When Your Facebook Feed Explodes with Weddings

You know it's happening. I'm pretty sure every day of December that you looked at Facebook, you were hit by an explosion of gorgeous wedding pictures of classmates, cousins, friends of friends, YOUNGER SIBLINGS of friends, and everybody in between. There are two possible reasons for this occurence:

1. It's a Leap Year this year, and they tell me that's 'unlucky'. So everyone wanted to get married in 2015.

2. I am almost 30. In my world, that's it. That is the last possible age. 24 is too early, 31 is too late. So if you didn't manage to find a spouse yourself, your parents have probably been looking and hounding you until the magic age of 30 forced you to say yes.

Now there are a variety of ways single people deal with this:

1. You could declare that SINGLE PEOPLE ARE HAPPIER AND MORE INDEPENDENT AND SMARTER AND NOT AT ALL ENVIOUS.

2. You could just vicariously enjoy everybody else's photos and cute wedding videos, even if you weren't invited for the actual wedding. Likefest! 'Sue sees people wedding pics and doesn't feel bad or get mad because she wasn't invited. Sue realizes weddings are expensive and we're not that close anyway. Sue is reasonable. Be like Sue.'

 
3. You could start questioning your own life and self-worth and get sucked into a vortex of EVERYBODY ELSE HAS THEIR LIVES FIGURED OUT EXCEPT ME WHY DOES MY LIFE SUCK SO MUCH?!!?

4. You could be superior and look down on all those marriage-obsessed sheeple who are trying to find meaning in their lives by getting married and creating smaller versions of themselves probably because they haven't yet figured out there's more to life than marriage, babies and the domestic life.

5. You could fight the feeling of desperation rising up within, and think about settling for that guy who is still hung up on you because he's your best option. Or call your parents and finally agree to meet some possible guys that they have been trying to get you to meet for the past 5 years.

6. You could jump into something else which seems to give your life meaning and validity or at least probably makes you seem less like losers to all the people whom you assume think of you as losers. Take a trip abroad, go on a holiday somewhere, go to a nice restaurant.. anything!

I can't recommend most of these options. Here are my tips for dealing with Facebook Wedding Season.

1. Just BE HAPPY for these people. Just because I'm not married yet, doesn't mean I don't want people to find love, get married, and start families. The human race doesn't have to end because I'm single! Think about all those sweet babies they're going to bring into the world. When someone has a good, stable, happy marriage, that benefits us all! A happier, more stable world! Thank God we were not the generation who couldn't get married.

2. Pray that their marriages last and are truly happy! We know that it's becoming harder, and we pray pray pray that India doesn't go the way of the West where most children have been affected by divorce or unhealthy marriages.

3. Don't forget that you never know the whole story. Behind a seemingly happy Facebook wedding photo could be a number of different factors, including parental pressure, financial struggles, health issues, arranged-but-not-yet-love, years of heartbreak, loneliness or previous broken relationships, family problems, struggles with sin. Don't envy other people's lives because you never know the hidden struggles.

4. Close your Facebook and go do something else. It's kinda unhealthy to be constantly gazing at other people's lives. Not just their lives, but their PORTRAYAL of their lives. Finally you need to live your own life. Spend time with friends. Colour a picture. Visit a neighbour. Find ways to love. Learn a new skill. Talk to your parents. Pursue a dream.

5. Remember that before or after marriage YOU are still YOU. If you struggled with discipline before you got married, you'll struggle with discipline after you get married. If you think you're not good enough before marriage, you'll think you're not good enough after marriage. If you act like a jerk to people before marriage, you'll act like a jerk to people after marriage. Marriage doesn't stop you from having to deal with YOU 24/7. Marriage means someone else will have to live with your issues too. So maybe work on that.

6. Re-examine your life priorities and goals but not under the influence of what everyone else is doing, or of what anyone else expects you to do. Here's another tip: the only life goal really worth pursuing is one that will outlast your life- LOVE.

Wrestling with Christian Unity

The Church celebrates International Week of Prayer for Christian Unity this week. We had a pastor from the Church of North India give the homily, or rather 'break open the word' (which by the way isn't  supposed to happen- only the priest or deacon are allowed to give homilies during the Mass, according to Redemptionis Sacramentum- his reflection should have been after the Mass. But anyway.)

We also had a gathering with my prayer community to which we invited people from an Assemblies of God church, the pastor spoke there too, their music ministry played praise and worship music, and a YWAM team lead us in intercession for Christian unity.

So you can probably tell I'm kind of saturated in Christian unity thoughts. I feel like weeks like these raise so many questions in this INTJs mind. (As I'm sure they do in my counterparts in non-Catholic churches.)

Like, yes, unity and everyone getting along is all well and good, but how does it work?

Isn't there a reason our churches aren't one in the first place?

How can we be united without minimizing our differences or acting like they are unimportant? I keep hearing people say things like 'We worship one God so none of the other things really matter'. We believe they matter. These are not just differences in style or tradition or the way we do things. There's more.

Catholics feel like non-Catholic Christians are missing out on or have rejected the substance and truth and graces and unity present in the Catholic Church, especially in the sacraments instituted by Jesus, and in the love and special role of His Mother and the saints. Protestants think Catholics have added on to the doctrine of salvation, over focussing on works, and betraying the true God by praying to human beings. Catholics feel betrayed when their relatives leave the Catholic Church for an evangelical church. Protestants urge people to look for a bible-believing church (as opposed to the Catholic church which many feel is unbiblical).

These don't sound like easy differences to reconcile.

And yet.

We can't just dismiss it as impossible, and focus on something else. Jesus wants it! The disunity of the Church is a scandal! I realize this more fully when I try to explain to a non-Christian who wants to know more about Jesus in India how bad it is. "Why are there so many churches? They teach all different things. Which one should I go to?" I cannot in good conscience say it doesn't matter and they're all the same. But neither should I in charity dismiss or put down members of other churches.

I don't have perfect answers to all my questions. But I just watched a beautiful video that attempts to answer many of them. Audrey Assad and Matt Maher, the biggest Catholic musicians and songwriters attend and speak at OneThing2015, a huge young adult conference organized by IHOP (International House of Prayer) at the first ever Catholic Ecumenical track (which in itself is a huge breakthrough in ecumenical relationships.)

This is a QnA panel addressing some of those questions, as well as questions about the role of praise and worship, very interesting. I especially liked the choice of the Emmaus walk instead of the Prodigal Son as the way we think about ecumenism. And acknowledging the pain of our broken body, not acting like it doesn't exist.

Start at the 09:53 mark if you want to skip introductions, and at the 34:27 mark if you want to go straight to ecumenical questions.


It's actually really beautiful. God wants this!

This one is also interesting- Audrey Assad and Matt Maher sharing about their own stories and talking about growing in worship.

And this is Vatican II's Decree on Ecumenism that Matt and Audrey referred to.

Related:7QT:Catholic-Protestant Interactions and Thoughts  

When I Get Tired of Being Catholic

Sometimes (especially when I am sleep-deprived and am feeling swamped by negativity), I get so tired of the Catholic Church. Okay, that's not totally true. I get tired of the local branch of the Catholic Church- my parish, and everything involved with it.

What's bothering me?

Is it walking in at Midnight Mass to hear someone on the loudspeakers saying something to the effect that, "We are trying to reach the next level of religion, where we realize all religions are the same,"?(What? What? That's Pope John Paul II turning in his grave)

Or yet another poor homily that either is gimmicky and low in any kind of solid truth or relevance to anyone's lives, or just priests talking AT people rather than TO them, or basically some kind of self-help better-yourself speech which again has nothing to do with either God's truths or people's lives, let alone connecting the two, or one that assumes the worst about people, or ones that are theologically unsound, or the plague of India- just lacking in any kind of clarity (wait, what was that homily about? No idea!)?

Or is the horrible Mass music that is lacking in any kind of reverence, depth or beauty? Why yes, I have written about that before. Going to Mass is often more a challenge of patience and gritted teeth, than a beautiful encounter with the Divine. If you sing 'Put a little more of Jesus in your life' one more time, I will scream! Or offer it up, if I'm being less of a brat.

Or is it the painful experience with priests who are impatient, ill-mannered, negative, bossy or closed? With the attitude that people need to jump through hoops to get any help from the parish, need to bow and scrape and prove themselves worthy to be treated with basic courtesy? With the abuse of authority, the complete opposite of the biblical model of servant leadership? Or people involved with the parish who gossip, criticize, dismiss or seem haughty and reserved and suspicious? Who treat the poor and ignorant very differently from the way they treat the educated and well-connected?

Pope Francis is not impressed

Or is it the many programmes, speeches, meetings, rallies full of flowery nothing-sayings, formality and self-congratulatory back-patting, lots of rhetoric and once again a lack of clarity, of truth, and of relevance? Or the obstacles to doing anything differently? Or the hostility and suspicion towards lay associations that are not specifically parish-based even though they are forming and discipling lay Catholics in a way that is not happening at the parish level?

Or is it the focus being on more and more activities and programmes instead of discipleship? On appearances instead of substance? Is it the desperate need I see in people's lives for real truth and real love, and the feeling that the local parish is doing little to meet those needs?

Or is it the thousands of strangers at every Mass, most of whom I don't know, the lack of family atmosphere? Is it how well-dressed everyone is, so well-dressed it seems like it's a club for the rich where vernacular-speaking Indians would never be welcome? Is it the resistance and irritation from average parishioners with our vernacular speaking Bishop, and our push for a vernacular Mass (just ONE Mass, out of the SEVEN English masses we have every weekend)?

You might ask "Well, Sue, why on earth ARE you still Catholic in that case?"

Well, if I was an average Catholic in the pews and the parish was my only exposure to what it meant to be Catholic, I probably would have left a long time ago. But it wasn't.

Personal encounter: When I was a teenager, I had my own personal encounter with Christ. I grew up in the Charismatic renewal, and so was exposed to far more retreats and talks focussing on the basic truth of Christianity- that I was loved by a personal God who desired to be in relationship with me, and through whom my life made sense. I met a Person, not a system of beliefs.

Witness: I met Catholic Christians (and other Christians) who were unlike most people I met at the parish (or anywhere else). They KNEW this personal God, and you could see the difference in their lives. You could see a Light shining through their genuine love and kindness and holiness. They loved the Truth and the Truth made them free to love. They were unapologetic about their faith, and they gave a consistent witness that Someone was changing them and causing them to be Lovers in a world that is lacking in love.

Truth Explained: The witness of these people I met and the personal encounters I had had gave me enough reason to start digging a little deeper. I read 'Rome Sweet Home'. I began to explore the world of online Catholic blogs, articles and forums. I met all sorts there too, from the permanently on the attack Catholic apologists to the obsessed with the Liturgy traditionalists. But I found enough writers* whose reasoned explanations and personal experiences and awe at the beauty of the Church and humble down-to-earth approach convinced me that my experience in my parish did not reflect what it really meant to be Catholic. I began to read the Catechism which is the opposite of boring- just read the section on prayer. (Priests, get your homily material from here!)

The Eucharist: I became aware of what exactly was going on at Mass regardless of the poor music and homilies. I began to look forward to Mass as I realized Whom I was meeting in the Eucharist. I began to listen to the readings, and hear God speak to me. For the first time, I heard the Mass prayers, and realized how chock-full of beauty and wisdom they were. (Look at this beautiful blessing over the couple at a Catholic wedding.) No matter how distracted or grumpy or tired I was when I entered Mass, by the time I received Jesus into my messy heart, something changed.

Facing the Human Condition: Yes, I'm an idealist who feels very frustrated when I see that things are not where they should be. But as I grew and experienced different people and communities and situations, I realized that deep truth- 'Human beings are messed up.' Like Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn said "The line separating good and evil passes not through states, nor between classes, nor between political parties either, but right through every human heart." What makes me mad in our parishes is human sin, human weakness and human brokenness. But as I grew closer to the Lord I realized that the sin and weakness out there is also the sin and weakness in here. People in the parish are negative and closed and bossy? I often face the temptation to be negative and closed and bossy. In the worst people I knew, I would suddenly see moments of kindness. In the best people I knew, I would see blind spots.

And without excusing the horrible behaviour of some, I was able to have some compassion- who knows the background of each person? People are preaching lame, weak homilies? Maybe they have never themselves been exposed to truth. They misuse authority? They have probably been bossed around their whole lives by people misusing authority. They throw their weight around? Maybe they still struggle with insecurity.

Bottom line: We are desperate, wounded people in need of a Saviour.

 Seeing the Good:  Even with all the brokenness and imperfection and sin out there, there are so many jewels in the midst of the rubbish. I have met people in the parish who humbly and faithfully serve the Lord, people who are gentle and kind, people who are quick to forgive, quick to respond to a smile, quick to offer any kind of help, and go the extra mile. Many of the people who are not where I hope they would be are actually very open and wanting something more- sheep without a shepherd.

There are priests who ARE humble, who have humbly collaborated with lay people, been excited and zealous and encouraging when they see the good that God is doing even if it was not their project. There are priests I know I can call any time to hear my Confession. There are priests and church people who are quick to appreciate, to praise, to see the good, whom I have rarely heard speak a negative word. There ARE disciples- acting justly, loving mercy and walking humbly with their God... even if they do not receive any acknowledgement or praise for it.

Love People, Trust God: Finally I'm Catholic not because I have any faith in the church structures or even leaders. I'm here because I trust JESUS, and because I believe He called me to the Church, to be strengthened by the (priest-proof) sacraments, to be guided by unchanging truth (Jesus' teaching handed down over the past 2000 years), and to allow the Holy Spirit to work in ME to restore His Church so that one day it may reflect His Truth, Beauty and Goodness.

I dream of a day when I can go to Mass and hear solid, challenging, truth-filled homilies, where our pastors are visibly 'other Christs', in their humility, wisdom and love, treating parishioners as coworkers in the Kingdom, not inferiors, where the hymns radiate beauty and lift our hearts to heaven, where parishioners are DISCIPLES first, whose love for one another is visible,  who welcome the outsider with open arms, whose priority is service to the poor and mission.

We're not there yet.

In the meanwhile, I need to hold on to hope, let go of negativity, and in humility, allow the Spirit to help me to 'be the change I want to see'. I need to absorb and live St. Paul's words- 'Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.' I need to allow Jesus to make me a saint. Let us begin.

* I especially recommend Bishop Robert Barron's videos, Jennifer Fulwiler, Peter Kreeft's writing and audio, and G.K. Chesterton.

How (and Why) Not To Fall in Love

On my FB newsfeed (aka my reading list) appeared a New York Times article called 'To Fall in Love with Anyone, Do This'. It is about a study basically saying that you can make men and women fall in love by using a set method. In the study, 'a heterosexual man and woman enter the lab through separate doors. They sit face to face and answer a series of increasingly personal questions. Then they stare silently into each other’s eyes for four minutes.' And apparently that's enough to fall in love.

It sounded interesting, of course, to this INTJ who likes to analyze everything.

Of course it made sense that certain circumstances can increase the chance of being attracted to someone. As I've heard my mother repeat throughout my life, 'Propinquity!'

But I guess the real question is, what does it mean to be in love? And of what use is this study?

Being in love- intense attraction? No, it's more than just a passing infatuation. You can feel an intense attraction for someone without being in love. Perhaps it is attraction that passes the test of time? Attraction that is not just about the highs that you feel (cue all the 'love' songs that are really about 'the way you make ME feel'), a bonding that makes you want to slay dragons and do whatever it takes to make the other person happy? A bonding that causes you to take responsibility for the other person?

I know, I know, there are heaps of studies and opinions, and articles, and blog posts about what it all means and where it comes from. Nothing super original and insightful here.

Some people reduce being in love to our brain's production of oxytocin, a merely chemical reaction, that will run its course. Some people coughcynicscough think none of that stuff is important in making life choices. Other coughidiotscough think that the feeling of being in love is EVERYTHING and 'follow your heart' (follow your emotions of the moment) is the only true mantra for a happy life.

As for me, I think that God gave us some pretty cool gifts, including the chemical oxytocin... for a good reason. And like all his gifts, they can be misused. FALLING in love helps two naturally selfish human beings to make a choice to STAY in love. Falling in love can possibly just *happen*, but staying in love is always a deliberate choice. Falling in love and staying in love is what helps us become who we were meant to be, persons whose lives reflect the self-gift of God, who created us like Him. And people who fall in love and stay in love create happy, stable families, the only way really to change this broken, hurting world.

So how can we misuse the gift of being in love? Why, separate it from commitment, from prudence, and from wisdom, and use it as a drug, for the fleeting pleasure of the moment, to be discarded once the high wears off, to never allow it to change us, and move us from our self-obsession to self-gift, from staring at ourselves reflected in the eyes of another, to really SEEING and loving the other.

We are so ready to fall in love, that we'll do anything to get that experience:

Creating and chasing intimacy with anyone regardless of whether it is the right time or a person you would consider marrying: Lonely spouses sharing their marital problems with coworkers of the other sex, teenagers opening their hearts in late night texts to any person who shows them some attention, asking those deeply personal and intimate questions to anyone who shows they are semi-interested.

Here is something you need to know- when you bare your heart to someone, intimacy happens. When you make yourself vulnerable to another human being, you are opening yourself to the chance of falling in love with them, and them with you.

So, HOW NOT TO FALL IN LOVE

• If you (the guy.. sue me, I'm sexist) are not available to pursue the girl, if you (the girl) are not ready to be pursued, if either of you are not able or ready to be married anytime soon, or there is some insurmountable obstacle, if you are in college and years away from being able to commit, if you are in a committed relationship, if either of you are MARRIED ALREADY- DON'T START WHAT YOU CAN'T FINISH. 
• Don't share personal, intimate details of your life with someone of the opposite sex.
• Find people of the same sex to have deep conversations with
• Don't create or remain in intimacy-producing circumstances, like talking to each other for hours, especially late at night, or at parties or weddings with romantic music in the background.
• Don't hang out alone too long or too often. 
• Don't flirt or pay focussed attention to someone you are not serious about. 
• Keep a little bit of internal distance from someone who you are a little attracted to, if it's not the right time. Don't be needy, or too attached. If you don't fall in love too easily, it's far more likely to stick when you do.

Or as the Good Book says,

Your imprudent and unwise choices to fall in love with the wrong person, or allow them to fall in love with you can have some hard and ugly consequences.

Decisions that are later regretted.

Broken hearts.

Broken trust and empty promises.

Broken families.

• The most important way to prevent yourself from looking for love in all the wrong places is to look for it in the right place first. When you feel that need for intimacy, to be seen, to be known, turn to the One who can truly fulfil those desires. Choose to fall in love with Him first, and then you won't be so quick to fall in love with the wrong people, and your heart will be far more ready to fall in love with the right one.

First things first.

The other side of the study is that it seems that you can choose to keep the romance alive in a marriage, that it is again not just random whether or not you stay in love with your own spouse, whether or not you have a successful marriage.

You can choose to regularly ask those intimate questions, to create and sustain intimacy, vulnerability and bonding (aka date nights). You can choose to set aside other distractions to look into each other's eyes, and to give each other the focussed, accepting attention that every person craves.

Love can be far more of a verb than a noun, something we create or tap into, than something that happens to us. Although we can't control everything that happens to us, we have far more control over our lives than we realize. God didn't set us up to fail. Happily ever afters (with or without a spouse) are possible.

Related: Guys, Stop Texting Girls! And Other Super Helpful Advice for the 'Good' Guys  

7 Christmas Quick Takes (2015 version)

Last year I did a 7 Quick Takes on Christmas. So because I'm so creative and original, I decided to go with the exact same idea. I'm a creature of habit. Usually bad habits.

---1---

So people keep asking me how my Christmas went. I try to think of something fascinating that happened, and of course, it is, "I decided to be an adult, and made the roast chicken for the first time in my life." My findings:

• If I had to pick one thing that I had to eat every day for the rest of my life, I THINK stuffing made with bacon, sausage, breadcrumbs, onion, raisins and apple might be it.
• Stitching together a dead bird might be the grossest thing anyone could do on a Christmas morning.
• Recipe books are great with the theory, but when you say it'll take an hour to roast, maybe you should mention that in REALITY it might take 2 hours plus some for the bird to actually be cooked through
• Cutting a whole roast chicken into edible portions is a messy and unsatisfying business for amateurs like myself.

However the delicious meal we eventually ate made everything worth it. (Also helping us practice our 'waiting in joyful hope')

---2---

An Indian Catholic's Christmas differs from an American Catholic's in one major way- we always have our Christmas sweets. Not just Christmas cookies, but a whole set of delicacies like marzipan (sugar and cashewnut), kulkuls (fried and frosted bits of dough), fudge, milk toffee, cheese straws, fruitcake, etc. I assume most of these are Goan Catholic traditions, mostly from the Portuguese? Or a little from here, a little from there? Anyway, it would be a strange, strange Christmas without these Christmas sweets.

---3---

Even though an Indian Christmas has nothing to do with snowmen, pine trees, candy canes, etc, and none of those things have anything much to do with the biblical Nativity of Jesus (unlike the Christmas star and angels), all those things seem to be a normal part of our Christmases here. Kids in school do Christmas arts and crafts which reflect a Christmas from a different part of the world, we cheerily sing 'Let It Snow' and 'I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas', which almost none of us have ever seen.

And of course Santa Claus appears as the main face of Christmas. Sad but true: Humans of Bombay recorded a little street child selling Christmas decorations, saying, "Every year I ask Santa for only one thing - a way to get myself properly educated. This year I also realised that I want to be a scientist so I'm praying even harder that he makes my wish come true. They say Santa doesn't exist, but I have faith that one day I'll be able to stop working, study and become the best scientist in the world!"

Pray to Jesus, not Santa! (I know for atheists it doesn't make a difference, but as a Catholic, praying to a fictional character from the North Pole isn't exactly the same as praying to the historical person of Jesus who still heals and reveals Himself today. Unless he's really asking for the intercession of Saint Nicholas?)

Anyway, in spite of the randomness of some of our Christmas traditions, I sure enjoy having a Christmas tree and heaps of gifts under it.

Even if it's a fake tree.

---4---

Over the last week or so I have been listening to this song 'Wonder' on repeat. The words are very simple-

May we never lose our wonder / Wide eyed and mystified / May we be just like a child / Staring at the beauty of our King/ You are beautiful in all your ways

A couple of weeks ago in the US, I spent one of the most beautiful hours of my life, sitting in Adoration with a chapel full of people loving Jesus. We sang this song, over and over, and my heart was filled with wonder. And now at Christmas, it makes even more sense.

I think of how Mary must have gazed in wonder at this little creature, suckling at her breast.. The God of the Universe become tiny and weak and helpless, her Creator, and yet her little one. How her heart must have swelled with love, with awe, with tenderness. I catch little tastes of that wonder when I gaze at Jesus in the Eucharist- once again become so small, to be with me. The secret of everything- greatness hidden in littleness.

Bishop Robert Barron says, "How common this is in the Bible: the reversal of expectations, the little giving rise to the great, wonderful things coming where you least expect them. The stuttering Moses speaks up to mighty Pharaoh, the slaves face down the Egyptian army, tiny David kills the giant Goliath..."

In the quiet of my prayer time, in the heart-lifting moment of the Psalm being sung at Christmas Mass, in the the brief moment of receiving Jesus in the Eucharist and walking back to my pew, in the few minutes of prayer as my family gathered around my blind and bedridden great aunt, these were the God-moments of Christmas.

---5---

Some Christmas articles and blog posts-

Have Yourself a Broken Little Christmas

We celebrate a Savior who entered a wounded world. And every year we celebrate his birth, we see evidence that our world is still so broken, still so in need of the saving power of Jesus. Our Savior did not come as a king, although he could have saved us in any way he pleased. Rather, he came as a tiny, vulnerable child. He entered our broken, violent, hate-filled world as a tiny, trusting, child, to be with us. 

Oh, That Final Verse!

If you’re not getting everything you need in this world, if you don’t feel satisfied, if you feel adrift and alone and incomplete, that’s because we haven’t gotten to the end of the song yet. You haven't yet gotten to the final verse, which rescues all the others from fantasy. 

Christmas Isn't Candy Canes—It's D-Day in the War Against Satan

Jesus the King of the Universe entered the territory of the “prince of this world” and began to take back territory from him.  

---6---

 (More at catholicmemes.com)

---7---

And old Christmas stuff from me:


Are You Going to a Christmas Dance? 

7 Christmas Quick Takes 

Christmas Highlights

To Be Someone's Darling

I'm one of those head instead of heart people. But if you knew your Myers-Brigg, you'd already know that. The 'T' can sometimes translate as hard-hearted, coldly logical, or just not very affectionate. Over the years as I came to know the God of love, and spent time with Christian community, He began to soften my rough edges, move me from hard-heartedness to soft-heartedness.

Still, I often find it hard to show or receive affection. Indian families are not usually very demonstrative, cuddles are unusual, and saying "I love you" as a matter of course is unusual. Add to that the British influence in my family, we can be pretty undemonstrative, more prone to sarcastic dry, witty comments than showering someone with affection. I didn't really think that was a big deal, until I began to wonder why I find it hard to 'experience' God's love (which I accepted intellectually).

I recently attended a retreat where we talked about every human being's desire to be delighted in, to be 'seen', without criticism, expectation, or demands. I knew God loved me, I had seen so many ways He had answered my prayers, begun to change me, save me from my selfishness, bring healing to my relationships. And yet, when I sat down to be with Him in prayer, contemplation- "I look at God and He looks at me' often evaded me.

A few days ago I read this article:

When Being Called a “Child of God” Draws a Blank

For many, Christmas means trying to grasp God's all-consuming love for us, without the helpful perspective of having once been someone's darling.

And this one-

Oxymoron of an Anchoress on a Silent Retreat 

As I sat in the Gaze of Mercy, I felt Our Lord ask “Let me look at you…I love to look at you.” These words were from a shared story, which goes something like this: Each day, after school, a mother would wash and press her young daughter’s uniform. In the morning the child would be clean and fresh for a new day of learning. Before the child left for school the mother would say to her, “Let me look at you” checking her from head to toe, then “I just love to look at you.” 

They struck a chord, even though I have come from a stable family- have never been abused or abandoned, have been protected, valued, loved. And yet, I feel like I have hardly experienced that gaze of attentive, unconditional, delighted love. How few of us have. Brokenness passes from one generation to the next. It spreads within a culture. Our schools and our school teachers reinforce this brokenness. I was with some schoolchildren and teachers recently, and the only way the teachers could relate to the children (whom I know they genuinely care about) was to correct them or instruct them in gruff tones- "Stand straight! Don't stand there! Say thank you!"etc.

I tried to communicate the love of the Father to the students as I did a session about Christmas with them. "God loves you! He looks at you and says, 'How beautiful'" I told them as I put my hand on one student's cheek, trying to communicate God's delight. Her eyes lit up. Who had ever said that to her?

The beauty of existence, loved into it, and through it, pierced my heart. There was joy in knowing what it is to be the child of a parent looking upon you in all your sweet wonders. It is good to be somebody’s beloved daughter. 

But I did know that intimacy. I HAD tasted it.

The author of the articles wrote, 'Being single and childless — I feel curious. Curious enough to ask my friends about it. “What do you, as parents, feel when gazing upon your children?” I have asked. “As a beloved child, when young — or now, looking back as an adult with children of your own — what was in the moments you experienced, that you became aware of such a gaze?"'

I am single and childless, and yet God awakened intimacy in my soul through the birth of my little nieces. I was on the other end of the delight, but I suddenly found parts of my soul I didn't know existed. As babies, I longed to hold them, just stare at their perfect little faces, their curves, listen to their sweet baby gurgles. What contentment as they nestled close against me.

As they grew older, I loved to hear them talk, every word was greeted with delight. What joy when they said our names (and what jealousy when they said the other aunts' or uncles' first) We'd get them to repeat words they didn't understand after us- "That's ridicklus!"and just revel in these little creatures who were OURS. Even now as lanky 6 and 7 year olds who can barely fit on my lap, I find such joy in their silly, innocent love for me, the things they want to show me, their observations about life, their openness, their questions, just THEM. Their existence. Their humanity.

I look at them the way God looks at me. The way He wants me to look at every human being, especially my family. To SEE them. And to allow Him to SEE me.

Last night I sat before the Blessed Sacrament with the Christian young professionals' group I belong to, just sat, for an hour, in silence before Him. Allowing Him to love me. Last night I also sat with my mum, as she set aside her to do lists to listen to me, and love me. 'Wasting' time.

It's beginning.

The Day I Met A Celebrity

So I'm not the fangirl type. I once met Aamir Khan, and I was like "Eh, whatever. You seem normal." (In my head. I'm not THAT rude.)While other people shrieked and asked for his autograph. My family's proud like that. Or let's say down-to-earth.

But there are a few people that I really look up to, have been influenced by, and would be excited to meet. It's a fairly short list.

1. Scott Hahn- Catholic convert, author with his wife Kimberly of Rome Sweet Home, that sparked my interest in the Catholic Church as a young teenager, author of  A Father Who Keeps His Promises, that opened my eyes to and got me really excited about the continuity and connection between the Old and New Testament (what, Adam and Eve, Noah's Ark, Moses and the Red Sea, Abraham and Isaac are not just a bunch or random unconnected stories for kids?)



2. Jennifer Fulwiler- Atheist turned Catholic, witty, insightful, self-proclaimed socially-awkward blogger at Conversion Diary, whom I've been following for over eight years, and often linked to on my blog- while talking about Myers- Brigg, doing Seven Quick Takes, and promoting her book Something Other Than God (that I hadn't even read at that point). She's a pretty big name in the Catholic online world.



3. Simcha Fisher- Another intelligent, hilarious Catholic blogger who is not afraid to be funny and snarky and balanced and real. She writes at Aleteia (now), and National Catholic Register. I used to read NCR only for her, and I'm pretty sure my writing has been influenced by her and Jennifer.



4. Pope Francis- You know.



Him.

LOVE Joy of the Gospel, Papa Francesco! "For if we have received the love which restores meaning to our lives, how can we fail to share that love with others?"

Anyway, back in 2010-2011, I visited the US for the first time as I joined the organization I am now a part of. One of my friends is an alumni of Franciscan University of Steubenville, and a group of us stopped there on our way to the D.C March for Life (yes, we did a road trip from Louisiana to D.C. with a stop at Ohio!). When we were there, we unexpectedly got to drop in to Scott Hahn's home, (courtesy of a common friend) and visit with him. He and Kimberly were so kind to us, and he even shared a little reflection with us about the value of our work. He prefaced it with, "Do you have a moment?" as we were about to exit his home, feeling awkward about barging in. Who doesn't have moment for Scott Hahn?



Then this year, I got the chance to return to the US for some time with my organization. "What if.. we somehow managed to meet Jennifer Fulwiler while I was there?" I said to my old friend T, who is also a fan. Texas and Louisiana are neighbors after all, and who knows?

So we wrote to her, and manged to get our email read via another friend of a friend of Jen's. I played the Indian fan card (sorry, Jennifer). And still, I was surprised when she wrote back, and said she would love to meet us. Ahhh! I was picturing coffee somewhere.. and then she invited us over to her home for dinner!!! Leap of faith on her part. T and I drove 6 hours to meet her and her family, hung out and chatted over wine, got interviewed on her radio show (because of the cool work we do). "You sound like Pope Francis' kind of people,"she told us. A higher compliment I have never been paid. She was quiet and graceful, and her husband Joe was gregarious and animated.

 

Also I was apparently the first person who compared her home to a monastery... in my defence, I was currently living at a base with over 70 people of which over 30 were children...so her six kids wandering around doing their own thing while we could hear ourselves speak was a quiet, peaceful experience.

So yeah, I met Jennifer Fulwiler! ♫ You've got have a dream, if you don't have a dream, how you gonna have a dream come truuuueee? ♫ (South Pacific, anyone?)



Look out, Simcha Fisher and Pope Francis!

Thanks for being awesome, Jennifer- and inviting two complete strangers into your home. Aren't you glad we didn't turn out to be complete weirdos?



 Relatively speaking, anyway.