Five Things I've Learned about Living with a Spouse

A month ago a friend asked me to write an article for the bulletin of the Family Commission Centre, with just a day's notice. I managed to complete it, and I thought I'd share it here with my blog readers... to make up for the weeks when I didn't post anything (sorry!).

I got married just one month ago, so as a newly married wife, I am obviously now an expert on marriage. Just kidding! I am in the process of learning to live with and love another human being, a lifelong process. My lessons started long before I met my spouse - in my family, and in different women’s households over the past nine years. The lessons I learned have been invaluable, and are serving me well, as I begin life with a husband.

1. Your spouse is different from you, and that is okay: It is so tempting to want our spouse to become another version of us, to do things our way. I prefer quiet, contemplative prayer times where I listen to an audio bible reflection and journal as I drink my coffee. I can hear my husband on the other hand in the next room strumming the guitar loudly, singing worship songs vigorously and reading Scripture aloud. Which is a better way to pray? That’s a silly question! God makes us different so we can learn from each other and be blessed by each other’s unique gifts and perspectives.

2. Gratitude changes everything: One of the sneakiest ways Satan tries to attack our relationships, is by planting seeds of resentment. The best way to combat that temptation is to cultivate gratitude. Look at your spouse, and your life together and thank God (and your spouse) for the gifts you see. None of us are perfect. But life doesn’t have to be perfect to be beautiful. "Thank you for loving me." "Thank you for cooking that meal, that was delicious." "I am so blessed to have a husband like you. I feel so loved." See how these words can transform our relationships.

3. Mercy must replace blame: We were driving from Pune to Mumbai last weekend when we suddenly realized that I had left our house keys in Pune. Our ONLY set of house keys. It was completely my fault as I had overstuffed my handbag and they had fallen out. In that moment, Joel extended grace and mercy to me. Not only did he NOT say "What were you thinking? You should have been more careful!", he instead prayed for me and the situation because he could see that I was upset by my mistake. What a beautiful witness of Christ-like behaviour! It was also a good reminder to me that the next time he made a mistake, I should remember I am far from perfect.

4. My project is ME, not my spouse: This might be particularly a wife’s temptation, but it’s so easy to want to improve and change one’s spouse. It is so much easier to see their faults and shortcomings than our own. Jesus had some clear words. ‘First take the log out of your own eye, before trying to take the speck out of your husband’s.’ My job is to work on my own holiness. So I try to avoid nagging and criticizing and constantly making suggestions for improvement.

5. There is actually grace in the sacrament: We don’t have to do this on our own strength, because we can’t. Sacramental marriages have a special grace attached to them. ‘Christ dwells with them, gives them the strength to take up their crosses…, to rise again after they have fallen, to forgive one another, to bear one another's burdens, to "be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ," and to love one another with supernatural, tender, and fruitful love.’ CCC 1642 We need to claim that grace and thank God for it. We also need to acknowledge the Third Person in our marriage, and receive His grace afresh, by spending some time together in prayer every day.