(Enter church) Oh no, there’s someone in my usual pew! How annoying, don’t they know that’s where WE usually sit? People nowadays.
Who ARE all these people? So many new people in the parish. Not like the old days when we used to know everyone. Where is Hubby going now? He knows I don’t like to sit under the fan. Okay this works. Why won’t that lady scoot in? Maybe if I nudge her with my hip. Done.
(Briefly kneel) Thank God I got here on time and got place to sit. Hubby is always ironing his clothes last minute. And they say women are always late! I wish I had eaten breakfast.
(Sit) Oh, I see the D’Souzas. Is that their son? Must be home from the ship. So tall and handsome. That moustache is not a good idea though. They must be planning to get him settled soon, he must be 27 years old by now. High time.
(Stand for entrance hymn, join in ‘Enter His Gates’) The choir is sounding kind of screechy. May be it’s the mics. Usually I like this choir. They choose nice lively hymns. But this song we used to sing since I was in Sunday school. I like that girl’s outfit, very stylish. My goodness, that lector is wearing such a short skirt. And so much make up. Don’t they have a dress code? My blouse goes nicely with my skirt. But do the shoes really match? Oh no, my nail polish is all chipped! I should have worn my closed shoes. Hopefully no one looks at my feet.
(Priest:… who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God forever and ever) Amen!
(Sits down) I should pay attention to the readings, I never remember what they’re about after Mass. That reader has a really funny accent. They should pick people who speak English properly. Did she just say meditate instead of mediate? And dessert instead of desert? Ha ha, that would make a good joke. Man, I just want some dessert. May be we can pick up some gulab jamun on the way home. But Hubby will make some comment about my diet. He better not! If he does, I’ll say…
(Reader: The word of the Lord.) Thanks be to God. Oh no, I missed the whole reading. What was it about? No idea. Oh well, I’m probably not the only one. Look at everyone else, they look so sober and staid. But I bet they are also thinking about dessert and lunch. Good thing I marinaded the chicken earlier. It shouldn’t take long to get lunch ready. I should have taken out another packet though… I don’t think it will be enough for dinner also.
(Stand up for acclamation and Gospel) This is a nice tune. Why is he saying Alleluia again? Didn’t the choir already sing it? I’m pretty sure you don’t have to sing it AND say it. Oh, I know this story! The lost sheep, nice one. But does it really make sense to leave all the other sheep to go after the one that’s lost. Not very logical. Maybe Father will bring out some meaning. Why does Father always talk in that way? Maybe he learned it at seminary, for emphasis. But I feel like he’s emphasizing all the wrong words. I wonder if I could imitate it. Hubby would laugh. Oh no, that’s not very respectful. We shouldn’t be disrespectful to priests. Or to the dead. Who can we be disrespectful to? Or at least make jokes about? Politicians, I suppose.
(Sit down for homily) I hope Father doesn’t talk too long. I don’t think that’s the correct pronunciation of Maximilian Kolbe. I wonder if anyone else in the church knows that, or if they will all start calling Saint Kolb! Or wait, maybe I’m wrong. No, I’m pretty sure I’m right. One should always admit it when one is wrong. I like being right though. When was the last time I said, “You’re right, I guess I got that wrong?” Wow, I’m having such a spiritual introspective moment right now, so appropriate for Mass.
But what is Father talking about? I missed the whole story he just told. Oh, he’s connecting the lost sheep with prison ministry Sunday. I’ve never been to a prison. I wonder what it would be like. I remember reading that book about that Communist guy from Mumbai talking about his experiences in prison. Or is it jail? I can never remember the difference. It was really horrific. Chilli powder and torture... ugh. I need to think about something else. What’s Father saying now? I’m feeling so sleepy. I shouldn’t have stayed up so late last night. At least I got some coffee before coming. Arrey! Hubby is dozing off! That’s why God gave him a wife! To poke him in the ribs. I bet he’d make an Adam and Eve and rib joke if I said that aloud. (Poke) Ha ha, he got such a shock. I hope no one else saw. I remember when I was a kid the Mass used to feel so long. It still feels long though. Especially when I’m sleepy and hungry. Oh, the chicken curry is going to taste so good. Is this homily ever going to end?
(Sit for Offertory) Oh I like this song. But they’re talking it too high again. Hello, we want to join in too! I guess I can just croak along. God loves a cheerful singer. Or is it a cheerful giver? I forgot my purse. Did Hubby bring some cash? There’s a second offering after Communion but I don’t have two notes. Now what to do? Hopefully others will give more. I wonder if the main collection goes down when there’s a second collection. I wonder if offertory means offering our money. But it has something to do with the bread and wine. How do they choose who takes the bread and wine to the altar? I wonder if they’ll ever choose Hubby and me.
(Stand for Eucharistic prayer) We’ve got to be at least halfway through Mass by now. Why do I come to Mass? I guess it wouldn’t feel like Sunday if I didn’t come. I can’t even imagine how Mummy and Daddy would react if I stopped coming for Sunday Mass. I know Katie and Allen don’t come any more. They have such nice lazy Sunday mornings. I wish I could wake up late on Sunday... no, I shouldn’t think like that. I know Sunday Mass is important. I’m sure God will bless Hubby and me for being here.
(Kneel after the Sanctus) God, please bless Hubby and me, and our parents, and our work. Thank you for giving us such good jobs. Oh no, the presentation is due tomorrow. I have so much left to do. Maybe if we have an early lunch, I take a quick nap, I can spend the evening working on it. I know Hubby wanted to go see the parents, but now what to do? He can go alone, and I’ll have the house to myself.
(After the Consecration) Ugh, I can never remember if we’re supposed to stand or keep kneeling now. Why are half the people standing? Do they know something we don’t? Are the people kneeling holier than the people standing? Why can’t Father just give us clear instructions? I’ll just stay kneeling, it’ll look stupid to stand up now.
(Great Amen) Okay, NOW everyone is standing. Oh, people are opening their hands for the Our Father. Are they just imitating the priest? Or do they want me to hold their hand? I know many people hold hands for the Our Father. But how weird would it be if I held a stranger’s hand when he was just trying to pray. Awkward! I should do it just for the laugh. But I don’t really want to hold anyone’s hands. Except for Hubby. Remember when we used to hold hands all the time during our courtship?
(Sign of Peace) I always turn to the wrong side. Why do I feel like everyone I turn to show peace to is always wishing someone else? There’s like six people around me and I only manage to make eye contact with two. Is this deliberate? Why doesn’t anyone give a real smile? Oh! That lady just flashed me a huge smile. That’ll teach me not to be so judgy. Unless she actually knows me? She looks vaguely familiar.
(Communion Service – kneel briefly, then sit) The choir is very talented, but I feel the sopranos should be a little softer. Some people just like feeling like pop stars. Well, I guess in the US, many pop stars did start singing in their church choirs… though I suppose most of them get sucked into the wild celebrity life pretty soon. Wow, that Kaitlyn’s hair is very pretty. I wonder if I should colour my hair again. Just highlights. Not sure if Hubby really likes that or not. But I got lots of compliments last time.
(Get up to join Communion line) Wow, Kaitlyn is towering over me in those heels. I would be worried about stumbling in front of everyone if my heels were that high. Oh, the other line is getting shorter. Should I join it to even it out? But then it’s harder to get back to my side of the church. Anyway, Father is on this side and that old auntie is distributing Communion on the other side, so I’ll stay here. I know extraordinary ministers of communion are fine, but she probably has less experience than Father. Should I receive by hand or tongue? I read somewhere it’s more reverent to receive by tongue. But suppose Father’s hand touches my tongue accidentally, euggh. Or suppose his hand touched someone else’s tongue and they’re sick? I’ll just receive by hand.
(Returning to place and kneeling) Yuck, Kaitlyn’s hair is in my face. I wish she wouldn’t sit so far back. Dear Jesus., thank you for coming into my heart like they told me at my first Communion. But I guess You’re literally entering my digestive system right now. Does that mean your grace is filling my full body right now? If that’s the case, can you please heal my painful shoulder, and my stomach issues too. That may have been the food we ate outside last night. Anyway, Jesus, like I was saying earlier, bless me, bless my family, keep us all in good health, bless my work. Help Hubby and me to meet our work goals so we can get down to buying our own flat. Rent is so expensive. I guess we could have lived with his Mum and Dad but I think it’s better we’re on our own. Oh, I’m getting distracted again. Anyway thank you, Jesus for all your blessings. Amen.
(Sits) Who all are here for 8.30 am mass? It’s so packed. Will anyone notice if I sneak a glance around? Otherwise I can only see the people in front of me. Oh no, someone looked back at me! Oh well, they were probably doing the same thing as I was. Wow, that is a beautiful saree. I should wear sarees more often. But it’s such a pain draping them. They should have saree-draping lessons in school instead of cross-stitch, it would have been more useful.
(Stands as priest says ‘Let us pray’, then sits again) That always feels like it should be the end of Mass, but now there’ll be ten minutes of announcements. Oh no, it’s going to be even longer because of banns. Wait a minute, Sheena, daughter of Martin and Assunta? Wasn’t she in school with me? She’s marrying a guy from Mumbai. I wonder if it was love or arranged. Most people assume if you’ve crossed thirty it must be arranged. But who knows? The prayer group gets an announcement every week. I wonder if anyone goes for their talks. I wouldn’t go unless I knew it was going to be a really good speaker and a really good topic. Why do I assume most talks in church are going to be boring or not relatable? I guess word of mouth advertising and personal invitations always work better than announcements. Aren’t they over yet? What time is it? The people for the next Mass must be waiting outside. I think it’s getting over… wow, that is a LOT of money they get in collections. I suppose it takes a lot for the upkeep of the church. I wonder what percentage is spent on outreach to the poor. I suppose I could find out if I really cared.
OH NO! Now they’re having felicitations for the tenth standard students! This is ridiculous! It’s a hostage situation. Just because Father hasn’t given the final blessing, I’m stuck here. Hubby is looking restless too. Probably thinking of his bacon and eggs.
(Stands for Final Blessing. “Mass is ended. Go in peace.”) THANKS BE TO GOD! I’M OUT OF HERE!
[Keep watching this space for follow up posts on how NOT to be this typical Catholic.]
Hahahaha Suzanna!!! This is so damn relatable. Absolutely loved that you covered all those weird and awkward situations nobody talks about lol. This gave me a good chuckle!!! Good job!
ReplyDeleteSusan u really nailed it. This is the exact replica of what I used to do when I was in my College..hahaha
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