Continuing the Stages of a Relationship series.
Stage 1: Fall in Love with Jesus
Stage 2: The Search
Stage 3: The 'Talking' Stage
Stage Four: The Dating Stage
At some point, someone has to get to the point. Guys, be bold! Don't drift! Take the initiative and say, "Hey, I would love to get to know you better, and see if the Lord has something more for the two of us. Can I take you out for coffee sometime?" Girls, feel free to ask what's going on if it's dragging on too long.
- PLEASE keep in mind that going on a date is not equal to proposing or accepting marriage. Girls, if a guy asks you out, it doesn't mean he's madly in love with you. Guys, if a girl says yes, she is just saying, "Yeah, you seem nice. Let's see if there's something here."
- When you go on a date, be real, be yourself and don't feel the need to be anything or anyone else. If the other person doesn't like the real you, great, you've weeded out the wrong ones.
- If you're a little nervous about going on a date, look up some good conversational starters and date questions. Ask good questions, most people love to talk about themselves and it gives you a glimpse of who they are.
- Remember that it's a conversation, not a monologue! If you find yourself going on and on, stop and say, "Sorry, I'm talking too much.. Would YOU rather die by drowning or being buried alive?" (the 'would you rather' game, always a winner :))
- You don't need to spend the whole date figuring out if you've found 'the one' or if you have romantic feelings for this person. You just need to figure out if you like this person enough to want to meet them again. That was the best advice I received about first dates. A friend told me, "When you go on a date, it's either a yes, a no, or a maybe. If it's a maybe, go on another date, and another until it becomes clear." When I met my (now) fiancé, we got on like a house on fire, it was super-easy to talk to him and be myself with him. I didn't know if there was anything more yet, but I knew I wanted to see him again. And so we planned another date.
- Be clear about where you are. After I went on both my Catholic Match dates, the guys texted the next day to ask, "So, what do you think? Would you like to meet again?" I was very grateful that they asked so directly, and I was able to respond as directly (while trying to be gentle), "I don't really see this going anywhere, but thank you for asking me out and coming all the way to meet me." With my now-fiancé, I told him, "I don't know for sure if this is going anywhere yet, but I'd like to continue going on dates, so we can get to know each other better." He told me to take my time until I was sure, so that's what we continued doing for a month.
- Going on dates is not the same as being in a relationship. But you need to have honest conversations so that you both understand that. Unfortunately in India we don't always have a common understanding about these things, or we are used to a system where our parents or a third party has those hard conversations. But I think that's something Indians can afford to grow in - having direct conversations about the things that matter, and avoiding misunderstandings and hurt feelings. It is a way to treat the other person with respect.
- Casual dating is a good place to ask deeper questions, to find out where the other person stands on the things that matter the most to you. But it's also a good place to have fun together, to see if you actually like spending time together. This is probably NOT a good time to be too intimate though, because this is still an uncommitted time, and this person still may be just a person you once dated. You don't need to talk about love, hold hands or get ahead of the stage you are at.
- Important tip to people who take themselves too seriously - please don't forget to be lighthearted, kid around, flirt and pay compliments. This is not a set of serious job interviews you have to get through. You want to see if you can fall in love with each other, and that's part of figuring that out.
- The casual dating stage is not purposeless or random. The point is to see if you are interested enough to want to seriously discern marriage with this person. That means at a certain point you need to decide if you want to enter the next stage.
Stage 5: Intentional Discernment or Courtship
Related Reading
On Vocations, Discernment and Asking Girls on Dates
The Lost Art of Listening
Stage 1: Fall in Love with Jesus
Stage 2: The Search
Stage 3: The 'Talking' Stage
Stage Four: The Dating Stage
At some point, someone has to get to the point. Guys, be bold! Don't drift! Take the initiative and say, "Hey, I would love to get to know you better, and see if the Lord has something more for the two of us. Can I take you out for coffee sometime?" Girls, feel free to ask what's going on if it's dragging on too long.
- PLEASE keep in mind that going on a date is not equal to proposing or accepting marriage. Girls, if a guy asks you out, it doesn't mean he's madly in love with you. Guys, if a girl says yes, she is just saying, "Yeah, you seem nice. Let's see if there's something here."
Don't do that
- When you go on a date, be real, be yourself and don't feel the need to be anything or anyone else. If the other person doesn't like the real you, great, you've weeded out the wrong ones.
- If you're a little nervous about going on a date, look up some good conversational starters and date questions. Ask good questions, most people love to talk about themselves and it gives you a glimpse of who they are.
- Remember that it's a conversation, not a monologue! If you find yourself going on and on, stop and say, "Sorry, I'm talking too much.. Would YOU rather die by drowning or being buried alive?" (the 'would you rather' game, always a winner :))
- You don't need to spend the whole date figuring out if you've found 'the one' or if you have romantic feelings for this person. You just need to figure out if you like this person enough to want to meet them again. That was the best advice I received about first dates. A friend told me, "When you go on a date, it's either a yes, a no, or a maybe. If it's a maybe, go on another date, and another until it becomes clear." When I met my (now) fiancé, we got on like a house on fire, it was super-easy to talk to him and be myself with him. I didn't know if there was anything more yet, but I knew I wanted to see him again. And so we planned another date.
- Be clear about where you are. After I went on both my Catholic Match dates, the guys texted the next day to ask, "So, what do you think? Would you like to meet again?" I was very grateful that they asked so directly, and I was able to respond as directly (while trying to be gentle), "I don't really see this going anywhere, but thank you for asking me out and coming all the way to meet me." With my now-fiancé, I told him, "I don't know for sure if this is going anywhere yet, but I'd like to continue going on dates, so we can get to know each other better." He told me to take my time until I was sure, so that's what we continued doing for a month.
- Going on dates is not the same as being in a relationship. But you need to have honest conversations so that you both understand that. Unfortunately in India we don't always have a common understanding about these things, or we are used to a system where our parents or a third party has those hard conversations. But I think that's something Indians can afford to grow in - having direct conversations about the things that matter, and avoiding misunderstandings and hurt feelings. It is a way to treat the other person with respect.
- Casual dating is a good place to ask deeper questions, to find out where the other person stands on the things that matter the most to you. But it's also a good place to have fun together, to see if you actually like spending time together. This is probably NOT a good time to be too intimate though, because this is still an uncommitted time, and this person still may be just a person you once dated. You don't need to talk about love, hold hands or get ahead of the stage you are at.
- Important tip to people who take themselves too seriously - please don't forget to be lighthearted, kid around, flirt and pay compliments. This is not a set of serious job interviews you have to get through. You want to see if you can fall in love with each other, and that's part of figuring that out.
- The casual dating stage is not purposeless or random. The point is to see if you are interested enough to want to seriously discern marriage with this person. That means at a certain point you need to decide if you want to enter the next stage.
Stage 5: Intentional Discernment or Courtship
Related Reading
On Vocations, Discernment and Asking Girls on Dates
The Lost Art of Listening
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