In many ways, this analytical approach to life has made it a little more difficult to experience God. God is love, at the core of the Christian faith is a relationship, not just a set of beliefs. But for some of us, moving from the head to the heart is a challenge.
I grew up in the charismatic renewal which often seems to prize and prioritize experiences, so I often felt disappointed and cheated when everybody else was having experiences except for me. ‘What about me, God?’ I would cry out as yet another friend would share some amazing experience of feeling loved.
But little by little I let go of the desperate need for that experience. I had enough reasons to believe. I had read a lot of apologetics, I had come across enough rational believers, I had seen many answered prayers, and read about many changed lives. CS Lewis says ‘Faith is the art of holding on to what your reason has accepted in spite of your changing moods.’ So that’s how I approached my faith.
As I let go, as I surrendered myself more honestly and sincerely, letting go of long-held sins, as I prioritized prayer, sacraments and obedience to His promptings, something began to change. There was healing and growth in my family relationships, and a door opened in my heart to God too. I let myself be found.
‘Slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.’
I began to experience the tender love of the Father, who was not impatient with my mistakes and sins, not demanding instant perfection, and who was willing to help me get up again and again and again. Reading the book ‘Searching for and Maintaining Peace’ by Father Jacques Philippe was one of the healing tools God sent into my life. I once went on a two day personal silent retreat without any specific plan of what I would do there. I landed up just reading and meditating on that book, and it was immensely healing. God showed me that He wanted to heal my heart of its lack of hope.
‘A God who delights in me with singing’
I began to learn how to receive His love and delight in me, His unconditional love, not dependent on what I could do for him, or what I had accomplished. He first sent my little nieces into my life to teach me that lesson, and then my husband, and now my own little daughter. Sometimes my husband asks me, “Why do you love me?” And I always answer, “Because you are mine.” And as I learn to receive and give this kind of love on a human level, God shows me that THIS is how He loves me too - just because I am His.
‘A God who hears and answers’
When I was five years old, my dad was supposed to pick me up from kindergarten. But when I came out of the classroom, there were a lot of people and no sight of my father. I burst into tears. But I remembered my mum telling me that if I was ever scared, to close my eyes and talk to Jesus. So I did. I closed my eyes and said, “Dear Jesus, please send my Dada.” And I opened my eyes, and there he was. Obviously this made a big enough impression on me that I remembered it years later. But I knew something very profound then- that our dear Lord loves to be approached with confidence and trust, and that He can and will show is His love and presence in very practical ways if we are willing to ask Him to. I’ve seen this to be true again and again through my life. He’s not a vending machine or an ATM, nor are we guaranteed that all suffering will go away (He never promised that anyway, quite the contrary). But He has shown me His love through His provision innumerable times, usually only when I’ve asked.
How do I continue to tap into His love? It’s easy to let my heart grow cold, to doubt, to forget, to become cynical. But His love remains accessible. Like my relationship with my own husband, I have to allow him to hold me and love me, instead of getting wrapped up in my own world.
So some of the channels of God’s love for me, ways and places and times that I experience His love are-
Listening to or worshipping with Bethel music
Sitting in an Adoration chapel (haven’t been able to do this in a long time)
Reading certain passages from the bible, and certain spiritual books like He and I by Gabrielle Bossis or anything by Fr. Jacques Philippe.
Writing down and rereading past encounters in my prayer journal or blog (I have such a short memory)
Going on good retreats (not all retreats are equal)
Asking Him for big and little miracles for myself and others- then giving Him credit and acknowledging His loving providence when He grants them
Asking others to share their own testimonies and encounters with God- it’s always so edifying
Daily personal prayer, honest conversations and crying out to Him in the midst of rough days
Spending time and building relationships with people who reflect His love to me, whose faces reveal Jesus
God’s love isn’t meant to be just a theory, a belief, a theme for hymns or inspirational posters. It is something He desires even the most cold-hearted or cynical of us to experience. It may not happen immediately. But if you really desire it, and ask Him, and make yourself available to Him, as you allow Him to heal you... He will reveal it to you, as He did to me.
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