The Modern Catholic Girl’s Guide to Dressing

If you had the patience to get through my last, loong post, you’ll know that I have opinions. About modesty. In brief, modesty may not imply what you think it does. And yes, modesty matters.

 But if you were convinced, it’s still hard to figure out what to wear. Especially since we made the point that there IS no list of modesty rules, and modest differs from culture to culture. Even within the same city, you may be a part of several different cultures- your traditionally Maharashtrian college, your liberal, Westernized family, and your mixed crowd of saree and dress wearing parish attendees. So how on earth can you really decide? Here are some guidelines that may help.

1. Is it appropriate? Some things are fairly obvious. You wear different clothes to church and to a party (or you should anyway). You wear different clothes to a job interview and to go on a trek. You wear different clothes for when you’re lazing around alone at home, and when you have guests at home.Yu could wear a swimsuit at a pool, but not at at a coffee shop. Is it appropriate to the particular occasion you are going to? But still, something might seem appropriate, and still not modest. (I think Gal Gadot in Wonder Woman was appropriately dressed, because she was fighting, and her outfit was meant to make that easy to do. You could see it was not in the least meant to be provocative. Of course when she came to London, she had to find more appropriate, but still attractive clothing.)

2. What is your intention is when you choose something to wear? I remember the years when I just knew that if I ‘borrowed’ my sister’s clothes, I would get far more attention at college than when I dressed in my own clothes. If attention is the only reason you are choosing to wear something, then put it away. Most of us are want to be loved, but we settle for attention instead. Most of us struggle with some form of attention-seeking behaviour or another. Don’t let that unhealthy desire control you!

3. Would most people describe your outfit as sexy or beautiful? I know, I know, most people WANT to be called sexy. But think about this, usually the word ‘sexy’ basically implies ‘I want to have sex with you’. Is that really the message you want to send to the world at large? It’s a great message to send to your husband, so sexy nightwear when you’re married is ‘appropriate’. But what kind of relationship do you want to have with the rest of the world? Can your clothing help them to see you as a beautiful, lovable PERSON? Not just someone to be lusted after, or used?

4. Does it suit you? Okay, this isn’t about modesty, but a great question to ask if you would like to be attractively dressed. You might argue that attractive has the same connotation as sexy, but I will argue right back that it is possible to be attracted to someone’s beauty without lusting after them. You can find pleasure in someone’s appearance in a pure, holy way that corresponds with their dignity as persons. So back to wearing clothes that suit you. If you have a friend whose dress sense you admore, ask them if a particular item of clothing suits you. If it doesn’t, (and you can afford to), give it away. It’s better to have a smaller wardrobe of clothes that suit you, than a large number of clothes that don’t.

5. Do you need to tug at it to keep it modest? If you’re uncomfortable because your neckline is slipping, and your hem is riding up, you are not going to be able to be at ease, confident, calm and yourself. Just get rid of clothes like that. They’re not worth it.

6. Does it fit into the widely accepted local cultural definition of ‘modest’? Oh, this is hard. The most widely accepted local cultural definition of ‘modest’ may very well not fit at all into my ideas of what modest is. I think sleeveless clothes, and a skirt an inch or two above my knee are still fairly modest. And in some contexts that is true. No one would give my outfit a second glance, no one would struggle to control their thoughts, it would just be an appropriate party outfit at most of my family parties or weddings. However, if I were to wear something like that on streets of most of India, I would definitely draw a great many second glances. This one is particularly hard, because who wants their choices to be dictated by the world at large? ‘Let those judgy aunties have a good gossip! Doesn’t bother me.’ Don’t do it for the judgy aunties. Or even for the men who will lust no matter what you are wearing. Do it for the sake of the men who ARE trying to look at women as sisters, not sex objects. Do it for Christ, who asked us to go the extra mile for the sake of the other. When you’re at church, people of a variety of backgrounds and cultures are present. Deny yourself for their sake. What are we willing to do for Christ? Give up some aspect of our culture for the sake of bringing the Gospel to all? In some ways, if we are representing Christ, we need to hold ourselves to a higher standard of modesty. It’s a pain sometimes, but it’s worth it.

7. Do you have a friend also committed to modesty? Humble yourself to ask her when you’re not sure. It’s easy for me to let my own standards slip, but if I’m willing to ask someone, it means I’m willing to open myself to input from the Lord. Be open to the gentle feedback of those who love you and trying to help you walk with the Lord.

8. Does your wardrobe have a few sets of modest, fun, and attractive outfits? Half the battle is making sure you have modest options. Go shopping if you need to, ask for recommendations of places to shop. Most times that I wore immodest clothes in my distant youth, it was because I didn’t have any good options. Find something that can be ‘your style’, ask your more fashionable friends for advice if you’re as lost as I often was. Accessorize! (My sister is laughing as she read this, because I never accessorize, I’m too lazy.) Check out Verily for fashion tips that don't have to be immodest.

9. Have you prayed about it? Pray, discern, and get rid of any clothes that the Lord convicts you to: A modern interpretation of ‘If you eye causes you to sin, pluck it out.’

10. Do you have a clothes budget? Don’t waste too much money on clothes or shoes: It is possible to slowly build your wardrobe, economically, and with humility if you’re open to second hand clothes (I am! That’s where all my cute clothes come from). Brands aren’t that important. You probably don’t need 20 outfits and 10 pairs of shoes. You can be cute, economical AND generous to the poor!

You may notice I have been careful not to give any specific rules. You have to figure out your own rules. (If you are a part of a community, youth group, college or office, they may have the authority to set out a list of rules or guidelines. You’re signing up for that when you join that group.) But the rest of the time, you’re on your own. Apart from the Lord, I mean.

That said, if you’re interested, here are some of my personal rules (changed a LOT over the past 15 years, stabilized somewhat over the past 7 years) I have some friends whose rules are more traditional than mine, and some less. But these are mine:

• Salwar kameezes or kurtas for any kind of outreach in poorer or more traditional areas
• Shorts only in the house or at the beach, or on private holiday, no short shorts or booty shorts
• Sleeveless at certain types of parties (sweater or shrug in church or on bike on the way to party)
• No cleavage ever (yeah, I know, what cleavage?)
• Skirts or dresses not more than a couple of inches above the knee at certain types of parties or weddings (never anything even close to mid-thigh)
• No strappy or strapless ever
• One piece swimsuit with shorts at pool or beach
• Leggings are not pants :-D
• Skinny jeans as long as they aren’t a very thin material or over emphasize my shape. Usually longer shirts with them.
• No tops that would easily show midriff when reaching up high to praise the Lord :-D

Okay, go forth and figure out your wardrobe!