How I Have Experienced the Love of God

I am participating in the six-month #INSPIRE2020 challenge, in which Indian Catholic content creators write about a particular topic every month. This month's topic is 'Experiencing the Love of God'. If you are an Indian Catholic, and would like to participate, sign up here: https://forms.gle/o5A1ZzBNFM94HoFP8  

I’m not the most touchy-feely, emotional kind of person, as I’ve mentioned before on this blog. I’m more likely to analyse feelings of love than to just feel them. I wouldn’t say ‘I love you’ to my now-husband until I did some more research and reading and thinking about what it really meant to ‘love’ someone. Part of this was personality, and part of it was growing up in a family that didn’t easily express verbal or physical affection. Verbal sparring and witty comebacks were more common than saying ‘I love you’ or hugging. 

In many ways, this analytical approach to life has made it a little more difficult to experience God. God is love, at the core of the Christian faith is a relationship, not just a set of beliefs. But for some of us, moving from the head to the heart is a challenge. 

I grew up in the charismatic renewal which often seems to prize and prioritize experiences, so I often felt disappointed and cheated when everybody else was having experiences except for me. ‘What about me, God?’ I would cry out as yet another friend would share some amazing experience of feeling loved.  

But little by little I let go of the desperate need for that experience. I had enough reasons to believe. I had read a lot of apologetics, I had come across enough rational believers, I had seen many answered prayers, and read about many changed lives. CS Lewis says ‘Faith is the art of holding on to what your reason has accepted in spite of your changing moods.’ So that’s how I approached my faith. 

As I let go, as I surrendered myself more honestly and sincerely, letting go of long-held sins, as I prioritized prayer, sacraments and obedience to His promptings, something began to change. There was healing and growth in my family relationships, and a door opened in my heart to God too. I let myself be found.

‘Slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.’ 

I began to experience the tender love of the Father, who was not impatient with my mistakes and sins, not demanding instant perfection, and who was willing to help me get up again and again and again. Reading the book ‘Searching for and Maintaining Peace’ by Father Jacques Philippe was one of the healing tools God sent into my life. I once went on a two day personal silent retreat without any specific plan of what I would do there. I landed up just reading and meditating on that book, and it was immensely healing. God showed me that He wanted to heal my heart of its lack of hope. 

‘A God who delights in me with singing’ 

I began to learn how to receive His love and delight in me, His unconditional love, not dependent on what I could do for him, or what I had accomplished. He first sent my little nieces into my life to teach me that lesson, and then my husband, and now my own little daughter. Sometimes my husband asks me, “Why do you love me?” And I always answer, “Because you are mine.” And as I learn to receive and give this kind of love on a human level, God shows me that THIS is how He loves me too - just because I am His. 

‘A God who hears and answers’ 

 When I was five years old, my dad was supposed to pick me up from kindergarten. But when I came out of the classroom, there were a lot of people and no sight of my father. I burst into tears. But I remembered my mum telling me that if I was ever scared, to close my eyes and talk to Jesus. So I did. I closed my eyes and said, “Dear Jesus, please send my Dada.” And I opened my eyes, and there he was. Obviously this made a big enough impression on me that I remembered it years later. But I knew something very profound then- that our dear Lord loves to be approached with confidence and trust, and that He can and will show is His love and presence in very practical ways if we are willing to ask Him to. I’ve seen this to be true again and again through my life. He’s not a vending machine or an ATM, nor are we guaranteed that all suffering will go away (He never promised that anyway, quite the contrary). But He has shown me His love through His provision innumerable times, usually only when I’ve asked. 

How do I continue to tap into His love? It’s easy to let my heart grow cold, to doubt, to forget, to become cynical. But His love remains accessible. Like my relationship with my own husband, I have to allow him to hold me and love me, instead of getting wrapped up in my own world. 

So some of the channels of God’s love for me, ways and places and times that I experience His love are- 

Listening to or worshipping with Bethel music 

Sitting in an Adoration chapel (haven’t been able to do this in a long time) 

Reading certain passages from the bible, and certain spiritual books like He and I by Gabrielle Bossis or anything by Fr. Jacques Philippe. 

Writing down and rereading past encounters in my prayer journal or blog (I have such a short memory)

Going on good retreats (not all retreats are equal) 

Asking Him for big and little miracles for myself and others- then giving Him credit and acknowledging His loving providence when He grants them 

Asking others to share their own testimonies and encounters with God- it’s always so edifying 

Daily personal prayer, honest conversations and crying out to Him in the midst of rough days 

Spending time and building relationships with people who reflect His love to me, whose faces reveal Jesus 

God’s love isn’t meant to be just a theory, a belief, a theme for hymns or inspirational posters. It is something He desires even the most cold-hearted or cynical of us to experience. It may not happen immediately. But if you really desire it, and ask Him, and make yourself available to Him, as you allow Him to heal you... He will reveal it to you, as He did to me.

Related Posts

You Are Delightful

Stop Bothering God

Jesus Knows My Love Language

A Ten-Year-Old Teaches Her Auntie to Pray

The Delicate Touches of Love

To Be Someone's Darling

Ten Typical Temptations in the Battle of Prayer

I am participating in the six-month #INSPIRE2020 challenge, in which Indian Catholic content creators write about a particular topic every month. This month's topic is The Battle of Prayer, a section in the Catechism of the Catholic Church. If you are an Indian Catholic, and would like to participate, sign up here: https://forms.gle/o5A1ZzBNFM94HoFP8  

Prayer is both a gift of grace and a determined response on our part. It always presupposes effort. The great figures of prayer of the Old Covenant before Christ, as well as the Mother of God, the saints, and he himself, all teach us this: prayer is a battle. Against whom? Against ourselves and against the wiles of the tempter who does all he can to turn man away from prayer, away from union with God. CCC 2725

You'd have thought after about twenty years of attempting to follow Jesus and prioritize prayer, I would have this down. I should have been a prayer expert by now- effortlessly awaking at dawn to spend a few hours in joyful communion with my Creator. Right? Wrong. I still struggle! Some seasons of life are easier than others, but more often than not, I am still tempted to compromise on my prayer time.

What are the typical lies and temptations I face?

1. If it was meant to be, it would be easier: This is just a general lazy principle of life, a lie I subconsciously tell myself, allowing me to take the easier path, to do what I feel like rather than what I know I should do, choosing instant gratification over long-term fruit. It's so much easier to just go with the flow and ride with the tide, but usually the flow doesn't take me into consistent personal prayer.

2. I'm not in the right state of mind: I tell myself that I can't present myself to God just yet, because I'm distracted, tired, not really in a 'spiritual frame of mind', and that when I'm in the right mood, of course, I'll come to prayer. What an easy way to forget that God wants me AS I AM, and not as I think I should be. He embraced the prodigal son while he was still dirty, dusty, smelly, sinful... and then HE cleaned him up.

3. I have many more productive things I should be doing: Somehow prayer doesn't give me the adrenaline shot of feeling like I've ACCOMPLISHED THINGS. So I'll wander around the house doing laundry, putting away dishes, writing schedules on my whiteboard, and I'll feel really good about myself... but I haven't prayed. It's the lie that achieving things makes me valuable, and valued, that my life has meaning because of what I achieve. Because it's so much harder to accept the truth that I don't have to be useful to be loved.

Others overly prize production and profit; thus prayer, being unproductive, is useless. CCC 2727

4. I am just not good at prayer: There are probably some people out there who pray easily, who have focussed, calm, holy minds. Unlike me - my mind is constantly jumping from one thing to another, I am distracted, pulled in so many different directions, more likely to start thinking of a blog about prayer instead of actually praying. Minds like mine aren't contemplative... so why even try?

Some people view prayer as a simple psychological activity, others as an effort of concentration to reach a mental void. CCC 2726

5. It's really my own fault that I can't pray, the guilt and shame and embarrassment keep me from trying: I know I'm making excuses. I know I have allowed habits of laziness and indiscipline to grow and take control of my life. I know I COULD try harder. Why am I like this? If I was God, I would be so done with all these stupid excuses. I make God like me, impatient, unforgiving, demanding, instead of recognizing that He is ready to receive me EVEN when it's my own fault that it's so late, so second best. A contrite spirit He will not spurn.

Another temptation, to which presumption opens the gate, is acedia. The spiritual writers understand by this a form of depression due to lax ascetical practice, decreasing vigilance, carelessness of heart. "The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak." The greater the height, the harder the fall...The humble are not surprised by their distress; it leads them to trust more, to hold fast in constancy.

6. I just don't love God enough: If I really loved Him, wouldn't prayer always be a sweet and easy experience? Wouldn't I desire His presence above all things? Why then do I return to social media, to the accomplishment of tasks, to my phone games, to anything except Him? Obviously my love is weak, or at best, fluctuating. But I forget - love comes down to the will, the choice. And the desire to love Him is of value to Him.

When we begin to pray, a thousand labors or cares thought to be urgent vie for priority; once again, it is the moment of truth for the heart: what is its real love?

7. It's too late now: I should have developed holier habits decades ago. I should have picked up my cross daily years ago. But now I am so far behind. I should have started praying earlier this morning. I should have never wasted those two hours. It's already night, it's too late to pray now. But the truth is - it's never too late. I have the choice to BEGIN AGAIN right now, the moment the thought comes to my mind. Even if it's ten minutes instead of an hour, Jesus would rather have ten minutes of my attention than a continued cold shoulder.

8. I'm never going to get better at this: I am going to get old and gray and still be struggling to have fruitful times of prayer. I am always going to have a head full of distracted thoughts, I am never going to learn to pray before looking at my phone, I am always going to be behind in this area. 

This is the lie of despair and hopelessness. In Jesus, there is ALWAYS hope. Things change. People change. I can change. There ARE some sins of the past I don't struggle with now. Why not this? Can I visualize a more rooted, prayerful me? It is possible.

9. Prayer feels like an obligation, a necessary but annoying task: This perspective leaves out the truth that prayer is about relationship, and that it is a PERSON waiting to meet me and love me, not a taskmaster, with crossed arms and a tapping foot demanding why I haven't prayed YET. That perspective can change everything. No wonder Satan tries to distort our idea of God. 

10. Prayer has to happen all inside my head: I so often forget the helpfulness of singing aloud, or speaking aloud, of praising God aloud, of reading His word aloud. It seems as if it's just me and my distracted thoughts having a conversation when I'm 'in prayer'. Using my voice, my body, writing in a journal, and reading the Word helps me escape the prison of my own thoughts. 

'Prayer and Christian life are inseparable, for they concern the same love and the same renunciation, proceeding from love; the same filial and loving conformity with the Father's plan of love; the same transforming union in the Holy Spirit who conforms us more and more to Christ Jesus; the same love for all men, the love with which Jesus has loved us.' CCC 2745

It shouldn't surprise us that the Liar and Accuser works extra hard when it comes to separating us from prayer. This is a battle, but the first step in winning it is recognizing it AS a battle, and identifying attacks and lies and traps. Next, we need to figure out how to defend ourselves with weapons of truth.

Coming Up: Ten Simple Truths to Hold on to in the Battle of Prayer

Related Links: 

A Ten-Year-Old Teaches Her Auntie To Pray 

You Are Delightful 

Stop Bothering God! 

Basics of Personal Prayer (Youtube video interview with my mum)

Hearing from God in Prayer (Youtube video interview with my mum)

Pregnant Thoughts - Part Two

Some years ago a friend serving in the Philippines was telling another friend and me how she had helped a poor mother give birth to twins in her bamboo shack in a squatters’ hilly settlement. “We delivered the twins, but we had to take them to the hospital, so we just wrapped them up, didn’t even cut the cord, and climbed the narrow hilly paths, babies in arms, to get to the main road.”

My friend and I gaped in astonishment. How did that even work? Where was the mother? We visualized the babies and mother attached by the cord wandering up and down the hills. That was the moment when we both found out we had the misconception that the umbilical cord of the baby was attached directly to the mother’s uterus, instead of the placenta, and neither of us had any idea that the placenta or ‘afterbirth’ got detached from the uterus and was delivered after the babies were.

It’s kind of embarrassing to admit my ignorance, and yet I realize that I probably have a lot more basic knowledge about childbirth JUST from all the books I’ve read through the years, and there are probably many women who have far less idea of the details of pregnancy and childbirth, and how it all works. I guess most just get a hodgepodge of guidance and information from the older women of their families, fact and experience mixed with superstition and tradition (for example, I was told not to cross my legs during pregnancy).

I’m grateful for apps like Ovia pregnancy which gave me week by week updates on the baby’s development, and my own expected physical and hormonal changes. I also was lent a book called ‘Made for This: The Catholic Mom’s Guide to Birth’ which among other things gives a detailed description of what exactly happens during childbirth. One of the things the author talks about is how a woman’s body is made to nurture life, even without our conscious participation, which was a relief to hear because I kept thinking I didn't know what the heck I was doing, and feeling overwhelmed and under-prepared.

I remember thinking during the first trimester how uncomfortable and weird I felt, not like myself at all, and how even though I had grown up with the understanding and celebration of the fact that marriage, sex, pregnancy and babies all naturally were supposed to go together, that I could understand why so many women think of pregnancy as some kind of cruel trick of nature, an unpleasant aspect of being a woman, and spend most of their lives trying to avoid pregnancy.

The other extreme were women who told me, “This (pregnancy) is the best time of your life! Enjoy it!” Really? Constant acidity and indigestion, exhaustion, depression, inability to get anything done, needing to pee all the time, my body changing and becoming unfamiliar, and a host of other uncomfortable symptoms- this was supposed to be the best time of my life?

I think we need to prepare young women (and men) from an early age to think of pregnancy and childbirth as a normal part of life, not something weird or icky or horrible or to be avoided at all costs. In fact, a beautiful (if painful) gift, a kind of fruitful suffering that we can embrace instead of resent. But such a perspective works when we fit it into a larger worldview that doesn’t see comfort and avoidance of suffering as the ultimate good. It also comes from being educated about our own bodies and fertility, and seeing our bodies as GOOD.

On the whole, I’ve experienced Indian culture to be very supportive of pregnant women- people keep offering to bring me food (unfortunately COVID lockdowns has prevented them from being able to do so), most people seem very excited to hear that I’m having a baby, traffic stops for me on the street, and my husband gets asked more about me than about himself by people I don’t even know.

I wonder though whether that support and approval is because it’s a first baby, and whether disapproval would take its place if it was my fourth or fifth baby. But mums probably need even more help and care with multiple kids. The number doesn’t decrease the value and importance of each child. I often think in awe of my mum who had five, my aunt who had seven, and the many years they spent pregnant. In the midst of first trimester horribleness, I could easily imagine saying “Ugh, never again.” And much more so during the actual delivery. And yet they said yes again and again, and my siblings and cousins and I are grateful for the gift of our lives.

Different families have different situations - many would have had more kids if they could, there are probably many who couldn’t afford to have more than two. But there are also probably many who never thought that maybe God had another precious gift to entrust to them, if only they were willing to receive it. I am so impressed by someone I know here in my new city who had three kids aged 15 to 23, and then unexpectedly conceived another child. She and her husband and family welcomed the baby with joy. Life with God is a wonderful adventure, with twists and turns, and surprises around every corner... if only we will trust Him and let go of our plans and control.

Anyway, that’s a lot of deep thoughts that comes with third trimester insomnia (wrote this at 4 am last night). Here are some more practical tips and thoughts-

Pregnancy pillow - hadn’t ever heard of it, until my sister-in-law lent it to me, but it has been a game-changer after many uncomfortable nights as my tummy got bigger and I just couldn’t get comfortable. The more pillows, the better! Invest in or borrow a pregnancy pillow! They’re so comfortable, even my husband wants one now 😄

When you're up with pregnancy insomnia at 3 am, look up 'pregnancy memes', nothing like stifling giggles so your husband doesn't wake up as you realize you're not the only one.

Pregnancy brain and clumsiness is a thing, so cut yourself some slack. I started bumping into things and breaking things for the first time since childhood (when, fun fact, I used to be known as Calamity Jane because I couldn't put my hand in a glass cabinet without breaking something). I dropped a glass of juice, it shattered, and I burst into tears, so my husband told me to stand back as he cleared it up and comforted me. Now he tells me to be careful every time he sees me holding a knife. And the next time he found a broken glass, he asked me, "Did you cry?" :-D

Don’t drink alcohol even if you MAY get pregnant. No one told me this, but apparently even a little bit of alcohol at conception or early pregnancy could hurt the baby’s development, and I had a nice glass of Bailey’s a few days before I realized I was pregnant, and beat myself up about it for a while. The baby seems fine though, but I wish I had known that before. And if you smoke, you’ll need to quit months before you conceive.

An app I highly recommend for all women, married or single, is FEMM, which basically helps you keep track of your menstrual cycle, and know when you’re fertile. My sister convinced me to start using it long before I was married or even dating, and I’m glad she did! I’m surprised at how many women don’t know how their body works. I read somewhere about a woman who would not have sex with her husband on her fertile days, because she thought the mucus was a sign of an infection... and then she wondered why they weren’t getting pregnant! The app is also very helpful in practising Natural Family Planning, if you need to delay a pregnancy by avoiding sex on fertile days.

Get tested for infections before you get married. Even if you’ve never been sexually active, there are other infections that you can easily pick up without realizing it that can harm your unborn baby. I had never heard of any of these until I was already pregnant, and was sent to do various tests. If you do have an active infection, avoid pregnancy until it clears up.

Even if your baby IS at risk for physical or mental disabilities does NOT mean you need to abort! Apparently many doctors present this as an obvious choice or recommendation, as if you are shopping for a product and have to discard potentially ‘defective’ products. That baby already exists, already belongs to you, is a part of you, and God will give you the grace to love and care for your baby, even with special needs. It’s probably a good idea to talk about those possibilities with your spouse... even before you get married.

We have often referred to the pregnancy as 'our pregnancy'or 'when WE got pregnant'. That's because we see it as a joint effort. Talk to your husbands about how you need them to support you during this time, because their involvement, empathy and support can make a huge difference to a peaceful pregnancy.

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” Jeremiah 1: 5

Before I was born the Lord called me; from my mother’s womb he has spoken my name. Isaiah 49: 1

Related Posts

Pregnant Thoughts - Part 1


Small Family = Happy Family... Really?

Pregnant Thoughts - Part 1

I often think twice about sharing publicly about my experiences of pregnancy. Not for the typical Indian reasons (I’ve heard people are afraid of being cursed by jealous or malicious onlookers? Or they don’t want to have to admit to the pain of miscarriage if they lose the baby). But the reason for my second thoughts is because I know there are so many who are longing for babies themselves, and it may be a source of great pain to them to hear the raptures of yet another pregnant mama. And yet, I remember rejoicing over my friends getting married when I was mourning my own loneliness. Somehow these two realities coexist.

I’ve been around a lot of pregnant women. And yet somehow there were a lot of pregnancy surprises. I had no idea, for example, that acidity and indigestion would become a daily occurrence for the first time in my life, practically from the first month. Or that my body would start changing almost immediately. Or that I could feel the baby’s movements from halfway through the pregnancy and not just at the end. I didn’t realize that part of the first trimester struggles was not just physical exhaustion but emotional lows too. I’d sleep for hours during the day and then lie in bed feeling depressed and overwhelmed by my dirty house and because I wasn’t doing anything productive (I thought). I was reminded by another young mum that making a baby is the most productive and creative work I could ever do.

The good news was I didn’t have first trimester nausea (only threw up once, on Christmas morning, a few minutes into Christmas Mass, at my in-law’s village church, probably because I was wearing a tight saree blouse.. I had to rush out, threw up in the church compound and got taken home by my husband. Did I become the talk of the town? I still don’t know.) Also, once the second trimester started, I realized that a lot of my sad thoughts and outlook on life went away, which is when I realized that my hormones had been playing cruel tricks with my emotions.

I realized how privileged I am (yet again) as other mothers, old and young, told me their pregnancy experiences- living in a joint family and expected to continue doing household chores while fighting nausea and exhaustion; or throwing up early in the morning and then leaving for work; or apparently two generations ago , working in the fields while pregnant, giving birth, and then getting back up to work in the fields the same day. I on the other hand got to stay home all of my pregnancy, the part time work I do is all online and flexible, and I have an accommodating and supportive husband who not only lets me moan to him about every tiny discomfort I’m feeling, but would cook when I couldn’t, or run to the store (pre-COVID) to buy mountains of junk food when I demanded it (please don’t ask how many packets of chilli limon potato chips I ate a few months ago).

I’ve been thinking more about ‘my body, my choice’ of late, and the tragedy of abortion. Never before has it been so obvious that this is not MY body - there is another body inside my body, that squirms and hiccups and kicks and jerks, regardless of me. It’s so crazy and yet so cool... a tiny human being growing inside me. I can hardly grasp it. So I occasionally google pictures of ‘baby in mother’s womb 31 weeks’ etc so I can try to wrap my mind around this reality and miracle hidden by a big tummy.

My husband and I both feel a desire to one day be involved in a pro-life ministry, providing support and encouragement and resources to women going through crisis pregnancies, creating more awareness of the truth and beauty of the life and personhood of these tiny, vulnerable human beings, and perhaps creating an easily accessible network of resources including healing retreats for post-abortive women. I’m sure there are Catholics (especially religious sisters) who do help women in need, but there is so little awareness and so much shame involved that I’m not surprised abortion is as common as it is.

I recall a correspondence I had with a self-professed religious Catholic woman who was not on board with my pro-life stance. She said ‘Of course, children are a gift from God, and that is why most of the time they are referred to as Angels. But would you consider the child borne due to a rape to be the same? I would term this as an unexpected pregnancy and would leave it to the woman to decide what she would like to do with her body. This is not anyone’s place to judge.’

Unwanted or longed for, unexpected or eagerly awaited, with special physical or mental needs or perfectly healthy, the result of a happy marriage or a traumatic rape, a baby is a BABY and deserves to be loved and cared for, not discarded. Our job is to love and help BOTH mama and baby when they need it most.

I have more thoughts, which is why I’m going to write a Part 2.

The 'Am I a Racist?' Test for Indians

“I’m Indian! I’m brown! I can’t be racist!”

Oh, no?

Do you think fairer people are objectively more attractive? Have you complimented someone’s looks by referring to how fair they are, or how they look like (white) foreigners? Do you often comment on your own or others’ skin tone changes after being in the sun? Do you tell people to cover up so they don't get darker? Do you wear socks and gloves and long sleeves when you go out in the sun because you're afraid of getting darker? Do you think ‘fair North Indians’ are more ‘beautiful’ than ‘dark South Indians?’

How often do you see Indian couples with very different skin tones? Does it surprise you when you do? Do you think it's natural that someone who is darker is less likely to find a spouse easily? Do you think it's natural that a fairer skinned applicant would be preferred in many jobs? Have you noticed fairer kids in school are treated better by the teachers than darker-skinned kids?

Do you feel bad for parents when their new baby has a darker skin tone? Have you seen siblings treated a little differently because one is darker and the other fairer? Have you ever comfortingly told someone that they’re also fair? Not that dark comparatively? Have you ever heard kids use nicknames based on the darkness of someone’s skin? Have you used nicknames like that? Have you ever felt instinctively that darker-skinned people are 'dirtier', and shied away from touching them?

Have you ever felt the lack of dark skinned dolls? Or thought it was normal to colour skin with what is called 'skin colour' but which is really pinky-peach? Have you ever encouraged kids to colour pictures of themselves with their actual skin colour- usually brown?

Do you instinctively trust someone who is fairer, or assume they must be educated and privileged? Do you look with suspicion at darker strangers? Do you use fairness products and get your own skin bleached? Do you think it’s normal for brides to look five shades fairer on their wedding day? Are you more likely to be respectful and accepting of white foreigners than black foreigners? African students in India have shared many horrible experiences at the hands of locals. But white foreigners are usually treated like royalty.

Have you noticed how often billboard advertisements for everything from housing societies to hospitals to schools feature families of white foreigners instead of Indians? And when they do feature Indians they are very fair too? Most movies and ads use fairer skinned actors and models. It’s extremely rare to see even medium brown skin on a main character, let alone really dark skin.

We are all the product of the prejudices of our society, of our families, of the people around us, of the media we consume and are exposed to. Biases don’t automatically go away unless we acknowledge them and work on allowing the truth into our minds and hearts. It’s not only skin colour. It's weight, height, and clothes. It’s subconscious biases based on education, community (aka caste), religion, language, and wealth. It's every time we refer to an entire group as ‘those people’. It’s easier to see it when other people are doing it. But self-examination is far more fruitful than pointing fingers and feeling self-righteous.

Sometimes when I work with kids, I’ve had these kinds of conversations: “Which is better? Dark skin or fair skin?” If they know me well, they hesitate, knowing that the obvious answer may not be right. Sometimes they’ll answer the obvious answer: “Fair skin!”

“Why is fair skin better? Did you know God made people all over the world with different colours?”

I show them pictures. “Do you think God loves some more than others? Or he made a mistake? No! He gave each one their own skin colour because he thinks they’re ALL beautiful! Now we just have to look at people the way God looks at them!”

Then we look at babies of different ethnicities and skin tones and say “Wow! So cute!” to all of them. “He thinks you are beautiful too! And your skin colour is lovely!” They look at their arms in surprise. You can see the slow change of perspective. It will probably take a while. But we must start somewhere. Preferably with ourselves and our own families.

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What COVID-19, Seeking a Spouse and Discipleship Have in Common

A surprising wedding, marriage and spouse

I started a matchmaking service a few months ago. It was something I had been thinking about for quite a while, largely because of the many years I had spent single and rarely encountering the kind of man I was looking for. 'There have GOT to be more disciples out there!'

Well, I met my spouse unexpectedly - not through a matchmaking agency, not through a set-up, not in my mission organization, but at a youth retreat that my team was speaking at. Neither he nor I were 'youth', but in our thirties, and he just happened to be there as one of the youth leaders of their community.

There were so many unlikely aspects of our relationship and eventual marriage. Though we both loved Jesus and the Church, and had been formed in the Charismatic renewal, he came from a very different culture than mine, and it was quite a surprise to his family that he was seriously pursuing someone so far removed from their world. Marrying him meant leaving my home base in Pune, and moving to the small-town world of Vasai, where most people prefer to speak Marathi (and his family speaks a dialect of that called Kadodi), and have a different set of traditions, expectations and relationships than I am used to. We both made adjustments to each other, and our families had to do the same. No one got exactly what they wanted, especially with the wedding. Also, he is FAR more educationally qualified, we're from completely different fields, and even our personalities are quite different. If I had just looked at his profile, and seen his Myers-Briggs personality type, I would have not expected us to get along at all. Almost no one who knew both him and me thought of setting us up. And yet, after just one conversation, I could see there was something there, and after a few short months, I knew I wanted to marry him. There were many questions about the future, but I felt sure about him, and about the Lord.

I felt sure - God would provide. God would work it out. God was enough. And He did, and He was.

So what's this got to do with COVID-19, seeking a spouse and discipleship?

One of the big lessons that God has taught me over the years is the lesson of detachment from my own will, letting go of control, abandoning myself to divine providence and being open to God's surprises. 

Practically it meant not holding on to ANYTHING more than God's will for me. Missionary life stripped away many of my comforts and preferences. Living in a foreign country and working closely with other people meant things often didn't go the way I expected them to or planned them to. I like having a plan. I like having control, because then I can ensure a particular outcome (in which my comfort is a priority).

But that illusion of control was stripped away pretty soon. Everything was often crazy. When that happened, I had two choices - frustration or abandonment. Of course I chose frustration. I used to get mad and frustrated about so many things - meetings we were expected to go to that went on forever, team members who were late for everything, leaders who failed me, ministries that didn't work out, people who made bad decisions that affected me, so many factors that made my life less than perfect.

It took a while, but FINALLY I began to learn to let go. People weren't perfect, situations weren't perfect, I didn't always have everything I thought I needed, and yet, and yet... there was peace. I learned to go with the flow, to see God's hand in the unfamiliar and unexpected, to seek His will when doors closed or obstacles came up. I loosened my grip on the reins. And I began to see fruit in my own life and the people around me. I would never exchange the gifts I received in the painful but transforming years as a foreign missionary.

A few months ago COVID-19 came and upended our world with its surprising and scary influence. No one has escaped their lives being affected. For some, it has been a matter of life and death, for others, it's been an inconvenience, isolation, a change in schedule and a limiting of our freedom and preferences. For many, it has serious potential consequences, affecting their careers and incomes, their family's health and education. Many have lost relatives. Anyone in essential services, especially healthcare professionals, have entered a world of higher risk.

I'm having a baby in less than three months. My husband is a doctor who still has to go to the hospital every day, and come in contact with patients (so much for physical distancing for us). The hospital where we plan to deliver is in Mumbai, one of the worst hit of the COVID hotspots. My parents who I hope will be there with me live in Pune which has also been badly hit. This is not exactly how I imagined my first delivery, or even my first year of marriage.

And yet, there is peace. God will provide. God will work it out. God is enough.

COVID-19 is an opportunity for all of us to give up the illusion of control. We are NOT in control. We do our best to keep our lives secure, but really our lives and this world are fragile, and everything that is normal to us can be swept away in the blink of an eye, with or without COVID-19. So we may as well let go of the anxiety and frustration.

God will provide. God will work it out. God is enough.

For my matchmaking candidates, I've been hitting some unexpected walls. The basis of this matchmaking service is a common faith and discipleship. Even with different personalities and ages and backgrounds, I hoped that there would be many good conversations between potential matches, opportunities to meet and get to know people with the same foundation, and see if there's something more.

But I find many people come in with preconceived ideas, with their hands firmly on the reins, with a very specific idea of what they are and aren't open to. That's not always a bad thing. It's good to know what you want. But with too many conditions, too much desire for control, too much value on self-protection and self-preservation, they will not even talk once to a potential match for reasons that seem to me to be more about externals than the persons themselves. Character matters, externals less so.

Discipleship means being OPEN to God's surprises, letting go of our need to control everything, and having an iron-clad list of what will and won't make us happy. We THINK we'll be happy in our comfort zones, but God knows us better, and we have to be willing to give Him a chance. If I hadn't learned that lesson, I would not have been able to receive the gift of my husband and baby and new life and adventure together.

God is surprising. Life with God is a beautiful adventure. But the cost of the adventure is letting go of OUR plans and OUR lists, and letting Him write the story. Like Saint John Paul said, "Be not afraid!"

God will provide. God will work it out. God is enough.

P.S. If any of my matchmaking candidates read this, please say yes to talking to someone before deciding you're not interested!

On Husbands Making Chapatis

Today as usual I woke up late (the effect of another late night + pregnancy tiredness) and started off my day with a few tasks around the house, and then coffee and my phone. Joel left for the hospital late morning after kissing me goodbye as usual.

I was going to have my prayer time after that, but decided to cook lunch first and get it over with as it was late. I made dal, roasted eggplant (baingan bartha) and chapati dough, and washed some dishes as the sweat rolled down my body.

Just as I finished, made myself some cold mango milkshake, and was about to sit down in my cool bedroom, Joel returned home. Any other Indian housewife would have immediately jumped back up, started making hot-hot chapatis, and served their husband lunch. However I asked Joel if he’d mind if we sat for a little while as I was tired and had just finished cooking.

So we sat in our bedroom, talked about his morning at the hospital and random bits of news from our social media feeds.

Then I asked him, “Any chance you want to make chapatis? I started making them, but some more have to be made.”

“Sure, is the dough ready?”

“Yes, everything is ready on the counter.”

“You should have told me as soon as I came in, I would have made them.”

So for fifteen minutes as he was in the kitchen making chapatis, I lay in my bed typing out a blog post.

We talk about this a lot - how apparently even nowadays many Indian men think that it’s their wife’s job to serve them constantly and take care of all the household tasks. If they do anything around the house, they’re ‘helping’ her, as if they both didn’t live in the home. We see ourselves as partners, as team mates, and we divide the jobs to be done at home. When I cook, he does dishes, and vice versa. We both clear up after a meal. He cleans the bathrooms, and I sweep and mop (both not as often as we should). We both do laundry. He takes the trash out, and I make the bed. He works at the hospital and I work part time from home, so we both have other work we need to prioritize too. But we are both trying to serve each other by taking care of our home and each other. We're still figuring out all the other extra tasks, and we have a baby on the way, so things will get harder and more complicated in a few months. But we've started well.

Why is this so unusual? I think it's a variety of reasons - men have seen their dads come home, sit down with a newspaper, and their mums remain working non-stop (in and out of the home). Women have seen their mums never ask for anything for themselves, rarely have any leisure time, and assume that's normal. Perhaps they wonder if they're selfish for expecting their husbands to do more. I think many women also LIKE being the queens of their household, and being the only ones who know how to do everything and have everyone else need them. Maybe they also like to have everything done perfectly and their way, and it's just easier if you do it all yourself, right?

Sometimes the men's excuse is "I don't know how to cook." Like women, you too are capable of learning! All it takes is willingness to ask... or even google it!

People joke about men being expected to be thanked and praised every time they do anything in the house. But I think it's good for every member of the house to be acknowledged and appreciated for their acts of service. My mum (and dad) trained us to thank her and say something nice about the food she set before us every day.

Especially for Christians whose God said "I came not to be served but to serve", we are ALL called to be servants of one another... not just women of men. A Christ-centred marriage and family is one where we are willing to look out for each other's needs, but also call each other on when we are not living out our call to serve. This goes for children too.

Parents, please train your sons and daughters to serve, and not just be served. Start early, appreciate their efforts, and teach them to take joy in knowing how to take care of themselves and others, whether by cooking a hot meal, doing dishes, cleaning the kitchen, cleaning bathrooms, or keeping the house and personal stuff organized and neat. It doesn't have to be an unpleasant experience, as long as they feel appreciated. But let them experience the consequences if they just WILL. NOT. TRY. ('If anyone is not willing to work, let him not eat.' 2 Thess 3:10)  Husbands and sons, if you don't know where to start, ask your wife/mother to list all the chores she does throughout the day, and then take some off her list. And let's all stop making jokes about how inept and useless men are at home.

If each one takes on this mission of service in the home, there will be far less nagging and resentment, and passive-aggressive behavior, and far more joy in shared familial life.

What has been your experience of who does household chores and cooking at home?