How To Love Well - Some Practical Tips

One thing that the world in general seems to agree about is that love is important. Love your kids, love your family, love your spouse, love your neighbour, love the poor, love your enemies, (okay, perhaps that one isn’t as popular). But what we often don’t seem to know is HOW to love, and how to help someone FEEL loved.

Christians have some wonderful words about love – ‘Love is willing the good of the other’. ‘Love is patient, love is kind…’ Good stuff.

But often people say they love others, but their love takes the form of protection, coddling, correction, advice, service, provision, etc. Most Indian parents may not say the words ‘I love you’ to their kids, but we can see through their sacrifice and acts of service that they do indeed love us. Our siblings tease us, and we know they love us. Teachers can be considered very strict and demanding and still their students know that they loved them because they pushed them to be better.

Yet there is something missing in many of these expressions of love. There is a higher way, a way even more needed, and far more revealing of the love of God. It is this - ‘To love someone is to show them their beauty, their worth and their importance.’ Jean Vanier*

Let me share with you about my friend’s mom, M. I met her a few years after being friends with her daughter. She’s American and came down to India for her daughter’s wedding. She and her family stayed with us. From the first moment she met me, she looked at me with approval and delight. She always had something kind to say to me and about me. Did she know that I was very far from perfect, that I had hurt her daughter with some of my weaknesses and sins? Probably. That didn’t stop her from choosing to see the goodness within me. And through her words, I felt myself becoming more of the woman that she saw.

I began to notice that she did it for everyone (apparently I wasn’t the only most awesome person she knew!) And everyone I knew blossomed under her loving, affirming gaze. She was very intentional about speaking those words of affirmation at every opportunity, saying them with sincerity and often writing little notes to people. I’ve met a few other people like that. They just look at me with love, acceptance and delight every time we meet.

Everyone needs someone like that in their lives. Maybe it’s too much to expect that everyone can be like that, but if we have a few people who believe in us, see the good and encourage us to be that person, we are richly blessed. I know I have several - my friends R and T in particular who I've lived and served with, and I know believe in me and see me as more than my weaknesses. But it’s easier to see when others (especially family) are NOT doing it for us.

To turn it around - What about me? Do I love like that? I thought about it – how often did I love unconditionally and help people feel important and loved? I feel like I and most people do the opposite. We meet new people, and then we wait and watch for them to prove to us whether they are worthy of being accepted and loved. Occasionally the other person says or does something we approve, and then we choose to let them bask in the sunshine of our approval. But often both new people look at each other with wariness, and no one makes that move of love, and the opportunity may pass, or suspicion may grow.

What about in our families? Too often we cannot stop looking at each other as projects, people we need to fix, or critique, or evaluate. And what we evaluate is whether this family member is making good decisions, reacting the right way, living up to our expectations, or relating to US in the way we want them to. If they mess up, we withdraw our love or affection.

But here’s how Christ loves- We love because HE loved us FIRST. 

And we are called to the same. Our love should not be dependent on others’ behaviour. Our love shouldn’t wait, or be rationed out in small doses. There is something good in the worst of us. Love draws forth that goodness. We are set free to become the men and women we were called to be when SOMEONE sees that man or woman within us.

The reverse is true too. When we label, criticize, or negatively evaluate people, we are often trapping them in that place because we are telling them that is all that they are. We say we’re being honest or blunt or real, but we are saying that from an incomplete perspective – because they are more than their negative behaviour or habits or quirks.

We are not the sum of our weaknesses and failures; we are the sum of the Father's love for us and our real capacity to become the image of his Son. Pope John Paul II

So how can we do this? How can we change the habits of years, the negative, critical gaze into one of delight? How can we show our children, spouses, friends, students, siblings and parents their beauty, their worth and their importance? 

1. Words of affirmation: Look for opportunities each day to say something completely unnecessary but very affirming (and sincere) to those who you live with and work with – It could be about their physical appearance, their efforts, their good qualities, or their normal duties. 'You look radiant today!' 'I love the new haircut!' 'That’s a very stylish combination!' 'You did such a great job with the cleaning – very thorough!'  'You always take such good care of the kids!' 'I notice you woke up early today – good job!' 'You are just so beautiful/handsome – I love to look at you!' Look for something!

2. Physical touch: Go give them an unexpected hug, a ruffle of the hair, a rub on the back.

3. Waste time with them: Listen well when they talk about something you may not find that fascinating. (It may mean putting down your book or phone for a few minutes.) Tickle them and rough house with them, or have an impromptu dance party. My mum would take an interest in football just because my brothers were watching, and it showed her interest in THEM.

4. Listen to and affirm their ideas and thoughts: 'That’s a very unique perspective – I love it!' 'That’s a wonderful plan, let me know if I can help. I’ll be praying for that.'

5. Affirm quirks: Quirks are not sins, but too often we make it a reason to mock people. Or we allow them to see we find their quirks annoying. Through the eyes of love, quirks are endearing signs of the uniqueness of each person. ‘It’s so cute how you always tap your leg before you start a prayer.’ ‘I love how you laugh, it’s so crazy and fun!’

Do NOT 

1. Use negative labels, even in your mind: We’re so used to slapping an adjective on people and then seeing them as nothing but that adjective. You’re careless, lazy, uptight, inconsiderate, indisciplined, greedy, rude, a chatterbox, awkward, annoying, reckless, selfish. (ESPECIALLY family members) Ask God for the grace to see them as more than that, to see them the way He sees them. If we see them differently, we will treat them differently… and that’s the key to helping them feel loved.

2. Constantly instruct, improve or criticize: That just reeks of ‘you are a project and I will fix you!’ Especially avoid negative comments about their body, abilities or state in life. Don't take every comment as an opportunity to give a lecture or advice, or air your grievances or complaints.

3. Only talk to them when you need something from them: When people feel like they are a means to an end, they cannot feel like an object of delight.

4. Compare them with anyone else: They are unique, and they don’t need to be you, or anyone else.

5. See them through the lens of the past: People change, allow them to do so!

When the people in our life feel that we are on their side, that we approve of them, that we think they are pretty darn awesome (even though we are aware of their weaknesses), then they are free to be who they are and become who they are called to be. They are free to KNOW the love of God and BELIEVE in the love that He has for them. They are set free from the lie that we have to do something to win God’s love or that He’s constantly disappointed in us. They are free to believe that His call to repentance is BECAUSE He loves them, and that He is with them against their sin. It is in the context of unconditional and accepting love that they are able to admit and work on their own weaknesses and sins.**

To paraphrase Jennifer Fulwiler in a recent post, they will be free to “go dream big dreams and do great things...but… with the confident, unwavering knowledge that (they) are loved and valued and cherished no matter how much (they) succeed or fail.”

 *This quote and graphic are from the Abiding Together podcast- give it a listen. 

**None of this means that we should not do loving confrontations and corrections when necessary. But even those will go very differently if they are done in the context of this kind of relationship.

Related Reading 

A Ten-Year-Old Teaches Her Auntie To Pray 

To Be Someone's Darling