A 27 Year Old Atypical Indian Girl's Thoughts on Marriage (The Post You Were Waiting For)

Mandatory wedding picture for any blog post about marriage

Okay, not all my thoughts, because that would be indiscreet, and this is after all my third blog (yes, blog, not blog post) and never let it be said I don't learn from my mistakes.

Also, since my ADD has not decreased, this will of course continue in my usual style of random thoughts, strung together by nothing, and masquerading as a blog post.

In urban India, 27 is pretty much your last chance for people to consider you marriageable (at least if you're a girl.) After that, you've moved to the Desperate and I Wonder What's Wrong With Her shelf. Also, in India, marriage is not considered an option, or a good thing that happens if it happens. In fact, 'if it happens', is just not an acceptable phrase. One MAKES it happen. You're of marriageable age? Then get married, beta! Of course I come from the Great Land of Arranged Marriages, or Glorified Set-Ups, whichever degree of control or involvement your family exerts.

Now this social system has pretty much been totally mixed up by the strange world that I live in. I come from a family that not only hasn't had arranged marriages in generations (which is very uncommon even in Catholic families in India), but has not the least idea HOW to arrange a marriage. I am not exactly opposed to arranged marriages. In fact, I am a supporter of arranged marriages... for other people. So a 'love marriage' is pretty much my only option. Millions of girls all over India turn green with envy at that statement, because guess what? Most of them don't have that option at all. In fact, plenty of them have been hunted down, along with their husbands, and even killed for the sin of choosing their own husband. So, I promise I'm not complaining about my lot in life.

But back to MY problems, because it's all about me. And I'm not complaining, just explaining. So I'm 27 and single. One of the reasons is that we don't have a good social system in place to meet eligible men. Where do you go? Pubs? Most likely you're not going to meet the kind of guys you want to marry at pubs. Well, you might, I won't. And anyway, what constitutes eligible? The bare essentials- similar goals, similar beliefs, similar worldview. For people who know me, you know that that already narrows things down a good bit- apart from faith, even my cultural background is very unusual.

You may notice I am approaching all this from a very practical viewpoint, not because I don't believe in the importance of 'being in love', but because I don't think emotional attachment isn't enough to make a marriage work in the long run. You need to be heading in the same direction. You need to have the same foundation that you are going to build your life on.

But... I'm a Christian! Doesn't that mean I should just trust God to take care of it? I do believe in God's plan for my life, but I also believe He respects free will. You would know that if you watched Bruce Almighty (the one theological fact that they got right). And that means the pool of possible eligible men can get significantly smaller by men making bad choices. You choose to ignore God's plan for your life, live a hedonistic lifestyle, and exchange marriage and commitment for instant gratification? Fine, that's your choice. Free will, baby. But guess what? That affects not just you, but that awesome Catholic girl who would have been your wife and the mother of your children. (Yes, I did just call myself awesome. Definitely gonna be picked as the patron saint of humility.) Just because desiring marriage is a good and holy and natural desire, doesn't mean that it will be fulfilled.

Fact: It's a fallen world.

We're all going to suffer one way or another because of that. For me, and for many other Christian and Catholic girls, that means the strong possibility of doing everything 'right', and not receiving the earthly reward that we hope for.

The good news is: that doesn't mean we're doomed to a life of loneliness and cats. Life is GOOD, single or married. And since we're made for heaven anyway, we get to see whether God alone IS enough. (Spoiler: He is.) I have it on the best authority (read: married people) that marriage DOESN'T satisfy every desire of your heart, and solve all your problems. I know, whaaat? Married life has its own burdens (never being alone EVER again), as does single life (no cute squishy babies of your own). Married life has its own rewards (sex and babies) as does single life (full nights of sleep and independence).

Independence!

I'd like to say that the reason I've been thinking so much about marriage is because my cousin just got married last week, and a good friend is getting married this week, but that would be a lie, because I think about marriage even when I have absolutely no excuse to.

Funny and very true story: An sweet, simple, older woman from my church was asking whether I'm planning to get married, and my mum asked her to pray for me to find the right person. I met her a couple of weeks after the conversation, and she gave me a VERY meaningful look and asks, "Any good news, beta?" Lol! I said, "Yeah, Auntie. The new programme we started at church is going very well." "No, no, any OTHER good news?" Me, giving up "No, Auntie." "Don't worry," she said, consolingly, "It will happen." I met her a few months later again at the steps of the church when my cousin was about to get married. I was in a hurry, but she stopped me and asked "Any good news?" I cheerfully answered, "Yes! Jesus Christ!" and rushed off. Heh. And it's true!

Any marriage thoughts or opinions? Go for it!

Did You Know...

... that people who consider themselves faithful Catholics can be seriously nuts? 

Okay, maybe you do already, and you have my sympathy. I was so happy to find thoughtful, funny, balanced orthodox Catholics (orthodox as in faithful to the Magisterium) in the Catholic blogging world (especially Simcha Fisher, Jennifer Fulwiler, etc), that I didn't even realize that there could be another way to approach 'traditional Catholicism'. Then a friend posted an article on Facebook about an Indian Cardinal commenting on the many rapes in India showing the spiritual and moral decline in India, and some person wrote a rambling comment about how back in his day, young people would drop to their knees in the gravel for a priest's blessing, and nowadays girls at Mass are shamelessly holding their cell phone in one hand and their boyfriend's hand in the other, and why are the priests not coming out and slapping their faces and forcing some respect?

Yeah.

I also read the comments on Jimmy Akin's article 'What should we make of Pope Francis bowing when greeting people?', and all I can say is "You people are nuts." There were allegations that Pope Benedict was forced out of office, that Pope Francis' election was invalid, that his secret agenda is the pushing of the 'gay lobby', that spontaneity is a sin, that the Pope should not act humble because HE IS THE POPE, that the Catholic Church is going to the dogs, and much more!

What do I take from this?

Moral of the story: Stay away from Catholic comboxes! And when you're reacting to anything possibly controversial, KEEP CALM AND BE CHARITABLE!

...that a good way to spend an hour or two is on visiting the 'Humans of New York' FB page or website?

Really. It's fascinating to get a glimpse into people's lives and stories. With those beautiful pictures and extracts of conversations that make you think, or laugh, or cry, and mostly empathize, it's totally worth doing.

Moral of the story (?): Everyone has a story, and is worth knowing and loving, even if you can't believe the same things they do. Even if they don't live in New York.

... that Steve Gershom is Simcha Fisher's brother in real life, and his real name is Joseph Prever? 

Well, if you read Catholic blogs at all, it would be very strange if you didn't. And if you don't read Catholic blogs, you're probably like 'Steve who? Simcha who?' It was pretty exciting to me and people like me though... I jumped up and excited told my room mate "Guess what??" and she assumed someone we knew was engaged or dating. It was almost as exciting though. I kept wanting to bring up the news in dinner conversations with my family, but restrained myself since they would be the one saying "Steve who? Simcha who?" I did get to share the news with my good friend and fellow blog-addict, T, over Skype, and was amply rewarded by her squeals of excitement and "No waay!'s.

Anyway, read his Letter to the World. Apart from all the food for thought his blog offers, I was excited to see how much his face looks like the his profile caricature.

And the moral of THAT is: Bloggers can be family too.

And that's all the brilliant blogging I can handle this week.

7QT: The Late Edition

So it's Saturday in India, and actually... Saturday in the US too! So the only reason I'm doing Seven Quick Takes Friday even though I don't really have the time is because I. Need. To. Blog. But that's why they call it quick, right? Right. Okay, here goes.

---1---

Funny search terms by which people weirdos have found my blog:

the world's hottest girlfriend 7qt

Yeah, that's me... although the best description of my relationship is this:

---2---

do indians hug

The answer is No. Never. We only transmit loving thoughts through our folded hands. That's also how we make babies.

Okay, sorry, that actually was not a bad question.

---3---

awkward hug niece

Now if it were just awkward hugs you were asking about, I am the Queen of those. But awkward hug NIECE??? What is that about? Or do I not want to know?

---4---

extremly hot urban indian girl

Well, of course this would be the first blog you would find. If by extremly (sic) hot you meant wearing these

most days, assuming make-up refers to the occasional use of eyeliner, and the preferred hairstyle of choice being a bun with a few tic tac pins stuck in.

---5---

17 inconveniences of indian girls

I don't even know if I can analyze that. Wait, let me try. First of all, it doesn't really make sense in English, so let's assume a non-English speaking Indian typed it in. Maybe a guy, because girls don't ask questions about girls... they just make judgments. Now what could this guy mean by 'inconveniences'? And why 17? 17 ways Indian girls make life inconvenient for their boyfriends? Or maybe it's a girl looking for empathy... 17 ways life is so hard and inconvenient for Indian girls? You pick. Maybe it's the name of a book.

---6---

There were some other funny ones, but for some reason Blogger doesn't let me see the complete history of all the keywords used to find my blog. So I'm starting a StatCounter account.

---7---

And lastly, I leave you with some FUN reading material: Real life Love Stories! My favourite! I know, I know, all I need is a cat and some chocolate and I will be the pathetic old forever single spinster and sitting in front of my laptop screen gobbling up other people's love stories, but whatever, don't judge me. To be honest, I just enjoy the stories, and don't spend the whole time wailing "If only it were meeee!!!"

Grace from Camp Patton put up her own 'How We Met' story, and then invited all her readers to do the same... aaahhh! So exciting! (And it says a lot about how much stuff I have going on that I haven't actually read any of them yet except hers... saving them for a peaceful, non-stressed day off!)

Okay, goodbye. Back to the to-do list.

More Interesting Introvert Facts

I miss blogging so much! So much so that a couple of days ago, I was stuck on the side of the road waiting for my dad to get out of the pork shop (where they apparently kill the pig, skin it, clean it and cut it, while the patient customer waits), and I started writing a blog post in the drafts of my ancient cell phone. Yes, my cell phone that does not have a camera, music-playing abilities, or any print on the keypad so I have to pretty much make wild guesses when I'm putting in numbers or sending texts. But the decrepitude of my cell phone doesn't matter because I hate using it anyway. (P.S. Don't call me!) Anyhow...

So one of my most popular posts ever was all about introverts which is my favorite topic to pontificate about, so here you go... another glimpse into the mind of the introvert!

Online Shopping

One of the most exciting inventions to an introvert is Online Shopping. Oh. My. Gosh. When I left India a few years ago, it had not yet taken off. A lot of people used the Internet, but hadn't connected it with shopping. So I was in the US, and got an Amazon account...oh the sweet excitement of the first book I ever ordered. No sales people! No social interaction whatsoever! No need to leave my home!

For anyone trying to sell things to introverts, here's a tip: The fastest way to chase an introvert out of your store is hover around her, saying "Can I help you? Could I make a suggestion, madam? That blue will suit you! What exactly are you looking for?" AAAAHHHH!!! Read my tense body language- leave me alone!

Networking

Networking is an introvert's nightmare come true. Seriously. Some people thrive on it, some people spend the whole time screaming silently inside their heads. Making small talk, being thrust into multiple social situations with people you don't know well, reading and responding to unspoken social cues, going through the exhausting introductory stage with too many people.... this could be good material for a horror movie for introverts.

I have however started working on doing it whether or not I like it. This is one of the few occasions where 'fake it till you make it' works. Some day I'll write a post about how to survive as introvert in an extrovert's world.

Solitude

Loneliness is not a familiar concept for introverts. Okay, I realize that this is over-generalizing, but anyway. Where extroverts feel lonely, introverts say "Wheeee! Solitude!" Solitary confinement or 'sending someone to Coventry' (that has to be the British influence) doesn't work as a punishment for us. There is little I find as exciting as hearing that I will be left completely alone in my home with nothing but my books and the TV to keep me company. Okay introverts need people too, and I'm sure being alone too much is bad for us too, but on the whole solitude is a much-awaited treat in my life.

Any other introvert facts you'd like to add? ( I know you introverts are the ones reading my blogs!)

P.S. It's Independence Day today, and I suppose I should write something about that, but I don't really have anything interesting to say (what!!), except that I'm happy to be Indian. And also I'm reading 'Midnight's Children' by Salman Rushdie and getting a new glimpse into pre- and post-Independence India, which is fascinating. Even though Salman Rushdie is kinda weird.

7QT: The Pretty Quick Edition

Linking to Jen...

---1---

So Jen in her last 'Undiscovered Gems' post sent all her readers to this fantastic blog- Mama Knows, Honeychild. I (and everyone else) took one look, read one and a half post, and added her to my blog reading list with the triumphant whoop that only avid blog readers know about. It's similar to the sound you make while reading a new book that you love, and finding out that the author has written dozens of books and is going to write dozens more. The sketches and the humor are a winning combination.

I wonder what Mama H feels like. She's become a celebrity overnight with all of Jen's thousands (?) of readers heading over to her blog, after the glowing recommendation by the most popular Catholic blogger (ever?). Like Marc Barnes once phrased it, she was 'Jenmentioned'! I suppose it's like your book getting on a bestsellers' list, except that almost all your readers are Catholic, and you're probably not going to make any money out of it. Still, it probably feels pretty good. Well, the flip side is now she's going to struggle with humility. I have very cunningly avoided the need for that with the un-awesomeness of my own blog.

Anyway, my point is, go read her blog if you haven't, because it's awesome!

---2---

Yesterday I mentioned that the Latin Mass had recently been celebrated in my parish (which is exciting and awesome, even though I missed it). Here's a funny extract from a brief report about it. The last paragraph read: '... the traditional Latin Liturgy possesses "much restraint and austerity, an impressive beauty and a generous melody."'

The paragraph JUST before that read 'The mass ended with the Recessional Hymn: 'He's Got the Whole World in His Hands' followed by a thundering round of applause.'

!!!!!!!!!!!!

---3---

This is a recent scary/awesome piece of news from my life: I have recently take over the running of an after school teaching programme in the slums (an outreach of our parish) after the teacher in charge needed to retire because of health problems.

I know nothing about how exactly it's supposed to run, as mentioned before, my Hindi is pathetic, and I have a feeling that a large number of the 30 plus students (see I don't even know how many kids are enrolled) know that I don't know what I'm doing. I know this because some of the ninth graders tried to convince me that I should give them a holiday one day for some obscure festival, and when  I seemed unsure and said I'd ask someone, told me that I was in charge so I could do it. I'm not THAT gullible, kids! Anyway, fear not, there are four other experienced teachers still working there, and plus 'God doesn't call the equipped, but equips the called', right? Right?

---4---

I do enjoy the teaching part of it. I'm fine with English, History, Geography, and lower levels of Science. But yesterday one of the ninth graders showed me an Algebra problem... and I had to admit I had no idea whatsoever about how to go about solving it.

Yay humility!

---5---

A couple of days ago my sister posted this article about extroverts (yes, she's extroverted, and I'm introverted.) I found it interesting, but I thought they got the non-stop talking part totally wrong... I don't think that's specifically an extrovert thing. What do you think? Are you an introvert who can't seem to shut up once she starts talking (like me)?

25 Frustrating Things About Being an Extrovert

---6---

Strangely enough for an introvert, I AM No. 6 from the article... yup, the crazy person below.

Maybe not always, but a lot of people who know me (read: my siblings) , have been embarrassed by me in social settings. But after I make a crazy fool of myself, I get tired of all the peoples, and have to to go hang out with me for a while.

P.S. This is the first time I've ever posted a gif... Oh the wonders of the Internets.

---7---

Okay guys, seriously, 7 takes is too much when you have things to get done. Go have an awesome weekend.

The Happy Medium

For some reason, every time I think the words 'happy medium', I picture a spiritualist sitting in front of a crystal ball and chortling to herself. But yeah, that's not what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about one of my pet peeves: the opposite of a happy medium, viz. the tendency to go to one extreme or other, (often of a good thing), and thus totally losing the point, or your audience. Or the tendency to be so fond of one viewpoint that you cannot even see the flaws in it, and anyone who does not espouse it is The Enemy. Or being so invested in an viewpoint that you CANNOT see any good reasons why anyone would believe anything else.* Like it is impossible to say, "I see your point, although I don't fully agree with it."

At this point you're wondering "What the heck is she talking about?"

My answer is 'EVERYTHING!'. Well, everything you can have an opinion about.

Like, drunkenness vs being a teetotaller. Or Novus Ordo vs the Latin Rite. Or doing social work vs being an evangelist. Or being a health freak vs being a glutton. Or being judgmental vs. being a moral coward. Or being critical vs. being gullible. Or being organized vs. being spontaneous. Or Mary vs. Martha. Or spontaneous prayer vs. formulaic prayer. Or charismatic vocal prayer meetings vs contemplative Adoration in a chapel. Or the Bible vs the Rosary. Or Pope Benedict fans vs Pope Francis fans. Or parents who spank their kids vs. parents who don't believe in ever saying 'No'. Or staying in and being a moody introvert vs. going out and being a social butterfly. Or looking for a fight vs. refusing to defend the weak. Or being a self-centred jerk vs. being a people-pleaser. Or radical feminism vs. chauvinism. Or having serious conversations about Real Things vs having ridiculous giggly conversations about irrelevant flights of fancy.

Now that I write my list, I realize that they do not all fit into the same category. There are some which seem like they are opposing each other, but both of which you can actually accept and embrace (charismatic and contemplative prayer). And there are some which are both wrong in the extreme, and for which only the happy medium can be right (judgmental vs. moral coward). And there are some which are just preferences or personality types (organized vs. spontaneous)- you don't have to embrace the other extreme, but can appreciate the good in it.

Here's an example:

A few weeks ago, my parish celebrated it's first Latin Mass, probably in decades. I was horribly disappointed to miss it because I was out of town. When I got back, an older Catholic gentleman mentioned it to me. "They had the Mass in Latin! I told the Bishop 'You'll empty the churches if you have Latin Masses!'" When I tried to explain why people like the Latin Mass, he told me "No no, maybe some old people. But the young people will not like it!"

He just couldn't wrap his mind around the possibility that they may be some value in the Latin Mass. I've met other people with set in stone opinions about various issues. Heck, I used to be one of them. Not the issues that the Church has definitely guided us on, just the in between ones. Harry Potter, for example. Or Santa Claus.

Okay, enough rambling for today. Go forth and find a happy medium.

Here's a good article which is kinda related:

When Catholics Play Tug-of-War, the Church Loses

*Of course you're thinking- you're a Catholic. You're a fine one to talk about being extreme. The distinction I make here is being extreme about issues that are not absolute moral truths. They're not so much about right or wrong, but about preferences or opinions... that we redefine as right or wrong.

7QT: It's Been Too Long

(Sooo... I started writing these quick takes last Friday, after three weeks away. But then I got busy, and I thought, I'll just write them on Saturday morning, taking advantage of the fact that it would still be Friday in the Texas, where Jennifer hosts Seven Quick Takes. And then... The. Internet. Died. For a week. Some kind of Internet service provider turf wars, according to my dad. It only came back last night. (Cue shocked, but happy tears) So anyway... it's been more than a month since my poor blog got any attention. Anyway, to jump back on the blogging bandwagon, pumparumparum- seven quick takes!)

---1---

Wow, three weeks without blogging is too long. I found myself writing blog posts in my head at random moments... like when I was about to fall asleep after a looong tiring day, or at Adoration, or during my personal prayer time. I guess it has become my way of processing my thoughts. But when blogging replaces prayer, we know we have a problem. Like when instead of going "Lord, here's what happened... what are You saying?", I'm sitting apparently deep in prayer, going 'Blog post title... Why Adoration is Awesome...'

I promise, I'm working on it. Anyway, my life had gotten so busy that I'm not going to have the time to blog as much as I used to, so problem solved. Kind of.

---2---

So last night I dreamed I was at WYD, hanging out in an apartment with Pope Benedict (Pope Francis hadn't happened in my dream) with a bunch of specially chosen youth. I gave him some Indian food to try, and we chatted a good bit. He was very casual and happy to hang out with us. Just at the end of our day with him, I was all like "We need a picture or no one will believe it happened!" but by then he had to be escorted out by his security people, and the moment had passed. Sigh.

In the absence of a photo of me hanging out with Papa Beni, I guess you'll have to make do with this:

Yup, me hanging out with Mother Teresa (well, at her tomb, anyway).

---3---

Speaking of Popes, someone mailed me this awesome quote that Pope Francis said at WYD:

"We need saints without cassocks, without veils.
We need saints with jeans and tennis shoes.
We need saints that go to the movies, that listen to music, that hang out with friends.
We need saints who put God in first place, ahead of succeeding in any career.

We need saints who look for time to pray every day and who know how to be in love with purity, chastity, and all good things.
We need saints, Saints of the 21st century with a spirituality appropriate to our new time.
We need saints that have a commitment to helping the poor and to make the needed social change.
We need saints to live in the world, to sanctify the world and to not be afraid of living in the world by their presence in it.

We need saints that drink Coca-Cola, that eat hot dogs, that surf the internet and that listen to their iPods. 
We need saints that love the Eucharist, that are not afraid or embarrassed to eat a pizza or drink a beer with their friends.
We need saints who love the movies, dance, sports, theater.
We need saints that are open, sociable, normal, happy companions.
We need saints who are in this world and who know how to enjoy the best in this world without being callous or mundane.
We need saints."
–Pope Francis, World Youth Day 2013, Rio

I was so excited to read this very easily relatable and yet ringing with truth quote, that I immediately emailed it to a bunch of friends. I then liked a friend's status that had the same quote, and hit 'Share'... when suddenly I heard the voice of reason shout in my ear: "ALWAYS CHECK YOUR SOURCES!"

So I did. And found this- Did the Pope Really Say That?

In short, Pope Francis didn't say it. He may have quoted it, but it was a poem either attributed to or inspired by Pope John Paul II. I was disappointed. Not because it wasn't an awesome quote. It was a great quote. It made sense, and brought out an important truth- that lay people are called to be saints, that it is possible to be a saint wherever you are, whatever your state of life, and that being a saint can look pretty different from the way most people expect it to look.

But here’s the thing, because it was misattributed to Pope Francis, as soon as you find out that it was not in fact said by him, you start questioning the whole thing. ‘Maybe that’s not how the Church feels. Maybe everything about Pope Francis is a great publicity stunt.’ A little lie can poison the whole truth. Okay, I know I’m making a big deal out of nothing.

Bottom line: As the great Padre Pio said “Check your sources, or risk causing greater harm than good by the quotes you post on the Internet.”

---4---

Okay, that was far from a quick take. Whatever, I've got a month’s worth of blog material bubbling inside me. And not enough time to write a blog a day. Did you hear about Jen's 7 for 7 challenge? I was soo sad that she did it during one of my busiest ever weeks. That sounds exactly like something I would want to be a part of, because a) I love writing, and an excuse to write every day and b) I’m competitive, and only get things done if there’s a little competition or rivalry involved. Someday, though, I will do it.

---5---

Funny Indian news article: The local government’s method of getting tax defaulters to pay their dues? They send a brass band to play outside their home. I’m not even kidding. Apparently either the shame or the noise works.

---6---

I was sosososoexcited to read ‘Style, Sex and Substance: 10 Catholic Women Consider the Things that Really Matter’. All my favourite bloggers wrote different chapters for this book, and it was on my wishlist for a while. Then a dear friend from the US sent it to me a few weeks ago! I read it on the long train journey going to Kolkata, and I loved it! (I did get a few strange glances from fellow-passengers who saw the word ‘Sex’ in the title.) As soon as I finished reading it, my sister, J and my friend, R read it too. Yes, it was a long train journey. I really want to write a review/all my thoughts about it, but I may have to wait for a lull in my life to re-read it, underline things, and write the blog post. Let it suffice to say that I have been making a long list of lucky women who I’m planning to lend it to. And they don’t even know it yet.

---7---

And what do you know? The Internet died again. Well, obviously by the time you read this, it will have returned. But as I write this, I have no idea when that will be. I’m done.

How was the last month, regular readers?