Why and How to Crush-Proof Your Heart

Ha ha you fell for my clickbait title! Of course you can’t crush-proof your heart. What a ridiculous claim! You may as well say, how to not be human.

BUT from my long and illustrious past as a regular crush-haver I will say that I have definitely seen that I played a major part in my own self-destructive spirals.

Hold on, I haven’t presented why I think crushes are to be avoided at all. Aren’t they just a fun and exciting part of life? You would think so, except when you are smack-dab in the middle of a yet another hopeless and painful crush.

Okay, here’s the bullet point list.

• Crushes are not based on reality. So the more often you are consumed by a crush, the less you are able to live in the real world. '
• Crushes can tempt us to treat people as objects. Crushes are ALL about ‘the way you make me feel’, not about the actual person.
• Crushes can be dangerous, because they lead us further and further down a path of attention-seeking and thrill-seeking. 
• The bigger we allow a crush to become, the less we are able to love and focus on real relationships and human beings in our lives. 
• Crushes way too easily turn obsessive. You know it’s true, all you Facebook stalkers out there!
• Crushes can be freakin’ painful. Maybe not heartbreak painful (he loved me and left me types), but most definitely heartache painful. And not a suffering that comes with truly loving someone, but self-inflicted wounds that play on our insecurities, fears and unfulfilled desires. 

Convinced yet? Even if you are, you are probably very skeptical of your power to prevent any of that pain. Crushes just happen, right? Well, partly. Attraction just happens. Not all attraction has to turn into a full-blown crush. So here are my best tips to strengthen your emotional boundaries, and replacing infatuation with a more authentic brand of love.

1. Accept that this is a long process of retraining your emotions. There is no shortcut method.

2. Quickest, most brutal but most effective method - stop feeding on emotional candy. Romance novels, chick flicks, listening to ‘Perfect’ on repeat, cutesy #relationship goals memes, romantic fanfic, Taylor Swift and Ed Sheeran music videos. If you aren’t willing to significantly cut down on that, you are most likely doomed to live this way forever. I’m not saying NEVER watch a romcom, just know yourself, and pace yourself. If you need to do a movie fast for a while, do it! Replace these things with good books, classical music, world issues, biographies, sci-fi… the world is full of interesting things!

3. Start looking at the opposite sex with new eyes. You are only going to land up with ONE person (hopefully). That means everyone else should be a brother or a sister. Girls, can you decide to look at every new guy you meet as a brother and a friend, not a potential spouse or boyfriend for you or your best friend?

4. Look at people as they really are, and get to know them, warts and all. Spend real time with them. Ask them questions. Usually people are annoying enough and REAL enough that once you get to know them, the rosy crush glow starts fading away. Then either you have a REAL friendship based on accepting and liking the person for who they are, or you er.. don’t. I read somewhere ‘The more you talk to a person the more you either love them or hate them’. That’s how I got over most of my crushes. :-D

5. Absolutely NO Facebook stalking! Or any other type of stalking. Don’t go down that road.

6. No keeping of souvenirs, photos, clothes belonging to the crush. Don’t feed it! Self-control! You’re better than this! Do you really want to become the crazy girl from The Crush? (Watched it when I was 12, scarred me for life.)

7. Keep your mind and your heart busy. An idle mind is the devil’s workshop – it’s not just a saying our parents came up with to make us work harder. Find ways to fill your days and time with projects that excite you and stimulate your mind. Organize an after school activity for underprivileged kids! Write a book! Paint a picture! Start an NGO! Look for a different job if all it does is bore you and keep you dreaming about a person you don’t have.

8. Invest in the relationships you already have. Love is NOT just a feeling, and it is definitely not anywhere close to an infatuation. So train yourself in real love by learning the love languages of the people around you, and using them!

9. Don’t obsess! I don’t know if guys do this, but we girls love to sit and talk and talk about our crushes, reliving and analyzing every word or action, feeling the feelings all over again. You may feel attracted to someone, you don’t have to immediately talk it out. Most times what may have passed easily gets blown up into this BIG THING.

10. Attraction is not always romantic. The next time you feel drawn or attracted to someone, look at them, and say “I am attracted to the goodness, beauty, kindness of this person because it reflects the goodness, beauty, kindness of God.” You can feel drawn to someone without needing to own them, or needing them to prove that you too are attractive. It’s kind of like what we joking call man-crushes or girl-crushes… but let’s expand it to all people of both sexes. That way, when you ARE in a relationship, you are still able to relate to people who are not your spouse. Did you know married people still have crushes? No big deal… as long as they don’t act on them. But even better if we can all train ourselves to look at people differently, not as objects of our emotional or sexual fantasies, but as PERSONS with innate value and dignity quite apart from the way they make us feel about ourselves.

11. Invest in healthy friendships with people who love and value you so that you are not constantly looking for someone to validate you or give you attention.

12. Change the channel when you start day-dreaming. You can’t prevent a sudden thought from barging into your mind, but you can sure as heck show it to the door. Why yes, fantasizing about kissing someone is a way of objectifying a human being.

I wasted a LOT of my younger years obsessing on one crush after another. Of course it was occasionally exciting when someone I liked seemed to like me back, or even paid me the smallest amount of attention. But the result of a crush-heavy life was that I was sad a lot of the time, because those crushes were visual representations of unfulfilled desires. I would go on family holidays, ignoring my family, and walk around depressed because I just wished I had a boyfriend. What an idiot!

Thankfully in my early 20s God gave me a loving but firm wake-up call, and I stopped being bored and boring and started LIVING my life. I have still had crushes after that, but they have been far less frequent, and not as powerful or painful (with a few lapses for shorter periods of time). I still feel the feelings, but my emotions don’t control me. I am far happier with who I am (SINGLE AND 32 WHAT WHAT!) and am able to have healthy and good relationships with most people I meet.

What I’m saying is, if you follow all my tips, YOU TOO CAN CRUSH-PROOF YOUR HEART, BECOME INVULNERABLE AND NEVER FACE HEARTACHE AGAIN!

Kidding. Just kidding.

Recommended reading:

Fill These Hearts by Christopher West
How (and Why) Not To Fall in Love 
Guys, Stop Texting Girls! And Other Super Helpful Advice for the 'Good' Guys

The Different Levels of Conversion Needed in the Church

Sherry Weddell in a book called Forming Intentional Disciples wrote about how many Catholics who were involved in church activities and service didn’t seem to be intentional disciples. I think it’s obvious to most Catholics that just being baptized on its own doesn’t seem to form a recognizably Christ-like human being. Cooperation with grace is needed. But then again most Catholics don’t seem to have a good idea of what it DOES mean to live as an authentic follower of Christ aka a disciple. We are all called to ongoing conversion, and these are some of the levels people often need to get past.

The Malicious Schemers, Manipulators and Abusers 

Okay to be completely honest, as far as I know I have never met anyone like this. I believe they exist, the people who KNOW they are wrong, but put on a front to deceive others, while continuing to choose evil. The truly twisted and depraved, most likely with troubled childhoods. I’m thinking of Fr. Maciel and other abusers within the church, those with their own agenda, and unscrupulous methods to cover up their evil acts. Brr. One day they will have to answer to God for their actions. But most people don’t fall into that category. We have far more of

The Politicians and Diplomats 

While I realize there is a need for diplomacy and tact, I think many in the church have forgotten that they are called to be prophets first and diplomats second. Such Christians seem to live to maintain balance, worldly accolades and the good reputation of the Church, while forgetting that the goal is heaven. Sometimes smooth-talking and double-faced, they also often scheme and manipulate, but they believe they are doing the right thing, and that the ends justify the means. They usually don’t have much room or interest in the work of the Holy Spirit, because He might just upset the apple-cart.

The Bitter Cynics 

To be honest, most of these guys don’t stay in the Church very long. They have seen enough of the first two types to be very mistrustful of anyone who represents the church, and by association the Church and of course Jesus Himself. They assume the worst about every religious person, read up on every anti-church conspiracy, and assume everyone in the church is either a villain or an idiot. While themselves hurt, these guys have built a fortress of pride around their hearts and minds and have stopped seeking truth and seeing goodness.

The Puffed-Up Clericalists 

At the forefront of every religious function, they love the authority and the power that comes with some of the structures of the Church. They are quite happy to hold up the hoops that people have to jump through. They are often sharp or abrupt, the power they wield corrupting their own perspective of themselves. They seek visible roles and recognition, and forget that all those who lead or work in any capacity in the church are called to be servants of all.

The Superstitious Idolaters 

Since ignorance is usually at the root of the casual idolatry we see among certain baptized Catholics, it may not be the most evil of sins. It is however deeply sad- these guys often live under fear, trying not only to appease a distant and unapproachable god with rituals and traditions, but keep at bay all the other evil forces by following every other religious tradition they come across. They often have giant statues of Mary, and not even a picture of Jesus. They do novenas, but won't go to Mass. They are not aware of a personal God and a faith and tradition based on reason.

The Well-Meaning Unevangelized Uncatechized 

Now these guys just want everyone to get along, and think that in order for that to happen they need to accept all the ‘nice’ truths, and none of the inconvenient ones. They will have a hard time admitting that maybe Jesus meant what He said when he said “I am the way, the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” But they are kind to people, get along well with people of other faiths, and in general try to be a good person. They are not malicious, but have just never been introduced to a very personal God of Love, and the freedom-giving truths He gave us through the Church. They are susceptible to any and all lies masked as ‘inspirational’ or ‘spiritual’ gyaan (knowledge). On the other side of the spectrum are

The Catechized Unevangelized 

These guys are often armchair apologists, who know the Catechism and documents of the Church inside out. Unfortunately they are also the people often straining a gnat and swallowing a camel. They are legalists, and think that if everyone just read the CCC and follow the liturgical norms, and perhaps went back to the Latin Mass, the world would be changed. They know the truth, but often it seems that they do not know the Truth-giver. They feel very uncomfortable with any terminology that sounds 'Protestant' to them, like a familiar way of talking to or about Jesus. But they consider their bitterest enemies usually

The Unevangelized SJWs 

Unlike many, I don’t think the term social justice warrior is derogatory, but if you subtract a saving knowledge of Jesus from their hearts and minds, then these guys turn into activists who consider the Church an archaic institution that needs to get with the times. Church teaching may not hold much weight with them, as they prefer to acquire teachers and theologians who tickle their ears with more ‘accepting’ teachings. Once again, pride holds sway, as a healthy desire for justice turns a disciple into his own god. Humility seeks to understand why Jesus said what He did, and why His Church has held the same position for centuries.

The Uncatechized Evangelized 

Such people have often attended a retreat (or many retreats), and have fallen in love with Jesus, experienced freedom from sin and darkness in their lives, and believe that only in Christ can they live a life of freedom and love. But many of them have never set down roots in the unchanging truths of Christ given to the Church, and so they have a hard time with sustaining a life of discipleship. When glib teachers use the bible to prove a point, they are often swept away from the Eucharist, the life-giving source of grace. Or they fall for the prosperity gospel, and crumble when God allows suffering.

The Catechized Evangelized Black-and-Whiters 

Now these guys have come to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ. They know the teaching of the Church well, and love it as the truth. But they often have a hard time accepting that God can work outside the lines He created. They can sometimes tend towards generalizations, and being judgmental or suspicious, and perhaps being ‘more Catholic than the Pope’. They may find it difficult to accept human weakness, the slow work of the Holy Spirit, the many, many areas that the Church leaves to our prudential judgment, and the many, many different ways that God calls and uses people.

The Catechized Evangelized Undiscipled 

These are the guys who have a genuine love for Christ, a pretty solid understanding of the teachings of the Church, but when it comes to living it out in their daily life, the rubber has a hard time hitting the road. Whether it’s their love life, their use of finances or spare time, or their relationships, they have just not gone all the way in living out the marriage with Christ, not just the romance. They are in need of the next step of conversion, walking with other people who are willing to guide and disciple them.

The Catechized Evangelized Comfort-zoners 

Similar to the last category, these guys have taken the big step into the household of faith, but then they got really cozy in one corner of it, and fell asleep. They forgot they are supposed to be in an army, not a luxury cruise (sorry, too many metaphors in one paragraph). These guys need to be converted to their mission- of loving till it hurts, befriending and lifting up the poor, and bringing to others the saving knowledge of Jesus Christ.

So what is the final stage, the stage hopefully we are moving towards? Who are the missionary disciples? Who are the saints in the church today? 

I have met a few of these guys. They are not perfect, but they are in love. They know and walk with Jesus, and you know they do because they are open to people. They are not suspicious or fearful, but open to the working of the Holy Spirit in people and events. They are convicted, but they are humble. They have their weaknesses, but they are willing to listen to feedback, and reorient themselves. They hold fast to the truth, but are willing to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. They are kind. They are willing to take unpopular stands, but not just on the internet – they personally walk the talk. They are committed to Christ even when it costs them. They pledge and live unreserved obedience and faithfulness to the daily will of God.

I’m not really at the final stage. Well, sometimes I am, and then I take a detour back to one of the other stages. But that’s why we are called to ongoing daily conversion. Let us begin again, and pray for renewal in our Church and in ourselves.

Related Reading

Joy of the Gospel

The Two Big Missing Pieces of Our Catholic Faith

Rad-Trads, Liberals, and Finding Balance in the Catholic Church

If My Friends and I Were Mary and Elizabeth at the Visitation…

In those days Sue set out after procrastinating for a few weeks, obsessively checking ‘what to expect in your first trimester of pregnancy’, and (over) packing her bags accordingly. She got to the house of Zechariah, and before she could even greet Elizabeth, she flopped into a chair, and exclaimed, 

“Oh my gosh, girl, have you any idea how bad the roads to Judea are? My legs are killing me!” 

“I know exactly what you mean! Man, pregnancy at my age!” 

“Which is SO cool by the way!” 

“I KNOW, right?! God is good! Who could have imagined! You should hear all the other old cats talking about it, I’m the talk of the town.” 

“Oh yeah, people love to gossip. At least you’re MARRIED! I thank God for Joseph – he has been a GEM, so discreet. But let’s get down to business. I need some tips for the morning sickness! And is it normal to have cramps? What has it been like for you?” 

“Well- OH!” “What? What happened?” 

“Oh my gosh, put your hand here! Can you feel that? Baby just jumped for joy! I think he KNOWS!” 

“WOW! So exciting. And yet.. so scary! What lies ahead? Where am I going to give birth? I hope my mum will be there. Can this baby really be… the son of God? I mean, I know it’s true, but it feels so unreal! How am I supposed to figure this all out? It’s not like angels come visit me every day, telling me what the next step is! And Joseph has been so great, but I’m sure he has the same questions too. I’m sure he thinks I’ve got it all figured out… but I really don’t! Why wouldn’t Gabriel give me a slightly more detailed plan? Maybe even a five year plan. How am I supposed to mother GOD? Does that even make sense? Do you think God accidentally picked the wrong person? Maybe Gabriel was supposed to appear to my neighbour, Miriam- there's a nice, composed, holy girl for you. Gaaah! These hormones are making me crazy! Or maybe that's just me. I love my sweet tiny baby already, but how can it be, that I can be so protective of my Protector? How come I’m in charge of this tiny human?” 

“You know, Sue, technically, God is still in charge.” 

“I KNOW. But STILL. He seems to expect a lot of me. He definitely seems to trust me more than I trust me.” 

“I often feel the same way. You know, Zechariah STILL can’t speak? I know something crazy happened that day in the temple, and he has been so tender and reverent since that day. But he can’t speak! Why would God have cursed him and blessed me? How does that even make sense? What if he never speaks again? What if our child never hears his father’s voice?” 

“Life is pretty confusing sometimes. I suppose God will work it all out. Anyway… is it okay if I take a nap now?” 

Yeah, so I noticed when I was reading Luke's account of the Visitation just how different my approach to life is from Mary’s. Basically, no matter how great the blessings, I will still land up talking about all the challenges, the potential struggles, the doubts and questions, the anxiety I feel, and the many, many things that could go wrong. Of course, it is good to be honest.

BUT like Mary and Elizabeth, I think I would like to spend a little more time and focus on just reveling in the Lord’s goodness, remembering the good things He has already done, and entrusting the unknown future to Him. It's a little less melodramatic and leaves less room for self-pity. It may be less funny than humorous re-tellings of my mishaps and trials. It may take a conscious act of the will to change the obsessive, overthinking habits of years. But sometimes I just need to stay in the moment and sing my own Magnificat.

The INTJ’s Guide to Not Being a Party Pooper

1. When people get really excited about completely impractical and unrealistic ideas 

a. Do NOT say, “That is a completely impractical and unrealistic idea.”
b. DO summon up a little excitement and interest and find something at least not negative to say.
c. Although it may be too much to expect you to say, “What a great idea!” sincerely, at least do NOT say “What a great idea!” in a sarcastic tone.
d. Instead try, “That’s very interesting! What made you think of it?”
e. Or “Yeah, that could work! Maybe if you just (add something to make it slightly more practical).” f. At worst, just think of follow-up questions so you don’t have to provide an actual opinion.

2. When people throw you a surprise party 
a. Rearrange your facial expression from horrified to mildly excited.
b. Do NOT say “I totally knew about it. There were clues EVERYWHERE! I’m too smart to be lied to.”
c. Instead say, “Wow! You guys!”and imply the line “I had NO idea!” without actually saying it, to save your integrity.
d. Don’t hide in the bathroom for more than ten minutes.

3. When people stay too late at a party you are hosting 

a. Do not disappear and hope everyone will just leave.
b. Do not get grumpier and grumpier and quieter and quieter.
c. Instead, at 9 pm, stand at the door and cheerfully say, “Well, THANK YOU guys for coming!” (It'll take them a few years to catch on to this trick.)
d. If they don’t get the hint, ask people how they’re planning on getting home, and arrange rides for them. e. If they absolutely refuse to leave, you have permission to disappear until they do.

4. When someone comes up with a spontaneous plan 

a. Do not list all obvious flaws in the plan (it’s too hot, there’s no way you’ll get back in time, you haven't factored in naps, etc)
b. Do not convince everyone else they shouldn’t go.
c. Instead smile and say, “You guys have fun! Thanks for inviting me though!”
d. If they get annoyed, just be self-deprecating- “Aw, you know me – boring and old!”
e. Do NOT be annoyed with them when they actually go and all the predicted problems occur. Swallow that 'I told you so.'
f. Remind them to invite you four days in advance next time they have a ‘spontaneous’plan, and allow you to help with the planning.

5. When at a party 

a. Do NOT verbally critique the social dynamics, the lighting, the food, the music and the clothes to your neighbors.
b. Instead use your mastermind powers for good – organize games, initiate conversations or introduce people to defuse awkward social situations.
c. Once everyone is having fun, go hide somewhere and check Facebook or take a nap without guilt. 

6. When in a conversation 

a. Do NOT use your phone to fact-check more than once.
b. Practise saying, “I guess there’s more than one way to look at it.”
c. Remind yourself that conversation is for getting to know people, not making a point.
d. Remember the last time you had a conversation with another INTJ – how annoying it can be to be with someone who HAS to be right all the time.
e. Listen to understand, not to reply. Do NOT dominate the conversation. Even if you have the perfect factoid, perspective or anecdote, hold it in. (Blog about it later.)

7. When someone comes in for a hug 

a. Do NOT run in the opposite direction.
b. Do NOT awkwardly high five instead.
c. DO allow yourself to be hugged.
d. Soak in the human connection for a few seconds, then smoothly disengage.
e. Pretend it was not awkward that you didn't hug back.

8. To prepare for the day 

a. Go to bed on time the night before. Stop reading comment sections, articles and blogs. Stop feeding your brain and get some sleep.
b. In the morning, repeat the INTJ bible verse: And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge... but do not have love, I am nothing.1 Corinthians 13: 2
c. Repeat “I do NOT have to be God today. God is God, and I am not. I do NOT have to save the world all by myself.”
d. Repeat “There is a fine line between confidence and arrogance, and I know I sometimes cross it. Keep me humble today, God.”
e. Practise getting rid of your generic resting face 'How could anyone be that stupid?' facial expression. Lift those lips, unroll those eyes, and un-scrunch those eyebrows.

9. During the day 

a. Sing at least one song aloud. Bonus points if you join somebody else who is singing aloud.
b. Stop and smell the roses. Or look at the sky. Or go for a walk. Just stop staring at that screen!
c. Every time one critical comment escapes your lips, add two affirming or positive comments about the same person/incident/topic.
d. Walk into a room and say something fun and positive – “What a gorgeous day! How’s everyone doing?” People may be a little shocked at the beginning, but they’ll get used to it.
e. When people ask you how things are going, discard all low-key complaints or hopeless analyses, and think of one exciting or good thing that is happening in your life or the world.

You can do this, INTJs! Go be awesome! And kind! And joyful!

The Two Big Missing Pieces of Our Catholic Faith

As y’all can probably tell, I extensively read and write about the practise of the Catholic faith in the world today. Also, did I mention I was an INTJ? Maybe once or twice. That means I am a PROBLEM-SOLVER. I must know the answers, find the solutions. My brain and heart (what heart?) won’t rest until I find the perfect answer to the problems of the world. While there is no obvious, practical answer, I remain disturbed and not at peace.

Over the years, I have come to be more and more certain that the answer to everything is Jesus. Overly simple, but sometimes the truth is. In a more specific way, the Catholic faith, with its rich body of unchanging truth, the transforming grace of the sacraments and the beautiful witness of the saints through the ages. And yet this answer seems lacking.

Here’s the problem. There are over a billion Catholics in the world today, and more than 2 billion Christians… and yet the problems remain. The ugliness of human sin, the despair of lives without meaning, the repeated wounds we inflict on those closest to us, the indifference to suffering of others, a lack of true and fulfilling joy… It seems to pervade Christians and non-Christians alike.

I’ve seen it everywhere, in many of the Christian and Catholic circles I have spent time in, in parishes, communities, in movements and youth groups. And because of that, many are leaving the Catholic faith, often choosing the possibly more comforting uncertainty of agnosticism. Because if Jesus promised fullness of life why is it that so few Christians seem to be living it? It’s like we’ve got hold of part of the answer, but there are some crucial pieces missing from the jigsaw puzzle. Everyone has opinions about what’s missing.

Here are some of the answers I’ve heard people come up with-

It’s the liturgy. If only we returned to a beautiful liturgy and better music in our Masses, that would bring people back to the truth, beauty and goodness of God.

Better catechesis and apologetics. It seems like most people have no clear idea of what the Church actually teaches, and even the idea of truth has been obscured. If we catechized young Catholics better, they would love truth and spread truth.

Spread of humanism over religion. Religion itself is the problem. If we taught people to just help people, and cut out all divisive references to God, then we will achieve self-fulfilment, true harmony and brotherhood among all people.

Practise of meditation/ yoga. If we set aside time for silence and meditation every day, we will find inner peace and an awareness of our own divinity.

I suppose it is superfluous to say I don’t agree any of these are real solutions (although some of them seem to have elements of truth). Many of these have been tried and found lacking.

Our Masses could definitely do with a big helping of beauty (I still cringe through most music selections). But I’ve heard of many ‘traditionalist Latin Mass Catholics’ who seem to lean towards exclusivity and being judgmental, so apparently beauty doesn’t protect from that. Truth and a love for and an understanding of truth are hugely important. But I’ve come across plenty of apologists who are obsessed with truth over love, and don’t seem to be drawing people into anything except an argument (that was me once upon a time).

Selfless service to humanity is one of the most desperately needed and Christ-like ways to live. Yet humanists seem to rely on their own inner goodness, which unfortunately falls short too often, and all too soon we come face to face with the selfishness and fickleness of most people, and even ourselves (if we’re honest), leading to disillusioned and cynical ex-do-gooders. Those who regularly practise some form of meditation do seem to have an edge over the rest, because silence is a good place to start to know ourselves and God. But too often meditation and yoga can only help with an experience, not a real transformation of the heart or the world.

So what has my brilliant INTJ-brain come up with as the two big missing pieces?

1. Entering into a personal relationship with Jesus and becoming intentional disciples

Yeah, yeah, sounds obvious. But it isn’t! From my experience, most Catholics are either unfamiliar or uncomfortable with talking about God as if He is a Person that they know. Ask a Catholic, “What has God been saying to you recently?” and see if that question confuses and confounds them. The bigger problem is that no one asks that question in Catholic circles.

And what is this concept of ‘discipleship’? It means being a Catholic is more than just a side hobby for one’s life. Full disclosure: I’m on Catholic dating website, and too many profiles seem to be of young men who seem to belong to a Catholic club that adds an interesting element to their normal life of job, family, travel and hobbies. But being a CHRISTIAN is so much more!

Like the motto of one community I’ve been involved with: “All of my life for the rest of my life.” It means re-ordering EVERYTHING in one’s life and seeking God’s will in everything. How many Catholics are truly willing to ask God what HIS plan is for their lives, rather than telling Him their plan and asking Him to bless it? How many are willing to ask GOD if they should have another child, or give up a lucrative job opportunity or a promotion, whether they should emigrate, or spend their leisure time differently, or change how they spend their pay cheque?

The true disciple says, “Lord, I will go wherever you want me to go, do whatever you want me to do, say whatever you want me to say, and give up whatever you want me to give up.” 

I see the obvious lack of this element everywhere I go – Catholics on social media are quite happy to talk or share posts about theology, apologetics, devotions, saints, chastity or virtues. But I have rarely comes across any who talk about their own walk with God. Same for priests in their homilies. We hear tips for self-improvement, generic exhortations to love others and be better people, sometimes good theology, but I have rarely heard a priest talk about how God has convicted him in prayer. Youth groups are about personality development and a platform to showcase our talents, instead of falling in love with Jesus. No wonder people leave the Church- they have not yet met the God we talk so much about!

2. A life lived closely to the poor: 

I HAVE met many Catholics who have fallen in love with Jesus and talk about Him in a personal and intimate way. Almost all of them have had a personal encounter with Jesus through the Charismatic renewal. I can pretty easily spot those who have – and it’s not the ‘Hallelujah’s and ‘Praise the Lord’s they shout at random moments. Just kidding, most don’t do that.

But I do see a comfort with prayer and God’s Word, they are often in Adoration chapels, they are not visibly uncomfortable with the concept of evangelization, they often seem more open and interested in what God is doing in the world today. Other Catholics often seem more cynical and negative, or more comfortable with Christianity as a theory, not a love affair.

But. Too many Christians who are into their faith still stop short of a truly obedient counter-cultural witness to the world – the witness of a life lived in solidarity with the poor. I don’t mean that Christians are not generous to the poor. Many are – they will write cheques, create foundations, sponsor orphans. The Catholic Church is one of the biggest charities in the world.

But most of us want to remain in our comfortable bubbles, our social circles of equally privileged friends and family and communities. We do our bible studies and prayer meetings and conferences and retreats. And we give a small percentage, making sure that it will not affect our hobbies and lifestyles. We live in our (sometimes metaphorical) gated communities occasionally making a quick awkward visit to an orphanage at Christmas, and then rush back to our comfy lives and our ministry among those like us. Gospel poverty is for a select few, we say, like Mother Teresa. 

James 2: 15- 17 says, "If a brother or sister is naked and lacks daily food, and one of you says to them, "Go in peace; keep warm and eat your fill," and yet you do not supply their bodily needs, what is the good of that? So faith by itself, if it has no works, is dead." That's not really an if. Our brothers and sisters ARE naked and DO lack daily food."

If we unstop our ears, we can hear clearly that God is calling us to far more. Pope Francis, Mother Teresa, most of the saints, the words of Scripture shout out plainly that unless we prioritise the poor, we are far from the Kingdom of God. As long as the poor continue to suffer, and we Christians continue to go about our business, our witness will never have power.

I speak prophetic words here – if each of us individual Catholics, as well as our parishes and communities and youth groups will give our HEARTS to God (not just our intellectual assent) to enter a real relationship with Him, and pledge Him unreserved obedience, and if we will give up our privilege to help carry a small part of the burden of a suffering world, making friendship with the poor a normal part of our lives, we will begin to see REAL renewal in the Church. 

No more lip service or hypocrisy, but an unquenchable fire; an irresistible attraction to a world that is looking for authentic witness; power to our words about the saving power of Jesus Christ; a real joy and peace that the world cannot steal or replicate; spiritual fruitfulness, conversions, and visible signs and wonders.

I speak so confidently because I have a seen a small portion of the Church live this life of radical discipleship and gospel poverty, and I can see the difference in their lives. They still have problems and suffering, but their lives shine with Gospel joy. I know it’s easy to write about, and far more challenging to live out (don’t tell me, I’m still working on it). But let’s begin by admitting we have a problem, and asking God to show us the next step.

Highly Recommended Reading

Forming Intentional Disciples by Sherry Weddell
Happy Are You Poor by Fr. Thomas Dubay
A Poor Priest for the Poor: The Life of Fr. Rick Thomas SJ by Richard Dunstan
Divine Renovation by Fr. James Mallon
The Hole in the Gospel by Richard Stearns
The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne

For Those Who Don’t Have Loving Mothers

Yes, we all know it’s Mother’s Day. I’ve been seeing ads for days for the perfect mother’s day gift, and today my Facebook feed blew up with pictures of everyone with their mothers. Even the priest at Mass this morning extolled the virtues of mothers in his homily.

It made me wonder – what about those who have never had that kind of relationship in their lives? There is an assumption that EVERYONE has a mother. Everyone has had someone who has given birth to them, but many have not had a loving, stable mother relationship in their lives.

I don’t mean the people who have lost their mothers. Most of them have at least their memories, their belief that their mom is still loving them from heaven. But there are some who have never known that kind of love.

Not all mothers have lived up to the standard of motherhood that the world presents as the norm. Not all mothers have loved unconditionally. Too many mothers have compared their children unfavourably to others, wished they were fairer, smarter, or a different sex. Too many have reminded their children again and again that they are disappointments. Too many have looked at their children and seen their own failures. Some children have never felt seen and valued just as they are.

Not all mothers have been a stable presence. Some have abandoned their children. Some have had fluctuating moods and tempers, sometimes mentally unstable, sometimes even abusive. Some have been slaves to their own addictions, and have been more of the child than the mother in their relationship with their children.

Not all mothers have been affectionate and loving. Some have been cold and critical, doing to their children what their parents did to them. Some have been emotionally manipulative, only pleasant when they get their way, withholding affection when they haven’t. Some have been just emotionally unavailable, unable to say a kind, affirming word, or offer an affectionate physical touch.

Not all mothers have been a safe haven, a welcoming embrace. Instead they have been demanding, pushy, and accusing. No choice has been safe from criticism. They may still be trying to control their adult children, criticizing their bodies, their parenting skills, their life choices, and their beliefs. Every encounter has left their child feeling shaky and insecure.

For those who do not have loving mother-relationships, Mother’s Day must be salt in the wound. If this is you, I want you to know you are not forgotten, and you are not alone. Our hearts were made for a safe mother-love, and to be deprived of that is cruel and painful, and the effect of the ugliness of sin in the world.

But the love you crave is still available. God is not just Father, but has the tender, fiercely protective love of a mother too!

Can a woman forget her nursing-child,
or show no compassion for the child of her womb?
Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you.
See, I have inscribed you on the palms of my hands.
Isaiah 49: 15-16

Yet it was I who taught Ephraim to walk,
I took them up in my arms; but they did not know that I healed them.
I led them with cords of human kindness, with bands of love.
I was to them like those who lift infants to their cheeks.
I bent down to them and fed them.
Hosea 11:3-4

Mothers were not supposed to fail us, but reveal the love of God. But they often have. And God comes to redeem that ache.

Like a good mama, God’s embrace is always available to us, his love tender and compassionate. He does not wait for us to get our act together before He will love us. He is willing to give us second chances. He is gentle when we are wounded. He has compassion on our weakness. He will always be the shoulder we can lean on, the strong, steady and calm presence we crave.

As a Catholic, I know of an extra gift He gives us – Mary, who in a special way takes on this role of motherhood for all those who need a mother. She too has an embrace that takes everyone in. If you have struggled with your own mother, ask her to be your mother. I pray for all those who are aching with the pain of an unfulfilled desire for a mom, that you will crawl into the arms of Mary, and allow her to take you to God. His love is more than enough.

You are loved.

Adventures, Discoveries and Lessons from a Month in America

Travel is a privilege! It’s not my first time abroad, but my first time was when I was 24, and I had never even been on a plane before that, so I am still VERY aware that this is never something to take for granted. Of course, I am trying to find a happy mean between being an intimidated newbie and a world-weary bored traveller. Airports used to be scary, but now I try to grit my teeth through security lines and immigration checks, and enjoy the people-watching, and unabashed introvert time of movies and food on the long flights.

Life in the US is (for many people, and for ME), very, very comfortable- you can adjust the temperature inside your house so that the heat or the cold never have to affect you for very long; even churches are air-conditioned; most adults own their own cars; meat and cheese are not luxuries but part of a daily diet; houses are big; it’s not unusual to have your own bedroom; stores have EVERYTHING your flesh could desire; hot water flows 24-7 from faucets, you don’t have to worry about the hot water finishing as you shower; dishwashers and dryers make life so much easier. I loved it all! My flesh LOVES comfort.

Like Saint Paul, I know what it is to have little, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned not to hold on too tight to the good things I received, and I’m grateful to have returned to a life of simplicity and routine. I’m glad I didn’t stay too long. It’s too easy for me to start feeling like luxuries are necessities. The heat of the Indian summer has hit me like a brick, and I’m trying to remember that it is good to be in solidarity with the vast majority of the world that cannot adjust the temperature to their comfort.

But I sure enjoyed the cool weather and warm jackets in IL

Hospitality is one of the keys to changing the world. I spent ten days with the parents of one of my closest friends. They not just welcomed me into their home, but opened their hearts to me, treated me as their daughter, and graciously made me feel like I was doing THEM a favour by paying them a visit. We spent hours talking, as they shared marriage and family tips with me (no, I’m not getting married, I just love gathering those nuggets of wisdom). I was impressed by how well they kept their home, taking care to make it a place of beauty and welcome.

Not just a well-kept home, but an open heart

I realized how unhospitable I’ve been in my life - often vaguely resentful at having to adjust my life to look after guests, doing it, but grudgingly. Not to mention, not being the best housekeeper or homemaker. I want to be different. Receiving hospitality has made me want to work a little harder at keeping my home clean and beautiful, and being quick to receive people into my life and home, seeing it always as an opportunity to share the love of Christ. Reading this article also really convicted me - Rosaria Butterfield: Christian Hospitality Is Radically Different from ‘Southern Hospitality.

I discovered the joys of public libraries. How unbelievable it seems that there is a building full of books, set apart for ANYONE who wants to read or work in silence, and all for FREE. Is this heaven? What an amazing way to bring up children – just take them to the library and set them free! There was even an entire section just for children, areas for storytelling and book clubs. If there was anything that would make me crave a life in the US (or similar countries), it would be public libraries. I had an inner battle trying to reconcile my desire for the obvious good of the availability of books and libraries with my call to serve the poor and live a simple life – it seemed like these two lives and desires are irreconcilable.

Is this heaven?

But then in conversation with my mum, it came to me – bring this good thing TO the poor. I don’t know how exactly – how cool would it be to start a library close to the slums or poorer areas and then welcome children from all backgrounds into it, giving them a quiet place to read, study or work, something they may not have in their normal home lives. Someday. Meanwhile, I help out at the tiny library at the school where I serve.

Prayer and Mass are even more meaningful in a new place. It’s true that without a regular routine, prayer can be easy to forget or put off. But I found that I NEEDED that time with the Lord, quiet time, to love and be loved, to process everything that was happening, and to remember where my true Home was. I was blessed to find friends who would take me to daily Mass most days, and even in unfamiliar churches (where I still had to repress my urge to give people the namaste sign at the Sign of Peace because in my mind the namaste sign IS the Sign of Peace!), I found my Jesus waiting for me.

My frowny smile is my normal photo face, not fear of the evil crawfish face

New things are good! I have grown so much from the scared, over-cautious Sue of the past. I tried new things, met new people, and took calculated risks. I tried crawfish (and enjoyed it in spite of its sinister appearance), I walked 10 km by the Mississippi (somehow picturing the world of Tom Sawyer, but of course I was 180 years too late), I went thrift shopping and discovered that when prices are dirt cheap, apparently I DON’T hate shopping, I even went on a date (which didn’t lead to anything more, but scared-to-go-to-Mumbai-by-herself 20 year old Sue is impressed by going-on-a-date-in-a-foreign-country 32 year old Sue). '

Some of those awesome old friends

Old friends are an incomparable blessing. I got to spend time with many old friends, talking and sharing and telling stories, and laughing, going deeper and having those REAL conversations, rejoicing at each other’s milestones and victories, sharing the pain and confusion of unfulfilled desires and uncertain futures. I danced at their weddings, played with their babies, and ate meals at their homes. What a gift!

But I’m glad to be home. With all its discomforts and challenges (40 degrees weather anyone?), home is still home. Home is people I love, family time, seeing how much fatter my tiny niece has become, the familiarity of the crowded city, chores and housework to be done in my own apartment, work that I love, and exciting plans and schedules for the second half of the year. Adventures are good, but faithfulness and normal life is better.