Letter to My Teenage Self

Dear young, awkward, skinny Sue,

First of all, don't freak out, but you turn out to be 33 years old and not yet married. Yeah, you don't get married in your early twenties and have a bunch of kids. Didn't expect THAT, did you? But that is the least of all the unexpected things your life holds! I have some news, and some advice, and some lessons I want to share (because people in their thirties like to do that kind of thing).

1. Stop obsessing about romance, marriage and crushes. It's not just something people say to make themselves feel better about being single, but there REALLY REALLY is a LOT more to life than romance. There are SO many good and exciting and challenging things to do and learn and explore, and YOU ARE WASTING YOUR TIME READING ROMANCE NOVELS AND WATCHING CHICK FLICKS.  Did I say that loud enough? Did you hear me? Put that book down (or even better, throw it away), and jump into something more challenging and interesting.

2. Life gets better once you cross 25. There is nothing like the confidence of the late twenties and thirties. Man, you just won't care anymore! Remember when you were excruciatingly aware of your awkward gait, and self-conscious body language, and you used to practise walking confidently on your way home from college? That totally stops being a thing. You start fitting into your own skin. Also, bonus, you finally start having regular good hair days, and even know how to look pretty without too much effort. But sorry, you never really figure out make-up and how to switch on a photogenic smile, but that's okay. You're beautiful and you finally believe it.

Making weird faces at cameras for three decades

3. You need to start working on discipline. It's not something that magically appears when you cross a certain age. If you don't exercise those self-control muscles now, you will be struggling with it fifteen years later. You have GOT to learn to switch self-indulgence for self-denial. I promise you the fruits of self-denial are much much sweeter. If you don't know where to start, make a daily schedule, set goals for yourself, and make yourself accountable to someone. Start something, and keep at it. It will get easier.

4. Adventures are not as scary as you think they are. Guess what, you travel to the US three times, live in the Philippines for two years, leave your home and family to start afresh many times in MANY different homes, and with many different sets of people, and you actually enjoy a lot of that. You are sometimes homesick and you make mistakes, but you also make lifelong friends, and learn to survive on your own, you learn to travel (although home is still your favorite place), and to figure out how to get things done when you need to without paralyzing anxiety. Life begins at the end of your comfort zone. If you cling to it too firmly, you will never grow or change or become the woman you were meant to be.

Adventures: Even boring introverts need them

5. Your faith means nothing if it is not transformed into LOVE. Yes, I know you are super into apologetics, and understanding and explaining the truth of the Catholic faith. And you may be happy to know that 33 year old Sue still loves the beauty and the truth revealed by Jesus through the Catholic Church. But reading blogs and hanging out on Catholic forums and arguing with people is never going to change the world. Look for ways to love people. Fill up your time with service to the poor. Spend more time sharing your faith than defending it. I promise it's worth it.

6. You don't land up marrying ANY of the many crushes you have now. Instead, you meet and fall in love with a doctor (I know, what?!!) from a very different culture than you. You're 32 when you meet him, but all the experiences and lessons of the previous decade have prepared you for this man, and the new life God is inviting you into with him. You can't skip steps. God works things out exactly when and how He wants to, so stop worrying or obsessing about it and live fully the present moment. There is no shame in being single. By the way, when romance finally happens, it is exactly as sweet and beautiful as you hoped it would be, and makes the years of waiting worth it.

Romance in your thirties is just as sweet

7. You never have everything totally figured out. Apparently, nobody does. There are many unanswered questions, self-doubt and struggles with impostor syndrome, problems to solve, decisions to make at EVERY stage of your life. It's not that you magically find your one true career or calling and then live it our perfectly. You're a teacher, a blogger, a full-time Catholic worker, but you will soon be a wife, hopefully a mother, and probably an author (yes, you're supposed to be working on a book). You may do other things and be other things too as life goes on. You don't have to have it all figured out. You just need to ask God what's next, and be faithful to that thing.

Life is good, young Sue! Be happy! Don't be afraid. Stay close to Jesus, and trust that He's going to help you figure things out. And like they say, survive, chuckle, show affection.

P.S. You're no longer young, awkward or skinny.

Related Reading

Breaking Out of the Bubble

Why I’m Glad I Wasn’t the Pretty Girl

Eight Tips to Surviving Christmas

You may be one of those crazy people who starts counting down to Christmas from October, who gets dreamy at the thought of Christmas gifts and traditions, hot chocolate and carols, Midnight mass and fluffy socks. But most likely once the season is upon you, that illusion comes crashing down. You suddenly have too much to do, too many commitments, nothing to wear, you’re tired, and everyone expects too much of you, and more and more corners of your house need cleaning. Your family members still push your buttons, and the more tired you are, the more you remember everything in your life that is going wrong, like the fact that you’re STILL single, or your marriageable children are, or your marriage is not picture-perfect, or you are childless or you just lost someone close to you… and it’s all too much to handle, and Christmas is not dreamy and charming, but frustrating and exhausting and can we go back to normal life already?

So is there any way to avoid this cycle of pain? Is there any way to redeem Christmas? Here are my best tips:

1. Make room for silence: Somehow or the other, prayer is relegated to the way way bottom of our to-do lists during Christmas. “Hold on, Lord, I know, I know, ‘Jesus is the reason for the season’ etc, but really it’s super-important that I spend another few hours online shopping for the perfect gift for everyone I know, I’m sure you understand.” 

Just put it all to one side, put your phone in another room, quiet your heart and your mind, and be with the One who loves you best. 

“The best time to make a holy hour is in the morning, early, before the day sets traps for us,” said Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen. Schedule it in, or it won’t happen. Personal prayer is important, and so is family prayer. I remember a Christmas Eve a few years ago when my family was in the middle of all the typical bustle of decorating, gift-wrapping, looking for matching clothes, shoes and jewelry for Midnight Mass, fighting over the one ironing board… and then we stopped everything, switched off all the lights and sat quietly before the crib, with its one light on, and prayed together. It was exactly right, but how easily we could have missed that moment.

2. Make room for love: Plan a visit to a poor family, or an elderly relative. Those are the kind of plans that won’t automatically happen unless you choose them. Christmas dances, family parties and big meals will happen one way or another, but the less glamorous appointments must be deliberately prioritized. But it’s not just the big gestures of love, but the little ones too. Plan each day to something encouraging or kind to each member of your family. Wash the dishes for your mum. Thank your maid. Tickle your kids. People over tasks.

3. Don’t over-commit: It’s easy during Christmas season to want to do it all. And there’s usually a LOT to do - parties, visits, home-decorating, errands, cooking feasts, an array of different types of sweets. But if you’re tired, it’s okay to say no. If you don’t have time to pray, it’s okay to say no.  if you’re over-stimulated, your room is a huge mess and you’re surviving on five hours of sleep every night, it’s okay to say no. It doesn’t really make a difference if you make three types of sweets instead of five. It’s okay if you skip a few social engagements to spend a quiet evening at home. make good choices. Don't spread yourself too thin.

4. Don’t over-eat, drink too much or spend too much: It’s embarrassing that Christians celebrate the birth of our God in the dwelling of a poor and humble family by reveling in the sin of gluttony and alcohol abuse and greed. Of course, celebration and feasting is good - Catholics love their feasts! But feasting is not equal to gluttony or drunkenness. Plus you know you feel bloated, unhealthy,  lethargic or hung over after overdoing it too many times. Why not enjoy the good things of life without letting them destroy us? Maybe you could give away the extra food, or the money saved by eating leftovers or buying less alcohol or other stuff, in the true spirit of Christmas.

5. Feed yourself with something satisfying: Read a good book. Read the bible. Listen to a good podcast. Do some art. Feed your soul and your mind, don’t just put them on hold while the body takes over. The bubble of this life is going to burst one day, and what will you have left on that day?

6. Play some beautiful music: Not just poppy Christmas-themed music, but music that calms you and feeds your soul, helps you remember who you are and who God is, that there is more to life than this frenzied pursuit of pleasure. Do your chores to the soundtrack of beauty.

7. Go for Confession: I have never failed to have my soul-cobwebs cleared out each time I have been to Confession. Yes, it’s hard, yes, I don’t feel like doing it and can think of any number of other things I would rather be doing, and yet I go – because it clears out the junk and once again I see myself and the world with the eyes of Truth… and hope. I went for Confession three days ago, and it was about time.

8. Fight the urge to compare: Envy creeps in at times like this, a dissatisfaction with the way things are, with the imperfect life we have been given. Nostalgia, an imperceptible sense of “If only…” pervades everything, and steals our joy. Reality doesn’t seem to satisfy. Wake up, friends - it’s a lie! No one has that perfect life. It awaits us in heaven, when every tear will be wiped away. Meanwhile, the imperfect, messy life you have been given holds beauty. But you might need to stop and look for it. And when you find it, give thanks!

I pray that each person reading this article finds joy this Christmas, that you may judge wisely the things of earth, and hold firm to the things of heaven, and that you may find your security in the gentle arms of our Lord who gave up heaven just to be ‘Emmanuel’.

The Modern Catholic Girl’s Guide to Dressing

If you had the patience to get through my last, loong post, you’ll know that I have opinions. About modesty. In brief, modesty may not imply what you think it does. And yes, modesty matters.

 But if you were convinced, it’s still hard to figure out what to wear. Especially since we made the point that there IS no list of modesty rules, and modest differs from culture to culture. Even within the same city, you may be a part of several different cultures- your traditionally Maharashtrian college, your liberal, Westernized family, and your mixed crowd of saree and dress wearing parish attendees. So how on earth can you really decide? Here are some guidelines that may help.

1. Is it appropriate? Some things are fairly obvious. You wear different clothes to church and to a party (or you should anyway). You wear different clothes to a job interview and to go on a trek. You wear different clothes for when you’re lazing around alone at home, and when you have guests at home.Yu could wear a swimsuit at a pool, but not at at a coffee shop. Is it appropriate to the particular occasion you are going to? But still, something might seem appropriate, and still not modest. (I think Gal Gadot in Wonder Woman was appropriately dressed, because she was fighting, and her outfit was meant to make that easy to do. You could see it was not in the least meant to be provocative. Of course when she came to London, she had to find more appropriate, but still attractive clothing.)

2. What is your intention is when you choose something to wear? I remember the years when I just knew that if I ‘borrowed’ my sister’s clothes, I would get far more attention at college than when I dressed in my own clothes. If attention is the only reason you are choosing to wear something, then put it away. Most of us are want to be loved, but we settle for attention instead. Most of us struggle with some form of attention-seeking behaviour or another. Don’t let that unhealthy desire control you!

3. Would most people describe your outfit as sexy or beautiful? I know, I know, most people WANT to be called sexy. But think about this, usually the word ‘sexy’ basically implies ‘I want to have sex with you’. Is that really the message you want to send to the world at large? It’s a great message to send to your husband, so sexy nightwear when you’re married is ‘appropriate’. But what kind of relationship do you want to have with the rest of the world? Can your clothing help them to see you as a beautiful, lovable PERSON? Not just someone to be lusted after, or used?

4. Does it suit you? Okay, this isn’t about modesty, but a great question to ask if you would like to be attractively dressed. You might argue that attractive has the same connotation as sexy, but I will argue right back that it is possible to be attracted to someone’s beauty without lusting after them. You can find pleasure in someone’s appearance in a pure, holy way that corresponds with their dignity as persons. So back to wearing clothes that suit you. If you have a friend whose dress sense you admore, ask them if a particular item of clothing suits you. If it doesn’t, (and you can afford to), give it away. It’s better to have a smaller wardrobe of clothes that suit you, than a large number of clothes that don’t.

5. Do you need to tug at it to keep it modest? If you’re uncomfortable because your neckline is slipping, and your hem is riding up, you are not going to be able to be at ease, confident, calm and yourself. Just get rid of clothes like that. They’re not worth it.

6. Does it fit into the widely accepted local cultural definition of ‘modest’? Oh, this is hard. The most widely accepted local cultural definition of ‘modest’ may very well not fit at all into my ideas of what modest is. I think sleeveless clothes, and a skirt an inch or two above my knee are still fairly modest. And in some contexts that is true. No one would give my outfit a second glance, no one would struggle to control their thoughts, it would just be an appropriate party outfit at most of my family parties or weddings. However, if I were to wear something like that on streets of most of India, I would definitely draw a great many second glances. This one is particularly hard, because who wants their choices to be dictated by the world at large? ‘Let those judgy aunties have a good gossip! Doesn’t bother me.’ Don’t do it for the judgy aunties. Or even for the men who will lust no matter what you are wearing. Do it for the sake of the men who ARE trying to look at women as sisters, not sex objects. Do it for Christ, who asked us to go the extra mile for the sake of the other. When you’re at church, people of a variety of backgrounds and cultures are present. Deny yourself for their sake. What are we willing to do for Christ? Give up some aspect of our culture for the sake of bringing the Gospel to all? In some ways, if we are representing Christ, we need to hold ourselves to a higher standard of modesty. It’s a pain sometimes, but it’s worth it.

7. Do you have a friend also committed to modesty? Humble yourself to ask her when you’re not sure. It’s easy for me to let my own standards slip, but if I’m willing to ask someone, it means I’m willing to open myself to input from the Lord. Be open to the gentle feedback of those who love you and trying to help you walk with the Lord.

8. Does your wardrobe have a few sets of modest, fun, and attractive outfits? Half the battle is making sure you have modest options. Go shopping if you need to, ask for recommendations of places to shop. Most times that I wore immodest clothes in my distant youth, it was because I didn’t have any good options. Find something that can be ‘your style’, ask your more fashionable friends for advice if you’re as lost as I often was. Accessorize! (My sister is laughing as she read this, because I never accessorize, I’m too lazy.) Check out Verily for fashion tips that don't have to be immodest.

9. Have you prayed about it? Pray, discern, and get rid of any clothes that the Lord convicts you to: A modern interpretation of ‘If you eye causes you to sin, pluck it out.’

10. Do you have a clothes budget? Don’t waste too much money on clothes or shoes: It is possible to slowly build your wardrobe, economically, and with humility if you’re open to second hand clothes (I am! That’s where all my cute clothes come from). Brands aren’t that important. You probably don’t need 20 outfits and 10 pairs of shoes. You can be cute, economical AND generous to the poor!

You may notice I have been careful not to give any specific rules. You have to figure out your own rules. (If you are a part of a community, youth group, college or office, they may have the authority to set out a list of rules or guidelines. You’re signing up for that when you join that group.) But the rest of the time, you’re on your own. Apart from the Lord, I mean.

That said, if you’re interested, here are some of my personal rules (changed a LOT over the past 15 years, stabilized somewhat over the past 7 years) I have some friends whose rules are more traditional than mine, and some less. But these are mine:

• Salwar kameezes or kurtas for any kind of outreach in poorer or more traditional areas
• Shorts only in the house or at the beach, or on private holiday, no short shorts or booty shorts
• Sleeveless at certain types of parties (sweater or shrug in church or on bike on the way to party)
• No cleavage ever (yeah, I know, what cleavage?)
• Skirts or dresses not more than a couple of inches above the knee at certain types of parties or weddings (never anything even close to mid-thigh)
• No strappy or strapless ever
• One piece swimsuit with shorts at pool or beach
• Leggings are not pants :-D
• Skinny jeans as long as they aren’t a very thin material or over emphasize my shape. Usually longer shirts with them.
• No tops that would easily show midriff when reaching up high to praise the Lord :-D

Okay, go forth and figure out your wardrobe!

The Bare Naked Truth about Modesty

I’m hardly the first person to write about this, but it seemed like a good idea to write anyway, because most people assume that anyone who talks or cares about modesty also buys into a bunch of lies or half-truths which can be harmful, degrading and counter-productive. ‘Modesty culture’ was big in certain parts of the Christian world in the US, and some of that (good and bad) has come to India too. Because there is so much extremism, the other temptation is to just throw the concept of modesty out the window, and just say ‘Each to his own’ and ‘You go, girl!’ to everyone, and assume that the way we dress or behave is irrelevant to our faith.

So what is the truth? What is an exaggeration or a lie? What is modest really about?

Modesty is not just about the length of your skirt or the depth of your neckline. ‘Modesty protects the intimate center of the person. It means refusing to unveil what should remain hidden…It guides how one looks at others and behaves towards them in conformity with the dignity of persons and their solidarity.’ CCC 2522 It is so much more than a list of rules about one should or should not wear. It is a freedom from needing to flaunt oneself, sell oneself, or treat anyone else as if they are a commodity or a thing to be used either. It means being unassuming, humble, and free from pretension. Both men and women are called to modesty in behaviour and clothing. It is connected with both purity (of intention and gaze)and humility.

Lack of modesty in dress does NOT imply a girl was ‘asking for it’ when she is attacked or treated badly. This is one of the ugliest and most harmful attitudes when it comes to modesty. It sees men as animals unable to control themselves, their eyes, or their thoughts, and women merely as objects of lust. No matter what a woman is wearing, a man can and should be able to control himself. Men have raped women in burqas, nuns, old women, young children. Girls wearing salwar kameezes have been groped and ‘eve-teased’. Again and again, every time an attack on a woman happens, people will search for some way to victim-blame, instead of focussing on the actual culprit.

Modesty or lack of it is NOT an excuse to judge people. We all do it. It’s that look that passes between two women when they see someone inappropriately dressed. Last year I was volunteering at a church that was also a tourist attraction, and saw many young and old women came in wearing clothes that barely covered their behinds. The first thought I would have was “Wow! WHAT was she thinking?” But then I would try to look beyond that. This particular human being had a body given to her by God, and as such was good! No matter what she was wearing, she had an intrinsic dignity, and was owed respect by me just because she was a child of God. Not to mention, even though her clothing seemed inappropriate, I had absolutely no way of judging or knowing her intention in dressing that way. ‘Maybe that’s just what everyone in her world wears. Maybe she is just testing her wings and trying to look attractive. Maybe she in insecure and is mistaking attention for love. Don’t you remember how YOU used to dress when you were an insecure teenager, Sue?” When people who care about modesty judge people dressed immodestly, they too are guilty of objectifying them.

Girls are NOT in charge of keeping guys pure. No one can force someone else to sin. Sure we can tempt them, make it harder for someone, offer them a drink when they’re trying to stay sober, etc., but they STILL have the power to say no. I have heard guys complain about being tempted by the oddest things. When a girl lies down, her shape is more defined, and it’s tempting. When a girl’s bra strap peeks out, it reminds a guy that she wears a bra, and that’s tempting. If a guy sees a girl wearing nightclothes (no matter how modest), it reminds him that.. I don’t know.. she goes to bed? And beds are where one has sex? Good grief. Women who breastfeed in public might flash a glimpse of breast, and that’s tempting. Really? Women are also human beings who feel uncomfortable, hot, are placed in awkward situations, are tired, and are not constantly using their bodies as a source of attraction or attention.

Men (and women) are capable of training themselves to control their thoughts, eyes and imaginations. Even if all Christians adhered to a standard of modesty that everyone agreed on, the rest of the world is STILL going to continue to wear what they want to wear. There are billboards with half naked models, there are wedding guests with tiny dresses, there are women at the beach in bikinis, there are shirtless men riding bikes in the Philippines (that threw me). Should we all gouge our eyes out? Probably not. Sometimes, we may need to avert them. But the real aim is to look at the opposite sex (and indeed all people) with the eyes of Christ. If we start to see human beings as PERSONS, not objects, as brothers and sisters with human dignity, and precious in the eyes of God, it changes our perspective totally. It may be a long process, but it’s possible. I know men who would treat a prostitute with same respect and dignity as an upstanding church member.

That said, women CAN try to make it a little easier, knowing the temptations of some of our brothers. I WOULDN’T offer a drink to someone who is struggling with addiction. I’d try to hide the snacks from someone who is fasting. I know they are committed to a particular course of action, and I want to help them with that. So just out of Christian charity, women can make an effort to dress in a way that would help men see them as a whole person, not just a collection of parts, or an object of lust. Men can try to do the same- don’t go shirtless when you’re swimming, that can be a struggle for many women (well, unless you have a pot belly. Then no one cares).

Not saying immodest dressing = pornography. But both reduce women to objects.

Modesty matters because the way we dress, and speak, and behave is a way we communicate with the world. We are not alone on an island of our own, but exist within a community. (When a girl is home alone, it is not immodest to wander around half-naked.) Even though we WOULD like to think that the way we dress concerns no one but ourselves, in some way our choices do send a message to society at large. Do we ALWAYS need worry about that? No, not always. People can read messages that are unreasonable and quite a leap (that girl was polite to me so she obviously wants me).

That said, the dress of each culture and setting usually has a meaning- a suit equals ‘This is a formal occasion and I acknowledge that’. Wearing jeans to a wedding could send the message that I don’t care about the importance of the occasion. Wearing a skirt to a date might mean that I would like to take a little trouble to look attractive. (You should hear girls discussing the meaning of clothing before they go out to an unfamiliar social setting or date!) Some clothes shout ‘Hey, I’m sexy! Check me out!’ The question is really- what message DO we want to the world, and how does that line up with my values and faith? (That’s something for my next blog post.)

No universal list of modesty rules exists. Well, that’s not true, they may exist, but they shouldn’t. What is immodest in one culture, may be perfectly normal and un-tempting in another. Americans are shocked by women showing their midriffs with their sarees, and many Indians still consider a glimpse of the knee as practically a mini skirt. In some African tribes, bare breasts are the norm, and no one would give them a second glance, but for most of the rest of the world, women covering their breasts is the one unifying modesty standard. I once watched a video of a young Protestant girl giving a talk about modesty. Almost all the women watching the video were outraged, because she had this black and white interpretation of modesty with very specific rules. It’s easy to make rules, until someone else has rules that are even more restricting than your own list. Most Christian women who are all about modesty would most likely hesitate to adopt the burqa. THEN they may say “Welll, it’s all relative.”

Modesty does not mean covering as much skin as possible. Skin in itself is not some sinful and very private part of your body. The aim is not to hide as much of it as possible. Neither is the aim to make sure no one thinks you’re attractive, because if they think you’re attractive, that MAY lead to a lustful thought. God gave women beauty for a reason, not misuse, but to use. Just as we don’t think men should not work out, in case they use their strength to abuse women, we don’t think beauty should be hidden just because it has the ability to be misused. Someone once told me, “If we’re serious about modesty, we would always wear ankle-length skirts.”

That is a faulty view of modesty, and the human body. The temptation to gluttony shouldn’t stop you from enjoying good food. Women, feel free to dress attractively. (Modesty does not mean only skirts or dresses- there can be immodest skirts and modest pants. But that's a whole 'nother internet argument.) Beauty can transform the world.

In conclusion, if you are very concerned about modesty, check yo’ heart, and don’t allow judgment to creep in. If you haven’t been concerned about modesty at all in the past, re-examine why you dress or behave the way you do, and ask God to shine light into the areas you may not have wanted to think much about in the past.

Next: The Modern Catholic Girl’s Guide to Dressing

Adventures in Mexico

Why, yes,  I DID say I was in the US. But you know, a 12 hour car drive later, and what do you know? I'm in Mexico! My organization takes their new trainees on a 3 week trip to Mexico, and we spend our days visiting little old lonely/handicapped/poor Mexican people in their tiny adobe homes, and doing prayer meetings out in the ranchos in the middle of the hills surrounded for miles by nothing but cactus and cold winds. Also eating a lot of fresh, hot tortillas and beans. Yum.

Fun things that happened:

1. I almost got arrested at a police checkpoint on our way back from a rancho, because apparently random Indians with nose-rings driving in a vehicle of Americans in the middle of Mexico is an unusual sight. Also, we had forgotten to carry our passports and visas. Oopsie. I also blame team member V who was driving- he is Mexican- American, and has a man-bun. They sniffed his hands, and smelled my breath (that was a first). We were saved by V's cute 1 and a half year old twins who waved "Ola!"from their car seats to the scary police shining a flashlight at them, and broke the tension.

Didn't see THAT coming, did you, Officer?

2. Our van broke down at a rancho in the middle of Nowhere, Mexico at about 8 pm one cold evening... No phone service, and no repair shops in the tiny community. We prayed for a miracle for our van (our organization sees plenty of those), but it wouldn't start. A chilling mountain wind kept us company as we- V, his wife, D and little twin girls and I, took shelter in the tiny chapel. Most of the people who had attended the prayer meeting eventually made their way home, but two sweet Mexican ladies and seven children wouldn't leave us. "Why is God keeping us here?" I wondered, as I amused myself and the kids with my ipod. And then we found out. After an hour and a half of small talk, one of the ladies timidly asked my team mate V how to read the bible we had just given them. He was thrilled to explain. As soon as he wrapped up his explanation, our Mexican friend came in and said "We fixed it! Time to go!"When you ask for divine appointments...

On our way to the rancho

3. I landed up staying at a (semi-abandoned) decrepit Mexican mansion for two weeks- complete with a courtyard INSIDE the house, in the center of which was a stone fountain, a bathroom big enough for ten people to live in, doors from bedrooms leading to surprise extra living rooms, a garden outside with ORANGE TREES with REAL ORANGES growing on them!! (City girl excitement)

 

4. We went out once a week for a morning of quiet prayer to some of the most beautiful corners of God's creations. Who knew Mexico had spots like these?

5. I also for the first time in my life started the grand adventure of... CROCHETING. I used to visualize myself as a very pregnant wife cozily knitting in the comfort of my living room, maybe thinking that was the only time I would have the luxury of doing nothing else. But you know, time is passing, and why wait? A bunch of my community members, from 10 year old girls to mothers of six all started learning how to crochet, so I thought, "NOW is the acceptable time!"(I always think in bible quotes.) So instead of being a pregnant wife knitting in a living room, I have been a contented bundled up single woman crocheting and soaking up the sun in Mexican courtyard on a wintry day, not to mention crocheting away furiously on a loooong road trip from Mexico to Louisiana. And I love it every bit as much as I thought I would. Dreams do come true.

Yes, I crocheted that.

What Makes You Beautiful

Can you believe that I'm writing about One Direction? Better believe it, baby. I listened to this song and it echoed in my dreams as I took a nap this afternoon, and then sang it non stop while riding my bike on the streets of Pune today... all preparation for this blog post. The sacrifices of writing.

So first listen to the song....


Doesn't it make you want to be a 16 year old boy in a boy band? Or is that just me? Okay, moving on.

So there's some stuff that I think is true, and then there are some lines that don't ring true for me. And because I can, I'm going to write about it on my blog.

So, first the lies.

You're insecure... blah blah blah... that's what makes you beautiful. You don't know you're beautiful... that's what makes you beautiful.

Wait, being insecure makes you beautiful? Girls who have a bad self-image are more beautiful? Well, there's truth and lies all mixed up in that song.

Being insecure does not make you beautiful. Thinking you're ugly does not turn on the Beauty Switch. Usually, quite the opposite. I've seen many pretty girls who DON'T believe that they are, who keep comparing themselves to others and never measure up. And it shows.

What does make someone beautiful? It's all rather confusing. But here's what I think (you don't have to wait long to hear what I think.)

I think when a woman KNOWS that she's beautiful... she looks beautiful. When there is beauty within, she taps into that and it flows to the outside. But then of course I also think knowing you're beautiful is connected with knowing you're loved. When you know someone loves you, you glow. You KNOW that that person thinks your beautiful... and so you are.

I think about women that I've admired, women who I've thought are beautiful, and not just the first time I see them. They are of different ages. Some wear make up, some don't. Some wear fashionable clothes that fit perfectly, some wear simple but pretty clothes. Some wear heels, some wear slippers. Some wear earrings, some don't. Some are loud and funny, some are quiet and unassuming. What do they have in common?

They usually hold themselves well. They have wonderful posture. They are confident and sure of themselves. They know who they are.

They sparkle with self forgetfulness.

They are joyful.

They are looking outside of themselves.

And that's where the song almost gets it right- the women who are not looking inwards obsessed with their own beauty are truly beautiful. Humility, the best makeup. So women who are cocksure (not the right adjective?), who are aware of their power to charm, and are always ready to use it to manipulate, women who say or feel 'I could get any guy I want', women who are constantly thinking about their own beauty... lose it. And you can often see it in their faces. (Although guys often can't.)

I think all women have the potential for beauty. The more they are themselves, the more beautiful they get. The more they allow Love to soften their hearts, the more they glow. The more they love, the more beauty shapes their face, their eyes, their smiles. And the paradox is that when they allow true Beauty to clothe them, they are not thinking that much about it.

I've seen in myself the fascination with my own beauty. You know, when I look at every mirror I pass when I know I'm looking my best, when I wait impatiently for people to upload photos where I know I look good, when I untag myself in pictures that don't make me look good (of which there are many). What, you don't do that? I've had so many bad hair days, acne-ridden awkward days of my youth, that I value every good hair day (and the wonders of conditioning with coconut oil), and clear skin is a joy to my heart.

Speaking of narcissists

And I don't think that's all bad. Beauty is something to take joy in, whether it's in yourself or someone else, or a sunset, or a baby's perfectly formed features, or a beautiful piece of music.

BUT. When beauty turns one to narcissism, then it sours you on the inside.

I don't want to be insecure, unsure about whether I am really beautiful, self-consciously telling the world through my posture and expression 'Nothing to see here'. Neither do I want to be so full of myself that all I see is ME as I worship at the shrine of my own beauty.

I want to know I'm beautiful, and that I'm loved, and then with that confidence to FORGET ABOUT ME and see the beauty in the people around me and love THEM!

I want to be something like this beautiful woman, who knew who she was and Whose she was:

The Virgin in Prayer, Sassoferato

Beauty Is Confusing

So, I guess the whole Internet world has seen the Dove's Real Beauty ads. And everyone's like 'Yay, you're more beautiful than you think!" Except for some people who said, "Why are the majority of the women white, young, and skinny?" And then some of the people were like, "Perfect parody material!"

But the one thing the Dove ads did do for me is to think more about beauty. And the more I thought about beauty, the more questions there were.

Like, is beauty objective or subjective? People say "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." and "Everyone is beautiful". But then, how can one possibly become 'more beautiful', by accentuating one's features with make up, or losing weight, or straightening one's teeth with braces? And yet, that is often our experience, as seen by the MANY makeover movies girls love to watch- Princess Diaries, Miss Congeniality, Sabrina, She's All That, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, etc. Not to mention, our personal experience- get a good (what is 'good' if it's all subjective?) haircut, wear some eye liner, and suddenly guys are checking us out. Why would we call anyone 'gorgeous' if everyone is? You can SAY everyone is beautiful, but your eye is still drawn to a particular face over another.

Beauty: A combination of qualities, such as shape, color, or form, that pleases the aesthetic senses, esp. the sight.

But who defines beauty? Haven't we all bought into beauty-as-defined-by-society? Maybe people are checking us out, because they have been trained by the culture to define beauty in a particular way. Ads, movies, beauty magazines and the people around us all re-affirm this particular perspective of beauty (all. the. time.) The extremely infamous Fair and Lovely cream ads in India make me furious with their equation of beauty with fairness of skin. And I KNOW people have blindly accepted this equation, which is why women bleach their skin or wear thick layers of powder for their weddings (and matrimonial pictures), and matrimonial ads regularly feature the description 'fair, slim, tall'.

But but but.

How does the experience of beauty cross cultures? Haircuts, fashion and body shapes change, but we still talk about 'classic beauty'. Faces that give us pleasure. Faces from different cultures and countries and races and ages, which all seem to have even, symmetrical features. I read about an experiment done with babies, how they spent more time looking at more typically beautiful, symmetrical faces.

But but but.

Is beauty the same as 'physical attractiveness'? Is inner beauty a whole different category? (Funny aside: Years ago I met a girl who had heard from a common friend that I was a 'good sort of person' or 'had a good heart', and she did a double take because she was so sure that had meant I was extremely unattractive.) Is the world divided into 'beautiful' and 'ugly' people? How much does beauty matter? Does being beautiful make us lovable? When women long for beauty, are they really longing to know they are lovable and loved? Has beauty been equated with lovableness for so long that we can't tell the difference? Or is there an innate desire to be beautiful?

And if everyone really is beautiful, why do we prefer to look at certain type of faces? Does it mean WE need to widen our perception of beauty? What about say, (graphic example warning) a girl whose face has been splashed with acid? If we find that unattractive, does that mean we just can't see the beauty of an acid-splashed face? Or acne? Have we bought into society's lies when we try to get rid of it?

Okay, enough questions. Here's what I do believe, even if they're not completely coherent or unified thoughts:

1. Beauty is more than physical. I think it shines from the inside out. A woman who has allowed goodness to transform her soul, who walks with confidence and joy, who knows she is loved... that's beauty, and if we don't see it, that is OUR problem. That is why almost every happy bride is beautiful.

But that also means not everyone is beautiful (though everyone has the potential to be beautiful). You often see people's character shining out of their eyes... for good or for bad. It's hard to see beauty in a cold, hard, proud, spiteful, fearful, or ill-tempered face.

2. We DO need to widen our perceptions of physical beauty, and challenge the perceptions that society forces on us. Dark is beautiful. It's not just okay to be a different body shapes, it's your brand of beauty. The movie industry rarely portrays 'normal' faces. That struck me when I visited the US- I wasn't used to seeing 'normal' American faces after all the Hollywood movies. The ad industry in India also supports a narrow definition of beauty by only using fair actresses. The very few non-fair actresses in Bollywood are so unusual that they are always referred to as 'dusky'. And I've never seen a REALLY dark leading lady in a Bollywood movie. (Fine, I don't watch a lot of Bollywood movies, but still.) We have a variety of different shades of skin in India... why don't we see them on screen?

3. Neglecting our health for the original design of our body often detracts from our beauty. I think everyone has the potential for physical beauty, but they do have to take care of their bodies. That's why we encourage friends to exercise, not because they need to be skinnier, but because they need to be healthier... which is usually more attractive. If someone is born with some deformity, there is nothing wrong with getting it fixed... because it's a DE-formed. It is a problem with the original design. As our souls can be distorted by our bad choices, so can our body change for the worse if we develop unhealthy eating habits, smoke like a chimney pot, or become anorexic.

4. If you really LOOK at people, you will see their beauty. If we see them as more than status symbols, or something to be used, or lusted after, you will begin to see their intrinsic worth, their dignity, their person-hood, their uniqueness, their attractiveness. Look at an old woman. At a beggar. At a mother. At a baby. If you see the WHOLE person, you see beauty. Sometimes all you see is potential beauty. But it is there.

5. Some women are not physically attractive, but that's okay. If we're weighing physical beauty against inner beauty, guess what, inner beauty wins. If you don't think so, you don't count. That's what was wrong with the Dove ad- the women's self worth was defined by some random guy's perception of their beauty. What if the guy or the world DIDN'T thinks she was beautiful? That was definitely within the realm of possibility. What if they HAD looked like the pictures they painted of themselves? Did that make them less valuable? Did that justify a lower self-esteem?

A commenter on one of the blogs I posted below said, "I know that because of certain defects that can happen, either genetic or through health problems, a person might not manifest the physical beauty they were created to manifest, but I do think that each person was created by God to manifest even physical beauty, and we will see the completion/fullness of that in heaven."

6. Women ARE more beautiful than they think they are. That's the only thing I do agree with Dove on. But the deeper answer they need to know is that they are also more valuable than they think they are- and their face and body may reflect that, or they may not, but that does not change that it is true. Neither pregnancy, wrinkles, accidents or sickness can change their priceless worth... to a God that loves them.

Here are some other takes on the topic:

Beauty is Objective
Not Fair
Stop Saying All Women Are Beautiful

Seven Quick Takes 3: Beauty and Good Stories

----1----

So I have come to the conclusion that my blog lacks beauty. I originally decided I didn't want to post pictures, because it's so much easier to post pictures than actually write. I know how tempting it is to post a cheery 'Here you go- A thousand words' to disguise my real message of  'I'm too lazy or sleepy to gather my thoughts and write a real blog post'. But then Grace said she doesn't read blogs without pictures, so I gave up my high-minded principles. Here's beauty (Free haiku included):

Outside my window 

Who would guess

Chaos lies below?

---2---

Something I usually enjoy getting from blogs I read are links to interesting or well-written articles... with a good description that gives me a reson to click on the link. Jennifer Fulwiler often does it, and even has another website completely devoted to links. 

So every now and again, I think I will do the same. Here's the first one- My $3 Lesson in Christianity.

Matthew Archbold doesn't usually write a lot of personal stories. This is an encounter he had with real Christian love at a train station in the South (of America). It's the kind of story you can't stop yourself from describing as 'heartwarming'. A real story, real people, real Christianity. This is where theology stops being something you read about, and something you start living. I wish more Catholics would write like this. I wish I did.

---3---

Speaking of telling good stories, nothing beats reading aloud to a bunch of wide-eyed, fascinated kids. Yup, it was story time with our crazy slum summer club children. I think I would like to be a professional storyteller. It's a little bit like weaving magic spells (you know, the good non-evil type of magic) and drawing children into another world. I love watching their expressions as they unconsciously mimic mine.

Notice all the brown-skinned characters I put in? Why do all our storybooks and fairies and princesses have white skin? Even 'skin colour' in crayon boxes is peach! Not MY skin colour!

---4---

Here's another great story- Stone Soup from Abigail's Alcove.

What do you do when you are out of food, and you're willing to be creative (and humble)? Throw a Stone Soup party, of course! This is an easily readable real life parable, and with a message so apt for people trying to follow Jesus: "I used to think that I had to put on my best thoughts and feelings before I talked to Jesus. Sort of like putting on a nice dress to go to church. I didn't dare talk to Jesus when I was angry, bitter, put out or feeling stepped on...."

"I gave Jesus my smallest, meanest prayer to have a better relationship with Person X," I said. "The poorer the prayer the more He responds with grace and spiritual gifts!"

I'm the queen of small, mean prayers, so I know exactly what she's talking about.

---5---

Okay, more beauty.

This is where I'm heading with my family to escape the summer heat. It's every bit as cool and refreshing and green as it looks. Oh yeah.

---6---

Here's an old favourite- The Story of a Friendship by Jennifer Fulwiler.

Another story about Christianity in real life with a helping of small, mean prayers- and 'the fingerprints of God are all over this situation'. Annoying kids who ring the doorbell as a prank to annoy tired mother. Who'd have thunk God could forge a beautiful friendship out of that?

---7---

What, we aren't done yet? Looks like I'm going to have start using my camera a little more often. Okay, number 7 is for you.

Do you have any favourite stories out there on the world wide web? The ones I've used are stories I saved years ago, and pulled out of my dusty 'Good Reads' folder just for you. Do you have any I can add?

And we're done! Head over to Jennifer's blog for more Quick Takes.