The Lost Art of Listening

I have found something that most people I know have in common - we are all terrible at listening. It is too strong a temptation to think the conversation is all about us.

Person 1: My cat died.

Person 2: I don't have a cat.

My sister and I recognized this tendency in ourselves years ago, so every now and again, when we noticed each other doing it, we would say meaningfully, "I don't have a cat."

How often have I asked a question and completely missed the answer because I was busy following my own train of thought?

How often have I only caught the beginning of the answer, and then switched off as I began to construct my rebuttal or my own related funny story?

How often have I breathlessly waited for the other person to pause so I can jump in with MY much funnier and more interesting take on the subject?

Sometimes I think of a conversation as a game of catch or throwball (my school's version of volleyball). It's supposed to go back and forth. But too often I or the other person grab the ball and start running in the opposite direction. Even though I know my tendency to do this, I still often make the same mistakes. However I am trying, and am a little better than I used to be.

Here are a few things I found helpful-

1. Echo and ask follow up questions: Obviously don't just repeat back the exact thing the other person just said, but if you're having a hard time focussing, try to pick up SOMETHING the other person said, and check that's what they were saying. "So you are finding your job stressful?" And then follow up, "Do you think it's because of the timings? Or are there other factors?"

2. Watch people's faces: It's easy to tell when I've been hogging the conversation ball, because people stop responding, start getting a blank look on their faces, and stop saying anything.

3. Look out for open mouths: Sometimes people want to say something but they won't grab the ball as aggressively as others. They open their mouth to say something, but don't follow up if someone else keeps talking. So when I see that, whether it's in a one-on-one conversation or a group conversation, I need to stop and say, "You were about to say something?"

4. Consciously choose to give up a story: Sometimes I have the best story ever. And I just KNOW it's going to get a laugh. Or I have a great, original thought that would be a wonderful addition to the conversation. And I just feel like I MUST get it in one way or another. But you know what? I really don't need to. My stories and opinions are really not AS amazing as I think they are. (And if I MUST share them, I can always blog 😄)

5. Give up the addictive need to be right: Not everything has to turn into a debate. Listen to understand, not to make a point. It's easy to tell at the end of a conversation whether it was fruitful or frustrating.

6. Remember that listening is love: What a simple way to make people feel loved. When I think of people who have really listened to me, been genuinely interested in my life, and asked good questions, I remember feeling loved.

7. Humbly admit when you fail: I have had to often apologize for talking too much. Or say, "I'm so sorry but I didn't catch your name." Or "I know I should know this by now and you've probably told me, but what is it you do again?"

8. Try again: I don't need to beat myself up every time I fail. I'm not a horrible person, I just have a weakness which I'm working on.

I've seen how each time I make a little effort to grow in this area, it blesses someone, opens up a space for REAL communication, and fellowship. Everyone needs to be heard. But very few are really listening.

The Lent Project #7 Making Space to Hear God

So it looks like I've boxed myself into a corner with this Lent Project thing. Remember how I said I was going to write 12 blog posts over the course of Lent? Well... now there's a week left to Easter, and I'm about to write my seventh post, which means, yes indeed, I'm supposed to be writing 6 posts over Holy Week. Aargh. I can do this! Here goes!

I've been reading a book called 'Is That Really You, God? An Adventure in Hearing and Obeying the Voice of God' by Loren Cunningham, the founder of Youth With a Mission. It's a pretty cool book, especially since to a large extent, I have learned that yes, God really does communicate with and guide those who are seeking to hear His voice. Most of the major decisions of my life I've made after directly asking God's guidance, and He has shown me in different ways what and how and where and even when He is asking me to do.

Over the years though, my natural skepticism as well as awareness of human weakness and the the human tendency to self- deception has made me slightly wary of general 'God told me to do this' statements. Oh, God told you to pamper yourself regularly, because you 'deserve it'? Oh, God told you to burn a Koran, because that will convince people of the truth of your religion? Oh, God told you to leave the Catholic Church and just be spiritual, not religious, and feel like you're a good person without any discipline or expectations? Oh, God hasn't told you directly to help the poor, so you're waiting for a a sign? Oh, God hasn't directly told you what to do with your life, so you're not doing anything?  Hmm.. I don't know.

But in being awareness of human weakness, it's easy to forget that God DOES speak, does want to us to seek him, and wants to guide us in the decisions we make for our lives. And when I forget that, I stop hearing Him as clearly, because I don't believe He can speak louder than the loud voices inside my head.

Funny story (that I may have told before): I once was praying about hearing God more clearly, and was aware that I didn't stop talking long enough for Him to speak. So I said. "Okay God, I'm ready to hear You speak. I'll be quiet now." After a few moments of silence, the voice in my head said. "Testing, testing, 1.. 2..3..." and I burst out laughing. My subconscious won't give God a chance.

Anyway, today as I prayed, I read:

'Morning after morning he opens my ear that I may hear 

and I have not rebelled, 

have not turned my back.'

and

'Christ Jesus.. humbled himself, 

becoming obedient to the point of death, 

even death on a cross.'

I felt like the Lord was reminding me about the connection between humility and guidance. When I'm so full of myself, my ideas, my opinions, my plans, my desires, God doesn't have room to speak.

'Even though you have been given a good mind to use, right now you want to hear the thoughts of the Lord, who has the best mind.' Excerpt from 'Is That Really You, God?'

A sharp, clear, creative mind is such a gift from the Lord, and yet it is not enough. When that is all I rely on, then I have a feeling of accomplishment, of 'Look what I've done', and yet it is always far less than if I had let Him do His thing, and said at the end 'Look what God has done!' Anyway, as usual I love to reflect on the practicalities of humility, which is so beautiful and yet so elusive.

So I asked: 'How do you want me to be humble, Lord?'

• 'I need to let myself be challenged without taking immediate offence.' Fr. Cantalamessa in Sober Intoxication of the Holy Spirit. Even when I'm pretty sure I'm right, I need to listen to the other person, take time before responding, and allow the Lord to speak into the issue.

• Not feel the need to convince or persuade people to what I believe is the truth, but trusting that if I am right, and I am speaking his truth, He will be the one to convince them in time. And if I am wrong, He will convince me instead!

• Being a little slower to express my opinions about everything.. with people, and with the Lord, in prayer.

• Having a listening, open spirit- asking people questions about their experiences and stories, rather than only sharing MY experiences and stories. And then really listening.

• Not assuming that my first reaction to a new idea is the right one. Allowing myself to feel it, and then bringing it to the Lord.

• Being open to an Option C, even if I'm asking the Lord to guide me between Option A and Option B. I feel like He often says "Allow me to surprise you!"

• Let others replace me, do not hold on to tightly to any role, or plan, or project, or person.

• Be at peace with both criticism and praise, attention or invisibility, as long as I am being obedient.

•  And NEVER think you're done.

The Mandatory Post Facebook Fast Post

I don't know why I'm writing this. Everything that can be said has been said. Everyone who does a Facebook fast for whatever reason writes about it. Still, my experiences are my own, even if they reflect so many others' experience.

A brief recap of my relationship with Facebook- I joined about six years ago, and enjoyed it no end. Unfortunately, every time I had regular access to wifi, Facebook began to suck every free moment that was not specifically assigned to another task. It also increased my (suspected) ADD problem. I couldn't focus on anything for over a few moments. I went from being an avid book reader, to a blog reader, to a FB home page reader. Can anything be more pathetic?

Anyway, I felt strongly called to make a break with FB (at least for a while) last January. There were other reasons*, but the main reason was that I had just moved back home, and my family had gotten wifi. Also, the work that I do is largely unstructured, in that I don't have an immediate boss, or eight hour work days, or specific daily deadlines.  That led to hours suddenly passing with completely ridiculous amount of FB time. I knew there was more I wanted to do with my life. I also realized that the people I admired most were either not on Facebook at all, or very sporadic FB users. They were LIVING their lives, not posting statuses about them. And I wanted that too. So I quit.

It was a breath of fresh air. My day opened up. Since I didn't have a default time waster, there were so many more possibilities.

But of course the obvious pitfall was the tendency to find a FB replacement... which I did with the many blogs I read. And sometimes with Snake. And sometimes with Solitaire.

Still, on the whole, I think the fast was a success for me:

• I started reading books again.
• Since I gave up blogs too during Lent, the Internet stopped having as much control over me.
• I did a lot of things that I had not made time for in the past- I baked, I cooked, I started a new blog and wrote regularly for it, I spent more time with my nieces, I made cards, I went to sleep earlier, and woke up.... I can't say early... but at a regular time that made enough time for peaceful prayer in the morning. With my extra time, I worked on fun projects like a family video project for my grandmother's 80th birthday and selling Easter egg baskets at our church.
• I had the mental energy to focus on my work and make progress in it. 
• I was able to say yes to the many things that people asked me to help with, without feeling overburdened.
• I started going for weekday Mass far more often.

So four months later, why have I rejoined Facebook?

Well, the main reason I guess is connecting with people who I wouldn't meet regularly in my daily life. I have close friends in different countries, and the downfall of my fast was that I lost contact with some people who I was very close to. Of course, with some, email and Skype filled the gap. But I was not able to be part of the community I had been- liking new baby photos, rejoicing in their good news, sympathizing with the bad.

But now I know my weakness- my tendency to get distracted really easily, and how much I am losing with my focus. So the only way I'm letting FB back into my life, is with safeguards. The biggest safeguard is not having wifi... yup, I'm moving out pretty soon, and my new home is most likely not going to have wifi. 

I experienced that for three months last year (after about a year of constant wifi), and it was amazing. My housemate and I just added to an 'Internet list' of things we needed to get done, and once or twice a week found a place where we could use the wifi, catch up on emails, and download some blog posts and anything else we wanted to read later. 

So, yes, I'm back on Facebook, but I am no longer going to allow it to control my life or attention span. There is too much more that I want to do with my life.

Here are some fun, thought-provoking, sort of related posts to giving up Facebook :

7 Suggestions for a Great Internet Fast

Lenten Rookie Mistakes**

A Non Catholic's Guide to Lenten Weirdness**

How an Internet Fast Can Change Your Life**

20 Things I learned in a week without my computer

*Another reason was that I also wanted to delete the years of information about myself accumulated on Facebook.
**National Catholic Register doesn't seem to be loading in India, but if you click on the 'cached copy', you can read the article.

Attention! Attention!

This explains so much. That I already knew. Except that it never reached my long term memory because a cat video kicked it out. No, that's a lie. I have many ways to waste time, and get distracted, but cat videos are not one of them.

I KNOW I can be more creative than this. I KNOW I can learn more, use my intelligence better. But I just meekly hand over my intellect in exchange for (reading) another blog post. This is why I left Facebook a few months ago. this is why I gave up checking my Google Reader during Lent. (They shut down in protest.) This is why I ask my parents to turn off the wifi by 10 pm. This is why I'm not planning to even have an Internet connection at home when I move out next month.

There have been improvements. I started a blog, which I write fairly regularly for. I have written articles for other websites, which necessitated actually THINKING and putting my thoughts together in a coherent way. But I still have quite a way to go.

I have three blogs in my draft folder, with not more than one line in each of them. An idea hits... and instead of working on it, I let it hit, and then walk away.

In the past few weeks, I have read a grand total of ONE physical book. Because physical books don't allow me to do three other things at the same time. Which working or reading on my laptop does. It demands my full attention. My full attention is outraged at being invited to participate. It has become a recluse, who never comes out for anyone.

I have not written in my journal for weeks. My journal serves as my thought-processor. I take my discomfort, my uneasiness, my emotions, and thrash them out. I go to the source, and logically deal with them. I come to conclusions. I feel emotionally and intellectually satisfied by the end.

Alas, my journal too is on my laptop. If my laptop is open, there are so many good reasons to do so many other important things.

The result is that thoughts don't get processed. My only thought-processing happens at bedtime when I play Snake on my ancient cell phone, listen to Joshua Radin and fall asleep. And then I have crazy dreams, because my subconscious says, "If YOU won't process your thoughts, I'LL have to." And I wake up, tired.

My prayer time is often distracted too. The million thoughts, ideas, memories, arguments, theological debates, what-ifs, and to-do lists hammer at the door of my mind, and without waiting for me to open the door, march in and out and dance around, making themselves completely at home. And Jesus waits in a corner, patiently.

It's time to learn how to barricade that door. To invite in one guest at a time, and then shoo everyone else away, lock the door, and sit down for a nice cup of tea. Or cold juice, in this weather.

The video ends with the words- "The best thing we can do for our minds is to find some time every day to unplug, calm down and focus on one thing at a time."

Or vice-versa. I'm off to pray. And make a birthday card. But not at the same time.