How an Introvert Socializes

First of all, introverts don’t hate people. We just need to plan when, where, how, and for how long we want to be with them. So, here’s a list of what works and what doesn't for this particular introvert.

Does NOT Work 

Any kind of spontaneous socializing plan: Someone calls or texts and says, “Hey, some of us are going to ________ tonight. Wanna come?” See, in my mind, tonight was already set up as a stay at home, read my blogs, watch some TV, don’t talk to anyone except my family kind of evening. I can’t just switch to socializing mode that fast.

Works 

Time to get used to the idea: Maybe a week or so. Perhaps even longer. Note to introvert’s friends: Plant the idea first. Let her swill it around like good wine. (No, I’m know nothing about wines, good or otherwise. And I know I’m mixing metaphors.)

Does NOT Work 

The wrong KIND of socializing situation: It only took me a couple of parties (read really dumb ‘fresher’ afternoon parties, but still) to realize that night clubs are the only option I would choose if someone was holding a gun to my head. Smoke laden haze, trance beats, everybody checking everybody else out, shouting to be heard, drunk people, fakeness. Come on, this can’t be just an introvert thing. Likewise, rock concerts are a VERY bad idea.

Works 

Not too many people, not too much noise: Game nights work. Breakfast at my place works. Coffee works. If I must meet new people, please let me meet them where I can actually talk to them, and don’t have to do small talk multiple times. Extroverts don’t get it, but small talk is torture to us. I suppose theoretically it’s possible to be authentic while having two minute conversations, but in practice, how do you do it? I desperately need to make some REAL contact with people I meet... or I’d rather hide in the bathroom, and not meet at all. Okay, I’ve never actually hidden in a bathroom, but I think it’s a great idea... unless of course there’s already an introvert hiding there.

Works: Cheese mushroom spinach onion omelettes, sausages and french toasts

Does NOT Work 

Platitudes/Banalities: It’s like scraping nails against a chalkboard. “So what else is new?” “Nothing much, yaar. What about you?” “Work and all na. Busy, busy.” “Mum and dad are doing okay, no?” “Keeping well, by God’s grace.” “What else?” AAAAAHHHHHH!!! Makes me want to run screaming in the opposite direction.

Works 

Humour/Randomness/Authenticity: Of course the problem with this is that not everyone knows how to deal with too much honesty in a first conversation. “I can’t talk to you right now because I’m in a bad mood.” And even humour can get out of control when people aren’t expecting it. Randomness is definitely not the norm in India. And I do realize that all these things have their time and place, but they just help me cope with uncomfortable social situations. The unexpected pro of this is that every now and again, you suddenly meet someone who gets it, and doesn’t back away like you’re crazy, and perhaps even responds in kind. 

Also, REAL conversations: I know most people don’t want to talk about deep, introspective, thought-provoking stuff the first time they meet you, but introverts can’t talk about anything else. “What it is like to be you?” “Have you ever wondered...” “Has anything about motherhood surprised you?” Even in the fairly normal “Have you seen (insert latest movie)?”, I have to get at the underlying theological/moral dilemma. Yes, it’s tiring to be around me.

Does NOT Work 

Phone calls: Don’t call me. Ever. It just doesn’t work. For one, it breaks the ‘no spontaneous socializing’ rule. You’ve broken into my space without warning. Also, phone calls can easily turn into meaningless chit chat. “So, what else?” “AAAHHHH!” But also, I find it very difficult to focus on what you’re saying without any visual cues to tell me what you’re REALLY saying. Call me crazy. But don’t call me.

"It really worries me that you called me ON MY PHONE. Did you not read my blog post??"

Works 

Texting/Face to face meetings: See, this is to show you that I don’t really hate people. Texts work for me because I can answer when and how I feel like it. I can get and give information without unnecessary and draining chitchat. And I can set up face to face meetings with people. When I see your face, and when there is not a lot of other stuff going on, it helps me to focus, and to enjoy friends’ company. And just to clarify, just texting is the stupidest way to get t know someone. My sister and I shared a rant about that last night, which should definitely lead to a blog post some time.

In conclusion, it’s very hard to figure out how to relate to introverts unless you know the secret list of rules. To a large extent, I've just had to learn to use the social norms of the adult world. But that doesn't mean I like it. I have gotten better even at small talk. Heck, I even talk on the phone once in a while. But also, I've just learned what works better for me, and try to use that key to build better relationships with people. (Wow, that ended on a serious note.)