A few months ago I wrote a series of posts about The Stages of a Relationship. In The Dating Stage, I wrote, "Important tip to people who take themselves too seriously - please don't forget to be lighthearted, kid around, flirt and pay compliments. This is not a set of serious job interviews you have to get through. You want to see if you can fall in love with each other, and that's part of figuring that out."
Someone texted me to ask: "What exactly do you mean by flirting? In one of your posts you seem to convey that it is okay to flirt... but flirting is suggestive language. How can that be okay? Just wanted clarification."
Great question!
Flirting can mean different things to different people and probably in different cultures (even within the same country). When I talk about flirting, I refer to the most generally accepted meaning: 'playfully indicating attraction to someone'. How do you flirt? You usually know it when you see it.
Well, usually.
But there's some flirting that can be obviously inappropriate if your goal is chastity and holiness.
Chaste flirting: Paying special attention to someone, making personal comments about their appearance, hinting at romantic interest, creating and using inside jokes, drawing physically closer, playfully creating and drawing the other person into an intimate world where only the two of you can dwell. We see it happening all the time. Two coworkers always taking breaks together, a guy and a girl giggling together at youth group, someone going on checking their texts with a silly smile on their face.
Lewd flirting: Sexually suggestive comments or jokes, hinting at or suggesting sexual favors or a sexual relationship, complimenting someone's body, touching in a sexual way. This is never okay (outside of marriage), and can often verge on sexual harassment. I don't know why this has become so normalized, but I'm here to say: THIS IS NOT NORMAL OR HEALTHY. No wonder some men are confused about how to flirt with or relate to women after the #metoo movement happened. It's because their idea of flirting was already sexual and suggestive. Unfortunately too many women play along. (This also happens with women being the initiators, and guys given no socially acceptable way to reject them.)
Just plain dumb or gross flirting: Strange guys sending messages that say 'Hi sexy, wanna make frandship with me?' Most Bollywood style stalking, wolf-whistling, singing songs and over the top grand gestures or expensive gifts. I think many men in India need classes on how to pursue women if they think that is flirting.
Like most things, context matters.
So when when is it a BAD idea to flirt with someone?
1. When you have no serious intention of following through: Flirting is sending a signal that you are interested in something more. If you flirt without having that interest or intention, then you are being dishonest, and can and will land up hurting a great many people.
2. When you are just trying to get some validation: Time for some honest reflection. Ask yourself "Why am I flirting?" If it is primarily to get that feel-good buzz, to make yourself feel like you are important or powerful or beautiful or attractive, or you want other people to think you are, then you are guilty of USING another human being instead of treating them with respect. No one deserves to be used like that, and people don't exist just to validate you or make you look good.
3. When you are in a relationship with someone else: Seems fairly self-evident, but to some people, it's hard to get out of the habit. Maybe you need to go on a flirting fast (even if you're single), to learn how to relate to people in a healthier way.
4. When the other person is in a relationship with someone else: Do I really need to say this? In case you're not sure, flirting is never just 'harmless fun'. Cut it off before it gets worse. If you'd prefer people not to flirt with your significant other, then make sure you are never that person. That goes for flirting with seminarians or priests too. Yes, it happens, and it's never okay, so please stop.
5. When the other person has shown they are not interested: Flirting can turn into throwing yourself at someone if you keep going when they don't respond. Take the hint, maintain your self-respect, and move on. And DON'T drunk-text, or drunk-flirt, or hang out with friends who encourage you to do stupid stuff like that. You're made for more.
When is it a GOOD idea to flirt with someone?
1. When you are interested in something more, and want to test the waters: If you are genuinely interested in someone, in a place where you are able to start a relationship, and you want to know if they are even a little interested before you ask them out, go ahead and flirt a little.
2. When you are dating someone or in a relationship or discerning marriage: Some religious people take themselves a little too seriously. Sometimes couples are trying so hard to be intentional and holy, that they forget that romance can also be holy. And when you're dating someone or discerning marriage, that is a great time to show that you're attracted to them. You can't (or shouldn't be) impersonal about something as personal as marriage. If my now-fiance hadn't flirted with me when we were dating and courting, I probably wouldn't have fallen head over heels in love with him and decided to marry him.
Obviously there is so much more to discernment than attraction and flirting, but it has a significant role to play. "Can I play with you? Are you attracted to me? Can we have fun together?" All of those questions are answered (one way or another) when you flirt, more than when you talk about serious topics.
3. When you are married: Sometimes in arranged marriages, and even in love marriages (as they're known in India), couples forget that they still need to show their spouse they're still attracted to them. There are too many jokes and references to 'the end of the honeymoon phase' as though all of the attraction and romance and fun are strictly reserved for courtship and the first few months of marriage.
via GIPHY
But you have a choice to keep the romance alive. I overheard my dad once instructing members of his men's group on the phone, "Buy her a gift for Valentine's day! Make a card! Do something special!" Maybe some people need to be reminded (especially men?), but flirting with your wife can be a great way to keep your marriage healthy. And hey, marriage is a great place for PRIVATE sexual jokes and intimacy. God has given the beautiful gift of sexual intimacy to enrich and nourish a marriage, why waste that gift or act like it's the domain of the unmarried or the unchaste?
In conclusion, if you are the kind of person to whom flirting is second-nature, maybe you need to work on relating to people as people, not objects of your romantic interest or manipulation. When you learn how to have fun or interesting conversations with people that are very obviously NOT flirtatious in nature, then when you DO choose to flirt, it means a lot more. Girls don't take guys who flirt easily or a lot very seriously, and I assume it's true the other way too.
But if you are the kind of person who is very serious or logical or intentional or cautious, don't forget that there is a right time for playfulness and flirtation and fun.
If you are not sure which one you need to work on, talk to the most sensible and well-balanced of your close friends, or a mentor that knows you in real life for their honest opinion. You may not like what they have to say, but you probably need to hear it anyway.
Have a question for me? Leave a comment or email me on solosenilejive@gmail.com and I'll try to answer it in my Ask Sue blog posts.
Related Reading
Guys, Stop Texting Girls! And Other Super Helpful Advice for the 'Good' Guys
How (and Why) Not To Fall in Love
Why and How to Crush-Proof Your Heart
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