I was listening to a Catholic women’s podcast yesterday (no, not Abiding Together), and the podcast host and her two guests kept talking about the crisis of masculinity and femininity. They said that the modern world has told men and women that there is no difference between them, that they are not just equal, but the same, and this has resulted in widespread confusion and shaky marriages, increased likelihood of divorce, and a weaker family life.
I’m inclined to agree with them until there. I recently read a Humans of Bombay story about a woman who grew up in an extremely conservative family that married her off at a young age, but her husband supported her in completing her education and pursuing a career. All well and good. But it ended with this woman sharing that she now lives in a different city than her husband and young child (with their full support), in order to continue pursuing her career. Almost all the comments were congratulatory, because it seems that everyone thought this was WOMEN’S LIBERATION AND IF MEN CAN DO IT, WHY NOT WOMEN?!!
I have thoughts about this but before I express them, let me tell you how the Catholic women’s podcast progressed. According to one of the guest speakers, the solution for these blurred and confused gender identities and struggling marriages was for men and women to return to their ‘traditional gender roles’.
According to her, women WANT men who are earning more than them, more intelligent than them and stronger than them. She quoted a study that said couples who stuck to traditional gender roles and household tasks enjoyed a better sex life. (To be fair, the podcast host said SHE found it incredibly attractive when her husband folded laundry.) According to her, women turn to masochistic and abusive sex stories like Fifty Shades, because it’s a warped desire for strong men, in a world which has told men that their strength is not needed or appreciated. She kept harping back to ‘John Wayne’ type men. Ugh.
So here you see two extreme ideologies both of which seem unhealthy and unbalanced.
If people tell women that being a mom, or caring for a home, or being supportive of her husband diminishes her value and her worth, then she feels as if she has no choice but to be a ‘career woman’ who gets back to a 9 to 5 job a few months after giving birth, no matter what her desires are. (In India, she is also expected to cook and keep house WHILE holding down a full-time job outside the home.) The only path laid out for her is to ‘do it all’.
If people tell women that her ONLY role and worth in life comes from her husband and children, then she starts feeling trapped and undervalued, her many other gifts and talents are never developed or used, and she may never learn what she is capable of or what she has to offer the world. Jennifer Fulwiler had an awesome talk about it at SEEK, and the Abiding Together podcast often talks about the ‘feminine genius’ needing to be uncovered, a JPII reference.
What about men?
If people tell men that women don’t need them ('women need men like fish need bicycles!'), that they have no value or unique gifts to add to anything because WOMEN CAN DO IT ALL, that when they use their strength to serve or protect, they are being sexist or condescending, that they are superfluous, and the world would do much better without them, then they believe it and become physically or emotionally checked out fathers and husbands, or resentful and passive and afraid to ever take the initiative (because women don’t NEED men to take the initiative). The superwomen never let on that they too are vulnerable sometimes (perhaps because they have been hurt before?) and so the men sit back and make jokes about bossy wives, but secretly struggle with their value and identity. Everyone needs to be needed.
But if people tell men that a woman with an opinion or a salary is undermining their role, or that the right order of things is for men to be the decision-makers and women to blindly trust their judgment in all matters, that it is less manly to admit weakness, that strength and aggression are synonymous, that respect is owed them and expressed in unquestioning obedience, and that women are weak indecisive creatures who love nothing better than a man to figure out everything for them, then at best, they are losing out on a mutually satisfying equal partnership and carrying burdens alone that they could have shared, or at worst, they turn into tyrants in their own homes who lash out (physically or verbally) when challenged in any way.
So what is the happy balance, one that respects both the equality and the differences between men and women, that allows them to be unashamedly who they are? Should there be a difference in the roles of men and women, and if so, what should they be?
I think the key is to remember that men and women ARE different, but no one else can tell us exactly how that's going to play out in each individual marriage. One may prefer cooking to cleaning, one may be more skilled at tech support or fixing things than the other, one may like doing the accounts, while the other may prefer buying the groceries. Women tend to be more sensitive to people's needs and feelings, men tend to like to work with their hands. But not always. Women tend to be more empathetic, men tend to be more logical. But not always. You need to get to know that unique man or woman, and allow them to be who they are, use and develop their gifts, and affirm each other while doing so. You need to listen to the other person express their feelings and desires about your roles, and be willing to accommodate their needs.
But here's the catch that most people don't talk about, and it works for men AND women. The choices you make, and the way you live out your masculinity and femininity is not just for your own fulfillment, but should be at the service of each other and your family (in the context of marriage). So if young children need their mom especially in the early years, embrace that call. We have differences that can help and serve each other. Only a woman can bear a child in her body, and men can use their strength to serve and protect his wife and kids when they are the most vulnerable. That could mean being the primary earner, but it could also mean cooking and caring for the older kids when the wife is pregnant or breastfeeding.
'A mother who watches over her child with tenderness and compassion helps him or her to grow in confidence and to experience that the world is a good and welcoming place. This helps the child to grow in self-esteem and, in turn, to develop a capacity for intimacy and empathy. A father, for his part, helps the child to perceive the limits of life, to be open to the challenges of the wider world, and to see the need for hard work and strenuous effort. A father possessed of a clear and serene masculine identity who demonstrates affection and concern for his wife is just as necessary as a caring mother. There can be a certain flexibility of roles and responsibilities, depending on the concrete circumstances of each particular family. But the clear and well-defined presence of both figures, female and male, creates the environment best suited to the growth of the child.' Pope Francis
Prioritizing the needs of the family sometimes means that a woman may need to work outside the home while the man stays home with the kids. It means for both men and women that your career goals should never be more important than the needs of each other or your children. It may mean giving up a promotion so that you still have time to help your kids with their homework. It may mean giving up cool travel opportunities because your relationship with your spouse takes time too. It may mean travelling together with your family even though it will slow you down.
Using your strengths to serve each other as spouses should work both ways. It may mean one spouse taking a step back from their own goals and dreams at a particular stage in their life to support the other in pursuing theirs. It means men stepping up to be servant leaders and present fathers, because women need to know it's NOT all on them. It means women not trying to micro-manage everything and not acting like dads are 'babysitting' when they're look after their own kids.
It's not a competition, it's a collaboration. We don't have to be independent beings pursuing our own personal goals while happening to be married to each other. We need to allow ourselves to be dependent on each other, to be vulnerable with each other, to respond to each other's vulnerability, and to allow the other's gifts to enrich us.
When women affirm men in their natural gifts and strengths, men feel confident enough to step up and use those gifts and strengths. When men affirm women in THEIR strength and ability, then women feel seen and valued. Both feel a confidence in being the men and women God called them to be because they no longer have to fight their own spouse to be that man or woman.
This is a hard adjustment to make because we've all grown up influenced by the ways our own parents and families did things (for better or worse), our own assumptions, insecurities, and wounds, and by the messages social media is shouting at us constantly (for better or worse). Sometime we overcompensate, sometimes we feel threatened by new ideas or ways of doing things that feel unfamiliar and not socially acceptable.
'There are those who believe that many of today’s problems have arisen because of feminine emancipation. This argument, however, is not valid, “it is false, untrue, a form of male chauvinism”. The equal dignity of men and women makes us rejoice to see old forms of discrimination disappear, and within families there is a growing reciprocity.' Pope Francis
I think three things can help us rediscover how to be authentically 'masculine' or 'feminine' within marriages and relationships - a relationship with God, regular prayer and discernment about what needs to change, and how, and when. Good and regular communication and listening to each other's feelings and needs. And good community, with other healthy and happily married couples whom you respect and who are willing to share from their own experiences and mistakes.
Nuptial blessing during a Catholic Wedding Mass
O God, who by your mighty power
created all things out of nothing,
and, when you had set in place
the beginnings of the universe,
formed man and woman in your own image,
making the woman an inseparable helpmate to the man,
that they might be no longer two, but one flesh,
and taught that what you were pleased to make one
must never be divided;
O God, who consecrated the bond of Marriage
by so great a mystery
that in the wedding covenant you foreshadowed
the Sacrament of Christ and his Church;
O God, by whom woman is joined to man
and the companionship they had in the beginning
is endowed with the one blessing
not forfeited by original sin
nor washed away by the flood.
Look now with favor on these your servants,
joined together in Marriage,
who ask to be strengthened by your blessing.
Send down on them the grace of the Holy Spirit
and pour your love into their hearts,
that they may remain faithful in the Marriage covenant.
May the grace of love and peace
abide in your daughter [name],
and let her always follow the example of those holy women
whose praises are sung in the Scriptures.
May her husband entrust his heart to her,
so that, acknowledging her as his equal
and his joint heir to the life of grace,
he may show her due honor
and cherish her always
with the love that Christ has for his Church.
And now, Lord, we implore you:
may these your servants
hold fast to the faith and keep your commandments;
made one in the flesh,
may they be blameless in all they do;
and with the strength that comes from the Gospel,
may they bear true witness to Christ before all;
may they be blessed with children,
and prove themselves virtuous parents,
who live to see their children’s children.
And grant that,
reaching at last together the fullness of years
for which they hope,
they may come to the life of the blessed
in the Kingdom of Heaven.
Through Christ our Lord.
Amen.
Related Reading
I’m a Catholic Feminist – What Does That Even Mean?
Don't Be Afraid of Strong Women: A Reflection on Wonder Woman
Why I Can’t Stand Marriage Jokes
Pope John Paul II's Letter on the Dignity and Vocation of Women
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