The Crisis of Masculinity and Femininity in Marriage

I was listening to a Catholic women’s podcast yesterday (no, not Abiding Together), and the podcast host and her two guests kept talking about the crisis of masculinity and femininity. They said that the modern world has told men and women that there is no difference between them, that they are not just equal, but the same, and this has resulted in widespread confusion and shaky marriages, increased likelihood of divorce, and a weaker family life.

I’m inclined to agree with them until there. I recently read a Humans of Bombay story about a woman who grew up in an extremely conservative family that married her off at a young age, but her husband supported her in completing her education and pursuing a career. All well and good. But it ended with this woman sharing that she now lives in a different city than her husband and young child (with their full support), in order to continue pursuing her career. Almost all the comments were congratulatory, because it seems that everyone thought this was WOMEN’S LIBERATION AND IF MEN CAN DO IT, WHY NOT WOMEN?!!

I have thoughts about this but before I express them, let me tell you how the Catholic women’s podcast progressed. According to one of the guest speakers, the solution for these blurred and confused gender identities and struggling marriages was for men and women to return to their ‘traditional gender roles’.

According to her, women WANT men who are earning more than them, more intelligent than them and stronger than them. She quoted a study that said couples who stuck to traditional gender roles and household tasks enjoyed a better sex life. (To be fair, the podcast host said SHE found it incredibly attractive when her husband folded laundry.) According to her, women turn to masochistic and abusive sex stories like Fifty Shades, because it’s a warped desire for strong men, in a world which has told men that their strength is not needed or appreciated. She kept harping back to ‘John Wayne’ type men. Ugh.

So here you see two extreme ideologies both of which seem unhealthy and unbalanced.

If people tell women that being a mom, or caring for a home, or being supportive of her husband diminishes her value and her worth, then she feels as if she has no choice but to be a ‘career woman’ who gets back to a 9 to 5 job a few months after giving birth, no matter what her desires are. (In India, she is also expected to cook and keep house WHILE holding down a full-time job outside the home.) The only path laid out for her is to ‘do it all’.

If people tell women that her ONLY role and worth in life comes from her husband and children, then she starts feeling trapped and undervalued, her many other gifts and talents are never developed or used, and she may never learn what she is capable of or what she has to offer the world. Jennifer Fulwiler had an awesome talk about it at SEEK, and the Abiding Together podcast often talks about the ‘feminine genius’ needing to be uncovered, a JPII reference.

What about men?

If people tell men that women don’t need them ('women need men like fish need bicycles!'), that they have no value or unique gifts to add to anything because WOMEN CAN DO IT ALL, that when they use their strength to serve or protect, they are being sexist or condescending, that they are superfluous, and the world would do much better without them, then they believe it and become physically or emotionally checked out fathers and husbands, or resentful and passive and afraid to ever take the initiative (because women don’t NEED men to take the initiative). The superwomen never let on that they too are vulnerable sometimes (perhaps because they have been hurt before?) and so the men sit back and make jokes about bossy wives, but secretly struggle with their value and identity. Everyone needs to be needed.

But if people tell men that a woman with an opinion or a salary is undermining their role, or that the right order of things is for men to be the decision-makers and women to blindly trust their judgment in all matters, that it is less manly to admit weakness, that strength and aggression are synonymous, that respect is owed them and expressed in unquestioning obedience, and that women are weak indecisive creatures who love nothing better than a man to figure out everything for them, then at best, they are losing out on a mutually satisfying equal partnership and carrying burdens alone that they could have shared, or at worst, they turn into tyrants in their own homes who lash out (physically or verbally) when challenged in any way.

So what is the happy balance, one that respects both the equality and the differences between men and women, that allows them to be unashamedly who they are? Should there be a difference in the roles of men and women, and if so, what should they be?

I think the key is to remember that men and women ARE different, but no one else can tell us exactly how that's going to play out in each individual marriage. One may prefer cooking to cleaning, one may be more skilled at tech support or fixing things than the other, one may like doing the accounts, while the other may prefer buying the groceries. Women tend to be more sensitive to people's needs and feelings, men tend to like to work with their hands. But not always. Women tend to be more empathetic, men tend to be more logical. But not always. You need to get to know that unique man or woman, and allow them to be who they are, use and develop their gifts, and affirm each other while doing so. You need to listen to the other person express their feelings and desires about your roles, and be willing to accommodate their needs.

But here's the catch that most people don't talk about, and it works for men AND women. The choices you make, and the way you live out your masculinity and femininity is not just for your own fulfillment, but should be at the service of each other and your family (in the context of marriage). So if young children need their mom especially in the early years, embrace that call. We have differences that can help and serve each other. Only a woman can bear a child in her body, and men can use their strength to serve and protect his wife and kids when they are the most vulnerable. That could mean being the primary earner, but it could also mean cooking and caring for the older kids when the wife is pregnant or breastfeeding.

'A mother who watches over her child with tenderness and compassion helps him or her to grow in confidence and to experience that the world is a good and welcoming place. This helps the child to grow in self-esteem and, in turn, to develop a capacity for intimacy and empathy. A father, for his part, helps the child to perceive the limits of life, to be open to the challenges of the wider world, and to see the need for hard work and strenuous effort. A father possessed of a clear and serene masculine identity who demonstrates affection and concern for his wife is just as necessary as a caring mother. There can be a certain flexibility of roles and responsibilities, depending on the concrete circumstances of each particular family. But the clear and well-defined presence of both figures, female and male, creates the environment best suited to the growth of the child.' Pope Francis

Prioritizing the needs of the family sometimes means that a woman may need to work outside the home while the man stays home with the kids. It means for both men and women that your career goals should never be more important than the needs of each other or your children. It may mean giving up a promotion so that you still have time to help your kids with their homework. It may mean giving up cool travel opportunities because your relationship with your spouse takes time too. It may mean travelling together with your family even though it will slow you down.

Using your strengths to serve each other as spouses should work both ways. It may mean one spouse taking a step back from their own goals and dreams at a particular stage in their life to support the other in pursuing theirs. It means men stepping up to be servant leaders and present fathers, because women need to know it's NOT all on them. It means women not trying to micro-manage everything and not acting like dads are 'babysitting' when they're look after their own kids.

It's not a competition, it's a collaboration. We don't have to be independent beings pursuing our own personal goals while happening to be married to each other. We need to allow ourselves to be dependent on each other, to be vulnerable with each other, to respond to each other's vulnerability, and to allow the other's gifts to enrich us.

When women affirm men in their natural gifts and strengths, men feel confident enough to step up and use those gifts and strengths. When men affirm women in THEIR strength and ability, then women feel seen and valued. Both feel a confidence in being the men and women God called them to be because they no longer have to fight their own spouse to be that man or woman.

This is a hard adjustment to make because we've all grown up influenced by the ways our own parents and families did things (for better or worse), our own assumptions, insecurities, and wounds, and by the messages social media is shouting at us constantly (for better or worse). Sometime we overcompensate, sometimes we feel threatened by new ideas or ways of doing things that feel unfamiliar and not socially acceptable.

'There are those who believe that many of today’s problems have arisen because of feminine emancipation. This argument, however, is not valid, “it is false, untrue, a form of male chauvinism”. The equal dignity of men and women makes us rejoice to see old forms of discrimination disappear, and within families there is a growing reciprocity.' Pope Francis

I think three things can help us rediscover how to be authentically 'masculine' or 'feminine' within marriages and relationships - a relationship with God, regular prayer and discernment about what needs to change, and how, and when. Good and regular communication and listening to each other's feelings and needs. And good community, with other healthy and happily married couples whom you respect and who are willing to share from their own experiences and mistakes.

Nuptial blessing during a Catholic Wedding Mass

O God, who by your mighty power
created all things out of nothing,
and, when you had set in place
the beginnings of the universe,
formed man and woman in your own image,
making the woman an inseparable helpmate to the man,
that they might be no longer two, but one flesh,
and taught that what you were pleased to make one
must never be divided;

O God, who consecrated the bond of Marriage
by so great a mystery
that in the wedding covenant you foreshadowed
the Sacrament of Christ and his Church;

O God, by whom woman is joined to man
and the companionship they had in the beginning
is endowed with the one blessing
not forfeited by original sin
nor washed away by the flood.

Look now with favor on these your servants,
joined together in Marriage,
who ask to be strengthened by your blessing.
Send down on them the grace of the Holy Spirit
and pour your love into their hearts,
that they may remain faithful in the Marriage covenant.

May the grace of love and peace
abide in your daughter [name],
and let her always follow the example of those holy women
whose praises are sung in the Scriptures.

May her husband entrust his heart to her,
so that, acknowledging her as his equal
and his joint heir to the life of grace,
he may show her due honor
and cherish her always
with the love that Christ has for his Church.

And now, Lord, we implore you:
may these your servants
hold fast to the faith and keep your commandments;
made one in the flesh,
may they be blameless in all they do;
and with the strength that comes from the Gospel,
may they bear true witness to Christ before all;
may they be blessed with children,
and prove themselves virtuous parents,
who live to see their children’s children.

And grant that,
reaching at last together the fullness of years
for which they hope,
they may come to the life of the blessed
in the Kingdom of Heaven.
Through Christ our Lord.

Amen.

Related Reading

I’m a Catholic Feminist – What Does That Even Mean?

Don't Be Afraid of Strong Women: A Reflection on Wonder Woman

Why I Can’t Stand Marriage Jokes

Pope John Paul II's Letter on the Dignity and Vocation of Women

You Are Delightful

A couple of weeks ago, my fiancé, Joel, and I were attending a friend's wedding in Bangalore. We were staying at a hotel with the family and family friends of the groom. I didn't know any of them, and they only knew me as the fiancée of the groom's best friend. But one evening after we returned hand-in-hand from a pre-wedding party, an elderly friend of the family came up to Joel and said, "You are a very lucky man - I see the way she looks at you!"

Ugh, I didn't know whether to be totally embarrassed that apparently my face was an open book to the world at large, or to be pleased that the love I felt for him was not so deeply buried that no one could tell it existed (possible side-effects of the non-demonstrative British and Indian culture I grew up in).

Sunday's first reading at Mass was from Proverbs 8 and refers to the relationship between Jesus and His Father.: 'I was daily his delight, rejoicing before him always, rejoicing in his inhabited world and delighting in the sons of men.'

It's so much easier to think of God as a teacher, a coach, a formator, a guide; someone who is trying to make us better, working on us, challenging us, calling us on. And really, He is all of those things and does all of those things. He loves me enough to want what is best for me and to help me be all I can be.

But more foundational to the relationship He wants to have with me is mutual delight. He looks at me and takes pleasure in me being me, and in me being His. And that's how I feel around Joel. When I look at him, I smile because of who he is with all his quirks and personality traits and desires and hopes and interests and even imperfections, because this human being is an unrepeatable, interesting, multifaceted creation, and because this human being is MINE (or will be soon), entrusted to me by God.

I know it's easy enough to slip into a different way of viewing even the ones we love, to focus on their flaws, to see all the ways they need to improve, all the rough edges that need smoothing, and the dull edges that need sharpening, and suddenly they are a project instead of a person. We see that with parents and kids all the time. For some reason, when they are babies and toddlers, it's easier to just unashamedly delight in them, in their tiny little fingers and toes, in their gurgles and mispronounced words, in their cheeky grins and displays of affection. But pretty soon the easiest way to relate to them is by correcting them, teaching them, directing them, and improving them.

Even worse is when we start to see the people in our lives as a means to an end, as only interesting to us in as much as they are useful to us. When we overvalue the achievements of our children because they make us look good, when the good looks or success of our spouses or children or family members are more of a status symbol or a reason to boast, when their gifts can be used to further our goals, or when we only look at the other with approval and love when they are behaving in exactly the way we want, then we are guilty of using people instead of loving them.

How do we delight in the people in our lives? First, by remembering and experiencing the delight that God takes in YOU. You are delightful! Yes, you with the crooked teeth, and the tendency to argue and over-analyze, and break into song, and laugh at inappropriate moments. You with the social awkwardness, and the extra belly fat, and the big hugs, and the habit of tearing up every time you get excited abut something. You with the agonizing self-doubt, and the frizzy hair, and the snarky comebacks, and the terrible puns. You with the stick legs, and the love of baking and cats and code and cheesy TV shows. You with the little secret acts of kindness, and the tendency to overshare and over-schedule and be late to everything. You with the love of excel sheets, and over-planning, and micro-managing, and cleaning. YOU ARE DELIGHTFUL, just as you are with all the weird and wonderful and wise and whimsical traits and habits.

No, you are not perfect, far from it. No, God does not love your sins. But your sins are not YOU. Sometimes our sins can obscure our delightfulness, but it's still there. And when God looks at you, He sees the REAL you, not just your sins and failings. And He loves you, and delights in you.

Love should be expressed in delight. Simcha Fisher in an article about choosing the right spouse wrote, 'But, women: when you think of marrying the man you’re planning to marry, you should be delighted. Delighted! Are you delighted?'

When we learn to stop and bask in God's delight, we are far more able to delight in the people around us. I once asked a couple of friends three things they liked about themselves. It was surprising how good but how hard that exercise was. It's almost as if we think it's wrong to be delighted in. No wonder it's hard to delight in others.

So take some time to delight in the people around you. Hold back the words of correction and criticism or suggestions for improvement the next time they come to your lips. Just stop and look at them. Look at them and smile. Listen to them when they tell you what they're excited about. Tell them the things about them that give you pleasure. Remove the critical or corrective lenses through which you survey the world, and instead see people the way they are, as delightful children of God. Let's rediscover delight.

Related Reading

A Ten-Year-Old Teaches Her Auntie To Pray
To Be Someone's Darling
How To Love Well - Some Practical Tips

Ask Sue: What is Flirting and When Is It Okay?

A few months ago I wrote a series of posts about The Stages of a Relationship. In The Dating Stage, I wrote, "Important tip to people who take themselves too seriously - please don't forget to be lighthearted, kid around, flirt and pay compliments. This is not a set of serious job interviews you have to get through. You want to see if you can fall in love with each other, and that's part of figuring that out."

Someone texted me to ask: "What exactly do you mean by flirting? In one of your posts you seem to convey that it is okay to flirt... but flirting is suggestive language. How can that be okay? Just wanted clarification."

Great question!

Flirting can mean different things to different people and probably in different cultures (even within the same country). When I talk about flirting, I refer to the most generally accepted meaning: 'playfully indicating attraction to someone'. How do you flirt? You usually know it when you see it.

Well, usually.

But there's some flirting that can be obviously inappropriate if your goal is chastity and holiness.

Chaste flirting: Paying special attention to someone, making personal comments about their appearance, hinting at romantic interest, creating and using inside jokes, drawing physically closer, playfully creating and drawing the other person into an intimate world where only the two of you can dwell. We see it happening all the time. Two coworkers always taking breaks together, a guy and a girl giggling together at youth group, someone going on checking their texts with a silly smile on their face.

Lewd flirting: Sexually suggestive comments or jokes, hinting at or suggesting sexual favors or a sexual relationship, complimenting someone's body, touching in a sexual way. This is never okay (outside of marriage), and can often verge on sexual harassment. I don't know why this has become so normalized, but I'm here to say: THIS IS NOT NORMAL OR HEALTHY. No wonder some men are confused about how to flirt with or relate to women after the #metoo movement happened. It's because their idea of flirting was already sexual and suggestive. Unfortunately too many women play along. (This also happens with women being the initiators, and guys given no socially acceptable way to reject them.)

Just plain dumb or gross flirting: Strange guys sending messages that say 'Hi sexy, wanna make frandship with me?' Most Bollywood style stalking, wolf-whistling, singing songs and over the top grand gestures or expensive gifts. I think many men in India need classes on how to pursue women if they think that is flirting.

So, let's say that lewd and dumb/gross flirting is never okay. Is flirting okay otherwise?

Like most things, context matters.

So when when is it a BAD idea to flirt with someone?

1. When you have no serious intention of following through: Flirting is sending a signal that you are interested in something more. If you flirt without having that interest or intention, then you are being dishonest, and can and will land up hurting a great many people.

2. When you are just trying to get some validation: Time for some honest reflection. Ask yourself "Why am I flirting?" If it is primarily to get that feel-good buzz, to make yourself feel like you are important or powerful or beautiful or attractive, or you want other people to think you are, then you are guilty of USING another human being instead of treating them with respect. No one deserves to be used like that, and people don't exist just to validate you or make you look good.

3. When you are in a relationship with someone else: Seems fairly self-evident, but to some people, it's hard to get out of the habit. Maybe you need to go on a flirting fast (even if you're single), to learn how to relate to people in a healthier way.

4. When the other person is in a relationship with someone else: Do I really need to say this? In case you're not sure, flirting is never just 'harmless fun'. Cut it off before it gets worse. If you'd prefer people not to flirt with your significant other, then make sure you are never that person. That goes for flirting with seminarians or priests too. Yes, it happens, and it's never okay, so please stop.

5. When the other person has shown they are not interested: Flirting can turn into throwing yourself at someone if you keep going when they don't respond. Take the hint, maintain your self-respect, and move on. And DON'T drunk-text, or drunk-flirt, or hang out with friends who encourage you to do stupid stuff like that. You're made for more.

When is it a GOOD idea to flirt with someone?

1. When you are interested in something more, and want to test the waters: If you are genuinely interested in someone, in a place where you are able to start a relationship, and you want to know if they are even a little interested before you ask them out, go ahead and flirt a little.

2. When you are dating someone or in a relationship or discerning marriage: Some religious people take themselves a little too seriously. Sometimes couples are trying so hard to be intentional and holy, that they forget that romance can also be holy. And when you're dating someone or discerning marriage, that is a great time to show that you're attracted to them. You can't (or shouldn't be) impersonal about something as personal as marriage. If my now-fiance hadn't flirted with me when we were dating and courting, I probably wouldn't have fallen head over heels in love with him and decided to marry him.

Obviously there is so much more to discernment than attraction and flirting, but it has a significant role to play. "Can I play with you? Are you attracted to me? Can we have fun together?" All of those questions are answered (one way or another) when you flirt, more than when you talk about serious topics.

3. When you are married: Sometimes in arranged marriages, and even in love marriages (as they're known in India), couples forget that they still need to show their spouse they're still attracted to them. There are too many jokes and references to 'the end of the honeymoon phase' as though all of the attraction and romance and fun are strictly reserved for courtship and the first few months of marriage.


via GIPHY

But you have a choice to keep the romance alive. I overheard my dad once instructing members of his men's group on the phone, "Buy her a gift for Valentine's day! Make a card! Do something special!" Maybe some people need to be reminded (especially men?), but flirting with your wife can be a great way to keep your marriage healthy. And hey, marriage is a great place for PRIVATE sexual jokes and intimacy. God has given the beautiful gift of sexual intimacy to enrich and nourish a marriage, why waste that gift or act like it's the domain of the unmarried or the unchaste?

In conclusion, if you are the kind of person to whom flirting is second-nature, maybe you need to work on relating to people as people, not objects of your romantic interest or manipulation. When you learn how to have fun or interesting conversations with people that are very obviously NOT flirtatious in nature, then when you DO choose to flirt, it means a lot more. Girls don't take guys who flirt easily or a lot very seriously, and I assume it's true the other way too.

But if you are the kind of person who is very serious or logical or intentional or cautious, don't forget that there is a right time for playfulness and flirtation and fun.

If you are not sure which one you need to work on, talk to the most sensible and well-balanced of your close friends, or a mentor that knows you in real life for their honest opinion. You may not like what they have to say, but you probably need to hear it anyway.

Have a question for me? Leave a comment or email me on solosenilejive@gmail.com and I'll try to answer it in my Ask Sue blog posts. 

Related Reading

Guys, Stop Texting Girls! And Other Super Helpful Advice for the 'Good' Guys 

How (and Why) Not To Fall in Love 

Why and How to Crush-Proof Your Heart


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Divine Renovation: Practical Ways to Renew Your Parish

If you are a disciple of Christ who attends a parish regularly, or works in a parish setting, you must be aware that there is something sorely lacking in the way our parishes run. Parishes do not seem to be forming disciples, instead either there seems to be indifference or lukewarmness, or bitter infighting and hypocrisy, or a focus on activities over discipleship, and sadly often it is experiences within the parish that seem to be pushing people away from the faith.

Most Catholic disciples I know came to faith and were formed in their faith outside the parish setting. It was either through the Charismatic renewal, or through a lay community or movement. When they try to work with or in the parish, it seems very challenging to thrive in the parish environment.

As someone who has worked with and in the Catholic Church for many years, sometimes in parish settings, I have often written about the need for change within the Church. I wrote about When I Get Tired of Being Catholic, The Different Levels of Conversion Needed in the Church, What’s Wrong with Catholic Youth Groups and The Two Big Missing Pieces of Our Catholic Faith.

Imagine my excitement when I came across a book called Divine Renovation: From a maintenance to a missional parish. Fr. James Mallon seems to have faced these problems first-hand as a parish priest in Canada, but instead of rolling over and dying, he allowed the Holy Spirit to work in bringing about real change. What I love most about the book is how PRACTICAL it is.

I want to share a few cool tips and ideas that you should definitely incorporate into your parish if you have a voice there. But before that HERE IS SOME SUPER-COOL NEWS.

Fr. James Mallon is going to be in MUMBAI on Saturday, June 15th for a Transforming Parishes Conference. It's for parish priests with their assistant and a lay leader. If you know your parish priest well, convince him to attend! What a great opportunity, right on our doorstep! Sign up here.

So here are a few of the many great insights and suggestions Fr. Mallon talks about:

1. Equip and empower the laity: 'The primary task of the pastor is not to do all the work of ministry himself, but to equip the saints to do the work of ministry... Ministry proper to laity should be allowed to flourish without clerical control: serving the poor, feeding the hungry, evangelizing, and forming small Christian communities where people are cared for, loved and helped to move towards maturity.' If everything has to be run by or controlled or micro-managed by the priest, or everything has to be run on church premises, your parish is never going to flourish. Of course the key is placing DISCIPLES (with common-sense) in positions of responsibility and leadership, not just power-hungry clerical-minded lay people.

2. Create a welcoming, hospitable parish culture: 'Hospitality does not mean being friendly with our friends and all the people who look, think, and talk like us, but reaching out to the stranger.' Form a hospitality team, welcoming every person who enters the church with a smile and a handshake, reaching out to strangers, and unfamiliar faces (especially the poor and visitors from other religions). At weddings and funerals and Christmas and Good Friday services, acknowledge and greet the many newcomers from the pulpit, and help them understand what is going on. And for goodness sake, move to the middle of the pew so people who are standing have place to sit!

3. Create a welcome booth: Make it easy for newcomers to get information about joining the parish and parish activities. 'Staff it with friendly parishioners who are eager to help.' My team and I once did a Christmas day welcome booth at my parish, and we invited visitors to attend an evangelistic Christmas programme a few days later. People were visible touched by our friendliness, obviously not something they had ever experienced while visiting a church before. Why not every Sunday?

4. New Parishioner Event: Get someone from the hospitality team to get in touch with new parishioners, and invite them to a short hour-long event (with not more than 20 new parishioners) to get to know the parish priest, a member of the welcome team, etc and each other. Fr. James' parish did wine and cheese, we can do cake and coffee. People need to feel connected. In our big parishes in India, it's so easy to feel lost and invisible. We have to be very intentional about helping people connect.

5. Use uplifting, beautiful music: I loved Fr. James' entire section on music. There are different kinds of hymns, but we need to give pride of place to hymns that are not just talking about God, but talking TO God. 'It is in praise to God that we move away from fixating on the idea of God to the experience of God... It is hymns of praise that move the heart most and help lead those who gather into a personal encounter with Jesus.' How many of us can say that about hymns we sing at Mass? I remember the harmonized, melodic Mass hymns I experienced in the Philippines, and compare it with the jarring 60s pop music in churches in India. We can do better! Beautiful music is evangelistic.

6. Preaching the Good News: The kerygma should be at the center of every homily. 'Every homily.. ought to preach Jesus Christ, his death and resurrection, and the new life found in him.' No more tired self-help, or vaguely inspirational messages. Last year I heard a young Salesian deacon give an excellent homily about 'second chances with Jesus'. It was simple, direct, clear, evangelistic and hopeful. Even the kids in the congregation were listening intently. Preach with joy, preach with love, and preach the GOOD NEWS of Jesus Christ. 'Have a group of parishioners who will give you brutally honest feedback about your preaching.' (Preferably clear-minded disciples.) Painful, but effective.

7. Create opportunities for every parishioner to encounter Jesus and the power of the Holy Spirit: The tool Fr. James uses and I highly recommend is a programme called Alpha. 'Alpha is a ten-session process that re-introduces the Christian faith.' It's welcoming, non-threatening, always involves food and friendship, is a great way to invite and include friends and family, can be run in people's homes, and helps people feel a sense of belonging and community.

8. Name Tag Sunday: Once a month get every parishioner to wear a name tag, and greet people they don't know before or after Mass. It makes it easier to say hello to someone new, something I often struggle with. 'Just like the Cheers theme song goes, we really do have a deep desire to go where people know our names... We want to go to war with the notion of anonymous Christianity.' 

9. Prayer Ministry after Mass: I love this! Have trained prayer teams available after every Mass, and invite anyone who needs prayer to approach them. I have often tried to remember to offer to pray with people, in the moment and aloud, rather than the usual promises to pray later that are often forgotten. Prayer ministry is the next level. What an easy way to connect with and love the people who show up at church. I have often thought about how parish offices should have a cozy little room where there is always someone available to offer a cup of coffee, a listening ear, and a prayer.

10. Inviting people: If we want to be missionary parishes, we need to be willing to invite people for evangelistic events, to prayer meetings, bible sharings, Mass, Adoration, youth group, concerts, etc. We cannot continue to exist only for ourselves, but must go outside and invite people in. But how? Start by praying for the people you're planning to invite. Pray for courage. Don't be afraid of getting a no. 'We are responsible for inviting, but not for the response to the invitation.' Also, 'success is the number of people being invited, not the number that show up.' Sow the seed, and allow God to work. And be persistent if the answer is 'Not this time'.

Okay, obviously there is a LOT more in the book which I highly recommend that you read. Buy a copy for your parish priest. Look up the Divine Renovation website. And invite the Holy Spirit to transform your parish!