Pregnant Thoughts - Part Two

Some years ago a friend serving in the Philippines was telling another friend and me how she had helped a poor mother give birth to twins in her bamboo shack in a squatters’ hilly settlement. “We delivered the twins, but we had to take them to the hospital, so we just wrapped them up, didn’t even cut the cord, and climbed the narrow hilly paths, babies in arms, to get to the main road.”

My friend and I gaped in astonishment. How did that even work? Where was the mother? We visualized the babies and mother attached by the cord wandering up and down the hills. That was the moment when we both found out we had the misconception that the umbilical cord of the baby was attached directly to the mother’s uterus, instead of the placenta, and neither of us had any idea that the placenta or ‘afterbirth’ got detached from the uterus and was delivered after the babies were.

It’s kind of embarrassing to admit my ignorance, and yet I realize that I probably have a lot more basic knowledge about childbirth JUST from all the books I’ve read through the years, and there are probably many women who have far less idea of the details of pregnancy and childbirth, and how it all works. I guess most just get a hodgepodge of guidance and information from the older women of their families, fact and experience mixed with superstition and tradition (for example, I was told not to cross my legs during pregnancy).

I’m grateful for apps like Ovia pregnancy which gave me week by week updates on the baby’s development, and my own expected physical and hormonal changes. I also was lent a book called ‘Made for This: The Catholic Mom’s Guide to Birth’ which among other things gives a detailed description of what exactly happens during childbirth. One of the things the author talks about is how a woman’s body is made to nurture life, even without our conscious participation, which was a relief to hear because I kept thinking I didn't know what the heck I was doing, and feeling overwhelmed and under-prepared.

I remember thinking during the first trimester how uncomfortable and weird I felt, not like myself at all, and how even though I had grown up with the understanding and celebration of the fact that marriage, sex, pregnancy and babies all naturally were supposed to go together, that I could understand why so many women think of pregnancy as some kind of cruel trick of nature, an unpleasant aspect of being a woman, and spend most of their lives trying to avoid pregnancy.

The other extreme were women who told me, “This (pregnancy) is the best time of your life! Enjoy it!” Really? Constant acidity and indigestion, exhaustion, depression, inability to get anything done, needing to pee all the time, my body changing and becoming unfamiliar, and a host of other uncomfortable symptoms- this was supposed to be the best time of my life?

I think we need to prepare young women (and men) from an early age to think of pregnancy and childbirth as a normal part of life, not something weird or icky or horrible or to be avoided at all costs. In fact, a beautiful (if painful) gift, a kind of fruitful suffering that we can embrace instead of resent. But such a perspective works when we fit it into a larger worldview that doesn’t see comfort and avoidance of suffering as the ultimate good. It also comes from being educated about our own bodies and fertility, and seeing our bodies as GOOD.

On the whole, I’ve experienced Indian culture to be very supportive of pregnant women- people keep offering to bring me food (unfortunately COVID lockdowns has prevented them from being able to do so), most people seem very excited to hear that I’m having a baby, traffic stops for me on the street, and my husband gets asked more about me than about himself by people I don’t even know.

I wonder though whether that support and approval is because it’s a first baby, and whether disapproval would take its place if it was my fourth or fifth baby. But mums probably need even more help and care with multiple kids. The number doesn’t decrease the value and importance of each child. I often think in awe of my mum who had five, my aunt who had seven, and the many years they spent pregnant. In the midst of first trimester horribleness, I could easily imagine saying “Ugh, never again.” And much more so during the actual delivery. And yet they said yes again and again, and my siblings and cousins and I are grateful for the gift of our lives.

Different families have different situations - many would have had more kids if they could, there are probably many who couldn’t afford to have more than two. But there are also probably many who never thought that maybe God had another precious gift to entrust to them, if only they were willing to receive it. I am so impressed by someone I know here in my new city who had three kids aged 15 to 23, and then unexpectedly conceived another child. She and her husband and family welcomed the baby with joy. Life with God is a wonderful adventure, with twists and turns, and surprises around every corner... if only we will trust Him and let go of our plans and control.

Anyway, that’s a lot of deep thoughts that comes with third trimester insomnia (wrote this at 4 am last night). Here are some more practical tips and thoughts-

Pregnancy pillow - hadn’t ever heard of it, until my sister-in-law lent it to me, but it has been a game-changer after many uncomfortable nights as my tummy got bigger and I just couldn’t get comfortable. The more pillows, the better! Invest in or borrow a pregnancy pillow! They’re so comfortable, even my husband wants one now 😄

When you're up with pregnancy insomnia at 3 am, look up 'pregnancy memes', nothing like stifling giggles so your husband doesn't wake up as you realize you're not the only one.

Pregnancy brain and clumsiness is a thing, so cut yourself some slack. I started bumping into things and breaking things for the first time since childhood (when, fun fact, I used to be known as Calamity Jane because I couldn't put my hand in a glass cabinet without breaking something). I dropped a glass of juice, it shattered, and I burst into tears, so my husband told me to stand back as he cleared it up and comforted me. Now he tells me to be careful every time he sees me holding a knife. And the next time he found a broken glass, he asked me, "Did you cry?" :-D

Don’t drink alcohol even if you MAY get pregnant. No one told me this, but apparently even a little bit of alcohol at conception or early pregnancy could hurt the baby’s development, and I had a nice glass of Bailey’s a few days before I realized I was pregnant, and beat myself up about it for a while. The baby seems fine though, but I wish I had known that before. And if you smoke, you’ll need to quit months before you conceive.

An app I highly recommend for all women, married or single, is FEMM, which basically helps you keep track of your menstrual cycle, and know when you’re fertile. My sister convinced me to start using it long before I was married or even dating, and I’m glad she did! I’m surprised at how many women don’t know how their body works. I read somewhere about a woman who would not have sex with her husband on her fertile days, because she thought the mucus was a sign of an infection... and then she wondered why they weren’t getting pregnant! The app is also very helpful in practising Natural Family Planning, if you need to delay a pregnancy by avoiding sex on fertile days.

Get tested for infections before you get married. Even if you’ve never been sexually active, there are other infections that you can easily pick up without realizing it that can harm your unborn baby. I had never heard of any of these until I was already pregnant, and was sent to do various tests. If you do have an active infection, avoid pregnancy until it clears up.

Even if your baby IS at risk for physical or mental disabilities does NOT mean you need to abort! Apparently many doctors present this as an obvious choice or recommendation, as if you are shopping for a product and have to discard potentially ‘defective’ products. That baby already exists, already belongs to you, is a part of you, and God will give you the grace to love and care for your baby, even with special needs. It’s probably a good idea to talk about those possibilities with your spouse... even before you get married.

We have often referred to the pregnancy as 'our pregnancy'or 'when WE got pregnant'. That's because we see it as a joint effort. Talk to your husbands about how you need them to support you during this time, because their involvement, empathy and support can make a huge difference to a peaceful pregnancy.

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” Jeremiah 1: 5

Before I was born the Lord called me; from my mother’s womb he has spoken my name. Isaiah 49: 1

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Pregnant Thoughts - Part 1

I often think twice about sharing publicly about my experiences of pregnancy. Not for the typical Indian reasons (I’ve heard people are afraid of being cursed by jealous or malicious onlookers? Or they don’t want to have to admit to the pain of miscarriage if they lose the baby). But the reason for my second thoughts is because I know there are so many who are longing for babies themselves, and it may be a source of great pain to them to hear the raptures of yet another pregnant mama. And yet, I remember rejoicing over my friends getting married when I was mourning my own loneliness. Somehow these two realities coexist.

I’ve been around a lot of pregnant women. And yet somehow there were a lot of pregnancy surprises. I had no idea, for example, that acidity and indigestion would become a daily occurrence for the first time in my life, practically from the first month. Or that my body would start changing almost immediately. Or that I could feel the baby’s movements from halfway through the pregnancy and not just at the end. I didn’t realize that part of the first trimester struggles was not just physical exhaustion but emotional lows too. I’d sleep for hours during the day and then lie in bed feeling depressed and overwhelmed by my dirty house and because I wasn’t doing anything productive (I thought). I was reminded by another young mum that making a baby is the most productive and creative work I could ever do.

The good news was I didn’t have first trimester nausea (only threw up once, on Christmas morning, a few minutes into Christmas Mass, at my in-law’s village church, probably because I was wearing a tight saree blouse.. I had to rush out, threw up in the church compound and got taken home by my husband. Did I become the talk of the town? I still don’t know.) Also, once the second trimester started, I realized that a lot of my sad thoughts and outlook on life went away, which is when I realized that my hormones had been playing cruel tricks with my emotions.

I realized how privileged I am (yet again) as other mothers, old and young, told me their pregnancy experiences- living in a joint family and expected to continue doing household chores while fighting nausea and exhaustion; or throwing up early in the morning and then leaving for work; or apparently two generations ago , working in the fields while pregnant, giving birth, and then getting back up to work in the fields the same day. I on the other hand got to stay home all of my pregnancy, the part time work I do is all online and flexible, and I have an accommodating and supportive husband who not only lets me moan to him about every tiny discomfort I’m feeling, but would cook when I couldn’t, or run to the store (pre-COVID) to buy mountains of junk food when I demanded it (please don’t ask how many packets of chilli limon potato chips I ate a few months ago).

I’ve been thinking more about ‘my body, my choice’ of late, and the tragedy of abortion. Never before has it been so obvious that this is not MY body - there is another body inside my body, that squirms and hiccups and kicks and jerks, regardless of me. It’s so crazy and yet so cool... a tiny human being growing inside me. I can hardly grasp it. So I occasionally google pictures of ‘baby in mother’s womb 31 weeks’ etc so I can try to wrap my mind around this reality and miracle hidden by a big tummy.

My husband and I both feel a desire to one day be involved in a pro-life ministry, providing support and encouragement and resources to women going through crisis pregnancies, creating more awareness of the truth and beauty of the life and personhood of these tiny, vulnerable human beings, and perhaps creating an easily accessible network of resources including healing retreats for post-abortive women. I’m sure there are Catholics (especially religious sisters) who do help women in need, but there is so little awareness and so much shame involved that I’m not surprised abortion is as common as it is.

I recall a correspondence I had with a self-professed religious Catholic woman who was not on board with my pro-life stance. She said ‘Of course, children are a gift from God, and that is why most of the time they are referred to as Angels. But would you consider the child borne due to a rape to be the same? I would term this as an unexpected pregnancy and would leave it to the woman to decide what she would like to do with her body. This is not anyone’s place to judge.’

Unwanted or longed for, unexpected or eagerly awaited, with special physical or mental needs or perfectly healthy, the result of a happy marriage or a traumatic rape, a baby is a BABY and deserves to be loved and cared for, not discarded. Our job is to love and help BOTH mama and baby when they need it most.

I have more thoughts, which is why I’m going to write a Part 2.

The 'Am I a Racist?' Test for Indians

“I’m Indian! I’m brown! I can’t be racist!”

Oh, no?

Do you think fairer people are objectively more attractive? Have you complimented someone’s looks by referring to how fair they are, or how they look like (white) foreigners? Do you often comment on your own or others’ skin tone changes after being in the sun? Do you tell people to cover up so they don't get darker? Do you wear socks and gloves and long sleeves when you go out in the sun because you're afraid of getting darker? Do you think ‘fair North Indians’ are more ‘beautiful’ than ‘dark South Indians?’

How often do you see Indian couples with very different skin tones? Does it surprise you when you do? Do you think it's natural that someone who is darker is less likely to find a spouse easily? Do you think it's natural that a fairer skinned applicant would be preferred in many jobs? Have you noticed fairer kids in school are treated better by the teachers than darker-skinned kids?

Do you feel bad for parents when their new baby has a darker skin tone? Have you seen siblings treated a little differently because one is darker and the other fairer? Have you ever comfortingly told someone that they’re also fair? Not that dark comparatively? Have you ever heard kids use nicknames based on the darkness of someone’s skin? Have you used nicknames like that? Have you ever felt instinctively that darker-skinned people are 'dirtier', and shied away from touching them?

Have you ever felt the lack of dark skinned dolls? Or thought it was normal to colour skin with what is called 'skin colour' but which is really pinky-peach? Have you ever encouraged kids to colour pictures of themselves with their actual skin colour- usually brown?

Do you instinctively trust someone who is fairer, or assume they must be educated and privileged? Do you look with suspicion at darker strangers? Do you use fairness products and get your own skin bleached? Do you think it’s normal for brides to look five shades fairer on their wedding day? Are you more likely to be respectful and accepting of white foreigners than black foreigners? African students in India have shared many horrible experiences at the hands of locals. But white foreigners are usually treated like royalty.

Have you noticed how often billboard advertisements for everything from housing societies to hospitals to schools feature families of white foreigners instead of Indians? And when they do feature Indians they are very fair too? Most movies and ads use fairer skinned actors and models. It’s extremely rare to see even medium brown skin on a main character, let alone really dark skin.

We are all the product of the prejudices of our society, of our families, of the people around us, of the media we consume and are exposed to. Biases don’t automatically go away unless we acknowledge them and work on allowing the truth into our minds and hearts. It’s not only skin colour. It's weight, height, and clothes. It’s subconscious biases based on education, community (aka caste), religion, language, and wealth. It's every time we refer to an entire group as ‘those people’. It’s easier to see it when other people are doing it. But self-examination is far more fruitful than pointing fingers and feeling self-righteous.

Sometimes when I work with kids, I’ve had these kinds of conversations: “Which is better? Dark skin or fair skin?” If they know me well, they hesitate, knowing that the obvious answer may not be right. Sometimes they’ll answer the obvious answer: “Fair skin!”

“Why is fair skin better? Did you know God made people all over the world with different colours?”

I show them pictures. “Do you think God loves some more than others? Or he made a mistake? No! He gave each one their own skin colour because he thinks they’re ALL beautiful! Now we just have to look at people the way God looks at them!”

Then we look at babies of different ethnicities and skin tones and say “Wow! So cute!” to all of them. “He thinks you are beautiful too! And your skin colour is lovely!” They look at their arms in surprise. You can see the slow change of perspective. It will probably take a while. But we must start somewhere. Preferably with ourselves and our own families.

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What COVID-19, Seeking a Spouse and Discipleship Have in Common

A surprising wedding, marriage and spouse

I started a matchmaking service a few months ago. It was something I had been thinking about for quite a while, largely because of the many years I had spent single and rarely encountering the kind of man I was looking for. 'There have GOT to be more disciples out there!'

Well, I met my spouse unexpectedly - not through a matchmaking agency, not through a set-up, not in my mission organization, but at a youth retreat that my team was speaking at. Neither he nor I were 'youth', but in our thirties, and he just happened to be there as one of the youth leaders of their community.

There were so many unlikely aspects of our relationship and eventual marriage. Though we both loved Jesus and the Church, and had been formed in the Charismatic renewal, he came from a very different culture than mine, and it was quite a surprise to his family that he was seriously pursuing someone so far removed from their world. Marrying him meant leaving my home base in Pune, and moving to the small-town world of Vasai, where most people prefer to speak Marathi (and his family speaks a dialect of that called Kadodi), and have a different set of traditions, expectations and relationships than I am used to. We both made adjustments to each other, and our families had to do the same. No one got exactly what they wanted, especially with the wedding. Also, he is FAR more educationally qualified, we're from completely different fields, and even our personalities are quite different. If I had just looked at his profile, and seen his Myers-Briggs personality type, I would have not expected us to get along at all. Almost no one who knew both him and me thought of setting us up. And yet, after just one conversation, I could see there was something there, and after a few short months, I knew I wanted to marry him. There were many questions about the future, but I felt sure about him, and about the Lord.

I felt sure - God would provide. God would work it out. God was enough. And He did, and He was.

So what's this got to do with COVID-19, seeking a spouse and discipleship?

One of the big lessons that God has taught me over the years is the lesson of detachment from my own will, letting go of control, abandoning myself to divine providence and being open to God's surprises. 

Practically it meant not holding on to ANYTHING more than God's will for me. Missionary life stripped away many of my comforts and preferences. Living in a foreign country and working closely with other people meant things often didn't go the way I expected them to or planned them to. I like having a plan. I like having control, because then I can ensure a particular outcome (in which my comfort is a priority).

But that illusion of control was stripped away pretty soon. Everything was often crazy. When that happened, I had two choices - frustration or abandonment. Of course I chose frustration. I used to get mad and frustrated about so many things - meetings we were expected to go to that went on forever, team members who were late for everything, leaders who failed me, ministries that didn't work out, people who made bad decisions that affected me, so many factors that made my life less than perfect.

It took a while, but FINALLY I began to learn to let go. People weren't perfect, situations weren't perfect, I didn't always have everything I thought I needed, and yet, and yet... there was peace. I learned to go with the flow, to see God's hand in the unfamiliar and unexpected, to seek His will when doors closed or obstacles came up. I loosened my grip on the reins. And I began to see fruit in my own life and the people around me. I would never exchange the gifts I received in the painful but transforming years as a foreign missionary.

A few months ago COVID-19 came and upended our world with its surprising and scary influence. No one has escaped their lives being affected. For some, it has been a matter of life and death, for others, it's been an inconvenience, isolation, a change in schedule and a limiting of our freedom and preferences. For many, it has serious potential consequences, affecting their careers and incomes, their family's health and education. Many have lost relatives. Anyone in essential services, especially healthcare professionals, have entered a world of higher risk.

I'm having a baby in less than three months. My husband is a doctor who still has to go to the hospital every day, and come in contact with patients (so much for physical distancing for us). The hospital where we plan to deliver is in Mumbai, one of the worst hit of the COVID hotspots. My parents who I hope will be there with me live in Pune which has also been badly hit. This is not exactly how I imagined my first delivery, or even my first year of marriage.

And yet, there is peace. God will provide. God will work it out. God is enough.

COVID-19 is an opportunity for all of us to give up the illusion of control. We are NOT in control. We do our best to keep our lives secure, but really our lives and this world are fragile, and everything that is normal to us can be swept away in the blink of an eye, with or without COVID-19. So we may as well let go of the anxiety and frustration.

God will provide. God will work it out. God is enough.

For my matchmaking candidates, I've been hitting some unexpected walls. The basis of this matchmaking service is a common faith and discipleship. Even with different personalities and ages and backgrounds, I hoped that there would be many good conversations between potential matches, opportunities to meet and get to know people with the same foundation, and see if there's something more.

But I find many people come in with preconceived ideas, with their hands firmly on the reins, with a very specific idea of what they are and aren't open to. That's not always a bad thing. It's good to know what you want. But with too many conditions, too much desire for control, too much value on self-protection and self-preservation, they will not even talk once to a potential match for reasons that seem to me to be more about externals than the persons themselves. Character matters, externals less so.

Discipleship means being OPEN to God's surprises, letting go of our need to control everything, and having an iron-clad list of what will and won't make us happy. We THINK we'll be happy in our comfort zones, but God knows us better, and we have to be willing to give Him a chance. If I hadn't learned that lesson, I would not have been able to receive the gift of my husband and baby and new life and adventure together.

God is surprising. Life with God is a beautiful adventure. But the cost of the adventure is letting go of OUR plans and OUR lists, and letting Him write the story. Like Saint John Paul said, "Be not afraid!"

God will provide. God will work it out. God is enough.

P.S. If any of my matchmaking candidates read this, please say yes to talking to someone before deciding you're not interested!

On Husbands Making Chapatis

Today as usual I woke up late (the effect of another late night + pregnancy tiredness) and started off my day with a few tasks around the house, and then coffee and my phone. Joel left for the hospital late morning after kissing me goodbye as usual.

I was going to have my prayer time after that, but decided to cook lunch first and get it over with as it was late. I made dal, roasted eggplant (baingan bartha) and chapati dough, and washed some dishes as the sweat rolled down my body.

Just as I finished, made myself some cold mango milkshake, and was about to sit down in my cool bedroom, Joel returned home. Any other Indian housewife would have immediately jumped back up, started making hot-hot chapatis, and served their husband lunch. However I asked Joel if he’d mind if we sat for a little while as I was tired and had just finished cooking.

So we sat in our bedroom, talked about his morning at the hospital and random bits of news from our social media feeds.

Then I asked him, “Any chance you want to make chapatis? I started making them, but some more have to be made.”

“Sure, is the dough ready?”

“Yes, everything is ready on the counter.”

“You should have told me as soon as I came in, I would have made them.”

So for fifteen minutes as he was in the kitchen making chapatis, I lay in my bed typing out a blog post.

We talk about this a lot - how apparently even nowadays many Indian men think that it’s their wife’s job to serve them constantly and take care of all the household tasks. If they do anything around the house, they’re ‘helping’ her, as if they both didn’t live in the home. We see ourselves as partners, as team mates, and we divide the jobs to be done at home. When I cook, he does dishes, and vice versa. We both clear up after a meal. He cleans the bathrooms, and I sweep and mop (both not as often as we should). We both do laundry. He takes the trash out, and I make the bed. He works at the hospital and I work part time from home, so we both have other work we need to prioritize too. But we are both trying to serve each other by taking care of our home and each other. We're still figuring out all the other extra tasks, and we have a baby on the way, so things will get harder and more complicated in a few months. But we've started well.

Why is this so unusual? I think it's a variety of reasons - men have seen their dads come home, sit down with a newspaper, and their mums remain working non-stop (in and out of the home). Women have seen their mums never ask for anything for themselves, rarely have any leisure time, and assume that's normal. Perhaps they wonder if they're selfish for expecting their husbands to do more. I think many women also LIKE being the queens of their household, and being the only ones who know how to do everything and have everyone else need them. Maybe they also like to have everything done perfectly and their way, and it's just easier if you do it all yourself, right?

Sometimes the men's excuse is "I don't know how to cook." Like women, you too are capable of learning! All it takes is willingness to ask... or even google it!

People joke about men being expected to be thanked and praised every time they do anything in the house. But I think it's good for every member of the house to be acknowledged and appreciated for their acts of service. My mum (and dad) trained us to thank her and say something nice about the food she set before us every day.

Especially for Christians whose God said "I came not to be served but to serve", we are ALL called to be servants of one another... not just women of men. A Christ-centred marriage and family is one where we are willing to look out for each other's needs, but also call each other on when we are not living out our call to serve. This goes for children too.

Parents, please train your sons and daughters to serve, and not just be served. Start early, appreciate their efforts, and teach them to take joy in knowing how to take care of themselves and others, whether by cooking a hot meal, doing dishes, cleaning the kitchen, cleaning bathrooms, or keeping the house and personal stuff organized and neat. It doesn't have to be an unpleasant experience, as long as they feel appreciated. But let them experience the consequences if they just WILL. NOT. TRY. ('If anyone is not willing to work, let him not eat.' 2 Thess 3:10)  Husbands and sons, if you don't know where to start, ask your wife/mother to list all the chores she does throughout the day, and then take some off her list. And let's all stop making jokes about how inept and useless men are at home.

If each one takes on this mission of service in the home, there will be far less nagging and resentment, and passive-aggressive behavior, and far more joy in shared familial life.

What has been your experience of who does household chores and cooking at home?

Can God Protect Us From a Pandemic? And Other Tough Questions about God and COVID-19

To all those religious people out there, this is a no-brainer. Of course He can! Isn't He a Protector? Isn't that what Psalm 91 is written for? What better refuge have we than our mighty God?

But for those who are rationalists, it's not such an easy answer.

If God CAN protect us from a pandemic, why are so many people dying? Why doesn't He just stop it with one word? 'THUS FAR, AND NO FARTHER!' That's what we want Him to say, so why won't He? Doesn't He care about the suffering of our world?

Or could this be a test of faith, a call to repentance, and a chance for those who believe in Him to experience miracles?

Again, a question with complicated answers. If it WAS, then are we assuming all those who suffered and died din't have faith? Or didn't have enough faith? They didn't ask for miracles?

Well then maybe He CAN'T do anything about it. But then how can He be God, the ALL-powerful? Is our religion just a coping mechanism, something to help us face a cruel, meaningless, random world, and are all the atheists right? Is this all there is?

Tough questions, right? Let's all become agnostics.

Or let's not.

Something in us recognizes that chaos and suffering is not normal, not the way things were supposed to be. Something in us is drawn to goodness, to order, to harmony. Something in us longs for a Good, greater than all goods we have known in this world. That Ultimate Good is God, not just a force, or an energy, but a Person who revealed Himself by entering into our world. Jesus is the the face of God, the proof that God not only exists, but cares about His creatures.

Some of us have experienced that personally, through answered prayers, supernatural encounters with God's presence, or breakthroughs and conversions in ourselves and our families.

But still, confronted with the widespread suffering in this world, we cannot but ask: "Where are You, Lord? Where is Your goodness and Your power now, when we need it most? Why would you allow this to happen anyway?"

I answered some of these questions when Nepal was slammed with destructive earthquakes in 2015: Where was God when the Earthquake hit Nepal? 

We can't know or understand everything, but there are some things that we can hold on to:

1. God is not a vengeful judge who sends suffering as a punishment. While suffering, sin and disorder entered our world as a natural consequence of man's broken relationship with God, His response as a loving Father is to help us, to draw near to those who are crushed and broken in spirit. Why would He send a punishment that disproportionately hurts the poor and weak and old?

2. God does not SEND suffering, but He does permit it for a time: We don't have some ready-made answers for WHY He does so, but we are invited to trust that He would only allow temporary suffering because He could draw some eternal fruit from it. Every event in our life is an opportunity to turn to God, and allow ourselves to be transformed by Him. This pandemic can be too. Every disaster is a reminder that our lives on earth are temporary, and we must prepare for our deaths.

3. God promises to draw near to all who call on Him: We can choose whether we allow God into our suffering, into our fear, into our insecurity, into our need, into our loss. Many have testified the supernatural peace and help they have received when they have turned their gaze upwards, and called out in desperation to Him. He drew so near that Emmanuel, God-with-us, shared our suffering and even tasted death.

4. God CAN heal and protect us if we ask Him to: In the Gospels, Jesus healed all who asked in faith, and many believers have experienced supernatural healing over the years. The God who created the universe and its laws is able to suspend them occasionally - to confirm His presence, and show that He is still around. So go ahead and ask for those miracles!

5. Illness and death is not something to be feared: Not all who ask are physically healed, and EVERYONE tastes suffering in their life, and eventually death. But ALL are promised an end to suffering, and a place in our eternal home, if they will only turn to God and die at peace with Him.

6. God can use our prayers to end the pandemic: This is one of those mysterious ways of God, that He allows to participate in His saving plan. Our prayers are the key He has handed to us to open up His good gifts.

Our Father knows what we need before we ask him, but he awaits our petition because the dignity of his children lies in their freedom. We must pray, then, with his Spirit of freedom, to be able truly to know what he wants. CCC 2736

7. We are invited to pray in a spirit of trust and hope: Pray in joyful hope, that God will provide for those in need, console those who are dying alone, and bring great good from what seems like a horrible disaster. Negativity, pessimism, despair do not reflect the eternal realities - of the ultimate victory of good over evil, of life over death.

Do not be troubled if you do not immediately receive from God what you ask him; for he desires to do something even greater for you, while you cling to him in prayer. CCC 2736

8. God can use US as part of His answer to our own prayers: Prayer moves us to action. So many heroic people are participating in the very Jesus-like action of putting their lives at risk for the sake of others. Others are looking for ways to help and serve and comfort and encourage, some are donating money, some are distributing food, some are calling to check in on those who are struggling.

God has not abandoned us. God is not far away. God is here, and sincere and fervent prayer is a sure way to experience this truth whatever we are going through.

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How NOT To Do the Coronavirus Self-Quarantine

How To Be Holy and Happy During the Coronavirus Quarantine

How To Be Holy and Happy During the Coronavirus Quarantine

BREAKING NEWS: India has just been put on lock down for the next three weeks, so this post is even more relevant. PS Please ration your supplies!

It's easy to write a post about what NOT to do because all I have to do is take notes from my own life and everybody else I know. But what we really need is a not-too-complicated list of what we CAN and SHOULD do. So here goes:

1. Make a daily schedule! Structure structure structure! Anyone who works from home can tell you the best way to sabotage yourself is to have great ambitions and refuse to put them into a schedule. Spontaneity is all very well for a while, but most of us humans need some kind of rhythm to our life in order to be productive and peaceful. Some of my friends have done this (especially those with kids). It doesn't have to be a tight schedule with every minute accounted for, but it should exist.

2. Get offline for at least a few hours every day! The Online World of Coronavirus News is a disease in itself. There's too much information! It's everywhere! There are gossip, jokes, news, opinions, medical advice, explanations, home remedies, warnings, predictions, but they can leave us sucked dry, motionless, anxious, panicky, or just distracted. You will find you mind relaxing, and your heartbeat returning to normal as you cook while listening to instrumental music, or clean your house, or draw a picture, or play an instrument, or go for a walk (for those who are still able to).

3. Pick two or three online pastimes, but stop there: Apart from Coronavirus news, there's also SO MANY productive options to spend time online - online retreats, online Masses and rosaries and reflections, free audio books, free operas, free concerts, online museums. We're spoiled for choice. We could learn new languages, watch movies, documentaries, learn crafts, research topics we're interested in... but if you're anything like me, perhaps the fact that there are so many options is paralyzing, and it's easier to just keep scrolling through social media feeds and thinking about how many great options there are and perhaps I should do that one.. and that one.. or perhaps that one? Just pick two or three, add them to your schedule, and stop there.

4. Take prayer breaks: Start your day with prayer and coffee, end your day with prayer, but don't forget to take little pauses during the day to pray too. Some people say a Hail Mary every time they wash their hands. I've been trying to do an Examen at least once a day. Say little prayers like "I love you, Lord." "I offer this moment to you." "Jesus, I trust in you." Participate in an online Mass if that helps you. Say a Rosary. My husband reminds me to pray the Angelus when the church bells ring. Pray a Divine Mercy chaplet for people dying alone. It's surprising how these little prayer habits make room for peace in your heart, home and day.

5. Take time alone and together: If you're living with other people, add some alone, quiet time to your schedule. If you tend to do things by yourself most of the time, add some people time to your schedule. Eat meals together and watch a movie. Play board games. Do jigsaw puzzles. If you're living alone, set up a video call to a friend at least once a day. This is a good time to reconnect, to love each other by 'wasting time together'. Don't let the desire to be productive or the temptation to anxiety and panic rob you of family time or people time.

6. Talk about things other than the pandemic: It's already on everyone's minds. But there is more to life than that, and our minds need a break from it. So intentionally choose to talk and think about other things as well - hopes, dreams, plans, memories, ideas, jokes.

7. Rediscover the Bible: Rather than focussing on what we have been deprived of (the sacraments, for a while). let's rediscover the gift and jewel most of us have lying in our homes. Eh. the bible, you say. Approach it in new ways! Start reading one book of the bible, underline verses that stand out and journal about them. (Look up a commentary to help you understand them.) Do a bible sharing with your family every day. Pick one bible verse every day to memorize and illustrate. Play bible trivia games:
- Everyone gets one chapter or book of the bible to read and study, and quiz questions will be asked at the end of the day.
- Everyone gets 5 minutes to study and memorize the names and order of the books in the bible, and then write them out without referring to the bible.
- Pick a bible verse at random and get the rest of the family to guess which book it comes from.
- Find the biblical passages certain famous hymns are based on.
- Choose a keyword like 'light', or 'bread', or 'mountain' and see how many bible verses each person or team can find in 10 minutes.
- Say a bible reference (book, chapter and verse) and the first person to find it wins the point
- Write your own song or tune based on a Psalm. Record it

8. Find ways to reach out to others: Just because you have been asked to distance yourself socially doesn't mean you have full permission to be as selfish and self-absorbed as possible. Ask God to show you how you can still reach out to others. Phone someone who might be lonely. Donate to those who have lost their livelihood because of the shutdowns. Make sure you are continuing to pay your maids, domestic workers, etc who are not allowed to go to work. Check in on your friends. Find little ways to bless your family members or housemates - join them in activities they would prefer, help them in their work, ask them how they are doing.

9. Take time for silence: You don't have to fill up every moment of the day. Take a few minutes here and there just to BE, to breathe, to surrender. It's hard, I know. But in the moments of silence, your soul will breathe.

Are you doing any of these things already? Any other suggestions?