Thoughts of a Typical Catholic at Sunday Mass aka Sixty Minutes of Daydreaming

(Enter church) Oh no, there’s someone in my usual pew! How annoying, don’t they know that’s where WE usually sit? People nowadays.

Who ARE all these people? So many new people in the parish. Not like the old days when we used to know everyone. Where is Hubby going now? He knows I don’t like to sit under the fan. Okay this works. Why won’t that lady scoot in? Maybe if I nudge her with my hip. Done.

(Briefly kneel) Thank God I got here on time and got place to sit. Hubby is always ironing his clothes last minute. And they say women are always late! I wish I had eaten breakfast.

(Sit) Oh, I see the D’Souzas. Is that their son? Must be home from the ship. So tall and handsome. That moustache is not a good idea though. They must be planning to get him settled soon, he must be 27 years old by now. High time.

(Stand for entrance hymn, join in ‘Enter His Gates’) The choir is sounding kind of screechy. May be it’s the mics. Usually I like this choir. They choose nice lively hymns. But this song we used to sing since I was in Sunday school. I like that girl’s outfit, very stylish. My goodness, that lector is wearing such a short skirt. And so much make up. Don’t they have a dress code? My blouse goes nicely with my skirt. But do the shoes really match? Oh no, my nail polish is all chipped! I should have worn my closed shoes. Hopefully no one looks at my feet.

(Priest:… who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God forever and ever) Amen!

(Sits down) I should pay attention to the readings, I never remember what they’re about after Mass. That reader has a really funny accent. They should pick people who speak English properly. Did she just say meditate instead of mediate? And dessert instead of desert? Ha ha, that would make a good joke. Man, I just want some dessert. May be we can pick up some gulab jamun on the way home. But Hubby will make some comment about my diet. He better not! If he does, I’ll say…

(Reader: The word of the Lord.) Thanks be to God. Oh no, I missed the whole reading. What was it about? No idea. Oh well, I’m probably not the only one. Look at everyone else, they look so sober and staid. But I bet they are also thinking about dessert and lunch. Good thing I marinaded the chicken earlier. It shouldn’t take long to get lunch ready. I should have taken out another packet though… I don’t think it will be enough for dinner also.

(Stand up for acclamation and Gospel) This is a nice tune. Why is he saying Alleluia again? Didn’t the choir already sing it? I’m pretty sure you don’t have to sing it AND say it. Oh, I know this story! The lost sheep, nice one. But does it really make sense to leave all the other sheep to go after the one that’s lost. Not very logical. Maybe Father will bring out some meaning. Why does Father always talk in that way? Maybe he learned it at seminary, for emphasis. But I feel like he’s emphasizing all the wrong words. I wonder if I could imitate it. Hubby would laugh. Oh no, that’s not very respectful. We shouldn’t be disrespectful to priests. Or to the dead. Who can we be disrespectful to? Or at least make jokes about? Politicians, I suppose.

(Sit down for homily) I hope Father doesn’t talk too long. I don’t think that’s the correct pronunciation of Maximilian Kolbe. I wonder if anyone else in the church knows that, or if they will all start calling Saint Kolb! Or wait, maybe I’m wrong. No, I’m pretty sure I’m right. One should always admit it when one is wrong. I like being right though. When was the last time I said, “You’re right, I guess I got that wrong?” Wow, I’m having such a spiritual introspective moment right now, so appropriate for Mass.

But what is Father talking about? I missed the whole story he just told. Oh, he’s connecting the lost sheep with prison ministry Sunday. I’ve never been to a prison. I wonder what it would be like. I remember reading that book about that Communist guy from Mumbai talking about his experiences in prison. Or is it jail? I can never remember the difference. It was really horrific. Chilli powder and torture... ugh. I need to think about something else. What’s Father saying now? I’m feeling so sleepy. I shouldn’t have stayed up so late last night. At least I got some coffee before coming. Arrey! Hubby is dozing off! That’s why God gave him a wife! To poke him in the ribs. I bet he’d make an Adam and Eve and rib joke if I said that aloud. (Poke) Ha ha, he got such a shock. I hope no one else saw. I remember when I was a kid the Mass used to feel so long. It still feels long though. Especially when I’m sleepy and hungry. Oh, the chicken curry is going to taste so good. Is this homily ever going to end?

(Stand for the I Believe) Oh no, he’s taking the long version. No one knows it anyway. I guess I can look at the hymnal, but then I’ll look stupid. Guess I’ll just mumble at the parts I forget.. consubstantial with the Father.. Lord, the giver of life… I really should know this by now. It’s okay, even Father stumbles over some of the words.

(Sit for Offertory) Oh I like this song. But they’re talking it too high again. Hello, we want to join in too! I guess I can just croak along. God loves a cheerful singer. Or is it a cheerful giver? I forgot my purse. Did Hubby bring some cash? There’s a second offering after Communion but I don’t have two notes. Now what to do? Hopefully others will give more. I wonder if the main collection goes down when there’s a second collection. I wonder if offertory means offering our money. But it has something to do with the bread and wine. How do they choose who takes the bread and wine to the altar? I wonder if they’ll ever choose Hubby and me.

(Stand for Eucharistic prayer) We’ve got to be at least halfway through Mass by now. Why do I come to Mass? I guess it wouldn’t feel like Sunday if I didn’t come. I can’t even imagine how Mummy and Daddy would react if I stopped coming for Sunday Mass. I know Katie and Allen don’t come any more. They have such nice lazy Sunday mornings. I wish I could wake up late on Sunday... no, I shouldn’t think like that. I know Sunday Mass is important. I’m sure God will bless Hubby and me for being here.

(Kneel after the Sanctus) God, please bless Hubby and me, and our parents, and our work. Thank you for giving us such good jobs. Oh no, the presentation is due tomorrow. I have so much left to do. Maybe if we have an early lunch, I take a quick nap, I can spend the evening working on it. I know Hubby wanted to go see the parents, but now what to do? He can go alone, and I’ll have the house to myself.

(After the Consecration) Ugh, I can never remember if we’re supposed to stand or keep kneeling now. Why are half the people standing? Do they know something we don’t? Are the people kneeling holier than the people standing? Why can’t Father just give us clear instructions? I’ll just stay kneeling, it’ll look stupid to stand up now.

(Great Amen) Okay, NOW everyone is standing. Oh, people are opening their hands for the Our Father. Are they just imitating the priest? Or do they want me to hold their hand? I know many people hold hands for the Our Father. But how weird would it be if I held a stranger’s hand when he was just trying to pray. Awkward! I should do it just for the laugh. But I don’t really want to hold anyone’s hands. Except for Hubby. Remember when we used to hold hands all the time during our courtship?

(Sign of Peace) I always turn to the wrong side. Why do I feel like everyone I turn to show peace to is always wishing someone else? There’s like six people around me and I only manage to make eye contact with two. Is this deliberate? Why doesn’t anyone give a real smile? Oh! That lady just flashed me a huge smile. That’ll teach me not to be so judgy. Unless she actually knows me? She looks vaguely familiar.

(Communion Service – kneel briefly, then sit) The choir is very talented, but I feel the sopranos should be a little softer. Some people just like feeling like pop stars. Well, I guess in the US, many pop stars did start singing in their church choirs… though I suppose most of them get sucked into the wild celebrity life pretty soon. Wow, that Kaitlyn’s hair is very pretty. I wonder if I should colour my hair again. Just highlights. Not sure if Hubby really likes that or not. But I got lots of compliments last time.

(Get up to join Communion line) Wow, Kaitlyn is towering over me in those heels. I would be worried about stumbling in front of everyone if my heels were that high. Oh, the other line is getting shorter. Should I join it to even it out? But then it’s harder to get back to my side of the church. Anyway, Father is on this side and that old auntie is distributing Communion on the other side, so I’ll stay here. I know extraordinary ministers of communion are fine, but she probably has less experience than Father. Should I receive by hand or tongue? I read somewhere it’s more reverent to receive by tongue. But suppose Father’s hand touches my tongue accidentally, euggh. Or suppose his hand touched someone else’s tongue and they’re sick? I’ll just receive by hand.

(Returning to place and kneeling) Yuck, Kaitlyn’s hair is in my face. I wish she wouldn’t sit so far back. Dear Jesus., thank you for coming into my heart like they told me at my first Communion. But I guess You’re literally entering my digestive system right now. Does that mean your grace is filling my full body right now? If that’s the case, can you please heal my painful shoulder, and my stomach issues too. That may have been the food we ate outside last night. Anyway, Jesus, like I was saying earlier, bless me, bless my family, keep us all in good health, bless my work. Help Hubby and me to meet our work goals so we can get down to buying our own flat. Rent is so expensive. I guess we could have lived with his Mum and Dad but I think it’s better we’re on our own. Oh, I’m getting distracted again. Anyway thank you, Jesus for all your blessings. Amen.

(Sits) Who all are here for 8.30 am mass? It’s so packed. Will anyone notice if I sneak a glance around? Otherwise I can only see the people in front of me. Oh no, someone looked back at me! Oh well, they were probably doing the same thing as I was. Wow, that is a beautiful saree. I should wear sarees more often. But it’s such a pain draping them. They should have saree-draping lessons in school instead of cross-stitch, it would have been more useful.

(Stands as priest says ‘Let us pray’, then sits again) That always feels like it should be the end of Mass, but now there’ll be ten minutes of announcements. Oh no, it’s going to be even longer because of banns. Wait a minute, Sheena, daughter of Martin and Assunta? Wasn’t she in school with me? She’s marrying a guy from Mumbai. I wonder if it was love or arranged. Most people assume if you’ve crossed thirty it must be arranged. But who knows? The prayer group gets an announcement every week. I wonder if anyone goes for their talks. I wouldn’t go unless I knew it was going to be a really good speaker and a really good topic. Why do I assume most talks in church are going to be boring or not relatable? I guess word of mouth advertising and personal invitations always work better than announcements. Aren’t they over yet? What time is it? The people for the next Mass must be waiting outside. I think it’s getting over… wow, that is a LOT of money they get in collections. I suppose it takes a lot for the upkeep of the church. I wonder what percentage is spent on outreach to the poor. I suppose I could find out if I really cared.

OH NO! Now they’re having felicitations for the tenth standard students! This is ridiculous! It’s a hostage situation. Just because Father hasn’t given the final blessing, I’m stuck here. Hubby is looking restless too. Probably thinking of his bacon and eggs.

(Stands for Final Blessing. “Mass is ended. Go in peace.”) THANKS BE TO GOD! I’M OUT OF HERE!

[Keep watching this space for follow up posts on how NOT to be this typical Catholic.]

What Saint John Paul II is Teaching Me About Love

Over the past seventeen years, I have thought, and read, and talked a LOT about love. It seemed pretty obvious pretty soon that different people had different understandings of what love was.

The most common understanding is that love is something that just happens to you, randomly and magically, an irresistible force that sweeps over you and cannot be controlled or tamed or even understood. Most love songs and movies push this idea very insistently. This idea of love works with divorce, adultery and gay marriage and even polyamory, because 'you can't help whom you love'. It seems like it could be quite tragic too, when you love someone who can't love you back, or you are trapped in a loveless marriage, and your life seems ruined.

Then there is the much more practical understanding of love which states that love is a choice, not a feeling. You can choose whom you love. Arranged marriages are built on this premise - that you choose to love the person you are married to. You find someone whom you are somewhat compatible with, and you make it work.

Then there are the cynics who don't believe in love at all. According to them, love is a purely biological mating drive, neurons firing and hormones releasing, your body fooling you into making lifelong commitments, which are destined to failure.

There are seeds of truth in all these ideas, but all of them leave me with unanswered questions.'

- If love is something that happens to you, then how can you promise to love someone forever?
- How do you know if you have missed your soulmate because they or you made a mistake?
- Or what's to prevent you from meeting someone better suited to you after marrying someone else?
- How can you know it is love and not just attraction?
- If love is just a choice, does it make absolutely no difference whom you marry since you can make it work with anyone?
- If it's just biological, how have we seen so many examples of long-lasting and sacrificial and faithful marriages?

More practically, when it came to deciding whether I should marry my boyfriend,

- How could I know the feelings I was feeling would last?
- On days when I didn't feel crazy in love, did it mean I didn't really love him?
- Was what I was feeling AS magical as everyone else's descriptions and experiences of love?
- What if married life became mundane or boring?
- Did I love him as much as he deserved to be loved?
- What if we faced a major crisis in our marriage like losing a child or a job or severe postpartum depression, and one of us changed a lot, became withdrawn or angry? Would we have what it takes to keep going?
- Would our different cultural backgrounds and difference in our personalities weaken our love at some point?

I had some answers, but I wanted clarity. When I went on my silent retreat, I decided to read excerpts of Saint John Paul's Love and Responsibility (because I didn't have the book, and I found a pdf with excerpts online.)

Saint John Paul (1920 -2005) had also studied and thought deeply about all these questions. He had worked with many young couples, and realized the need to speak about and explain the Christian understanding of love. So here are some of the quotes that answered the deepest questions of my own heart and gave me the confidence and courage to say yes to an authentic love.

'Love in human relationships is not something ready-made. It begins as a principle or idea which people must somehow live up to in their behavior.'

Romcoms kept whispering the lie that LOVE is a noun. But JP2 says love is not a finished product, or an unchanging reality. It is more a verb than a noun, something that is always a process, that is becoming what it should be, especially at the beginning of a relationship. It isn't a done deal, but a promise.

'Love between persons is essentially a creation of human free will.'

I loved this because it puts the power back into our hands. We are not just victims to whom things happen, we have POWER to create and sustain something beautiful. I don't have to hang back wondering, "What am I experiencing? Is it enough?" I can instead choose to pour myself into this relationship.

'There must be a direct attraction to the person: in other words, response to particular qualities inherent in a person must go with a simultaneous response to the qualities of the person as such, an awareness that a person as such is a value, and not merely attractive because of certain qualities which he or she possesses.' 

Attraction IS important. But it can't be just "I'm attracted to your long hair, and your kindness, and your intelligence, and your honesty." I have to be attracted to the PERSON himself, to see him not just a collection of traits but as a unique unrepeatable creation of God.

'It is not enough to long for a person as a good for oneself, one must also, and above all, long for that person’s good.'

If my primary focus is on how the other person makes me feel, I have not yet reached true love. Love means desiring the other person's good, wanting THEM to be holy and happy and fulfilled.

'Love is by its very nature not unilateral but bilateral, something ‘between’ two persons, something shared. Fully realized, it is essentially an interpersonal, not an individual matter. It is a force which joins and unites.'

This differentiates real love from infatuation or crushes or unrequited 'love'. It is not just feelings I have, or attraction or admiration, or a desire or longing for another person. It only becomes LOVE when it is shared, when it is reciprocal, when it joins two people. I've met so many people who have been hung up for years on the same person, unable to let go, sure that there must be something there because of their feelings. But that isn't love, but an unhealthy attachment, and such people were made for something better - someone who will receive and return their love.

'People should always carefully ‘verify’ their love before exchanging declarations.'

That is why I didn't want to say the words "I love you" even though I felt an attraction and desire and sense of belonging to my boyfriend. I wanted to make sure the words I was saying were based on truth, not just the emotion of the moment. I'know people who have been badly hurt by others using those words, without having made a firm commitment to follow through on them.

'Sympathy is a manifestation of experience rather than of activity: people succumb to it in ways which they sometimes find incomprehensible themselves, and the will is captured by the pull of emotions and sensations which bring two people closer together regardless of whether one of them has consciously chosen the other.'

JP2 uses the word 'sympathy' here to mean affinity, a feeling or experience of attraction. I think in many ways THIS is what people talk about when they say they 'fell in love'. It IS an experience that can just happen to one. It doesn't happen with everybody, but it could happen with more than one person over a lifetime. 'There's something about the way you look tonight, the turn of your head, the sweetness of your smile, the flash in your eyes as you look at me.' This actually can be very beautiful, and can in many ways supply the spark to start a fire.

'Mere intellectual recognition of another person’s worth, however wholehearted, is not love.'

Sympathy or affinity can be missing from a relationship. Just recognizing that someone is a nice person isn't enough to fall in love or build a marriage. My mum used to ask me sometimes, "What about so-and-so? Or so-and-so? Why don't you consider them?" And I used to tell her, "They're nice, but I know for sure there's nothing there."

'Yet sympathy is not by any means the whole of love, any more than excitement and emotion are the whole of a human being’s inner life — it is only one element among others. The most profound, by far the most important element is the will, in which the power to create love in a human being and between people is vested.'

So while sympathy, or affinity, or attraction is important, it is definitely not enough on its own. People have fallen in love multiple times. During tough times or dry times, spouses may have turned to someone else and experienced this sense of excitement and emotion. But is this love? NO, says JP2. So what IS the most important aspect or element? THE WILL! What an amazing superpower we have in the depths of our being - to be able to CREATE love!

'Love between a man and a woman cannot remain on the level of mere sympathy but must become friendship. For in friendship — and here it is unlike mere sympathy — the decisive part is played by the will... [Comradeship] rests on such objective foundations as joint work, common goals, shared concerns, etc. Comradeship gives a man and a woman an objective common interest, whereas sympathy links them only in a subjective way.'

By Bartolomé Esteban Murillo - [2], Public Domain, Link

This is a great way to check whether there is more to a relationship than just attraction. You can't just gaze into each other's eyes forever. You need to become a team, working together towards common goals. That is the beautiful thing about becoming a family and raising children. You are both in it together. But raising children is not the only common goal. You could work together to serve the poor, to make a home, to start a business, to do ministry together. When you are not yet married, you could start a project together (yay wedding planning!). If you do not care about any of the same things, or do not have a common goal, your love may fade. Also, if you're not interested in each other's personal goals and lives and interests apart from each other, that doesn't sound like you are friends.

'The emotions themselves are, as experience shows, rather fickle... If ‘love’ remains just sensuality, just a matter of ‘sex appeal’, it will not be love at all, but only the utilization of one person by another, or of two persons by each other... There can be no question of slurring over or neglecting the ‘sexual’ values to which the senses and emotions react. Our concern is simply to bind these values tightly to the value of the person, since love is directed not towards ‘the body’ alone, nor yet towards ‘a human being of the other sex’, but precisely towards a person.'

This understanding of love does not diminish the importance of emotions, sexual attraction and desire. But it says that we need to 'bind these values tightly to the value of the person', so that all these aspects are integrated into a commitment and responsibility to a PERSON, not just a desire that any warm body could satisfy. If someone better looking, more attractive, holier, better qualified, less demanding, and more fun showed up and was interested in you, would you still choose THIS person?

'The lover ‘goes outside’ the self to find a fuller existence in another... Take away from love the fullness of self surrender, the completeness of personal commitment, and what remains will be a total denial and negation of it.'

Finally, love becomes love when you surrender yourself to another person, when you make a commitment, when you make a mutual gift of yourselves, when you allow yourself to be vulnerable to another person. You cannot stand in the doorway forever, but have to cross the threshold. If either of you is holding back, it will never become real love.

'The greater the feeling of responsibility for the person the more true love there is... The strength of such a love emerges most clearly when the beloved person stumbles, when his or her weaknesses or even sins come into the open. One who truly loves does not then withdraw his love, but loves all the more, loves in full consciousness of the other’s shortcomings and faults, and without in the least approving of them.'

The sooner the disillusionment comes, the better. Even better if we start without illusions, when we are able to see each other as we really are, with both our strengths and weaknesses, our heroic moments, and our shameful failures. Because your reaction will show you how far you have progressed in love, or if it still superficial or selfish. Have you seen your beloved's sins come into the open? "I still love you and I will help you to get up again and move forward." That is the response of love.

So what am I learning about love? That I can confidently say to my bridegroom on our wedding day "I will love you and honour you all the days of my life" not because I'm sure I've hit the jackpot, but because I have chosen him, and he has chosen me; and because we both have been given the superpower of being able to renew and create love every day; and because God is love, and we both have recourse to Him to aid us in this vocation.

Related Reading

The Proposal

How (And Why) Not to Fall in Love

How to Love Well - Some Practical Tips

All posts related to Romance and Relationships

The Proposal

“Have you bought a ring yet?”

My boyfriend looked at me with shock.

“Er.. no.”

I continued, “In that case, I just wanted you to know, I don’t want a diamond because of Blood Diamond, and it shouldn’t be too expensive. That’s it. I’m never talking about this again.”

He continued to look at me with shock and hope.

“Wait. What? Does this mean what I think it means?”

I smiled at him. “We can talk about it later. I just wanted to make sure you didn’t buy an expensive diamond ring.”

It was a few days before Christmas and we were together in Mumbai. We had a day trip planned to Panchgani a few days later, and I wanted to keep all my special revelations for that romantic spot. We had known each other for less than four months, but had entered a very intentional dating and courtship period quite soon. We were both in our thirties and ready for something real and lasting.

Part of the whole ‘intentional’ thing was being very honest after every date about where we thought we were, talking about our non-negotiables and ideas of marriage and family, meeting with a Christian couple we liked and respected to get their advice and hear how they were doing Christian marriage.

Since we didn’t know each other’s friends, I also had the novel idea of asking some of our friends to write an honest testimonial about each other. Several of Joel’s friends did write to me, and I found their emails helpful as they wrote about both his strengths and weaknesses. Only one of my friends wrote to Joel, and she managed to tactfully say nice things but also be honest about the things that I was working on. Everyone needs some friends like that.

Everything seemed right, every box was getting checked in spite of our different cultures and backgrounds. Of course his faith was the biggest factor, but it wasn’t the only one. He was calm and kind, real and honest. He was intelligent and balanced. He respected me and didn’t seem intimidated by me at all. We could have real conversations. But he was also tender and ardent. He wooed me, and made me feel beautiful, and I was beginning to fall in love with him.

“I feel like this guy really sees me and I can totally be myself with him,” I shared with my brother on a video call.

“Wow. What are you waiting for then?”

Because I was waiting. I didn’t want to say the L word until I was convinced I meant it, and it was more than a feeling. And I knew that once I talked about love, that was it for me. But how could I know if it was really love? What was the difference between attraction, compatibility and love? How could I make a commitment that I was sure I would follow through on? How could I know I would continue to feel these feelings of love?

Saint John Paul had all these answers and more. In December, we both took a few days to have a silent retreat away from each other. I read excerpts from ‘Love and Responsibility’ and a video called ‘How to Know if You’ve found "The One"’. (INTJs don’t stop being INTJs just because they fall in love.) I brought all my thoughts and feelings and fears and questions to the Lord. And in the quiet and peace of that silent retreat, I felt a confidence and desire to move forward with this man. I was ready to say ‘I love you’ and I was ready to say ‘Yes’ if and when he asked me to share my life with him.

But when was that going to be? I was pretty sure he had made up his mind already. He had said, “I love you” a few weeks earlier as we walked together after a late night date in Mumbai. But he still had his silent retreat to go. And then he needed a ring. And his family’s approval. And a romantic spot to propose. Not so easy when you live in a city! Where are the romantic secluded benches and gardens we see in the movies? In Indian cities, you’re never alone, and the gardens are all locked in the night. I secretly had my heart set on being proposed to in Panchgani.

But life and reality intruded. We did go to Panchgani just before Christmas, just after both our retreats, and I did get to share the words I had been waiting to share. It was exactly as special as I had hoped, sitting on the edge of a mountain (in spite of his discomfort with heights), overlooking the most beautiful view in the world. There were no rings yet, but our decision was made.

My family already knew where I was. They kept expecting an announcement. I successfully pranked my family by sending them a stock photo of a girl’s hand with a ring on it (as a follow up of my brother attempting to prank us by posting a stock photo of a new born baby when my sister-in-law was about to give birth any day then).

But his family needed some time to get used to the idea, as they had expected that he would have followed the arranged marriage system, and they would have been more involved. So weeks passed, and still there was no proposal.

We went to Panchgani again in January. His family was finally happy and at peace about us moving forward. I was very sure he was planning to propose, but it was just at a point when I had some major concerns that I felt we hadn’t talked about. Thankfully he talked to my mum, and she told him to pause the proposal plans until we had talked about those issues. We had a beautiful time in Panchgani (with my great-uncle playing chaperone), and we were able to clear up everything I was worried about. But it was no longer proposal weekend.

“When is he going to propose? Poor guy, he probably thinks it has to be Panchgani now.” But it was very difficult to make such a long trip with his work schedule.

"You know it doesn't have to be Panchgani, right?"

"Oh, are you trying to arrange this thing?"

"No, just wanted you to know. I'm not going to say anything more."

It was on my mind all the time, but it was the one topic I didn’t want to talk about. I knew we wanted to marry each other, but somehow I felt a ring would make it more real, especially with us living in different cities.

“When is that boyfriend of yours going to propose?” he asked me one day.

“I have no idea!” I told him. (Oh, so we’re talking about it?)

“You should tell him to get on with it!”

“I would, but I’m trying not to interfere or control this.”

“If only he was the kind of guy who had a plan!”

“I know, I wish!”

Joel was notorious for his spontaneity and lack of a plan. I fully expected that he was carrying the ring around in his pocket, and was just waiting for an opportune moment to pull it out and propose.

But I had underestimated him.

Valentine’s Day was coming up, and we planned to meet, even though we agreed it was a made-up special day and not that big a deal. “I hope he doesn’t propose then! That would be SO cheesy!”

The previous weekend I had a retreat with my team in Goa, and I knew we wouldn’t meet. I was leading the retreat and he told me he would try not to contact me too much so I could focus on the retreat. On Saturday night after a long, tiring day, I texted him. “Can we talk?” We usually talked every night, and all I wanted was to hear his voice before I went to sleep. He was online, but didn’t answer. “That’s weird,” I thought. I texted again. “I’m really tired, can we just say goodnight at least?” To my surprise, he made an excuse and said we could talk the next day. A feeling of loneliness swept over me. “It’s okay, he’s probably just busy.”

As I walked to my bedroom, one of the girls on the retreat came up to me.

“What time are you waking up tomorrow?”

“Uh.. just before breakfast.. why?”

“Well, I needed to talk to you.”

“Oh no,” I thought. “There is some huge problem I’m not aware of, and I’m too tired to deal with it.”

Still I said, “Do you want to talk now?”

“No, I’m really tired. Let’s talk tomorrow.”

I agreed, hoping that whatever the problem was, it would settle down, and wouldn’t need my intervention the next day.

But the next day, I woke up and saw a text from her. “We really need to talk. I’m out on the rocks. Can you meet me?” The retreat center was perched on the edge of a rocky beach, so I immediately headed out. “Oh no, the crisis had worsened if she REALLY needs to talk. How could it have gotten worse in the night?”

I was dressed in a salwar kameez that I had brought for Mass, and my hair was dirty because I knew I wasn’t meeting Joel that weekend so I hadn’t planned on looking my best.

As I walked out, I began to think, “What if this is all an elaborate ruse and it’s really Joel waiting for me on the rocks? It was kind of odd that he didn’t talk to me last night. But no, it’s very unlikely he would have come all the way here. It’s too long a journey, and anyway we’re meeting in four days. But what if it is? How great would that be! Okay, stop! If you go round the curve and it’s really Remil waiting there and not Joel, you are in for quite the disappointment. You need to prepare yourself for a painful heart to heart counselling session, not a romantic assignation.”

I rounded the corner… and there was Remil sitting on a rock. I swallowed my disappointment and said, “Hey! What’s happening?” She immediately jumped up and with a guilty look on her face said, “Let’s walk!”

All my spidey-senses were tingling at this point. A few seconds later, my heart leapt as I saw what had become the most beloved face in the world on the rocks below. My boyfriend had taken a twelve hour train ride just to surprise me… and yes, to propose to me.

I was in his arms a few seconds later, holding on tight. But then I let him go, as I realized (always practical) that he probably couldn’t propose if I didn’t let him go. He got down on one knee, pulled out a ring box, and made a speech. I don’t remember a word that he said except “Will you marry me?” I can’t remember what I said either, but it was probably, “Of course!” He had a ring specially designed for me, it was not a diamond and it was very pretty.

We went to Mass with my community members (we were late!), and after that I still had to lead parts of the retreat, but we managed to spend some blissful hours together before he got on an uncomfortable bus, travelled all night, and went straight to work the next morning. He even left me his neck pillow for my journey home. True love, amirite?

I know proposals aren’t the most important part of relationships, but it was pretty special that this man went the extra (almost 400) mile(s) to make it a memorable one... and that the Lord gave us a gorgeous scenic location instead of a dirty city street. God surprised me with a man who loves me just a little bit like He loves me, with an extravagant, thoughtful, sacrificial love. Who could ask for more?

Stop Bothering God!

It was the call I was both awaiting and dreading. My driving school called to say my driving test was finally scheduled (six months after actually doing the driving classes) for Monday, and practise was on Saturday afternoon. I was furious, even though I had been waiting to get it done. I had been down with the flu for the past week, it was pouring cats and dogs, and I couldn't remember how to drive.

I was filled with a sense of dread and gloom. Nothing about this call seemed propitious. Have you notice how physical sickness makes one even more prone to depression and anxiety? The Saturday practice began to seem like a mighty impassable mountain.

I knew what I had to do. I had to pray. I didn't feel like praying. What could God do about my stupid problems? Anyway the problem was probably all in my head, which didn't make it any smaller to me, but made it less likely that it was important enough to pray about. I once heard a priest say, "Stop bothering God with your problems." "God isn't someone who looks for parking space for you." "He's not some kind of genie who grants us wishes." "God isn't a vending machine." Any of these sound familiar?

And yet, and yet... Jesus is the one who said, "Ask and you will receive; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives; and the one who seeks, finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened." (Lk 11:9 -10) Not to mention, crazy talk like, "If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask for whatever you want and it will be done for you." (Jn 15:7)

He didn't have to say any of that. He didn't have to make extravagant promises. Why did He? St. John Marie Vianney said, "Our dear God loves to be bothered."

Over many years of trying to understand my God and my faith, I have come to believe (in spite of my changing moods) that God wants me to know of His personal love and concern for me, and THAT is why He wants me to come to Him with my seemingly small and silly problems. When I ask, my faith grows, and I come just a little closer to understanding the God of love, the God who enters into our world and problems to show us He is Emmanuel, 'God with us'.

I also realized that when I asked I needed to ask
a. with faith (even if just the size of a mustard seed)
b. with an openness to His will being different from my desires
c. with a detachment from the final outcome
d. with a greater love and focus on the Giver than on the gift

So I asked. I said, "Lord you know I'm scared of this driving practise and test. I ask that I will wake up feeling better and without fever on Saturday. I ask that the rain will stop on Saturday afternoon and the sun will come out so I can practise without a problem. I ask that the practise will be easy and driving will seem less scary."

The next morning I woke up without fever, feeling better. It was still a rainy day. My dad knew I was worried so he suddenly decided to take me for a half hour of driving practice. I had forgotten everything, but it was easier to remember with him than with a bunch of strangers from the driving school.

That afternoon I got ready to leave, but the rain was pouring down. Everything seemed cold, wet and dreary. I really, really did not want to leave the house. Everything within me rebelled against leaving. But I had to. Once again I prayed, this time aloud. "Lord, PLEASE let the rain slow down and stop for me. And let the sun come out!" I put on all my rain gear, got on to my two-wheeler, and started riding into the rain. I kept praying aloud as I rode (while noting that I've become one of those religious nuts constantly muttering prayers). And as I rode, the rain started slowing down. By the time I reached the ground for the practise, it was a slight drizzle.

The practise turned out to be super easy, and over in less than five minutes. My driver instructor told us that all we had to do was drive along the track in the shape of an eight, and they wouldn't ask any questions. I was able to do it very easily. As I left the ground to stop at the driving school office, the sun peeked out, and I realized all my fears and anxieties had dried up too.

I have seen my share of miracles, and yet I'm still hesitant to ask for them. But why not? Our dear Lord is waiting for us to give Him the precious gift of our expectant faith and trust.

Related Reading 

The Delicate Touches of Love 

Jesus Knows My Love Language

The Tale of the Free Wedding Dress

The Time I Confronted a Priest

I hate confrontations... Something I think I have in common with most other Indians. If you want to stress me out, just come up to me and say with a serious face: "Hi, can we talk?"

It is SO much easier to find a zillion excuses why I don't need to talk directly to someone about a stressful situation or a problem I am having with them.

But here's the thing. When I don't confront, typically one or more of these things happen-

1. I grow resentful of that person.
2. I write them off.
3. I don't give them a chance to change.
4. I spend a lot of time venting about them and the situation to others.
5. The situation doesn't change or gets worse.
6. I start actively avoiding the person.

Passive aggressive behaviour across cultures

Some years ago I was struggling with a priest I was working with. It wasn't just one stressful incident, but many encounters with me and others. So of course I did what anyone else would do in that situation. I complained about him to the people around me (who could do nothing but empathize), I got a sick feeling in my stomach every time I had to interact with him, and my opinion of him went lower and lower.

Okay, I did do one thing differently. I prayed regularly for him. And as I prayed, I eventually heard God speaking to me.

I guess I was hoping He would say something like, "Shake the dust off your feet."

Instead He said:

“If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If the member listens to you, you have regained that one." Matt 18: 15

"Ha ha, Lord, I know You don't really mean that. For me. In this situation. But great concept for other people. In other situations."

But it came up again. And again. To the point where I felt that if I DIDN'T go, I would be directly disobeying Him. So with fear and trembling, and a lot of encouragement from my close Christian friends, I prepared. I prayed a lot. I wrote down clearly what I wanted to communicate. I revved myself up. And finally I went to meet him.

How did I do it? I tried to remember some basic guidelines I had learned earlier:

1. Go with the right attitude: Don't look at the other person as a bad person, but believe that they are your brother or sister, capable of good, just with sins, weaknesses, wounds and blind spots. Believe the best, hope for something good.
2. Affirm the relationship: Start the conversation sharing that you value the other person, the relationship that you have, and the good you have experienced in and from them.
3. Don't accuse, but share your experience: Don't say 'You were rude and mean', instead 'I was hurt when you said...'
4. Be charitable: 'I know you probably didn't mean it' or 'You probably didn't realize that your tone was so sharp.'
5. Give them a way forward: 'I hope that we can have a better relationship moving forward. Next time, could you -'
6. Listen: Allow them to share their perspective and feedback, in case there was something you were missing. Be quick to take responsibility for any way that you messed up. 'You're right, I probably should have come to you earlier with this. Please forgive me.'
7. Don't expect an apology: You can't control how other people respond. Ideally, they would take responsibility for their actions and ask for forgiveness, but we live in an imperfect world, and most people are not used to being directly confronted. You may experience defensiveness, anger, blame, or just indifference. That's okay. You did your part. Trust that God will do His. You can forgive them whether or not they are sorry.

That day I faced one of my worst fears, confronting a person in authority. But I was able to speak calmly and clearly and kindly. I bet that was the first time that priest had ever had a lay person have that kind of conversation with him. And to give him credit, he sat and heard me out. It didn't end perfectly. He didn't acknowledge that he was wrong, but told me that I had misunderstood him and that was just his way. But we ended on an amicable note. I'm sure the Lord planted some seeds in that conversation, even if it was just modelling how to have a respectful confrontation. I grew a little more confident, and the priest seemed to do better after the conversation.

There is so much good fruit that comes from holy confrontations:

1. Restored friendships and relationships
2. Honesty and clarity: Suspicion and mistrust thrive in the darkness. When we talk about things, they are brought into God's light.
3. Freedom from resentment and unforgiveness
4. A clear conscience: 'If it is possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.' Romans 12:18
5. Unity and a good witness

I feel very strongly that Christians in India need to learn how to confront each other well. Relationships within families, and within parishes and communities and ministries are suffering because of our unhealthy culture of avoiding direct confrontation. We have not had good models of this, so it is a new and scary concept. But the only way to learn is to start somewhere and learn from our mistakes.

Is there anyone God is nudging you to confront?

Seven Things I Have Learned about Wedding Planning

My sister got married last year, my brother and a bunch of cousins in the past four years, I've been a bridesmaid seven times, and I'm getting married in four months, so obviously I am an expert on wedding planning. Not. But I'm here to share some great tips, that will give you an insight into the wonderful world of wedding-planning.

1. It's not like Hollywood. Actually, that goes for everything about life, but especially romance, marriage, wedding planning and weddings. For some reason, my entire life I thought wedding planning was this dreamy, magical activity where a normal woman becomes a BRIDE-TO-BE, and is surrounded by a sparkly glamour as she shops and picks out colors and tastes cake. But.... There are no soundtracks. It's not magical. It's not everything you ever dreamed of. It's just life. Sorry for the false expectations. It's your own fault for watching too many cheesy rom-coms.

Pro tip: Stop comparing your life with the movies, and just enjoy the normalcy of everyday magic.

2. Wedding planning is really just organizing and planning a very big event. I totally understand why rich people have wedding planners, because not everybody has the time or the skill or the inclination to actually plan a huge event. Yes, at the heart of a Catholic wedding is the sacrament which IS magical and awesome, but mostly everything else around it is a big event. This can be overwhelming if you've never planned a huge event before, and sometimes it means you don't even know where to start and how to answer every second person who asks you "How's wedding planning going?"

Pro tip: Start planning early enough so that there is room to make mistakes and fix them.

3. It's all about everybody else. I used to state very confidently to my sister that *I* was going to have an unconventional small wedding that was going to be tailored to be fun and it didn't matter what everyone else thought I should do. Well, she had the last laugh as it turns out that weddings ARE largely about what works for everyone else, and it's a big fat lie that 'it's all about the bride' or 'it's all about the couple', or 'it's YOUR day'. I have seen every single bride-to-be across cultures and countries having a version of this conversation with her mother:

Bride (in tears): But I want it this way! Isn't it supposed to be MY wedding day?
Mother: It's not all about you! You have to consider what the guests will want and like and expect.

It's easier to move forward when you accept that fact and that everything is not going to be exactly the way you would have preferred.

Pro tip: Tell yourself it's the marriage, not the wedding that is the goal you're moving towards

4. Weddings are not worth losing your peace over. Actually, nothing is worth losing your peace over. I'd like a pretty, aesthetically pleasing wedding, with a beautiful liturgy, and everything well organized and planned beforehand. I want everyone else to be relaxed and pleased with my choices. But I don't want any of that so much that I'm gong to lose my peace over not getting it. That doesn't mean I don't have temptations to lose my peace, but I have to make the deliberate choice every time something comes up to say a prayer and remind myself  to chill out because it's all going to work out one way or another in the end.

Pro tip: Don't forget to spend time in quiet prayer every day. Helps with perspective.

5. You can't invite everyone. When we were kids, we would eagerly check if wedding invitations has '& fly' on them. Sometimes they didn't and we indignantly wondered why anyone wouldn't want to invite my parents AND their five lovely children. NOW I know. We all have such big social circles in our lives, and so many people we have been friends with over the years. But you just can't invite them all. So now I don't worry about it if I'm not invited to a wedding, and I hope other people feel the same about mine. But I'm also aware there will always be some people who are offended, and I can't control that. #boundaries

Pro tip: Don't make your guest list decisions based on who expects to be there, because that's a losing battle.

6. Wedding planning is a great way to get to know your fiancé better. Is your fiancé a control freak? Do either of you struggle with anxiety and tend to micromanage things? Is he disorganized? Does she procrastinate? Do you both have very different taste in music and colors? Does one insist on their own way every time? Does she cry over stupid things? Does she like to consult her entire friends' network before any decision? Does he refuse to consult anyone before making a decision? How do you each feel about excel sheets and budgeting?

Wedding planning is when you find out those things. This is, by the way, a good thing, because you need to love and accept this person with their weaknesses and struggles and blind spots, and learn to communicate and compromise and call each other on to holiness, and you can't do that if you don't get to know each other well. But wedding planning can also be a great time to discover you LIKE working on projects with your sweetheart, and that you have fun doing things together - something kind of important if you're planning to spend your life together.

Pro tip: Make sure you're doing MARRIAGE prep during engagement, and working on communication, conflict resolution, etc. It actually helps with wedding prep too!

7. Relationships are the most important part of wedding planning. If you're happy about getting married to your fiance, then all of the trouble is worth it. It's about this person. [REMINDER: You should be DELIGHTED when you think about marrying your fiance. If you're not, you're cheating yourself and the other person.] Old and new friends show up to offer help, and that is a beautiful part of this time. Family steps up and takes on different responsibilities. Everyone in your life who bumps into you is SO HAPPY for you. Your parents reflect with you about God's goodness and faithfulness in answering prayers. You make sure you have shared your news with everyone who has been important in your life. The outfits and decor and food and theme are not as important as these relationships.

Pro tip: Take time to hang out with family and friends and fiancé and enjoy their company as you get ready to transition into a new stage of your life, even if it means less than perfect wedding details.

I still have a few months left, and a lot more to learn. Any wedding planning insights or tips you would add?

Related Reading

The Strange Effect Weddings Have on Me 

When Your Facebook Feed Explodes with Weddings 

The Tale of the Free Wedding Dress

Letter to My Teenage Self

Dear young, awkward, skinny Sue,

First of all, don't freak out, but you turn out to be 33 years old and not yet married. Yeah, you don't get married in your early twenties and have a bunch of kids. Didn't expect THAT, did you? But that is the least of all the unexpected things your life holds! I have some news, and some advice, and some lessons I want to share (because people in their thirties like to do that kind of thing).

1. Stop obsessing about romance, marriage and crushes. It's not just something people say to make themselves feel better about being single, but there REALLY REALLY is a LOT more to life than romance. There are SO many good and exciting and challenging things to do and learn and explore, and YOU ARE WASTING YOUR TIME READING ROMANCE NOVELS AND WATCHING CHICK FLICKS.  Did I say that loud enough? Did you hear me? Put that book down (or even better, throw it away), and jump into something more challenging and interesting.

2. Life gets better once you cross 25. There is nothing like the confidence of the late twenties and thirties. Man, you just won't care anymore! Remember when you were excruciatingly aware of your awkward gait, and self-conscious body language, and you used to practise walking confidently on your way home from college? That totally stops being a thing. You start fitting into your own skin. Also, bonus, you finally start having regular good hair days, and even know how to look pretty without too much effort. But sorry, you never really figure out make-up and how to switch on a photogenic smile, but that's okay. You're beautiful and you finally believe it.

Making weird faces at cameras for three decades

3. You need to start working on discipline. It's not something that magically appears when you cross a certain age. If you don't exercise those self-control muscles now, you will be struggling with it fifteen years later. You have GOT to learn to switch self-indulgence for self-denial. I promise you the fruits of self-denial are much much sweeter. If you don't know where to start, make a daily schedule, set goals for yourself, and make yourself accountable to someone. Start something, and keep at it. It will get easier.

4. Adventures are not as scary as you think they are. Guess what, you travel to the US three times, live in the Philippines for two years, leave your home and family to start afresh many times in MANY different homes, and with many different sets of people, and you actually enjoy a lot of that. You are sometimes homesick and you make mistakes, but you also make lifelong friends, and learn to survive on your own, you learn to travel (although home is still your favorite place), and to figure out how to get things done when you need to without paralyzing anxiety. Life begins at the end of your comfort zone. If you cling to it too firmly, you will never grow or change or become the woman you were meant to be.

Adventures: Even boring introverts need them

5. Your faith means nothing if it is not transformed into LOVE. Yes, I know you are super into apologetics, and understanding and explaining the truth of the Catholic faith. And you may be happy to know that 33 year old Sue still loves the beauty and the truth revealed by Jesus through the Catholic Church. But reading blogs and hanging out on Catholic forums and arguing with people is never going to change the world. Look for ways to love people. Fill up your time with service to the poor. Spend more time sharing your faith than defending it. I promise it's worth it.

6. You don't land up marrying ANY of the many crushes you have now. Instead, you meet and fall in love with a doctor (I know, what?!!) from a very different culture than you. You're 32 when you meet him, but all the experiences and lessons of the previous decade have prepared you for this man, and the new life God is inviting you into with him. You can't skip steps. God works things out exactly when and how He wants to, so stop worrying or obsessing about it and live fully the present moment. There is no shame in being single. By the way, when romance finally happens, it is exactly as sweet and beautiful as you hoped it would be, and makes the years of waiting worth it.

Romance in your thirties is just as sweet

7. You never have everything totally figured out. Apparently, nobody does. There are many unanswered questions, self-doubt and struggles with impostor syndrome, problems to solve, decisions to make at EVERY stage of your life. It's not that you magically find your one true career or calling and then live it our perfectly. You're a teacher, a blogger, a full-time Catholic worker, but you will soon be a wife, hopefully a mother, and probably an author (yes, you're supposed to be working on a book). You may do other things and be other things too as life goes on. You don't have to have it all figured out. You just need to ask God what's next, and be faithful to that thing.

Life is good, young Sue! Be happy! Don't be afraid. Stay close to Jesus, and trust that He's going to help you figure things out. And like they say, survive, chuckle, show affection.

P.S. You're no longer young, awkward or skinny.

Related Reading

Breaking Out of the Bubble

Why I’m Glad I Wasn’t the Pretty Girl