Ask Sue: How Does One Decide When to Jump Into Online Comment Threads?

"man using laptop"by Lee chao 0608 is licensed under CC BY-ND 2.0

One of my patrons recently texted to ask this question:

How does one discern when to engage in online discourse? A friend saw an article posted on a neighbourhood page that seemed discriminatory to Muslims. She felt conflicted: posting a well-intentioned and informed contrary opinion would not change anything. But if she did say something, she would be defending her Muslim neighbours who would feel attacked by the article. She wanted to bring some objectivity to the discussion, but was worried about instigating even more inflammatory remarks making things worse for her neighbours. Any thoughts?

Ah, comment threads, how I love thee. Not. For someone like me who loves and values truth and accuracy, but also hates conflict, online discourse is a tricky place to be. I’ve only written about reading comment threads. What about participating in them? (This includes Facebook, Twitter, Whatsapp groups, etc.)

Full disclosure: I almost never comment on online threads. But I admire those who do so courteously.

Still, here are a few thoughts and suggestions in case you are ever wondering whether or not to jump in:

Check your motives: If you’re just being defensive, trying to prove you’re right and someone else is wrong, close that app and go read a book. Proving a point rarely seems to make a real difference. Win an argument, lose a soul. But if, like my patron’s friend, your motive is to speak up for those who are being attacked or misunderstood, or to help people to see and consider the truth, then proceed further.

Check your emotions: If you are burning with anger or resentment, furious at the stupidity and ignorance of the other commenters, take a break before chiming in. How we say something is as important as what we say. If you’re angry, you’re far less likely to be kind or charitable. Being passionate about truth doesn’t require you to be rude or snarky. Remember that no human being is the enemy, no matter how erroneous or harmful their beliefs are.

Pause and say a prayer: This is one of the typical situations that the Holy Spirit was given to us for. This is not always a clear black and white situation. In some cases, it is better to be quiet, while in others, a prophetic voice is needed. Sometimes it may be your voice, sometimes it may be someone else. Don’t be afraid to be a prophet: The world needs prophets, speaking inconvenient truths. It’s far easier to say the things everyone already agrees on, than to voice an unpopular opinion. Your voice may make all the difference. But how, you may ask. Sometimes it is pretty obvious that the other people on a thread have already made up their minds. What’s the point of saying anything?

You’ve forgotten about all the silent observers sitting on the fence, people who have not yet made up their mind, but are open to hearing from both sides. I can’t tell you how often my mind has been opened to a new perspective by a charitable voice continuing a discussion. How many others are also watching!

When a reasonable voice is heard, people of goodwill consider new perspectives. Never underestimate the power of planting a seed. Most of us are lifelong learners, but we learn based on what we hear, what we see, what people say, how they say it, and how convincing their words are. If no one is willing to speak up for the truth, how can we blame people for being brainwashed by a lost world?

Acknowledge common ground: Usually there is something that you can agree on, and it's helpful to listen for any elements of truth in the other person's words. Acknowledging those elements shows the other person that you are seeking truth, not vindication.

Count the cost: Be aware that some people might attack you for your beliefs, however charitably spoken. If you are still convicted that you need to speak, do so, but don’t remain in a toxic environment. Go play with a baby, cook some dinner, hang out with a friend, or go for a walk. Don't be afraid to bow out when you need to, especially if continuing the discussion is causing you anxiety or interfering with your ability to love and be present to the people around you.

Surrender the outcome to God: You may or may not see visible fruit online. But if you were obedient to the promptings of the Spirit, if you were charitable and kind in your words, and if you remembered to say a prayer for all those involved in the discussion, God is more than able to multiply your little offering. It’s not your job to convince people or save their souls, it is God’s. Remember that you’re not God, and let go of the need for visible success.

Have nothing to do with stupid and senseless controversies; you know that they breed quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kindly to everyone, an apt teacher, patient, correcting opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant that they will repent and come to know the truth. 2 Timothy 2: 23-25

I Found Out Why I'm Furious!

Just kidding, I'm rarely furious. I do however have a variety of other emotions, which pop up randomly and derail my peace of mind and heart. What do I do when that happens? Well, typically, I look at my calendar to check what time of month it is. Hormones can affect a lot, as many women and the people they are closest to know all too well. (Pro tip: Kindly inform your family members and significant others about when PMS is due for holier and happier relationships.)

But sometimes it isn't about hormones.

Have you ever had something happen to you, something seemingly small, a comment, an interaction, a change in plans, that seem to release a disproportionate flood of emotions?

Okay I realize I'm being too vague. Here are some real life examples.

Auntie: Did you notice that you have pimples on your face? You should try (some home remedy).
Friend: [WAVE OF ANGER that she is able to hold in briefly before venting at me]
Me: Yeah, you know aunties sometimes make personal comments, I'm sure she doesn't realize that it's rude.
Friend (practically in tears): That's not an excuse! What a horrible thing to say! I can't take any more of these rude personal comments about my appearance and my weight!

Some team member or person I'm working with: Hey Sue. We need to talk.
Me: (Outwardly) Okay. Let me know when.
(Inwardly) OVERWHELMING ANXIETY AND FEAR AND OVERTHINKING BEGINS

Someone: (Raises their voice and accuses me of something, unfair or not).
Me: (Shaky mess and shaky voice and internal withdrawal but trying not to show it)

They're called triggers and we all have them. Something someone says or does makes us feel threatened, scared, rejected, abandoned, unsafe, ashamed, embarrassed, alone. Sometimes it's the things someone DOESN'T do that trigger negative emotions. Sometimes it's a mild criticism, an insult, someone's opinion or attitude, sometimes even the expression on someone's face.

Where do these negative emotions come from?

Typically it is connected with some wound from the past. Maybe we experienced rejection and criticism from our parents when we were children (the ones who should have made us feel safe and accepted), and now everything makes us feel rejected and criticized. Maybe we were emotionally or physically abused. Maybe we were in a relationship where we were consistently humiliated and disrespected. It could make us feel touchy and overly sensitive, and hear disrespect everywhere. Sometime we may not even remember the original wound, but that doesn't stop us from experiencing its effects.

So what do we typically do with these emotions?

Some of us run away from the situation or person that has triggered them. It can make our circle smaller and smaller because whenever you get close to people it starts happening.

Some of us blame the other person for MAKING us feel that way. "That is not the way" as we say in India. If only that person had behaved more respectfully, sensitively, I would not be having these emotions.

Some of us allow anger and hurt to harden into resentment as we close ourselves off from the person or people who were involved.

Some of us resort to self-shaming and self-blame and come to the conclusion that we are horrible people in every possible way and we deserve to feel that way.

Some of us just think that this is normal life and losing your temper all the time, or regularly feeling fearful or anxious, or having angry confrontations are just the the side effects of being human.

But I want to let you into a secret that may change everything-

God desires us to maintain our peace of heart no matter what, and if God desires it, then it is possible.

So what do we do with all these trigger and emotions that seems to influence so much of our lives and interactions? How do we rediscover peace of mind and peace of heart?

1. Acknowledge that they exist. We need to be able to have the humility to admit that sometimes our emotions are disproportionate to the situation.* Not everything is someone else's fault. Blaming others is a sure way to never start the healing process, or any kind of change or growth.

2. Accept those emotions without identifying with them. Alright, I'm feeling ashamed. But my emotions are not ME. They are just something I'm experiencing. Now what?

3. Be willing to examine them. 'The unexamined life is not worth living.' I've mentioned the Ignatian particular Examen before, but basically this is what it comes down to - a. Step away from the situation. b. Thank God for three specific things. c. Ask the Holy Spirit to examine the depths of your soul. Ask yourself 'Why am I reacting this way? Does this reflect the truth of the situation?' d. Ask God to help you react differently next time. DO THIS EVERY TIME! Journal about it so you remember.

4. Share your conclusions with a spiritual director and/or someone close to you. We often need someone to help us remember the truth.

5. Ask God for healing from the memories or past trauma or wounds that are affecting your current ability to relate to the world. Forgive the people who have wounded you. Speak the truth and the bible verses that remind you of the truth often. (Very often mine is - "God is God and I am not. I am not in charge of everyone else's happiness, holiness and safety - God is. There is no problem too big for God to handle.")

6. Be patient with yourself. You're not the only one. We are all broken and wounded, and sometimes it takes a while to become whole.

7. Be quick to apologize. Even if your negative emotions and reactions stem from past wounds, they still have the ability to hurt the people around you. And if you're willing to apologize and share what's going on, the people close to you will be able to walk with you and be patient with you when you slip up. They may even be able to try to avoid your triggers.

8. Resolve not to act out of your emotions: Just because you're FEELING angry or defensive or scared or resentful, doesn't mean you need to speak angry or defensive or fearful or resentful words. Take some time to respond if you can't respond well in the moment.

For freedom Christ has set us free. But most of us continue to live in slavery to the lies and wounds of the past. Lent is a time for returning to the Lord with all our hearts. It's not always about something we can do for Christ, but allowing Him to do what He wants to do in us.

*That means sometimes negative emotions are useful - if you really are in danger, your emotions may be an indicator that something is very wrong.

Related Reading and Podcasts

Back to the Basics: Lenses and Triggers - Way of the Heart podcast (only 27 minutes)

How Not to Be an Emotional Wreck All the Time (yeah, so, funny story, I wrote this entire blog post before realizing I wrote a very similar post a few weeks ago. Oh well, if I forgot, maybe you did too.)

Identifying Our Triggers