested in them. And I love watching them grow, experience the world, and delight in little things. I used to get bored and frustrated when I didn't have time for myself. My husband and I instituted 'me time' once a week (or so) where I do the creative things I love to do and which make me feel fulfilled, or make an effort and go out and meet a friend for coffee or dinner (which feels great but happens a lot less often because it takes mental energy to make plans and decide to dress up and go out). Also, being a part of my Christian community draws on other talents and fulfils other needs."

One of the big unacknowledged struggles of SAHMs is that the work they do is not considered as valuable by society as other work because it is unpaid. Subconsciously, most people need to attach a monetary value to anything to believe that it is worth it. The more one is paid, the more important one is deemed in the eyes of society. Where does that leave 24 hour working moms who don't get paid, and in fact, need their spouses to be the earning member of the family? Or the work-from-home mums who take a significant pay cut in order to be at home?

SAHMs and their spouses need to develop a thick skin and a willingness to be counter-cultural.

Jeanne says, "I struggle with feeling valued when most people I know consider working mothers the norm, and don't think about why you may not want to return to work six months or a year after having a baby. But my Christian community and my family keep me grounded."

There is no doubt that being a SAHM is in many ways a sacrifice. But it is a sacrifice freely chosen and made sweet by the knowledge that it is bearing fruit in the life of the family. Like Mother Teresa, these moms could say, 'I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.'

*Names changed.

Related Reading

The SAHM Series: Why do Stay-At-Home-Mums Stay at Home? (Part 1 of 3)

The SAHM Series: Tips and Advice from Stay-At-Home-Mums (Part 3 of 3)

All posts tagged 'Family'

The SAHM Series: Why do Stay-At-Home-Mums Stay at Home? (Part 1 of 3)

A generation or two ago in India, most mothers were stay-at-home-mothers (aka SAHMs). It was the exception for women to work in an office or workplace after being married. In fact, even today, many Indian women don’t have the option of work outside the home, and are expected to cut short their studies or not have any career goals or dreams because the only permissible role of a woman is that of a wife and mother.

But in many cities nowadays, the reverse is true. It is no longer socially acceptable in many circles for an educated woman to leave her full-time job and be at home with her children. It is seen as backward and a waste of potential, especially since a double income brings with it a sense of financial security in an expensive world. With grandparents usually offering free childcare in India, it seems logical to have both spouses working full-time outside the home.

In many households, women are expected to be up early to handle all the household chores, cooking and cleaning, before leaving for work, and then to return home and continue the routine. ‘A woman’s work is never done’ is never truer in such homes. In other homes, especially in the upper middle class, families are able to afford a maid, and spouses are learning to share the remaining chores and parenting responsibilities.

In the current climate, there are still some women who have chosen to leave their jobs and work part-time from home or focus fully on their home and young children. I have interviewed five young women to hear more about their motivation and stories.

Jeanne* worked as an interior designer at an architecture firm for over five years. She and her husband hope to have several children, and they did in fact have two daughters (2yo and 9mo) within their first three years of marriage. Jeanne realized pretty soon that she didn’t want to be away from her children when they were very young, so together with her husband, she made the decision to leave her job.

Few people seemed to understand her decision. “The world isn't very appreciative of stay-at-home mothers. I get support from family, my Christian community and close friends. From everyone else, there is a lack of understanding. “She's small now, you'll go back to work when she's older of course.” “You're wasting your talents.” “Don't you get bored sitting at home?”

Anna*, mother of two (6yo and 1yo), worked as a Chartered Financial Analyst (CFA). After finishing her studies, her only dream was to work with the best finance companies in the world. She achieved her dream, and worked for eight years at a very demanding job with client calls starting late evening and going into the night. “I never thought that I would give it all up to care for my children. It took me some time to realize that I had my life figured out all wrong. It was the toughest decision I have ever taken. Some may assume I don't have motherly feelings, but after I had studied so hard, managed to get a good finance job and risen to a good position, it was really hard to let go.”

But Anna was not happy. She could see her son for only an hour on weekdays, her parents were getting burnt out, and she was conscious of the fact that he was her child, not theirs, to care for. Her son would sit outside the bathroom when she went to freshen up after returning from work. She had no time to take him down to play and no time to spend with her spouse. All these factors finally mattered much more than her professional achievements.

It was a personal decision that Anna and her husband made together, after careful considering their financial commitments. They felt that if they could sacrifice a few pleasures and manage to make ends meet, having more time for their home and kids made it worth it. Her decision was reinforced by her Christian faith and certain bible verses, as well as the encouragement of other mothers who shared their personal experiences of how their home was more organized and the kids were happier since they chose to be at home.

Everyone had an opinion about Anna’s decision. “Putting down my papers didn't come without its share of criticism. Right from my maid (she was afraid she would lose her job) to my managers, everyone had something to say. I got the most enticing offers. ‘Oh, why don't you take a two or three month break in service, or you can work from home for a few months?’ I didn't get these offers when I had to leave baby and join work full-time. I had people even asking me if I was mad to give up everything at this stage after achieving so much.”

Venora, now mother of three (6yo, 4yo and 10mo), quit her full time job as a learning and development professional while expecting her first baby. “My mother was a SAHM and I think that played a pivotal role in my wanting to be at home to see all my child's firsts.”

She continues to freelance professionally and take up part-time projects when possible, keeping the kids' schedule in mind. “I decided to take up training projects when my second son was about six months old. I remember taking him with me to Dubai for a two week training once. The Lord provided for a baby sitter there and gave me the courage to leave him with a lovely aunty every morning. But it broke my heart because I could hear him cry till I got to the main road every day. His teary eyes would greet me on my return. Those two weeks were traumatic on a personal front yet fulfilling professionally. My husband and his parents cared for my older son at home, and we would video chat every day. But I didn't want to go through that very often.”

Venora and her husband were able to make the decision for her to be a SAHM because they have also chosen to live very minimalist lives. “Whenever we needed extra cash, either one of us landed an extra project or there's been some opportunity or another. God provides.”

Initially as they prioritized family life, Venora and her husband had more critics than supporters, but by the time their third child came along, they had more admirers. They met people who told them they decided to have a second baby only because they had their third.

Adele, mother of two (6yo and 8yo), worked in the NGO sector. She left her full-time job even before she had kids, not because anyone asked or expected her to, but because she believed that was what God was calling her to do so. She chose not to return to full-time paid work in order to prioritise the spiritual and emotional needs of her family. “In my opinion, my family’s needs can't be met by delegating care-giving to a paid employee, however skilled or experienced they might be.”

Reactions varied from judgmental silence, to weird assumptions or questions, as well as the glorification of being a full time mother. Adele would just laugh them off and get on with living her life.

Kiersten (mother of a 5mo) is the only American I interviewed, and in many ways the situation seems very different for her. She received support and encouragement from her social circles to give up her freelance work as videographer/editor/public relations assistant after the birth of her baby. It made more sense financially for her to be at home as childcare in her part of the US is expensive. “My husband is my biggest champion and always lets me know that if I change my mind and want to go back to work, he is absolutely on board.”

*Names changed.

Related Reading

The SAHM Series: Are Stay-at-Home-Mums Happy? (Part 2 of 3)

The SAHM Series: Tips and Advice from Stay-At-Home-Mums (Part 3 of 3)

The Crisis of Masculinity and Femininity in Marriage

I was listening to a Catholic women’s podcast yesterday (no, not Abiding Together), and the podcast host and her two guests kept talking about the crisis of masculinity and femininity. They said that the modern world has told men and women that there is no difference between them, that they are not just equal, but the same, and this has resulted in widespread confusion and shaky marriages, increased likelihood of divorce, and a weaker family life.

I’m inclined to agree with them until there. I recently read a Humans of Bombay story about a woman who grew up in an extremely conservative family that married her off at a young age, but her husband supported her in completing her education and pursuing a career. All well and good. But it ended with this woman sharing that she now lives in a different city than her husband and young child (with their full support), in order to continue pursuing her career. Almost all the comments were congratulatory, because it seems that everyone thought this was WOMEN’S LIBERATION AND IF MEN CAN DO IT, WHY NOT WOMEN?!!

I have thoughts about this but before I express them, let me tell you how the Catholic women’s podcast progressed. According to one of the guest speakers, the solution for these blurred and confused gender identities and struggling marriages was for men and women to return to their ‘traditional gender roles’.

According to her, women WANT men who are earning more than them, more intelligent than them and stronger than them. She quoted a study that said couples who stuck to traditional gender roles and household tasks enjoyed a better sex life. (To be fair, the podcast host said SHE found it incredibly attractive when her husband folded laundry.) According to her, women turn to masochistic and abusive sex stories like Fifty Shades, because it’s a warped desire for strong men, in a world which has told men that their strength is not needed or appreciated. She kept harping back to ‘John Wayne’ type men. Ugh.

So here you see two extreme ideologies both of which seem unhealthy and unbalanced.

If people tell women that being a mom, or caring for a home, or being supportive of her husband diminishes her value and her worth, then she feels as if she has no choice but to be a ‘career woman’ who gets back to a 9 to 5 job a few months after giving birth, no matter what her desires are. (In India, she is also expected to cook and keep house WHILE holding down a full-time job outside the home.) The only path laid out for her is to ‘do it all’.

If people tell women that her ONLY role and worth in life comes from her husband and children, then she starts feeling trapped and undervalued, her many other gifts and talents are never developed or used, and she may never learn what she is capable of or what she has to offer the world. Jennifer Fulwiler had an awesome talk about it at SEEK, and the Abiding Together podcast often talks about the ‘feminine genius’ needing to be uncovered, a JPII reference.

What about men?

If people tell men that women don’t need them ('women need men like fish need bicycles!'), that they have no value or unique gifts to add to anything because WOMEN CAN DO IT ALL, that when they use their strength to serve or protect, they are being sexist or condescending, that they are superfluous, and the world would do much better without them, then they believe it and become physically or emotionally checked out fathers and husbands, or resentful and passive and afraid to ever take the initiative (because women don’t NEED men to take the initiative). The superwomen never let on that they too are vulnerable sometimes (perhaps because they have been hurt before?) and so the men sit back and make jokes about bossy wives, but secretly struggle with their value and identity. Everyone needs to be needed.

But if people tell men that a woman with an opinion or a salary is undermining their role, or that the right order of things is for men to be the decision-makers and women to blindly trust their judgment in all matters, that it is less manly to admit weakness, that strength and aggression are synonymous, that respect is owed them and expressed in unquestioning obedience, and that women are weak indecisive creatures who love nothing better than a man to figure out everything for them, then at best, they are losing out on a mutually satisfying equal partnership and carrying burdens alone that they could have shared, or at worst, they turn into tyrants in their own homes who lash out (physically or verbally) when challenged in any way.

So what is the happy balance, one that respects both the equality and the differences between men and women, that allows them to be unashamedly who they are? Should there be a difference in the roles of men and women, and if so, what should they be?

I think the key is to remember that men and women ARE different, but no one else can tell us exactly how that's going to play out in each individual marriage. One may prefer cooking to cleaning, one may be more skilled at tech support or fixing things than the other, one may like doing the accounts, while the other may prefer buying the groceries. Women tend to be more sensitive to people's needs and feelings, men tend to like to work with their hands. But not always. Women tend to be more empathetic, men tend to be more logical. But not always. You need to get to know that unique man or woman, and allow them to be who they are, use and develop their gifts, and affirm each other while doing so. You need to listen to the other person express their feelings and desires about your roles, and be willing to accommodate their needs.

But here's the catch that most people don't talk about, and it works for men AND women. The choices you make, and the way you live out your masculinity and femininity is not just for your own fulfillment, but should be at the service of each other and your family (in the context of marriage). So if young children need their mom especially in the early years, embrace that call. We have differences that can help and serve each other. Only a woman can bear a child in her body, and men can use their strength to serve and protect his wife and kids when they are the most vulnerable. That could mean being the primary earner, but it could also mean cooking and caring for the older kids when the wife is pregnant or breastfeeding.

'A mother who watches over her child with tenderness and compassion helps him or her to grow in confidence and to experience that the world is a good and welcoming place. This helps the child to grow in self-esteem and, in turn, to develop a capacity for intimacy and empathy. A father, for his part, helps the child to perceive the limits of life, to be open to the challenges of the wider world, and to see the need for hard work and strenuous effort. A father possessed of a clear and serene masculine identity who demonstrates affection and concern for his wife is just as necessary as a caring mother. There can be a certain flexibility of roles and responsibilities, depending on the concrete circumstances of each particular family. But the clear and well-defined presence of both figures, female and male, creates the environment best suited to the growth of the child.' Pope Francis

Prioritizing the needs of the family sometimes means that a woman may need to work outside the home while the man stays home with the kids. It means for both men and women that your career goals should never be more important than the needs of each other or your children. It may mean giving up a promotion so that you still have time to help your kids with their homework. It may mean giving up cool travel opportunities because your relationship with your spouse takes time too. It may mean travelling together with your family even though it will slow you down.

Using your strengths to serve each other as spouses should work both ways. It may mean one spouse taking a step back from their own goals and dreams at a particular stage in their life to support the other in pursuing theirs. It means men stepping up to be servant leaders and present fathers, because women need to know it's NOT all on them. It means women not trying to micro-manage everything and not acting like dads are 'babysitting' when they're look after their own kids.

It's not a competition, it's a collaboration. We don't have to be independent beings pursuing our own personal goals while happening to be married to each other. We need to allow ourselves to be dependent on each other, to be vulnerable with each other, to respond to each other's vulnerability, and to allow the other's gifts to enrich us.

When women affirm men in their natural gifts and strengths, men feel confident enough to step up and use those gifts and strengths. When men affirm women in THEIR strength and ability, then women feel seen and valued. Both feel a confidence in being the men and women God called them to be because they no longer have to fight their own spouse to be that man or woman.

This is a hard adjustment to make because we've all grown up influenced by the ways our own parents and families did things (for better or worse), our own assumptions, insecurities, and wounds, and by the messages social media is shouting at us constantly (for better or worse). Sometime we overcompensate, sometimes we feel threatened by new ideas or ways of doing things that feel unfamiliar and not socially acceptable.

'There are those who believe that many of today’s problems have arisen because of feminine emancipation. This argument, however, is not valid, “it is false, untrue, a form of male chauvinism”. The equal dignity of men and women makes us rejoice to see old forms of discrimination disappear, and within families there is a growing reciprocity.' Pope Francis

I think three things can help us rediscover how to be authentically 'masculine' or 'feminine' within marriages and relationships - a relationship with God, regular prayer and discernment about what needs to change, and how, and when. Good and regular communication and listening to each other's feelings and needs. And good community, with other healthy and happily married couples whom you respect and who are willing to share from their own experiences and mistakes.

Nuptial blessing during a Catholic Wedding Mass

O God, who by your mighty power
created all things out of nothing,
and, when you had set in place
the beginnings of the universe,
formed man and woman in your own image,
making the woman an inseparable helpmate to the man,
that they might be no longer two, but one flesh,
and taught that what you were pleased to make one
must never be divided;

O God, who consecrated the bond of Marriage
by so great a mystery
that in the wedding covenant you foreshadowed
the Sacrament of Christ and his Church;

O God, by whom woman is joined to man
and the companionship they had in the beginning
is endowed with the one blessing
not forfeited by original sin
nor washed away by the flood.

Look now with favor on these your servants,
joined together in Marriage,
who ask to be strengthened by your blessing.
Send down on them the grace of the Holy Spirit
and pour your love into their hearts,
that they may remain faithful in the Marriage covenant.

May the grace of love and peace
abide in your daughter [name],
and let her always follow the example of those holy women
whose praises are sung in the Scriptures.

May her husband entrust his heart to her,
so that, acknowledging her as his equal
and his joint heir to the life of grace,
he may show her due honor
and cherish her always
with the love that Christ has for his Church.

And now, Lord, we implore you:
may these your servants
hold fast to the faith and keep your commandments;
made one in the flesh,
may they be blameless in all they do;
and with the strength that comes from the Gospel,
may they bear true witness to Christ before all;
may they be blessed with children,
and prove themselves virtuous parents,
who live to see their children’s children.

And grant that,
reaching at last together the fullness of years
for which they hope,
they may come to the life of the blessed
in the Kingdom of Heaven.
Through Christ our Lord.

Amen.

Related Reading

I’m a Catholic Feminist – What Does That Even Mean?

Don't Be Afraid of Strong Women: A Reflection on Wonder Woman

Why I Can’t Stand Marriage Jokes

Pope John Paul II's Letter on the Dignity and Vocation of Women

Part 1 - Parents and Children - Ten Catholic Teachings Most Indian Catholics Get Wrong

Have you done the quiz yet? Don't read this until you've done the quiz!

How Much Do You Know About Catholic Teaching? (Click the link to do the quiz.)

A lot of you may be mad at me for this, but I was kind of tricky in my quiz, leaving some seeds of truths in the wrong answers, which obviously made it harder to get the correct one. Also the correct answers didn't always include the full truth. Really the question should have been 'Which option is the closest to the truth?' But if you read carefully and have a very good understanding of the nuances of Catholic teaching, you would have got a good score that you can be proud of.

And if you didn't, hopefully your curiosity was sparked, and you want to know how you could have possibly got that obviously correct answer wrong. So here goes! Enjoy!

1. What role does a parent play in the choice of one's career and spouse? 

1. A major role - It is the right and responsibility of the Catholic parent to direct and influence a child's choice of career and spouse according to what is best for them

CORRECT ANSWER: 2. A minor role - Catholic parents should be careful not to exert pressure on their children either in the choice of a profession or in that of a spouse.

3. A deciding role - Catholic parents should make the final decision about their child's career and spouse after listening to their child and taking it to prayer

4. An advisory role - Catholic parents should offer a selection of careers and options for spouses based on their child's personality and the needs of the family, and then allow them to choose one of the options

The tricky part was the words 'minor' being right and 'advisory' being wrong. Here's what the Catechism has to say about it.

CCC 2230 When they become adults, children have the right and duty to choose their profession and state of life. They should assume their new responsibilities within a trusting relationship with their parents, willingly asking and receiving their advice and counsel. Parents should be careful not to exert pressure on their children either in the choice of a profession or in that of a spouse. This necessary restraint does not prevent them - quite the contrary from giving their children judicious advice, particularly when they are planning to start a family.

I did use the word minor deliberately though, because it is MAJORLY the decision and choice of the individual themselves. Indian parents, God has NOT asked you to pick a spouse or a career for your child. You cannot give them a selection to choose from, or tell them they may NOT marry some particular individual, or threaten to cut them off if they do.

What you can and should do is give them judicious advice, and then pray that they make the right decision. Even better is to help and train them from the time they are young to seek the Lord, and to learn how to make wise and responsible decisions. Focus on building a trusting relationship so that they feel comfortable consulting you without feeling you will pressure them in one way or another. You cannot and should not try to control their lives.

And Catholic adults, it is your right and duty to choose your own profession and state of life and spouse. It is not somehow holier to leave it all in the hands of your parents.

2. What does a Catholic adult owe his/her parents? 

1. Nothing; an adult is responsible only for himself or herself
2. Obedience in all things and financial support as soon as and as long as they are earning as required by the commandment 'Honor your father and mother'
3. Honor and respect, unless the parents have neglected their duties as parents
CORRECT ANSWER 4. As much as they can, material and moral support in old age and in times of illness, loneliness, or distress

Another misconception in India propagated by many within the Church is that obedience to parents is the highest good, a holy and unbreakable commandment. That is not however what the Church says. What DOES it say? As CHILDREN living at home, we are expected to obey our parents in all things (except in matter of sin). But as adults, no longer under the legal custody of our parents, we do NOT have to obey them in all things. We are responsible for our own decisions, and though we should willingly seek their advice, we are not under any obligation to do what they demand or expect.

CCC 2217 As long as a child lives at home with his parents, the child should obey his parents in all that they ask of him when it is for his good or that of the family. But if a child is convinced in conscience that it would be morally wrong to obey a particular order, he must not do so.

 As they grow up, children should continue to respect their parents. They should anticipate their wishes, willingly seek their advice, and accept their just admonitions. Obedience toward parents ceases with the emancipation of the children; not so respect, which is always owed to them.

It is a little trickier when adults live with their parents as is often the case in India. My understanding though is that if you are contributing financially to the household and no longer dependent on your parents, you have the same right to make your own decisions. If things become difficult - like parents demanding obedience in unreasonable matters, it may be better to move out. And on the parents'part, if you have adult children living at home and NOT taking on their share of responsibilities at home, you may need to ask them to take on those responsibilities, or move out. The only WRONG solution is to continue treating them as if they were still children, instructing, nagging, and controlling.

Whether parents deserve it or not, we are still obligated to show them respect and honour. (That doesn't mean remaining within an abusive relationship.)

[I promise I'm going to write a Boundaries post about this topic.]

What about our financial obligations to our parents? I remember a young man in his twenties telling me that his salary went straight to his parents, and they gave him an allowance out of that. That does  not sound like a healthy parent-child relationship, but unfortunately it doesn't sound very surprising in India.

What does the Church say?

CCC 2218 The fourth commandment reminds grown children of their responsibilities toward their parents. As much as they can, they must give them material and moral support in old age and in times of illness, loneliness, or distress.

If your parents have their own source of income and are not in financial need, or are able to work, you are not obligated to support them financially. What about the money they spent on your education? Parents do not HAVE to fund your higher education. You can take loans, get scholarships, and pay your own way. Your parents could even be the ones to loan you the money. If they choose to freely save up and pay for your education, or a large part of it, then they should have done so without any expectations of return. You are free to repay them if you desire. But if they are comfortably off and you need to make financial decisions for your own spouse and children, your obligation is to your new family.

When they are older however, or struggling in any way, you ARE responsible for them, whether or not they contributed financially to your education.

There is a lot of wisdom the Church offers us about the relationships, rights and responsibilities within families. Sadly, we often take unhealthy cultural norms and act as if they are God's law. We see the ill-effects all around us, in interference and control, in resentment and rebellion, in neglect and manipulation, in irresponsible and entitled behavior. God's truth reaches into these broken places and offers us ways to set things right.

There's a lot more good stuff about the parent-child relationship in the Catechism. Go ahead and read about the fourth commandment if you're interested.

Part 2 - Coming Soon

Related Reading

A Catholic Perspective on Arranged Marriages

13 Ways Parents Can Help Their Kids Choose Christ 

Moving from Pleaser to Rebel to Lover

Ask Sue: How Should Catholics Choose Baby Names?

V asks, “Sue, I have a question for to-be parents. According to Scripture, what route/methodology should a Catholic couple take while choosing a name for their child? In the past, children have been named after saints whose feasts are celebrated on their birthdays, or based on suggestions by a priest or a nun, also by the direct promptings of the Holy Spirit (I much prefer the last one). 

I’d love to hear your thoughts on it. My ulterior motive: We still haven’t managed to settle on a name for baby no. 3."  

First of all, V, can I just say how excited I am that you are having baby no. 3? It’s unusual enough in India nowadays to have more than two, that it’s already a counter-cultural witness. So congratulations on welcoming a new little one into the world.

So, baby-naming is a big deal! There are so many different traditions and customs associated with baby names, from people whose kids' names all start with the same letter, or find ways to combine the mother and father’s names, to people whose cultural tradition demands that they name their kids after their grandparents (so the same names keep getting recycled every other generation), to people like my parents who just picked names they liked without any great hullabaloo (we all got to offer suggestions for our youngest brother, the fifth one, who narrowly missed being named Abraham because his five year old brother really liked that name – not that there’s anything wrong with the name Abraham!)

What does the Church say about it? Very little – “Parents, sponsors, and the pastor are to take care that a name foreign to Christian sensibility is not given.” (Canon Law no. 855)

“In Baptism, the Lord’s name sanctifies man, and the Christian receives his name in the Church. This can be the name of a saint, that is, of a disciple who has lived a life of exemplary fidelity to the Lord. The patron saint provides a model of charity; we are assured of his intercession. The ‘baptismal name’ can also express a Christian mystery or Christian virtue.” (Catechism of the Catholic Church no. 2156)

So what can we get from that? Well, apparently there are a LOT of articles about this from American Catholics, which is not surprising because many of them are parents of large families, and choosing baby names is probably something they have to do every year or two. Also, like I said, a name is a pretty big deal. Names have always had a big significance in the Bible, sometimes given directly by God, and almost always having a meaning.

So here are a few articles where far more research and background have been done:

What’s in a (Catholic) Name? {An Interview with Sancta Nomina}

From Ambrose to Zelie: For Catholic Babies, Old Is the New New (by my homegirl, Simcha Fisher, mother of 10 herself!)

Do Catholic Children Have to Be Given Saint Names?

The Catholic Answers Guide to Naming Your Baby

But maybe you did your research already, and you just want my take on the subject. If so, here goes! (Let it never be said Sue Zanna did not have an opinion on any topic)

1. You as the parents are FREE to choose a name! In other words, just because something is a custom in your family, or your mother has a strong opinion about the name of her first grandchild, or wants the priest to pick it, does not mean you have to agree. This is a very personal choice, given to YOU as responsibility by the Lord, since you are the ones to whom this child has been entrusted. Of course, if you feel convicted about it, you CAN follow a family tradition too. But don’t be coerced or pressured into it.

2. Ask the Holy Spirit to guide you: This is just a general rule for everything that is not black or white! Which is a lot of things for Catholics. God leaves a lot of important stuff to our prudent judgement – what books we read, who we marry, how we spend our leisure time, and what we name our children. One of my favourite stories is from Jennifer Fulwiler about how she just knew what her daughter’s name was: A Name for Baby Joy.

3. You don’t HAVE to choose a saint or biblical name: Here’s my theory, if all we picked were saints or biblical names, then there would never be new saint names! You are raising your child to be a saint too, and maybe the world needs a Saint Priya, a Saint Kylie, a Saint Brian and a Saint Rohan. 

4. At the same time, a saint’s name can be very meaningful: Not only are you picking a lifelong friend and intercessor for your child, you are hopefully also inspiring your child and others to learn more about that saint. Maybe you have a saint who has been very instrumental in your life and your walk with the Lord, or maybe for that particular pregnancy and child. What a cool testimony to share when people ask you why you chose that name. Same for biblical names. A nice compromise with point 3 is that you could pick a second name that is a saint or biblical figure, and a first name that is not YET a saint name.

5. Be creative: If you already know more than five people with that name in your social circle, consider picking a different one. Things can get pretty confusing with the number of Rebeccas, Sarahs, Ryans, and Savios (I know more than five of each). If you love a particular saint, but so does everyone else, look into variations of that name. For example, I love Mara as a version of Mary, Avila for Saint Teresa of Avila. Also, there are many new saints that have not yet become super popular in Indian circles yet, so seize your chance – how about Zelie, Faustina, Maximilian or Kolbe, Kateri, Pio, or André?

6. But not too creative: You don’t have to pick a name JUST because it’s unique, as if it’s a competition with everyone else. That’s how you come up with weird names that no one can pronounce or spell, or everyone laughs at.

7. Honour your culture: I’m not sure why everyone is jumping on the Irish name bandwagon when they are not Irish, but I think it could be very cool to name your child something from your own local language, but with a Christian connection or significance. For example, Priya, Asha, Vishwas, Mariyam, Yohan, etc. Or someone from your life or family that you respect and want to honor (As long as you love the name too.)

8. Use your common sense: As much as you love a particular saint or biblical figure, consider that your child has to live in the 21st century, and if his or her name CAN be mocked, it WILL be. So don’t make it easier for your child to become a target. Perhaps nix Zerubabbel, Jedediah and Athanasius. (Sometimes I like to read the genealogy of Jesus from Matthew 1 just to announce to people that I’m going to name my child Uzziah or Jehoshaphat, and watch their faces.) Avoid names that can easily have undesirable double meanings. Or are the names of pop stars or movie characters that you probably will not care about in ten years.

9. Think of nicknames and spellings: Some names just automatically get shortened, so make sure you’re okay with the nickname too. And pick a name that your poor child doesn’t have to struggle to get people to spell throughout his or her life. Or don’t pick a normal name with a weird spelling.

10. Avoid names ‘foreign to Christian sensibility’: That means names of Hindu gods, names specifically associated with other religions, names of people who stood for or did evil, oh, and this may seem obvious, but perhaps not any names connected with Satan, like Diablo. Which a Catholic friend of mine had on her baby name list, because she thought it sounded nice. True story. Do your homework. Look up the names you’re considering.

11. Don’t tell people what names are ridiculous and you would never choose: Because depend on it, that was the name THEY were going to pick for THEIR child because it was so beautiful and meaningful to them, and then things can get very awkward very fast.

12. Feel free to ignore all my rules: YOU get to pick the name of your baby. If you and your spouse love it, and feel God is leading you to it, don’t worry, I’ll still love little Savio Zerubabbel.

P.S I didn’t put any of the names I am considering for my children (you know, all eight of them that exist somewhere in the future or my imagination or both) in this blog post, just so no one can steal them! Apart from Zerubabbel, because I know you guys won't steal that anyway.

Related Reading

Small Family = Happy Family... Really? 

Why Have Kids?

How to Do Leadership Jesus-Style

In this Sunday’s Gospel, Jesus has some rather pointed things to say to Christian leaders. "Whoever wishes to be great among you will be your servant; whoever wishes to be first among you will be the slave of all. For the Son of Man did not come to be served but to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many." Mark 10:45

I think it’s easy growing up in India to think that an authoritarian style is what is expected of anyone who has to take on the mantle of leadership. (Authoritarian: favouring or enforcing strict obedience to authority at the expense of personal freedom.) People have been under such leaders, served their time, and by the time they reach that position, without examining whether it is effective or right, they start doing the same thing. 

I haven’t had to lead many people, but I have been in various positions of leadership of small groups of people over the years. I thought I was a pretty good leader, or at least doing okay until I received a couple of talks about leadership from my organization.

To my shock, I realized I was doing everything wrong, because I didn’t really know what was expected of me as a leader. In my mind, a leader makes sure everyone know what they’re supposed to be doing, keeps everything running smoothly, organizes schedules and structures, and if necessary corrects or reminds people if they are failing in their duties.

This is what I found after listening to those talks, and observing my own leaders, and making plenty of mistakes of my own:

1. A good Christian leader’s first responsibility is to his or her team members, even ahead of getting things done, being productive or successful. People before tasks. I am not running a machine or a business, but I have PEOPLE who have been entrusted to me. That means their needs and feelings and thoughts and problems are more important than even ‘the good of the community’. A community is made up of individual people. They are not just cogs in a wheel, or projects to be fixed so they fit better into a structure or a plan. 

2. It’s my job to KNOW and LOVE those people. Even if they are very different from me, I need to know what makes them tick, what blesses them, what they’re good at, what their love language is, what their struggles are, where they need healing and mercy. The point is not to make best use of them, but to make sure they know they are loved and known. You can’t love what you do not know. You can't use people as resources.

3. It’s my job to ‘waste time’ with these people. I love how my leaders are constantly kidding around with us, finding something to joke about. I’m sure they have enough things on their mind to keep it strictly to business, but they deliberately choose to set those things aside for a while.

4. It is my job to SERVE my team! That means not just letting them know what they need to be doing, but going out of my way to do little tasks to bless them:

• Cheerfully going the extra mile, or picking up the slack in menial tasks, washing dishes, sweeping floors, mopping up spills
• Being quick to jump up and serve everyone including children and the poor and people under me
• Being quick to respond to any request for help even if it’s inconvenient, not just serving when and how I prefer
• Getting up and going to the next room when someone says something from there and I can’t hear what they said
• Offering to make food, tea or whatever people need even if it’s not technically my job

5. I need to be their greatest encourager and cheerleader. I’ve failed miserably at this one. Not just on birthdays or special occasions, I need to make sure they know I believe in them, I value them, I think they’re pretty awesome, and that I’m blessed to be serving alongside them. There have been so many times that my leaders have just looked around the room and with sincerity (and sometimes with tears in their eyes) said “I am SO privileged to be serving with such sacrificial, holy men and women!” This also means when they come up with a new idea or try something new, I need to be the person saying, “I believe in you! You can do this!”, not primarily being a critic or a naysayer. Of course some words of guidance or prudence are often needed, but they should not be the only things I say.

6. I need to be very careful while exerting my authority: In the Gospel, Jesus said "You know that those who are recognized as rulers over the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones make their authority over them felt. But it shall not be so among you.” Mark 10: 42-42 Authority is important, but it is so easy to misuse. The primary relationship between a leader and anyone under them should be one of love and encouragement. Exerting authority or asking for obedience should only happen in important matters, it should not be the norm in the way they relate. It should never be used just to make a point, or in matters that are my personal opinion or not my decision to make. There are times though when I do need to exert that authority, but I should do so kindly and in a way that is easy to swallow. 

7. I am in charge of setting the tone: A leader needs to be joyful, holy and sacrificial because usually they are the ones setting the standard. If I’m not praying every day, it is quite likely my community members will not think it’s that big a deal if they don’t. If I walk around with a long face, being grumbly and downcast (been there, done that), that mood is sure to spread. But if I am cheerful, upbeat, if I jump into prayer and song regardless of others’ long faces, that spreads too! I also need to be willing to be vulnerable, admit my fault, and share my struggles, because people need to know that it’s okay to struggle as long as we keep returning to Jesus, the only perfect one.

8. I need to pray for them and remember God is in charge: It can be easy to feel like I am the primary shepherd of this person… but I am not! God is, and He is able to heal, restore, love, guide and shape this person far better than I am. I have no need to be anxious or irritated if they are not where I feel they should be, but regularly pray for them and entrust them to His care.

9. If I set high standards, I need to help them meet them, and be merciful if and when they fail. They need to know they can come to me and tell me they are struggling. They should know I am not inflexible or unsympathetic, but merciful like Jesus. 'For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who has similarly been tested in every way, yet without sin. So let us confidently approach the throne of grace to receive mercy and to find grace for timely help.' Heb 4:15-16

I have failed very often as a leader. But I am trying to do better. I am helped by seeing models of what I want to be, and of course by following Jesus, with His extremely counter-cultural leadership style. Actually this list is good for not only leaders of teams or ministries or communities, but for parents, teachers, priests and sisters, anyone who has people in their care. If we are good leaders, we are forming not just good disciples but also people who themselves will be good leaders one day.

Here’s a quick list to print if you want to do a regular check (check yo’self before you wreck yo’self):

Have I encouraged or praised the people in my care today?
Have I really listened to their thoughts and feelings or dismissed them?
Have I prayed for them today?
Have I ‘wasted time’ with them today – chatted, asked how their day is going, played a prank, made a joke?
Have I given in when possible, or insisted on my way when it was not necessary?
Have I encouraged them in their own ventures and interests and efforts even if those were not my idea?
Have I been a joyful presence?
Have I been gentle when giving correction?
Have I told them how blessed I am to be their leader/parent/teacher?
Have I found out their love languages and tried to use them?
Have I served them with my hands today?
Have I asked them questions about their likes, dislikes, thoughts, feelings and opinions?
Have I set aside my other tasks when I noticed they needed a listening ear?
Have I been humble and open about my own faults, struggles and weaknesses?
Have I asked their forgiveness when I have lost my temper, been over critical or distracted or impatient, or failed them in any other way?
Have I said and done things the way I would prefer to have them said and done to me?
Have I been sympathetic when they shared their struggles or failures?

Jesus-Type Leader Checklist (printable pdf)

Related Reading

The Strange Effect of Foot Washing

How To Love Well - Some Practical Tips

How to Know You're Failing At Humility

How To Love Well - Some Practical Tips

One thing that the world in general seems to agree about is that love is important. Love your kids, love your family, love your spouse, love your neighbour, love the poor, love your enemies, (okay, perhaps that one isn’t as popular). But what we often don’t seem to know is HOW to love, and how to help someone FEEL loved.

Christians have some wonderful words about love – ‘Love is willing the good of the other’. ‘Love is patient, love is kind…’ Good stuff.

But often people say they love others, but their love takes the form of protection, coddling, correction, advice, service, provision, etc. Most Indian parents may not say the words ‘I love you’ to their kids, but we can see through their sacrifice and acts of service that they do indeed love us. Our siblings tease us, and we know they love us. Teachers can be considered very strict and demanding and still their students know that they loved them because they pushed them to be better.

Yet there is something missing in many of these expressions of love. There is a higher way, a way even more needed, and far more revealing of the love of God. It is this - ‘To love someone is to show them their beauty, their worth and their importance.’ Jean Vanier*

Let me share with you about my friend’s mom, M. I met her a few years after being friends with her daughter. She’s American and came down to India for her daughter’s wedding. She and her family stayed with us. From the first moment she met me, she looked at me with approval and delight. She always had something kind to say to me and about me. Did she know that I was very far from perfect, that I had hurt her daughter with some of my weaknesses and sins? Probably. That didn’t stop her from choosing to see the goodness within me. And through her words, I felt myself becoming more of the woman that she saw.

I began to notice that she did it for everyone (apparently I wasn’t the only most awesome person she knew!) And everyone I knew blossomed under her loving, affirming gaze. She was very intentional about speaking those words of affirmation at every opportunity, saying them with sincerity and often writing little notes to people. I’ve met a few other people like that. They just look at me with love, acceptance and delight every time we meet.

Everyone needs someone like that in their lives. Maybe it’s too much to expect that everyone can be like that, but if we have a few people who believe in us, see the good and encourage us to be that person, we are richly blessed. I know I have several - my friends R and T in particular who I've lived and served with, and I know believe in me and see me as more than my weaknesses. But it’s easier to see when others (especially family) are NOT doing it for us.

To turn it around - What about me? Do I love like that? I thought about it – how often did I love unconditionally and help people feel important and loved? I feel like I and most people do the opposite. We meet new people, and then we wait and watch for them to prove to us whether they are worthy of being accepted and loved. Occasionally the other person says or does something we approve, and then we choose to let them bask in the sunshine of our approval. But often both new people look at each other with wariness, and no one makes that move of love, and the opportunity may pass, or suspicion may grow.

What about in our families? Too often we cannot stop looking at each other as projects, people we need to fix, or critique, or evaluate. And what we evaluate is whether this family member is making good decisions, reacting the right way, living up to our expectations, or relating to US in the way we want them to. If they mess up, we withdraw our love or affection.

But here’s how Christ loves- We love because HE loved us FIRST. 

And we are called to the same. Our love should not be dependent on others’ behaviour. Our love shouldn’t wait, or be rationed out in small doses. There is something good in the worst of us. Love draws forth that goodness. We are set free to become the men and women we were called to be when SOMEONE sees that man or woman within us.

The reverse is true too. When we label, criticize, or negatively evaluate people, we are often trapping them in that place because we are telling them that is all that they are. We say we’re being honest or blunt or real, but we are saying that from an incomplete perspective – because they are more than their negative behaviour or habits or quirks.

We are not the sum of our weaknesses and failures; we are the sum of the Father's love for us and our real capacity to become the image of his Son. Pope John Paul II

So how can we do this? How can we change the habits of years, the negative, critical gaze into one of delight? How can we show our children, spouses, friends, students, siblings and parents their beauty, their worth and their importance? 

1. Words of affirmation: Look for opportunities each day to say something completely unnecessary but very affirming (and sincere) to those who you live with and work with – It could be about their physical appearance, their efforts, their good qualities, or their normal duties. 'You look radiant today!' 'I love the new haircut!' 'That’s a very stylish combination!' 'You did such a great job with the cleaning – very thorough!'  'You always take such good care of the kids!' 'I notice you woke up early today – good job!' 'You are just so beautiful/handsome – I love to look at you!' Look for something!

2. Physical touch: Go give them an unexpected hug, a ruffle of the hair, a rub on the back.

3. Waste time with them: Listen well when they talk about something you may not find that fascinating. (It may mean putting down your book or phone for a few minutes.) Tickle them and rough house with them, or have an impromptu dance party. My mum would take an interest in football just because my brothers were watching, and it showed her interest in THEM.

4. Listen to and affirm their ideas and thoughts: 'That’s a very unique perspective – I love it!' 'That’s a wonderful plan, let me know if I can help. I’ll be praying for that.'

5. Affirm quirks: Quirks are not sins, but too often we make it a reason to mock people. Or we allow them to see we find their quirks annoying. Through the eyes of love, quirks are endearing signs of the uniqueness of each person. ‘It’s so cute how you always tap your leg before you start a prayer.’ ‘I love how you laugh, it’s so crazy and fun!’

Do NOT 

1. Use negative labels, even in your mind: We’re so used to slapping an adjective on people and then seeing them as nothing but that adjective. You’re careless, lazy, uptight, inconsiderate, indisciplined, greedy, rude, a chatterbox, awkward, annoying, reckless, selfish. (ESPECIALLY family members) Ask God for the grace to see them as more than that, to see them the way He sees them. If we see them differently, we will treat them differently… and that’s the key to helping them feel loved.

2. Constantly instruct, improve or criticize: That just reeks of ‘you are a project and I will fix you!’ Especially avoid negative comments about their body, abilities or state in life. Don't take every comment as an opportunity to give a lecture or advice, or air your grievances or complaints.

3. Only talk to them when you need something from them: When people feel like they are a means to an end, they cannot feel like an object of delight.

4. Compare them with anyone else: They are unique, and they don’t need to be you, or anyone else.

5. See them through the lens of the past: People change, allow them to do so!

When the people in our life feel that we are on their side, that we approve of them, that we think they are pretty darn awesome (even though we are aware of their weaknesses), then they are free to be who they are and become who they are called to be. They are free to KNOW the love of God and BELIEVE in the love that He has for them. They are set free from the lie that we have to do something to win God’s love or that He’s constantly disappointed in us. They are free to believe that His call to repentance is BECAUSE He loves them, and that He is with them against their sin. It is in the context of unconditional and accepting love that they are able to admit and work on their own weaknesses and sins.**

To paraphrase Jennifer Fulwiler in a recent post, they will be free to “go dream big dreams and do great things...but… with the confident, unwavering knowledge that (they) are loved and valued and cherished no matter how much (they) succeed or fail.”

 *This quote and graphic are from the Abiding Together podcast- give it a listen. 

**None of this means that we should not do loving confrontations and corrections when necessary. But even those will go very differently if they are done in the context of this kind of relationship.

Related Reading 

A Ten-Year-Old Teaches Her Auntie To Pray 

To Be Someone's Darling